The Answers Book
By Dr. Pat Allen
Compiled and edited by Barbara Schroeder
Copyright 2010 The Answers Productions, LLC
Copyright Dr. Pat
Allen WANT (R) Institute
Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Other books by Dr. Pat Allen:
“Getting to I Do”
“Staying Married and Loving It”
“The Truth About Men Will Set You Free… but first it’ll p*ss you off!”
For more information on Dr. Pat Allen, visit www.drpatallen.com.
To order your copy of “The Answers” DVD, as well as other Dr. Pat Allen books and products, visit Amazon.com, drpatallen.com, or purchase the items at any Dr. Allen event.
Compiled and Edited by Barbara Schroeder
e-Formatted by Maureen
Cutajar
Copyright 2010 The Answers Productions, LLC
Copyright
Dr. Pat Allen WANT (R) Institute
Dedicated to all who endeavour to live and love better.
Introduction
The setting: A balmy evening in northern California.
The crowd of thousands is waiting anxiously, the excitement clearly building. Finally, the moment arrives and Dr. Pat Allen takes center stage. Oblivious to the thunderous applause, she trains a steady gaze upon the audience, commanding their undivided attention.
“Is anyone in pain?” she asks, “Anyone have problems?”
“Yes,” murmurs the crowd, eager for a prescription.
“Well” she continues, “I don’t care. That’s right, I don’t care about your feelings of pain.”
The shift in mood is palpable; the quizzical look on one man’s face speaks volumes. What did she just say? “I said, I don’t care about your feelings of pain.”
She stands firm in the moment, then at the last minute, delivers the stroke, “What I care about is getting you out of pain. Listen carefully to what I say: Pain is an indicator of change needed or change in progress. Pain is not a reason to not grow up.”
Dr. Allen moves closer to the audience, “Your feelings are authentic, and I appreciate them. But unless they render you absolutely helpless, I want you to walk through them. Don’t avoid them, don’t get drunk, use drugs or act out. Plow through the feelings. Practice stoicism. He or she who pushes the arrow through gets to move on.”
The crowd gets it. This is what they came here for, clear truths, no psychobabble.
“I’m not here to find out why you did or didn’t do it, consider what you’ve done a bad habit. I’m here to help you get out of that habit. But I will not be seduced by your pain to enable you to continue playing your games.”
“And remember this,” Dr. Allen continues, “I refuse to judge you, or judge what you did that brought you to this point. I’m not a moralist. I’m a therapist. I care about moving you forward. So let’s begin the process. Here is your mantra:
The way out of any negative feeling is a positive decision followed by action as soon as possible. That is your mantra, from me to you. When you have any discomfort, any pain, think of that phrase…”
The audience is riveted, ready to experience for themselves why “The Secret” phenomenon’s Bob Proctor calls Dr. Allen, “The best expert in personal communications I’ve ever come across.”
Licensed as a marriage and family therapist with a specialty in addictions, Dr. Allen has been assisting people find ways to live and love better for over 30 years.
This collection of questions, answers and personal stories is also featured on the DVD called, “The Answers from Dr. Pat Allen.” The contents of both this book and the DVD were assembled from hundreds of Dr. Allen’s seminars, private sessions and her signature Monday night improv stage therapy shows in Los Angeles. Her devoted fans have been asking for a written treasure trove of her best advice, and here it is.
If you’re new to Dr. Allen’s work, welcome! Now it’s your turn to experience the wit and wisdom of an iconic therapist who’s been called “the dad you never had, and a mother like no other.”
Let the questioning begin!
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1: WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK?
You react instead of thinking first
You are the wrong kind of spontaneous
You tolerate situations and people
You are verbally gaming people or getting gamed
You don’t use the one word every woman needs to know
You don’t know the antidotes to the 5 curses of mankind
You don’t say what you mean or mean what you say
CHAPTER 2: WHY DON’T I HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP?
You are unaware of the energy systems that exist in relationships
You don’t know the “absolutely successful 5-second flirt technique”
You don’t know that there are the 3 different kinds of dating
The chemical oxytocin is ruling your love life
You are confusing great sex with great love
You haven’t detoxed from your last relationship
You haven’t taken a Dr. Allen pledge
CHAPTER 3: HOW CAN I TELL IF IT’S REALLY LOVE?
Understand that all relationships go through 4 phases
Recognize the 4 different types of anger, and deal with them
CHAPTER 5: FAMOUS DR. PAT ALLEN GEMS
CHAPTER 1
WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK?
Do you ever react first, and think later? Are you obsessing about a problem or person? Can’t find a solution? Don’t like the way someone’s talking to you but you can’t respond effectively? Hurting someone you love?
Most people, instead of communicating in a healthy way, play verbal intimidation games, or verbal seduction games. They react to life based upon what other people have taught them and they criticize themselves and others.
The key to communicating more effectively, as Dr. Allen likes to say, is to “Watch your mouth!”
So maybe your life sucks because…
There are 4 ways Dr. Allen says people speak that will reveal if they’re a bad communicator. Communication losers are:
1. Condescending: This would be someone saying things like “Oh come on, you should know that,” or any “I’m ok, you’re not ok” kind of comment.
2. Abrupt: These are people who say “shut up” or suddenly hang up on you, or maybe just stomp away during a discussion.
3. Secretive: An example of this is someone saying, “If you really loved me, you would have known,” even though they never told you what you should have known. You’re being asked to be a mind reader. This category includes people who really are just keeping secrets from you.
4. Evasive: This is someone who’s dodging issues and questions, perhaps someone who is hard to pin down, saying things like “I’ll marry you. Someday.” Or “I’ll deal with this later.”
YOU REACT INSTEAD OF THINKING FIRST
Dr. Allen says there are only two ways to react to someone or something: emotionally or rationally. She adds that there’s a strange phenomenon associated with this theory: that rational people care about feelings and emotional people don’t care about feelings.
Her explanation: Emotional people (the majority of us) do a feel, react, think routine, where you feel your pain or pleasure, react on that feeling and then think later.
Rational people do the opposite: feel, think, react. You feel your pain or pleasure, figure out what you want and don’t want, think about the cost factor, and only then act on it.
A quote from Dr. Allen, “Now if you really want to make the industry of shrink-dom powerful and rich, here’s what you gotta do: feel, think, feel, think, feel, think. What’s that called? Rumination! You can stop rumination by going back to your main mantra: The way out of a negative feeling is a positive decision (what do I want or what do I not want) followed by action or inaction as soon as possible.”
*Note: Your action may actually be the decision to not react (inaction), as in “I’m consciously deciding not to react to that.”
YOU ARE THE WRONG KIND OF SPONTANEOUS
Dr. Allen, “People who react emotionally, without thinking first, are spontaneous. And while some people adore spontaneity, here’s the problem: total spontaneity produces chaos. Self-discipline actually allows you to experience the best of spontaneity.”
This image might help: Say you want to go diving to see sharks up close. Some self discipline, or boundaries, like a cage will make the experience far more enjoyable than shark watching without a cage.
So Dr. Allen recommends that by all means, enjoy your spontaneous nature, but consider using some self-discipline, or boundaries, “If you know the boundaries of your relationship, whether it's your mother, your father, your lover, your boyfriend, your kid, whoever it is… if you know your boundaries; what you want and don't want from a relationship, you are basically safer.”
YOU TOLERATE SITUATIONS AND PEOPLE
Dr. Allen believes you can’t change other people, but you can change your reaction to them.
If you’re dealing with a difficult situation or with difficult people, you have one of 3 options:
- You can accept the situation or person exactly as they are.
- You can reject the situation or the person, as in avoid them or leave.
- Or you can tolerate them/the situation. (Not a great choice.)
Dr. Allen, “I highly recommend you either accept or reject, but never tolerate. Here’s why: When you tolerate a person or a situation, what you're doing is half accepting and half rejecting. Toleration puts you in a stressful situation, and when that happens, your body produces the chemical cortisol. Anybody know what cortisol is? Cortisol is distress. Cortisol is the overabundant production of adrenaline. And cortisol rots in your body, it strips your nerves, ruins your T cells, will make you ill, and can, in extreme cases, actually kill you. Listen to what I'm going to say…
I do not need to like, or approve of those I love and accept. But I must love and accept everyone's right to be right or wrong.
Some people may be too toxic for you to be with, especially if you’re emotionally healthy. If you put a toxic person and a well person in a room, what will you end up with? Two toxics, because the toxic person weighs a thousand pounds emotionally and a well person weighs a hundred. Toxic people will crush you. Get away from toxic people.
We therapists work for years to be able to be in the same space with a toxic person and they get us anyway. It's egotistical to think you can handle a toxic person.”
YOU ARE VERBALLY GAMING PEOPLE OR GETTING GAMED
Dr. Allen is a big fan of Dr. Eric Berne’s work. He’s a psychiatrist who wrote the best seller “Games People Play.” One of Berne’s students, Steve Karpman, created a unique “Drama Triangle” that quickly identifies communication games people play. The theory goes like this: instead of communicating effectively, people take on one of three roles: victim, persecutor or rescuer in order to get their needs met.
See if any of Dr. Allen’s examples sound like you, or someone you know.
VICTIMS
Kick Me: People who say things like, “This always happen to me.” To which Dr. Allen responds, “You know why it always happens to you? Because you haven’t learned the lesson, and you’re not open to learning.”
I’m stupid: This is a person who just doesn’t want to learn.
Wooden Leg: Someone who makes excuses for not learning, as in “Oh, I have a ____ (fill in the blank) so I can’t do that.”
Harried: Someone who overloads their day so they can’t do anything well.
Poor me: Toxic people who play on your sympathy.
Addict: People who are alcoholics, bulimics, or addicts of any kind.
PERSECUTORS
NIGYSOB: Translation: someone who delights in the emotion, “Now I got you, you son of a bitch!”
Blemish finders: The kind of people who would say something like, “I can’t marry you, you’re too short.”
Courtroom: People with a controlling attitude of, “I’ll decide what’s right and wrong.”
If it weren’t for you: Accusatory people who says things like, “If it weren’t for you, I’d be a doctor by now.”
Passive aggressive: Someone who might say, “See what you made me do? I hit you, now I’m in jail and it’s your fault!”
RESCUERS
I’m only trying to help you: Someone who uses this phrase the minute you question them.
What would you do/be without me: Attention seekers who need constant affirmation.
They’ll be glad they knew me after I die of a heart attack: Drama queens who use guilt to make you appreciate them.
Once you start identifying these ‘mind games’ that people (or maybe you?) play, and stop playing them, the more effective you’ll be at communicating.
YOU DON’T USE THE ONE WORD EVERY WOMAN NEEDS TO KNOW
Dr. Allen, “What's the only word that a woman needs to know? NO. If you want to live on the planet, ladies, you've got to know how to say no. All the women in the room, raise your right hand and repeat after me…
‘I promise, on my honor, to say NO to immoral, unethical, and illegal treatment. So help me God.’”
YOU DON’T KNOW THE ANTIDOTES TO THE 5 CURSES OF MANKIND
Dr. Allen has adapted her ‘5 curses’ premise from the work of another great therapist, Taibi Kahler.
- Curse number One is: Be perfect. I like to think of this as suicide training. If that message is in your head, here’s the antidote: Be excellent.
- The Second curse of mankind: Try harder. Got one? Get two, got two? Get three. The antidote: Know what’s enough.
- The Third curse: Hurry up. Anybody got a hurry up? Don't work easy, hurry, hurry, hurry. The antidote: Work easy.
- The Fourth curse: Oh this is a good one, churches love this one. Please other people first. The antidote to that is please yourself first.
- And the Fifth curse is: Be strong. You know what be strong is? Unteachable. The antidote to this is to be open. Unteachable people are absolutely lost souls. Run away from them. They are so toxic. Demonstrate a life but don't try to educate them.
YOU DON’T SAY WHAT YOU MEAN OR MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
One of Dr. Allen’s favorite phrases is, “Don’t SHOULD on me!” Here’s her explanation:
“I recommend you don't use the phrases:
- You should…
- You ought…
- You must …
- You have to…
Instead, use these:
- I want…
- I do not want…
- I want you…
- I don’t want you…
Using the first set of phrases, ‘You should, you ought to, you must, you have to,’ does not make for effective communication. And I’m not just talking about you talking with other people. I’m talking about you talking to yourself as well, internal or external communication. Remember, you are listening too, the kid inside of you is listening to what you say!