Tomorrow or No Tomorrow
By
YoonOk Kim, Ph.D.
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
YoonOk Kim, Ph.D. on Smashwords
Copyright © 2011 by YoonOk Kim, Ph.D.
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Do you know what people do when they are very depressed and have NO hope?
On February 23, 2007 I woke up in the critical care unit (CCU) at Albany Medical Center I’d had a brain aneurysm rupture or a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage. After more than one month of hospitalization in both the CCU and the intensive care unit (ICU), I came home, but I was very weak. I could not walk properly, and I could not sit or stand for more than one hour. I was still overly sensitive to environmental stimuli: I could not tolerate too much physical motion directly around me, too many voices holding a conversation with me at the same time, or too much talking on my part. These symptoms had gradually gotten worse if it was hot, humid, or high altitude conditions.
According to my neurosurgeon, the headaches that I had during my recovery were not only painful, but could harm to my brain. I had tried many different ways of easing these aggravating environmental stimuli and physical setbacks. During my recovery, I discovered that if I sat reclined at approximately 120 degrees, I could be functional and productive quite a bit longer than if I sat at the more common 90 degree angle. I tried many different ways of easing the painful, pressuring headaches. So I was looking to use a laptop in my bed as a solution for health reasons. I was lying mostly flat in my bed using a laptop.
At work, I was given a reclining chair to accommodate me to facilitate my work. I felt as if I was very much dead, unable to sit or stand more than one hour, which confined and frustrated me. I felt disabled. Since these physical limitations had given me too much stress at times both physically and emotionally, I went through a very dark depression.
I could not do my own grocery shopping. ~~~I can’t do my own groceries—one of the basic things to live.
I could not jog. ~~~I can’t do JOGGING—one of my favorite things.
I could not go to the movie theater. ~~~I can’t see movies in the theater~~~my hobby! My nickname used to be ‘movie animal’.
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One day I had an appointment with a neurosurgeon, who implanted a shunt on my brain. The meeting with this neurosurgeon was recommended by ER doctors after another Emergency Room (ER) visit because I had several ER visits. Martha, my American friend who adopted me when my mom passed away in 2006, took me to the hospital. She waited outside when I was waiting in the patient room. The neurosurgeon entered, but only stood near the door.
He did not even examine me. He did not even come near me! He kept his distance and finished his speech saying, “I don’t have any advice for you. You have so many brain problems due to your aneurysm rupture.”
I asked, “Is there any way I could improve my condition? I hope to improve sitting more than one hour. I wish I can sit more than two or three hours.”
He responded in the cruelest manner, “I don’t think there is any way you can improve. I don’t feel comfortable performing another surgery on you. You have already had several brain surgeries due to the complications. Too bad, but you have to live like that.
I don’t have any advice on your condition, but you are welcomed to seek different doctors for a second opinion.”
He left!
He took my hope with him!
I wanted to ask more questions.
I wanted to get more medical and scientific.
Please do not leave me alone!
You're my only hope!
I have NO idea how to deal with my setbacks.
You're the one who put this brain shunt on my head!
Please do not leave me alone!
Please help me!
You're my only hope!
I was desperately seeking a way to improve my physical limitation, but there were no other ways according to this neurosurgeon.
But he left the room.