How Women Can Advance in Business
Roberta Cava
Published by Cava Consulting
info@dealingwithdifficultpeople.info
http://www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2008 - 2011 by Roberta Cava
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ISBN 978-0-9585834-4-2
How women can advance in business offers detailed, proven strategies for dealing with those situations. Over 700 managers were interviewed to establish why they weren’t promoting women – you’ll be surprised at the findings. Topics in this book include:
What are the REAL reasons managers don’t promote women?
How did other women “make it?”
How to handle employment interviews and discrimination
How to handle being overlooked for a promotion
What is the hidden discrimination in the workplace?
How to work effectively with male co-workers, subordinates and bosses
Mentors, networking and affirmative action
How to obtain the salary you’re worth
Could you be a successful female entrepreneur?
Roberta Cava is the owner of Cava Consulting in Australia and has presented her seminars worldwide, including her most popular session: Dealing with Difficult People that has been presented to over 52,000 participants. She is the author of 20 books and will be writing more.
BOOKS BY ROBERTA CAVA
Dealing with Difficult People
(22 publishers – in 16 languages)
Dealing with Difficult Situations – at Work and at Home
Dealing with Difficult Spouses and Children
Dealing with Difficult Relatives and In-Laws
Dealing with Domestic Violence and Child Abuse
Dealing with School Bullying
Dealing with Workplace Bullying
What am I going to do with the rest of my life?
Before tying the knot – Questions couples Must ask each other
Before they marry!
How Women can advance in business
Survival Skills for Supervisors and Managers
Human Resources at its Best!
Human Resources Policies and Procedures
Employee Handbooks
Easy Come – Hard to go – The Art of Hiring, Disciplining and Firing Employees
Time and Stress – Today’s silent killers
Take Command of your Future – Make things Happen
Belly Laughs for All! – Volumes 1 - 4
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Without the help of four distinct groups, this e-book would not have been possible:
1) Over 700 managers who identified why they weren't promoting more women;
2) The hundreds of women who took time to explain the difficulties they were running into as they tried to escape from their pink-collar ghetto positions.
3. The women who attended my “Escaping the Pink-Collar Ghetto,” “Cracking the Glass Ceiling,” and “The Balancing Act” seminars who gave me more insight into the home and work problems women were facing.
4) Those women who had achieved success and were willing to explain the steps they’d taken to succeed.
Special thanks to Patti Connolly, who edited the original edition of this book and Victoria Heron who edited this e-book edition.
DEDICATION
Dedicated to my male and female friends who have kept me up-to-date with new developments for women in business and to the participants of my seminars whohave kindly passed on their ideas, so that others might benefit from their experiences.
HOW WOMEN CAN
ADVANCE IN BUSINESS
Where do you fit
- stay-at-home mums
- family as first priority but must work
- career as first priority
- childcare
How can you obtain your family’s help at home
- family conferences
- husband objects to wife working
- overcoming objections
Giving loving time to your family
Husband’s quality time
Equality
Introducing business to home management
Which career choice is best for you?
Chapter 2 Why managers say they don’t promote more women
Barriers to promotion
No career goals
Overtime, travelling on business,
Re-location
Attendance problems
Super-woman
Personal problems taken to work
Gossip
Afraid of confrontation
Low self-esteem
Poor communicators
Can't take rejection of ideas
Using "female tricks"
Women sabotaging other women
Poor decision-makers
Men protecting women
Require more training
Promoted without training
Don't know what they're supposed to do
Women not using "unique" talents
Are "women libbers"
Chapter 3 Games played in business
Never undermine boss
Do your own job
Must show respect to boss
Double-check when offered a promotion
Accepting too many responsibilities
Know company hierarchy
Line and Staff positions
Diversification of experience
Careless work habits
Supervisory line-of-command
Military tactics
Team sports in the workplace
Conform to rules of the game
Use of female strengths
Dating workmates
Boss taking credit for your work
Using logic instead of emotion
Career planning
What is a job, an occupation and a career?
Mid-life career changes
The importance of setting career goals
Determining your transferrable skills
Career changes
Freedom from the pink-collar ghetto
Choosing a professional career counsellor
Tests and tools
Career planning information
Goal setting problems
Goal setting plan
Guidelines for setting career goals
How I obtained career counselling
Chapter 5 How to obtain the salary you’re worth
Equal pay for work of equal value
Part-time workers
Selling yourself in an interview
Interview tips
Discrimination and Human Rights
Application forms
What can and cannot be asked on application forms and at interviews
Questions women are often asked on interviews
Tricky interview questions
How to obtain the salary you're worth
Written job offers
Less work - more pay
Asking for a raise
Chapter 6 How to handle being overlooked for a promotion and other work-related problems
How to handle being overlooked for a promotion
Acting positions
Other work problems
Work related problems
The “leap-frog” syndrome
The dead-end job
Foot-dragging co-workers
Dumping or “job enlargement”
Overtime – overload
Understaffed
The disorganised boss
Too many bosses
Job classification inequities
You’re now a supervisor!
Chapter 7. Problems of female supervisors
Being a female boss
Uncooperative staff
Supervising older workers
Supervising men
Supervising former peer
Boss disciplines in public
Aggressive female label
Invades privacy
The importance of obtaining supervisory training
Chapter 8 How to be a good supervisor
Essential supervisory responsibilities
The role of the supervisor
Leadership styles
The delegation process
Meeting skills
Motivation
Time management
Problem solving and decision-making
Interpersonal skills
Employment interviewing
Training and development
Employee discipline
Socialising with staff
Supervisory problems
Chapter 9 How to raise your self-confidence level
Behaviour styles
Consequences of using the 3 major behaviour styles
Manipulation
Confidence in speaking
Self-sabotage
Fear of success/failure
Handling guilt
Learning how to take risks
Accepting compliments
How to increase self-esteem
How to let people know you’re a positive thinker
Support groups
Self-image
How to dress for success
Chapter 10 How to work effectively with male superiors, peers and subordinates
Why are some men intimidated by assertive women?
How to deal with male chauvinism
Sexual harassment
How to handle sexual harassment
Chapter 11 Office and travel tips for new managers
Rules for female rookies
Tips for female travellers
Travel safety tips
Fire safety
Women travellers' rooms
Chapter 12 Networking, Mentors and Affirmative Action
action
Networking
Using the internet to network
Mentors
Affirmative action
Chapter 13 Could I be a successful entrepreneur?
Female entrepreneurs
Incentives and disincentives to self-employment
The successful entrepreneur
Are you a potential entrepreneur?
The female entrepreneur
Strengths / weaknesses of female
entrepreneurs
Types of self-employment
Ten steps to a successful business
Know your business
Marketing, pricing, distribution, financing, business plan, organising, staffing, and managing staff
Putting your dreams into action
INTRODUCTION
Initially, I began my research on this topic for a seminar I was going to call “Escaping the Pink-Collar Ghetto.” After launching my seminar I realised from the response of my audiences, that there was a real need for this kind of book.
This book is intended for women who are frustrated in their attempts to climb the corporate ladder or who have hit a dead end in a pink-collar position. (A “pink-collar” position is any office support position with low pay and few company benefits.) It will confirm the achievements of women who have successfully transcended their pink-collar positions and help women who feel trapped in such positions to use their abilities more effectively to get the kinds of positions they want.
I discuss management’s point of view and show women many of the reasons why they’re not being promoted. Numerous women are playing a losing game in business because they’re “playing basketball on a cricket field.” They simply don’t know the rules for effective participation, or the correct methods for climbing the corporate ladder.
During my research, I found many business women who had experienced the same feelings of frustration in the work world as I had. Unexpectedly, a number of men also called me to suggest I offer them a seminar on “Escaping the Blue-Collar Ghetto.” They insisted that many men don’t know the “rules” either. Others suggested I put on seminars to teach men ways of dealing with the “new woman” that would help them avoid offending her. They wanted to know the new rules as they relate to working with and interacting with women managers. It appears that men too are confused by recent changes and want to do the right thing.
Participants who attended my seminar were very enthusiastic. A frequent comment was, “I just wish this seminar had been available to me fifteen years ago – I wouldn’t have wasted so many years in a low-level position – I could have used my capabilities better.”
Chapter One
On the home front
When problems arise at home, it’s hard to concentrate at work - so before taking a peek at what you’re doing in the work area of your life, let’s examine what’s happening with you on the home front.
Traditionally, women were the self-sacrificing nurturers in the family. However, in the last few decades this has changed, partly because of simple economics, and partly because of the liberating effects of the women's movement. In the 90s many families simply couldn't survive financially with only one breadwinner and the situation hasn’t changed since. Fewer women are willing (or able) to confine their priorities to marriage and child rearing, therefore more women are pursuing full-time careers. Presently, two out of every three women over the age of twenty are in the workforce.
Where do you fit?
Each group of women has problems unique to it - whether they're single women, single mothers, married women, divorced or widowed, or women who are empty nesters. If you're juggling family responsibilities with trying to get ahead in a career, the first question you must to ask yourself is: "Will it be worth all the hard work and dedication I'll have to give if I want to climb the corporate ladder?" You’ll need to make a conscious decision about this - then prepare yourself to act on your decision. Being successful in a career is exhausting; it requires time, dedication, a good work ethic and "the smarts." But it can be done!
Stay-at-home Moms
If you have tiny children at home, you might choose to say, "They deserve my attention right now. They're my first priority, so I'm going to stay at home with them." That's fine. But don't just "mark time" while you're at home.
Women are three times as likely as men to sacrifice their careers for the sake of marriage and child rearing, but young married women can no longer count on being taken care of by their husbands. Three out of four women either never marry or lose their husbands through death, divorce or separation.
Many women follow their husband’s wishes or choose not to work away from home for many years. Some may do occasional part-time work. However, if they had to return to full-time employment, they’d find themselves poorly prepared. Should the woman’s husband become ill, or if he decides to go back to full-time college, university or for other upgrading reasons, she may need to be the breadwinner. Or she may find herself suddenly widowed or divorced and have no other choice but to return to the workplace. If she’s not prepared - this can be devastating.
So, if you’re a stay-at home Mum, make sure you keep yourself ready to go back to full-time employment should it become necessary. But why go back to a pink-ghetto position? Instead, prepare yourself to return to the workplace to an occupation you like, and earn the salary you’re worth. While you’re still at home, start by obtaining career counselling to determine your skills and abilities. If you’ve found a good career counsellor, he or she will help you identify your transferrable skills and identify twenty to thirty occupations you could go into that would use your unique skills and abilities. While you’re at home, you could obtain the education or training you’d need to make the transition. Many courses can be taken in the evening, making it easier for your husband to take over the home and childcare responsibilities while you upgrade your skills.
The first step is to know where you want to go, and what kind of occupation you want to enter when you decide to re-enter the workforce. Be sure to ask yourself, “If I were a man, what kind of profession would I choose for myself?” Remember that seldom, if ever, will a man choose a clerical or support position except when forced to do so. Keep this in mind when choosing your career. Be willing to start at the bottom of the ladder, but make sure there are well-identified rungs to climb to get where you ultimately want to be!
When I was young, I felt that there were few career options open to me - to become a nurse, a teacher, a secretary, or, to become a mother. Even though my parents were open to my going to college or university, I chose to become a secretary, assuming that I’d probably follow my mother's footsteps and seldom, if ever, work outside the home after my children were born. I felt that obtaining a career or university education would be a waste of time and money. What a mistake I made!
I stayed at home with my children during my marriage, but often found myself bored to tears. I’d wander around, wondering what else I could be doing with my time and talents. Instead of marking time, I could have spent time preparing for my re-entry to the work force. This would have also given me two major bonuses. By taking courses, I’d relieve the monotony of homemaking and child rearing, and would have kept my mental faculties in a learning mode. Unfortunately, when I returned to work, I was forced to start all over and returned to a lower-level position than the one I’d left before having my children.
After two years of working in tedious pink-collar ghetto positions, I decided that if I was going to work for eight hours a day anyway, I wanted to be doing something I was good at - that I liked - and which would pay me enough to live the lifestyle I desired. I started by setting concrete career goals for myself.
Family as First Priority - But Must Work
Even among those women who choose family as their primary responsibility - many have to work for economic reasons. Often these women feel very guilty because of having to leave their children. They feel their place is with their children. While at work, they torture themselves with visions of their children getting into trouble. Or they believe that their children feel neglected or abandoned - simply because she’s working.
There’s good news for working mothers. Psychological studies show children of working mothers develop as well as, (and sometimes better than), children with full-time mothers. It's how much a woman loves her children, how concerned and involved she’s with them, and how happy she is with her life, (not whether she works or stays at home), that's important. Research also found that these children learn how to take responsibility, to do their share of home chores and are part of the family unit or “team.” They also gain valuable social skills by spending more time with other children.
These women need to decide how much pressure they can tolerate in a position to be able to fulfil their obligations at home and at work. Many accept positions with low responsibility - ones that don't require much energy or input, but still bring home a paycheque. Once women decide to follow this route, they’ll have to forego thoughts of progressing in their careers. Seldom (if ever) will they be considered for senior positions in a company, and their chance of climbing the corporate ladder is almost nil. Therefore psychologically, they need to curtail their anxiety about staying where they are and be patient until their family responsibilities diminish before starting their own corporate climb up the ladder.
Career as main priority
If you’ve chosen to give priority to your career and have children, your first task is to obtain adequate care for them, so you can go to work with a clear conscience. You'll need to prepare yourself mentally for the guilt feelings you'll have or that others will try to thrust upon you because you’ve “abandoned” your children. If guilt is holding you back, this book may help you find the answer to turning it off or at least easing some of your concerns.
Child Care
Working mothers need to know that their children are well cared for when they go to work each day. If this feeling of confidence is missing, they’ll find it hard to concentrate on their work., which will affect their promotional opportunities. So, if you’re constantly worrying about what’s happening to your children, make it a top priority to improve the situation. Examine the kind of care you’re now providing for your children and identify alternatives to it. Only then will you be able to dedicate the kind of attention your job will require. Finding alternative childcare might be the answer that can involve:
a) Before and After School Care
This can be provided by a reliable neighbour, your school, or possibly a community centre where the children can go before and after school.
b) Full-day Care for Pre-school Aged Children
This can be provided by a professional child-care service. The main advantage of day-care centres is your children learn how to socialise with other children. The main disadvantage is that your children will be exposed to many more illnesses - colds, flu and communicable diseases.
c) Neighbours
Often neighbours who have young children of their own will care for your children while you work. This has the advantage of keeping your children close to home and helps with the socialization of your child/children.
A disadvantage of placing your children in professional child-care centres (be it part- or full-time) is that should one of your children become ill – the centre will probably refuse to accept that child for care. You’d have to make other arrangements for that child’s care - possibly with a neighbour, relative or non-working friend until his or her health improved. Prepared for this eventuality, otherwise you may be placed in the position of missing work yourself (jeopardising your chances for advancement in your firm).
Many families find that the cost of day care takes too large a portion of their family’s salary, especially if they’re paying for more than one child at a day care centre.
d) Nanny: An alternative is to hire a “nanny.” This nanny could either live in, or come every morning before you head off to work, and leave when you get home.
Some of the advantages of having a live-in nanny are:
Younger children can sleep in;
Can assist older children to get ready for school;
There’s someone available should chool-aged children become ill, or need togo to the doctor or dentist; and
There’s someone to care for older children before and after school.
Many nannies also prepare the family dinner and clean up afterwards. Because they live in your home, their actual salary isn’t as high as you might imagine. It’s certainly worth the effort to find out what you would have to pay for this type of assistance.
The disadvantage of this kind of arrangement is the lack of privacy for the couple. One solution is to have the nanny live in five days of the week and spend weekends elsewhere. This gives the nanny some time off, and ensures a measure of privacy for the couple.
Whichever method you choose - make sure you can leave home with a clear conscience. Always provide a number where you can be reached in case of emergency. This is where a mobile phone comes in hand because it keeps you in constant contact with your child care givers, and doesn’t tie up company phone lines.
How can you obtain your family’s help at home?
Now comes the problem of being in two places at once - at work and at home. Your home situation has changed, so you'll need to decide which family responsibilities should be delegated to others. You’ll require your spouse and children's reliable help and co-operation at home to accomplish this. If this help is not forthcoming, you'll probably have to hire someone to help you with the home and child-care responsibilities.
Research tells us that when men with traditional views marry, most have no intention of changing the routine of their lives. They figure that basically, they'll do the same things, think the same things, and be the same person - but as a married - rather than a single man. In the past, women have often reshaped their personalities to conform to the wishes, needs and demands of their husbands, but this has changed in most households.
Does your husband "help" around the house by taking out the garbage once a week? If so, here's an approach that might help you obtain the necessary assistance you’ll need.
A recent survey shows unequivocally that women do the lion's share of the housework, at every stage of their lives - whether they're employed or not. Women have an hour less free time per day than men - at every stage of their lives. And once they have children, women normally do twice as much unpaid work (4.8 hours daily) than before they had children! No wonder working women are so tired!
On the other hand - when men become fathers, they do increase the amount of time they spend on unpaid work, but still work 1.7 hours less per day than their wives. One survey provided a surprising statistic. Fathers who have full-time working wives do less around the house than if their wives stayed at home. However, before the survey was conducted both the men and the women stated they were unaware of this. It was only after they both reported how they spent every hour of the previous day, that they learned the truth.
So, have a talk with him. Before you worked, you likely had distinct boundaries of responsibility. His responsibility was to be the breadwinner. Yours were to take care of the home and provide child-care. Things have changed. You're now sharing his traditional breadwinning role, so you need him to share the home-making and child-rearing role. It’s as simple as that!
The belief that the family unit is breaking down is becoming increasingly wide- spread, and the return of women to the workforce is often cited as the cause of this breakdown. The reality is, that families where the mothers work are more likely to work as a team and their children become responsible for doing their share of the chores.
Children who grow up to believe that Mom should make their beds, clear their dishes off the table, or believe that as children they're on this earth to have nothing but fun - are being deprived of one of life's most important learning experiences. All overindulgence breeds, is spoiled, selfish children, who expect not only their teachers - but later employers - to give in to their every whim.
Parents should never do for children, what they can do for themselves.
If parents do, they’ll only breed dependent, often demanding, children who expect a "free ride" through life; who depend on external things to make them happy; and wait for others to provide them with what they want. These individuals never acquire the exhilarating feeling of independence that comes from knowing they can do whatever is necessary to succeed.
Don't underestimate your children's abilities. Children become irresponsible only when parents fail to give them responsibility, and the tools to fulfil their obligations.
Family Conferences
What if your family still won't help with chores? How do you get them to pitch in and do their share of the tasks? Have a family conference and use the following strategies:
1. Write down all the chores that need to be done around the house and yard. Include everything. Make a copy for each member of your family who is old enough to read.
2. Call a family conference (allow plenty of time).
3. At the family conference, ask for all members to volunteer to do some of the chores. Fill in the chores you feel comfortable handling yourself, and have your spouse add his as well.
4. The remaining chores will then have to be assigned. (And don't let it be "dear old Mom" who takes them on - because Mom doesn't have time either!) Even two-year-olds should have chores such as:
- picking up their own toys;
- putting their dirty clothes in clothes hamper;
- helping with dusting, making shelves and drawers neat, or tidying shoes in a closet.
Make sure your family knows you're counting on them to do their chores correctly the first time. Explain that you don't want to nag them to get their chores done. Confirm their understanding of what you want them to do. You may have to write a job description of exactly what you expect from them including how and when you expect their chores to be completed. Then ask: "Can I count on you to do these chores?" Get a verbal commitment from each of them. Then, like a supervisor - follow-up to make sure they do their chores properly.
5. Avoid power struggles. If children won't give you their word that they'll do a task, ask them why. Acknowledge their reason and reply, "I know that taking out the garbage is not exactly a chore you like, but someone has to do it. Who do you think should be doing it?" Be willing to negotiate, but be firm and reasonable. If you are - the chore will usually get done. If they refuse to help out - start removing privileges (no TV tonight). If you take the time to write down the thousands of things you do for them, you’ll be amazed. Simply stop doing some of them (making their school lunches). Explain what the consequences will be, should they not complete their assignments. Be sure to follow-through with your consequences if they renege.
6. Give rewards. Signs of love and appreciation are necessary. Adults are normally re-warded for work well done; children should be too. You might put a monetary value to the chores your children are expected to complete (in the form of an allowance) and deduct money for each breach of duty. Special family treats could be arranged for exceptional work.
7. Keep track of work completed. Make sure each child knows when duties are expected to be done. If they're constantly saying, "I don't have time." help them plan their time.
8. Make sure children have the training they need to fulfil their obligations.
9. For particularly unpleasant tasks, have a rotation system where all family members capable of doing the chore, take their turn.
10. If fathers opt out of doing their share of home and child care duties and you're still doing your share, the salary of the person hired should be paid out of the husband’s salary. If he objects, remind him of the principle of sharing breadwinner / homemaker responsibilities. Parenting is a dual responsibility, and fathers should do their equal share in bringing up their children, plus their share of all the backbreaking work that goes along with the upkeep of a home.
11. If your family won't give a firm commitment to do the chores - you have two other choices. Hire someone else to help with the chores (which will reduce your family's overall income and cut children's allowances). Or you can quit your job (which will also reduce the family income). Whatever you decide, make sure your family knows the consequences of both these choices. Have them be part of the decision-making process by telling them the advantages they’ll have if you work, and the changes that will occur should you quit your job. You’ll have to prepare for this before you call a family conference to discuss the issue.
Husband objects to wife working
Do you have a traditionalist husband who still believes there should be only one breadwinner in the family - and that’s him? Has he "lost face" because it's now financially necessary for you to work?
Women should have the opportunity of pursuing a career, if that's their desire. Husbands who object to this, are being very selfish. If you feel you're slowly losing your sanity and the four walls are closing in on you, try this approach. Ask your husband if he would like to exchange roles for a while. It’s unlikely that he’d agree to do so, even though he jokingly will suggest that he’d love to have the opportunity of doing so.
Overcoming objections
1.Your husband says that after your expenses are paid, there won't be enough left out of your salary to make the "disruption" worthwhile. The husband's objection goes as follows, "Are you crazy? We can't afford to do that! If we both work, it'll put me into another income tax bracket." Explain that you need to work; - that you're going into a low-level position now, but with training and education you hope to reach a higher salary level soon. (Employees normally start at the bottom, and you can't expect to get to the top right away). Most income-tax specialists agree that the extra income tax involved is more than compensated by the income earned by the wife.
2. Your parents, your in laws, and non-working female friends offer a variety of guilt-generating reasons why you shouldn't return to work or go back to school for upgrading. "Your kids need you, depend on you...." Or, "Why did you have kids in the first place if all you wanted was to educate yourself and go back to work?" You should:
- Recognise they don't have the right to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do with your life. After weighing all the factors, you and only you should make that decision
- Refuse to accept the guilt trips they're thrusting upon you. Your happiness spreads to your family. This is not a selfish wish. It’s a necessity for your personal happiness.
3. Your husband would prefer that you did volunteer work where you’ll be away only part-time. You should:
- Explain your need to do something that suits your needs - not his.
- Explain the benefits he and the children will have because you'll be happier.
4. Your husband says he's afraid that working all day will be too tiring for you. Remind him that he has probably seen you get crankier and crankier, more and more tired around the home. He hasn't put two and two together to understand your crankiness and your tiredness go hand in hand with your boredom. Explain this to him.
5. Your husband says it's okay for you to return to work, but you shouldn’t expect him to help out much. He's too tired already when he comes home. Then hire someone to do his share of the housework and child rearing, to be paid out of his salary.
6. Your husband says he already "helps" around the house. After all, doesn’t he help clear the table after dinner and take out the garbage? You can:
- Explain the he isn't helping you - he's helping himself. It's his responsibility to do whatever is necessary around the house to get all the jobs done. This is not helping you, it's doing his share of the work. Don't ask him to "Help you with...." He should be made to feel he's "Helping himself with..."
7. You accept a position at the same salary as his. You're climbing fast, but he’s hit a snag in promotional opportunities. He's starting to show anxiety that you’ll overtake him and upset the balance of family power. This anxiety is revealed in a variety of ways. He may start belittling you or try to sabotage your career by making you choose between your professional goals and his demands. Or he may stop "helping" around the home, will withhold sex, become emotionally abusive or look to other women to boost his male ego.
Ignoring this situation certainly won't help. As one of the more intractable problems of the two-career couple, this is probably worth a book of its own. Most men are raised to believe that they'll have to support a family. Because promotions mean more money, they're willing to make sacrifices to reach the top. Unfortunately, a woman in the same position is frowned upon because she has not put her family first. Start by discussing the problem openly with him. You may need to seek professional counselling to find a solution.
Giving loving time to your family
Most working women who are parents of young children, face the following questions:
1. When time is at a premium - how do I provide quality time with my children?
2. How can I make sure my children get the love and attention they need when I'm away from home over eight hours a day?
A conscious, planned effort must be made to provide this care without the guilt that often goes along with it. Both parents need to do the following:
Spend individual time with each child that the child thinks of as his or her "special" time with the parent. This can be ten to fifteen minutes each day, or a set time on the weekend.
Keep track of your children's "other lives" - at the baby-sitter, the day-care centre, kindergarten, school, sports and artistic activities, etc. Learn about special events at school and take time to attend. Encourage your children to keep you informed.
Practice effective listening and try not to be judgmental. Don't let time with your children become an inquisition. Hear what your children are not saying, by watching their body language and non-verbal communication.
Enlist your children's help or ask for their presence when you're doing chores, so you can chat with them and discuss their day.
Use effective time planning to eliminate unnecessary steps and tasks in order to give yourself more time with your family. Establish priorities, and remember to put spending quality time with your children high on this list.
Plan special outings that cater to individual needs. At a family conference, have each member state the special things he or she likes to do as a family. Try to utilise this list when planning special outings.
Be aware of your own stress level so you don't over-react to minor incidents with your children. If you've had a bad day at work, explain this to your children and ask if you can talk to them later. Don't put them off too long. Follow up on things they need to discuss with you.
Don't feel guilty when you need "private time," and remember to honour your children's need for privacy too.
Consider the following questions:
1. Do you feel you provide quality time with your children?
2. Do you feel effective as a parent?
3. What immediate steps could you take to change #1 and #2?
If you answer yes to any of the above, I recommend that you read Dr. Thomas Gordon's book: Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.).
Husband’s Quality Time
And don’t forget about your husband - he needs your quality time too. Plan some wicked weekends and couple holidays (without your children), so the two of you can rekindle the feelings of your early romantic days. Arrange often to go on dates. Fuss and primp in preparation for these occasions (the way you did earlier in your marriage). Otherwise, your marriage might become nothing but work, work and more work. You need some time off without the responsibilities of your children and to allow yourself to let the “little kid” in you out to play.
Equality
Do working men and women face the same problems relating to their work lives? Usually No. Consider the following example:
Two employees working for a company are given the same assignment. One is a woman, the other a man. Each is married, with a fourteen-year-old son and a nine-year-old daughter. It's 2:00 p.m. An important meeting has been arranged for 9:00 a.m. in another city tomorrow. It's necessary for each employee to leave that evening on the 9 o'clock plane. There are no problems for the woman at work - her problems occur at home.
Male: Phones spouse tells her about his trip
Female: Phones spouse tells him about her trip;
Male: 6 pm wife serves his dinner;
Female: 6 pm eats dinner she has prepared.
Male: Wife helps pack bag;
Female: Packs own suitcase;
Male: Wife checks list of items to be taken;
Female: Checks list of items she must take with her;
Male: Wife asks if he wants a ride to airport;
Female: She calls a cab so he can stay with the kids;
They return from their trips the next evening at 8 pm. Both are exhausted and bone weary. Neither has eaten much since noon, (mouths are watering for a ham sandwich). They enter their front door:
Male: Wife greets him at the door with, “Hi Hon!” Gives him a kiss and asks about his trip; Children yell, Hi Dad!
Female: Husband watching TV yells, “Hi Hon!” Children meet their mother and describe what went wrong with their day.
Male: She hangs up his coat;
Female: She hangs up her coat;
Male: He flops into chair in living room
explaining how tired he is;
Female: She flops into chair in living room explaining how tired she is;
Male: Wife asks if he’s eaten yet;
Female: Asks, “Have you guys eaten yet?”
Male: Wife makes him a ham sandwich and tea;
Female: Makes herself tea and a ham sandwich. Her son sees it and asks her to make him one too; followed soon after by her daughter. Her husband leaves the TV to ask for one too. No ham left - she has tea and toast;
Male: Wife unpacks his suitcase, finds a spilled bottle of after shave. Wife washes contents of his suitcase.
Female: Unpacks her suitcase, finds a spilled bottle of hand cream. She washes the contents of her suitcase.
Male: Wife goes to bed, feels amorous towards him, but knows how tired he is. She covers him up and lets him sleep.
Female: Husband goes to bed, feels amorous towards wife, starts making advances. She mumbles, “I’m too tired tonight”. She’s shocked by his next comment, “I told you this job would be too much for you!”
Many men's lives are made a lot easier by the fact that they come home to a caring, nurturing, empathetic partner. This partner is called a wife. It's unfortunate that women don't have this luxury! If they did, half their frustrations and feelings that there's something missing in their lives, would be gone. To learn more about this topic, read What Do Women Want? - Exploding the Myth of Dependency, by Luise Eichenbaum & Susie Orbach.
Are you one of the lucky women who have a "wife" (a helpful, nurturing husband) at home? Many men are learning that nurturing doesn't have to be an exclusively feminine trait, but it can be a very masculine trait as well. Many men are learning how to nurture and be more empathetic towards others. For instance, when their wives come dragging in from work, these men say, "Had a tough day? How about a cup of tea or a glass of wine?" Or, "Do you want half an hour to yourself while I fix dinner?" Isn't this what a wife does? Wouldn't it be wonderful if all working women had that luxury?
A man with these qualities usually had a mother who cared about him enough to teach him that he can show empathy and tenderness to those he loves and cares about - without losing his masculinity. The man who doesn't have these qualities has probably been trained since childhood not to have them. Many younger men have acquired this quality because they’ve observed their mothers working and know what a toll it took on their energies
Women need to have this kind of flexibility too. They should be the "husband" at times, and do some of the traditionally male jobs. They can carry the two-by-fours, use the paintbrush or roller, and do the kinds of chores husbands are traditionally expected to do. Women can do most of these tasks - if they make the effort. Women can't expect men to change, if they're not willing to reciprocate.
Besides, any shared chore is more fun. It isn't just the man's job to paint. If you have a bedroom to paint, share the sanding and painting. If the yard needs raking - join in. If a family works as a team - the job is completed in half the time.
Carol Gilligan, a psychologist and author of In a Different Voice, observes that girls tend to be trained by their mothers to sense others' needs. They see themselves as part of a web of relationships. Meanwhile, many boys learn from their fathers to seek independent achievement, and that tying themselves too closely to others will threaten their self-esteem.
To most wives, intimacy means sharing feelings. To most husbands it means sharing activities - going to a movie together, for example. When he's watching television, he wants her close by and wonders why she chooses to phone a friend. She can't understand why he's upset if she does this, when he's not even paying any attention to her. Many wives find their female friends make better confidantes than their husbands. Quite often women live together because they provide "wifing" or nurturing for each other.
Obtain a copy of Eichenbaum and Orbach's: What Do Women Want, and give it to the men in your life. It's for husbands, lovers, fathers and sons. Before reading this book, few men really understand the meaning of the word "nurturing," because their mothers neglected to give them this essential training. Until recently, I didn't understand the empty feeling I'd often experienced during my adult life. I always had the feeling that something important was missing in my life. Even when I was married or with a close male friend, there always seemed to be something lacking in the relationship. I hadn’t connected this to not having a man in my life who was willing to nurture and helped me in the way I'd be willing to help him. Most women find this kind of nurturing through their female friends, so cultivate a few who can fill this void in your life instead of counting on the man or men in your life to provide it.
Another essential book for both men and women to read (and especially women in the workplace) is John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus which explains communication differences between men and women.
Introducing Business to Home Management
Life runs smoothly at the office - why does it fall apart at home? Where's the gas bill? When is Sally's next dentist appointment? What groceries do I have to pick up on my way home from work? When you have a dual lifestyle, balancing a career and home duties - it's usually the home front that does you in. Learn to use business techniques in the home as well.
Planning is essential to getting your homemaking chores under control. Use lists for everything - grocery bill - things that need doing around the house and yard (and who is expected to do them!). Learn to set priorities. Is it really more important to have a spotless house, or to spend an hour teaching Sally how to knit? Know the things that are important to you, and what you can let slide when more important priorities come along. Your lists should be divided into:
Have to: (Priority As)
Need to: (Priority Bs)
Hope to: (Priority Cs)
Forget it: (Priority Ds)
And find time for yourself` - to do the things of importance to you. This is usually low on most working women’s list of priorities, but in reality should be near the top. Wise parents learn that they must be what they would term as "selfish" and do special things for themselves - in order to be more effective in dealing with all aspects of their lives. Putting yourself number “one” is not a sin - it is a necessity (providing you don't take it to the extreme).
Delegate jobs to your family and follow up. That is the essential ingredient of delegation - follow-up. This is done to ensure that the job is being done properly, to give praise for a job well done, and help in improving the quality of the performance. Have a plan set up as to what you will do if the job is not done. Be consistent with discipline, and fair to all members of your family.
Use the Swiss Cheese Approach (take little bites out of tasks) in family chores. Wallpapering the kitchen takes planning, and can be done with "Instant Tasks" (soaking the wallpaper with warm water could be one).
When cooking - make multiple batches. It takes just a little longer to make meals for four days than just for one. Utilise your freezer as much as possible. Stop wasting your time picking up groceries every second day - make fewer trips.
Some leave most of the family chores until the weekend, but find that their family doesn't have time to do things together. One woman corrected this, by doing her shopping on Thursday evening, doing a load of wash every day. This eliminated the six batches usually she usually did on Saturday, which used to tie her to her home unless she did it all at a Laundromat.
Hire a student to do the jobs that pile up - cut the grass, paint the fence, shovel the driveway, or help with the spring cleaning.
In the summer, consider hiring a "mother's helper" so that babysitting and home care can be accomplished at one time. Screen applicants for this position carefully - choose the person who has a genuine liking for children and doing a good job around the house. Ask questions about how they would deal with emergencies. Do your homework and have emergency phone numbers ready for your substitute parent.
Leave "chore" lists for your children of what you expect them to do during the day while you’re at work. Make them feel part of a team - that they're contributing something valuable to the family unit. Plan special treats to reward good performance.
Which Career Choice is Best for You?
Decide how important your career is to you, and what is best for you and your unique circumstances. You may want to “mark time” while your children are young, or simply don’t want the hassles that promotions warrant. You must feel comfortable about your choice, no matter which decision you make. The important thing is that you choose what's best for you - this decision shouldn't be made for you by others. Whatever you decide to do, the maze of corporate gamesmanship will make more sense to you after you read the next chapter