WordFood
Copyright © 2010 by Julia Hubbel
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All of the stories and examples in this book are true. In some instances, the names of people have been changed to protect their identity.
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Early Praise for WordFood
Through Hubbel’s use of stories and insightful questions, she shows us how to assess our internal dialogue and to clearly see its impact— for good or bad—on our lives and on all our relationships. Hub- bel then provides practical tools to tame and improve our internal talk so we can become greater influences for good and prosperity in all our relationships. As leaders, it’s important to periodically pause and remember the power of our words to influence the teams we lead. Hubbel’s WordFood diet can certainly help us “stay on track” to becoming or remaining the type of leader people want to follow—those who are hopeful, inspiring and encouraging.
—Sidney Johnson, Vice President,
Global Supply Management
Words can be a lot like mushrooms; some are tasty, some toxic, some downright deadly. Have you ever hung out with someone who makes you strong and helps you grow? Or perhaps you’ve been in a toxic relationship with a person whose very presence makes you sick. You’ve no doubt seen words that are spoken in anger kill a friendship. If so, then you’ve experienced the power of WordFood. Everything you say either feeds, starves or poisons those around you. Even those private, internal conversations, the little things you say to yourself every day, can energize—or debilitate.
This book is a journey. Like a visitor sampling the cuisine of a for- eign country, some items will be familiar and some totally new. You’ll learn to look at language in a whole new way, and begin to listen to every conversation with a deeper understanding. You’ll learn how to encourage and empower others, and how to protect yourself from unhealthy excess. You’ll learn how to ask for the verbal nutrition you need, and how to nourish all of the relation- ships in your life.
This book has the power to transform your friends, your family, your work, your world, just by mobilizing the nutritional power of words.
—Orvel Ray Wilson, CSP
The concept of WordFood is both fundamental and transformative. It seems so easy to appreciate the power of positive thinking, but so common to avoid doing it in practice. The self-reflection and proac- tive techniques outlined here are very actionable and can serve as a helpful reminder or a new beginning for anyone reading this book!
—Brad D. Smith, President and CEO, Intuit
The philosopher Ernest Holmes once said, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful, indeed, if everyone were for something and against nothing?” That’s how I viewed this book. Wouldn’t it be wonderful, indeed, if we realized that words matter and that we can have a positive impact on ourselves, our communities and the world by following the guidelines in WordFood? Imagine an increase in personal responsibility, civility and harmony. From individuals to communities to nations, maybe we can talk our way out of conflict and into peace. Wonderful, indeed.
—Carol A. Haave, former Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Counterintelligence and Security
Acknowledgments
It takes a community to create a book, and this book owes its ex- istence to many talented and generous people. First and foremost to my parents, who imbued in me the passion for words. To my beloved book coach, Orvel Ray Wilson, whose undying enthusi- asm for this project kept me focused and dedicated, thank you. Your incredible skill, insight, love for words, ideas and brilliant coaching brought this project from inception to reality in just a few amazing months. You walk on water. When you look in the mirror I hope you see what I see—the best there is. To Ted Sim- mons for his skilled artistry, many great suggestions, moral sup- port and competent eye, but above all for his forever friendship. To Grace Tiscareño-Sato, Karen Wright and Janelle Barlow for their brilliant commentary on the book. Barb Munson, whose talented editing and word wizardry makes any project shine, you’re a bless- ing. Karen Reddick for her fine proofreading and last minute detail work, thank you. And to Kerrie Lian, whose gifted eye created my cover and interior design, many kudos. To my family members, friends and fellow travelers who provided me the stories this book contains, my heartfelt thanks to you for sharing your lives with me so that we could change the lives of others. To all who had a com- ment, suggestion, idea—and there were many of you, too many to name here, you know who you are—thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your contributions made all the difference.
Contents
Introduction
“You fat, ugly pig!”
It was a warm January morning in Melbourne in 1987. I stood before the bathroom mirror, taking in my 205 pounds and 52-inch hips.
You see, I had bought into the myth that a woman is just supposed to get fat after 30. I was tired, flabby and working as a motivational speaker.
The indignation struck like a lightning bolt. “How dare you,” said the voice in my head. “How dare you put yourself out to the com- munity as an expert when you can’t even control your own eating habits? How dare you just give up when you’re only 31?”
Charlie, my next-door neighbor, was an Aukker (Australian for “redneck”) and a triathlete. From his porch he’d watch me lumber down the street as I struggled to jog three miles a day. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t exercise; my problem was that I ate badly.
Every Friday morning he’d come ’round pounding on my door and yell, “Oy! Ya bloody Yankee sheila! Come on out and run!”
Out of a mixture of fear and embarrassment, I had always declined. Today was different. He picked up the rusty red 10-speed that had been sitting on my porch for months.
“Oy!” he yelled again. “Ya wan’ me to teach ya howta roide this boike?”
Twenty-four miles later I was hooked. Then Charlie went through my cupboards and we threw out the junk food. That morning was a turning point in my life. Within a month I had lost forty pounds. By the end of the year I had lost eighty pounds.
What changed? Charlie taught me that not only was I feeding my- self toxic food, I was also feeding myself toxic words.
When I first heard that, I was dumbfounded. Toxic words? What was Charlie talking about? Then I sat down and thought about it—and the light bulb went on. I was feeding myself words that were hurt- ing me. I was telling myself negative things and believing them. Yes, toxic words all right. Charlie’s lessons changed everything.
CHAPTER ONE
Words
The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habits; And habit hardens into character
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings.
—Attributed to the Buddha
With a word, you can cut a coworker right to the bone or lift your spouse to the stars. Words of love can take us to the moon. The wrong words can bring us crashing back to the earth. Words can be felt as bullets, bombs or bayonets. They can be experienced as soothing blankets or energizing jolts of motivation.
Words have the power to transform. They can change the course of a life, alter our perspective, make us happy or sad. They can tear us apart or make us whole. When we direct them at ourselves, they can build us up or tear us down. They help us see problems from a new perspective, and help lift us out of the doldrums.
The thing about words is that they are interpreted differently by all of the people in our lives. And, more often than not, the im- pact our words have on others is unintentional. We are oblivious to their power. We are swept along by our emotions and we let our words come tumbling out unfettered.
Words have both a terrible and a wonderful power: to heal, to hurt, to help, to grace or disgrace. With this power comes the responsibility to wield our words wisely. Our ability to uplift each other with words is a true gift, while the capacity to do damage— even when we do so without thinking—is a curse. And, with our busy lives and the pervasive use of instant online communica- tions these days, it’s more challenging than ever to remain aware of the words we’re using and their impact on others.
Welcome To WordFood
Simply put, WordFood is what we say to one another, the words that we speak. It is how we feed or starve our relationships...how we grace or disgrace each other with our language.
Words are to the mind what food is to the body. We take them in as mental and emotional nourishment. When we speak to some- one, or even to ourselves, the words we serve up, together with our tone and posture, form a kind of psychological “meal.” Just like physical food, our messages can be digested and absorbed by our mental and emotional bodies. The verbal meal we provide can be nourishing or it can be toxic.
This is WordFood, the diet of messages we feed ourselves and others every day, from the moment we get up in the morning and begin those mental conversations with ourselves, to the exchanges we have with our spouses, our children, our working peers, our employees, clients, customers and strangers. These conversations continue all day long and they have a tremendous impact on our psychological and emotional lives and the lives of others.
We get our diet of WordFood from the words we take in. We also get it from various impressions, including the advertising that we see, the television shows we watch, the radio stations we tune in to and the music we enjoy. Our WordFood “Diet” extends to the causes and communities that we get involved with, from Save the Whales to the Tea Party Movement to the political party of our choice. The messages we feed ourselves, through the media and the mentality of our friends, mix with our own internal dialogue and become our daily bread of thoughts, ideas and feelings.
When your WordFood Diet is healthy, the inevitable ups and downs of the day are much easier to bear. You feel stronger and more resilient, mentally and emotionally. And when you use words to grace others you are doing the same for yourself. An un- healthy WordFood Diet, on the other hand, can lead to all sorts of disharmony, as we shall see.
The Reason For This Book
The first purpose of this book is to feed you. Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will ever have. No one deserves your love and positive regard more than you. This book is all about how you feed or starve your relationships, and that begins with yourself. It will teach you how to feed yourself a healthy diet of WordFood so you can live a rich, vibrant life and also give the world your very best.
The second purpose is to show you how to feed others. It will help you become more aware of what you say, how you say it and why you say it. You will hear how potent your words are, recognize the impact your words have on your relationships and discover the good you can do with a single, simple phrase. You will become more aware of how much damage a careless word can do.
In her book, Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott writes, “We must recognize that humans share a universal longing to be known, and being known, to be loved.” True, but it is our words, and how we deliver them, that are responsible for conveying essential emo- tions like love. Our verbal nutrition tells others how we feel, and how we value another’s company. Our words, body language and tone are the art forms by which we build the network of relation- ships in our world and express all the emotions that we feel. And when we don’t feel loved, we stop expressing love to others.
But it is through the expression of positive WordFood that we engender warm feelings, and by doing so, manifest them within ourselves in return. It creates reciprocity. What we give, we get back. Moreover, by being willing to use the power of our words to express love, regard and respect to others first, we open the chan- nel by which it is likely to come back to us in return. We must be willing to start the communication by feeding others powerful, positive WordFood.
On a grander scale, imagine a world where people don’t fear each other’s words. This can happen! By our choice of WordFood we can little by little change the world. The result can be a world of greater connectedness and warmth. This book can help bring about that change.
CHAPTER TWO
How Healthy Is Your WordFood Diet?
Do you realize that when you wake up in the morning and say something angry or abusive to yourself, you set the tone for the entire day? How many times has that early-morning voice inside your head said something like:
“I’m such an idiot.”
“Guess I’m just getting older.”
“These gawd-damn pants must have shrunk in the dryer.”
“These kids just don’t appreciate how much I do for them!”
“I’ll never be (skinny, rich, attractive, smart) enough.” “You fat, ugly pig.”
And this spills over to those you love...
“If you don’t hurry you’ll miss the school bus!”
“Hey! Pick up your damn (shoes, book, cereal bowl) and put it away!”
“My (husband, wife, child) is just so (thoughtless,
selfish, stupid)!”
This diet of toxic words then cascades downward. That ugly tone touches the people you love at the breakfast table, and then spills over onto the people at work and throughout the rest of the day. The cruelty you show to yourself is both destructive and contagious.
Alternatively, supportive and caring words spoken to yourself upon arising have the power to touch your heart and soul with grace and carry you throughout the day, leaving others graced and uplifted. Have you ever started your day by saying one of the following?
“Good morning, gorgeous!”
“I love you!” “I’m so proud of you.”
“You’re so (pretty, sexy, handsome) in this light.”
“Go get ’em, big guy.”
“That outfit looks great on you.”
“You’re going to make a difference today!”
When you pay attention to how your words affect yourself and others, you will see their power. Others feel energized by your positive expectations and want to be in your presence. Your words leave them feeling better about themselves and about the possi- bilities in life. They also appreciate who you are and the energy you bring to situations.
Your WordFood can be eloquent. Throughout the ages, others have inspired us with their words—perhaps a great president, a poet or an orator. And we are touched by the words of journalists, novelists and playwrights.
I bet you can remember who said:
“I have a dream...”
“Ask not what your country can do for you...”
“That’s one small step for Man...”
“Read my lips. No new taxes!”
“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”
These phrases are burned into our hearts, minds and souls. They have moved us to tears, to anger, to laughter, to action. They have inspired us to rise above our fears, to go beyond what we thought we could do and achieve much more.
Or your WordFood can be simple. “Mmmm, doughnuts!” comes to mind. Most of us aren’t eloquent speakers, but that doesn’t mean we’re not being listened to. Even if you’re not very expressive by nature or are a quiet person, never assume that you aren’t impacting those around you. Even if you have never taken a communication class in college, or attended college at all, know that your words are very powerful and do make a difference.
The Magical Gift
Each of us has this gift, this ability to touch another human heart with words. But make no mistake, no one but you is responsible for what you say, the intentions behind your words and the impact they have. Consider this: How magical would it be to be able to move people to greatness, to have a powerful, positive effect on others? You can! It starts with having that effect on yourself, on your own soul, each and every day, when you look at yourself in the
mirror and feed yourself those first words of the day.
What is the WordFood meal that you are feeding yourself? What kind of verbal nutrition are you giving your soul so that you can then feed others? How are you affecting your spouse, your friends, your peers, your employees and community members? Are you giv- ing them what they need to thrive? What about your children? We use language to teach our children how to make their way in the world. They learn about their own value through our feedback, our word pictures of them.
How Wordfood Works
Given that our language is versatile and varied, you’re going to find that you use a broad range of WordFood with different people in different situations. The dynamics of that relationship, your mood, and your level of trust or fear will come into play. During the course of any day, at home or at work, you’ll be faced with people, in differing moods, who want different things from you, who place different demands on you. Each of these situations may require a different WordFood response.
Have you ever noticed how your conversations shift with the mood? Have you seen how you can suddenly find yourself caught up in an argument, deadlocked in angry silence, decide to make up, and then find yourself relaxed and happy again? Sure you do. And in that way, you find yourself engaging in many different “diets” with others over the course of a day, an hour, or even a few minutes.
Emotions often drive our choice of words, and as a result we find our language changing with our moods. With happiness or anger, pain or pleasure, joy or heartbreak, our words and tone mirror our feelings. We may feel disapproval and voice it, leaving a dent in someone’s self-esteem. We may express deep affection that warms a friend’s heart. Either way, our words have impact, and as others choose to hear those words, how they filter them into their being is critical to their health. Just as important, how we hear words and filter them is critical to our own well being. Our words can also drive our emotions.
THE Wordfood Diets
Each person affects you differently and will get a different response from you at different times depending on your mood, the events of the day, the weather, or any number of factors. You may think you’re behaving the same with everyone, but you most likely are not. Each of us is touched uniquely by different relationships, and they draw varying reactions and, as a result, responses from differ- ent WordFood Diets. We like to think that we’re consistent, but life demands much more of us.
Consider stress. The greater the stress, the more exaggerated the symptoms and negativity will be, and this is when the less healthy WordFood Diets come into play. When you are feeling unhappy, under pressure, hurt, criticized, inadequate or in some other awk- ward state, you’re already likely to be expressing words from one of the dysfunctional WordFood Diets. When the stress increases, your reactions are likely to escalate in response. Your words become more hurtful and damaging as you try to protect yourself, and you end up creating greater havoc.
But the stress you feel can be helped by an internal conversation from a healthy WordFood Diet. Speak to yourself with care and appreciation, even in times of great stress. That inner dialogue can be very calming, causing that potential escalation to slow down, or
even stop.
“I can handle this.”
“It’s not really that bad.”
“I’m in control here.”
“This situation is the result of choices I’ve made up to now. Now I can make better choices.”
“Taking complete responsibility for this gives me the ability to respond in a more appropriate way.”
Even in difficult situations you can learn to intervene by sending messages to the emotional center that’s in trouble. The more your internal conversations are carried on with respect for your own psyche, the more you can extend that same regard to others.
Every conversation is an opportunity to help. Each time you speak, you have the chance to uplift someone, to leave them feeling graced. This is the power we have when we wield our language well. When you develop a healthy WordFood diet and use it every day, you will have the ability to transform the world around you.
CHAPTER THREE
WordFood Relationships
In your day-to-day life, you likely will have WordFood relation- ships in four different areas: your self, your work, your personal side and your community. With each relationship, you probably will use different WordFood. This may seem obvious. You would say, “I love you” to a spouse but not to a boss, and you would pray to a deity but not to a friend. WordFood is about the deeper levels on which you communicate with others and the impact you have with your words. Let’s look at these four WordFood relationships.
1. Self
Your relationship with yourself determines how you treat everyone else in your life. Whether you’re single or living with family or room- mates, how you speak to yourself when you face the mirror sets the tone for the day. From this everything else flows. You can critically impact the quality of someone’s day, especially your family’s, through WordFood. When you treat yourself with love first thing, then most likely the first thing out of your mouth to your family will also be love, and it will come easily and naturally. That’s why it’s so impor- tant that you treat yourself with respect and kindness.
“Wow, you look great.” “I’m really looking forward to today.” “This color looks really good on me.” “This shirt brings out the color of my eyes.”
“I have important work to do today, and I’m grateful for it.”
See yourself for the first time. Appreciate the being that you are. See yourself as full of potential, able to make good choices, live well, do good in the world, and make others happy. And you can, and will, when you feed yourself well nourishing WordFood first. That ability to see yourself for the first time every day gives you permission to start every day as though it’s a new beginning. The more quickly we can let go of the mistakes we’ve made, and forgive ourselves for our real or imagined wrongs, the more quickly we can begin to make the difference we came here for, and touch lives in the most positive way possible.
2. Work
As soon as you walk through the door at work you are met with greetings. There is work to do, deadlines to meet and people who need you. There are demands and frustrations, expressed or not. At work you may be engaged in a plethora of relationships depend- ing on whether you’re an entrepreneur, an employee, a manager or senior executive. Your perceived level of control over your own life will give you a sense of security and comfort. You may feel unhappy or threatened, or at ease and in control. You may feel overwhelmed and stressed. No matter what your work situation, your WordFood Diet will reflect your mood and feelings about those at work and the stress levels you’re experiencing, as well as the level of trust you feel. When you bring an open heart and acceptance to your work relationships you can help reduce other’s stress. This allows them to relax around you and feel at ease in your presence. They enjoy being around you; they look to you as a “port in the storm.”
3. Personal Relationships
You may have a wide range of personal relationships depending on how engaged you are in life. Your family, friends, close relation- ships, your children, all make up these spheres of your world, and they all require your attention and emotional equity. Your Word- Food Diets may vary greatly among these relationships depending on the demands that these closer connections place on you, and the trust levels and commitments that you have with them. These are our most intimate involvements, our most emotional connections, and therefore some of the most stressful. Your WordFood diets will reflect both the highest joys and deepest hurts that our vulnerabil- ity to these relationships entails. Robert White, author of Living an Extraordinary Life, reminds us of a comment by Carl Jung that it is in relationships where the “clearest mirror” exists to tell us what we need to work on next.
4. Community
Your world may also involve community commitments such as church, shelters, charities, service clubs or other groups that gather to give back. These provide you a chance to get involved. These organizations demand your time, your energy and your emotional involvement. Your WordFood diets here will reflect how much joy you have in giving back, how much pleasure you take in participat- ing and how much you enjoy the relationships you’ve developed in this environment.
Community also includes your relationship with your Master Architect, your higher power. What is that like? Is it a caring, trusting one? Do you enjoy your communications with your higher power? Do you check in regularly? Do you feel loved? Much of this is going to depend on your belief system. However, in most cases, there is a loving Source, and that Source offers complete acceptance of our humanness and, when we take responsibility, offers a willingness to forgive us for whatever we do and start over with a humble heart. Each day begins afresh without guilt, and whatever your source of divinely inspired WordFood, it will provide important guidance on your journey.
Part of the WordFood you take in consists of books, tapes and programs that you use to develop yourself spiritually. Mornings are a perfect time to find inspiration from a book of affirmations, sayings, scripture or other writings that feed you messages about your value. What better way to begin the day than with Word- Food from a holy source about love, acceptance or forgiveness? This may well be the best way to see yourself as the precious hu- man being that you are.
A Challenge
There is an implicit challenge in this book. As you read over these various WordFood Diets (beginning on page 29) and consider the model for the ideal WordFood that you will offer your four Word- Food relationships, consider who you are. Within each of us is a community of components: that aspect of us that does our work, the part of us that is a spouse and/or parent, the part of us that is a friend, the piece of us that goes to places of worship. These con- stituents sometimes speak for us, and as a wise friend of mine puts it, “write the checks in our name.” Some are more functional than others. You know they are out there because every so often one of those parts speaks up, and you wonder who in the world just got you in trouble. Or you wonder what piece of you volunteered to sit on that committee. These parts can be very strong, bullheaded and sometimes not very healthy. They can be egotistical and un- predictable, as well. There are elements in us that tend to overreact when someone is unkind. There are those components of us that get very hurt and lose perspective when a loved one lashes out. And when we are feeling strong, there are parts of us that can have otherworldly courage in the face of great personal challenges. These are all facets of who we are.
This book raises the question of what part of you needs to “sit down” so that it can learn? Which constituent in you needs to get out of the way so that you can grow? Is there an aspect of you that is egotistical or fearful and keeping you from another way of see- ing? Every so often this book will offer a suggestion that you may find difficult to accept, or perhaps even offensive. These are the sug- gestions that you might take an extra moment to consider because your different constituents are rising to the occasion. Something important is happening here and it’s time for you to take note of your reaction. Which part is about to write off this idea before you—the real you—get a chance to consider how you might gain from the experience being suggested?
At the beginning of 2010 I decided that I wanted to get in top shape. Having been a bodybuilder for nearly thirty years and hav- ing accumulated a lot of knowledge about nutrition, I felt I had a pretty good base of knowledge by which to judge the skills of some- one I might hire to be a personal trainer. After all, I had worked with personal trainers before, and this time was no different.
But was it? Here I was at 57, my body was changing, and even though I was strong and reasonably fit, I should no longer be lift- ing very heavy weights. My goals were different. So I asked myself what component of me needed to sit down so that I could learn, and I realized that I was basing my next choice of a personal trainer on thirty years of what was probably outdated information. I went straight to my gym and selected the most recently certified gradu- ate from a strength and training program that I could find.
Ben, all of 24, turned out to be the best choice I could have made. His lively, challenging, whole-body programs are used by Olympic athletes and are the most up-to-the-minute in sports medicine. Af- ter being bored for the past five years, I am now inspired, delighted and pushed by the variety of his workouts because they’re never the same. And I’m in the best shape of my life. By sitting that arrogant, know-it-all aspect of me down, I gained something valuable.
What part of you needs to sit down so that you can gain some- thing here?
CHAPTER FOUR
The WordFood Pyramid
First there was the American Food Guide Pyramid, adapted by the USDA in the 1990s to help people understand and obtain better nutrition. Now there’s the WordFood Pyramid, consisting of four essential WordFood groups. These dynamic building blocks repre- sent what people need every day to thrive and succeed.
HeartBreads, the base of the Pyramid, represents the words we must hear everyday to thrive. Energy Enhancers, the next level, are words applied to specific actions, skills or behaviors. Character Fiber, the third level, is critical to personal, spiritual and profes- sional development. Balance Builders are used sparingly, keep us on course. Each WordFood group has its own place in our everyday diet, for our own development and for those around us.
As you read the descriptions of each WordFood group, consider whether you’re being adequately fed enough of these words every day.
Ask yourself:
What’s missing?
How can I get more?
Who should be providing it to me?
Who can I go to for better verbal nutrition?
Who needs better verbal nutrition from me?
Are the people around me getting too much or too little of any one WordFood group?
Each of these four WordFood groups is important to healthy rela- tionships. First, you must ensure that you’re cared for and well fed. Only then can you care for others in your spheres of influence at home, at work and in your community. Are you providing yourself a healthy diet of each of these groups? If the dinner table is a solemn place each night, with little conversation, perhaps your family also isn’t getting enough WordFood nutrition. If your team members or employees aren’t performing up to par, perhaps you aren’t feeding them a nutritious diet from these key WordFood groups.
Let’s take a look at these four groups and what they do.
Heartbreads, 6-11 Servings Daily
HeartBreads touch the human soul and inspire the heart. This group forms the backbone, the building blocks of the Word- Food Diet. These are the words that we must hear every day to thrive. These include words of praise, positive reinforcement, caring, acts of active listening, graciousness, empathy, under- standing, specific feedback tied to positive behaviors, catching people in the act of doing something well, gratitude, eye con- tact, warmth, openness, accessibility, trust, collaboration, coop- eration and open give and take.
These words support the human experience, inviting the per- son to live fully, to reach inside and come from trust instead of fear, to try new things. HeartBreads develop the fundamentals that establish human connections, create trust and allow rela- tionships to evolve. Heartbreads, provided every day, support teamwork, achievement and high performance. When you use these words with yourself and others, they engender a wholly different level of functioning: thrival instead of survival, joy in- stead of woe.
HeartBreads support achievement, move people through the daily challenges and doldrums and support us through the in- evitable injuries. They provide a place to be heard, a safe space to know ourselves. Generous servings of this group can stop an argument, soothe a hurt, put anger in perspective or inspire someone to greatness. This fundamental WordFood group forms the foundation of all the others. When provided every day in multiple servings, they are the main course of a healthy Word- Food Diet.
Everyday examples of HeartBreads could be:
“Thank you!”
“I appreciate you.”
“Thanks for coming in so early today.”
“You make such a difference in my life.”
“Thank you for everything you do around here.”
“I’m sorry you feel bad. What can I do for you?”
“You have a right to your opinion. I respect your viewpoint.”
“Thanks for taking the time to be with me today.”
“Your work is so valuable around here.”
“Thanks for your input on my project. It really helped me along.”
“Your smile just makes my day every morning.”
“You’re such a fantastic husband. Thanks for loving me.”
“You are the best friend anyone could ever have.”
“I look forward to working with you every day.”
“I noticed your extra time in the office last week. Thank you.”
Energy Enhancers, 3-5 Servings Daily
While HeartBreads swell the heart and appeal to the emotions, Energy Enhancers swell the head and apply to a specific action, skill or behavior. The group includes compliments, acknowledgment and recognition. Energy Enhancers are all about support, providing ways to add value to someone through words of encouragement, words that build self-assurance. Regular servings feed the listener huge confidence builders about their abilities, skills or a job well done. Energy Enhancers can also provide helpful guidance on a project or assignment. People who get words from this group are thoroughly energized and pumped up. These are the compliments that raise our spirits and motivation to do much more. People walk away ready to do their best, whether it’s an adult taking on a big project at work or a teen who is tackling trigonometry.
Examples of Energy Enhancers:
“You look great in that dress!”
“That was a super job you did on the Aspen Project.”
“You have excellent instincts for customer relations.”
“You are the best cook in the southwest!”
“I wish I could ski like you do. Would you coach me?”
“You are beautiful.”
“That was masterful work on your presentation.”
“You’ve come a long way on your math skills. I’m so proud of you.”
“I admire your ability to research in such detail.”
“You made all the difference on the conference planning team.”
“Your enthusiasm lifts everyone’s spirits in this office.” “Your leadership skills have impressed me very much.”
“You are so handsome in that suit. I’m proud to be seen with you.”
Character Fiber, 2-3 Servings Daily
The WordFood Character Fiber words are all about developing power and depth, providing course correction, setting boundar- ies and guidelines. This WordFood group creates better “bodies” through clarity and honesty, through giving guidance about life direction. It is used during coaching and counseling, through mentoring and management, where a strong and caring hand is necessary to help provide perspective and judgment in challenging situations. When life offers opportunities through challenges, it’s time to seek guidance, and Character Fiber is the source. There is also an internal “voice” that speaks to us. Sources for this voice are found in spiritual authorities, universities, senior management and friends. Servings of Character Fiber are critical to personal, spiritual and professional development and, while it’s sometimes taxing, it’s always ultimately rewarding to live up to an opportunity for growth. This WordFood group also sets safe boundaries for how we wish to be treated by others. Examples of Character Fiber:
“My observation of your interactive skills is that they could use some work. Let’s talk about this some more. I know you’ve got the ability to be more effective in this area.”
“You’re very good with your individual relationships on your team but your strategic vision can sometimes be lacking. Let’s set a time when we can go over your long-term goals and develop a vision for your department. I want you to achieve a promotion in the next few years and this is a key part of your development.”
“You’ve set some challenging goals for yourself but you’ve excluded your family and friends from helping you achieve them. Perhaps it’s time for you to stop being a loner and start receiving their love and support. It’s hard enough to set yourself lofty aspirations, but to isolate yourself is even harder. Let’s talk about how to learn to receive the love that your family and friends want to give you to help you reach your goals, so that they can be there for you when you make it to the top.”
Balance Builders, USE Sparingly
Balance Builders, at the top of the Pyramid, keep the pendulum from swinging too far in either direction. They keep us on course. Used sparingly, these words are appropriate when someone is abso- lutely misbehaving or about to go off the deep end. Words in this group may also be for those who are reaching life’s heights. Effec- tive living requires balance, and this WordFood group addresses behaviors that are either in the high achievement category, which comes with top awards and acknowledgment, or are destructive behaviors that threaten to undermine.
Words of critique are sometimes important to show that there are areas needing improvement or when someone is not living up to expectations, standards or agreements. They also are used when someone is letting others down, misbehaving or hurting others, or when we ourselves are being hurt or lied to. WordFood in this group challenges other’s toxic behavior, ill treatment, the overstepping of boundaries, lack of respect and other misbehaviors, but done so in a spirit of respect and by setting an example. At the other end of the spectrum, Balance Builders pay the maximum regard to incredible performance with high praise and compliments, sweet words and accolades but come only on rare occasions when called for, keeping one’s ego under control.
“It’s clear that you’ve been experiencing stress, but your behavior has impacted other team members and this has shown up in their performance as well as your own. It’s time to step down as team leader for a while and reconsider your best role in the company.”
“We all look up to the example you have set for extraordinary achievement here at Ball Company. Your impressive history at the company speaks for itself. We hope that young managers continue to learn from you. Thank you for your service.”
“You are disappointing yourself and me by not living up to the expectations of this position. You have the skills and the intelligence to do this job. And you came here highly recommended. For your own reasons you have made other choices with your time. This has had an unfortunate effect on a number of people who counted on you, including me. I am invested in salvaging this situation. What are you willing to do to help remedy it?”
Two important questions that you could ask yourself are:
“What would be the first indication that my performance is improving”?
“If a miracle solved my performance problem, what would I be doing differently tomorrow?”
—Heath & Heath, Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, Crown Business, 2010
Each of the WordFood groups offers key verbal nutrition when taken in their appropriate daily amounts. But any of them, offered in excess, can affect both the giver and receiver. Everyone needs a certain amount of Character Fiber during the day, and there is occasionally a call for Balance Builders when there is a problem with performance. By any measure, the majority of your daily interactions call for HeartBreads, which will work to enhance those interactions and prevent most communication problems from developing in the first place. You’ll find that there are some people in your life who need more of certain WordFood groups than others. You simply adjust.
Keep in mind that relationships don’t thrive without feedback. Peo- ple can hurt us, and we need to establish and defend our boundar- ies. This also is the role of Balance Builders. But sometimes you have to be more forceful if you are being hurt.
There is a story about the Buddha, who was traveling through India. He had finished his teaching in a particular village and was ready to leave. One of the elders asked which way he was planning
to go and the Buddha pointed west.
The man said, “Holy Buddha, you don’t want to go in that direc- tion. You want to go in this direction,” and he pointed east. The Buddha asked, “Why?”
The man said, “To the west is a terrible snake that is biting all the people. It is not safe.”
The Buddha said, “I will go west.” And off he strode.
As the Buddha walked west, he watched for the snake. Sure enough, not far outside the village, the snake revealed itself.
“Great Buddha,” the snake said, “I recognize you. I will not bite you. You may pass.”
The Buddha looked the snake in the eye and said, “I hear you’ve been misbehaving. You’ve been biting the villagers. Doing ter- rible things.”
The snake hung its head. “It’s true,” he said.
“This must stop at once,” demanded the Buddha. “I will come by here again soon and I will check on you.”
The Buddha continued on his way. A few months later he was back in the village. He heard nothing about the snake among the villagers. When he was done with his teachings, he went out to find the snake.
He searched long and hard. Finally he came upon it. The snake was lying there, bloody and broken, beaten to a pulp. “My goodness! What happened to you?” cried the Buddha.
“I did what you told me,” said the snake. “I stopped biting the vil- lagers. They got bold. They came out here with sticks and rocks and beat me within an inch of my life!”
“You idiot!” said the Buddha. “I told you not to bite. I didn’t tell you not to hiss!”
* * *
It is important to set boundaries with our words. While we should be kind, we needn’t be doormats. We have the right to stand up for our- selves, our safety and our psychological and emotional well being.
These four groups from the WordFood Pyramid each play a huge role in our interactions with others. Keep them in mind to serve up when someone’s Diet calls for more. Let’s look at those Diets next.
CHAPTER FIVE
The WordFood Diets
Do you ever get the impression that someone is feeding you mis- information? Or that you’re being served up a plate of bulls__t? Or perhaps you’re getting pablum, the kind of bland diet where you can hold a phone away from your ear for a few minutes while someone is talking, bring it back and the person still hasn’t said anything of substance.
Whether it’s at home or at the office, you’re always being fed a diet of some kind of WordFood—positive or negative or somewhere in between. In some cases, it can be a very specific diet of words be- cause it springs from a particular kind of intent. And many of these diets can leave you feeling distinctly uncomfortable. The person’s intent can range from anger and fear to rejection and insecurity— the whole spectrum of negative human emotions.
The trick is to identify the diet that you’re being fed, and to reach out and engage that person in such a way as to bring him or her back to a healthy, positive exchange.
These next pages explore seven diets—six dysfunctional, one highly functional—that you can identify, understand and respond to with servings from the WordFood Pyramid. With the right responses, patience and understanding, in many cases you can reach past what you’re being fed by the person dishing out the diet, develop a new connection and change the conversation. Ultimately you will develop your skills so that your interactions create a primarily Balanced WordFood Diet, and that you are regularly drawing from each of the four groups of the WordFood Pyramid every day and in all your relationships.
Bon appétit!
Starvation Diet
Marta is Ray’s boss. She is from Columbia and has been in the United States for about twelve years. She is proud of her heritage. She is very proud of how far she has come. She likes to have her name pronounced correctly. Everyone at work, except Ray, has learned how to pronounce her name with a hard “T.” Mar-ta.
Marta has told her Hispanic colleagues at the plant that Ray doesn’t respect her authority. “That is why he won’t pronounce my name correctly,” she says. “He’s trying to undermine my authority. He’s doing this on purpose in front of the others to show them who’s boss.”
Ray is a thirty-five year veteran of the plant, and a bit deaf as a result of all those years working with loud machinery. He likes his boss a lot, and enjoys bringing Marta her favorite dark espresso in the morning. He tries to flirt with her because she’s pretty. He’s not sure why she keeps reminding him of her name—all he hears is “Martha.”
When Ray comes in this morning, he opens her office door and says, “Good morning, Martha, here’s your espresso!” Marta seethes and decides she’s not going to talk to Ray at all. Even if she is responsible for managing him, she’s had it. She’ll teach him a les- son. She refuses the coffee and turns her back. She’s giving Ray the WordFood equivalent of the Starvation Diet.
Characteristics
When you’re being fed a Starvation Diet, you get silence, the dis- missal. No matter what you do, there is no response, no interac- tion, no feedback. You’re living in a vacuum of information, with- out any kind of exchange. You’re left out in the cold to figure out the rules of the engagement on your own. You find yourself starv- ing for information, any hint of emotion, a subtlety. Any crumb will do. You begin to project your own ideas and imaginings onto the relationship to create something, anything at all. In a vacuum, you often imagine the worst.
This happens when there’s a real or perceived hurt, offense, insult or injustice. The other person feels injured and is punishing you through the silent treatment. You may have committed a minor slight or a major infraction. Or there may have been a long history of real or imagined wrongs that have finally led up to a decision to shut you out without telling you why, and suddenly you’re locked out without an explanation.
As with Marta and Ray, there could have been a cultural misun- derstanding or a misinterpreted remark. Or something private may be going on in the person’s life that is too hard to discuss and they are taking it out on you. You may have committed a long series of microinequities and the last one was the last straw.
WordFood from these folks more often than not is... ...silence.
Food for Thought
“Microinequities” refers to the ways in which individuals are either “singled out, or overlooked, ignored, or otherwise discounted” based on an unchangeable characteristic such as race or gender. A microinequity generally takes the form of a gesture, different kind of language, treatment, or even tone of voice. It is suggested that the perceptions that cause the manifestation of microinequities are deeply rooted and unconscious. The cumulative effect of microinequities can impair a person’s performance in the workplace or classroom, damage self-esteem, and may eventually lead to that person’s withdrawal from the situation.
—Wikipedia, 2010
** *
Whether the WordFood is spoken or silent, body language can in- clude an expressionless face and cold eyes. Their arms are crossed and you’re faced with a closed body position. Avoiding eye contact is also common. You’re likely to hear flat monotone speech and a cold voice tone. They may turn their back on you or turn their body partly to the side to avoid direct face-to-face contact. They may be abrupt, rude, use few words to get across what has to be said and dismiss you right away.
For the most part, though, you are faced with avoidance behaviors. The fears behind the behavior may communicate:
I’ve been hurt, and I don’t want to be hurt again. You’re forbidden from hurting me again.
I’m going to make you pay for what you did. I will never lose control again.
I’m going to make you suffer.
The motivations behind this behavior might include:
I don’t trust you. I fear a loss of control.
If you get information (or something else I value) from me, you can take my (power, authority, something else I value) away.
Common negative responses to this WordFood Diet:
“He’s a control freak. He can’t let go of anything so he has to micromanage.”
“You just can’t talk to her. Forget about it, leave her alone. It’s a waste of time.”
“You can’t work with these people. It’s like talking to a brick wall.”
“That arrogant S.O.B.!”
WHAT To Expect From This Wordfood Diet
Behaviors that you are likely to encounter when someone is feeding you a Starvation Diet are listed below. You’ll also find an appropri- ate response for handling that WordFood so you aren’t negatively swept up and find yourself angry and frustrated and, therefore, responding in kind.
Silent Treatment: You get nothing at all. You’re ignored completely. The appropriate response is to let it go. However, don’t ignore it in an- ger. Simply accept the behavior as where this person is at the moment. Let things be as they are and wait for another time to try to talk.
Starved for Words: You get few, if any, words. The effective re- sponse is to show up on their doorstep with topics in mind to get them started talking. Pick three essential items that you know are of real importance to them: items that have deadlines, items of emotional importance, items of interest. Don’t push or try to force the issue, simply suggest that you begin a conversation. Be inviting, warm and open. Be more of a supplicant. Remember that they are likely to have been feeling hurt.
Punishes Through Silence: Another version of the silent treat- ment; here the silence is deafening and accompanied by angry body language. The appropriate response is to say, “You’re right, I’m wrong, how can we get through this?” Begin with this gentle apology. It does not matter who is right or wrong. The purpose is to start a dialogue and to establish open communication. The big- ger person is going to say “I’m sorry” first and create the opening for connection. This allows the hurt person to retain her dignity and move through the anger enough to start talking, either about a neutral topic or about the issue at hand. Either way this is a healthy start toward dialogue.
One Word Answers: Every attempt you make to engage with good questions engenders nothing but terse answers. You might get any- thing from “No,” “I doubt it” and “I’ll pass” to “If you say so.” The appropriate response is to prime the pump to start somewhere. Keep working the angles until you find that spot where there is a willingness to start talking, whether it’s a sentence or a paragraph. What can you talk about? What constitutes safe ground? Take re- sponsibility for the conversation and keep trying. You might try repeating their response back to them as a question.
“Is there a problem with my work?”
“No.”
“No?” (Don’t attempt to expand on or challenge their responses. Just wait for them to elaborate.)
“No. It’s not your work that’s the problem. It’s ...”
Don’t force, be gentle, be warm, be open, and remember that most likely there are hurt feelings, and possibly a long history of hurt feelings on the other side. In some cases the silent treatment hap- pens after someone has been hurt repeatedly over a long period and this is a wall that has been put up for that person’s protection. It won’t come down easily, and trust has to be won back over time. You may have to earn your way back over a wall that either you, or someone else, has caused to be built.
Talk to the Hand: You’re facing the palm. You’ve gotten a rude ges- ture that indicates you’re not welcome and you’re intruding. How- ever, you care about this person, and life and/or work have to go on. One way or another you have to get past this person’s anger. An appropriate response might be, “I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry. Let’s get past this. What can we do from here?” The purpose here is to offer the olive branch and try to start a conversation, to begin a healing process. Whether someone has taken offense, has built up vitriol or is just angry in the moment, your peacemaking could make all the difference. Again, it doesn’t matter who is at fault.
Eats at Me: The silence is hurting you (both of you, your lives, a work project, things you care about). When the silence between you has gone on for a long time and you are both suffering in your relationship, you’re being fed a Starvation Diet instead of emotional food. Your relationship can’t survive on this kind of input. No matter who started it, no matter what the initiating circumstances were, it doesn’t matter anymore. There is a good chance that others are paying the price for your standoff: family members, team members, friends, part of your community who are being hurt by your unwillingness to bury the hatchet.
An appropriate response could be:
“This situation is hurting both of us (and others as well). There is a larger issue at stake here. Let me apologize for my part of it. Let’s please move beyond this and work together. Here’s how I suggest that we proceed.”
In each of the suggested responses above you can see a positive communication is being applied that seeks to overcome the real or imagined pain behind the Starvation Diet behavior. These come from the WordFood Pyramid and constitute multiple servings of supportive and caring HeartBreads, where you are gently inquiring about what’s been lost, the imagined injury or pain endured. You are also using Character Fiber where there are some coaching skills involved to find out what the fear is. Someone must apologize, and it doesn’t matter who. The door needs to be opened to start the conversation again. HeartBreads, including courtesy, grace and tenderness, go a long way to opening the door when there are silence and fear on the other side.
Bridging The Gap
Back to Ray and Marta. They both have options in dealing with each other. Ray has no idea what he’s done to create the problem. Marta’s pride and ego have gotten in the way. Marta could choose to quiet her pride and look to her leadership role for some Charac- ter Fiber phrases instead. She might say:
“Ray, I am uncomfortable in this relationship and I would like to fix that. Are you aware that it bothers me when you mispronounce my name?”
“Ray, I may have made an assumption about you that wasn’t fair. Why do you keep calling me Martha?”
“Ray, I appreciate the espresso you bring me every morning, but I don’t understand why you keep calling me Martha. Help me understand why you do this.”
“Ray, I’m very frustrated that you still do not know how to say my name. It is MAR-TA, not MAR-THA. Can
you hear the difference?”
Ray could approach Marta to find out about her silence.
“Martha, I am sorry I offended you. May I please find out what I did to displease you?”
“I apologize for whatever I have done wrong. Please let me know so that I can make things right with you again.”
“I am a little hard of hearing, and so sometimes I misunderstand. I may not have heard something you said correctly. Please let me know if I misunderstood something you said.”
Marta’s ego and pride are blocking the communication, and com- promising her ability to manage. Other employees are watching how she’s handling this situation. Either party can put an end to this. While Marta would be wise to let it go, it could be Ray’s kind and humble inquiry that could force her to see how her pride is undermining her leadership.