Lost & Found
by Violet Yates
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2011 Violet Yates
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Introduction
I tend to write poetry when I am at my lowest, and the past thirteen years have been quite a struggle. I went through a turbulent marriage, a devastating divorce, and a spiritual transformation. It didn’t happen as neatly as it transcribes into written words, however; there was a lot of pain, strife, and a desperate struggle to cope with alcohol addiction and mental illness, as well as failing health. I spent many years feeling a loss, even when I was happy. I was thirsty for love, and wasn’t getting it, no matter how hard I tried and who I turned to. It was only when my life bottomed out that I turned back to Jesus Christ. He offered me the perfect love I was looking for. I would not be here without Him. It is to Him I dedicate this book, as well as my children: Nathaniel, Stephen and Trinity, who have been my solace every step of the way.
Although this isn’t a novel, it does tell a story of my journey. I wrote these poems from a place of extreme pain and loss. I laid them out as written, so you can experience the road as I traveled it. I haven’t changed the language at all, because I want the reality of how it was to really show. I leave it to the reader to interpret the meaning behind each poem. May God Bless You All.
Chapter One
You Complete Me
Lost (1999)
The sky crashed in,
The heavens: stormy, gray.
Heartless, cruel.
Rain fell, harsh, obliterating the sun.
I couldn’t fathom…
What should I do, what was I to do?
Tears blending; ice upon the hard cold ground.
Helplessness,
The familiar fear.
Emptiness,
Walls closing in.
My heart, lost,
Therefore my soul could not be found.
The Dream (1999)
As I sit here I wonder,
What you are thinking about in this cold and lonely world?
Are you thinking about me?
Are you missing me?
I wish I could be as strong as you are,
Then maybe I could get on with it,
Live my life with hope for happiness.
But as far as I can see,
My heart’s in chains that only you can set free.
It is such a shame for me you see,
Because there are so many endless possibilities
One says I am beautiful,
The other says I am wonderful,
Yet still I wait,
To hear it come from you.
I don’t want to allow anyone to enter.
My heart has a wall as a barricade,
Soul is frozen in time,
No one can melt it but you.
What can I possibly do?
I hope one day,
I will feel a different way.
That I will wake up knowing,
You aren’t the only one out there for me.
This is a cold and lonely world,
Yes that is true.
But there are endless opportunities,
Not only for just me and you.
I may only think of you,
You may be the only real person in my heart.
Yet there is a dream inside of me,
That will not come out of the dark.
The dream I dream is the hope for something new.
The Fire (1999)
In a twilight sky I stand alone tonight,
Birds lie in shadow. I hide from sight.
Alluringly, I almost feel your might.
I am appealing to your darker side,
The one you try so desperately to hide.
I want to see you, my heart's in ecstasy,
Journey to the edge of euphoria with me.
It's mystical; it's drifting; calling to us,
Come closer to eternity tonight.
Farther, farther, please feel me,
It is destiny, do not fight.
No one will know, hear my cry,
Why must you stand so far?
Don't you see, must you justify?
Come, come, my life is yours, feel my soul,
Oh please stay don't go.
Love me hold me be mine right now,
I want to be yours, I don't care how.
As the night sky creeps into day,
Don't hold your love away.
Angels Fly (2001)
Angels fly above you,
On the wings of clouds.
Where are you now; what is true?
The light has been dimmed; there’s no end in sight,
No fun or hope exists,
They have taken flight.
What has been, will always be,
Though perhaps weaker.
Once bold, now oddly meek.
In a haze of cynicism, I sit tonight,
Ironically plotting,
To be what once was despised.
Yet for survival, I plod wearily on,
Attempting to glimpse,
What I fear has gone.
And still,
Angels fly above you,
And discover my wistful song.
High Hopes (2002)
Thinking of you as I lie alone in this room,
Trying to blot out all feelings of doom.
Wishing I could be with you when the sun rises,
Laying quietly in your arms as night passes.
To feel you near is all I'd ask tonight,
Though you might want more, you might.
Must be some kind of grand thing,
Even before we part, it's you I'm missing!
I will be dreaming of you throughout the dark skies,
If I suffer a nightmare, who will dry my eyes?
I am sending you a heart-felt kiss into the night,
Pluck it out of the starry sky and hold it with all your might.
I desire the feel of your soft lips caressing mine and much more,
So consider the beauty of us; when you see me next, open your heart's door.
For An Angel (2002)
* for Desiree Martin
Angels fly with you underneath a starry sky,
Hand in hand on the wings of clouds.
Up in Heaven, watching over us all
Your light will not be dimmed; you will carry on,
Among the Angels,
You are safe and warm.
What has been, may not always be,
But we will never forget you
You will never be gone.
You are an Angel, flying above us,
We will always cherish your precious song.
Only Me (2003)
I cannot forget, no matter how I try,
The way you looked when I peered into your beautiful eyes.
Your soft caress, so sweet, so luscious,
Sent thrills down my spine, yet dark and deadly,
To my soul.
Now I sit, alone and aloof…
Desire causing me to spin out of my mind.
Wanting you and not having you…
Why were you the hardest to find?
I loved the way you tasted,
Your soft lips on mine.
Where are you now? I ask myself all the time…
Not with me, I know, but beyond that, I have not a clue…
The loneliest cell, is the one inside,
In the darkest recesses of my heart,
Threatening to spill out.
Still I keep it in,
Not willing to challenge destiny.
So I simply wait,
And hope,
Maybe, you’ll want
Only me…
You (2003)
You’re the personification of beauty,
The likes of which I’ve never seen.
I don’t even know what it is,
About you.
You make my heart glad,
And when you’re there,
I experience chills of delight.
I am made to be speechless.
I, normally one of many words and thoughts,
falter…
Aye, and my heart adores your soul.
Of Late, I long (2003)
Of late I long to lie beside my love,
To feel the pulse of your skin beneath mine.
Although you are loyal to no one, I cannot glimpse another way.
My heart cries out, for I am betrayed.
You love me not.
It is her you pine for.
If I could but choose, I’d set my path straight.
Hateful are the days I cannot see you.
Long are the nights we do not speak.
My body is weak.
My mind’s eye is aware of the danger.
Yet still I persist.
If you would but give me a chance,
I would be content to share my life with you.
Chapter Two
Death Throes
Sad (2003)
Too many disappointments have been reaped from a sorrow-filled life...
Too many tears I have shed, for a man who called me his wife.
Often I wonder what all this is for,
Why is this load so heavy to bear?
Why am I trying so hard?
It doesn't seem to matter anymore.
Although I have come a long way,
From the misery of before,
Still I have to wonder,
What am I here for?
Sweetheart (2003)
You are beautiful!
Nay, even beauty cannot begin to describe…
The way you make me feel inside.
You take me to new heights of wonder,
I feel renewal.
Aye, my heart is all-asunder,
And my body glows.
Lies (2003)
What are you going to do,
When things go wrong?
How are you going to deal?
When the past rises to the surface?
How will you feel?
Knowing,
You’re still imperfect?
Knowing,
You were wrong.
The stars misled you,
The throng stole into your mind,
Gesturing wildly about…
A lie,
Or Ten.
The bees are droning…
Someone summon…
Exterminate…
Before they violate…
My home again.
No!
They will not,
Disturb my sense of peace!
Cause me pain!
No!
They will not destroy my dreams…
Never,
Will you-
Get me down on my knees…
Again.
Think…
What have you done?
Consider…
Your imperfection, your fallibility, your sins.
Don’t!
Don’t you dare,
Judge me.
See You (2003)
You...
I thought it impossible,
Not being able…
To see…
You...
I broke down.
I realized,
I care.
You mean the world.
And when you called,
I danced…
Broken (2003)
Never wanted life to be this way,
Yesterday seemed to be easy.
Today it is a constant struggle.
Fear of tomorrow,
The unknown,
Unloved,
Unsaid.
How to go on when one does not feel a thing but…
Sorrow.
What is life?
But a never-ending string of…
Broken
Promises,
Deeds,
Words,
Hearts.
Do you know what I feel?
How will you when you're unwilling to try?
Must I cut open, bare my heart…
Once more?
I've already done so.
Nay, you disregarded…
The bruises on my knees were evidence of my slain soul…
This Crushing Weight (2003)
This crushing weight,
Bears down upon me.
A million tons of fate,
Never to be realized?
There’s something inside…
Which cries out in the night.
Awake, I shed tears I cannot hide.
Everywhere I go,
Everything I see,
How shall I know?
What is to be?
Come, see me, know my heart…
Your precious light,
Your scent, touch, breath,
Lives inside, like a chain on my very soul…
Chapter Three
Confusion
Place in My Heart (2004)
When I hear your voice, think of you,
I can close my eyes…
Feel you, even now.
Fond memories,
Words,
Gestures,
Jokes,
Caresses.
Comfort, yes,
Yet so much more.
You~
Someone I could run to, and still adore…
My life, my soul, my dream.
If I had a bad day,
You’d be there at the end.
Little differences that leapt into immense proportions,
Pointless now to reiterate.
What matters…
To me at least,
Is that you discern.
You continue to linger,
In my heart,
In my soul.
And I think of you,
As I lie in bed,
Wishing…Dreaming…Holding.
Don't Come Back, Stay Forever (song) (2004)
I think you should come back
Come home
Then again, maybe not
Or, yes, please do
Or maybe just come see me
I don’t know
I like the way things are
But then again, I don’t
I’m confused
So please come back
And stay
Forever
Don’t just come back
Stay forever
If you do
Stay
Forever
Understandable?
Maybe
Indecision
It rules my life
Like right now, I think or try to
Of the good
And the bad just slips away
But will it stay
That way
That’s the issue
Of the day
So please come back
And stay
Forever
Don’t just come back
Stay forever
If you do
Stay
Forever
And do you
Feel
The same
Way?
Don’t get me wrong
I’m
Waffling
Confused
This perplexity, it leads my heart
My mind
These days
So please come back
And stay
Forever
Don’t just come back
Stay forever
If you do
Stay
Forever