THE AUTHENTIC YOU
Finding Inner Peace In Your True Self.
By
Jeff Schubert
Copyright 2010 Jeff Schubert
Smashwords Edition
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Copyright © Jeff Schubert 2010
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Also by Jeff Schubert: Sharing With Angels II. A Directed Journal For Those Battling Drug Or Alcohol Addiction
Nothing in this book is intended to replace medical or other professional advice, and is meant to entertain and inspire the reader.
ACKOWLEDGMENTS
Oftentimes when I write I feel like I’m a vessel, a channel, and it is as if I am tapping into something that is beyond me. I think of it as a higher power and I would like to thank that source.
My mother’s unconditional love has been a constant life sustaining and motivating force that has seen me through dark times. I could not be the person I am without her and for that I am eternally grateful. Despite the fact that I did not pursue the path he wanted, my father has an uncanny belief and faith in me that I could do and accomplish anything. That belief gave me strength and is fortifying of who I am. To my sister Lisa, thank you for your help in proofreading and editing the book!
Steven Forrest is an astrologer whose books read like poetic wisdom. He has also done a few taped readings for me that were all meaningful. We’ve never met or spoke but I consider you a mentor. Great teachers are like stars in the night and here are some that I would like to acknowledge: Thomas Murphy, Dominic Michel, Neal Neuhaus, Penelope Canaan, Joe Douglas, and Molli Benson. I would also like to acknowledge the friends and co-workers who trusted and confided in me over the years. Some of you have anonymously made it into this book! For his leadership, dedication and inspiration in working at a group home for adolescents I want to acknowledge Bill Parrish. One friend that I will mention by name is Lynda Magarity. Lynda is no longer with us, she was such a good person, so strong, loving, supportive, and a joy to be around, and my best friend.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER 2: BIRTH, TRAUMA AND THE MYTHS WE ARE GIVEN
CHAPTER 3: THE CORE FOUR DRIVES
Death: Fear of and avoidance of it.
Blending the four drives together.
CHAPTER 4: LETTING GO OF DYING CIRCUMSTANCES
Acceptance vs. non-acceptance.
The inmates are running the asylum.
Possession is 9/10th of the law.
Getting in the way of dying circumstances.
Bragging: A tool for the insecure.
CHAPTER 5: FREE WILL - (Is free will all or nothing?)
Michael Jordan’s hall of fame speech.
Free Will Part II: The blessing and the curse of democracy.
Making the most of our career.
What we can learn from terminal illness.
CHAPTER 6: CHASING OR BEING HAUNTED BY GHOSTS PART I
Chasing or being haunted by ghosts part II.
Making your way through the distortions.
Appreciation II (antidote to entitlement).
Questions for appreciation part II.
Failure versus the idea of failure.
Criticism doesn’t mean failure.
CHAPTER 7: EMOTIONAL AND BEHAVIORAL DIET
Voluntary vs. involuntary moods and responses.
CHAPTER 8: HYPNOSIS (What it is. What it is not, and what it can do for you.)
What about instincts and intuition.
Why do we react the way that we do?
Negative emotions beget negative experiences.
Negative emotions and our evolutionary purpose.
When you can’t get over someone that person is a symbol.
Who or what determines when you are happy.
Finding inner peace in your true self.
CHAPTER 10: THE NEEDS OF THE SOUL VERSUS THE NEEDS OF THE INCARNATION
Why bother if nothing has any meaning?
I think I just figured out the meaning of life.
Thinking, reacting and the meaning of life.
Questions for Needs of the soul versus needs of the incarnation.
Journaling for Selective truths.
Questions for Meaning of life.
CHAPTER 11: THE HIDDEN MESSAGES OF AGEING
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ stages of dying and the core four.
How many catastrophic events does it take to change someone forever?
Journal and questions about this chapter.
CHAPTER 12: MEANING IN LIFE VS. PLEASURE IN LIFE
Journaling for What is your drug.
Goal oriented thinking a blessing and a curse.
CHAPTER 13: THE COUSINS OF FAITH
CHAPTER 14: FORGIVENESS (Why it is good to forgive)
CHAPTER 15: THE FLAW IN THE LAW OF ATTRACTION
Evolutionary intention trumps the law of attraction.
Overstating a point doesn’t mean that there isn’t a point. (Tom Cruise)
CHAPTER 16: LIVING IN THE MOMENT
Anticipation of negative outcomes.
Exercises for living in the moment.
Astrology, free will and your evolutionary purpose.
CHAPTER 18: AN OBJECTION TO THE CORE FOUR (When true tragedy strikes.)
CHAPTER 19: DON’T BE AFRAID OF YOUR DARK OR WEAK SIDE
CHAPTER 20: OTHER TOOLS, METAPHORS, & CONSIDERATIONS
Playing with the cards you are dealt.
If you’re like me, you might not read non-fiction books from beginning to end. Instead you look at the table of contents, zero in on something you’re interested in and go. Far be it from me to tell you not to do that here if such is your way. However, if you’re going to skip around, I would suggest reading chapter three on the core four drives first as that is a constant theme and the other chapters will make more sense. Chapter seven, on emotional diets, is also one that can be applied to the issues talked about throughout.
At the end or in the middle of certain chapters will be a series of questions designed to help you access your subconscious and inventory your thoughts and feelings. Do not second-guess yourself. Trust your instincts and go with your first thought. Please do not judge yourself, your answers, or the people that I ask about or that you write about. There is always time to do that later if you wish to after we are done. For the questions in this book, think of yourself as the detective you hired to help solve a few mysteries. These answers can be your bible, your journal or your roadmap to help figure out or better understand where you have come from and where you are going. Use it well. Lastly, answer the questions that you want, or if you can’t or do not want to answer a question write down why, or how the question makes you feel, even if it makes you feel nothing. Some parts of the material may be easier for you to digest than others. There is no rush. Sit with it. Reread a chapter before going on to the next or at a later time when circumstances in your life make it seem more relevant. If you’re enjoying the book, getting something out of it, or find it challenging, perhaps you have a friend who might feel the same and you can go through the questions together and get feedback, encouragement and support. The book can also serve as a precursor or adjunct to therapy. Another way to go through it is to read the book while ignoring the questions, and then go through the book again and stop to answer the questions the second time around. If you approach the material open and honestly it may trigger emotions and responses that you may or may not have expected. It can be powerful. It can be a launching pad for you. But I don’t know you, where you are, and what you have been through. Opening up Pandora’s box? It may not be a bad idea to have someone open it with you. Are you ready to take a look?
I have a confession to make. I am not a doctor, a psychologist or a “new age” practitioner. So a fair question is what qualifies me to write a book about life, the human psyche, the human condition, emotions, problems, and getting over them? Before I answer that please allow me to ask you a question. What do Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, Henry Ford, founder of Ford Motor company, Coco Channel, fashion/ perfume designer, Barry Diller, founder of Fox Broadcasting Company, and Simon Cowell, American Idol judge/ executive for Sony BMG, all have in common? None of them graduated from college. In fact some of these people did not graduate high school. At least I have that going for myself; I do have an undergraduate degree in psychology from the University of Denver. The traditional way might be the most common and the fastest, but it is not the only way, and may or may not be the best way for you. It has not been the path I have traveled and yet here I find myself at this destination. Now just because I can Google search the phrase “successful people who never went to college” doesn’t mean this is a good book. It does suggest that minus certain advanced credentials it can still be a very meaningful book.
Let me continue with an observation. People are born with gifts and different aptitudes for different things. Running is not something most kids train for yet if you line up ten eight year olds and have them run a fifty yard dash, one of them will finish first and one will finish last. Whether it is math, science, sports, the ability to attract the opposite sex or whatever the specific skill or trait is, all humans are not endowed equally by our creator. It serves to create a dependency on each other. Not all people can be all things. Confidence for what we can do, and perhaps humility for the things others can do that we cannot are fostered by this. Whether born or bread or born and bread, we are greater as a society for our diversity of skills and abilities. On the TV show Lost, where a plane crashed on an island it worked out well that among the survivors was a doctor, a soldier, a hunter, a carpenter, a gardener, etc. I would suggest that in many ways I am less skilled than many. If I had to make two lists with one being the things I do well and the other being things I don’t do well, the second one would be significantly longer than the first. An area where I have always done really well and I mean almost as long as I could talk, was giving advice. Further, is the ability to break down why people do the things they do, make people feel better about themselves, speak to truth without offending, and inspire. Because of my ability to do this, preceded any formal education or training, it is not something I take pride in and why I refer to it as a gift. I recall my older sister being one of my first “clients.” She would often ask me for advice about relationships with boys. At the end of one of our “sessions” she would freak out with bewilderment wondering aloud how I could know about things that I hadn’t yet experienced. Such would be the case throughout my childhood with family, friends, and friends of friends who would seek me out for advice, to talk and to be understood.
So your next question might be, “Well, Jeff, why aren’t you making a living as a psychologist or new age guru?” My response is this book isn’t about that, but it is a fair question. As a child I thought my abilities in this area were a gift and a calling. It wasn’t enough for me to help the people that came to me; I wanted to help everyone I thought needed it. In true Aquarian arrogance I believed I knew what was best for people. Of course I was wrong and my assumptions were presumptuous as well as obtrusive when I pushed my advice on those who did not want or ask for it. It became a source of frustration and realization that I couldn’t do as much as I thought. The calling was perhaps illusory, a product of my own family dysfunction, a coping mechanism and my way of creating a safe space in the world. I wasn’t sure how to go with it from there. I became isolative, which I mistook for detached, but I didn’t give up on it just yet. That didn’t happen until college where about half way through my undergraduate degree in psychology I discovered acting and a reservoir of untapped creativity that I wanted to explore. Much of my life to that point was about others while the pursuit of the arts was going to be about me and that felt good. Later I would learn more about my reasons for craving the attention of an artist and my need to help people. Again, my own and my family’s dysfunction played a role in both. Regardless of material or career success, I was being driven by certain ego needs that would have led me to a life of unhappiness if I could not accept a set of dying circumstances. Issues surrounding my youth, issues of control, my mortality, limitations and so on.
Despite my personal issues and pursuits, one constant was that when people sought me out, approached me or opened a window into themselves for me, I was and am able to make a difference. I am able to help them see things from a different perspective, make them think, inspire them and help them feel better. An early lesson for me then was to mind my own business and be there for the friends that wanted me to be there for them. I am at my most effective when authentically unattached to helping someone and when they come to me. However, frustrated and powerless in other situations.
The critical lesson here for me, and one that you can extrapolate for yourself, that I will be going more into in the book, is there was an issue the Universe put on the table for me. Learn it now, learn it later or learn it never. The Universe would give me opportunity after opportunity to learn it but it was up to me to grasp it. I could have stubbornly held on to the idea that I knew what was best for people the rest of my life. With the best of intentions, I could have continued to try to impose my will, what I thought was right for people, onto them. Seems like a simple issue to grasp. Oftentimes, other people’s issues do. The dynamics, issues and how they play out in the physical world will vary from person to person, but stubbornness, attachment, inability to let go, and being resistant rather than open to the ebb and flow of life is often at the root of stagnation in a person’s physical and spiritual life. This is not to suggest a passive approach to life that you should let life happen to you and adjust to when it says yes and no. I think life is something to be attacked and engaged on every level with clear conscious choices independent of undo influences, biases, manipulation, dysfunction, and everything, save that of the evolutionary intention of your soul. And if you do not believe in a soul, take it to mean the truest part of yourself.
Yes, there are some clear-cut right and wrongs in life but for many the question is not what is right or wrong. It is what is right or wrong for you. This book will attempt to help you find your center-- the authentic you. It will do so by examining all the things that influence and attempt to influence you from the moment of birth. Also by looking at different modalities of thought and examining different areas of life, like relationships, intimate, familial and so on. Further, how we react to concepts like attachment, control, death, faith and more. The idea is to assist you in sifting through all of that matter for you to make the best choices for you. To let go of what isn’t working in your life? In some cases, yes, but perhaps you just may want to pursue something differently. It’s like trying to escape from handcuffs. Is it impossible? You try as hard as you can-- you’re pulling so hard the vein in your forehead is about to burst, you think your hand might come off but you’re still stuck. Someone then says relax, calm yourself and pull very slowly and softly. It takes a little bit of time but then voila, you are free. So sometimes it is possible. This book is not about giving up at the first sign of resistance. You are the captain of your ship-- you have to read and react to life as it is happening to you. Get yourself to that authentic place of who you are and where you know what you want to be, where you accept not limitations necessarily but realities of your life and you go forward making informed decisions. Going against the odds is fine if you understand the magnanimity and the consequences as well as the rewards, and are doing so for reasons that are right for you and you alone.
When I was younger there was a dysfunctional twist to my pursuit of acting, in working my way through my issues I was free to pursue it without the pressure and angst of earlier years. Growing up I was the youngest in the family. I have an older brother and sister. They along with my father had pretty powerful personalities, tempers, to be more specific. They were all very controlling and when things didn’t go their way it wasn’t pretty. I became, as a therapist would later explain to me, extremely hyper vigilant. Anticipating where conflict would potentially arise between any two other members of the family, I would do my best to put out fires before they would start. It wasn’t often I would get my way and I became used to putting the needs of others before my own. Part of my desire to act was to be seen, recognized, and acknowledged. I wanted the fame. Thought I deserved it. If those were the only reasons I wanted to be an artist, when working through those issues the desire to be an artist would have dissolved. They didn’t. They’re just different and now I pursue it in spite of fame. I don’t pursue it for validation; I pursue it because it feels right and because when I’m being creative I feel alive, and that I’m in my right place. I’m talking about the true creative process. Unless you’re doing an improvisation, when you perform something for others you are replicating creativity, which is still art of course. But when you originate something for the first time, when that creative energy is coursing through you and you can feel it germinating and coming to the surface of your being as you give birth to it. That creativity is what inspires me.
My belief is that you can find inspiration within these pages. But sometimes inspiration, feeling better, can be offered as a panacea. The intent is to offer hope but sometimes hope comes at the expense of truth. Like a drug, it can feel good at the moment but if things don’t work out loss may be compounded by a sense of betrayal. Things may always workout but not always for the “better”. Supporting people, telling them what they want to hear out of sensitivity may be compassionate and may even be appropriate in the moment of a crisis. However, crises pass and denial of today become the facts of your life tomorrow. There is work to be done along the path of enlightenment. As the saying goes, “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it”. Then to get to the inspiration and to get to the feeling better we have to explore, what may be for some, dark territory. This will not be a self-help or growth book that tells you what you want hear, simplifying life and promising goal attainment if you wish it or if you follow easy steps. Seven or ten steps seem to be what is popular. The implication being that the steps can’t fail but you can. I also do not pretend that this book is perfect or has every answer for every person that might be reading it.
Let’s look at some phobias for a moment. Some people have a fear of heights, spiders, snakes, confined spaces, germs, flying, water, needles, dogs, of social situations, etc. There are a couple of points I want to make about phobias. One, they can be an inconvenience but a person who chooses to can make it through life without dealing with their phobia. However, through hypnosis or counseling, phobias can rather easily be resolved. Easy for you and me to say if we’re talking about someone else’s phobia. To the individual with the phobia, the fear they feel can be on par with what we might feel with the sight of an oncoming asteroid crashing to the earth. I slightly exaggerate to make a point. If you don’t have the fear or phobia, someone else’s may seem silly to you. What? You’re scared of Scruffy the dog? She is a harmless little Maltese. You won’t leave the shallow end of a pool? If you can swim and love dogs those phobias may not make sense. One step further-- maybe you had a phobia that you have since overcome and it now seems silly that you had it in the first place. Nonetheless, a threat real or imagined can have a profound affect on a person. Many people have an aversion to dealing with their phobias. The fear is so strong that they’d rather put it off. Besides they can become quite adept at working around it. Not dating people with dogs and avoiding swimming pools, etc. It takes courage, real courage, to face that fear or phobia. I’m going off in this direction because I want to make the comparison that dealing with your issues, reading or thinking about it, how for some, it may be like facing a fear or phobia, overcoming a trauma, a behavior pattern rooted in dysfunction or other things that we will get into later. Whatever the case, it takes a moment of courage to begin the journey and it is well worth it. Unlike a phobia that may affect one area of your life that you can work around, the things we will be focusing on affect every area of your life. In addition we will focus on how you view the world, view and judge yourself, and others. Further, how do you get on with it and how do the various influences you have been exposed to factor in? This isn’t a book that says read it and gold will find you or that you will find gold. This is a book that says read it and discover if gold is what will make you happy. If that last statement doesn’t make sense to you, think of all the rich people or famous people who thought money and fame would make them happy. It will assist you in discovering the person you are meant to be and suggest that that person isn’t very far away.
In this book I will do my best to offer inspiration, self-discovery and authenticity as destinations. Truth, breaking down the myriad of external influences, inner work and new or other perspectives to consider will be the pathway to get us there.
“For each of us awaits an unknown fate
Peach or turmoil
depends on how we relate
And if you feel like a prisoner
You
feel like you can’t let go
You may be controlled by control”
Why are you reading this book? Or at least thinking about it anyway. Curiosity? Understanding the past? Looking for answers for the present and future? These are traits of an investigator or detective. In fact, we are all natural detectives with our greatest mysteries being the meaning of life and our own place within it. The primary function of this book is not to answer all of your questions but rather to help you ask the right questions, since the wrong questions will naturally lead to the wrong and unfulfilling answers. Like a poor nutritious meal, it might taste good and fill you up for a little while but it will not sustain you. At best, a book can point you in a direction and help get you on the right path, but the real work, that you are more than capable of doing, is up to you. And you yourself, along with a higher power that you may believe in, should be where your faith resides and not in the “book of the month.” With humility I state that this book is not the next secret, but it can be the next step. Going forward sometimes means going back and understanding how we got to be at this moment in time that we find ourselves in. We need to take a look at new and old thoughts, patterns of behavior and experiences that repeat. In the pages ahead we will explore issues that follow and haunt us in an attempt to figure out the right questions, unravel some mysteries and find meaningful ways to go forward. Why? For the intention of living a meaningful actualized life in the present, living and reacting based on the moment, and who you are and what you want. Thirsty for life, meaning, love, and survival, the desert is filled with many mirages. Let’s see if we can unravel some mysteries together. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your journey.
In this first chapter I want to talk more about why we are here. No, not here as in “why does life exist on planet earth” but rather why we are involved in this book at this moment, at this time and what is its purpose. So while you’re standing, sitting in a bookstore (or wherever you might be) please indulge me for a little longer while you decide if the words that follow are right for you.
Have you ever known someone you cared about who read a book, attended a seminar and said it changed his or her life? They spoke about the experience with reverence, enthusiasm and joy. Their thoughts and feelings were genuine, and from the bottom of their hearts it was with the greatest of intentions that they share it with you. You take in what your friend is saying and maybe you buy into it or maybe you’re a little skeptical, but you do admit to yourself that your friend seems or at least sounds a little different, a little changed. Now fast forward a day, a week, a month or a year. How long did this change last? Was it permanent? Hopefully yes for some, if not many. Was it temporary? Did it fade somewhere between slightly to completely away?
In addition to books and seminars, traumatic events such as 9/11, death of loved ones, and serious illnesses seem to impact people. Epiphany moments, moments of clarity, of perspective, of what’s important; how I am versus how I want to be, do not have to be born out of tragedy. The birth of a baby, a vision quest, I had a life changing moment in an acting class. But what all of these experiences share, along with the inspirational books and seminars is an opportunity for growth, change, and an olive branch for personal evolution that you may reach out and grab. However, many, for whatever reason, be it fear, doubt, the pull of demons past, and/or a lack of knowledge of how to go forward, let go of that branch. Then the inspirational feeling or call to personal action fades as old patterns of thinking or doing return. For as many of you as possible, I don’t want this to be that kind of book. Hopefully it will inspire you to change your life in a way that adds meaning and fulfillment that you are looking for. To take active steps on a regular basis so that which you value and desire becomes integrated into your way of thinking, feeling and being. It may take effort at first before it becomes second nature. However, just as it can be challenging to get someone who never exercises to begin, it can be equally challenging to get someone who always works out to stop. What takes effort today can become like second nature if you give it a chance.
Another objective of the book is to help you discover your ability to let go of what needs letting go and find your courage to follow the direction that may be in your heart. That if you identify with anything in this book, you make it your own as opposed to it fading away after an enthusiastic conversation or two with a friend. Those old patterns of thinking and doing will fight you, and understand it is your choice as you can hold on to them for as long as you please. Nothing in this book can take them away from you, but for the next little while, if it is okay with you, let’s take a look at them together.
Patterns are tough to break. It takes action and repetition on the part of anyone trying to break a pattern. I’ll say it again; it takes action and repetition on the part of anyone trying to break a pattern. Reading a book is passive. It can inspire thought, stir up emotion, call you to action, but it is a precursor. An important one but you have to be willing to take active steps to put thoughts and inspiration in motion. Those steps will need to be repeated. Think of it this way-- the physical body requires some form of exercise to be in shape, as you cannot eat right and exercise for a year and expect health for life. So too, does the emotional and spiritual body require continual exercise to stay in shape. Of course quick fixes do happen but they should not be counted on. “Short cuts” often cost you more time and happiness than if you took the longer disciplined route. Think of what you do for a living, think of the results your customers or people you do business with have wanted from you. I became a massage therapist in large part because it was a massage therapist who relieved chronic shoulder pain I had been experiencing for over two years due to a weightlifting injury. But it took time, months, not one or two sessions. When I became a massage therapist some would expect me to be able to instantly cure them, others would put in the time and not only to receive the work they needed on the table but to do the exercises I would suggest they do at home. How many times were you able to deliver to your customers, people you do business with, what they want but not necessarily in the time frame they wanted? Now think of anything you are an expert in that you tried to explain to a friend. You had the confidence that your friend could master it because you know and understand the path. However, did your friend share that confidence? Become frustrated? Give up? Perhaps you’ve had experiences with both those friends with the patience to trust and learn and those that did not. Maybe they tried, maybe they procrastinated. There is a world of difference between procrastination and patience. Procrastination can be tied to a myriad of psychological issues. Its anxiety prevents a person from moving past a certain point.
One cause of anxiety is doubt. Inner voices of doubt don’t necessarily belong to you. No I’m not saying you’re crazy, but people of influence in our lives such as parents, siblings, teachers and insecurities deriving from too many sources to list, fill our minds with ideas of what we can and cannot accomplish. In addition, our own interpretation of past successes and failure live with us and in some cases haunt us and they shape our perception of what is and is not possible. Further, the subconscious is not always so straightforward and obvious, filling us with desires and distractions that lead us away from our true hearts desire. “I can study that second language or I can update my Facebook account.” “I can deal with my broken heart and my trust issues, or I can continue to have meaningless sex.” We may think we’re making an independent choice, but the choice or distraction may be rooted in doubt and fear. Here is another way to look at it. Advertisers spend billions of dollars to get inside your head, so that when you’re hungry you think you’re spontaneously thinking of, in this case, food. This works the same for many products, services and ideas. Repetition of messages brings results. Not that people are taking out ads against you, but repetition of negative messages, or unwanted behavior patterns over time can have a similar affect. They lead you to choices that feel authentic in the moment but in fact may or may not be true to what you really want. Only when you stare down these influences, see them for what they are, and clear your mind of them can you make clear conscious choices.
Will I succeed? Will I fail? What happens if I succeed? Am I ready to succeed? Can I really do this? How will my life change? These are questions that can play on a person’s doubts and insecurities. They can evoke angst and inaction as a result of the self-inflicted pressure of the enormity of what is being asked. In hypnosis, you bombard the client and overload them with information to put them in the hypnotic state where they are most susceptible to suggestion. This process can occur without the aid of a hypnotist. In being bombarded by external stimuli and then bombarding yourself with thoughts, as your mind races thinking about the possibilities, concerns, and issues in your life, you can self-induce a hypnotic state where your own thoughts can become suggestions that you are susceptible too. Doubts and insecurities can become deeply ingrained in this state as the pathway to your subconscious is opened. That is the bad news. The good news is if you can send yourself messages of doubt and insecurity, you can also send yourself messages of confidence and self-assuredness. (More on hypnosis later.) At first this can be challenging and we will continue to explore all the reasons that this is so but for now I am asking for a little faith. To accept that it is possible.
There is another observation about people who tend to read books like these I want to share. You tend to be harder on yourself than others. You support your family and friends by telling them not to be so hard on themselves, giving them ideas, inspiration, hope, and advising not to succumb to the past and that the future is there for them. But when it comes time to nurture, be good and supportive of yourself, it doesn’t come quite as easy. Solutions you offered to your friend are not so easy to put into play for yourself. Why? I’m reminded of the cliché, “Do as I say not as I do.” Words of advice offered on how one should live life, even though the advice giver falls short of acting on the wisdom being bestowed upon another. It is easier to see and advise others on the affairs of their lives than it is to spot things in our own lives and then harder still to act upon them. We see what we want to see or perhaps what our subconscious wants us to see, or thinks we are emotionally capable of seeing. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Give yourself permission to be as good to yourself as you are to others. Accept that you are worth it. Say that you are worth it. If you are having a difficult time mustering up the faith in what I’m saying here because “my doubts are real”, or “the positive message crap is forced or phony”, I don’t know you, but what I can say is the doubts and the negative messages both internal and external may have been hitting you for years from people and directions, (even perhaps yourself) that you haven’t always been able to identify. It can take more time than one positive feeling or thought session to overcome it, but others have overcome it, and you can overcome it if you are open to it. If you are willing to let go of some things and have faith in the process, and most importantly, in yourself.
Understand that at different points of personal growth the resistance you may feel is natural. Regardless of our background, for many of us, change is scary. Do not be fooled if you are someone who is afraid of commitment or are someone who constantly changes. For you, stability represents the change that you may fear. Systems theory in psychology states that when one part of a system changes, other parts will exert equal and opposite pressure to keep the system the same. For example, in systems theory you would not see just a child for therapy, you would see the whole family. Why? Because whatever advances you make with the child in a session would be nullified when you return him to the same unchanged home environment that possess’ the same triggers that system theory suggests contribute or reinforce the child’s behavior. However, an individual in and of him or herself is also a system. Therefore the mere act of taking steps toward change may trigger subconscious mechanisms or thoughts of your own that are designed to sabotage any potential change you are trying to make. That is in addition to possible peer pressure from friends and family that might work to keep you in the same place. Generally, we are comfortable with the dynamics of our relationships. Many of you reading this may be shaking your head (some vigorously) that you are definitely not comfortable with the dynamics of your relationships. Maybe you think you give too much in relationships and that you’re viewed as a friend not a lover. Far worse-- you are abused. No matter the form, the idea is that there are patterns in some to all of your friendships, or intimate relationships, or familial, that repeat and that you are not happy with. I do not disagree with this. However I would suggest that subconsciously you might be doing something to enable these relationships. People take abuse because they fear confrontation, being alone or have a low self worth. Of course most people don’t say, “Hey I’m going to go out and meet someone who will abuse me or mistreat me” but yet we see it happen again and again. Communication occurs on many levels, verbal, non-verbal, conscious, unconscious, and for those who believe, karmic. Now, whether you want to call it karmic life lessons or self sabotage, if you find yourself falling into the same traps in relationships over and over again though you’d swear you’re not seeking these people out, know there is some mechanism in place that triggers the unwanted dynamic. Eliminate the mechanism and you will not activate the trigger, thus eliminating the dynamic. Another objective of the book is to help you find that mechanism or trigger.
Aside: I took a class in college that talked about parenting skills and how likely children are to grow up and parent as they were parented regardless of what they thought of their parents. Kids who were abused were more likely to abuse, neglected children were more likely to neglect and so forth. One of my favorite movies growing up, The Breakfast Club contains a scene where they talked about this very idea. “Will we become like our parents?” The response in the movie is “Yes, it’s unavoidable, somewhere along the way the heart just becomes cold.” Great movie, but not exactly correct. Back to my college class, there are two ingredients to parent differently than your parents. One is the desire to parent differently and the other is knowledge on how to parent differentially. Unless you have taken courses on parenting, read books or perhaps talked to other parents, when presented with parenting situations your only real point of reference is how you were parented, and that is what you may inevitably fall back on. However, if you learn alternative parenting techniques, so that when particular situations present themselves, you will have alternative ways for responding and give yourself a conscious choice to be the same or to be different. A third variable is subconscious mechanisms that effect how you feel about yourself, your child and spouse or person you may be raising the child with. Okay, so, say you have the desire to be different. Now we’re going to put you in the role of a twenty one year old parent. You attend a seminar. Everything makes sense in the out-of-context textbook, and perfect examples are presented in the seminar. Maybe you even broke up into small groups and did some improvising and had some laughs with it. It is still a one-day seminar versus a lifetime of experiences and your reflexes may revert back to what they are familiar with. This is not to put down you or the seminar, just to remind you to be patient. Another example is to pretend you’re a tennis player and you’re using the same racquet and hitting a forehand the same way for years. All of a sudden someone tells you there is a better racquet and better way of hitting forehands. Wanting to get better you make the switch. However, reflexively, especially in times of stress, you’ll probably go back to hitting that forehand the way you are used to until you hit it that new way over and over again. Whatever reactions you have, whether it be as a parent, child, friend or a lover, those reactions and the way you interact with others are wired into you as a result of years of behavioral interactions, socialization, genetics, etc. They do not budge so easily. More than just logic and reason, more than you just understanding on an intellectual level, it will take effort on your part for changes to become your new reflex.
Another example, I studied Tae Kwon Do in college and in the very first class I took the instructor lectured to us. It’s been a while but he said something like this, “The most advanced computer on the face of the earth is the human brain. And what happens when it gets confronted with a violent situation? It goes blank. My job is to program your brains so that if you get attacked you respond automatically, because if you have to think, guess what? It’s too late, you’re unconscious.” He went on to say that you can’t learn martial arts from a book or a seminar, and that you have to do it over and over again so that it becomes instinctive. In other words, “wax on, wax off.” I will say the part about our brains going blank I would not fully agree with. Maybe some people learned how to fight on their own, that may or may not be effective, maybe some people would react by running. If I fought back as a child I would do something like hold my breath, close my eyes and swing my arms like I was struggling not to drown.
We all have our default reactions to people and situations based on our programming up to that point. I use the word “programming” because each and every action and interaction from birth to the current moment that has you reading this book has the energy behind it to affect your programming. It affects who you are, how you react and interact to old and new people and situations. Because it happens “naturally” we don’t think of it as programming but nonetheless that is the effect it can have. One of the things I have to remind friends who come to me for advice is that not everyone loves the way they do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the expression, “If he loved me he’d do or say…” Maybe or maybe not depending on the situation and the person’s background. It is not always clear-cut. Part of my mother’s definition of love is to insanely worry about people she cares about. She does not understand how if you love someone, how could you not worry the way she does. It’s just how she, my grandmother and great grandmother are/were wired.
It is not an accident that we are the way we are. Books like these are designed to assist you in having more conscious awareness of these processes so that you may keep what you like, discard what you do not, and embrace and reinforce new ways if you so choose.
A few pages ago I said, “Generally, we are comfortable with the dynamics of our relationships.” Perhaps conditioned to accept is better phrasing. For there may be aspects that we like, dislike, are comfortable and uncomfortable with. The idea here is to encourage you to bring the dynamics in play out of the subconscious and into the conscious. To understand how you work, what makes you tick, pushes your buttons and why; to unravel the mystery that is you.
A metaphor I have offered to many is to imagine two people buying the exact same car on the same day. One person drives his car “normally”, doesn’t push it too hard, changes the oil every three thousand miles, takes it in for routine maintenance every fifteen thousand miles and so on. The other person drives his car like he is Jeff Gordon and never takes the car in unless there is problem. In essence he is driving it into the ground. Okay so which car do you think will drive better or last longer? The second guy might have a lot of fun for the first 50,000 miles (if he doesn’t kill himself or anyone else) but what about after that? I’m not saying you have to drive or live like Grandma Annie, but maintenance is an ongoing life long deal. Not something you squeeze in when you can if for no other reason than to do better at all of those other things you think are more important than taking care of yourself. A car well maintained and taken care of can last for hundreds of thousands of miles. One that is not? Unknown, but not nearly as long.
In the chapters ahead I will discuss and attempt to engage you in matters of the heart, mind and soul, and address why we are the way we are and how to get to our authentic selves. Certain ideas and concepts will come up and be presented more than once as we go forward. They will be talked about from different and sometimes similar angles to illustrate and emphasize their importance. Each example will attempt to re-enforce the prior and lay the groundwork for the present and future.
In a way this is a journey with a mysterious destination. For as we uncover the mysteries of ourselves we may choose to shed some things and embrace others that we never thought we would. It’s exciting, maybe a little scary and courageous on your part to take these steps. What lies ahead are self-discovery, choices and decisions that are up to you. Honor to the journey.
Déjà vu
There is safety and security
And peace in the darkness
Nothing disturbs you
And all feels right
Then chaos ensues
And all is bright
Fear envelops you
Tears scream out of your eyes
Happy birthday
Today you are born
CHAPTER 2
BIRTH, TRAUMA AND THE MYTHS WE ARE GIVEN
I’ve never met you and yet I can tell you what the most shocking and traumatic event in your life has been. Your birth. Being forced from the womb, metaphorically from non-existence to existence. They say don’t wake a sleepwalker as it can be disorienting. Dizziness can be disorienting too. Whether you like it or not, the first moment of being surprised, startled or scared can light your senses on fire. How do we respond? With curiosity. We are wired in many ways, curiosity, our innate desire to discover and to learn, is one such way. We are natural explorers of our environment. Yet, we quickly learn that some things feel good and others bad. Our internal response to pain can be to become adverse to the unknown. Good or bad, the known (as we define it) starts to feel safe, and the unknown?… not so much. We all tend to be biased toward what and who we know or are familiar with. We are survivors first and foremost and will gravitate to the people and experiences that will help us survive. The first thing most of us do, in a conscious or unconscious way, in a new situation is to try to get our bearings. Try to figure out where we are, who are the other players, what is our role and how we fit in. What are the rules of survival, and how to get along and thrive? Life is constantly about making sense of things, processing, feeling, and using our instincts, emotions and our brains to utilize information to move forward. But in what direction? What determines our knowns and unknowns? From the trauma of birth, to our friends, goals, hopes and dreams, what determines how we pursue them? What is our level of happiness, and fulfillment?
Yes we enter the world with a genetic blueprint, however, as babies we are completely dependent creatures. We want, we long, and we hunger for sustenance, physical contact, love, information and answers. However, in addition to curiosity and longing for answers there is also a rebellious side to our nature. A side that wants to assert its individuality. There is a fearful side that in part motivates our curiosity. To curb, or to at least keep our individuality in check, and to allay our fears, we are given myths. Many times these myths are given with love and the best of intention, other times as a convenient way to attempt to control, or finally, it is simply a robotic response passing on to children what has been past down for generations. For the purposes of the detective, at this time, intent is irrelevant. We are merely seeking truth. Hence, as we grow we are lead to believe that to be happy, to fulfill our longing, we have to buy into certain myths we are conditioned to believe. Even if we escape the “mainstream”, counterculture has a culture. So we take to them, adapt and integrate the collective speak into our individual psyche to make sense of things for ourselves, forming a sense of self that is similar in some ways to those around us yet unique as well, and off we go in our pursuit.
A sampling of well-intended myths include “When you grow up you can be anything you want to want to be.” “In the end, justice always prevails.” “If you will it, the Universe will bring it to you.” Again, these among others are not handed down with malice and in many cases they can turn out to be true, but in many other cases they will not. They are designed to inspire, prepare, to give meaning and help condition us for a life that we don’t always understand. How are we to function as individuals? In a group? In society? Questions that begin in childhood can follow, guide or haunt us throughout our life. We are animals. With animal instincts. Fight. Flight. Survival. Food. Sleep and procreation. Nature instills these drives in us to perpetuate our existence. As we evolved, for the mutual benefit of all and to become the dominant species, humanity began to work together as best as animals could to form cultures and societies. Part of doing that involved curbing animal instincts. Conditioning, or training if you will. However, doubts, questioning our own abilities, frustration, and resistance to attempts at conditioning are all natural thoughts, feelings and reactions to experience while growing up. These myths mentioned are tools to help keep us in line and motivate us to think that the Universe is fundamentally good, and that good things will happen to us if we are good. There will be a payoff and our rewards will be a life of meaning, wish fulfillment and perhaps most important a grand afterlife. If we deviate from the path and get out of line, we get into trouble. Whether it is our parents, governments, churches, the media, or books like these, everyone has the key to Valhalla, the map back to Eden. Materialism, spiritualism, new ageism-- pick a paradigm. I have my ideas how to get there and one question I have asked myself along my journey is would I rather take an easy path to nowhere or a hard path to get to where I really want to go? Would I rather convince myself of lies and half- truths to feel better for the moment, to mask the truth only to regret it on my deathbed? Or, would I prefer to seek truth no matter where it took me? The question reminds me of dueling clichés: “The unexamined life is not worth living” and “Ignorance is bliss.” Which is it? Which is it for you? Are there times when they can both be right? So much of what we claim to know is still unknown. Invite in who you will, learn, grow, be humble, but ultimately your journey is yours alone. Feel what is right for you, live your life in your own shoes-- they are the ones that fit.