Destined For Love:
A
Step by Step Guide to
Attracting Your Soul Mate
By Michelle L. Casto
Smashwords
Edition
Copyright 2011 Michelle L. Casto
Everyday
Enlightenment Publishing
San Antonio, Texas
USA
Smashwords
Edition License Notes
This
ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may
not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to
share this book with another person, please purchase an additional
copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not
purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please
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Originally published as Get Smart! About Modern Romantic Relationships 2002
CONTENTS
Chapter One: Get Smart! Decision-Making
Chapter Two: Raise Your Self Awareness
Chapter Three: Re-Program Yourself
Chapter Four: Get in Touch With Your Spirit
Chapter Five: Get Ready for Love
Chapter Six: Get Real
Chapter Seven: Define Your Love
Chapter Eight: Love in the 21st Century
Chapter Nine: Relationship Killers
Chapter Ten: Communication is the Key
Chapter Eleven: The Stages of a Romantic Relationship
Chapter Twelve: The Relationship Avoidance Stage
Chapter Thirteen: The Meeting Stage
Chapter Fourteen: The Dating Stage
Chapter Fifteen: The Breaking Up Stage
Chapter Sixteen: The Establishing Exclusivity Stage
Chapter Seventeen: The Commitment Stage
Chapter Eighteen: The Keeping the Love You Find Stage
Chapter Nineteen: Live in Love
Sample Internet relationship websites
This book is warmly dedicated to all of the men and women who desire to find right and real love. It is my hope that through the use of the Get Smart! decision-making process you will raise your self awareness, practice active reflection, and trust your intuition—and as a result will achieve all of your romantic aspirations.
"Of all the people you will know in a lifetime,
You are the only one you will never leave or lose.
To the questions in your life, you are the only answer.
To the problems in your life, you are the only solution."
---Unknown
From The Author
Have you ever felt like Sherwood Anderson, the great American writer who in 1919 said, “I am a lover and have not found my thing to love?” You, along with a million others, have experienced the human emotion of frustration from having love to share but no one to give it to who will appreciate and deserve it. You have also probably given your love to the wrong people and ended up feeling lonely and even more frustrated. Like you, I have felt these things, but finally, I looked at my romantic relationships as learning opportunities. I also made a conscious decision to take away what I needed to learn from each and every relationship. I have put my experiences and knowledge to work in the form of Get Smart! About Modern Romantic Relationships—Your Personal Guide to Finding Right and Real Love. You will notice that I did not say “my personal guide to right and real love.” That is because part of the “Get Smart!” philosophy is that you have the capacity to make smarter relationship decisions. You just need to learn how!
One of my life purposes is to facilitate self-awareness and teach decision-making to others, which is how the Get Smart! idea evolved from a random thought to a workshop, to an interactive LearningBook. Unlike other self-help relationship books, you will not find a “magic pill” that holds all the answers to your questions. In fact, after reading and working through this book, you may have more questions than ever, which believe it or not, will help your decision-making skills. Because as the saying goes, “The one who questions never loses his way.”
The Get Smart! approach to modern romantic love is individually designed and defined by you. With the help of Get Smart! you will decide for yourself what you need from a romantic relationship. Self-awareness, active reflection, and intuitive guidance are the key components of smart decision-making.
This book has been designed to be a self-discovery tool. It includes numerous activities and journal assignments to help you learn about yourself. By deciding today that you want to Get Smart! you have decided to live in awareness and become empowered to make relationship choices that will bring you the most fulfillment.
Because I have learned to listen to my head as well as my heart, I have made smart relationship choices and want to share Get Smart! with you. Through my research, I have learned that there are thousands of worthwhile, single people out there with so much to offer, who cannot seem to find another quality person to share themselves with. They too, made the not-so-smart decision of giving their love to the wrong person, only to end up unhappy and unfulfilled. This is because they choose to buy into outdated romantic myths instead of choosing to live in awareness of the current reality. It is my belief that much of this misery can be avoided by simply applying a smarter approach to your life mate search.
Because our romantic partners often are not sought out, researched, or even given much conscious thought, people tend to “fall into relationships” based on little self or partner awareness. Even after finding someone, we often leave it up to fate to make things work out. This doesn’t make a whole lot of practical sense, does it?
The current divorce rate of 51% or more in America speaks volumes about the durability of today’s modern marriage. As a society, we really cannot afford these costly mistakes—especially when they can be avoided. And you, as an individual, cannot afford to be passive in your approach to love. Indeed, you need to become better informed about who and what is out there in the “relationship market.” You also need to become an active participant in creating your relationship destiny by utilizing an effective decision-making process.
Being proactive enables you to avoid costly, painful mistakes. Prevention is the best medicine for heartache. Playing it “smart” means you avoid getting involved in toxic relationships because you spot the problems in the beginning. Living in awareness will help you make decisions on a more intuitive level, a level that will guide you to a higher love.
One of the myths that exist today is that “all you need is love,” which is true enough if you can actually find it. But you cannot make love out of nothing, which is what many of us do in our romantic relationships. What often happens is that people project their idealistic images of love onto the other person, and when the illusion disappears, they are left feeling disappointed.
Everyone needs love, but we also need many other things as living, breathing, thinking, and feeling human beings. We need oxygen, food, water, exercise, intellectual stimulation, emotional stimulation, friendship, fun, romance, and much more to “live happily ever after.” In other words, “real relationships” need more than just blind luck in order to survive. Real love requires people who are self-aware, who have a direction in which they are heading; and the energy, effort, and time essential to fully developing a relationship to its fullest potential. It requires an investment from both partners, so that it will endure even in the hard times.
Smart people know that before you can experience real love you must first undergo a thorough self-assessment. This book will help you to do some intense soul searching, which is necessary to prepare you for a meaningful relationship. In fact, the first half of the book is focused on how to become prepared for love.
How can you find right and real love? By developing “inner guidance,” a love-map if you will. Intuition is the internal faculty that humans possess that provides direction. Intuition will lead you to the kind of love you desire and deserve, but this requires a strong belief that you possess a Higher Self that knows what is best for you.
How do you develop your intuition? Your first step will be to use this book to learn about yourself. In order to see results, I ask that you read this book with a willingness to Get Smart! and a desire to make positive changes. The journal assignments are a journey to your inner knowing. Success requires that you set aside your personal beliefs and begin to perceive relationships on a more realistic and intuitive level. I believe that after reading and working with this book, you will begin to see an increase in positive and uplifting events. This will be a direct result from your ability to Get Smart! by allowing your Higher Self to make your choices, which will likely increase your chances of meeting the Life Mate of your dreams.
To Your
Greatest Love,
Michelle L. Casto
How to Use This Book
“To
put one’s thoughts into actions is
the most difficult thing in
the world.”
—Johann Von Goethe
Dear Reader:
This is not your typical self-help book. You will not come away with the answers about romantic love. Because as you probably have already figured out, there are no easy answers to some of life’s harder questions, such as, “How do I attract and find the right person?” However, I can assure you that you will have quite a few revelations about your own behavior and patterns. What you do with that information is entirely up to you!
I’m not going to give you unfounded, free advice on how to live your life. Rather, Get Smart! About Modern Romantic Relationships is designed to help empower and educate you to find your own inner truth. This book will teach you how to make smart decisions by knowing yourself, what kind of Life Mate you desire, and how to get the kind of love you deserve. I encourage you to become actively involved in your own learning process by completing the journal assignments and applying the principles in Get Smart! to your unique situation.
I also encourage you to use this LearningBook as your personal guide, a resource that you can refer to again, if needed. Using this book in conjunction with the Get Smart! Journal or your own journal will enable you to make decisions the ‘smart’ way. Reading, reflecting, and writing will provide a framework from which to bring about positive changes in your love life. Getting Smart! means becoming aware of how you think and feel about love, and changing your thoughts and feelings to make them more realistic. This will turn around your not-so-smart love habits, and then you will be able to make smarter decisions---which will naturally draw your true Life Mate to you.
My ultimate wish is that you will gain a new and enlightened perspective about what you are seeking from a modern romantic relationship, and in so doing, will accomplish your wildest dreams. As a result, I hope you will become inspired to share what you learn with a friend or partner.
To be an effective learner about modern love, you will need the following:
1) An open mind and heart
2) A willingness to analyze yourself and your current or potential Life Mate
3) A readiness to change your love life for the better
4) A journal and your favorite pen
Let’s get you started on the path to right and real love…
Chapter One
Get Smart! Decision-Making
“There
is an art of which everyone
should be a master—the art of
reflection.
If you are not a thinking human,
to what are you
human at all.”
---Samuel Coleridge
Get Smart! Decision-Making
Because you are reading this book, I would expect that you are open to making smarter decisions in your romantic relationships. And truly, the best way to bring about change is to change your attitude and the way you think about things. The Get Smart! decision-making approach to romantic love includes raising your self-awareness, utilizing active reflection, listening to your intuitive guidance, and then making a decision. Throughout this book, you will be raising your awareness. It is important to know that if at anytime you feel lost or confused, you must go back to the initial step of understanding yourself, because the person who truly knows himself is the person most capable of making smart decisions.
We’ve all heard of people who use “half a brain” when making decisions, or those who make a half-hearted attempt at love. This book was written to remind you that you need to use your whole brain and your whole heart when making important decisions. The fact that we were given these special gifts is proof enough that we have the capability of getting smarter about love and romance.
In the modern world, there are many different ways of loving---not everyone wants or needs the same things from another person or relationship. Everyone has their own “life time-table.” Perhaps you are not meant to be married before the age of forty or even have children. Just because all your friends are married does not mean that you should want or need the same kind of relationship. Realize that you are exactly where you need to be at this present moment. Know that modern love is changing to keep up with society, and know that there are many different kinds of love, not all of which may work for you. Instead of trying to fit into a square peg, discover your unique pattern of loving. Believe in the spirit of you!
We usually say that other people make good couples because they seem to complement one another. They seem to “go together well,” like puzzle pieces fitting neatly together. Sometimes, couples may act like one another or say similar things. They may describe the other person as making them feel complete or whole. That is because they balance and capitalize on each other’s positive traits. They are unified in direction and romantic purpose. It is this sense of wholeness that all humans seek to find.
As humans we want to be wanted, we need to be needed. And we love to be loved. It is human nature to want to share ourselves with someone else, to give to them, to love them. And so when what we desire is met with resistance or failure, we understandably become upset, angry, and disappointed. Because we are human, we are bound to make mistakes in life and love. But that is how we learn. The key is to unlearn negative ways of loving. If you have learned the wrong way to love, you do not have to love the wrong way. Absolutely not! In fact, you can choose to love the right way, the smart way, the real way. Stop blaming your childhood, past relationships, or the oppression of society and develop the courage to take responsibility for yourself.
To Get Smart! is to raise your consciousness and in so doing change your perception of life and love. It is also about learning from past mistakes. It is important to avoid the wrong type of people, because when we are with the wrong person, we learn the wrong way to love, waste precious time and energy, and become disillusioned. Because most of us have an innate survival instinct, we work hard at making the relationship work. We deny our thoughts and feelings that tell us that it is not real. We want to believe that this time, I will make it work, no matter what. And so we try and we try, never stopping to consider that maybe what we are trying to accomplish is not worth accomplishing at all. Maybe what we should be working on is ourselves—becoming the best person that we can be, so that when the right person does come along, we are ready and willing to give it our best. Maybe what we should be doing is developing something to contribute to the relationship, and saving ourselves for someone worth investing in.
A major factor in modern romantic love is that unlike other kinds of love it asks for wholeness from its participants. In order to find and keep romantic relationships, we are faced with the challenge of the choice. Whereas with family or friend love, people accept us “as is.” Modern romantic love asks us to love ourselves, live holistic lives, and have our own identities, interests, and ideas. When these are fully developed and secure, then we can begin to share ourselves with another person.
The Get Smart! equation for love is to have two whole, fully aware people begin a relationship for the right reasons. It is imperative to know who you are, what your purpose is, who you want to be with, how you want to love, and where you want the relationship to go. Investigate all this before making yourself available to the dating scene.
Too often people have no awareness of who they are, what they have to offer, and why someone else would want to be with them. To find out, they seek out people (perfect strangers no less) to help them figure it out. What happens is this: The other person is already secure with him/herself and does not want or probably have time to spend on assisting the other person “find themselves.” People want to be with people who “have it together,” who are operating from their highest potential, and who are giving back to the world, not someone clueless, aimless, and selfish.
This is why the Self and Life Mate Assessment part of this book is so critical. It will help you to figure all that out and more. You will be able to re-acquaint yourself with yourself, discover your kind of life partner, and make a plan for developing the right and real love that you deserve.
Journal Assignment 1:
Draw what your love-line looks like. Think about the first time you felt romantic love, to the many loves you may have experienced, up until the present moment. What does it look like visually? What patterns do you see? How do you feel about your love-line?
Active Reflection
The process of preparing yourself for love, choosing a life mate, and developing a committed romantic relationship is complex and often confusing. In order to make well thought-out, “smart” decisions, it is helpful to engage in active reflection. To be active means to focus energy towards an activity, and to reflect is “to ponder/meditate.” Active reflection is to invest energy toward your thought process, which will enable you to tap into your intuition. It is really about consciously thinking about what you do before you actually do it. Through active reflection, a process central to the Get Smart! approach, you can more accurately interpret what is going on in your love life, which will lead to smarter choices.
As is true with all processes, when new information becomes available, perspectives change. As your own romantic relationship unravels itself, revealing more of what you may not have been aware of, your thoughts and feelings may become altered or change completely. Unfortunately, our thought processes can be much like a computer that locks up. We become unable to process new information and/or move forward. What needs to happen is when new data becomes available, we immediately make a mental note and then check it out against what we already know. This allows us to analyze our thoughts and feelings.
Most of us unconsciously choose to disregard relevant information, particularly about our romantic relationships—it’s as if we “shut down.” We lose our ability to comprehend anything contrary to what we want to believe. Foolishly, we make up our minds about someone we are interested in almost immediately. It is quite common for decisions to be based on our initial thoughts and feelings, but as we move deeper into the relationship, we reach a higher state of “knowing.” When we are unable or unwilling to process the new information it is usually because we do not like to admit that we made a poor choice. In order to compensate for this, we convince ourselves that we are still right even though we know somewhere deep down that we are really wrong. When we are not able to clearly perceive, hear, and understand what is going on, we tend to make not-so-smart decisions.
Active reflection in romantic relationships includes the elements of understanding yourself, gaining information about your partner, making sense of how the two of you “fit,” and finally deciding what to do about it. In order for it to be effective, it requires that you be completely honest with yourself about your actions, your partner, and the patterns of your current or past relationships. By “actively” engaging in deep thought (reflection) through talking about it with a trusted friend or writing about it in your journal, you are “working” with the information, thus internalizing it.
An example of lack of reflection is when you take classes and sit through a lecture, but never actively listen, write down, or talk about the material presented. When this happens, you rarely retain the information. You do not gain knowledge and you do not learn. Likewise, if you take a passive approach to love, you will not learn important lessons. On the other hand, if you choose to actively engage yourself in your love decisions, you “get smart” and are able to make the necessary changes. Change is a central component to personal growth and development. And a willingness to change is essential to increasing your chances for finding right and real love.
Once you begin to use active reflection, you will begin to see your romantic relationships more clearly. When you have mastered active reflection, it will be easy to know who and what makes you the happiest.
Intuitive Guidance
The word intuition is latin for “in to you.” It’s been said that intuition is your divine spirit talking to you. If you stop for a moment and acknowledge this, you will realize the incredible perspective you have. Unfortunately, this is a perspective you probably have ignored because it is an undeveloped skill. Developing your intuitive guidance is essential to smart decision-making and includes balancing your cognitive (thinking) abilities with your affective (feeling) abilities. Synthesizing information from your head and your heart provides you with the information needed to make smart decisions. You only have to learn how to develop these powers and bring them into your consciousness. With practice, it will become second nature for you. The first step is to become aware that you contain this amazing power! But you must choose to use it!
Next, you have to realize that when dealing with matters of love there can be some discrepancies between what the mind thinks and what the heart feels. When we fall in love, we get all mixed up, we experience side effects like not being able to think straight, eat right, or even concentrate on work. It is pretty safe to say that our equilibrium is all out of whack. And we tend to do one of two things: We either throw out all rational behavior altogether or block any and all emotions from our consciousness. We need to learn to align these two extremes, balance them, and make decisions from a true state of “knowing,” which is our intuition. It is easy to see how people who want to be in love misinterpret information that comes from their head and heart. Instead of listening to their intuition, they listen to their “need.” However, you can learn to take these two seemingly opposing faculties and align them to have singleness of purpose and direction, which will allow your Higher Self to take the lead.
The best way to do this is to be clear on what you are looking for in a relationship; then you can allow your intuitive nature to take over. The key is to believe that your higher spirit sees what is best for you. Indeed, your spirit is trying to send you messages, but you must learn to open up and receive the information in order for it to make a difference in your life. Once you have learned to have faith in this process, your heart and mind will function together more effectively and in harmony. By following your intuition, you become empowered. When you are empowered, you trust that you know the right thing to do—despite what other people might say.
Dis-empowered people go to others to find the answers to their life and thus become confused and misguided. Confused people are easy to spot. They tend to change their minds on a daily basis. It only stands to reason that if you are dis-empowered and confused, you will not be making decisions with clarity and focus.
If you are like most people, you prefer one faculty over the other. People tend to use the one they are most comfortable with, but sometimes it is necessary to look at the situation through your “weaker” one. This will help you change your perspective so that you can view the picture more clearly.
You are Head Strong if you typically:
*Overanalyze people, things, and situations
*Rationalize your behavior to yourself and to others
*Consider yourself first in situations
*Prefer thinking over feeling
*Squelch or ignore feelings of intuition when making decisions
*Hide your emotions
*Like to plan ahead
*Like to be in control
*Focus on the practical in relationships
*Use the word NO a lot
You are Heart Strong if you typically:
*Are extremely sensitive and emotional
*Feel things in the pit of your stomach
*Consider others first in situations
*Prefer feeling over thinking
*Ignore thoughts contrary to your feelings when making decisions
*Show your emotions
*Like to go with the flow
*Like to make others feel good
*Focus on the impractical in relationships
*Use the word YES a lot
Note: Neither is better than the other, but you must learn to bring them into balance to make the smartest life decisions.
In general, males (and some females) are head-strong and need to get “in touch” with their emotional side more often when it comes to love. Because they like to be in control, hide their feelings, and think of themselves first, they can miss out on some excellent opportunities to share love with another person.
In general, females (and some males) are heart-strong and need to get “in touch” with their rational side more often when it comes to love. Because they enjoy sharing their feelings, pleasing others, and are extremely sensitive, they can set themselves up for disappointment because they do not tap into the information that their head is providing.
Smart Tip:
If you are not 100% sure about someone or something, stop and think before making a decision. Usually this is your intuition trying to tell you something is not quite right.
Be Enlightened!
Until head and heart are in unison, you will be forever unfulfilled by romantic love.
Both ways of “sensing” work, but in order to be a more effective decision-maker, you need to use them in conjunction. On occasion, it may be more appropriate to listen with your heart, as it will provide the direction that you need to go. And on other occasions, you may find that tapping into your head can save you from heartache. The key is to pick up on coincidences, signs, and other external messages by filtering them through both faculties to get the most accurate “reading.” The real secret to intuitive guidance is to let your inner soul be your guide.
Journal Assignment 2:
Write about how well-developed your intuition is. What things can you do to enhance your intuitive nature? (Think about starting small. Learn to listen to yourself. For example, you can begin by using your intuition to choose the quickest grocery line or saying no to a date that doesn’t feel right.. And as you begin to trust yourself, move on to more important decisions.)
Chapter Two
Raise Your Awareness
“He
who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is
enlightened.”
---Lao
Tze
Raise Your Awareness
Self-awareness is the most important step in making a smart decision. If you don’t know yourself, and the kind of person you are looking for, how can you make a good decision? Self-awareness is a process. What you know about yourself today may be very different from tomorrow or ten years from now. The important thing is to learn to pay attention to what works for you and what doesn’t; no matter where you are in life. Let’s take a look at your current level of knowledge in regards to love and romance. If you find you are “clueless,” congratulations! So are most people who are reading this book. Look at this as opportunity to “get smarter.”
Are You Clueless When it Comes to Love and Romance?
How do you make relationship choices? What type of expectations do you place on your romantic relationships? How effective are you as a communicator with your partner? To find out, mark the following behaviors as to how you would most often react.
Would you agree Always/ Sometimes or/ Never that:
1. You get so excited about the possibilities in your relationship that you want to get to the stages as quickly as possible.
2. You tend to date people who bring out negative qualities in your personality.
3. You spend more time in dead end, going-nowhere relationships than you would prefer.
4. You find yourself forgiving your partner more than you would like to admit.
5. You make excuses for your partner to your friends and family.
6. You go out with people that you really have no true interest in.
7. She/he will change for the better with enough time, tenderness, and love.
8. You will be swept off your feet when that right person comes into your life.
9. As long as you are with someone, no matter who-- you will be happy.
10. You tend to compare your love life to other couples or people you know.
11. You usually know whether you are in love within the first two weeks of a relationship.
12. When you “give” in a relationship, you overtly or subvertly expect something in return.
13. You assume that your partner knows all of your needs, wants, and desires.
14. Your interpersonal communication style leaves a lot to the other person’s imagination.
15. You sometimes “hold back” affectionate behavior from your partner, especially in stressful situations.
16. You resort to the silent treatment when in an argument.
17. Playing “head games” can be of benefit to your relationship.
18. You tend to misinterpret your partner’s communications and behaviors.
Be Enlightened!
If you marked always or sometimes more than 10 times, you definitely need to “get a clue.” You may want to consider what you are doing to yourself that is negatively affecting your romantic relationships. If you answered “Never” more than 10 times, then you are not being totally truthful with yourself. I suggest you ask yourself why? What are you afraid of learning about yourself? Self-awareness is the first step to self-understanding and acceptance. If you don’t do it now, then when? Just how many more broken hearts do you want to give or receive?
1 through 6 represents the Choices that you tend to make in your relationships. Do you have a pattern of making detrimental ones that adversely affect you or the relationship?
7 through 12 represents the Expectations that you bring into the relationship. How realistic are they?
13 through 18 represents your particular Interpersonal Communication style. Are you effective and accurate in what you are communicating verbally and non-verbally?
Six Common Romantic Love Myths
Myth 1: The storybook romance: boy meets girl, they fall in love, and live happily ever after.
The truth is that in today’s world, people meet, date, and fall in love very differently than ever before. It is rare to hear of people meeting in the traditional way of growing up in the same town, and marrying their high school sweetheart. Modern love has been greatly impacted by the many changes and influences in our society. One social influence is mobility. We move around more than ever before, and often do not live close to our family or cities of origin where there is an easier chance to meet someone to share life with. Many young adults today have to move for their careers and end up in strange cities all over the country. It takes quite a bit of adjustment to get comfortable with one’s new surroundings, let alone diving into the local dating scene.
People are more self-interested than ever before. Modern men and women place high value on developing their careers. And they not only want to take advantage of professional opportunities, but also want to have fun. This usually means dating many different types of people, having the freedom to come and go as they please, travel, and so on. This lifestyle is not conducive to a serious, committed relationship.
Another social influence is the conditioned response of avoidance. People have learned through other people’s experiences, namely, close family members, friends, co-workers, etc that love does not always last. Many young people have suffered as a result of divorce. Understandably, they are in no hurry to make the same kinds of mistakes as those of their parents and others. We have seen and experienced first-hand the pain and suffering that a bad relationship choice can bring into one’s life. What we have not seen is the “happily ever after,” and thus, choose to wait it out. These people are not being selfish or even fearful; they are being “smart.”
Myth 2: There is one and only one person for me in this entire world
(Otherwise known as the soul mate fairy tale).
Talk about putting the pressure on people. If this myth is true, no wonder people are frustrated with their love lives. Not to mention that it sounds like a very egotistical way to think about love. After all, do you truly believe that there is only one person out there in the entire world who could love you? It seems more reasonable that there are many people whom we can choose to love throughout our lifetime, but many just come around at the wrong time or when there is not equal commitment to the relationship.
“Real love” is made up of one part planned happenstance, one part preparedness, and one part willingness. If a loveable person is standing before you, ready and willing to give and share love, but you are not prepared, then the relationship will most likely not work. Now, if you are doing what you should be doing and analyzing what you were meant to learn from that person, then you can apply your knowledge to the next person who comes along, and perhaps that will be the right moment for you.
The bottom line is that it comes down to choice. How many people do you know who spend their whole lives searching for that perfect person? They believe that their soul mate is somewhere “out there.” People caught up in this myth can seldom see the loving relationships they are missing, because they feel that there is always someone better, more attractive, more perfectly suited! They keep turning the corners to see what lies beyond and never commit to the one they are with. This is truly sad because the expectations are simply too unrealistic for a “real” person to meet. Don’t fall prey to this myth. Unless you realize there are many people to love and that it is your choice to do so, you will forever remain unsatisfied and lost.
Myth 3: I will fall in love at the first sight of that person.
This is a myth that can also set you up for unrealistic hopes. Do you really think you will see the person “across a crowded room” and instantly know that this is the one for you? Although we have heard these kinds of stories—and it may happen for a lucky few, but for most people, it is highly unlikely to ever occur.
Fortunately, there are many loving relationships which began as a friendship. There are also millions of people who have known each other all their lives and then one day decided that they truly cared, respected, and loved one another and made a conscious decision to be together. Love comes in many forms and disguises. If we are not open to all of its many blessings, in all of its forms, we miss out on many wonderful opportunities. Please do not discount the various people in your life who have stood by you through thick and thin, been your shoulder to cry on, and made you chicken soup when you were sick—the love of your life may be right in front of you. Do not be misled by this love-at-first-sight myth, because you may have already seen your ideal mate hundreds of times and just not made the decision to open your heart to him or her!
Myth 4: If only I could find someone to marry I would be happy.
First of all, anyone can get married if they really want to. The trick is to wait to find the right person to marry so that you end up having a “real relationship.” Besides, just being married or even in a long-term relationship does not guarantee happiness. It could, in fact, have the opposite effect and make you extremely miserable. Remember that no relationship is better than a non-productive, unhealthy, unfulfilling one.
Another aspect of this myth that is false is that “someone else has the power” to make you happy. No one can make you happy. Only you can do that. You alone have the power to create a life full of meaning, fulfillment, and happiness. Two miserable people who join together with the hope of making each other happy will only double their misery. The reality is that if two people who both love themselves and are happy with their current life decide to get together, then real happiness can occur. But if you cannot find happiness alone, how can you find it with someone else? You bring nothing to the table, and are in fact giving that other person an unfair burden. If you first discover your own happiness, love yourself, and then try out a romantic relationship, chances are that you will be much more satisfied with the end result. You will then consciously decide whether marriage is even an issue.
Myth 5: You can experience unconditional love within a romantic relationship.
Love without conditions between two adult people is not realistic. Life is very conditional. If our positive conditions change to negative ones, we usually do one of two things---change the condition or leave the situation. Just like in work, you stay employed on the condition that you do your job in a satisfactory manner. The same goes in love, you stay in a relationship on the condition that you play your role in a satisfactory manner. It would be foolish to get into a relationship and allow the conditions to become unhealthy and negative, and expect to receive unconditional love in return.
As humans, it is nearly impossible to practice agape (selfless and unconditional love) with our partners. Like it or not, real relationships have to maintain certain conditions to be decided by each couple in order to keep them alive and growing. It is wise to decide up front what those conditions will be (honesty, loyalty, respect, etc.). Some couples may be able to survive adultery, others will not. Don’t mistakenly believe that you can do or say anything with no regard for the other person and expect to be completely accepted and loved. In an adult, committed relationship, you must be responsible to each other and value the relationship by putting it at the top of your priority list.
Myth 6: True love is the only love for me.
This is an especially misleading myth in that it implies that “true” love actually exists for humans, which in my opinion is not true. True love is of the highest order of all loves. It is pure, without blemish or imperfections, the kind to be found on another plane of existence, such as in the spiritual realm. Since as humans we live in a world full of imperfection, we can not truly experience this kind of love. Since there are no perfect people, there can be no perfect or “true” love. However, this does not mean that we can not feel and experience “real love.” All we can do as human beings is love the best way we know how. We need to wake up from our romantic fantasies and understand that we are going to make some mistakes along the way, but all for the purpose of learning to live and love more fully.
The “true love” myth encourages us to believe another person can easily love us at all times without reservation or concern. When in fact it is sometimes hard to love those closest to us, and in reality, takes a concerted effort and commitment. The “true love” myth allows people to believe that it all comes so naturally and effortlessly. We need to realize that instead of one perfect love, there is love of the right and real kind, love that exists because we give it life, individually design it, and personally take care of it. Then, and only then, will we truly experience love.
Journal Assignment 3:
Think of other romantic myths that you have heard or possibly believe and write about them in your personal journal. Consider how these beliefs or misconceptions may be influencing how effectively you relate with potential partners.
The
Top Ten Not-So-Smart Things
People Do in Love
1) Practice unsafe sex
2) Cheat on one another
3) Mentally, physically, or sexually abuse one another
4) Marry an incompatible partner
5) Have children out of wedlock
6) Treat divorce as an easy answer to a hard question
7) Model unhealthy ‘love’ behavior to children
8) Place ourselves in emotionally and physically dangerous situations
9) Lie or pretend about “who we really are”
10) Deny that there is a current love crisis in America
Why do you think people do the things they do when it comes to love and romance? Because it is easier to “play dumb” than to make conscious, well-thought-out love decisions. Men and women alike will play dumb to get away with things, but when you wise up to their tricks and make them behave right, they have no choice but to do the right thing. Don’t let yourself fall prey to “blaming it on love.”
Journal Assignment 4:
Think of other not-so-smart things you have done in the past. What could you do to avoid those mistakes in the future?
Chapter Three
Re-Program Yourself
“ As
you think, so shall you be.”
—Benjamin Disraeli
Eliminate Your Limiting Beliefs
Are you the kind of person who says to yourself: “I will never find anyone to be with,” or “I will always get hurt in love relationships”? These types of statements are limiting beliefs that originate in your mind. They are your psychological traffic lights—usually set to yellow for caution or red for stop. Since language plays a major role in how we define ourselves, the way we say things has an impact on what we will be able to do. For instance, if you use words like “can’t,” “never,” or “always” and you believe the words to be true, you will not achieve personal (or professional) success in the way that you could if you said, “can,” “maybe,” and “yes.”
Words define our behavior. Since our words come to us from somewhere deep in our subconscious, it can change our thoughts, then we can change our words/language, and finally alter our behavior.
Positive self-talk is a great way to start re-programming your mindset. If you tell yourself everyday that “yes, I can,” then you can bet you will succeed. This is an easy thing to do when you are by yourself or even with others. You can do it verbally or silently. For instance, every night you might want to say affirmations before going to sleep: I am a healthy and happy person. I deserve to find right and real love. I am capable of both giving and receiving love. The right person will come into my life when I am ready for him or her. Or if you are in a crowd and you are beginning to think your typical negative thoughts, “I never know the right thing to say,” “I sound so stupid,” “I am not as attractive as they are, no one will want to talk with me,” etc. Literally, bite your tongue! This will remind you to STOP what you are thinking so you can immediately think positive ones: “I am a beautiful, intelligent, funny person; anybody would be lucky to talk with me tonight!” Try it, the results will be amazing!
In addition to our mental programming, we have also learned ways to act and behave through our life experiences, some of them positive, some of them negative. For instance, in your childhood you may have been taught or allowed to be dependent, needy, or selfish in interpersonal relationships. If so, you may need to work on some of your deeply ingrained beliefs about what others should do for you. Are they appropriate given today’s circumstances? Has the way you acted in past romantic relationships been effective? Keep in mind that we are free to write our biographies---our own life scripts, so if you don’t like the one you’ve been living thus far, throw it out and write a new one today! If you have always wanted to travel across country in a van, become a rock climber, move to another country, work for the movie industry, whatever!---don’t just think about it, do it! Why are you waiting? What are you waiting for? Who are you waiting for? Get out of your own way and get to it. In the book, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, Dr. Stephen Covey says:
In developing our own self-awareness, many of us discover ineffective scripts, deeply imbedded habits that are totally unworthy of us, totally incongruent with the things we really value in life . . . We don’t have to live with those scripts. We are responsible to use our imagination and creativity to write new ones that are more effective, more congruent with our deepest values and with the correct principles that give our values meaning.
Our associations with others often give us feedback on what we are like, but can sometimes be a distorted picture of ourselves. Our life scripts come from the people that impact us the most and even from those we barely know. First and foremost, our families teach us about ourselves. But remember: many families are dysfunctional and often do not do a good job of encouraging, enlightening, or loving. Many times parents and children do not take the time to really get to know one another. And even after you grow up, parents tend to treat their adult children as if they were still twelve years old. When parents do not allow you to grow and change, they limit you. Their words may limit you. If they are critical, nagging, or un-supportive, you will tend to believe them—after all, they are your parents. But, at some point in your life, maybe even today, you need to reject what they and others have said. Take it upon yourself to write your own life script. I truly believe that if you see yourself as a positive, productive, warm, and generous person, then others will see you that way too.
Besides our friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, the most significant person who contributes to our life scripts is our life mate. He or she has a lot to do with our self-esteem, level of personal satisfaction, and ability to grow and develop. If they are a negative influence in our life, then they will provide limiting beliefs. The more time we spend with someone, the greater their impact. So, if day after day, month after month, year after year, you have been with someone who has either verbally or non-verbally communicated to you that: “you are no good,” “nobody else would want you,” “you could not make it without me” then you are going to start believing it. Example: if your partner cheated on you, one limiting belief could be: “I am not good enough, so he had to go somewhere else to get what he needed.” The person who has been cheated on starts to blame herself, when in reality it is the other person’s problem.
Limiting beliefs affect not only individuals, but families, and ultimately, our world. If we are going to move into the next century in the “knowing,” we need to empower the people we love. We need loving relationships that encourage people to be their best, so that they can give themselves wholly to their partners, their families, and the greater world. The ‘ripple effect’ is what I see happening. When problems start between two people, it soon ripples out to their children, their friends, the workplace, the local community, to the state, the nation, the world. Relationships that tear people apart and create unhappy, unproductive people are detrimental to the whole of society.
Journal Assignment 5:
Write about the limiting beliefs that you have learned. Then write a new life script that includes specific things about your life that you would like to change, goals to be achieved, and long-term strategies for overall self-improvement.
Thirteen
Behaviors That Will Prevent
You From Finding Right and Real Love
1. Doubt
Doubt is a powerful and negative thought. Since thoughts create reality, your ability to think positively will impact your ability to find a Life Mate. If you doubt that you will ever experience real love, you most likely won’t. Because you have already made up your mind, you will not act in ways that will attract the right person into your life.
2. Idealistic Thinking
There are no perfect people, but there may be quite a few people with whom you’d be compatible and could make you very happy. However, if you are only seeking the ideal perpetuated by movies, TV, and magazines--you will never find anyone “good enough.” Since there is an incongruity between what is portrayed and what is real, we are often convinced that models and movie stars are available to us. Turn off the tube and tune into the beautiful, loving people that are already in your life.
3. Bad Timing
Some say that timing is everything. This is particularly true in romantic relationships. If you or your partner is not ready and willing to be in a close, monogamous, loving relationship then it can not and will not work out. Wait until the time is right for love.
4. Risking Too Much or Too Little
If you have ever risked too much in a relationship, then you know how disappointing it can be when you find out that you gave it your all only to have given it to the wrong person. The result is a gun-shy approach the next time around. Giving too little can also result in an unfulfilled relationship in that you have not adequately provided the relationship with what it needs to develop. You usually look back at relationships like these and say, “if only” I had done this or said that. Don’t fall into these traps of holding back or pushing forward. Find exactly what your relationship needs and give it freely, without restraint or regrets.
5. Poor Decision-Making Skills
If you have not mastered Get Smart! decision-making, you may keep on making poor partner choices. You need to develop your decision-making skills before you can find a healthy relationship. Remember that if you are with the wrong person, your chances greatly decrease for finding the right one. Don’t let poor decisions stand in the way of finding real love.
6. Trying to Change the Other Person
Just don’t do it! People do not like to be worked on or “fixed” by someone else. If you do not like something about your partner, then you need to decide what to do about it: accept it or remove yourself from the situation. If you continually find people who are in need of your help, you are denying yourself a meaningful relationship.
7. Inaccurate Perception
Accurately perceiving yourself, your partner, and your relationship is of the utmost importance in finding right and real love. If you are lying to yourself about some aspect of yourself, your partner, or the relationship, you will deceive everyone and eventually break up. False perceptions develop from repeated information that you begin to believe to be true. If there is something that you need to see or understand but simply refuse to, you will continue to be with the wrong type of people. If you find it hard to view people and relationships objectively, distance yourself from the situation so you can see clearer.
8. Inability to Learn From Past Mistakes
Are you the kind of person who keeps making the same mistakes with the same types of people over and over? Why are you unwilling to learn and make a positive change? Do you somehow enjoy the pain? If you do not learn, you have no one to be upset with except yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. In your next relationship make a concerted effort to learn the “right and real” way to do things.
9. Blaming Yourself or Others
What are you allowing to happen in your relationship and who are you blaming? If your last partner went out drinking every night and you let them get away with it, you really have no one else to blame except yourself. You are only responsible for your actions. Take action to protect yourself and stop blaming others for your unhappiness. On the other hand, if you are insecure and blame yourself for things that are out of your control, you need to realize that some people are just jerks and there is nothing you can do about it.
10. Unable to Accept Personal Responsibility
This behavior is closely related to #8 in that it puts the responsibility to accept and acknowledge what you are doing or not doing in romantic relationships to help or hinder its growth. It takes two to make, break, or fake any relationship! What is or has been your part to play? Do not be afraid to admit what is going on, you can only grow from the knowledge.
11. Your Ego
Our egos often get in our way from finding our right and real loves because they prevent us from looking at the world through anyone else’s eyes but our own. We need to realize that the world does not revolve around us, and that the things we do affect others and the environment around us. Our egos can also hamper our ability to admit when we are wrong. Do not let your over- blown ego get in the way of saying you’re sorry and establishing real intimacy with another human being.
12. Fuzzy Boundaries
If you set up boundaries only to let someone tear them down, what good are they? I have heard people say, “I told him (or her) to get out of my life,” and yet, they would let him or her come around, or worse—go to him or her. This is a prime example of saying one thing and doing another—people will believe your actions every time, so if you are saying one thing and allowing the opposite to occur, you need to reevaluate your boundary system and get another one in place.
13. Refusal to Change
If you have been the same person for as long as you can remember, perhaps it is time to make a change. It is not healthy to go through life inflexible and unwilling to personally grow and develop. As your life circumstances change, learn to cope and adapt so that you always have something positive to contribute to your relationships.
Free Your Mind
We are all products of our environment. Where and how we were brought up, the kinds of things we were exposed to, the knowledge we gained, and our interactions with friends and family have a major impact on how we perceive the world. In large part, our personalities are pretty much in place by age five. The famous psychotherapist, Erik Erikson, wrote about the eight developmental stages that all humans go through beginning in infancy and continuing until our death. The first, and in some ways most important, is Trust vs. Mistrust. As an infant, we either learn to trust that we will be taken care of or not. Obviously, if we did not overcome our “trust issues,” this will impact our personal relationships.