Dead Inside at 25
By
Alex Sargeant
Preface
Reader, what you are about to read is a random collection of incredibly short stories, strange thoughts I was forced to write down (my hands and brain are plotting against me) and an essay or two. I wrote this book because it’s the book I have been wanting to see in the free section of the Kindle store. It’s short, fun and doesn’t involve any paranormal teens.
You’re reading a free book on the Kindle, so I am going to assume we share more in common than either of us are comfortable with. That’s okay, people don’t always have to be different. Or do they? What a fundemental question. Must people be different? Oh no, did I lose you? No! Sorry, there’s no philosophy in here! I’m sorry! Come back! I swear, I’ll be good! Oh, you’re back, thank you for coming back. You’re very pretty. You know authors can access any of of their Kindle books and look at the person reading it? Yeah, it’s like a two way mirror thing. Weird huh? Anyway, you’re very pretty and I really am sorry for talking about philosophy. Thank you for coming back, it means a lot.
While I have you here, I have a question. What is love? I mean what is it really? Is it simply certain neurons firing at at the right time and in the same pattern? Or is there something deeper? Shit! I did it again! I’m sorry! I know I promised no philosophy but you came back and I figured if you came back once you would come back twice. Don’t leave, I’m a very desperate man. I need attention constantly. If you leave, I’ll die. I’ll just die! Don’t leave! Please! Don’t leave me! If you leave I’ll have to think and as an insecure adult male, you don’t want to leave me alone!
If you actually read the preface, I’m sorry. I know a lot of people don’t read the preface so I figured I would just write whatever to make it look like I really tried to write a good preface.
Please, enjoy the book. If you enjoy one story in it, then I have done my job. Thank you again for downloading this book. I know it’s free and you have a lot of other romance novels you could have chose from. I really do appreciate you choosing this book. It means a lot. Also, you really are pretty when you do your hair like that.
Thanks,
Alex Sargeant
Foursquare @ Starbucks
CRAIG
STARVERSON JUST CHECKED IN- @ STARBUCKS (STUDIO CITY, CA)
Just
checked into Starbucks via Foursquare. No one I know has checked in
so I must be the only one here. I'll wait to see if anyone else
checks in before I get a coffee.
TEN MINUTES LATER
No
one's checked in. This doesn't make any sense. I checked in like an
hour ago. This is such bullshit! I just put it into my Facebook feed.
There's no way someone hasn't seen it and thought, "Fuck, Craig
just checked into Starbucks via Foursquare. I better go meet him
there so he has someone to talk to.
FACEBOOK STATUS:
"Just chillin' at Starbucks. Fuckin' crazy. I love it. Probably
going to chill here for another thirty minutes."
That
should do it. Won't get a coffee yet. Someone should show up. What
band is playing? I really like this.
"Excuse me,
what band is playing right now?"
"Jack
Johnson."
"Yeah, but what's the name of the
band?"
"That is the name of the band."
"But
you didn't even check the satellite radio or anything."
"That's
because I know who sings this song."
"Oh. Are all
their songs like this? I could throw back a couple of brewskies on
the beach listening to this. Really mellow stuff."
"Are
you going to buy anything?"
"Waiting for a
friend."
TEN MORE MINUTES LATER
FACEBOOK
STATUS: "Just bought the new Jack Johnson album. Pretty fucking
awesome. If anyone wants it, I'll be at the Starbucks. I'll just give
it to you. Totally free. Don't even mind. Probably be here for an
hour."
TEN MORE MINUTES ON TOP OF THAT SECOND TEN
MORE MINUTES. THAT'S THIRTY MINUTES.
Hey, Karen's here!
Awesome, we haven't talked since high school. God, I forgot about
those freckles. I could just nibble each one of her freckles off.
FUCK! I want to fuck her. Shit, why didn't I realize this when I
added her on Facebook like a month ago? She knows I'm here, I fucking
Foursquared this shit. This was meant to happen.
"Hey
Karen!"
"Oh, hey... k-"
"Craig. How
are you? Fuck, I haven't fucking seen you in fucking forever."
"I
was backpacking through Europe for the past two years."
"Yeah,
yeah. I saw those pics on Facebook. Crazy huh? You didn't fuck any
Europeans did you? I know it's none of my business, but it's just
that European men have more penis diseases than American men. They're
much dirtier."
"Hi. Yeah, just a grande coffee. No
room for cream."
"Yeah, I'll have the same. I got
this Karen."
"You sure?"
"Yeah,
my pleasure. God, your hair..." Creepy
sigh.
"Sir,
I'm sorry, but do you have another form of payment you could
use?"
"My card's fine. Run it again. The strip
sometimes gets fucked up."
"I already ran it
twice, sir."
"Well fucking run it again
please."
"So Karen, you ever listen to Jack
Johnson?"
"Not since my freshman year of college,
no."
"It's still saying declined."
“Try wrapping a bag around it, it’s probably the magnetic strip.”
“It’s
not the stip sir.”
"Hey Karen, is there any way you could
get this?"
"Seriously?"
"I'll
get you next time. Promise."
"Please
don't."
THREE MINUTES LATER
KAREN AUGURA HAS
BEEN REMOVED FROM YOUR FRIENDS LIST
FACEBOOK STATUS: "Just
saw Karen Augura in Starbucks and she mentioned something about
getting herpes from a European dude.”
CRAIG STARVERSON
JUST CHECKED IN - @ BEN & JERRY'S (STUDIO CITY, CA)
FOUND: Doomsday Laser Machine
I
already tried Craigslist and no one responded so I figure
I'll give it a go on here.
Yesterday I was out walking and I
came across a Doomsday Laser Machine in the middle of the street. I
actually walked past it thinking that someone else would probably
help it out of the street, but about four blocks later, I realized no
one else was going to help it. I couldn't just leave it there.
I
went back and sure enough, there it was, still in the middle of the
street just waiting to get hit by a car. I ran back to my apartment,
found the dolly and came back to find a woman trying to move it. The
two of us finally got it onto the dolly and I rolled it to the
sidewalk. She said she knew someone who had a Doomsday Machine and
that it might be theirs. She pointed me to the castle at the end of
the street and went on her way.
I knocked on the doors for
about ten minutes until a frighteningly pale wizard answered. He
didn't even have to answer me. I saw his Doomsday Machine behind his
outstretched leg that was keeping it from bolting out the door. He
said he'd never seen it before.
I just don't understand. I
mean, there's no tags or chips anywhere on the thing but it knows how
to destroy the world so I know someone loved it enough to program it
to do that.
Anyway, I didn't really want to bring it home
because I wasn't sure if the cat and it would get along. Turns out
it's good with cats, too! I just can't stand the thought of someone
missing a Doomsday Device. What if they had kids? I mean, the kids
are the ones that are going to miss it the most. I can't imagine
explaining to a child why their Doomsday Machine isn't around
anymore. Heartbreaking.
I hope the owner sees this. I still
have it and it's safe. If you have any information about the owner or
you yourself are the owner, please, please email me before I get too
attached to it.
The Moon Journals
Day
327 - The Moon - Capt. Robert Johnson - USA
FUCKING RUSSIANS!
I swear to God! No, maybe I shouldn't swear to God, because these
Commie bastards don't believe in religion! I wish those Vodka
guzzlers believed in something that had the ability to smite them! I
would pray to whatever beast that was every single night until it
happened! I would!
I just don't get it! Why does this have to
be an international moon base? Why? I can't answer that. I also can't
answer why the fucking Russians have to eat all my peanut butter!
It's got my fucking name on it! R-O-B-E-R-T. You can't miss
it! It takes months before the supply ships get that in! They said
they didn't do it, but I know it was them!
Discovered single
celled organisms on the dark side of the moon today. Blah! More work!
:(
I know they said no sex, but I've been up here almost a
year now, and if you count the time I was on Earth it's been like six
since I've launched my space junk in a woman!
I'm not usually
into Turkish chicks, but Vanu is looking pretty nice compared to
anything else up here. Makes sense though, can't be smart AND hot...
unless your parents used cheat codes (Gawd Hakzors). I mean, she's
okay. She's a California 3 but a Moon 10. I bet the Russians wouldn't
take my peanut butter if I was banging her.
Speaking of sex,
one of my ex-girlfriends from high school (the one that got away)
just Twittered that she's getting married. I don't want to sound emo
or anything but right now it feels like the only man-made structures
you can see from the moon are the Great Wall of China and the love I
left behind for her. Whatever, I'll probably end up fucking Vanu and
then I can Facebook about it and she'll be all like, "Robert's
too good for me. Look at him, fucking hot Turkish scientists on the
Moon while I'm doing an investment banker from Liverpool! I
suck!"
Oh, totally almost forgot! This morning I was in
the greenhouse and the Russians were in there and I was all like look
at this and then turned around with a giant cucumber hanging out of
my space suit. They're assholes, but they still thought it was
fucking hilarious! Do I care about their feelings? Niet. Do I care
about their laughs? Da.
- Capt. Robert Johnson.
If James Joyce Wrote a Blog
If James Joyce wrote a blog, there would be a lot of asterisks.*
*Here
the blog's author's bias is being shown. What he is doing, is making
assumptions based off of false pretenses and a poor introduction to a
great writer. The author is an asshole. ** With a better teacher or a
better head on his shoulders, the author might not have ever written
this paper.
**
Here the footnote's author is stating an opinion. It is a fact that
the author of the paper is a jerk, but there is no conclusive
evidence to show that he is, or ever was an asshole. There is,
however, proof that the footnote's author is a shithead. ***
***
It's true, the second footnote's author and I were at a party last
week and the footnote's author was there and we saw**** him making
out with a girl that was clearly not his wife. Totally a
shithead.
****
Though the second footnote's author and the third footnote's author
were both at said party, neither of them were at a close enough
vantage point to be able to say with any certainty that the girl in
question***** was not the footnote's wife.
***** Hi, second
footnote's author here. Just wanted to say that I am pretty sure it
was her. Also, the fourth footnote's author only said that because
the footnote's author has pictures of him kissing another
man.******
****** Who told you about that?*******
*******
Your wife******** did!
******** You bastard,********* I'll
have your head!**********
********* A bastard is an
illegitimate child.
********** The only head you'll have is
your boyfriends... in your mouth!
Guys!
Enough!*
*Shit,
it's the author, everyone scram!
An Open Letter to Mandy Moore
The
following is a letter I wrote to Mandy Moore's Myspace celebrity
page. I have a good feeling she'll write back.
First
off, I don't care what anybody says, Mandy Moore... you nailed it! It
was perfect. No one could have done what you, Mandy Moore, did with
that role. Every single word was thought out, accented, and delivered
without flaw. You were a surgeon using a word scalpel. Girl Bear Cub
could not have been played by anyone but you. Dr.
Dolittle 2
would have been nothing if not for your golden voice. You were born
to play Girl Bear Cub.
The other day my friend Rob was all
like, "I thought Mandy Moore was just okay in How
To Deal."
You know what I did, Mandy Moore? I horse punched him in the face! In
case you don't know what horse punching is, Mandy Moore, it's
punching someone as hard as you would punch a horse if a horse were
to pose a direct threat to your life. I underestimated the force it
would take to bring down a horse, Mandy Moore, and ended up falling
down, and making Rob's face really red. The point is, Mandy Moore, I
stood up for you! And once Rob's face got less red, I yelled, "That's
how to deal, mother fucker!" I told him that, I did!
I
heard you've been feeling sad, Mandy Moore, so I decided to write
some jokes to cheer you up. I hope you like them. (It's taken me
months to write them. If only I were as funny as those tour guides on
The Jungle Cruise at Disneyland).
Hey Mandy Moore, what's so
bad about a dead lawyer? Lawyers can't die! They're like vampires!
Hahahaha.
Hey Mandy Moore, the other day I saw on TV that
Craig T. Nelson had a new sitcom. Hahahaha.
Hey Mandy Moore,
how does the Whale Mafia put out a hit? By saying, "krill him!"
Hahahahaha.
Hey Mandy Moore, what do you call it when a "Bro"
has reached perfection? BROmeostasis! Hahahaha.
Hey Mandy
Moore, did you hear the one about Helen Keller? Neither did she!
Hahahaha. (I stole that one because it was SO funny.)
Well, I
hope you write back Mandy Moore,
-Alex "A Run to
Remember" Sargeant
UPDATE: Doomsday Laser Machine
The
owner has claimed theDoomsday Laser Machine. Turns out the owner went
on vacation to some volcano hideaway or moon base (I wasn't really
listening), left it with the neighbors and it got out.
I'm
just glad it's back with its evil owner. I know the owner's evil
because he didn't even offer me a reward. Dick.
But He’s a Vampire!
"Hey
Aleksi, where's everyone going with all those pitchforks and
torches?"
"You know the man who lives in the castle on
the hill?"
"Oh, you mean Count Mesinov. Yeah, nice
guy."
"Well he's a vampire!"
"So."
"And
he's taken Lord Veimire's daughter! For all we know, she may already
be dead. Blood sucked from her body!"
"So what?"
"What
do you mean so what?"
"I mean so what. What has Lord
Veimire ever done for us? We're simple townsfolk, farmers really. Yet
because his daddy was a lord, appointed by a king we've never seen,
he's allowed to rule over us like some chubby demigod? And unjustly,
I might add. We don't even make enough to pay the taxes he's imposed
on us."
"But his daughter. She is not her father and she
is still a person."
"That she is. She's the person who
burned down your bakery and broke up the Pasmonov's marriage by
tempting Mr. Pasmonov. Count Mesinov, on the other hand, sells those
honey sticks our children so enjoy at the Sunday market."
"He's
not human! He's a beast, and must be stopped!"
"Stopped
how? By murder? Am I talking to Aleksi, or am I talking to a crazed
murder? When your brother raped all those children, did you assemble
a group such as this one to go to his house and murder him in cold
blood?"
"Well no, we-"
"We had a trial. A
fair trial, in which your brother was found innocent on account of
him being a man. A great man at that."
"I guess you have
a point."
"Of course I do. We may be poor, but we know
better than to judge someone just because their family has evolved at
a pace which our simple minds cannot possibly comprehend. Now let's
turn this angry mob around and storm Lord Veimire's place!"
And
that, kids, is the true meaning of Bastille Day.
I am a Man
I’m
a man! I do man things! Example: last night, I had a dream I killed a
lion... with the body of the first lion I killed with my bare hands!
That’s how manly I am! Even in my dreams I’m manly! Update:
That wasn’t a dream, it was real!
I had to replace my
fire alarm with a ninja alarm because I had way more ninjas trying to
kill me than fires! The only weakness ninjas and fire have in common
is me!
Yesterday I walked by some kids playing baseball when
their baseball rolled to my feet and they asked me to throw it back.
I did, except it hit that kid in the back of the head and killed him
because it circled the Earth before exploding his brain. Mother
fucking man! Speaking of mother fucking: When I went to the boy’s
house to apologize for exploding their son’s head, his mother
refused my apology. I then fucked her into space. Literal space. I
watched myself fuck her in Hubble’s giant mirror... because I’m a
man!
I cut off my own hands (both of them) just so that I
could have interchangeable hands. One hard pair for beating
up gang bangers and large animals and one soft pair for
fingering ladies in exotic landscapes. I’m a man!
Two weeks
ago someone put a landmine in my alligator chili and
I didn’t even notice until I pooped out a piece of
claymore.
After naked women, my picture is the most sought
after picture in the United States military. I am Manspiration!
A Phone Message
Dude,
bro, pick up the phone, I have a fucking sweet movie idea! I know
everyone else is always all like, "I've got a sweet movie
idea dawg" but compared to the movie idea I have, their
movie ideas are just a bunch of gay bullshit! This movie idea is
so good I almost don't want to say it, bro! You'd probably have your
mind blown just by how fucking good it is, you would be all like,
"Bro, that's a cool idea." One, two three... BAM! Your
fucking head just exploded! The only way they would know it was you
would be because of your sideways hat and the way in which your
thumbs were positioned in the up position.
Fuck it! I'm just
going to say it. I am not responsible for any deaths caused by how
fucking rad the movie idea is. Alright, check it out, these people
are on vacation with a bunch of people and someone's killing
them but they don't know who but in the end it's going to be one of
them! How fucking crazy is that! Eat a thousand dicks M. Night
Shaman!
Anyway bro, going to Hollywood, I'll be back in an
hour or so after I blow Hollywood's mind and then we can go see
Dave... Matthews!
SPANISH POEM
El
amor es simple
Como el sistema vascular humano
El amor es
verdadero
Como un unicornio
El amor es duro
Como la parte
superior de los niños dirigen
El amor está libre
Como el
nuevo Macbook en esos anuncios de la bandera
El amor es
diversión
Como las tres películas pasadas de Star Wars
El
amor es odio
¿Qué? ¿Huh? ¿Acabo de hacer eso? ¡Acabo de hacer
saltar su mente con cómo está loco que era!
In case your
simple brain cannot understand the beautiful language that is
Spanish, I have translated it for you below. In case your brain can
understand the beautiful language that is Spanish, it's probably best
you read my translation because I just copy and pasted it into an
online English to Spanish translator so it won't make a whole lot of
sense.
Love is simple
Like the human vascular system
Love
is real
Like a unicorn
Love is hard
Like the top part of an
infant’s head
Love is free
Like the "Free Macbook"
in those banner ads
Love is fun
Like the last three Star Wars
movies
Love is hate
What? Huh? Did I just do that? I just blew
up your mind with how crazy that was!