A Man Walks Into a Bar….
A Compendium of Filthy, Uncouth, Lewd, Lusty and Lascivious Jokes.
Written, Compiled, Borrowed and Stolen by Rob Loughran
Copyright Rob Loughran, 2011
Published on Smashwords by
BUBBA CAXTON BOOKS, a division of FOUL MOUTHED BARD PRESS
P.O. Box 2344
Windsor, California 95492
All rights reserved
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***
INTRODUCTION
What’s the difference between an engineering major, a finance major, and an English major?
An engineering major says: How can we build it?
A finance major says: What will it cost?
An English major says: Would you like fries with that?
I’ve spent the last thirty-nine years (B.A. in English, Sonoma State University, 1977) asking people Would you like fries with that?, raising a family, trying to eke out a living as a writer, waiting tables and living life. Years ago I started writing down jokes I heard, in the bars and restaurants I’ve worked, on napkins and beer mats. This book is the scum off the pond of my life as a waiter and bartender. It’s nasty, but never forget; scum is nasty, but also teeming with life and possibilities.
And remember, what Aristotle said, The gods, too, are fond of a joke.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
DEAD BABIES, ELEPHANTS, and HELEN KELLER
LEPERS, CANNIBALS, and MICHAEL JACKSON
QUADRIPLEGIA, LIGHTBULBS, and 69
A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR…
An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, “What’s new?”
The old guy says, “I think my wife died.”
“You think?”
“Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.”
***
A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch. “Troubles?” asks the bartender.
“I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says, “Champagne for everybody. On me.”
“What are you celebrating?” asks the bartender.
“I’ve just discovered why women have pubic hair.”
“Why?”
“It hides the hook.”
***
A man walks into a bar, orders 12 shots of Jim Beam and starts sucking them down. “Hey Buddy,” says the bartender, “slow down.”
“You’d drink like this if you had what I have.”
“What’s that?”
The man finishes his last shot and sprints for the door, saying, “No money.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Jim? Lend me $150, it’s an emergency.”
“Emergency my ass. You’ll spend it gambling.”
“Seriously. My wife’s sick and I need $150 for the insurance deductible.”
“Seriously; you’ll spend it gambling.”
“Fuck you, I got gambling money.”
***
Two brothers, who married twins, walk into a bar and order a pitcher of Michelob. “So what did you get Cindy for her birthday?” asks the older brother.
The younger brother says, “I got her a diamond necklace and a BMW.”
“Why two gifts?”
“If she doesn’t like the diamond necklace she’ll have a brand new car to drive to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get Wendy?”
“A pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a carrot.”
“That’s an odd combo.”
“Not really. I figure if she doesn’t like the slippers she can fuck herself.”
***
A woman walks into a bar with a toy poodle on a leash. She sits down at the bar and orders a martini. A drunk walks up to the bar and vomits all over the dog. The drunk looks down at the dog and says, “I really don’t remember eating that.”
***
A realtor walks into a bar and says, “Give me a scotch. Double.”
“Problems at work?” asks the bartender.
“If I don’t sell more houses this month I’m going to lose my ass.” He notices a young lady two stools down and says, “Sorry for the obscenity.”
“That’s okay,” she says, “if I don’t sell more ass this month I’m going to lose my house.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a Tanqueray martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab. The bartender totals it up and says, “Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after each drink?”
“I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck her.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He finishes the beer as the country-western-bar-band finishes their labored, off-key rendition of Your Cheatin’ Heart. He yells, “Hey, do you guys take requests?”
“Sure,” says the lead singer. “What do you want us to play?”
“Chess, soccer, hide-and-go-seek: anything except those fucking instruments.”
***
A sailor walks into a waterfront bar and sits next to a pirate that has a wooden leg, an eyepatch, and a hook. “How’d you lose your leg?” asks the sailor.
“Shark.”
“Your arm?”
“Swordfight.”
“Your eye?”
“A seagull shit in me eye.”
“You lost your eye to seagull shit?”
“No. It was me first day with me hook.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a Chivas on the rocks. The bartender says, “Hey, didn’t you run for Congress a couple years back?”
“Yes I did.”
“So what are you doing these days?”
“Nothing. I got elected.”
***
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. “Hey,” says the bartender, “no cephalopods allowed.”
“This is a talking octopus—”
“That’s right,” says the octopus.
“—who can also play any musical instrument.”
“Bullshit,” says the bartender.
“Bet you $1000?”
“You’re on.” The bartender takes a banjo off the wall and hands it to the octopus. Immediately Camptown Races is heard. The bartender takes a bugle off the wall and immediately Taps is heard. The bartender takes a set of bagpipes off the wall and nothing. The octopus is twining and enveloping and caressing the pipes. But no sound emerges from the instrument.
“C’mon,” says the octopus’ owner, “play it!”
“Play it? As soon as I get it out of these plaid pajamas I’m going to fuck it.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a double Hennessey. “Problems at home?” asks the bartender.
“The wife.”
“Well,” says the bartender, “all I can tell you is that marriage is a barrel that’s filled halfway with honey and the rest of the way with shit.”
The man finishes his drink and says, “I must have opened my barrel upside down.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of chardonnay. “Here’s a new joke,” he says to the bartender, “two Jews are walking down the street—”
“I’m Jewish,” says the bartender, “and I’m tired of hearing Jewish jokes. Pick on some other religion.”
“Okay. Two Buddhists are walking down the street. One says to the other, ‘So there we were, at my nephew’s bar mitzvah…’”
***
A woman walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Anything exciting happen on your blind date last night?”
“Yes. His fucking dog bit me.”
***
A Scotsman walks into a bar and drinks until he passes out. The cocktail waitress lifts his kilt and as a joke ties a blue ribbon around his schlong. An hour later he awakes and goes to the bathroom. He discovers the ribbon while standing in front of the urinal. He says, “I don’t know where you’ve been Laddie, but apparently you won first prize.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of tequila. The bartender says, “Having troubles at home buddy?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m jealous of all the time my Irish Setter spends with my wife.”
“I can’t believe you’re jealous of a dog.”
“I have my reasons.”
“Like what?”
“The other night, I caught her douching with Gravy Train.”
***
A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and starts crying. “What’s wrong?” asks the bartender.
“My father just died.”
“I’m so sorry. How did he die?”
“Peacefully. In his sleep.”
“There’s worse ways to go.”
“I know. He could’ve gone screaming; like his passengers.”
***
A drunk man walks out of a bar and hails a taxi. He clambers into the back seat and the driver says, “Where to buddy?”
“6426 Yale St.”
“You got it.”
After half-a-mile the drunk says, “Driver?”
“What?”
“You got enough room up there for a 12 pack of beer and a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese?”
“Sure I do.”
The drunk leans over the seat, opens his mouth, and goes: “BAAAARRRRRRRFFFF!”
***
Two gynecologists walk into a bar. Each of them orders a beer. The first one says, “I had a 19 year old patient this morning with a clitoris like a pickle.”
“Green like a pickle or big like a pickle?”
“Sour like a pickle.”
***
A lady walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “My husband has lost all interest in love making. Every night, I wear his favorite nightgown; high in the front and low in the back. It used to drive him crazy when he saw me in it.”
The bartender says, “Put it on backwards tonight. It’ll have a lower front and a higher back. It’ll mix things up a little bit.”
“I’ll try that,” she pays, tips and leaves.
She walks into the bar the next day and says, “It didn’t work.”
“Really?” says the bartender
“Yeah. I walked out of the bathroom and said, ‘Sweetheart, do you notice anything different tonight?’ He said, ‘I sure do. The skid marks are on the front of your nightgown.’”
***
A man walks into his local bar and orders a $165 bottle of Cabernet. “Excellent choice sir,” says the bartender.
“Just don’t tell my business partner when he comes in later that I ordered this bottle of wine.”
“Why?”
“Because I owe him $34,000.”
***
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “You’ve lost weight since you started your new job. Are you on a diet?”
“No,” he says. “I’m on commission.”
***
A man wheels himself into a bar. He has two broken legs. “Jerry,” asks the bartender, “what happened to you?”
“It was my wife’s birthday last week and she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in under six seconds.”
“You dumbshit,” says the bartender, “you bought her a motorcycle, then borrowed and crashed it.”
“Worse,” says Jerry. “I bought her a bathroom scale.”
***
A woman walks into a bar and orders a mimosa. A man sits next to her and says, “I’d love to get into those panties of yours.”
“Flattering,” she says, “but I’ve got one asshole in there already.”
***
A man walks into a bar and has three beers. His bladder is bursting so he goes to the restroom. He walks into the bathroom and sees a young man washing his hands at the sink. Two men who have followed him into the bathroom approach the young man and pull down his pants. One of them starts sucking his cock and the other one starts fucking him in the ass. The man exits and describes to the bartender exactly what he saw. The bartender laughs and says, “That George! He’s lucky at cards too.”
***
A young punk rocker walks into a bar. His spiked hair is dyed orange, green, and blue. He settles onto a stool and says, “Jaegermeister.”
The bartender doesn’t pour the drink. He just continues to stare at the customer. The punk rocker finally says, “What’s wrong asshole? Didn’t you flaunt tradition when you were my age?”
“I sure did. As a matter of fact one night in Mexico I got stoned on mushrooms and fucked a parrot. I just thought you might be my kid.”
***
A man walks into a bar orders an MGD and sits next to an old friend. The friend says, “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in here in months.”
“I’ve been working and going to night school.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be ignorant no more. Do you know when World War II started?”
“No.”
“September 1st, 1939. Do you know who Eli Whitney was?”
“No.”
“He invented the cotton gin. Do you know who Yuri Gagarin is?”
“No.”
“He was the first man in space. See, you don’t know nothing. You’re ignorant.”
“But I do know who Johnny ‘Boom Boom’ Parker is.”
“Who’s he?”
“He’s the big-dick-motherfucker spending a lot of time with your wife while you’re at night school.”
***
A young man brings his fiancée into a bar to meet his parents. After drinks and jokes and laughter the parents leave. “I hope I made a good impression,” she says.
“When you went to the bathroom, actually, mother said you were a bit uncouth.”
“Uncouth?” says the fiancée. “Where in the fucking hell does she get kind of horseshit?”
***
A blonde stewardess walks into a bar and says, “A triple Grey Goose in a water glass. No ice.”
The bartender pours the drink and says, “Are you okay? You’re shaking.”
“I just flew in from Portland. We had engine failure and went into a 30 second freefall before the pilot got the engine restarted.”
Trying to make points the bartender says, “Did your entire sex life pass before your eyes?”
“Hell no,” she said, “we only fell 15,000 feet.”
***
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a glass of wine?”
Descartes said, “I think not.” And then he disappeared.
***
Two women on the prowl walk into a bar. They spot a handsome but glum looking guy sitting alone. One of them walks up to him and says, “You don’t look happy.”
“I just got out of jail,” he says, “and I’m having trouble adjusting to life on the outside.”
“Why were you in jail?”
“I beat my wife to death with a nine iron, dismembered her with a chainsaw, and fed her to the neighbor’s Great Dane.”
The woman signaled for her friend to come over, “He’s single!”
***
Richard Simmons walks into biker bar with a parrot on a shoulder. All the muscular, tattooed bikers are slamming back shots of whiskey, when Richard announces, “Whoever can guess the weight of this parrot can take me upstairs and fuck me in the ass all night long.”
A biker at the end of the bar yells out, “Two-and-a-half tons!”
“Close enough,” says Richard. “We have a winner.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “How was your date with the Gunther twins.”
He sipped his beer, “Okay.”
“Did you have a good time?”
“Yes and no.”
***
The local palm reader walks into a bar and orders a glass of champagne. The bartender serves it and asks, “How’s business?”
“Medium.”
***
An old man walks into a bar for his afternoon drink. “How’s life treating you, Mr. Miller?” asks the bartender.
“Pretty good. Me and my wife are having Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?”
“Yeah, you know, we get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
***
“What did you do in Italy?” asks the bartender.
“You know the old saying, When in Rome do what the Romans do?”
“Yeah.”
“I fucked an American tourist.”
***
A man walks into a bar with his beautiful wife during happy hour. As they sip their beers, a progression of men strolls up and grabs the wife’s ass. They feel her tits and stick their hands up her skirt. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, don’t you see what everybody’s doing to your wife?”
“Of course I do. But if I leave her home they just go over my place and fuck her.”
***
A businessman walks into a bar and joins his client who says, “You’re late.”
“I know. I was walking over here and I saw three punks gang-raping my ex-wife.”
“Jesus, did you stop to help?”
“No. I figured three of them could handle it.”
***
A redneck walks into the local saloon and orders a shot and a beer. “So what have you been up to, Bobby,” asks the bartender.
“Hanging out at the whorehouse.”
“Getting’ your rocks off?”
“Nope. Just visiting Ma and Sis.”
***
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey John, how was your 25th wedding anniversary?”
“Great. I took my wife to Disney World.”
“What are you going to do on your 30th?”
“Well, I suppose I could go pick her up.”
***
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “What a beautiful bunch of women you have in here. That’s a solid six over there.”
The bartender said, “She’s a one. Tops”
“Yeah, but check out that chica. She’s at least an eight.”
“Maybe a three.”
“Are you crazy? If Bo Derek is a ten the one over there is at least an eight.”
“Bo Derek? I rate them by how many Clydesdales it would take to drag them off my face.”
***
A couple vacationing in Australia rents a Land Rover and takes a tour of the outback. They see three men fucking kangaroos and a man with a wooden leg masturbating. They return to the hotel bar and tell the bartender. “Nothing odd about that,” he says, “how do you expect a man with a wooden leg to catch himself a roo?”
***
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “You just had oral sex with your wife didn’t you?”
“Does my breath smell?”
“No.”
“Pubic hair on my chin?”
“No.”
“Then how do you know?”
“There’s shit on your nose.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, “I am going to miss you Charlie. I’m going to New York to continue my French horn lessons.”
“How do you have the money to move to New York, let alone pay for French horn lessons?”
“All my neighbors chipped in.”
***
Four golfing buddies walk into a bar, and order a round of Johnny Walker Black. They start bragging about their sons. The first one says, “Bill started out as a janitor in a real estate office, became an agent then a broker, and now he runs the place. He makes a high six-figure income and just gave one of his friends a house on a hill with an Olympic size swimming pool.”
“My son Jack,” says the second, “started out washing cars in the Mercedes dealership, but now he owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends a brand-new Mercedes convertible.”
“My son Randy,” says the third, “started out as a runner on the stock exchange and saved until he could purchase his own seat on the exchange and is now worth several million. In fact, he just gave one of his friends $200,000.”
“To be honest with you, my son Bruce,” says the fourth, “is rather a disappointment to me. He’s a homosexual hair dresser, and he sleeps around like a whore. But on the plus side he must be pretty good at sucking cocks because his three new boyfriends gave him a Mercedes convertible, a house on a hill with an Olympic swimming pool, and $200,000.”
***
Eighty year old Hal walks into a bar and orders a bourbon. “Where’s Hank?” asks the bartender.
“Sad story, that,” says Hal. “We’ve roomed together for decades, but I finally had to kick him out.”
“Why?” asks the bartender.
Hal says, “The inconsiderate brute routinely smoked my cigars and drank my bourbon, but when he sat there and laughed at me with my own teeth it was the last straw.”
***
Three politicians walk into a bar and have several drinks. Then the subject of sex comes up. The Republican says, “I like my wife on the bottom. That’s the way God intended it to be.”
“I like my wife on top,” says the Independent. “In sex as well as in politics, I like to mix it up a little.”
“I like my wife,” says the Democrat, “to be out of town.”
***
A chicken farmer walks into a bar and sits down next to a gorgeous young lady. He orders champagne. She’s drinking champagne. He leans over and asks, “What are you celebrating?”
“I’ve been trying to get pregnant for years, and I just came from the doctor’s. I’m pregnant.”
“That’s funny. We had these infertile chickens, and they finally started laying eggs and I’m in here celebrating.”
“What do you attribute the change to?”
“I got a new cock.”
“Funny. So did I.”
***
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get for you?”
The bear says, “I’ll have a gin and………..….......tonic.”
The bartender pours the drink and says, “What’s with the pause?”
The bear says, “I was………………born with them.”
***
After drinks at a singles bar the couple went home and got naked. He stuck his cock in and she started laughing. “What’s so funny?”
She said, “It’s just that your organ is so small.”
“It’s big enough,” he said. “It just wasn’t meant to be played in a fucking cathedral.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a Budweiser. Immediately, every patron in the place, notices the stench of shit. The bartender walks up to the newcomer and says, “Hey buddy, I know this is a free country but you smell like shit and I have to ask you to leave.”
“I’m sorry, but I smell because of my job.”
“Do you work for the Sanitation Department?”
“No, I work for the circus. My job is to give all the elephants an enema before they enter the ring so that they don’t shit in front of the crowd. It’s a tricky business. You have to administer the enema then jump back out of the way before a tidal wave of shit comes pulsing out of the elephant’s ass and drenches you.”
“That sounds tough. How much do they pay?”
“Thirty-five dollars a week.”
“Jesus, why don’t you tell them to take their pittance and shove it up their ass.”
“What! And give up show business?”
***
Colonel McBride walks into a bar in London and orders a Beefeaters on the rocks. “Please, Colonel McBride,” says the bartender, “regale us with one of your stories of adventure from overseas. India perhaps?”
“We were trekking through the jungles of Bangladesh,” says the Colonel, “when all of a sudden a Bengal Tiger appeared in our path. And he let out the mightiest roar I’ve ever heard. No movie soundtrack could do it justice: it sounded like ROOOAAARRRRRR! And, Jesus Christ, I shit myself.”
“Who wouldn’t have,” says the bartender.
“No,” said Colonel McBride. “Just right then. When I said ROOAAARR! I shit myself.”
***
The hostess answers the phone and says to the bar manager, “The umpire who worked the Giant-Dodger game tonight wants to make dinner reservations for himself and two friends.”
“Hang up on him.”
“But...”
“Hang up on him. Now.”
The hostess does and she says, “That was rude.”
“No it wasn’t. That was a crank call; there’s no such thing as a professional baseball umpire with two friends.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Double shot of tequila. In fact, make it two double shots of tequila.”
“Problems buddy?”
“Yeah. I have to divorce my wife.”
“What for?”
“Yesterday was our anniversary. I took her to the Hyatt Regency and ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon.”
“So?”
“I poured us each a glass and made a toast: To the finest piece of ass in the city.”
“Perhaps a tad crude, but I see nothing wrong with that. Why are you going to divorce your wife?”
“Because three waiters, a busgirl, and the maître d’ joined in on the on the toast.”
***
A redneck walks into the city slicker bar and orders a jar of strawberry wine. The bartender pours it and says, “What do you do for a living Jethro, hunt possums?”
“No. I’m a professional pilot.”
“Really? Who do you fly for?”
“I don’t fly. My brother cuts the wood and I pile it.”
***
A city slicker walks into a Texas bar in the frontier days. He doesn’t even order a drink. He walks up to a lady sitting at the end of the bar and says, “I will give you ten bucks to suck my dick.”
The bartender immediately pulls out a pistol and unceremoniously shoots the city slicker dead. The lady says, “Thank you, sir, for defending my honor.”
“Fuck your honor lady. Ain’t no city slicker gonna raise the price of cock sucking in Texas.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot-and-a-beer before he realizes that he’s in a gay bar. What the hell, he thinks, people are people and I really want a drink. The bartender serves his drink and asks him, “What’s the name of your penis?”
“Hey buddy, I just came in here for a drink. Just be decent.”
“Come on, just play along. It’s something we do for fun. The name of my penis is Nike. Named for their logo, JUST DO IT. The guy next to you calls his Snickers because: IT REALLY SATISFIES. The guy at the end of the bar calls his Timex, because IT TAKES A LICKIN’ AND KEEPS ON TICKIN’.”
“May I please,” says the man, “just have another shot and beer?”
“You have to tell me the name of your pee-pee first,” says the bartender.
“Okay,” says the man, “I call mine Secret.”
“Why Secret?”
“BECAUSE IT’S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says, “Two double scotches with beer backs.”
“Tough day?”
“Tough day? I woke up, called my wife Minnie, put on a pair of white gloves and walked to work singing. Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go. At the office I called my secretary Cinderella and my boss Grumpy. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”
“Easy,” says the bartender. “You’re having Disney spells.”
***
A man walks into a bar and joins into a conversation with two guys who are debating who has the most frigid wife. Dave says, “My wife comes to bed with an ice pack for her sore neck. She puts it on, and in the morning the ice is still frozen.”
The next guy sips his beer and says, “Last week my wife brought a hot water bottle to bed and put it between her legs. In the morning, it was ice water.”
The newcomer slams back a shot of Jim Beam and says, “When my wife spreads her legs—fully clothed—the furnace kicks on.”
***
A man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat and a fake beard. “Going to a costume party?” asks the bartender.
“Yes, we’re supposed to be disguised as our sex life.”
“But you look like Abraham Lincoln?”
“That’s because my four scores were seven years ago.”
***
Two women walk into a bar, order martinis and begin speaking about their psychotherapists. “Mine drives me nuts, she answers every question with a question. I’m just throwing good money after bad.”
The other lady sips her martini and says, “I’ve been paying mine $385 a session for six and years and he hadn’t said one word until today.”
“Really? What did he say today?”
“No hablo Ingles.”
***
A young lady walks into a bar and has a glass of wine. Then another; then another. She and the young bartender are bonding and when the conversation turns serious. He asks her, “What do you want out of life?”
She deliberates a moment, then says, “All I want is four animals.”
“Four animals?”
“Yes: a mink on my back, a Jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed, and a complete jackass to pay for it all.”
***
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a stunning blonde. “Before I spend a fortune wining and dining you tonight, I’d like to know how you stand on oral sex?”
“I don’t stand. I kneel.”
“Bartender?” he says. “Your best champagne.”
***
A man in the Bahamas walks into a bar and propositions a hooker, “How much?”
“Thirty dollars.”
“You’re on, let’s go to the beach.”
They walk out to the deserted strand and she climbs on top. They fuck like potbellied pigs and right before he comes she blasts a tremendous fart. He shoots his load, gives her a pat on the ass and hands her $50. She says, “I said it was $30.”
“The extra $20 is for blowing the sand off my balls.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot-and-a-beer. “What’s happening?” asks the bartender.
“I just got fined for shoplifting again.”
“Why do you keep shoplifting?”
“I need the money to pay the fucking fines.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, a round for the house on me.”
“What are you celebrating?”
“My wife just ran off with my best friend.”
“What’s his name?” asks the bartender.”
“Don’t know. I haven’t met the poor bastard.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He slurps his drink, minding his own business when the man to his left punches him in the kidney and says, “Karate from Korea.”
He orders another beer and the man on his right puts him in a stranglehold, wrestles him to the floor and says, “Jujitsu from Japan.”
The man rises, dusts himself off and leaves. He returns a half-hour later with a vintage .50 caliber derringer. He shoots karate-man then jujitsu-man and says, “Derringer. From my grandfather’s gun collection.”
***
A man walks into a bar by himself but orders a bottle of champagne and two glasses. He walks down to the end of the bar where a beautiful brunette, legs crossed, sits saucily upon a bar stool. He pours two glasses of champagne touches the rim of his glass to hers and says, “If I got you drunk and we fucked would you call for help?”
“Depends,” she asks, “do you need help?”
***
A man walks into a bar and slams three photographs down on the bar. He says to the bartender, “What do you see in this picture?”
“That’s me and your wife dancing.”
“What do you see in this picture?”
“That’s me in your wife making out in the back seat of my car.”
“What do you see in this picture?”
“That’s your wife sucking my dick at the beach.”
“So what do you have to say for yourself?”
The bartender pauses, then says, “I’ll take an 8-by-11 glossy of the last one and wallet sizes of the first two.”
***
A man walks into a whorehouse bar and says, “I need to get laid and I like it kinky.”
“That would be Doris. Right down the hall.”
He barges down the hall and bursts into the room. Expecting a leather clad dominatrix he is surprised by a demure, fully-clothed young woman knitting. “I’m looking for Doris.”
“I’m Doris.”
“Kinky Doris?”
“Yep.”
“Let’s get started. Take off your clothes.”
“Nope. We do it one way. My way.” Doris pops out her glass eyeball and says, “Right here.”
“In your eyesocket?”
“Yep.”
“What the hell.” So he puts his pecker into her ocular socket and she blinks-and-winks him to the best orgasm of his life.
He pays, tips and says, “Next time I’m in town, I’ll look you up.”
Doris says, “I’ll keep an eye out for you.”
***
Six Irishman walk out of a bar and pile into a van. “Patrick,” says the owner of the van, “you’re driving.”
“Why me?”
“Because you’re too fucking drunk to sing.”
A drunk walks into a bar and there’s a lady at the other end of the bar, waving her right arm above her head trying to get the bartender’s attention. She has incredibly hairy armpits. The drunk says, “I wanna buy that ballerina a drink.”
“How do you know,” asks the bartender, “that she’s a ballerina?”
“Who else could get her right leg up that high?”
***
A man walks into a bar, orders a double Dewars and says, “I’ve got problems.”
“What’s that?” asks the barkeep.
“My wife hasn’t been feeling well so she went to the doctor. He ran some tests and the best he can come up with is that her condition is either AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
“Here’s what you do,” says the barkeep. “Drive her out to the beach for a picnic. Halfway through lunch say you have to go to the bathroom. Get in your car and drive home. If she finds her way back home, don’t fuck her.”
***
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders seven martinis, each with two olives. He removes the olives, places them in a jar, then drinks down the martinis and orders seven more.
He removes the olives, again placing them in the jar, then drinks down the martinis and orders seven more.
“What the hell,” says the bartender, “is going on here?”
“Nothing odd,” says the Irishman. “My wife sent me out for a jar of the olives.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says to the beautiful female bartender, “Do you want to fuck?”
She hits him over the head with a bottle of Jack Daniels. He pulls himself to his feet, wipes away the blood and says, “So I suppose a blow job would be out of the question?”
***
A 300 pound lady walks into a bar with a poodle on a leash. The bartender says, “Where’d you get that pig?”
She says, “You cretin it’s not a pig, it’s a poodle.”
“I was talking to the poodle.”
A redneck walks into a bar and orders two shots of white lightning. The bartender says, “Drowning your sorrows again Barnie?”
“Exactly. My girlfriend’s father said that if I added five plus one correctly I could marry his daughter. Well, I don’t go for any of that married shit, so I said that one plus five is 15.”
“Good thinking, that was a close call.”
“The fucker said it was close enough.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says, “Beer for everybody on me!”
The bartender says, “What are you celebrating?”
“I just got even with my dentist.”
“How so?”
“He cleaned all five of my kids’ teeth, finished a root canal on my wife, and fitted me for a bridge.”
“How is that getting even with your dentist?”
“I said, ‘You know Doc, this may hurt a little bit but I don’t have any money.’”
***
A glum looking man walks into a bar, orders Jack Daniels and tells the bartender to leave the bottle. “Something wrong, my friend?” asks the bartender.
“Yeah. I don’t have any friends. I’ve never had any friends. I’ve no one to talk to. My life consists of my job, television, and alcohol.”
“Come on. You must have a friend at work, or an old friend from college or childhood?”
“I just told you I don’t have any friends. If you don’t believe me, you can shove your head up your ass, fuckface!”
***
A woman walks into a bar and orders a Crème de Menthe. She says to the bartender, “I’m in a bit of a pickle here. May I bend your ear?”
“Sure,” he says. “Shoot.”
“I have two boyfriends. One is an animal in bed. And on the floor or in the backseat of the car. He satisfies my every sexual desire and fantasy.”
“Wow,” says the bartender. “That’s something.”
“But the other one is sophisticated, intelligent, smart, giving, and considerate.”
“Well,” says the bartender, “sex is sex, but if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, what’s wrong with the second guy?”
“He’s gay.”
***
A Texan walks into a bar and says, “Drinks on me. I just had a baby boy! And they grow them boys big in Texas, 22 pounds.” He buys a round and leaves.
A week later he returns and the bartender asks, “How big is your baby boy now?”
The Texan proudly says, “Ten pounds!”
“But he was 22 pounds last week?”
“I know, we had him circumcised.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a Manhattan on the rocks. And I need to ask you a question.”
The bartender pours the drink and says, “What do you need to know?”
“Are there any good girls in this town?”
“All the girls in this town are good.”
“Then,” he asks, “how far is it to the next town?”
***
Jimmy, a regular customer, walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender notices that Jimmy has a big swollen knot in the middle of his forehead. The bartender says, “What the hell happened to you?”
“I was fucking my wife doggy style in the backyard when she ran under the porch.”
***
George walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “G-g-g-give me a B-b-b-budweiser. No g-g-glass.”
The bartender opens the beer, serves it and says, “Little bit of a problem with a stutter there?”
“N-n-n-no f-f-f-fucking shit.”
“I used to stutter,” says the bartender, “but I found a surefire cure.”
“Wh-wh-what? I’ll d-d-do anything.”
“Simple. I just had my wife suck my cock for three hours.”
“R-r-really?”
“N-n-no. I’m just fucking with y-y-you.”
The stutterer finishes his beer and leaves. The next day he returns and says, “G-g-g-give me a B-b-b-budweiser. No g-g-glass.”
“So you didn’t try my cure?”
“Actually, I d-d-did, but it didn’t w-w-work. And by the way, you h-h-have a l-l-lovely apartment.”
***
A redneck walks into the local watering hole and orders a shot-and-a-beer. “How’s the new wife?” asks the bartender.
“There’s a little bit of newlywed friction.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I have a problem with my new wife ordering around my teenaged sons from my first marriage.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s 12.”
***
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”
***
A fat woman walks into a bar and announces, “I will do anything for anybody for $200.”
The bartender hands her $200 and says, “Paint my house.”
***
An old guy shits his bed and rather than clean the sheets he throws them out a window. They land on a passed-out-drunk who awakes and thrashes about wildly. The drunk then runs into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, “What the fuck happened to you?”
“I just got into a fight with a ghost and kicked the shit out of him.”
***
An armless man walks into a bar and orders a Cerveza Pacifico. “Would you mind,” he asks the bartender, “lifting it up for me?” The bartender does and the armless man drains it and says, “Another, please.”
The bartender pours it and holds it up. The man drains it and says, “Where’s your bathroom?”
The bartender says, “You go down the—we don’t have one.”
***
Two women have closed down the local bar and are walking home when they have to pee. So they hopped the cemetery wall for some privacy. They had no toilet paper so they bent over a wreath of flowers and wiped. The next morning one husband called the other, “The girls were up to no good last night. Mine came home with rose petals stuck to her ass.”
“Consider yourself lucky. Mine came home with a We Will Never Forget You card wedged up her cunt.”
***
A man walks into a bar and sees a St. Bernard at the poker table playing Texas Hold ‘Em. “That’s incredible,” he says to the bartender. “A dog playing poker.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender. “He’s got a great poker face, but his tail always gives him away.”
***
Two men walk out of the bar at closing time. “I hate getting home after two o’clock in the morning. I have to sneak in the front door, close it softly, take my shoes off, tread upstairs and try to slip into bed; but my wife always wakes up and gives me holy hell.”
“You’re going at it all wrong. Open the front door then slam it shut, stomp up the stairs, rip off your pants and say, ‘Honey we’re gonna fuck all night long.’”
“But that would wake her up for sure.”
“Yeah, but she’ll pretend to be asleep.”
***
A border policeman walks into a bar in El Paso and says to the bartender, “Hey, I know you. Everyday for the past six months you’ve driven to Juarez and back in different cars with five sacks of dirt in your trunk. What are you smuggling in the dirt?”
“I’m not smuggling anything in the dirt. I’m smuggling cars.”
***
A shrunken and frail man walks into a bar. “How you doing?” asks the bartender.
“Fucking great, I don’t have a care in the world.”
“Wow, how do you manage that?”
“I screw as often as I can and I eat, drink, and smoke whatever the fuck I want.”
“That’s incredible. How old are you?”
“Twenty-four.”
***
A man walks into a bar, orders a scotch and bursts into tears. The bartender says, “What’s wrong, Buddy?”
“My 102 year old uncle just died.”
“This drink’s on me,” says the bartender. “But you can’t take it so hard. A 102 years, man that’s a good run.”
“Even though he was up in years his death comes as a complete surprise.”
“How did he die?”
“His parachute didn’t open.”
***
Two Irishmen walk into a bar and begin arguing about whose wife is uglier. “I live,” says one, “right around the corner, let us go settle this once and forever.”
They reel drunkenly to his house and enter the kitchen. The Irishman stomps on a trap door and yells, “Bridget, get your ugly arse up here.”
“Shall I be wearing the canvas sack over me head?”
“No. I’ll not be fucking you tonight; I’m just trying to win a bet.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says, “I need a job.”
“We already have a bartender,” says the bartender.
“I’m a bouncer. Watch.” He spots a drunk lolling off to sleep at a corner table, grabs him and throws him through the door.
“Good, good,” says the bartender, “but you’ll have to ask the boss about the job.”
“Where is he?”
“He’ll be coming back through that door any minute now.”
***
A man walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with the friendly bartender. They discuss sports, current events, and of course the conversation touches upon sex. “What,” asks the man, “is your favorite sexual position?”
“I like the rodeo position.”
“Rodeo? I’ve never heard of the rodeo position.”
“You get your wife on all fours and start fucking her from behind. When she starts to come you lean forward and whisper in her ear, This is your sister’s favorite position. And then you try to hang on for eight seconds.”
***
Two lesbians walk into a dyke bar and order shots and beers. At the other end of the bar an attractive young lady waves at them and blows them a couple of kisses. One lesbian says to the other, “I would like to go yodeling in her gully.”
“No you wouldn’t,” interrupted the bartender. “She’s hung like a donut.”
***
A drunk walks into a bar and screams, “Happy New Year!”
The bartender says, “Buddy, it’s February second; Groundhog Day.”
“Shit,” he says, “my wife’s gonna fucking kill me.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Do you like fat women, with bad hair and varicose veins?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why are you fucking my wife?”
***
A drunk walks out of a bar and gets in his car. He grabs his cell phone and calls the cops: “My car has been stripped. They took the radio, CD player, steering wheel, glove compartment, gear shift—never mind. I’m in the backseat.”
***
A woman walks into a bar and orders a margarita. She takes the drink to a corner booth. A man leans over and says to the bartender, “That bitch made a fortune from a story that she made up.”
“Really,” says the bartender, “who’d she sell it to?”
“The entire jury.”
A man walks into a bar, orders a bourbon and says to the bartender, “Ever had anal sex with your wife?”
“Of course,” says the bartender. “In fact, we do it almost every night.”
“So she really digs it?”
“No, she hates it.”
“She just does it because you enjoy it?”
“I hate it too.”
“You hate it? Why do you do it almost every night?”
“Well,” says the bartender, “the kids get such a kick out of watching.”
***
A professor from Stanford and a professor from Cal walk into a bar. They discuss philosophy, economics, theology and the world situation. After a couple rounds of drinks they accompany each other to the bathroom. After finishing at the urinal, the Stanford professor washes his hands, but the Cal professor doesn’t. “At Stanford,” says the Stanford man, “we teach people to wash our hands after we urinate.”
“At Cal,” says the other professor, “we teach people not to piss on their hands.”
***
This chick walks into a male biker bar. She strides up to the leader and says, “I want to join your gang.”
“Can you ride?”
“I got my hog outside.”
“Can you drink?”
She knocks back five shots of tequila.
“Okay,” the leader says, “have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
“No,” she says, “but I been swung around by the tits a couple of times.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a Heineken. “Anything else?” asks the bartender. “Yeah,” he says, “I want to buy that douche bag sitting at the end of the bar a drink.”
“At this bar,” says the bartender, “we treat women with respect.”
“I’m the customer and the customer is always right. I want to buy that douche bag a drink.”
The bartender walks down to the lady and says, “That gentleman at the end of the bar wants to buy you a drink. What will you have?”
“Oh,” she says, “just a vinegar and water.”
***
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Do you have any grapes?”
“Hell no,” says the bartender, “this is a bar. Not a fruit stand.”
The next day the same duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, “Do you have any grapes?”
“I told you yesterday this is a bar, not a goddam fruit stand. If you come in tomorrow and ask for grapes I’m going to nail your little webbed feet to this hardwood floor.”
The next day the same duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, “Do you have any nails?”
“No. I don’t have any nails.”
“Then I’ll take some grapes.”
***
A dyke walks into a crowded bar one night, slaps down $100 and says, “I bet you my dildo can do anything a man can do.”
The bartender picks up the $100 and says, “Gentleman, your next round is on this dildo.”
***
Two men at a bar are talking about a patron who has just left. “That mother sure is lucky at cards, but he can’t pick horses worth a shit.”
The other says, “That’s because they won’t let him shuffle the horses.”
***
A man walks into a bar. The bartender pours him a drink and says, “How was your week in Vegas?”
“It sucked. I left my glasses at home.”
“So you had trouble seeing the shows at the tittie bars?”
“No, I spent the first three days playing a stamp machine.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says, “Fuck.”
“What’s the problem?” asks the bartender as he pours him a beer.
“I was just in a card game and I went all in with a straight flush.”
“What did you win?”
“Nothing. I lost.”
“What beats a straight flush?”
“A pair of twos and a .45 caliber automatic.”
***
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman. “I’ve never done this before,” he says, “but may I buy you a drink?”
“Certainly,” she says.
He orders two margaritas and says, “I’ve never done this before, but what’s your name?”
“My name is Carmen.”
A certain spark and friendly conversation ensues, then she says, “I told you a little fib. My name isn’t Carmen, it’s Clara.”
“Carmen is such a pretty name, why’d you choose it?”
“I’ve always wanted to be called Carmen because I think that our names should reflect our passions. And I am passionate about fast cars and men. Carmen. What’s your name?”
He sips his drink and says, “Beerfuck.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a double Wild Turkey. “Troubles at home?” asks the bartender.
“I married a twin and last night I fucked her sister by mistake. I have to get a divorce.”
“C’mon, there has to be some difference between them.”
“There is. That’s why I’m getting a divorce.”
***
A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, “My second wife just died and I swear on all I consider sacred that I will never marry again.”
“How’d your first wife die?”
“She ate some poison mushrooms.”
“Wow. How’d your second wife die?”
“A gunshot wound to the face.”
“How’d that happen?”
“She wouldn’t finish her fucking mushrooms.”
***
Colonel McBride enters the bar of his proper English club, and a former subordinate comes by and says, “Colonel, I heard you buried your wife.”
“Thank you for the condolences.”
Another former subordinate approaches and says, “Colonel, I heard you buried your wife.”
“Thank you for the condolences.”
Yet another former subordinate approaches and says, “Colonel, I heard you buried your wife.”
“Had too,” says the Colonel. “Dead, you know. “
***
A dominatrix walks into a bar and says, “I can whip any man in the house.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says to the female bartender, “What would you say to a little ass?”
“I’d say, ‘What do you want to drink?’”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot-and-a-beer. He says to the bartender, “I think my wife’s contemplating an affair. She’s just listless in bed.”
“You can’t let that happen,” says the barkeep. “Go home right now. Rip her clothes off and put it to her. Show her that you are the man!”
He’s back 43 minutes later.
“How’d it go?” asks the barkeep.
“She was still indifferent about the sex, but her bridge club sure enjoyed the show.”
***
A lady walks into a bar wearing a low cut blouse. She sits, orders a lemon drop, and pulls out a cigarette. She places the butt between her pouting lips, leans forward and says to the bartender, “Match?”
He checks her left tit; then her right tit and says, “Perfectly.”
***
A club sandwich walks into a bar, “Give me a Bushmills.”
“Sorry,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.”
***
A man walks into a bar with a small cat, a pistol, and a sack of horseshit. He orders a double whiskey; slams it. He pulls out his pistol, shoots the sack, then chases the cat around the bar.
“What the fuck,” asks the bartender, “are you doing?”
“I just thought I’d stop by, have a drink, shoot the shit, and chase a little pussy.”
***
A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes.” The rope leaves and returns an hour later. He’s now tied in several places and unraveled on top. The bartender repeats, “We don’t serve ropes.”
The rope says, “I’m a frayed knot.”
***
Two fashion designers from New York City walk into a bar and they both order a double; then another double. The bartender says, “Tough day?” and they simultaneously say, “Yes.”
The first continues, “My wife caught me in my office screwing my number one model. Her brother’s a lawyer and half my business; my house; the kids—are all gone.”
“I know what you mean,” says the second designer. “My day was even worse. I got busted with my top model in my office.”
“How,” says the first, “can that be worse?”
“I manufacture men’s wear.”
***
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I only see you with hot chicks. What’s your secret?”
“I have a surefire icebreaker. I walk up to a girl and say, ‘Tickle your ass with a feather?’ And she says, ‘What?’ And I say, ‘Particularly nice weather?’ Then we start talking about the outdoors which leads to talk about the-birds-and-the-bees and I just let nature take its course.”
“That’s a great idea. I’ll try it on the next broad who walks in here.” A beautiful young lady enters and he approaches her and says, “You wanna fuck?”
“I beg your pardon!”
“Looks like rain.”
***
A man walks into a bar that featured the World’s Greatest Bartender. If you could squeeze a drop of juice out of a lemon that he’d used you’d win $100. So the man takes up the challenge and this Popeye-forearmed bartender gets a half-pint of juice from one lemon. The challenger takes the lemon rind, squeezes out a shot glass full and collects $100. “Jesus,” says the bartender, “you must be a great bartender.”
“No,” he says, “I’m an IRS agent.”
***
A Gypsy fortune teller walks into a bar and orders a hot brandy. “Am I going to die soon?” asks a man on the adjacent stool.
“No,” she says, “that’s the last thing that you’ll do.”
***
A man from Boston walks into a bar in San Francisco, orders a Johnny Walker Black on the rocks and asks the bartender, “Is there any place in Frisco where I can get scrod?”
“I have heard,” says the bartender, “that question asked a million times but that’s the first time I’ve heard it phrased in the super pluperfect subjunctive.”
***
A stunning woman walks into a bar and orders a Chivas. The man next to her says, “Would you like to spend the weekend with me?”
She says, “Your unabashed and cavalier attitude toward the otherwise serious and sacred aspects of sexual congress precludes any positive response to your tasteless query.”
He says, “I don’t get it.”
She says, “Precisely.”
***
A man walks into a biker bar naked, with a set of handlebars attached to his dick. “What the hell,” says the bartender “are you doing?”
“I don’t know, but these things are driving me nuts.”
***
A man walks into a bar with a big shiner. “What happened to you?” asks the bartender.
“My neighbors are all pissed because my dog knows how to fetch the evening paper.”
“Why would that make them mad?”
“I don’t subscribe to the evening paper.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a double John Jameson. Without being asked he says to the bartender, “The Vietnam War ruined my fucking life.”
“Where’d you serve?” asks the bartender.
“I didn’t.”
“Then how could it have ruined your life?”
“My wife’s first husband was killed there.”
***
A man who is dating the bartender’s daughter walks into the bar and says, “Your daughter loves me. She says she can’t live without me. She wants to marry me.”
“Are you asking for permission to marry my daughter?”
“No, I’m asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone.”
***
A man walks into a bar and orders a Michelob. He drains the beer and orders another one, “Goddam I got to get in shape.”
“You look pretty fit to me,” says the bartender.
“Compared to my brother I’m a wreck. He runs seven miles a day, does yoga four times a week, doesn’t eat dairy or red meat, doesn’t drink coffee or booze and never sunbathes.”
“Someday, your brother will feel like a complete fucking fool.”
“How’s that?”
“How would you feel at the end of your life, lying in bed, dying of nothing?”
***
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ve just gotten engaged!”
“Congratulations,” says the bartender.
“To whom?”
“To Allison. She’s a waitress at the steakhouse downtown.”
A man on the adjacent bar stool says, “Allison? Blonde waitress, with curly black pussy hair and a tattoo of a rooster on her ass?”
“Yes. That’s the one.”
“I’ve fucked her about 500 times. I’ve gotten her drunk, brought her to parties and passed her around to my friends. She’s pulled more trains than a locomotive. One night after the steakhouse closed I heard the bartender got her drunk and shoved an empty wine bottle up her cunt.”
“That’s her!” He turns to the bartender and says, “A drink for my friend over here. He knows my fiancée.”
***
A man walks into a crowded bar and says, “A drink on me for everybody. And pour one for yourself, barkeep.”
The bartender pours a round of doubles for everyone, has a shot of Bushmills and says, “Thanks. That will be $467.”
“I don’t have any money or credit cards,” says the man.
The bartender leaps over the bar and tosses him out into the street. A minute later the man returns and says, “A drink on me for everybody. Except you, barkeep; you’re a real asshole when you drink.”
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $500 dollars I can lick my left eyeball.”
“You’re on.”
The man removes his left eyeball, a glass one, and licks it.
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