Alvin's Good Ole Boy Catalog
By Tom F. Twain
Copyright © 2011
Smashwords Edition
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Alvin's Good Ole Boy Mail Order Catalog
Everything a feller need for huntin', fishin', fightin', and drinkin' since 1942.
"Remember: If it ain't nailed down, we'll ship it."
Alvin's Return policy:
They ain't none, peckerwood! If you don't like what you done bought—tough luck. Send it back, and I'm gonna have to visit you and open up a can of whup-ass!
Go Ahead, Make My Day Cap
Item A001: Any of you boys having trouble startin' a Saturday night dust-up down at the Long Branch? Every redneck peckerwood likes to kick a little ass after a couple of beers. It's disappointin' as hell when you can't get a good knuckle buster goin' 'cause the bar is full of wussies. This cap will fix that! Wear this headgear and every honky-tonk hero will want to call your bluff. It sports the timeless message Go ahead, make my day and the bright red and white polka-dot pattern is sure to attract attention. Then, just stare at some feller's girlfriend and say, "This must be ugly night," and you're sure to be in fist city. This cap has been field tested in Bakersfield, California, the West Texas oilfields, and it even started two fights at a Baptist church picnic. Available in sizes small and extra small. Order now and receive a full color poster of Toby Keith absolutely free! Made in China. Disclaimer: Not responsible for hospital bills if you have a lion's mouth and a hummingbird's ass. Price: $20.00
Bubba's Ducktail Hair Creme
Item A002: Fellers, this product has been hard to find since 1957, but good ole Alvin has manufactured his own brand. It's field tested and guaranteed to keep your hair unmovable even in hurricane force winds. Bubba's Ducktail Hair Cream gives your hair a gleaming patent leather sheen, and after it hardens, it can withstand a blow from a pool cue. Ducktail Hair Crème can also be used to fix flats, waterproof boots, and fry catfish. Processed in China. Price: $14.95