Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow
By Jeremy Fink
Copyright 2011 Jeremy Fink and Jeremy Crow’s Nest
Published by Jeremy Fink at Smashwords
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A Legend is Born – The 2005 Campaign
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 1
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 2
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 3
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 4
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 5
Deadly Sins Therapy – Volume 5
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 6
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 7
Superdaddyman Takes on Captain ADHD – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Imtoocutus – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Mommystopholese – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 1
Oh the Wonderful Past Wreckage – Volume 1
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 8
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Imtoocutus – Volume 2
Of Things I’ve Lost and Those That Never Leave – Volume 1
Things You Learn from Your Son’s Best Friend – Volume 1
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 9
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Greektradgedius – Volume 1
Things You Learn From Your Co-Workers – Volume 1
Things You Learn With A Bad Back – Volume 6
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 10
Things You Learn From Your Co-Workers – Volume 2
Things You Learn From Your Co-Workers – Volume 3
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 2
Of Things I’ve Lost and Those That Never Leave – Volume 2
Superdaddyman Takes on the Dump – Volume 1
Things You Learn from Your Daughter’s Best Friend – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 1
Superdaddyman takes on the Mother of all the Evils’s – Volume 1
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 11
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 2
Things You Learn With a Bad Back – Volume 7
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 3
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation - Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 3
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 12
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation - Volume 2
Superdaddyman Takes on Captain ADHD – Volume 2
Oh the Wonderful Past Wreckage – Volume 2
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Imtoocutus – Volume 3
Livin With Evils’s – Volume 13
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 3
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 14
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 4
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 4
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 4
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 5
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 15
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Greektradgedius – Volume 2
Things You Learn from Your Ex Wife’s Girlfriend – Volume 6
Livin With Evils’s – Volume 16
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 6
The Chronicles of Superdaddyman and Polly Pureheart – Volume 1
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 7
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Greektradgedius – Volume 3
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 17
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown – Number 4
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown - Number 3
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown – Number 2 {Version 1}
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown – Number 2 {Version 2}
And The Merry Go Round Broke Down – Volume 6
Of The Wonderful Past Wreckage – Volume 4
You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet – The 2006 Campaign
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 8
Things You Learn With a Bad Back – Volume 8
Superdaddyman Takes on Captain ADHD – Volume 4
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 8
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 5
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 5
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 18
Sick News & Commentary – Volume 2
Wanderings of the Deranged – Volume 1
Update on the 17th Year – Volume 7
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 1
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 9
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Greektradgedius – Volume 4
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 19
Things You Learn With a Bad Back – Volume 9
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 10
Mental Notes Myspace Edition – Advertising 101
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 6
A Day in the Life of Jeremy Crow – Volume 2
Superdaddyman Takes on Jeremy Crow – Volume 1
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 11
Things You Learn With a Bad Back – Volume 11
Mental Notes Myspace Edition – Privacy 101
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 7
Mental Notes Yahell 369 Edition – Advertising 201
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 12
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 8
Things You Learn With a Bad Back – Volume 12
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 9
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 13
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 14
Superdaddyman Takes on Jeremy Crow – Volume 2
Superdaddyman takes on the Mother of all the Evils’s – Volume 2
From The Desk of the Jeremy Crow R&D Department – Volume 3
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 20
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 15
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Greektradgedius – Volume 5
Superdaddyman Takes on Captain ADHD – Volume 5
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 6
From the Desk of the Jeremy Crow R&D Department – Volume 4
Things You Learn From the President – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 7
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 16
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 10
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 21
Superdaddyman takes on the Mother of All the Evils’s – Volume 3
Lazius Boycrazius takes on the Mother of All the Evils’s – Volume 1
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 22
Prologue to the Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown – Part 1
Prologue to the Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown - Part 2
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006 – Number 10
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006 – Number 9
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006 – Number 4
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006 – Number 3
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006 – Number 2
Still Crazy in the Third Year – The 2007 Campaign
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 17
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 23
Superdaddyman Takes on BOTH Captain ADHD’s – Volume 1
MAP TREK .. The Wrath of Taco – Part 1
MAP TREK .. The Wrath of Taco – Part 2
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 18
Livin’ With Evils’s Uncensored – Volume 1
And The Merry Go Round Broke Down – Volume 9
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 19
Superdaddyman Takes on Captain ADHD – Volume 6
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 11
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 24
Superdaddyman Takes on Jeremy Crow – Volume 3
Fairytales from the Mind of a Madman – Volume 3
Superdaddyman Takes on Mophaka Al Queholic – Volume 1
Livin’ With Evils’s Uncensored – Volume 2
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 20
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 25
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 21
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 26
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 22
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 3
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 23
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 27
Superdaddyman Takes on Jeremy Crow – Volume 4
Superdaddyman Takes on Jeremy Crow – Volume 5
The Trial and Tribulations of an Evils’s – Volume 1
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 4
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 24
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 25
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 28
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 29
Of Things I’ve Lost and Those That Never Leave – Volume 4
MAP Trek III – The Search for Shytter – Part 1
A Day in the Life of Imtoocutus – Volume 1
MAP Trek III – The Search for Shytter – Part 2
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 5
Superdaddyman Takes on Imtoocutus – Volume 4
Superdaddyman Takes on the Iron Triad – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on Jeremy Crow – Volume 6
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 6
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 26
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 12
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 7
Wild Animal Training for Dummies – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 13
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2007 – Number 6
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2007 – Number 4
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2007 – Number 3
Are You Still Here? – The 2008 Campaign
Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius – Volume 9
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 14
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 7
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 27
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Imtoocutus – Volume 5
From the Desk of the Jeremy Crow R&D Department – Volume 6
A Day in the Life of a Wounded Crow – Volume 8
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 30
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 31
Superdaddyman Saves Easter – Part 1
Superdaddyman Saves Easter – Part 2
Realities of a Wounded Crow – Volume 2
Superdaddyman Takes on Captain ADHD – Volume 7
Holiday Cheer from a Madman – Volume 1
Things You Learn from Your Ex-Wife’s Ex-Girlfriend – Volume 1
Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation – Volume 28
Realities of a Wounded Crow – Volume 3
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Tempspanicans – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil of Megalopolis – Volume 1
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 32
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 15
The Battle of Megalopolis – Volume 1
And The Merry Go Round Broke Down – Volume 12
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 16
From The Desk of the Jeremy Crow R&D Department – Volume 10
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2008 – Number 5
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2008 – Number 4
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2008 – Number 3
Short But Sweet – The 2009 Campaign
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 33
Superdaddyman takes on the Mother of all the Evils’s – Volume 3
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 – Number 5
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 – Number 4
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 – Number 3
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 – Number 2
The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 – Number 1
I wouldn’t call it a Comeback – The 2010 Campaign
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 17
Livin’ With Evils’s – Volume 34
Superdaddyman Takes on TOKE – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 18
Some More Reasons I am Jeremy Crow after All – Volume 14
Some More Reasons I Am Jeremy Crow after All – Volume 15
Some More Reason’s HE’S the Superdaddyman After All – Volume 1
The Evolution of Pink Mafia High Command – Volume 1
Superdaddyman Takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 19
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 35
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 1
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 2
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 3
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 4
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 5
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 6
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 7
Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail – Part 8
Deadly Sins Therapy – Volume 15
Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Imtoocutus – Volume 6
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 36
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 37
Superdaddyman takes on the Pink Mafia – Volume 20
The Never Ending Battle of Megalopolis – Volume 1
Christmas Countdown 2010 – The Wrath of the Penguins – 4 Days
Christmas Countdown 2010 – The Wrath of the Penguins – 3 Days
Christmas Countdown 2010 – The Wrath of the Penguins – 2 Days
Still Evil after All These Years – Volume 1
Prologue – Who and What
For those who don’t know me, I have been floating around the internet for a long time under the surname Jeremy Crow. It all started July 15, 2005 when Yahoo started 360, which was merely their answer to Myspace. At the time I was just a chat room junkie, since my handicapped status that I had acquired from my job {which I still have} had taken away my ability to be a public person in the main sense, and my girlfriend at the time dumped me for being “no fun anymore.” What a sob story huh? Well hang on because it gets interesting from there.
I had already been a large chat room figure since my divorce the year prior, and I decide isolation and escapism would be my new best friends. It was wonderful to go and show off how funny and charismatic I could be in an environment where nobody really new me, and being stuck at home with three kids it almost gave me a way to share the company of adults. My “look at me” attitude forced me to have to play around with the 360 page because it had become the new profile whenever someone in a chat room clicked on you, so in true “look at me” fashion I had to make sure that it was completely filled out. This included the blog area, and until that point in my life I had never even had inkling to “blog” whatsoever. It blew up on me within a day as people were “angry” at what I blogged and I immediately reverted to what I do best, being a life-like cartoon character.
I was so popular so fast that it went to my head. I’ve ridden a roller coaster of popularity, unpopularity, approval, disapproval the whole way, and in the end it was one thing that I created in my blogs that has most defined me, and that is the alter –ego of The Superdaddyman. I have heard it enough that I needed to take all the Superdaddyman stuff and make a book out of it, and here is that book. It is in no way complete, and in some parts it strays from the general Superdaddyman stuff, but I found it necessary to add some of the background stuff in so that it is better understood how the Superdaddyman operates and why. In some cases it was necessary to skip various background and history entries just to keep a certain level of continuity. The book is mostly humorous, but will have a shockingly graphic and real part here and there. It might make you sad in places and it definitely will make me look sad in places. All I can do is apologize ahead of time for that.
On that note I have to say that this entire work is fiction. Especially the parts that are completely true, and mostly the parts that are mostly true. My ability to take the mundane and wrap it into a pretty package has to be defended here, and that means I have to tell you all that I made all of this up. When someone comes along and realizes that they might be able to sue me for a portion of the eight or nine dollars I make off of this I can say, “Hey I made it all up, how can you prove that is you?” and then write blogs about them. I also realize that people like George W Bush and Barack Obama probably have a sense of humor and understand that their names and faces are as public domain as it gets will be perfectly fine with any of the potentially defamatory things I write including them in it, but most celebrities do not. Because of this I need to state right now that any similarity between a famous person’s name and a name I use in this book is 100% coincidence and I am talking about someone completely different who happens to have the same name and they obviously don’t care.
I hope that anyone reading this book enjoys it in the same way I enjoyed writing each and every one of these entries. I also hope that you can forgive me for all of the spelling and punctuation errors. Initially I and many others that got a copy of this book to correct it like a school teacher {and they say I have OCD?} tried to correct these issues, but in the end I realized that this is the evolution of a writer tha might someday be famous or something. This is more a part of the last six years of my life than it is the ramblings of a twisted individual with an over-active imagination, and because you have taken the time to read it, I appreciate you more than you could ever understand. Part of that appreciation is making sure you get it all the way it was written and not the way it was edited. Enjoy the book.. Jeremy Fink {aka Jeremy Crow}
A Legend is Born – the 2005 Campaign
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 1
I heard it once said in a video I got from the library, that parents are actually wild animal trainers. We aren't friends. We aren't simply guardians. We are wild animal trainers. Kids are NOT little adults with adult feelings and problems. They suffer from an inferiority complex because they are ... well ... inferior. They are smaller; they have lived less time and learned less so far. They are also totally controlled by their instincts. Their instincts are what tell them that having a screaming fit in the middle of Wal-Mart might get them what they want, and they full well know that it is playing on your fear of humiliation. They also display many other manipulative traits that I am going to outline as I go through the various phyla of Wild Animals that I have here. I will also give examples of what they do and how I have learned from it.
I'll just start with yesterday. My 4 year old Sabrina Lynn {named after the witch on TV and the witch who gave birth to her ... Code Name "Little Evil" ... phylum "Imtoocutus"} starts screaming bloody murder downstairs. This child is killing me. The daddy instincts go into effect, and I am forgetting completely about my bad back and the doctor’s orders of no lifting anything over 5 pounds. I do what any crisis like this needs, I pick her up in one arm ... immediately go upstairs to the freezer ... get a popsicle {cuz a popsicle cures everything} ... take her up to the bathroom ... clean the foot where she had stepped on a nail {note to self ... kill the boy} ... put on a Dora band aide ... kiss the Booboo, and put her in bed to watch TV. Crisis number one solved. "Imtoocutus" has been tamed for the moment.
Now I must go downstairs, so that I can find out why I am going to kill the boy. There is Darius Franklin {named after the king of Persia and his lovable father ... Code Name "Captain ADHD" ... phylum "Ididntdooit"} standing on his head watching television. Now during the last half hour apparently Captain ADHD has managed to stand on his head 35 times, change the channel 40 times, completely rip the stuffing' out of a pillow that I once loved, and of course ... take apart the coffee table, which was exposing the nails that Little Evil had stepped on. Now the problem here is what to do about the boy since he had already forgotten that he had even taken apart the coffee table and, right now is concentrating on Karate moves. Most people don't understand that the school and the camp get the wonderfully assertive Darius who is tonked out on Adderol during the day, and I have this one who had already burned it out of his system on the bus ride home.
So I try to give him the long boring lecture about destroying things, and I stop every once in a while to make him repeat what I said, this is still an exercise in futility, while he is still working on his acrobatics. In the end it usually boils down to him saying something along the lines of "So you don't want me to have any fun?" followed by "So you hate me then?" and the poor hero in this story trying to reassure the boy that I don't hate him. This is then followed by another long lecture about owning up to his responsibility, then another "Yeah but" or two. Does this seem like I am having a little adult conversation ... NO ... wild animal training.
Ok ... I have the angry little soldier in bed now and I have to go check on little evil, but along the way a new animal that never seems to be trained Szarah Jaqueline {name origin unknown ... Code Name "Big Evil" ... phylum "Lazius Boycrazius"} is still laying around in her clothes from camp knowing full well that she should have changed by now. Well it's only been 3 hours, but who's keeping track. She is doing her favoritest hobby in the whole wide world too ... winding up the 6 and 4 year old ... you see she's 12. She has to go to bed at the same time as the other two because she won't put her clothes in the hamper every morning ... no more no less. I can't get it through to this animal that it isn't really that hard. This animal might have to be put to sleep someday, but I will keep trying for now. I'll save the single father trying to explain menstrual cycles to her for another volume of Deadly Sins Therapy and move on. The son is kicking the wall ... kind of sounds like the theme to Dragon Tales ... Little evil has started screaming again ... off goes Superdaddyman ... Sabrina is crying so hard ... I ask her what is the matter and she gulps out "I hu hu hu .... hurt .... daa dees ba ba ba back" .... Oh the guilt I have some days ... This kid is killin' me, did I tell ya that? ... ;8o)
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 2
Now there are some things in this world that you would think would be a given. I tell my kids every single day the exact same things and they seem to try to play the “I dunno” card whenever they feel it is available to them. The youngest of my children (Imtoocutus) is going through this phase right now where she has decided that she doesn’t really care about other people’s feelings. This is a right that comes to her from A. Being born … B. Being cuter than the other two kids … and C. Being spoiled rotten by the adults in disguise that I am forced to also deal with. Now mind you what further complicates the whole evil incarnate aspect of my life is the inclusion of my Grandmother {the evils’s great grandmother ... Code Name "Wicked Big Evil" ... phylum "Greektradgedius Inyiddish"} who really has helped Imtoocutus to develop into an incredibly rotten little girl at times.
Now as I try to teach Imtoocutus to jump through the simple hoop of “common decency,” she has decided to muckle on to the one thing that truly will get under my skin. The feelings of a very old woman, who will use anything that hurts her feelings as the Poetry of yet another Greek Tragedy written in Yiddish, and performed by a cast of Jewish mothers. A simple observation of “you’re fat” brought on by little evil, of course erupted into a good 3 days of “and everything I have done for you and your kids over the last few years” and choruses of “I should just move on to the next life after this one” which of course makes that wonderful torture we call “dinner” around here all that much more enjoyable. Imtoocutus, of course only has “I don’t care” as her favorite response to anything that resembles a lecture on tact or feelings.
Enter Captain ADHD to the rescue. Ididntdooit as his phylum dictates is the purveyor of all that is good and righteous in this world (as long as it doesn’t interfere with what HE wants, or has to do with anything he does) and was dying for the opportunity to rid the world of Little Evil. He has now taken to punching the little one whenever she does something that hurts “his” feelings. These things include such awful acts as, looking at him, breathing on him, talking to loud, or using the words “pickle” or “sunshine”. He also has a tendency to use one of his other wonderful super powers, which to the untrained ear sounds a lot like screaming. Of course this is usually only used at the dinner table when he has the rest of us hostage. I never knew I could eat as fast as I have learned to over the last 3 years. If there was an Olympic sport for eating, the USA would have it every year thanks to ME!
Now of course the phylum better known as Lazius Boycrazius is always at the ready to steer any of these minor trifles toward total Nuclear Armageddon should they appear to be trickling out. Her favorite one now is to simply tell Captain ADHD what evil has been going on behind his back. That usually will provide many wonderful hours of entertainment for her, and a good reason to call many of the wonderful young men that she talks to everyday. You know who they are people, the ones who when you say, “She can’t come to the phone right now,” want to argue with ME about it! Most of those arguments turn into “Ask your father - if you have one - about me,” since being one of the area’s most volatile characters over the last two decades does have some advantages. These of course are the guys who weren’t at the last school dance where “Szarah’s father was the angry looking one in the muscle shirt!” became a lexicon in the school dictionary.
So now I sit here writing my blog, enjoying that quiet time before the evil lil’ creeps get home from camp, and ponder that wonderful day (13 years and 24 days from now, but who’s keeping count) that I leave that last footprint (followed by a resentment) on my littlest ones ass, and hop in my Winnebago. I will be heading out West with nobody behind being able to find me. They can do what they want with the house, because they don’t know about the one in Florida, and I am keeping it that way. ;8o)
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 3
So here is a more in depth look at what it is like to be the wild animal trainer of a very over developed, just about to be a, teenager. We have discussed this phylum before “Boycrazius Lazius” and we have code named her “Big Evil” for those of you who haven’t been keeping up. Now, it is not easy being a parent to begin with, much less a single father with two girls, but it is even harder when the shocking reality that the mother of your daughter has a predetermined history behind her. Seven generations long, to be exact, where as every woman … mother … grandmother … great grandmother … great great … ad nauseam, have all had their first child at the age of 15. It’s a sad occurrence that I have to deal with the time honored tradition of “Virginity Defender”, as this has been a total failure for … well 8 generations of fathers before me. Did I fail to mention that all of their first born were women too?
Now I have looked through the archives of the many failed “Virginity Defenders” before me and I have noted a definite pattern, first of all being neglect. Check … I got that one down, and the second being way too easy. I fortunately do not fit that mold. As you see I happen to be a very aggressive male. Let me bring you back about seven years to when my daughter was in the first grade for an example. It was the school bully (you know the boy who stays back twice until he is much bigger than the other kids, as well as neglected and stupid) who brought out a new strategy in my parenting skills, and this note might help the rest of you in this endeavor as “Virginity Defender”.
My daughter was terrified to go to school, you see, and after some loving encouragement from her dear old dad (threatening, and yelling a lot) she brought it to my attention that this charming young lad (retard with ADHD and thick skin from home abuse) was being rather hard to get along with at school (kept pulling her hair, and pulling her off the swing set), so I was forced to ask the school principal for a face-to-face. Upon having this face-to-face conference with the boy’s parents, they were hard pressed to offer viable solutions to the problem (told me kids will be kids and my daughter should just get over it) so I offered up a solution of my own to rectify this unfortunate situation (put my finger three inches from the father’s nose and told him the next time my daughter came home crying, I was coming over to his house and beating HIM half to death) which we both found acceptable. Now mind you, the principal was in shock, but I was the biggest hit at the PTA meetings since this holy terror left EVERYONE alone after that. You see, it’s only necessary to assess the situation and deal with it accordingly.
So back to my job as “Virginity Defender” it’s really simple so far. I keep a good fear of GOD and ME in every boy that ever meets my daughter. I chaperoned a school dance in a muscle shirt and stared at every boy menacingly, on several occasions. Being the town psychopath growing up has had its advantages too you see, as I have often been able to tell these fine young men to ask their parents about me. They tend not to call back afterwards, but the few that do always get the favorite “Virginity Defender” tactic of showing up at the door to have to sit down at the kitchen table and have a chat with me, when they come to see my daughter.
It’s all in the way you chat really. I have this large black sharpening stone and a pile of big nasty looking African knives that I sharpen really slowly, while I chat with the lads. Make sure you never break eye contact, and try to drool a little. Should they actually find it necessary to come back again, you repeat these steps only with a basket of apples. Use the apples as props as you explain to the boys how close they are allowed to sit to your daughter, but don’t forget that when they get to the point of touching, CRASH THE KNIFE YOU ARE SHARPENING RIGHT THROUGH THE APPLE THAT MOVED IN! Then of course offer the half of apple to the young man. Keep in mind that at no point do your eyes leave his.
For those of you that really know the whole story, my oldest daughter is not biologically mine. I adopted her from her real father who was my ex-wife’s first husband. She came to live with me BEFORE the other two did, because she couldn’t take living with her mother anymore in Maine. She moved to Ballston Spa New York with me, and when it was necessary to go get custody of the other two from her mother she was there with me every step of the way. As a matter of fact her strength through it all was the guiding light that made it all possible, as I was taking on her mother and the entire Communist Government of Maine, but in the end, her and her daddy won. So I am hoping that the sight of what she had to go through because of her mother just might be enough to keep me from having to be too violent with her boyfriends. But she said I could if I want to, because she loves me. ;8o)
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 4
A very funny song from my favorite play has lines in it that relate to today’s blog. “Why did the kids put beans in their ears? How can they hear with beans in their ears?” And another one that states “Why did the kids put jam on the cat? Strawberry jam all over the cat?” but this cute little song from “The Fantasticks” (yet another one of the overused Romeo and Juliet rip offs that you find on Broadway, but I like it) gives you the answer at the end of every verse you see when it says “The minute that you say NO!” The two fathers singing this duet, walk around with confused looks, as they sing this song, and it is especially humorous to those that understand how the word “No” either means nothing, or it means “Oh hell yeah, I got to try that!“ Please feel free to start reminiscing about the wonderful times you have had with your children before you read any further, because it will probably make it all that much easier to relate. For those of you that don’t have children, and are looking forward to it someday let me preface today’s “Livin with Evils’s” with a simple statement … “Are you f***ing nuts?”
Ok so the saga of the evils’s continues with a little update on a day in the life of Superdaddyman … defender of the evils’s, and his quest to just make it another 13 years and disappear, with the knowledge that these evil bastahds are society’s problem, and I am driving many miles away in my Winnebago! They can do what they want with the house and the Great Grandmother, cuz I am not leaving any evidence that I ever existed. For those of you who don’t believe me on that one, ask any of them, I have been training them to deal with my disappearance for years.
My weekends start and end the same just about any week. I wake up Saturday morning to loud screaming, that is rife with insults and blame, which require me to referee a debate of insane people. I end the weekend by placing angry evils’s into bed, as they try heatedly to come up with every reason on Earth as to why they should stay up longer, not having a clue that they are right on the cusp of going to bed earlier the next night. The stuff that happens in between all of this always changes but has the same results in every scenario, more anger, frustration, and distrust to be carried over to the next weekend.
A typical day for Superdaddyman has his many common duties, such as going to work (so that I can bring home food that they won’t eat because it interferes with their talking over each other at the dinner table), cleaning the house (so that the kids have something to do, following around behind me, messing up everything I just cleaned), making dinners (so as I said before I can watch the “show” while I try to eat), and of course refereeing the many struggles that happen throughout all of this. Every weekend adds new items to my list of daily chores, when I am dealing with wild animals and future super villains.
As of this weekend I can now add bathroom supervisor to the list. This has been an ongoing struggle that is getting me nowhere, so like most parents I have had to add another inane task to my day. Captain ADHD you see can no longer be trusted alone in the bathroom, thanks to his inability to be in there alone with Talcum Powder. I don’t know if it is a hard fought battle with some evil creature in the toilet that desperately needs to be vanquished with his white volcano of doom, or some phobia that he has come across that full cans of talcum powder in general are evil, but I have failed in my attempts thus far to stop this behavior. I don’t see how losing TV, going to bed early, not getting desert, spankings, and every other conceivable way of punishing him, is not enough to take care of the absolute seduction of dumping entire cans of Talc in the damn toilet! This of course could be solved a lot easier if Greektradgedius Inyiddish would just assist me a little in say … I don’t know … maybe … putting the stupid Talc UP??? Any attempts to that route lead to the guilt trip of how I should understand that 174 year old women can’t be expected to learn these things, and 6 year old boys should be taught better. So of course I have to do the path of least resistance now, and simply stand in the bathroom while “Middle Evil” takes a poop. How could I possibly be cranky that this interferes with my chat time?
While we are on that subject, I happen to have a daughter “Imtoocutus” who will NEVER flush the toilet. She tries to act as though she didn’t do it (which is easily disproved by what my son once pointed out as “That was BINA!! Nobody on Earth poops that big!!”), followed by acting all cute and forgetful, and then she of course runs off to flush the toilet. Well sorry, I should add after dumping all of the shampoo in the toilet, and THEN flushing the toilet. People out there wonder why I have a fascination with toilet humor, and bathroom talk, well hey, it’s life to me. Wait until I talk about what happens when the food doesn’t make it to that end, and then you will have a grievance, but that will be a different edition of Livin’ with Evils’s. Back to the topic at hand, while it is still way out of the realm of possibility that “Whickid Big Evil” will be able to put the Shampoo … yanno … UP, where the damn Talc should be, I am forced now to stand in the bathroom and watch the 4 year old take a poop. Keep in mind loyal readers that ANYTHING a 4 year old is doing takes 14 times longer, especially with an unwilling audience. Before you say it, it is NOT in the realm of possibility, that I can simply come home and put these things up myself to save time because, Greektradgedius Inyiddish will follow me around at every turn putting things back in the wrong place whining about “This is my house too”, so I don’t bother anymore.
Now the last one, as you have probably read in the blogs previous, isn’t going to throw things in the toilet, or the trash, or anywhere that isn’t going to make me less disgusted so unfortunately, she gives me other reasons to have to watch her bathroom behavior, and thankfully the only thing it has to do with a toilet, is that I think that is where she sits when she is supposed to be taking a shower. We are going on about a year now, of someone having to go upstairs and make sure that she has taken a damn shower. Lazius Boycrazius has her moments I’ll tell ya but the stubbornness that she obviously loves so much, actually leads to far more work than actually doing what she is told. Now mind you, the thought of her Boy Repellant wafting into a room before she does, actually makes me happy at times, but having to actually go into the bathroom when she has supposedly taken a shower to find, dry soap, dry toothbrush, unopened shampoo, dry towel, etc etc etc, makes me have to wonder, why just sit there with the water running for 20 minutes? Hell at least when I was her age I used it as an opportunity to smoke! She uses it as an opportunity to stare at the shower curtain. I have told her so many times before that she is gonna have to find something she is good at cuz it ain’t getting away with things. She gets that from her mom by the way {said with a grin} and come to think of it their mother might still be around if she had ever learned to accept or say “No” too. ;8o)
Livin’ with Evils’s – Volume 5
So today I sit here with a profound problem that I am facing, which I am sure that some of you have faced before, a lot of you have not, and many of you wouldn’t have seen it coming. Thursday is my youngest daughter’s birthday, the Saturday after that is my son’s, and a couple of weeks after that is my oldest daughters. Let us not forget that my grandmother {Greektradgedius Inyiddish} who also lives with me is in this mix somewhere too. Her birthday is between middle evil and big evil’s birthdays. Then in the old days I would have a couple of months to get as much money as I possibly could together for Christmas.
Now don’t get me wrong we live ok. Many years back I started with a trailer, sold it and bought a duplex, sold that and bought a good sized house, sold that and bought my grandmother’s house so that she could retire, and I could get a serious tax break. I then moved out to upstate New York, where I got a townhouse, and was hoping to spend the rest of my life. Saratoga Springs … Gods country, where the people are friendly, the seasons are perfectly desirable, and all of the bullsh** that I have found the typical New Hampshire day to day was … well back in New Hampshire … where it belonged. For those of you who don’t truly know me, know that my whole life’s goals and ambitions are to get away from this God forsaken state. I would of course go out to Maine {the only place I hate worse than New Hampshire} to pick up my kids, and take them back to my house in NH to spend every other weekend with them like a good daddy. The ex-wife had moved them into Kennebec County Maine, where nobody works, so she could get welfare like the rest of them, and simply collect the child support. I figured 2 hour drive or 5 hour drive, it was finally time to get on with my life in New York.
The phone call came in from my former mother-in-law that my son had burned down the apartment complex that they were living in, and {the mother of all evils’s} wasn’t going to tell me … but … she {the mother of all evils’s mother that is} wanted me to come get the kids from her, and preferably never let her daughter have them back. I packed up the life I had so desperately wanted and was finally living for the last year and moved back to NH that very day. I took custody of my kids leaving the greatest job I ever had, the most beautiful home I had ever had, and of course the new bride I had behind. The bride did follow of course, but at least I could dream that she stayed there {grinning} and avoided the whole future lesbian thing. A year and a half of nasty custody battles later, and I had my kids, and she had an hour a week to see them. It started as every other weekend, and she just kept getting worse and worse til the judges thought she should see them less. One would think that everything was going great, but in reality it was going pretty bad. In the reality of everything I never wanted any of this. I was just doing what was right for the kids, and I still know that it is the right thing.
Back in Nooooooooo Hampshah, and I had a new job dumping asphalt on fiberglass yippee! Far shade from building Naval components like I had in NY, but I did what I could to support the kids. To this day we are actually the poorest family in the richest town in NH. When the fire department here has their toy drive, they basically place all of the clothing and donation bins at the end of our driveway. The best part of all of that was that we rarely had to worry about such things as paying for school lunches etc, since nobody really bothered to ask us if we needed it, it was always just a given. Supporting 5 people on 600$ a week was pretty darn hard when the ex-wife left, but I endured. Well I endured until I got hurt at work anyway. I watched 600$ a week turn into 400$ a week. I could hold on for quite a while because I didn’t have a mortgage. The Minivan was paid off, and I had a whopping 100$ month car payment on my Focus, and the bills were at least somewhat manageable. Weeks turned into months, and I am staring down the loaded revolver known to me as the gauntlet of birthdays. Credit cards maxxed, bank account empty.
My oldest daughter {Lazius Boycrazius} has a lot of friends, she has often commented on how her friends have everything, and for the love of Christ they do. All filthy rich, most of them spoiled rotten, many of them have butlers and chauffeurs for the love of Pete. My son {Captain ADHD}, doesn’t notice for all of his friend’s parents adore him and pick him up for play dates in their mansions, and he is only going to be 7 here pretty soon. The youngest {Imtoocutus} just thinks that she has everything any soon to be 5 year old is ever going to need. It’s my issue that I just want to die, because I can’t even get her a decent birthday present after all right? The confusion that I have been riddled with, and walking around hoping it would just disappear, hasn’t worked as it never has anyway.
So this morning, I am trying to write this blog entry, I have a suicide note in my IM from someone who has some real honesty issues anyway. I am talking to my ex who is in love with the guy about perhaps staying single long enough to learn how to be happy. My actual girlfriend {and yes I am finally using those words} is asleep and has far more to deal with than I hope to anytime soon. More confusion going on as people are trying to find out what is up with “The Mad Suicide Noter” and I am actually sitting here crying, as I type this stupid blog that has become my very existence. Yes I do cry at times, because I could care what others think actually. Who am I left to talk to, God? God helps me with what I need already, this is obviously something that God wants me to work through, and has alleviated some of the pain.
It was initially a good thing that “Big Evil” aka Lazius Boycrazius, has become somewhat human lately. She thanked me the other day for being as good of a father as I was capable of. It sort of sounded like this “Thanks for not leaving me with Mom”, which was I think a slight hint that she has become self aware that, since she is not my biological daughter, that she didn’t have to be living here I guess, but it never crossed MY mind. Some idiot probably told her something along those lines, and as bad as the intentions probably were it did force us to talk about it. We both cried (cuz that’s what we do) through a talk about how, she was what her parents made her, and somehow, God brought me along to possibly change some of that. She knows that she is both the poorest and youngest student in the 8th grade here. She initially moved out to NY with me, before I came back here to take custody of the other two, which I am sorry that I forgot to mention that. Biological or not I am her daddy after all. She expressed gratitude for being in a situation where she can live amongst the mansions instead of the trailers.
“Little Evil” aka Imtoocutus has a different way of making me cry you see, it was her idea that her and I sit down and make her birthday presents together like we do everyone else’s Christmas presents. She seems to think that since I always tell her that it makes them more special, that her Birthday presents should be special too. In all reality she just wants to spend time with her daddy, and if I don't get her a Barbie or something I'll still regret it, but put a price tag on that anyway. I guess every once in a great while you can teach the new dogs the old tricks. I’ll just sit here until the crying wears off. ;8o)
Deadly Sins Therapy – Volume 5
So it finally happened the first actual family gathering that involved my kids, myself, my immediate family (grandmother, aunt, her fiancé), my ex wife, and her girlfriend. It was incredibly uneventful really. My ex and I got along famously, like we had never even gotten divorced, her present acted like she had been a member of the family all along, and my family behaved. BORING!!!!! How dare all of these people not give me good blog material! I swear I am going to have to pray for all of those bastards. I mean do they not understand how much everyone out there in blog land depends on their surreal antics to keep them all laughing? Do they not understand that perhaps if we had one of those old fashioned family dinners, then everyone out there would have wonderful visions of how their family life isn’t that bad? Oh you haven’t heard about one of my old fashion family get-togethers? Well if the Yeager side of my family is going to be a boring get-together then let me take you to the other side of my family … Banjos please …
Now for all of you who were hoping for another edition of “Things you learn from the Ex Wife’s Girlfriend” or “Living with Evils’s”, just because it was looking like it could be a barn burner, well it just wasn‘t. Let me in turn apologize for the lack of show material and bore you with another volume of “Deadly Sins Therapy”. Instead of just talking about the Malice/Anger aspect of the deadly sins that my family brings upon me {or should I say I brought upon them}, I will also talk about the kindness I in turn had to use to counteract some, if not all of my malice, after it was all said and done. Love em or not, they are family, and sooner or later you always have to admit to being related to some people. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t mind airing my dirty laundry. Makes it pretty damn hard to dredge up my secrets to throw in my face when all is said and done. This might be a little boring to all of you who come from sick, alcoholic, and co-dependent families like I have. Perhaps I will be able to make it up to you in a later blog, but I have to go with what I have, as Imtoocutus’s party was just bland.
So if I were to go back to the last Fink {yeah that last name in and of itself could be a blog waiting to happen, don’t bother telling me} family get together that I had attended was back in 1988, for those of you who can’t do the math, it would place us to about 8 months before I came to AA this last time, and took it seriously, recovered from my hopeless state of mind and body, and started my path toward recovery. With that said, this was NOT one of the times I was actually in recovery, although, I had been not drunk, and a member of AA for about 17 months at this time, before my inevitable relapse, because that is what sick people do, when they have untreated alcoholism, but I digress. You see in my family, especially the potato picking part of my family, the tree kinda doesn’t branch out much. I often joke that my father was the black sheep for marrying outside the family, and I was worse than that for having actual non Maine DNA in me. Our family get-togethers were nothing more than an opportunity to get drunk, and cause enough emotional pain to hold us off till the next one, especially Thanksgiving. As we often liked to call it Thanks getting, and get out a-hole.
I have joked very often because I was the ONLY sober {for lack of a better word} person to show up to one of these things in about 6 generations. This of course didn’t add to the fuzzy feelings that all of these inbred losers had for me to begin with, but it did put me in pretty good shape for what was to always come at Thanksgiving. It’s pretty simple really, we would sooner or later break off into pairs of two, and start duking it out {ya know like most normal families do} in a sort of sick and twisted “Celebrity Boxing Tournament” each of us moving up the chain based on victory until the two remaining sicko’s would “take it to the lake” to see who would be that year’s winner. The winner was always proclaimed by my Grandmother coming out of the back door and waving a butcher knife yelling …. Yeah you probably guessed it already …. “THANKS FOR RUINING THANKSGIVING!!!!!” This entitled you to the greatest prize a family like mine could ever give you … The wonderful knowledge that you never have to come back.
I was a pretty lean 5’8” 125 lb ball of nothing, but I had speed, and a killer set of family resentments that I learned about in rehab at this time, so I was ready for all comers. When the initial fight broke out, I started off with my cousin Bryan {This was the one who later on in life was immortalized on America’s Dumbest Criminals, when he and a bunch of friends broke into an audio/video store in Georgia, and like most idiots grabbed the video camera first, recorded all of their mayhem, making sure that they each held the camera for a bit, so that they ALL could be in the video, and then sold the camera to a pawn store with the tape still in it … yeah we all saw it … damn genetics}, and he was an easy one. Little creep never could hold his liquor, and got blinded by his own vomit. My grandfather was next, and he wasn’t going to be easy, even if he was riddled with colon cancer, the former outlaw bikers do fight really dirty yanno. Fortunately for me his own knees beat him, so I was off to fight for the grand prize … off to the lake we go.
Now mind you, my Uncle is a tuff son of a bitch, he retired from the Marines a Major, and his specialty was officially killing things. The worst was definitely ahead of me, and despite my violent temper, this was not to be a very good test of my incredible dry drunk mentality. For the record, that was the last day my uncle ever drank, since he found AA meetings while he was in the hospital first with broken ribs, and then with withdrawals. He has been sober roughly 7 and a half months longer than I have been. When my grandmother sounded the final bell with her rousing rendition of, “THANKS FOR RUINING THANKSGIVING!!!!!” I had just about drowned him, and I was using some wonderful language about his mother, and how he had that coming for a very long time. It pretty much took every, still standing male in the family to pull me off of him, since the usual butcher knife approach had gotten old, and had lost it’s teeth. Besides, I was at the very least the closest thing to sober that had ever been to this farce before, so I actually knew she would never use it. Congratulations Master Fink, you have finally accomplished what your father took another year to do, but had always been trying so hard to do …. Total banishment to the Maine Potato Unions answer to the Hatfield’s, and even if you marry your own cousin, you will never have another Thanksgiving in old Maine again. Little did I know that a lot of these people never would again?