How to Give a Guy Spectacular Oral Sex
Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2009 Emily Nagoski, PhD
About the Author
Emily Nagoski has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior, with a concentration in Human Sexuality from Indiana University, and a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology also from IU, including a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. While at IU, Emily taught courses in both Human Sexuality and Marriage and Family Interaction. With more than a decade’s experience as a sex educator and an unshockable enthusiasm for empowering others to have healthy, joyful sex, Emily brings insight and clarity to the often perplexing, always fascinating world of human sexuality.
Table of Contents
What Will This Guide Cover?
Why Do Men Like Fellatio So Much?
What Are Some Common Issues?
The Awful Truth: Bad Blowjobs
Top 10 Characteristics of Fabulous Fellatio
Top 10 Things to Avoid During Fellatio
How to Be Confident About Fellatio
3 Things the Best Fellators Know
Getting Past Your Discomfort About Going Down
The Psychological Dynamics Behind Fellatio
Male Sexual Anatomy: What You’re Touching and How to Touch It
The Five-Spot Technique
Male Arousal Process and Visual Cues
Navigating Arousal
How to Tell How Turned On He Is
Stepping on the Gas
Pumping His Brakes
Part 2: Blowing Him Away
Fundamentals
Manual Techniques
Oral Techniques
Advanced Techniques
Part 3: Ups and Downs of Going Down
Gagging During Fellatio
If Fellatio Makes Your Jaw Ache
Back or Knees Ache During Fellatio?
Scent and Sensibility
He’s Ambivalent about Fellatio
You’re Just Not in the Mood
Fellatio and STIs
Fellatio with Condoms
Delayed Orgasm and Fellatio
Premature Ejaculation and Fellatio
Lost Erection and Fellatio
Part 4: Conclusion—Great Sexpectations
Great Sexpectations
Appendix: Selecting a Lubricant
Nuts and Bolts*
What Will This Guide Cover?*
You want to learn how to give a spectacular blowjob.
Maybe you’ve already got some experience and are looking to take your oral sex skills to the next, eye-crossing level. Or maybe you’re a novice looking for any tips that will help you feel confident and competent during your first few experiences. Either way, you’ll need a good understanding of the anatomy and physiology of male sexual response, an attitude of creative curiosity, and a toolbox of techniques that will give your man a kind of pleasure he’s never even imagined — and you’ll find all those things in this guide.
You’ll also find strategies for confronting fears, solving problems that may arise, and suggestions for getting yourself (or your partner) confident and competent enough to have a stellar oral sex experience.
Why Do Men Like Fellatio So Much?*
Most men really like fellatio. Many of those who don’t like fellatio might like it better if they knew their partners liked giving it. There are many things about fellatio that appeal to men’s sexuality. Here are the biggies:
*Sensation A mouth and tongue can give sensations that no hand or vagina can. They are warm and wet and soft, they can be tight or loose, they can provide suction, and they can be paired with hands to make for much more sensation. All of these are good things. At the simplest level, men like fellatio because they like the feeling of a mouth wrapped around a penis. With its warmth, wetness, pressure, friction, and movement, bottom line: fellatio feels good.
*Novelty New and different experiences are exciting for many men. Even if he’s had a blowjob before, he won’t have experienced the kind of expert handling you’ll be able to give him by the end of this tutorial. The idea that novelty is inherently good (for sex) might seems foreign to you. While men respond to novelty, women are more likely to need to get used to a new sensation before it’s really pleasurable. For example, women are more likely to be orgasmic with partners they’ve been with before. But for guys? New is exciting. New is good. Do new things and it hardly matters what it is, the newness alone will make it interesting to him.
*Power There is also a school of thought that says that men like to be in control, like to dominate. Sometimes that’s true. But sometimes guys prefer to hand themselves over and be servants to their partners’ desires. Only you know your guy well enough to tell which dynamic rings his bell. Both can be created during fellatio, and both can be turn ons. The sensations associated with fellatio are enhanced and amplified by the psychological power dynamics that partners can play with.
What Are Some Common Issues?*
All of the most common problems that arise from fellatio are reviewed in more detail in “Ups and Downs of Going Down” below, but let’s get something clear right from the start:
Hardware malfunctions, such as trouble either with erection (lack of) or ejaculation (either too soon or delayed), are not caused by “bad blowjobs.” The fellator’s lack of skills is among the least likely causes of erection or ejaculation issues. Sometimes your stellar performance could be part of the problem—if your guy struggles with premature ejaculation, you might shoot him right over the edge.
Among men on the young side of 40, psychological factors like performance anxiety are the likeliest cause. Among men on the other side of 40, it might be psychological or it might be physiological; testosterone levels drop steadily over a man’s adult lifetime, and other health issues like heart disease and diabetes can effect sexual functioning. The moral of the story here is that his physical (or psychological) issues probably have nothing to do with your technique.
Other problems can arise on the fellator’s end of things. Physical discomfort, choking, and fears about fellatio (such as swallowing) can all be addressed and managed. They’re common and totally reversible.
The Awful Truth: Bad Blowjobs*
That said... yes, there is such a thing as a bad blowjob. Not enough physical pressure, too much or too little friction, too much or too little lube, not enough variety... but ultimately the worst fellatio happens when the fellator doesn’t feel good about what she’s doing. She may not enjoy fellatio, or she may lack confidence, or she may be thinking so much about technique that she’s not paying attention to her partner.
You’ll find lots of information later about the cues to watch for (and listen for and feel for). Many of the common problems women experience with fellatio can be prevented with simple shifts in attitude and a little extra knowledge. This manual should be about the difference between good and great.
Top 10 Characteristics of Fabulous Fellatio*
10. One word: wet. Saliva is your friend. Lube is your friend. Like all good friends, you can call on them when you need them. Great fellators lick their palms and squirt on lube freely. Don’t be shy. Check out “Appendix: Selecting a Lubricant” for guidance on how to select a lubricant that’s right for you.
9. Two words: Hand. Job. Your hands have more strength and stamina than your mouth ever will, so much of the stimulation of a blowjob will come from your hands. Use your fingers, palm, and wrist to do the work that your tongue, lips, and jaw can’t.
8. Let your tongue do the things that only tongues can. Lick. Flick. Brush. Even if these things don’t make him come, they’re different from what he’ll experience during any other kind of sex, and novelty is good.
7. Squeeze a little as you move your hand up, release as you move your hand down. You can practice that now — squeeze up, release down. And twist your wrist. Got it? Now you’re an expert. It’s the little extras that make all the difference.
6. Suction. It’s a special feature of oral sex that neither intercourse nor a handjob can replicate. With practice your jaw will strengthen so you can suck harder and longer, but in the meantime, suck gently, saving the really intense sucking for the, um, pivotal moment.
5. Keep a steady rhythm. When you find the pace that makes him sigh and then gulp and then shudder, stick with it. Incremental, almost imperceptible increases in speed and intensity will draw him higher into arousal.
4. It’s not just about the penis! The best blowjobs combine stimulation of the penis with the scrotum, perineum, anus, rectum, prostate, thighs, belly, nipples, and whatever else you can reach. The idea is to swirl him upwards in a whirlwind of sensations until his eyes cross and his toes curl.
3. Confidence. A “Wow, she really knows what she’s doing!” response doesn’t come from technique but from attitude. You know you’re hot. You know he loves it when you put your mouth on his genitals. Revel in that.
2. Attention. Attention. Attention. All your attention should be focused exclusively and lovingly on him! The more attention you pay, the more attuned you’ll be to the clues his body is sending you about his arousal state. With practice, you’ll learn to read his signals intuitively.
And... the number one characteristic of fabulous fellatio:
1. Enthusiasm! Masturbate while you go down (see “Advanced Techniques”). Make noise. Grin. Make eye contact. Love the feel of his penis in your hands and mouth and you absolutely cannot go wrong.
Top 10 Things to Avoid During Fellatio*
10. Teeth. Watch it.
9. Fingernails. Ditto. Cut ‘em short, file ‘em smooth, and take off your rings while you’re at it.
8. Not enough pressure. Guys have about a third more upper body strength, so his hand gives more intense stimulation than yours. You’d be surprised how much pressure a penis can take. Try a wide range of intensities — pressure, speed, lube, grip — including things you’re not really sure he’ll respond to. Experiment! You can do more than you think.
7. Gagging, choking, and otherwise not enjoying yourself. Don’t try to impress him with crazy, wild moves that make you uncomfortable. Impress him instead with the finesse of your wrist and fingers and tongue. If the fancy tricks aren’t your style, leave the deep throating to porn stars. They’re getting paid. You’re doing it for the love of the man and the penis. So do what you love!
6. Missing his signals. Even guys who are quiet are giving out tons of signals about what they like — and not just his erection. If he’s holding his breath, gasping, or huffing, he’s feeling pretty damn good. As his arousal increases, his abdomen, thighs, and buttocks will contract, and as he approaches orgasm his scrotum will tighten. Notice, and enjoy!
5. Being distracted. Great fellatio doesn’t happen if you’re thinking about the grocery list, the kids’ lacrosse game, the bad meeting at work today, or anything other than the body in front of you. Focus! Love it! Pay attention!
4. Clock watching. A “How long is this going to take?” attitude will get you nowhere. If you bring uninterrupted time and focused attention to all your lovemaking, that alone will make your sex life better!
3. Giving up. Not every technique will work equally well, and it’s all too easy to get frustrated if your guy loses his erection or takes a while to orgasm. If at first you don’t succeed...
2. Boredom. If you’d rather be watching “Grey’s Anatomy,” you should just go do that. For serious.
And... the number one thing to avoid during fellatio:
1. A grimace of disgust. Really, how would you feel if he went down on you looking like that? If oral sex grosses you out, don’t do it. If you wish it didn’t gross you out, you’ll find lots of ideas in the “Ups and Downs of Going Down” section for overcoming your aversion. Go down when it brings you pleasure.
How to Be Confident About Fellatio*
Lack of confidence often comes from lack of experience, uncertainty about whether or not he’ll like what you do, or uncertainty that you’ll like doing it. Let’s talk about all three:
1. Lack experience? That’s easy to fix when you’ve got a partner. Just ask if he’d like you to go down on him! Bet he’ll say yes. Enthusiasm and curiosity will more than compensate for unrefined technique. As you learn about your partner, you’ll learn what he likes — and what you like! Try lots of things and find out what works.
2. Not sure he’ll like it? Have a toolbox of techniques at your disposal. One of the biggest barriers novices face is getting there, in front of his junk, and freezing up, thinking, “Okay, but what do I do now??” There are dozens of techniques in this tutorial, and each of them can be varied in terms of intensity, pressure, speed, wetness.... If one doesn’t work the way you want, try something else. Creativity, a willingness to do something imperfectly, and a whole lot of ideas will keep fellatio from ever being boring, ordinary, or predictable. Experiment and play while you explore what kinds of stimulation have the desired effect. If you’re really feeling unsure, you can take all the pressure off by saying you’re going to play around with a bunch of techniques to learn what he likes. That way there’s no pressure on either of you and you’re free to try new stuff without worrying about getting him off. And curiosity about his nether regions is hot.
3. Not sure you love fellatio? Not everyone begins their fellatio careers loving oral sex, and not everyone decides to learn to love it. Going down is your choice. Do it if you want to. If you don’t want to, don’t do it, and feel confident in your decision. You are under no obligation to go down, and anybody who makes you feel bad about not doing it is unworthy of your attention. Seriously. There is no “should” or “supposed to” about it.
3 Things the Best Fellators Know*
1. Fellatio is fun! The best fellatio happens when the fellator really, truly loves what she’s doing and really, truly enjoys the effect it has on the “fellatee.” If you aren’t enjoying yourself... well, imagine how you’d feel if your partners went down on you but clearly wasn’t very glad to be there. Ew. Now imagine if he went down on you and clearly loved being there. Yeah. The best blowjobs are done with pleasure. If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re not doing it right.
2. Fellatio is noisy and messy. The sights, sounds and feel of a blowjob are undignified, silly, funny, and weird, as well as sexy, hot, and hugely arousing. Fellatio is a celebration of a relationship so trusting and open that you’re ready to put another person’s genitals in your mouth. Don’t be shy — use your imagination, your knowledge, and, when necessary, several towels to make the experience as positive as it can be.
3. The fellator is the one in control. You have in your hands and mouth the most sensitive part of a man’s body. Believe me when I tell you: he is at your mercy. The best fellators know that they’re in charge and they wield their power with aplomb.
Getting Past Your Discomfort About Going Down*
But suppose your partner wants you to, and you want to give your partner pleasure. You don’t love fellatio, but you want to learn to love it? Some tips:
*Skip the question, “Why?” Instead, ask yourself, “What is it about fellatio that I don’t love?” Many of the things you think of are discussed in the “Ups and Downs of Going Down*” section— have a browse there.
*You might also just hesitate at the thought of putting someone’s genitals in your mouth. Mostly genitals are like any other body part, and if you feel comfortable kissing his lips or his shoulders or his belly, you can feel comfortable kissing his genitals. Worried about hygiene? Take a shower together!
*Dispel the mystery with a sex-free grope. Sometimes women can feel baffled by men’s genitalia, and demystifying the whole thing can help you feel at home down there. Really, there is nothing to be afraid of. Guys will frown to read this, but when you get down to it, men’s genitals are pretty silly; even the hottest of hard-bodied men still has this undignified tangle of soft dangly bits between his legs. So get your guy to lie back some rainy Saturday and go exploring — with your hand, your eyes, your mouth, your elbows, whatever you feel comfortable trying. Hell, bring a magnifying glass if you want! Explore his other parts too, see how the genitals compare.
*Experiment cautiously. Try a few of the tips and techniques you’ll find here that you’re curious about. If they work out, awesome! If not, that’s cool too. Remember, there’s no obligation, and the fact that you’re looking for ways to love fellatio is great in itself!
*Don’t do it just because he wants it. The Martyr Blowjob, I call it. If you’re doing it for him even though you don’t like it, it’s like when he agrees to watch the sappy chick flick with you — it’s nice that he made the effort, but his boredom and eye rolling make you wish he’d just go upstairs and watch sports and leave you alone. Dig? I have never yet heard of a guy who really loved the blowjob he got from a woman who did it just because he wanted it. Do what you love, and he’ll love what you do.
The Psychological Dynamics Behind Fellatio*
Always, it’s the fellator, not the fellatee, who’s in control. Being the one in control means you get to decide whether you’re “on top” or “on bottom,” psychologically speaking. It’s counterintuitive, I know, to think about deciding to be controlled, but in all consensual sex that’s how it works. You get to decide, you and your partner, who’s on top or on bottom or if you’re both doing both:
*Dominating is pretty straightforward. Pin him to the bed (or the wall), or order him to strip off, or anything else that lets him know that you’re the one in charge and it’s time for him to stay still and take what’s coming. Then have your wicked way with him, using all the skills and strategies you learn in this guide. Overwhelm him with the fabulousness of your fellatio. The best tops give their partner every kind of pleasure, but make him beg for it.
*Submitting is a little more complicated because it relies on his ability to take the lead. As a sub, your job is to give him what he asks for — “ask” being the key word. He asks (though he might phrase it as if it were a command) and you either agree or not. The best subs, like the best tops, give their partner every kind of pleasure, but instead of the partner begging, he “insists.”
The two dynamics are remarkably similar; the differences lie in your attitude, not in your techniques. In the “Advanced Techniques” section, you’ll find exercises that outline ways of being in control and allowing yourself to be controlled. These can be varied to suit you and your partner, but they can serve as a starting point for developing your sexual persona as dominatrix of servant.
Male Sexual Anatomy: What You’re Touching and How to Touch It*
Glans – This is the head of the penis. “Glans” comes from the ancient Greek word for “acorn.” The head of the penis doesn’t actually look that much like an acorn, but that’s where it got its name. Some researchers suggest that the glans got its shape through sexual selection — basically women were more likely to reproduce with men whose penises featured this type of shape.