Thought factor: Learning to debate with the Inner self.
By Suzanne Montpetit
Smashwords edition
Copyright 2009(Canada) Suzanne Montpetit
Forward:
Within the walls of measureable time there are words contained but free to develop and grow into thought. This is the meaning of life through progressive thinking and core thought. May I ask you something? What are you thinking? What are your thoughts? What prompted you to connect with me and the thoughts I am to reveal? Maybe your mind connected with what the title said about the book, or maybe you are curious about what I have to say. Maybe, just maybe I touched a chord of molecular thought inside your subconscious that made you think about all of this. I am a writer, a self philosopher, I have thoughts and meaning to those thoughts. I have ideas and concepts and I have consciousness. Maybe this is what prompted me to create a theory of my own on the quantum idea of why consciousness exists and how we could be connected to something more than just the making of a person and personality. Quantum thought, quantum personalities all exist inside the mind and the subconscious, the core that extends itself into the physical and mental stability of the human being and the human consciousness. I have always questioned my existence and my relationship to the existence. What does make us tick and who is really in control up there inside the power of the brain and its complexity. Particles and molecules, quantum energy and many more unknowns have had us looking for the answers in all aspects of living. We have turned to humanity and science, we have turned to the stars and the universe and we have also turned inside to believe in a higher existence which enlightens our reason for being. Which is truth and which is made up of nonsense? I do not intend to answer that but I do believe I can give you a better reason to live and a better way to accept life as it is presented to you by your conscious self.
You know you don’t have to understand yourself to accept the person who is, inside. There are no apologies, no regrets, there is only you. To wonder and ask is to be complete, to accept is to be whole. I do not think that any one of us can totally be in denial that a conscious being lives inside the mind. Each of us is a seed that has grown and still grows with each and every thought, with each new desire and with the love that beats from the physical heart. Who can deny this, and who can deny that each one of us is a replication of another. I think therefore I am, but to be conscious is greater. To be conscious is to bear all to the world and ask for nothing more than acceptance from our peers and our friends, our family and all others that bear the name human. Judgement is for law and not to be within the confines of the heart and the conscious being. It is all about acceptance. By chance we are and by chance we thrive each day with each decision we make. Come hell or high water, someone once said and thus it is true. We stand between life and death each day as decisions are made and chances are taken. We have gone to war over difference and we have fallen in love for the same reasons. So as a writer I try to convey the truth of what I feel as I ask you all to read and convey within the core of thought and emotion, to except the person and the personality first and foremost and then sit back and take notice of what works and what does not. Debate the facts, ignore the fiction and come to the debate field with one interest and one reason to find neutral ground in which to heal and grow once more.
I sometimes do not understand myself or my decisions, as I am sure neither do you of yourself, but I have learned not to be ignorant of my emotions and always now ask the questions of why they have surfaced. If I step back and invite myself in it changes everything and I can see farther than I did before. So once again I will ask you to ask yourself, your core conscious, “What are you thinking and why”? What holds conscious in a place of thought? Dare to explore, dare to trust and debate, dare to accept yourself, your decisions and your past on an equal playing field where most of what is held onto is not more than but less than what you deserve. Life is for the living mind and not the dead end pieces that clutter it up and make a mess of things. Find the freedom in core thought and find something more than what you “think” you are.
I will end my inner debate with a short poem I wrote for another book of mine, and place it here in the beginning of where it makes meaning come alive and also at the end where it puts it all together.
“Master, why do you pick your fruits wisely? If it is ripe should not it be picked?” The master turned to the student and spoke gently.
“Student is teacher too; to see the color of ripe is good but to feel texture is better, if you pick the fruit to soon base on the outside only, you may find bitterness within.”
The student pondered what the master had said, while the master smiled into a reflection of water.
I cannot be greater than I am;
I cannot be less than either.
I am the sum of all my parts, whether they may be physical, mental or spiritual.
The Thought factor:
Debating with the (inner) Self
The Meaning of Life through Progressive Thinking and Core Thought:
I would like to begin this with a story I wrote many years ago and one that still has meaning to me. Metaphorically it is a part of myself one that has held strong for awhile now, through thick and thin we are married to each other and support the best of both worlds. My world is one of insanity, not because of insaneness but because if I am to be an imperfect perfect person I need to believe I am insane most of the time. I can then relate to this and that with a common sense that I am imperfect and that alone makes sense. Little Seed and Flower to Be is all of us searching for wholeness both internally and externally, the anomaly of the void between living and living well. So this is where it all begins and ends like a marriage prearranged in another place and another time. One that does not see life coming until it is fully aware and beside us, with some understanding of “where do we go from here”.
The tiny seed shook trembling beneath the cold frozen ground, while above a blanket of white protected the small shelter from harm. Inside the hard brown shell a tiny seedling slept, dreaming about something that he did not understand. He dreamt of a place, a world, where he was tall and his body, green in colour. The limbs he carried were long and lean, he could bend with the wind and sore high while his head made of brightly coloured pieces, sought out something he called the sun. He lived in a place where the earth is below his feet and not contained around him. In this dream he could see forever, blue coloured his eyes and big white puffs of cotton canvassed the upper levels of his sight. Warmth came from this big reddish orange ball that nourished his body and his nature in many ways he did not understand. Where is this land he thought and why did it come to him as he slept? Looking around his small but comfortable house, Little Seed was glad to be safe inside his domain under his blankets instead of outside in a world he could even begin to comprehend. He had never thought of venturing out he had everything he needed right here, yet some strange feeling kept creeping over him louring him to figure out why he dreamt the dreams he did. Maybe his being alone was not the way it is suppose to be and maybe there was more to it than being alone. What if there were others out there like him, just like in his dreams? So Little Seed just kept busy most of the time, reading books he found on shelves, books that contained information someone had put there for him to read. Where did this information come from and how did he know that it could be true? This sometimes was too much for Little Seed to comprehend and sometimes he only wanted to explore more. He would imagine himself communicating by some foreign language, a language that reached beyond the walls of his cells. A language of vibration coming from the heart, a place he felt existed because he felt it beat.
Little Seed loved the feeling he got when he had these mind filled thoughts. HE found solace in day dreaming more about the giant stalks of greenery topped with huge balls of coloured structures and would also ponder the question of “what if there these strange creatures and maybe others like me”. Little Seed felt inspired and somewhere deep within the depth of himself something grew. One day he had an idea. What if he would make noises and bang on the walls of his shell house? What if he would use his body the smallness of his hands and feet to make noises in a hope his call would be returned. So he tried, and most of the time he would hear nothing but sometimes the earth beneath his home shook a little more than usual. Was someone answering him back? Is there another just like he that is also looking for the meaning of, why they are, like they are, and is there more? However long or short the vibration came it always stopped and it broke his heart as it did but Little Seed would never give up a hope, however small, to conquer this question of who he really is inside this shell. Although it seemed like many years later and many dreams later one day Little Seed awoke sensing something is different and that his home felt different also. As he looked about he saw that the physical structure of his home had changed and this worried him because nothing ever changed in his small little world ever. He noticed the walls are softer and there are cracks forming all along these softened walls. Fear became his friend for a short time because he could only imagine he had caused his world to now fall apart all around him and would be his demise. He thought about all of this for what seemed like a very long while, and while he did he noticed he also began to change. His body would tremble and his legs began to go limp and grow longer. “What have I done” he cried “What did I do to my house its falling apart and so am I”? Little Seed let those feelings come and he also let them go. He knew there was something inside of him that cares enough to heal the fears and he did not fall apart but became stronger in his own resolve. He took his changing body and began to bang harder on the shell of his home. This is his home and would always be a part of him and he was not going to sit back and let it fall apart around him without his knowing why.
Now not far from where Little Seed sat dealing with his own troubles, another sat just like him experiencing the same set of feeling and circumstances. Her name is Flower to be and she too longed for someone like herself to share her days with. Unconsciously she knew she was not the only seed that existed but never knew how to discover that there is, so she decided to finally find out by doing exactly what Little Seed had done. So each, within their own inner conscious; worked on a plan to discover themselves without knowing what they were really doing and that is when they discovered the changes all around them. The little homes they both cared for and the sanctuaries that they kept began to fall apart. New smells arose from the earth that surrounded them and they felt for the first time the rich brown dirt that had held them close held them softly in its arms. Little seed and Flower to Be felt encouraged yet somewhat afraid to continue their journey but felt encouraged to continue on despite what they felt encompassed them within something new. The earth moved them upward their arms and legs changed shape and grew stronger but they also felt strength in their desire to continue on. With their feet they anchored their bodies within a new found freedom and began to climb upwards, truly not understanding but believed that something inside was telling them just what to do. All of a sudden without warning Little Seed and Flower to be exploded out of the ground and poked their little heads out of the darkness and into the light. It took a few minutes for their eyes to adjust to the change in their environment but they soon began to discover much around them. It was truly a strange place to be, most of their bodies were still encased in the earth that held them but their heads could turn and see things they never had imagined. There are noises from strange creatures that rose from the ground and flew over their heads and others that welcomed them with their warmth and familiar ways. Someone watered them and cared for them each day clearing the spaces in between to give them room to grow and they did. At first they were overwhelmed by the brightness, the smells, and all that happened to them but they soon grew to like their new surroundings. Their thoughts became uninhibited by a desire to be more enlightened and it seemed to work because their bodies seemed to move in an upward direction. Although each still remained within their own little worlds they never imagined if they looked even farther than their own minds that they would soon realize that they stood right next to each other.
Little Seed and Flower to be enjoyed their new lives, the sun and even the rainy days, the birds that flew higher into the sky and the bees that drew pollen from their neighbours’ centers to feed their colony. So one night when the moon was full and bright both Little Seed and Flower to be did wish upon the great moon and asked for a friend. They both had with stood much and had grown into two beautiful beings and now wanted to share their thoughts and feelings with someone else. The next day as the wind blew the clouds across the sky and the sun shined down upon them, Little Seed and Flower to Be decided to follow the direction of the wind and discovered that they stood right next to each other. Standing tall was two big beautiful flowers ready to bloom. The excitement made something else happen to both of them and gazing into their budding faces the top of their heads began to take on another shape. One by one a petal emerged out of their center each petal a different color of sunshine, their faces taking on the colour of bright yellow and orange that twinkled in the light of day. Little Seed and Flower to be met each other for the first time and knew in their hearts that never again would they be alone. The days that followed were days of fun and frolic. On windy days they danced and swayed to the music of Mother Nature and on rainy days they protected the smaller creatures from harm. They loved their new found life and told their stories to those that would listen of how they came to be and how they too learned to discover more than what they thought they were. Time seemed to come and go and they never looked back or thought of the times they hovered alone in their shells wanted to know more than they did and afraid to find out. They also knew that soon the time would come when they would have to commit to the earth once more to become a part of a never ending cycle of life and evolution. When the time came and they would no longer be they knew that other seedlings would also find their way changing the course of ignorance among future generations. You see Little Seed and Flower to Be had courage, a courage to listen to their hearts and the inner voice that told them there is more to life that the circumstances they felt they are given. To consider the oneness of courage and strength to meet the obstacles of the past and to grow into the flowers that they were meant to be never giving up on their dreams.
Chapter One:
To be an Illusion or not to become disillusioned
Insanity breeds wisdom when anger holds silence within. Fear creates no boundaries when judgement gets to wear bright clothes. Hostility builds unsafe bridges when man stands in disbelief of himself. Serenity heals blindness when beauty is freed from its gilded cage. Hearts emit love when conditions become unconditional. Angels walk on water when passion forces their wings to open in recognition of who they are. Insanity, that is insane!
Life is contained within the delusional process of thinking that we are alive; but are we truly alive or just surviving as an entity in a cultural pot of soup? Are we the chef or the ingredients that place themselves randomly with a conjecture of similar tastes or a non variety of blandness? Do we really believe there is more to our empathy than a sequence of fated events, that we sometimes control and sometimes relinquish control of? Have we abandoned immortality for a complication of existing circumstances that we hardly relate to never mind relating to at all? Seeds of fate; rumour has it that there is more to us than the designation of symbols and signs we follow turning left or right into circumstances that make up our defining self. Like the little seed I want to find out what my destination is and not just follow the signs but get a rough idea of where the signs are leading me. Exploration, adventure, and discovery these words have great meaning, yet the simplicity hardens our shell into an existence of involuntary actions that really find us fighting for life instead of breathing it in. I like the idea that my life has more meaning than a build up to death later on and that I can learn to let go of the tumultuous feelings the keep me back tracking instead of backpacking into a forest full of lush green wisdom.
What is the meaning of your life and if you were not you, as you sometimes pretend, who or what could you be? As much as I would like to have you ponder this I do not because as we wonder what to ponder we again relate to the question of who are you anyways? By asking you the question you become a symposium of molecules banging out a melody to the tune of a millennium of possibilities about to be expressed by a conductor. The stimulation and an interpretation of a set of random molecules now coming together in thought to answer that very question of, the meaning in your life?
Life, are we willing to mentor a genuine respect of how we live it; including, not just the why of, (why we are here) but through a consideration of evolution, bio-cognitive thought and cultural upbringing? The question of; are we more than the sum of our parts or are we just separate parts of a whole, working in unison with mind, body and the spirit of survival? I have been searching for an effective way to find satisfaction a sensibility, a commonality while I am alive, the truth of a soul’s reflection of satisfaction, not just externally but as a potential for freedom to be complete. So I pose the question now, are we truly satisfied with what we choose or are we doubters before the satisfaction becomes a reality?
Are we ever satisfied? Can you tell me how it is you are satisfied without a moment of thought? Now that you have answered the question in your own way, through self perception, where have your thoughts now taken you? There are two paths of thought here, first you may have answered sincerely and logically, believing in your answers and then having said that along comes the second path knocks out the first and without a doubt you became doubtful of your answer. Sound ironic, yet it is not. How many times have you decided to doubt your choices before they have gotten farther than a neuron down the road to your realities? Yes, this is what I mean we are so doubtful when it comes to making up our minds that we run helter- skelter around in circles hoping to somehow decide what it is we really want to do.
Here is the theory; I like to call it The Thought factor. The outline of the Thought factor actually takes on the shape liken to a human stick man and later on I will explain in detail. A method of progressive thought nurtured by an idea that we are passive potential when it comes to who actually initiates the controls, the second in command thinking we are the first, by use of language, to get the message across to anyone who will listen. It starts with the idea that one plus two does not equal three but holds infinite in all possibilities based on our own truth. In fact the answer is unanswerable because it can contain an infinite number of ideas that we have in our mind at any given moment. Life comes with perspective, it also has us creating perceptions, some very interesting and some that we will die for, but in relation to these they are the building blocks of our destiny and our fated relationships to our self and others.
So here we are; a melting pot of possibilities not exactly what we thought we could be but willing we will get to where ever we are going. So here I am, and where do I go from here? It could begin with a detachment, without a second thought to doubt where you will go from here, a simple reason to change the mind that alters your inner guidance system into virtual realities that can be determined as something that exists from a point of view and nothing more. I like the idea that our chemistry is more magnetic than seen from a particular agenda and that I can simply see things as they are and not rendered as a useless commodity of statistical facts. Yes we are emotional creatures but our emotions can play an important part of us in a way we maybe have never tried before, working in union and not distorting that particular point of view we see. Illusions are many and the disillusion is comprehensive to motive, not emotions. We may try to pick each other’s brains but the true connection of a thought is just a molecule away from a reality you have just thought of. “Inquiring minds want to know” do they not?
So let’s imagine a room (your mind) with things (thoughts), stuff maybe is a better word, and now find a place for it all. In my own mind, I will see this room as structured, uncluttered and arranged the way I like it to be, as I will assume you will envision it to your liking. But what would happen if someone came along and gifted you something (a new idea) that you are to rearrange into your room, a room already full and arranged the way you like it, creating a disorder of thought instead of order in your universe? You may tell me you could do it, that decisions come easy to you and your decision would be based on what you already have and how it coordinates with the room(life) already done. What if you cannot decide what you want to do, because maybe this has imposed upon you a quandary of thought? Better yet maybe this same person decided to take back the gift given, because they did not really choose to give it to you, making you feel emotionally unforgiving and judgemental? So as we ponder these indecisions, whether yours or someone else’s, can you see how they have now made this illusionary world uncomfortable for you and do you find yourself anxious as you look for the answers to your dilemma? Faith in the self allows the answers to not come predetermined by opinions but by options that are liken to the molecules that dash about the void to smash into your neurons providing food for thought. So, deep breath and find choices to discover not what may come easily but what comes with ease.
Now what if you took a moment and did nothing, no matter what the external circumstance, took a breath and let the room adjust itself (the unstructured self) and then be placed by a process of understandings and feelings instead of trying to keep it structured or just the way it always has been? In The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy wanted to go over the rainbow but what if we went into the rainbow instead? Why, well because inside this spectrum of colour we can explore the parallels of looking into the hologram to find something I call the quantum self. Light divides colour into many fractures of itself sort of like us being a multidimensional aura of magnetic imagery. I believe we are a community of communicating ideals all conversing at the same time, vying for the front row in the thought process. Looking at a hologram of ourselves we can see through the understanding or misunderstandings of thought process, The Human Hallucination, an inner trip without drugs which we infuse into a solid object calling it the self and nothing more. I personally like the idea of myself being a prism of color and the idea of going through the rainbow is quite exciting to me. So to understand that makes us a whole lot more that a dense objective eh? Dorothy went inside her head and took a spin into a Land of Oz, her Oz, where everything was as confusing to her as most likely was in her daily life. I think I can openly say we all live in a land of Oz most of the time, figuring out what works, what is real and what is to be clicked away by the tapping of our heals. It is the simple gesture of looking inside our heads to see our true identity and not a bunch of garbled up knowledge we have no idea of what to do with. An acclamation to who can this be, as opposed to this is all I am.
My question is if reality is first and foremost an observation, how could life be observed if we sought it out as a balance between something we see as structured and unstructured? Not in the relative definition of unstructured as to let chaos reign over you but the context of a balance of polarities, order and disorder keeping you in balance. I see it as a graph in which we are the principle. The graph is like a heartbeat, consistent and normal, this is us when we find a non-identity in our thoughts, the conscious us that makes our world go round. We allow order and disorder to enter and we become nothing more than an observer of those ideas or thoughts until a decision is made Once the decision is made it keeps our heart beating smoothly and consistent not jumping off the page in a rampage of inner turmoil. There need not be any highs and lows in our graph, emotionally unstable and unable to make a decision in a neutral zone where we need to be. Emotionally disconnect stand in a middle where you do not judge but find something you can understand and it will all come. Polarity, we cannot live in balance without it. Yin and Yang, positive and negative, order and disorder and structure and unstructured, it’s all there each and every time our hearts beat to a rhythm we embrace.
Can we be more consistent, in understanding what works and what does not? Allowing, in that moment, to come to understand something different? Structure or unstructured, is the question and the answer all in one idea. The idea of acceptance is again for me the upmost of importance in my idea of the Thought factor. It is the one and only understanding of core thought that needs to be emphasized and taken into perspective. I believe everything else follows as a consequence of this. The idea of structure or unstructured, is first to believe that you are you and cannot be or have chosen to be anyone else and from this thought comes the ideas, memories and concepts that has moulded you into accepting your version of you. It’s like taking a puzzle that has been jumbled about and you are going to make sense of it. The picture will never change it cannot but the fact that you will make a resemblance of the picture is basically all you need to know. The structured part of you is what you see, feel and believe brought down from age and knowledge; your concepts of acting out the personality you have grown into. The unstructured part is; understanding that the structure will change each time you think something and act upon an objective. Robots we are not, thinkers and doers we are. Is there sometimes illusions? You bet there is again like the puzzle we will look ahead and think we know how we will do and how the picture will look because we have a replication before us right? Well ingenuity will be forthcoming if we try not to remember the trials and tribulations of the road ahead but to enjoy the moment and the picture as it comes together different each and every time. These topics will unwind and rewind throughout the pages as you read further into the book. This is the debate and the debate field, your thoughts blended with mind and the formation of new thoughts and concepts arrived at from time to time.
Within a box there is another box, smaller and more confining. The idea is to burst out of the boxes one at a time. You can choose the biggest box, your outer reality, or the smallest and most uncomfortable, your inner emotions. Begin in love and always end in compassion. This is your journey however way you choose. It is in the choosing that life blossoms and continues to grow. The experience becomes debatable and worth the try, miracles will be seen as gifts given and seen more clearly. We are not a master of life but a teacher of many students that we have incorporated inside the selves of consciousness. One day at a time, one moment at a time is all that is required for you to find the wisdom inside those boxes and the many more that we will discover along the way.
Learning to discover what lay below the surface is not just physiologically based but has multiple layers of understanding and memory. Each time we begin to process some idea or thought based in the under layers a new layer is formed and that information is also stored in its own multi layering inside a consciousness we have not begun to understand. Dig deep enough and yes you will find information pertaining to some logical or illogical finding but to decompress those layers and find that the wisdom that is sought is not in those layers but in the reality of what the present shows you is real. I believe to understand ourselves better is the constant defining (through those layers) and then redefining (decompressing the layers) can give us the knowledge we need to go farther in the present and not keep us represented in the past into the future. Those levels and layers also contain the emotions that have gone along for the ride, expressing a point of view that can and will sometimes become distorted and scattered. We try to reassemble what happened in the past place it in the future and make emotional sense of it. It cannot be realistically done; at least I don’t have that point of view, and have it come out exactly the same. You and I are different; so one scenario in which we both partook cannot be defined in the same logic. We are different, our emotions are defined differently and our inner logic will play out directed by the memories that we have in those layers of subconscious. Some of us will come out being defensive, others will be the offensive one, and not many will understand that being neutral is the key. Remembering is ok, memories are just that memories but acting on those memories takes the context of the moment and places it in a whole lot of unconscious dimensions that are unavailable to what you are acting out. You cannot play a good guy by interlocking the role you once played out another time, remembering that you were once played a bad guy, be neutral and find that beneath that surface you are many actions and many ideas all interplaying with life as you sense it. Goofy as it sounds we have stuck our heads into the sand and wonder why we get kicked in the butt most of the time, let’s stand up and be counted as equal creatures learning to understand more and rely less on the basic techniques of flight and fight. We live on a planet of ongoing technology and still genetically want only to survive. Can we learn to be indifferent by being different and having the wisdom to acknowledge it in another? I hope so because this is one life and the only life I will remember. So represent yourself in the best way you can without focusing on illusion and disillusioned tactics contained in your emotional layering.
Chapter Two:
A Concept or Proven Formula
The hardness of the external core becomes soft as we massage its exterior. The rigidness becomes a tenderness of understandings based on the nurturing of truth as food for thought and not necessarily a devotion to the icon of cause you may make yourself subject to. Emotion becomes a surrender to what you have held tactful, a prisoner to something that mimics your instincts into believable thought. Two lovers may meet on a hot summer’s night but the night can soon turn cold as the sun rises on the realities they have inquired about. There is a unique order in our universe; an order of conception to evolution, some species have come and gone others have survived without considering some limitation that provokes existence into surrender. The butterfly is one creature that I have likened to us and the concept of becoming the butterfly has caught the attention of a watchful eye.
The Butterfly Concept, is a concept of inner growth, it is a method of inner evaluation formed by stages as liken to the birth and death of the butterfly. Just like most ideas it came together as I tried to figure out life and why we do what we do. It is an interpretation of awareness seen within a beauty of immerging ideas and softly spoken transitions yet it does have a powerful impact on who we think we are, as seen through the transformation of a butterfly. The butterfly or moth (not as colourful) develops through different stages of growth, from a mere worm or larvae very vulnerable to its environment, into a metamorphosis of changes until it is the enigma of its species. We physically grow; through the different stages of development and maturity also enveloping a sense of self both internally and externally where we also find an immature emotional being, inside a mental cocoon sometimes forgetting to break out of it, to become that one of a kind butterfly. The unstructured part is our own self awareness making that decision to be unique and to break free, while our structured self puts it all together. I feel that is the exact point I want to make not as a follower but as a leader of yourself on a journey that is you. Yes we all have to become the butterfly at some point or die inside a shell of a person that only develops to a certain point, our choice in the matter but what do we choose? Do we find the choices that lead to a balanced life, by means of breaking out of the shell, or do we live a very non- opportunistic life by becoming a dull butterfly, one that has never gotten out of the cocoon?
Do you sense what I am saying, we grow into ourselves but do we grow with the intention of wisdom or just knowing a bunch of stuff? We can define an experience, which we feel is meant for us (comfortable) because we view it from past experiences, consciously aware but inhibited by memory and the complexity of the mind. So why not make a conscious decision to change the expected experience, develop ourselves into different situations (unknowns), and create a new to you, you. Seriously, we are builders, not only of a safe place and a safety net, (emotions) but followers of a leader that may be habitual and not so inspiring. We convince ourselves we cannot explain what we do yet believe we can because it is the way it has always been, the emphasis based on a past experience, failure of an objective, or a mental inability because we have been told we cannot? When it is really all about just the ability to get rid of the pieces of the cocoon we still carry with us and learn to fly higher. When we are open to questioning our actions and common sense, we open our thoughts into a joy of experiencing something new. The mind grows more colourful and we expand instead of retract. Ask yourself what you want out of this life, this body, this mind that you have created from and through the experiences of childhood. Does your list begin with marriage, a successful job or career, money etc and so on, or do you step back (have neutral objectives) and see that what you ask for is what you already do have or have had at some point giving it up for an illusion of grandeur. We are self serving creatures, habitual, we like to manipulate our surroundings to feel comfortable and when they do not, through a mirage of incoming thought (past emotions) we toss them in the garbage bin to be recycled the next time something comes up, which for sure will be at any second. A cyclic endeavour of present in thought of the past into thought of a like or disliked future based on the past that disrupts the moment and our serenity. Wow did you get that. If we looked harder we could have seen the basics are already there all we needed to do was to step back into the center and see both sides. We have learned to live a life of instant gratification; nothing is forever anymore we tell ourselves and our lives reflect that sense of want and desire. There are not enough hours in a day, not enough materialism we can acquire, not even enough power and control of others, which I will include sex and war. If we kept cars and houses, even furniture like we keep old emotional worn out responses to past experiences we would never have to throw anything away we would learn to keep our things, keep them in good working order and learn to recycle them into something worth having. So why do we constantly throw out the baby with the bath water when we do not have to?
If I asked you to draw me a picture of which you are (what you represent) could you, and what would you draw? Would you simply draw me a happy face, or a misconstrued picture of who you may think you are and are not? Can we be truthful when it comes to a detailed picture of this personality we call me? I wonder. There are times when those sincere questions pop up to ask our inner self “who am I” and where do I belong in this reality? Great questions for those of us that choose to seek but are we really interested in the answers or just the divine of it all? Some of us are fence sitters, we sit and watch those others that go by and wonder where they are going and should I be going too and then there are those whose aim is to jump right in when they think they should but never knowing when to jump and run.
The first are seekers of non action, they pray every night that someone, a divine being or other, will whisk them off to never land or take them over the rainbow saving them from their poor lost lives, and giving them a reason to go on. Those others that sit and anticipate the jump and run are just tempters of fate, a fate they have no idea what is or is not. They really have no idea of what is out there and even if they did jump they would stop running eventually because they would presume they are going nowhere, or that no one has come along and given them further direction. We are tempters of our own fate but we are also disillusioned about the fate we wish would produce itself. So we say yes we want to but when it comes down to acting on that unknown element of change, we slow down and stop dead in our tracks and turn back. We think therefore we are, and those thoughts are the temptation that drives us right back home each time we venture out without directions. Even though we may have some sort of direction if it’s somewhere we have never been we usually won’t go there anyways. We are driven by the past and the passing stimulus that we have dully created in our minds. Once we have had an experience and it turns out bad we usually won’t go there again even though a second time we may find out it is better. We build homes with no windows and no doors. We feel safe in our box because everything is so familiar. We may begin to cut a hole in the wall or think of how we could build an exit to our box but what if comes rushing into our thoughts and the all too familiar haunts us like fears of the dark and unknown. You may be attracted to someone’s house and see the window but readily convince yourself that it’s not for you. Like attracts like, like a mirror or reflection into the soul, so when you say why do I attract such and such experiences, you do because you are hard wired from past experience and they may be wired that way too. We do attract others similar to our personality and do so for a reason, growth and inner perspective are two of many I could name. Emotions also play big part and if the emotions of a past experience are familiar we sometimes choose to repeat them like a drug that we once took that we found interesting.
Who are we really and why do we do what we do? What drives us to continually find solace in complicated issues when sometimes the answer, simple and yet unknown, is there to reach out to? Why not make some holes in the walls we have built and look outside the box. Why not build a door to venture outside to breathe in some fresh air? Can we be truthful about our doubts long enough to find fulfilment in a new venture, knowing that we can always go back if we want to? Of course we can but most of the time we find it too difficult or time consuming to do so. The whys and what for’s come to mind and the what if also, sending us running driven by the emotional stimulants we mentally produce to inspire us to go backwards instead of forwards. We are all basically addicted to our lives and respond very nicely to the medication we call emotion to keep us all tied up within those addictions. The unknown is awaiting us and it is not to conquer but to be inquisitive about choice and change. There are many universes to find and those universes are right here right now inside of us, inside the very mind we carry upon our necks, from both external actions and internal actions can we find and finally understand us and draw the perfect picture of who we are, and not the fuzzy picture of many outmoded habits we have grown accustomed to.
It begins with the self understood, or self understanding. Are you the external picture you draw in your mind, what do you really see yourself as? Do you see the hologram as it is projected into the known or do you think you see the whole picture with different parts and pieces put together to make it unreal to you? We are encouraged to disbelieve, to wander about in denial of truth, but the truth is we all believe differently, objectively maybe the same but subjectively we cannot think exactly the same. We have learned through progress the process of defining ourselves in a negative space and from that negative space we move toward what we may think is a positive solution but most of the time we end up doubting our very existence in the space we made for ourselves. This is when the box gets smaller because our heads get bigger, not because we see the bigger picture but because the picture we see is missing some pixels. The positive solution we seek is in the simple choice of changing our own inner concept of how it is done and to reassure ourselves, which we don’t necessarily get from outside sources that the decision we make is good enough for now and if it needs changing or tweaking we can accomplish that also. Through this negative domain we find ourselves always defending our honour, and defensive our actions. Sometimes something just happens and we embark on a journey without thinking and sometimes it works out beautiful and sometimes that same choice works out badly, do we understand the choice we have made and why or are we on auto pilot without reference to where we are going. Fear may get us where we are going from a past tense but trust will get us over the hump and with a better picture of what is on the other side. Reassurance empowers but does not control or take control away from the present. It brings a neutral atmosphere to the program and polarity to thought so we can think things through from a present perspective and not from a past view point that does not even exist anymore. What happens when you take the building out of your view and can see the magnificence of the surrounding scenery?
Self awareness comes in many ways and how we choose to find and or figure it out becomes the person and personalized way to do so. This is what I may refer to as creative visualization. The desire to improve upon any venue and concept takes courage and the super human strength of a vision to accomplish it. We are diversified but we faultier so easily. It is virtually one step forward and two steps back at any given moment of thought. Take me for instance I had a great week moving forward in my mind and my thoughts about self improvement, getting into the positive and using my frontal lobe to the best of my ability to attract the positive, opening up to new concepts and new knowledge. Well just as I thought I am there at the beginning actually standing at the starting gate along comes the memory, (the fate of ones being that tries to stop us in our tracks and put a halter on the process), and tags me. What do I mean by tags me, well I won’t go into detail but I psyched myself into a past memory and felt not only those long held neuron-chemicals kick in but a voice from a past that said run for your life. We do this all the time, which is our one step forward, two steps back and then we run right into this past that holds us in chains until we access the key and begin again. So there I was in the middle of the night rehashing an old memory and woke up feeling so mentally exhausted I did not feel like doing anything positive. I re-found my box and there I sat. So this is how we seem to go with the best of intentions living learning and growing only to see the light of day as very frightening.
Be afraid, the mind says we have lived together for this long why change? Yes, but change we must, to become enlightened not just in the spiritual sense but in a conscious way too. I believe we can live the life we have always envisioned; by dissecting the issues that are normally chosen and compare it to something we would not normally do. Say for instance you have always concluded that you do something the same way every time, because maybe a parent or other did it that way and it proved itself a good way for them or fear became your teacher and you found a comfort in not forging ahead. Is this your own proven reality, or a shadow you follow? Those results contrived in a negative way, (because you did not discover anything new but sought out a refuge) have rebounded you to the use of inner emotions and memory. Hence by doing it the same way, did your reality show you unrealistic results, compromising your own inner ability to stay polarized and neutral only to seek out an observation of intent to be unrealistic and the necessity of flight or fight, a proven safe way? By actively choosing another option or something unknown could actually allow something new to transpire. By finding a new connection to a medium never used the brain will hardwire itself in a different manner. By learning new techniques and reading new material we begin to utilize the frontal lobe (our internet connection) a way that could actually get you to the best place possible without repetition of the same old way as always, with better and more inspiring results. Do you see what I mean, that is why I love the idea and the concept of Quantum-sync, or quantum synchronicity. The balance we can find based around the internal self, having it play out in how we accept ourselves and our values on the outside. We cannot go back and change how we became our thoughts and out actions but we can choose to replace those inner emotions (the victim) that are connected to feelings associated with a past experience and improve upon them by positive associations (success) to new projects and new concepts. Take the old values and make new values by learning to diversify the thoughts and to keep challenging you and who you want to be on the inside and out. See yourself as a new person void of those old out dated concepts that make you unhappy and so over done. Create peace within and improve life with more quality, quantity and quantum awareness.
Chapter Three:
Self Doubt or Creative Solutions
Having left the haven of self thought I have now entered the theatre of the mind, a black hole of swirling illusion, in deliberation of self associated hindsight’s. Clarity reassures me that safety ropes are in place, mostly antiquated with what surrounds me, as shapes and colors swirl around in my subconscious full of glanderous ideas and wishful thinking. I am born without resolution but find myself with restitution conjured up by fanatical tendencies to find and feel freedom within a circle I move into and out of. I wander aimlessly sifting motionless among the splendour of dancing wants and want to be. Where is the ending to this endless spinning I ask? Light into unseen darkness, into colourful images herald a new adventure. I lift up my spirit, my soul to this question of why and the wherefores of undiminished right or wrong. Here I am floating favouring an attitude an explanation for exploration explained only after the play is over and the encore endless. I am undone, doomed to resist and to harbour no grievance but only to wait for the funnel to take me to the other side in deliverance. I am free, I am uncontained. I am Alpha to Omega.
Self doubt can be a precursor to failure because the more we try to stay the same the weaker the link becomes. Try an experiment and see if I am at least half right in your mind. The next time you have doubts about something; really go deep and find out where the self doubt is coming from. Is it because you have never done it before, the risk of an unknown? Or is it something that brings up a past failure, personal or not, and inhibits you from going on? What happens next is purely brain introduced, and emotionally enhanced by the neurons in the chemicals of the brain itself, some cell biologists have even gone far enough to say it is an unconscious act centered inside the cells itself, like rubbing your tummy and patting your head. Nurtured by memory you sweat at the thought of failure, no recognition and not being able to control a situation because you have never been there before. You believe that the memory serves you well and you may inquire what to do over and over but self doubt will most likely win and you will not overcome personal adversity to believe you can instead of cannot. Now, not everything that is observed is to be completed in some way (realized) or is to be viewed as self doubt, like the stuff introduced to you in the first paragraph. This is where self communication is important, does this serve you in your life, gift you with an opportunity to grow in some way or form or does it just boost the ego to thicken the skin even more. Am I in control or do the past and the memory control me unconsciously making me believe I am in the drivers’ seat? These are questions you can ask yourself when faced with a truth or a deliberation of any kind, and you will find out the answer if you go deep enough and have the courage enough to face your unknown self. We are all in service here and sometimes we forget to serve ourselves first, but also that service is unconditional.