PRIOR TO TYING THE KNOT
Christian Marriage Essentials
By
Saundra L. Washington D.D.
Smashwords Edition
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PUBLISHED BY
© 2011 Saundra L. Washington on Smashwords
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Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. The “NIV” and “New International Version” trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica. Use of either trademark requires the permission of Biblica. The King James Version (KJV) is in U.S. public domain.
Disclaimer:
Though this e-Book is neither a prescription for perfect harmony nor an assurance that your marriage will ultimately be successful; it does nevertheless, offer valid considerations for increasing a more positive marriage outcome.
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Acknowledgement
To the glory of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit!
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Dedication
To all couples committed to a life together that pleases the Lord.
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A Word from the Lord
“‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Mark 10:7-8.
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Table of Contents
Introduction: What’s Love Got to Do with It?
Part I - Understanding the Complexities of Self
Part II - The MUST Know Essentials
Essential 4: Family and Friends
Essential 5: Dealing with Conflict
Essential 7: Sexual Communications
Part III - Relationship Essentials
Part IV - Communications Essentials
Essential 1: Understanding Perception
Essential 3: “I” versus “You” Messages
Essential 4: Recognizing Marriage Behavior
Essential 7: The Reality Check
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Is it possible for your future marriage to be the best that God intends? Of course only you and your fiancé can know for sure because it requires devotion and many disciplines. But perhaps, more than anything else it requires companionship: the companionship of two personalities each developing to its fullest and giving and receiving the utmost that both can share. When marriage does not have that mutuality, it fails to reach its highest possibility.
“It is not good that man should be alone.” That is true in the much larger context than just the physical. The true marriage, the marriage on which Christian blessings may rest, is a marriage between a man and woman who bring their different gifts in equal honor and in equal exercise. Indeed, there can be a partnership not only in the body, but of two minds furnished with spiritual thoughts and of two spirits who both know something of the reality of married life to which you must soon adjust.
Geoffrey Anketell Studdert Kennedy, MC, an Anglican priest and poet, wrote a book entitled The Warrior, the Woman and Christ. In it he said this:
“Love is the joyous conflict of two or more free self-conscious persons who rejoice in one another’s individuality and… through the clash of mind on mind and will on will work out an ever increasing but never finally completed unity...And the primary school of this vital and vitalizing love is the home.”
Yet, the home as such will not produce and keep that unity. It must be a home which is held together by something larger than itself. The presence of God must permeate your home for it is His power that will hold and keep husband and wife, parents and children harmoniously together.
Many homes that started with romance has ended in recriminations and unhappiness because neither husband nor wife had a loyalty higher and more controlling that his or her own desires. But if you both look up to almighty God, your affections are purified and selfishness is transcended in devotion and love that endures.
The important purpose of this marriage preparation e-Book is to help you assess your personal readiness for marriage and to increase your repertoire of tools necessary to grow and maintain a healthy, loving, spiritually satisfying marriage. I will guide you through serious issues to consider about your relationship and alert you to those vital areas that you need to explore with your intended “prior to tying the knot.” Planning for your wedding is a wonderful and exciting adventure. But, it is not nearly as important as planning for your marriage life.
Marriage preparation involves commitment by you and your fiancé to spiritual and relational disciplines and interpersonal skills as well as honoring God in all you do.
I adhere to the belief that even though marriage is a “contract” that is legally binding; for believers it is more than a piece of paper. It is a sacred covenant that is spiritually and morally binding. To be married a man and a woman are pledging their love and commitment to each other before God and are joined together in a lasting bond that is intended to last all their days. This is the sacrament of marriage.
In the society in which we live, it is paramount that couples learn as much about each other as possible before tying that “until death do us part” knot. With divorce rates escalating each year, it seems, couples need every advantage to succeed in today’s marriages. Thus, this marriage preparation guide functions as a booster shot that will boost your capacity to predict and handle potential difficulties and to accentuate awareness of the inevitable challenges of a committed relationship.
This e-Book further seeks to help prepare you to enter into a long term relationship based upon sacrificial love for one another, and to place the needs of your beloved before the needs of self. The Christian couple is encouraged to invite Jesus Christ to be not only a personal Savior, but also the third cord in the marital relationship: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12.
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“When two people become one flesh by way of marriage, it is not only their hearts that are united, but their minds and souls as well.” ~ Julie Donner Andersen
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Introduction: What’s Love Got to Do with It?
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Someone made the startling observation that people get married for a variety of reasons and love is not at the top of the list, though many do not realize it. These are those who unconsciously perhaps, want to escape their current circumstance; do not want to be alone, feel unfulfilled and need a man or woman to fill the void, and so on. I know women who will settle for any man to avoid “growing old” by themselves. One young woman admitted outright that she “needed a man” to feel whole. It seems that now-a-days, love has acquiesced to just plain companionship or lust.
For those who truly do “love,” many couples’ expectations of marriage revolve around the false belief that love will get them through rough times. Tina Turner asked an important question in the title of her hit song; “What’s love got to do with it?” While love is important, it will not be enough if you do not have the basic interpersonal skills you need for a successful marriage. Lasting marriages require partners who respect one another, understand that marriage takes work, and who have made the conscious decision to do only those things that will enhance the relationship.
It is mind boggling that so many spend countless hours planning for the great wedding day. That is right; it is only for one day; a mere drop in the ocean of time. Here today, gone tomorrow; then what? It is just plain foolish to spend numerous weeks and even months planning for the wedding that last lest than a day and ignore the marriage that is expected to endure for a lifetime. It makes good sense then, to spend at least an equal amount of time preparing for married life. By reading this e-Book, you have made the first step toward increasing your awareness and chances for a long term marriage. You are to be commended.
Whenever I perform a wedding ceremony, it usually includes these words:
Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him/her, forsaking all others and holding only unto him/her according to God’s holy law; and thus pledge your faithfulness to each other until death separates? Christian marriage is based upon an unconditional commitment that takes the classic marriage vow “till death do us part” very seriously.
Even secular marriages include vows of respect, honor among partners, and general rules of loyalty to one another. Yet, it is disconcerting that nearly half of all married couples regretted uttering those profound words of wisdom and have since divorced. I believe that the most egregious mistake these couples made was not spending enough time seriously planning for a lifetime together in marriage. Though most couples do claim to take their wedding vows seriously, often what has been disregarded is really getting to know each other on a level beneath the surface. Surface knowledge will not suffice. Failure to temper emotions with intelligence can have tragic consequences.
Women, particularly, seem to approach marriage from a fantasy “happy-ever-after” mentality. We do not seem to realize that what we think we “see” is not perfect reality. And, what we think we feel is related to what we think we see. In other words, we tend to approach marriage with a distorted perception of what married life will be like. In a way, it can be analogized to an adolescent girl who always wanted a baby until she actually had one and the reality of parental responsibility ferociously slapped her in the face. Alternatively, the teen young man who did not understand that as soon as he hit adulthood, the system would mercilessly seek child support payments from him for each child he has fathered.
Keep in mind that who you marry will have a dramatic impact on all aspects of your life; spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health. Marriage is serious business and should be given serious thought. It is not optional, it is obligatory.
Marital Relationship Observations
From my work in counseling and observing literally hundreds of premarital and married couples, I have come to recognize that at the root of most of what goes wrong in these relationships is a blatant disregard for the other’s feelings. The disappointment couples experience is based on misunderstanding and misperceptions and selfishness. We choose a partner hoping for a source of our own idea of affection, love, and support. In essence, we begin the marriage in a state of false impression which is rather quickly undermined by reality. Many couples do not have the skills or “know how” to work out the dissatisfactions that occur and lacking these attributes exacerbates the problem. The disappointments large and small then determine the future course of the relationship.
If first there is illusion, and then reality, what naturally follows is frustration and dissatisfaction. There is a great deal of unhappiness as each partner struggles to get the relationship to be what each of them needs or wants it to be. One partner will be telling the other what to do. One may be placating in the expectation that he or she will eventually be rewarded by the other. Each partner uses his or her own familiar communication style which can be deadly to the relationship in and of itself.
Couples bring to the relationship certain expectations of each other about what they want and do not want, what they are willing to give and not willing to give. The irony is that in many situations, partners do not even know they expected something until they realize that they are not getting it.
After the “busting of the illusion balloon,” it is not uncommon for the marital partners to erect defenses against each other. They become guarded, stop confiding in each other, isolate parts of themselves and withdraw emotionally from the relationship. The result is separation, divorce or living together in an emotional vacuum.
It is so very important that you understand something about us humans. Most of us are growing individuals. That is to say, we do not stay the same. We are constantly sprouting new wings, developing, evolving, discovering. There are those, of course, who choose not to grow and stay where they are. But for the most part, we grow and change. This can create disharmony in marriages not prepared for it.
Therefore, it will behoove you to realize that the person you marry on your wedding day, will not be the same person a year or two later and neither will you. This is one of the reasons good open communications is so necessary to stable marriages. As you each grow, you take these opportunities to learn about the “new” person you each have become. It is an exciting time for connecting to each other more deeply and relating to each other more fully. This is what growing together is; a sharing and acceptance of each other‘s “newness” with each partner assuming the role of both mentor and prodigy.
Thus, our changing goals, attitudes values and interests, taken in union with who we are and will be as we evolve as personalities, requires an understanding that relationships inherently shift and transform. Growing in harmony with each other; relinquishing the “who is supposed to do what” expectations allows a healthy evolution where both you and your partner is able to be and do what is natural to your own growth and experience.
When difficulty arises, as it inevitably will, especially when feelings get hurt, we often assume we are being misunderstood, rejected, picked on or intentionally attacked. And, thinking this, we counterattack. This is regrettable and one of the most potent relationship destroyers. It is so sad because most of the time, it is a matter of miscommunication, a misunderstanding, or simply a difference in perspective.
When we are able to put aside our personal assumptions or emotions and objectively investigate the situation, we open the door to understanding, growth and resolution. But we tend to speak more than we listen, (this will be addressed more fully below) or defend something being spoken before it is fully verbalized. Rather, we should make inquiries; ask lots of questions and withhold commentary or response until our mate or partner has finished explaining. Asking implies interest and a commitment to resolving the issue, whereas defensiveness only indicates “unholy” righteousness. Listen to what is revealed. By asking questions to explore what your partner is saying and why he or she is saying it, allows for clarity and deeper understanding. This alone can dramatically enhance the quality of the relationship. Of course, your asking must be sincere; harsh, terse questioning will only add to the tension already existing.
It is the intent of this marriage preparation e-Book, to help you clarify your perception of your fiancé, examine your relationship more carefully, and to assist you in developing a deeper understanding of the forces that work to strengthen or destroy a marriage. In other words, it will assist you in preparing for your married life, not your marriage day. We will address the major issues premarital couples need to be aware of, discuss and evaluate. Included also is an extensive overview of the relevant components of interpersonal communications that, if utilized, will facilitate a mutually loving, respectful and satisfying relationship.
Let me re-emphasize that love, in and of itself, will not keep a marriage together. There are many, many, couples who loved each other even after the divorce. Love is an emotion and it is relative. Its meaning is different for each person. Because your partner loves you do not mean that you are loved in the same way that you love. And, love cannot support a marriage alone. It needs the help of your God given intelligence and wisdom.
Far too many couples become lax and cease to focus on the relationship they have with their spouse as time goes by or life gets complicated. Then they wonder why it is disintegrating or no longer satisfying. Marriage is not a part time responsibility. It is a lifestyle that demands attention, nurturance, intimacy, commitment and gentle loving care.
Finally, most issues inside a relationship, wherever they come from and however they reveal themselves, do not suddenly disappear. They may get buried, ignored, or denied, but unless eventually discussed and resolved, they have a nasty habit of catching up with us and sabotaging our stability with those we truly value in our lives.
Facing reality
You are probably already aware that the survival forecast for marriages these day are embarrassingly low. The rate of divorce for all first time marriages is exceedingly high and the rates are even higher for second marriages. According to one report, at least half of the marital couples surveyed reported lowered marital satisfaction within a few years of marrying. And, surprisingly (or maybe not) bringing children into the equation only served to weaken relationships more. The issues addressed in this e-Book are the major challenges engaged couples MUST deal with before tying the knot.
I rejoice in your decision to enter the lifelong commitment expressed through the covenant of marriage! I am committed to assisting you in preparing for your lifetime together.
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Part I - Understanding the Complexities of Self
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This above all: To thine own self be true. ~ Shakespeare
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Though as Scripture clearly reveals we cannot know ourselves fully, but we are encouraged to learn as much about ourselves as is humanly possible. Let us then, take a brief stroll through the garden of “self.” (Note that when I use the term “self” I am really discussing all aspects of the self that combine or amalgamate to make us who we are as individuals).
Ever since the beginning of time when men began to ponder themselves, we have been curious about the nature of qualities that distinguish one human being from another. The self, the soul, the personality, the spirit, consciousness, and personal differences are but a few of the identifiers given to the uniqueness that each of us possess.
Even in this age of technological advancement, we remain unable to discern exactly where or how or when the self originates, although research indicates that we create our “selves” through a combination of biological traits we inherit and experiential information we gain from our interactions with the physical and social environment. So, I suppose we can say that our “selves,” as it were, develop throughout our lifetime. Becoming acquainted and comfortable with our “selves” is a dynamic and continual process, for as we grow we increase our “selves” and gain more ability to study our “selves.”
I am sure you will agree with me when I suggest that each of us are multi-dimensional; so much goes into the making of who we are that it is impossible for all aspects of a “self” to be used in any given situation. All of us have a public and private “self” – ways of dealing with certain situations where a set of specified behaviors are required. My church “self” for example is not the same as my family “self” and my romantic relationship “self” is not the same as my work “self,” my recreational “self” is not the same as my meditative “self” and we could probably go on indefinitely.
Well, where do all these parts of the “self” originate and how do they all fit together? I am not an expert in this area but from my understanding, early in infancy we begin to realize that there is a part of our tiny little world over which we have a modicum of control (body). There is another part of the world we have to learn to manipulate to get what we need (others and objects). If we are successful in getting those needs met with ease, we learn to trust our world. This basic sense of trust helps us feel comfortable in using our world and is essential for building positive ideas about “ourselves.”
A great deal of what we know about our selves and what we use to develop them comes, of course, from our parents. The ways in which our parents treat us as infants and toddlers influence the way we learn to feel about others and how and where we express those feelings. As we continue to grow and develop, our siblings, extended family members, teachers, neighbors, religious groups, and friends contribute to the development of our “selves” through interactions, imitation, and expressions of feelings. The sum of all these experiences and influences in addition to the innate characteristics and traits each of us has inherited combine to create the “self.”
Let us define a few of the main aspects of our “selves.”
We have defenses – Defenses are the behaviors or verbalizations we use to protect our “selves” and keep our self-esteem in tact at a positive level. They may be adaptive, such as in response to real physical or psychological threat, or maladaptive, such as the inability to accept criticism or closing out people who express love towards us.
We have feelings – Feelings can be described as our emotional experience of events. Feelings are unique to each of us, subjective, and usually affect how we behave. We understand ourselves better when we understand our feelings better. This is why it is always helpful to take time and analyze why we felt hurt by something done or said to us.
We have temperament – Temperament is a combination of several characteristics that influence the ways in which we react to our environment. These characteristics include biology, adaptability to change, intensity of reactions, attention span and so forth.
Self-concept – The way we define or perceive ourselves.
(Be patient, all of this is leading somewhere. I just want you to understand what is involved in the process of interpersonal communications and relationships. It always begins with the “self”).
Now, let us take a few minutes to explore each of the areas mentioned above further.
We utilize our defenses when we feel a threat and its purpose is to protect our ego from pain. It monitors our feelings and lets some come and go and it blocks others. Our defenses and feelings define our “self” in that they help us to shape what we can do, think, and feel.
Another main ingredient of the “self” is our inborn characteristics and our acquired characteristics. These include our basic temperament or ways of reacting to the world, our intellectual capacity, and our creative abilities, our talents, to name a few. All of these characteristics can be highly influenced by what happens to us during our life and by our reactions to life events.
Our values, ways of dressing, table manners, religion, mathematical expertise and most of what we learn, comes from interacting with other people and objects in our world. What people tell us about ourselves, ways in which people treat us play a role in our self-concept or the ideas we have about whom we are.
We need our defenses and feelings, our innate characteristics, and our learned or acquired characteristics to make a complete “self.” All of these ingredients (and probably others) work together to form the unique person we each are.
If an egg is properly fertilized and incubated, a chick will develop using both the yolk and the white to nurture its early life. The shell will protect the vulnerable chick from harsh outside conditions. When the chick has developed sufficiently to live in the world, it breaks out of the shell. Now the chick is no longer so securely protected from the world, as it was when it was in the shell. But the chick now has the freedom to explore the world and develop new, more appropriate ways of dealing with dangers.
Early in our lives we are busy integrating new information from the world about us with those inborn traits we have had since birth. We create a “self” that is not entirely based upon learned information nor is it based entirely upon innate traits. It is a new creation that is more than the sum of our original parts.
As we were growing, our defenses and feelings helped to protect us from too much harsh treatment from the cold, cruel world. These early feelings and defenses were closely connected to our needs for food, warmth, shelter, and love. As we grew older, these immature defenses became too confining. It was time to “break out of the shell.” By our teen years, most “selves” are developed into a system containing both inborn and acquired characteristics. Teenagers are ready to try their new “selves” out on the world outside of the family, outside of immediate needs. During the teen years, most “selves” develop quickly through increased social interaction, choices, introspection, and achievement.
The development of “self” then is a life-long process that consists of continuous integration of new experiences with inborn characteristics and past experiences. Each “self” develops differently depending upon experiences and unique characteristics.
As indicated previously, we often think we know ourselves, but we rarely do. To really understand our own biases, perceptions, capabilities, etc., each of us must look inside and, as objectively as possible, ask ourselves, who are we, what are our limitations, what are our strengths, and what jewels and baggage do we carry from our years of experience. Rarely do we “take ourselves out of ourselves to look at ourselves.” Without an objective understanding of our own values, beliefs, and biases, we are continually in danger of misunderstanding the interpretation we give to the external world. Internal forces (sometimes evil) within us, of which we are completely unaware, frequently drive our motives, expectations, decisions and beliefs.