Belly Laughs for All! - Volume 1
Roberta Cava
Published by Cava Consulting
info@dealingwithdifficultpeople.info
http://www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2006 - 2011 by Roberta Cava
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ISBN 978-0-9757661-2-5
Everyone loves humour and having a good laugh. Pop this eBook into your computer whenever you feel a pick-me-up is needed or simply want a good laugh. The jokes are slanted at open-minded adults and are not suitable for children. There are eleven chapters in the book – each one discussing humourous things about a segment of society.
Belly Laughs for All! Volumes 1 - 4 are an absolute must for anyone who wants to lighten up and have some fun.
Roberta Cava is the owner of Cava Consulting in Australia and has presented her seminars worldwide, including her most popular session: Dealing with Difficult People that has been presented to over 52,000 participants. She is the author of 22 books and will be writing more.
BOOKS BY ROBERTA CAVA
Dealing with Difficult People
(22 publishers – in 16 languages)
Dealing with Difficult Situations – at Work and at Home
Dealing with Difficult Spouses and Children
Dealing with Difficult Relatives and In-Laws
Dealing with Domestic Violence and Child Abuse
Dealing with School Bullying
Dealing with Workplace Bullying
What am I going to do with the rest of my life?
Before tying the knot – Questions couples Must ask each other Before they marry!
How Women can advance in business
Survival Skills for Supervisors and Managers
Easy Come – Hard to go – The Art of Hiring, Disciplining and Firing Employees
Human Resources at its best!
Time and Stress – Today’s silent killers
Take Command of your Future – Make things Happen
Human Resources Policies and Procedures
Employee Handbook
Belly Laughs for All - Volume 1-4
BELLY LAUGHS FOR ALL!
Volume 1
Introduction
Chapter 1 – Couples
Chapter 2 – Male
Chapter 3 – Female
Chapter 4 – Singles
Chapter 5- Lawyers
Chapter 6 – Doctors
Chapter 7 – Police
Chapter 8 – Airplane
Chapter 9 – Children
Chapter 10 – Seniors
Chapter 11 – Blonde
Conclusion
This book is unlike any others I have written. Most of my books relate to how to deal with difficult people and situations. I had been feeling very depressed after writing my last three books - which focused around bullying - at home, at school and at work. This was a lovely change from that disturbing and depressing research.
I had collected jokes for years, and enjoyed reading them whenever I felt down-in-the-dumps. This is what stimulated me to write a book on humour. It was soon evident that I had too many jokes for just one volume, hence I wrote Volume 1,2, 3 & 4. They discuss humour in different areas, so there’s no repetition. I also realised that the books were meant for adult audiences and are not suitable for children.
I hope you enjoy this volume enough to want to obtain the second volume.
COUPLES
Honeymoon
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband, “Y’know, you’re really a lousy lover!”
The husband replied, “How would you know after only 30 seconds.”
On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom finding the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m praying for guidance,” answered the young man.
“I’ll take care of that,” she replied. “You pray for endurance.”
Just Married
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and....I think I gave him my airplane glue."
The Neighbour
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response, she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally, she went to the model’s door and kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed, “I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here.”
“Well sweetie,” the model purred, “All these interruptions sure aren’t helping none.”
A week after their marriage, the Arkansas newlyweds, Bubba and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.
"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor took a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" was really blue.
The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"
"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape."
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don’t expect any hassles from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night - whether you’re here or not.”
Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole thing. He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing.
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
The Wedding night
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband at home in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and his position had been eliminated. It was unlikely that at the age of 55 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank that were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
The Rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated fifty times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See. He mated fifty times last year....once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated one hundred and twenty times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated three hundred and sixty five times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, “That's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Note: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations he will be ok.
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.” The daughter-in-law answered.
“But you're naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you're naked!”
“Justin loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said, “What's for dinner?”
Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
If I should die …?
Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff ...."
"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
Hillbilly Mirror
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Lingerie
A husband walked into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Critical Evaluation
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well .... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Henry never heard the shot.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change but she does.
Sign on the door of a marriage licence bureau. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” George Burns
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!” Phyllis Diller.
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.” Rita Rudner
“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for two years. I don’t like to interrupt her.” Roseanne
“Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.”
“You know your marriage is in trouble when your current husband introduces you to people as his ‘first wife.’”
“Never marry a man who refers to the rehearsal dinner as ‘The Last Supper.’”
“Why does a woman work for years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” Barbara Streisand.
“Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way and the other is to let her have it.”
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have – the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” Agatha Christie.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
“Love: a temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection and a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house!” Henry Youngman.
“One of the best ways to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” Anne Bancroft.
“Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing!’ and you can’t remember what it is!” Milton Berle.
“A man in the house is worth two in the street.” Mae West
"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’” Joan Rivers
“During sex my wife wants to talk to me. The other night she called me from a hotel.” Rodney Dangerfield.
“The first part of our marriage was very happy. But then, on the way back from the ceremony....” Henry Youngman.
“Whenever you want to marry someone who has been married before, go have lunch with his ex-wife.”
“You know what I did before I got married? Anything I wanted to!”
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there’s a reason.”
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week - a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, and I go Fridays.” Henry Youngman.
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes....and six months later you have to start all over again!” Joan Rivers.
“Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.”
“The honeymoon is over when he phones that he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.”
“My husband makes love to me almost every day of the week – almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, and almost on Wednesday.”
“I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?” Jerry Seinfeld.
“To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup: whenever you’re wrong, admit it....whenever you’re right – shut up!”
A cute quote from “A 53 things women don’t understand about men book: “Why is it that men can throw a softball with pinpoint accuracy, but they can’t aim and hit the toilet?”
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband.”
Oops
Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face).
Husband: (Makes audible groan).
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife: (Silence)
Husband: "Sssshit!!"
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
“I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.” She replied.
The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, “She’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
The maid says, “What will I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down. The man hears footsteps and then two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone, “What should I do with the bodies?
The man replies, “Throw them into the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers, “But we don’t have a pool.”
A long pause later the man says, “Is this 832-5831?”
Watching TV
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.
Saying the right thing at the right time
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you walked into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!’"
Broken table - $580
Hot breakfast - $22
Red Rose bud - $15
Two aspirins - $1
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
Your cheating heart....
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
“She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
“The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, '"Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'”
Friendship amongst women
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship amongst men
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
The Hypnotist
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: “Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.”
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying: "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
The Old Outhouse
For those of you who remember the "Old Outhouse," it will make you smile, the rest of you just use your imagination.
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollered out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?"
The Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 p.m. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
The 6th Affair
A wealthy man was giving an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned eighteen.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “You received a very strange post card.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it.” He said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”
The 7th Affair
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company . One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, ”into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said...."Those little bastards."
Pregnancy News
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck, "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill. "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Prohibition
If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the poster....
Seriously, would you quit drinking?
Bouquet of flowers
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
Your cheating wife….
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
"Most honourable sir: you leave house. I watch house, he come to house. I watch he and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall out of tree. I not see. No fee.
Chen lee. Sorree."
Golf Stories
A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, “How bad is it doc? I’m getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.”
The doc said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and tied it all together - an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his fiancée. They get married, and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them (believe it or not). She says, “You’ll be the first. No one has ever touched these breasts before.”
He whips down his pants and says, “Well look at this. It’s still in its original crate!”
Two women were playing golf one sunny Saturday afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men standing on the tee box on the next fairway. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands over his crotch and fell to the ground in agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologise. “Please allow me to help,” she begged. “I’m a professional physiotherapist and I can quickly relieve your pain.”
“No I’ll be okay, just give me a minute,” he said, as he rolled on the ground in the foetal position, still clasping his hands over his crotch. The woman persisted, and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed.
She gently took his hands away from his crotch and laid them at his side. Then she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates.
“Does that feel better?” she asked.
“It feels great,” he said, “but my thumb still hurts like a bitch.”
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and, while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny! Still holding the cow's tail up I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'”
“I don't remember much after that!
Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I am gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
The Inheritance
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
Won the Lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "George, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
The Fight
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
“Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.”
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed you chicken!”
BBQ Rules
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it‘s important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) the man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone praises the man and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Relationship
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
More Butter
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said be Careful! You Never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you Crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
The Sandals
A married couple walked into a Jamaican Sandals Shop. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on da wrong feet Mon!”
Butt measurement
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I’ll bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
The Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Alberta. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?"
"Nope," she replies.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!!!!"
Margaret replies ... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other:
Dangerous: What’s for dinner?
Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.
Dangerous: Are you wearing that?
Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
Safest: WOW! Look at you!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.
Dangerous: What are you getting so worked up about?
Safer: Could you be over-reacting?
Safest: Her’ls my pay cheque.
Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.
Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Safest: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.
Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
Safest: I always loved you in that robe.
Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.
13 Things PMS Stands for:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff (and my favourite one)
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Why we split up!
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.
The Volvo
Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing. You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night. You hear her stumble into bed around four and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover. You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night. You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece. You circle the car looking for dents and find none... But... Wait a minute...
Husband and Wife
A husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing against her shoulder.
"Oh honey, that feels good," she said.
His hand moves to her breast. "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful," she said.
His hand moves to her leg. "Oh, honey, don't stop," she begged.
But he stops... "Why did you stop???" she cried.
"I found the remote...." he replied.
Hotel Bill Too High?
The next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this....
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $ 350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he said, ”This check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad." the man replies. "She was here and you could have!"
The Anniversary Gift
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
Birthday present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman said, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"