Car Dealer Hell
Charles G. Irion
Published by Irion Books at Smashwords
Copyright © 2009 by Charles G Irion C.I. Trust.
First Edition 2009
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
ISBN 978 982598634 Ebook Version
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Book Design by Jason Crye
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Dedication
This memo from the Underworld, disguised as a book, is dedicated
to those who have gone before me, those who are now with me,
and those who will inevitably follow my footsteps into
the netherworld known as Car Dealer Hell.
Introduction
You’ve met this guy—in your nightmares! He’s the mouthy car dealership sales minion. His great-grandfather was a sneaky horse trader, so it runs in the family.
Chapter One: My Story: Charles And Chriselle
It’s one thing for the old man to be taken advantage of in the course of a few deals, but the devil be damned if I’ll let my sweet, lovely, trusting daughter be lied to and financially ravaged by these beasts. A father must teach his children well!
Chapter Two: Horse Tradin’: A Short History
When you read these true tales of old-time horse traders, you realize that the writer of Ecclesiastes was right: There is nothing new under the sun. Every underhanded, switch-and-bait trick used by car dealerships was first perfected by horse traders, who eventually went to hell, where they taught aspiring car dealers. Learn it all here so you don’t repeat the mistakes of your Great-Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Chapter Three: The Rise Of Car Dealerships
Did you ever wonder what happened to professional horse traders? They bought plaid sports jackets, opened car dealerships and hired other “hoss swappers” as their salespeople. There wasn’t much to sell at first, but a man who could turn a tidy profit on a blind horse could certainly peddle a used car with a little hail damage. Car dealerships grew from the talents of bold American entrepreneurs, showmen, ad writers with liquid language and a few outright geniuses.
Chapter Four: Car Dealership Horror Stories
Until recently, people thought they could only experience eternity in two places: heaven and hell. Turns out there’s a third location—car dealerships! In this chapter, normal nice people like you tell their true tales of eternal woe with dealerships. They’ve learned their lessons; now they want to spare you the agony of eternal torment.
Chapter Five: Dealer Gimmicks, Scams, And ‘Come-On’ Promotions
Unless you’ve never bought a car at a dealership, you wouldn’t believe the dark lies and swampy scams employed by these demons—The Bump and Grind, the Ten Surprises of Fine Print, Fiendishly-Clever Psychological Manipulations, and then the famous Must Have Been a Misprint in that Ad Come-on. That’s just for openers! Learn how you can counter these nefarious deceptions so you can keep some light in your life.
Chapter Six: My New Best Friend – My Lawyer the Shark: A Legal Perspective
You’ve heard all the lawyer jokes, but lawyers themselves think the funniest punch line is when they can take an unethical car dealership to court, where he loses his pants – or rather, his suit – and is exposed for the slimy creature he really is. Now that’s funny!
Chapter Seven: Salvation! Strategies to Stay Out of Car Dealer Hell
Finally, some good news! You are in charge of your own eternal car dealership destiny. Armed with the information and strategies in this chapter, you will be so powerful that you’ll never need to spend time in car dealer hell, or even purgatory. Don’t be a wimp; be a champion warrior. Slice through the darkness and let the sunshine in! These invaluable buying strategies are down loadable separately from the book for $3.95—on line only at www.CarDealerHellTheBook.com
Introduction
It’s time to shop for a new car, so you stop by a dealership. An overweight guy sporting checkered pants and slicked-back hair is on you like a cheap suit before you can slam your car door.
“Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!” he says. “I’m Elmer, and I’ve got news—no, great news for you! You’re about to get the deal of the century! But first let me tell you a little bit about my favorite subject: myself!”
You’re listening in amazement and thinking, “Hey! This guy has teeth only a dentist could love.”
“I was born in a cabin I built with my own two hands! I won a Nobel Prize for literature. I own a prize-winning snail farm. I have climbed Mt. Everest 10 — no, 12 times! I have single-handedly reupholstered 15 different cars in one day. I sold Elvis his pink Cadillac…”
The sun reflects off the medallion on his gold necklace, momentarily blinding you. You blink. When you open your eyes again, the Elmer of today has morphed into another Elmer—a smooth-talking horse trader from 150 years ago.
“Now, to be honest,” this Elmer says, “this here roan mare, I want to keep her. But the missus gave me marching orders this morning to come back with some cash money so she could buy a new dress. Fact is, friend, you’d be doin’ me a favor if you didn’t buy this horse, ‘cause then I’d be able to look Abigail in the eye and tell her I tried. Course, that wouldn’t work either because she knows how much this beauty is worth and would throw a pan at me fer lyin’. If you don’t mind me saying so, friend, my roan would sure be a big improvement over that ole’ sway-back nag you got there.”
You rub your eyes, but he’s not finished.
“Course, I’d need a fair amount to boot. Sixty dollars should do it.”
You close your eyes again and shake your head, then wish you hadn’t, because the modern Elmer has returned…
“…I’m a wanted outlaw in Bolivia. I once swam the English Channel in one hour. I wrestled a bear for 12 hours before he gave up. I broke Forrest Gump’s table tennis record. I am an expert on plywood! I sang opera in the Met. My good looks have made women swoon in public and worse in private! I once flew a 747 and landed safely, even though I had never flown before. I have won the lottery 9 times. I can cook a 3-minute egg in 30 seconds.
“Anyway, you get the idea — I am amazing! Plus, I’m honest!”
Before you get away from the dealership—hopefully, without buying a car—you realize that Elmer has about as much honesty as Mussolini, and an attitude that only a dictator could appreciate. You also understand that Elmer is a reincarnation of a slick-talking horse trader from the 1850s.
Car salespeople will recoil in horror at this caricature. But there’s enough truth here to chill the gizzard of anyone who has shopped for cars long enough to recognize the pattern. Many people even put off buying or trading cars because they just don’t want to go through the hassle of talking to Elmer. If you recognize any part of Elmer-the-car-salesperson or Elmer-the-horse-trader, you’re ready to read this book.
Car Dealer Hell will fascinate you with emotions, facts and stories that will bring your own memories of buying cars rushing back to consciousness, right where you don’t want them. You hid details of those terrifying events in a deep chasm of your brain for the same reason you hid memories of breaking your leg or falling off a diving board or losing your job. Thinking about it just makes you mad again.
I apologize in advance for any ill effects this book may provoke, but my inspiration to write it was overwhelming, driven by the experiences I shared with my sweet 16-year-old daughter.
Chriselle and I just wanted to buy her a car—but it wasn’t that simple. (This didn’t surprise me, but it sure did her.) In Chapter 1, you’ll read our true stories and the unfathomable things dealers did to us. We survived intact, but we both grew thicker skin.
The history of car dealership deceit began long before the automobile was invented. In Chapter 2, you’ll chuckle at how horse traders used some of the same tricks and tactics that today’s horseless carriage dealers use. Well, actually, they used all of today’s tricks, plus a few more!
Chapter 3 follows the rise of American car dealerships. Even Harry Truman thought about opening one before they got so downright nasty and competitive!
Here they are! Chapter 4 announces the winners of the “Most Hellish Car Dealer Story” contest from our Internet competition. Read the story of our $500 grand prize winner, as well as a compilation of other horror stories. All are real and frightening and revealing.
Chapter 5 exposes the scams, gimmicks and deceitful practices used by dealers every day. This information is revealed to you in a way you’ll be able to understand so you’ll be able to protect yourself when the time comes. This chapter alone can save you thousands of dollars.
In Chapter 6, an attorney with experience in auto fraud cases details four examples of outrageous dealership behavior that landed three of them in front of a judge. These cases are real and shocking. Even the lawyer was amazed, and he was one of the victims!
Finally, in Chapter 7 you’ll find salvation, with useful checklists, summaries and resources that will help you navigate through car dealership mine fields and stay out (or get out) of their unique hell. This information will help you avoid car dealership traps while getting the best deal for your new or used car.
Time’s a-wasting! Go ahead and read this book now before Elmer claims you as his next victim!
Chaper 1
My Story: Charles and Chriselle
Time was, even the thought of buying a new car caused my anxiety level to rise dramatically. Breathing became labored, my palms sweat, and my heart rate skyrocketed. I felt like President Kennedy must have felt when he first learned about missiles based in Cuba. But I had to go to battle with car dealers because I wanted to experience the smell of a fine, fresh car, the thrill of more horsepower, the lovely sight of a chromed-up, shiny stallion sitting in my driveway drawing envious looks from my neighbors. Besides, by the time I got up the courage to shop for a new car, my old one was starting to cost too much in repairs.
In my experience, negotiating with car dealers is much like conducting a war—only on a personal level. Car lots are war zones where acts of sabotage and deception take place every day in order to accomplish the mission: take money from the wallets of unsuspecting customers. Only the veteran car shopper is able to maneuver his way from the car lot to the showroom and drive away with the car of his dreams without being destroyed by car dealers’ tactics, obstacles and land mines.
But things weren’t always this way. I grew up in a simpler time, before dealer games were the standard operating procedure. Sure, they had their techniques, but car dealers didn’t have the “take no prisoners” attitude you’ll see today.
It’s almost incomprehensible to think that I bought my first new car in 1968 for $1,800. This might not sound like much money by today’s standards, but back then, it was considerable. I worked several jobs to pay cash for my new treasure. I was a senior in high school, and that shiny new convertible made me the big guy on campus.
If we fast-forward through college and several jobs where I was given company cars, we arrive in the 1980s, and a rude awakening to the fact that something had changed. To my surprise, simplicity had been hijacked. A more sinister way of doing business had evolved—something out in the open, something suspiciously hellish. It was a kind of hell that demanded that buyers learn negotiating skills, patience, and Superman-like vision. You needed a strategy before you entered this flaming battleground.
I realized that I had a whole new learning curve ahead of me. I needed to bring myself up to speed with all the dealer tactics and deceptions so I wouldn’t be considered a soft target. As with swimming, you either learned quickly, or you drowned. This pool seemed to have no bottom, and it was filled with sharks—grenades with fins.
The lessons I learned, I learned the hard way—and the expensive way. Naively, I believed the ads that dealers placed in the newspaper. I believed the salesman when he warned me that this was my only option and that this was the lowest price I could get.
But as my experience grew though the purchase of several cars and SUVs, I discovered the vast arsenal of cunning tactics car salespeople use to fool, baffle and manipulate. I was shocked and angered to uncover the number of weapons they deployed to get me to spend more of my money than necessary. At first I didn’t know how to deal with them, but boy did I learn! In fact, I’ve learned a lot, but every time I purchase a new car, I still find new and more sophisticated land mines and an enemy ready to catch me off guard.
My last, but not least, car dealer hell story was in 2007. It began with the temptation to upgrade my ride. I fantasized about owning the latest and the greatest wheels, the kind the Joneses only dreamt about. I was seduced by sexy ads from clever ad agencies employed by the manufacturer’s Ministry of Propaganda. I tried to resist, but those ads were everywhere, tempting me like the smell of fresh meat tempts a tiger. TV commercials showed shiny cars and sexy models; full-color ads in magazines promised me power, sex and prestige; radio promotions told me to get it now for the lowest price, and newspapers made offers no reasonable man could refuse. I decided I wanted a black SUV and I needed one with all its saucy bells and whistles. Yeah! That’s it! Go for it, Tiger!
I was feeling smart and savvy the day I walked into the dealership. I knew what I wanted and how much I wanted to pay. I thought I’d seen it all, but was not prepared for what was about to happen.
Let me fast forward here. I got my dream car. In fact, I got three of them! This wasn’t my plan, but let me tell you how the car dealer from hell staged this engagement. His name wasn’t Patton, but it should have been.
Car Number One was the perfect SUV. The dealer had agreed to my trade-in price and prepared all the paperwork. I signed on the dotted after much scrutiny of the small print, issued a check for the difference, and was assured that when I came back the next morning my new treasure would be ready and waiting for me like an eager puppy. A very large and expensive puppy. On the drive home that day, I was feeling pretty good about the whole process. From start to finish, it only took three visits and five phone calls over a two-week period—a total of eight hours. Wasn’t I a smart tiger?
Morning came and I felt exhilarated. I could almost smell the new leather and see all that shiny chrome. I raced out my door and to the dealership where my new black SUV was ready! As I ceremoniously handed the keys and title of my old SUV to the dealer, I opened the door to my new treasure.
What? Something was wrong. For starters, the interior was the wrong color. Looking from the front to the back, I began to itemize the things it didn’t have that I had paid for. There were no tinted windows, but there was definitely something shady going on.
Needless to say, I was a little discombobulated. And wouldn’t you know it, the salesman who had sold me the car was golfing that day. The sales manager apologized profusely and said that had never happened before. Never? Whom did he think he was talking to? After an hour of searching his and several other dealers’ inventories, he found the exact SUV I wanted and promised me that it would be delivered to the dealership the very next day…if only I would do just one small thing. Right.
He asked me to go back into the finance/title office again and redo all the paperwork with the new SUV’s VIN number. I agreed with some reluctance because I knew I was entering the room of “dealer paperwork hell” to purchase Car Number Two. This “small thing” became another six-hour marathon. Little did I know that I’d be back the next day to do it all again.
The next day finally came after a sleepless night; but again, I was hopeful. For the second day in a row, I was filled with anticipation, a nice feeling while it lasted. In just an hour, my sexy dream would be all mine, mine, mine.
This time I arrived a little early expecting to see my car. At first I didn’t see it anywhere. I told myself that they were most likely shining it up for me, like preparing a bride for her wedding (sure!). I waited and waited. The salesman came in and when he saw me, looked surprised, then guarded. The battle sirens went off in my head. Beneath the clamor, a little voice said, “This is not good.”
No, it wasn’t. He blurted out the bad news. He confessed that the car I wanted, the car that I’d bought yesterday, the one that was available yesterday, was not available today and would not be available any day in this decade.
How could it be? I’d paid for my car twice! At this point, totally exasperated, I demanded my money back, but they wanted to talk. I waited for signs of intelligence, and when nothing came I realized their strategy was to bait and switch me for the same vehicle at a higher price. This was war, but I was a battle-scarred veteran and none of their tactics worked. I skirmished with the salesman, mounted an aggressive offensive against the sales manager, and had an outright firefight with the general manager. I let all of them know I was aware of their tricks and finally, the sales manager said, “Are you calling me a liar?”
At this point I wanted to tell him that I’d had it with their whole corrupt system. I wanted to say that I’d trust a rattlesnake more than I’d trust him; I wanted to let him know that his honor was MIA, and to call him stupid would insult stupid people. I wanted to inform him that this was the lowest form of salesmanship, and even a caveman… well, you get the point. I was furious. So I scooped up my dignity and said, “No sir, you’re a damn liar!” and then exited the building.
It took me several weeks to calm down. Every time I saw my vehicle in an ad, I felt the pain of my loss. But one day, I faced the fact that I still wanted that same SUV. I found another local dealer who happened to have my SUV Number Three. This third vehicle was exactly what I wanted. I negotiated a price almost, but not quite as good as, the first two. The biggest difference was, I took that SUV home that day. So in the end, I got what I wanted.
This was not my first or last vehicle purchase, but I’m not looking forward to facing those gates of car dealer hell again soon.
This chapter is not only the story of about my hellish experience, but also that of my daughter, Chriselle—a teenager buying her first car.
Looking back, it would have been easier to purchase a car for Chriselle and give it to her for her birthday. She’s a sweet girl with a gentle personality, and very trusting of people. But as her Dad, my bittersweet challenge is to prepare her for life in the real world. That’s what dads are for. So, I decided that the best gift I could give her was to expose her to this hellish process and be there as she experienced all-out war for the first time. Because of all my trials, but especially because of my daughter, I knew this book had to be written!
helpful tip
If you want to help your daughter by buying her a new car, remember:
Safety is first, but don’t expect her to be happy with an ugly car. And don’t expect that you know what “ugly” means to her generation.
Bring her along to the lot so she can experience the process for herself.
Try to pull off the toughest trick for a father: allowing her to make decisions but not really bad decisions, especially if you have to pay for them.
Don’t use one of those preachy sermons to share information with her or tell her what to do. (Honestly, how well has that worked so far?) Instead, give her short bits of information and then let her ask questions so you can fill in the details. This is called a “conversation!”
Enjoy her while you can, even her naiveté. She’ll be grown and gone in the wink of an eye.
We embarked on her first car-buying campaign. The air was filled with electricity and the minefield lay before us as we approached the front door of the first car dealership. What happened next is straight from the babe’s mouth, and it shows an all-too-familiar progression: anticipation, confusion, frustration, anger, and finally—wisdom.
This is Chriselle’s story as told to me, her dad. It is not unique, and has been lived by legions of people around the world.
Yes, Dad, I think this story needs to be told, totally. I’m 16 years old and I wanted a car so I could drive to work and drive to school without my parents driving me around. And yeah, I wanted freedom to be myself and freedom to go where I wanted to go.
I had never bought a car before. I once watched you close a deal, but that was your thing. I hadn’t personally gone through all the negotiations and seen the process from A to Z so I didn’t know what it was going to be like. At first I thought it was going to be pretty easy. I never thought you could bargain on the price of a car—like it wasn’t a set price. You warned me and it turned out to be true!
Dad: My daughter’s innocence and vulnerability made her a soft target. I’m glad I was here to help her through the process. By the way, we’re all considered soft targets to car dealers.
I really never thought about the people who sold cars. They were there to sell you the car, not to give you a hard time. I thought it would be like going to buy shoes. You tell the store person which shoes you want, they bring them, you try them on and decide yes or no. That’s it. I thought the dealers would be that way. They’d just like guide you through the process, take your money and then I’d leave with a car.
Dad: She’s just beginning to realize what this is all about. She understands why I made a big deal about her getting involved in buying the car. This buying-a-car thing is a quest for victory, not a walk in the park.
One dealership had an ad in the paper saying you could get two free tickets to an event or a $50.00 gift certificate by taking a test ride. We took the test drive and went to the counter to get our $50.00 gift certificate. When we showed the salesman the newspaper ad, he acknowledged it but said, “You’ll never get it.” Hey, we took the test drive, but now they wouldn’t give us what it says in the paper? I couldn’t believe they would lie to us like that.
Dad: She’d just witnessed one of the techniques dealerships use to get people on their lots. But my little girl is persistent, so we kept asking for what we wanted and were promised in writing.
Then he took us up to the sales manager at the big table, elevated high up where he could watch everyone like a hawk or a king on a throne. There were other people in that area, too. Then the sales manager told us it wasn’t in the paper. Oh! My! God! The paper clearly had today’s date on it. The salesman agreed that it was in today’s paper, but then the sales manager said it was a misprint.
There was a group of 6 to 8 guys there and one of them chirped up, “Well, if you read the fine print at the bottom of the newspaper, it says it is subject to errors and omissions. That was an error and it wasn’t supposed to be in today’s paper. Hahahaha!”
Dad: I had told her about the area where they take people to make deals with the sales manager. Soon she would see that this was a war game they played but also one where they failed to tell her the rules. That’s what I wanted her to learn now!
It was ridiculous. The attitude we got was that if we didn’t buy a car, we wouldn’t get the $50.00 certificate! I felt so frustrated I wanted to scream. I felt they were being rude to us and they didn’t treat us the way they should have treated us, being salesmen. I felt like they did not know what they were doing; that they shouldn’t be doing what they were doing, because they did a horrible job. The customer left unsatisfied. It was horrible. I did not like it.”