TwiLITE
A Parody
By Sue Knott
©2008 by Theresa Fleig
Smashwords Edition
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Published by Theresa Fleig
All characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to any real persons, living, dead or undead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
The book is in no way associated with the popular novel it attempts to lampoon. Ms. Meyer did not write, sanction or in any way approve this parody. (We sincerely hope she does not wish to thrash us.) Nor is this parody in any way associated with Ms. Meyer’s esteemed publisher.
TwiLITE: A Parody/by Sue Knott – 4th edition, 2012
(First Electronic Edition: December 2008)
She seems to have an invisible touch.
Yeah. It takes control and slowly tears you apart.
Genesis 19:86
Preface
I’d given a lot of thought to how I would like to die. And this was probably going to be as close to perfect as I could get.
I was going to die a noble death. Saving my boyfriend and his family, who were all already dead, from the threat of a second death…or at least from a good thrashing. How could you get any nobler than that?
And the guy crossing the room to kill me? He was a sadistic nutcase who was going to film the whole thing so my undead boyfriend and his undead family could see for themselves how truly noble I was.
The killer smiled as he approached. And I smiled back…straight into the camera…whispering “Edward, I love you” with just the right amount of longing, bravery and selflessness.
Edward Sullen was to die for. And that was exactly what I was about to do.
First Sigh
My mother drove me to the airport with the windows down. It was sunny. It was beautiful. It was Phoenix, damn it. One of the most awesome cities anywhere. We had great weather. Sure, I was so pale I’d fry like a wiener on a grill after just five minutes outside, but that’s not the point. The point was that Phoenix was incredible. All the kids were cool. They wore the right clothes. Phoenix had all the coolest stores.
Obviously I have too much maturity to care about wearing the right clothes, but you need to know that the other kids in Phoenix do wear the right clothes. If you didn’t know this, how could you begin to understand all the great stuff I was giving up by leaving Phoenix? Phoenix was “all that,” or at least that’s what I’d call it if the woman writing my dialogue wasn’t practically middle aged.
But, to get back to the part about leaving Phoenix, that’s exactly what I, Bella (which means “beauty, belle, sweetheart”) Swoon was about to do. Leave the awesomeness of Phoenix for the gruesomeness of Forks.
Forks was the opposite of Phoenix. Phoenix was a big city. Forks was a small town. Phoenix was sunny and warm. Forks was rainy and cold. (It was in Washington State, for crying out loud!) My zany, fun-loving mother lived in Phoenix. My boring, law-enforcing father lived in Forks. Phoenix began with the “f” sound. Forks began with an actual friggin’ “F.”
Yet, as miserable as Forks was, I, Bella Swoon, was voluntarily banishing myself there. It’s true. I was making this inhumanly tortuous choice as a selfless sacrifice to my mother’s happiness. That’s the kind of girl I am. Selfless to the core.
You see, my mother married a hottie. She was staying home with me instead of traveling with him. So I volunteered – no, I insisted – on going to live with my father in Forks so my mother could go on the road with her hot, new husband.
That’s the kind of girl I am. You’d think someone as selfless as me would have a really, really close BFF, but I don’t. Maybe that’s because my mom is my best friend, even if I don’t tell her anything about what’s really going on in my life. I mean, best friend or not, she’s still my mother.
To make a long opening a little more tolerably short, I was damning myself to veritable exile in a veritable Siberia.
When I arrived in Forks it was raining. (Of course, duh!) I had a long, dreary, two-hour ride to my new home. (Forks really puts the “back” in “backwoods.”) But, fortunately, the ride was the perfect length to reveal that I was really, really clumsy. As faults go, it’s a rather charming one, don’t you think? And it will come in handy in such a very short while – but, I’m getting ahead of myself.
I went to bed early that first night because I was sooo dreading the next day – which would be my first day at Forks High School. You know how catty high school girls can be. And it was a small town, so everyone would be staring at me. It was going to be just awful. Just like everything in Forks was just awful. Man, I’m majorly selfless.
I drove to school the next day in the very big, very old pick-up truck my father (whom I call “Charlie” behind his back, to establish the fact that I’m not a total dweeb) gave me. Of course, it was really cloudy and really rainy. (I’m rather obsessed with describing the weather. The only thing I like better than weather descriptions is hot-guy descriptions. But, again, I’m getting ahead of myself.)
I parked my pick-up in the lot and noticed that all the other cars were beat up just like mine – except one. So, there’d be at least one desirable rich kid for me to befriend, even though I am sooo totally not into that kind of thing. I mean, I would never seek out such a person on purpose. Status means nothing to me. Wealth means nothing to me. I just happen to mention these things in case they mean something to you. After all, you’re all, like, a bunch of snobby, self-centered, materialistic brats reading this, aren’t you? If you haven’t noticed, that’s the audience I’m writing for. And that’s why my love interest will soon be revealed to be the superhumanly hot, smart, sexy and rich.
Let’s get back to my first day at school. I sloshed around to my first several classes. They weren’t going to be too hard because my much-better school back in my much-better hometown of Phoenix had already covered most of the material looong before this. Plus, let’s get real; I was a lot smarter than these small-town simpletons.
Pretty much the only things that happened all morning were that I was hit on by a geek and some mousy girls sort of befriended me. So, at least I had someone to sit with at lunch…even if they were all drastically beneath me. (Did I say that? No, I didn’t. You inferred it from all my implications.)
But, at lunch, everything changed. There were these three drop-dead gorgeous guys. And, get this – they were all brothers and had two drop-dead gorgeous sisters! And better yet, this family, the Sullens, was sitting off to the side all by themselves. No one in this insane school wanted anything to do with them! (Can you say, “small-town cretins?”) And, did I mention, these siblings were the finest hotties you have ever seen in your life? Even the kids in Phoenix weren’t this hot!
And it just kept getting better. One of these hunks – Edward Sullen – stared straight at me. Like, he was so definitely interested. And next class…SURPRISE…he was my lab partner! Who would’ve seen that one coming?
But, then it got weird. I mean, just a few minutes before this guy had been all fascinated with me. And in lab class, it’s like he hated me! He was sitting as far away from me as he could – as if I actually smelled! And I don’t smell. (I know for a fact even my s#@t doesn’t stink.)
After lab, this really cute guy, Surfer Dude, walked me to my next class. (Gym, ugh! I hate gym. Doesn’t that so make you feel a connection with me?) And Surfer Dude was originally from L.A., making him much cooler than all the inbred locals. He was pretty much fawning all over me, too. I liked him. (Finally, someone in Forks I could actually like.)
Then, when I went to the school office at the end of the day, Edward Sullen was there – and he was trying to get out of the lab class we had together! And even though Edward had a magical way of charming every single teacher and administrator to do his bidding, the one and only thing he was not able to do at that school was to get out of that class. (It’s like I lead a blessed life.)
Can you believe what a horrible day I had? I mean, all the girls who tried to be friendly were boring cretins. The one super-gorgeous guy who was making eyes at me (but who NO ONE likes) decided to hate me (ME!) for no reason. And a dweeb and a really cute, really cool guy both made moves on me. I fought back tears the whole drive home.
Open Mouth
The next few days of school were BOR-ING. I made some friends. Surfer Dude, who turned out to be the most popular guy at school, kept following me around and drooling over me like an eager puppy. It continued to rain the entire time. I continued to be really klutzy and really embarrassed every single moment. Oh…and we got to establish the fact that I’m a great cook as well as smart, sought-after, and just so incredibly selfless.
The biggest reason school was boring, though, was that Edward did not show up. Do you know how infuriating that is? Always looking over at his lunch table and all the Sullen siblings are there, but no Edward? This was all the more exasperating since I figured out that Edward Sullen was not only gorgeous, his family was rich and wore designer clothes (from real designers, not just the “it” stores at the mall). With no one truly interesting staring at me (you can’t count Surfer Dude on account of his IQ), it was just dull, dull, dull.
Finally, Edward Sullen showed up at school again. He was right there at lunch, staring at me. I had half a mind to go up to him and yell at him for being interested, then being all not interested, then being interested again, then not showing up. I was really perturbed. I was ready to pick any stupid little fight with Edward that I could. I mean, even though I am super mature, I’m not above acting like a toddler who pushes the boy she likes down in the mud. Maturity only goes so far when it comes to romance. (At least, that’s as far as I can figure out that it goes.)
I know you’re just dying to find out what happened when I got to lab class. (So was I!) Well, Edward Sullen was friendly! And he practically forced me to tell him my whole sad tale of how I banished myself to this near-Siberia just so my mother could be with her almost-famous new husband.
And get this: Edward Sullen found me difficult to read. Can you believe that? Me, the most transparent girl in the universe! But, it’s true. He even said so in the following actual, word-for-word encounter:
Gorgeous Edward: “I find you very difficult to read.”
Silly Me: “You must be a good reader then.”
Huh? Did you understand that exchange? I’ve been trying to figure it out myself. I think I told him he must be a good reader just to make him feel good. I mean, he can’t read me – and everyone can read me. I guess, in addition to being selfless, I’m very kind.
And when I left school that day, Edward Sullen was watching me leave! Doesn’t that just give you goose bumps? My goose bumps were so big, it almost looked like I had tits! (Though, if he insisted on watching me from behind, I was going to have to get some Spanx®. I wonder if they come in brown plaid flannel?)
Faux Human On
Okay, like the next day I woke up and it had snowed. I’d never seen snow before in person in my life, but I was not about to get all excited about it. (Which is funny, because later you will learn that I am really into white, sparkly, beautiful things.) Why bother taking in the beauty of snow when it’s nothing more than a big, stupid pain in the butt? You’d never have to put up with this kind of hardship in Phoenix.
I’d have spent more time mentally cussing about the snow, but instead I concentrated on analyzing every single second of the time I’d spent “with” (meaning in viewing distance of) Edward Sullen. Fortunately, we hadn’t spent much time together, so today wouldn’t be hard – but who knows how much mental energy Edward was going to cost me, like, by the end of the week?
It was so slippery out! “Clearly today was going to be nightmarish!!!” That’s an actual quote…well, except for the exclamation points. But, like that’s how I react to things. First time I see fresh snow, I think, “nightmare.” Wouldn’t you? I can’t imagine another teenager anywhere having to deal with the terrible experiences I had to deal with. I mean, slippery frickin’ snow!
Charlie Swoon (aka, my dad) had gotten up early and put chains on my tires so my truck wouldn’t slide all over the road. I know that’s pretty caring and selfless, but I think I’ll still call him Charlie behind his back anyway.
Well, I know you are sooo worried about me, but relax. Through some miracle I made it all the way across the driveway to my truck -- without falling!
When I got to school, Edward was, of course, standing in the parking lot gawking at me. I got out of my truck and bent over real far (to check out my new chains, of course) and that’s when it happened. Tywad’s van was spinning out of control and heading right for me! An adrenaline rush made my brain work faster and absorb every detail…but it didn’t make my body move at all. I just stood there staring through my legs beneath my sexily raised butt, observing the van coming at me in brilliant detail.
First thing I know, whomp, I’m knocked to the ground – by Edward Sullen! He had been car lengths away and somehow he got to me and knocked me out of the van’s way without anyone seeing. Far as I can calculate, he must have been moving at the speed of light. And yet, being hit by his granite-hard body moving at the speed of light, I was still conscious and in one piece! (Do you think the movie will be able to make this more believable?)
Then, just to really put the icing on the cake, the van spun around and was coming at me again and Edward stopped it with his bare hands, lifting the van up and crunching its side in the process.
Of course, I immediately picked a fight with Edward. Isn’t that what you’d do? I haven’t grown emotionally in practically a decade. Plus, Edward was doing all these superhuman things and he wasn’t telling me how he could do them. How could I be expected to put up with that?!!! Would any spoiled, immature, materialistic, modern teen put up that kind of nonsense? I doubt it. I’m sure any other girl (without my nobleness, selflessness, or superior intellect) would have, like, stabbed Edward or something.
Before I go any further, there are a couple fine points here you should be thinking about. First, when Edward knocked me over, he pinned me to the ground protecting my body with his. Picture that. He’s pressing down on top of me, whispering in my ear asking me if I’m all right! Cool huh? I get to be in a compromising “bad girl” position without actually compromising my integrity. (This tricky writing is pure authoring genius, don’t you think?)
But, of course I was furious with Edward. He was superhuman and he would not admit it. Can you imagine? I knew he was superhuman! I saw him be superhuman! Sure, I took a good knock to my head, but it’s far more likely that Edward is superhuman and that I survived a light-speed collision than that I was imagining things.
And stupid Charlie told my mother that I was in an accident! And he hovered over me even though I was perfectly fine! How much was I supposed to have to put up with?! If I wasn’t hot for Edward Sullen, who knows how I would have managed to survive through this hell? (Okay, Edward’s super-hot father, Dr. Sullen, was a nice bonus. With my penchant for Emergency Room visits, I’d be sure to be seeing his amazing pectorals on a regular basis. Woot! Woot!)
Inbitetations
Fortunately, after all the hoopla from the accident, it didn’t’ take me long to get back into the swing of things at school. I picked fights with Edward every time I saw him. Then I lusted after him in between picking fights.
It wasn’t a bad life except that I was invited to the school dance by, like, practically every boy in school. Do you know how much aggravation it is to turn down multiple invites without hurting anyone’s stupid feelings? I had to invent a trip to Seattle for myself. I was driving all the way to freakin’ Seattle just so I didn’t have to break anyone’s heart. (There’s that selflessness again.)
Edward, of course, vacillated (“vacillated” means bounced back and forth…I know that’s a pretty big word for a Twilight fan, but you learn something new every day. Or, you would if you didn’t waste your time reading novels without one single shred of interesting information or even the tiniest bit of insight into the human condition.)
So, anyway, Edward vacillated between telling me I should stay away from him and putting me in situations where he could have a laugh at my expense. Can you see what’s happening here? Edward has the same level of emotional immaturity as I do! We were made for each other! I could imagine us emotionally abusing each other for the rest of our lives.
Of course, all of Edward’s teasing made me seriously think about smashing my truck into his shiny, silver Volvo. Doing that might set a bad example, but seriously thinking about it should be okay, shouldn’t it? I mean, how else am I going to let you guys know that I am as petty and vindictive as your average teen even though I am so, so, so far above average? I want all of you to be able to relate to me. (Yes, I’m talking to you, dear readers; I know you randomly destroy property to express your emotions)
And, guess what? Edward asked to drive me to Seattle! (And then he warned me to stay away from him again. That was going to difficult. His Volvo was only so big.)
Blood Hype
The next day was a blur. I spent the whole morning thinking about how Edward Sullen, the most gorgeous creature on the planet, had asked to drive me to Seattle. Now, even though I had no trouble believing Edward was superhuman, I did have trouble believing him inviting me to Seattle wasn’t just a dream. Seriously! I’m just a stupid teenager, so the former is waaay more believable than the latter. (“Former” means the first thing and “latter” means the thing after that.)
Of course, I was super excited to get to the cafeteria and have Edward gawk at me the entire lunch period. But, when I got there he wasn’t sitting at his table. Then I saw him sitting all by himself and he wanted me to sit with him!!!! Of course I did sit with him. I had already been nice enough to the dweebs I’d been sitting with. A girl can only be nice for so long.
During lunch I bugged him about being superhuman and he tricked me into telling him one of my theories. He said that no, he wasn’t an ancient Greek god or fathered by Adonis. (Guess I can’t count, that’s TWO theories he tricked me into telling him…or, at the very least, one and a half.) He seemed to think that was funny. He said it was dangerous for us to be friends, so we agreed to be friends. I picked my usual fight with him. (Aren’t you supposed to be eternally annoyed with the man you love? That’s certainly what you’d determine from observing married couples.)
Edward ditched biology lab. That turned out to be smart because we had to prick our fingers and test our blood type in class. I got nauseous. The smell of blood makes me nauseous. Edward claims people can’t smell blood, but I can. I had to go to the nurse’s office. Surfer Dude was walking me there, but Edward intercepted us and picked me up and carried me. (Did you get that? He picked me up and carried me! All the way across campus! Just like I was a sack of potatoes. Only, he carried me with a lot more reverence than you’d carry a sack of potatoes. It was more like he held me like I was the tenderest, juiciest, most desirable steak in the world…or, at least, a package of fine, freshly dug fingerlings. ) He even drove me home when I was feeling better. Surfer Dude was sooo jealous. I’ll bet all the girls in school were jealous, but they’re too snobby to admit it. I don’t know why I bother being nice to those stuck-up bitches.
Heap Big Scary Story
That weekend I went to the beach at La Push, the Indian reservation, and Edward went camping with his family. I asked Charlie about the spot that Edward was camping at and he said it was full of bears. Fortunately, I’m much too ditzy to worry about Edward’s family getting attacked by bears. (Which is kinda funny because once I find out they are, like, invincible, I get all worried about them getting attacked by something else.)
The beach at La Push was beautiful. It was a sunny day. Surfer Dude was all smiling at me and trying to grab my butt whenever I accidentally wiggled it in his face. (I had to get my money’s worth out of those Spanx®, didn’t I?) Some of the other beautiful girls were glowering at me. (They hated me for no reason. Sure, I had no use for them, and I’d ditched everyone at lunch as soon as I had a better offer…but I hardly knew them, so I don’t know how they could hate sweet, selfless me.)
As we ate lunch around the campfire, I sat next to Angelina, which was perfect cuz I didn’t have to talk to her. She was happy just sitting there. It was great not having to make chit-chat with the stupid Forks girls. It was much better when they just sat there like a bump on a log.
Some kids from the Indian reservation came by. One of them was Je’ache. His father was the one who sold Charlie my truck. We used to go fishing together when we were kids, though I really didn’t remember Je’ache. Unless someone was a drop-dead gorgeous guy, I really couldn’t be bothered remembering their name.
Je’ache seemed to know the Sullens and indicated that they weren’t welcome on the reservation. I asked him to go for a walk with me. I figured I’d been selfless and noble long enough and it was about time that I used someone. Heck, Je’ache was young, vulnerable, and a member of a second-class ethnic group. He didn’t even go to my school. He was ripe for abuse.
I turned on all my charm, flirting shamelessly to pry information out of him. And it worked! (Who knew I was so sexy?) He told me the tribal lore. The tribe mainly felt that they were descended from werewolves…though Je’ache had some French Indian in him…probably not enough to make him a werepoodle, but enough to make him spell his name all Frenchie. Anywhoo, the tribe believed the Sullens were vampires! That explained everything. Dang, you want to know something supernatural, ask an Indian. (Heck, if there were any black kids at my school, I’m sure they would be lazily eating fried chicken all day. But, since we had the Indians, the book was already multicultural enough. And besides, I wasn’t sure it should be “black” or “Black.” “Indian” is easy, it’s always capitalized.)
Nightmire
That night I dreamed that I watched myself dream. In the dream I was watching myself have in my dream, Je’ache turned into a werewolf determined to save me from Edward, the vampire. But, when I woke up (from the dream I was watching myself have in my real dream, not from my real dream), I could not bring myself to be afraid of Edward – even though he told me I should fear him.
But, why should I bother avoiding or fearing Edward? He was hot. I’d die for him. So, did it really matter if dying for him also meant dying by his hand (or mouth, the thought of Edward sucking at my neck just seemed soooo right).
I looked up “vampires” on the Internet and found one reference for good vampires. There! Why should I worry?
Even if Edward was a little dangerous, did that matter so much? People chowed down on yummy steak and fries and hot fudge sundaes all the time. They knew it was going to kill them, but it was too good to resist. Same with Edward. Case closed.
What girl wouldn’t want to be in my place? Edward Sullen was hotter than hot. He was rich. He drove way too fast. He had superhuman strength. Every girl wanted him. And he was bad. Evil even. It was like he was Superman only wearing a black leather jacket and riding a crotch rocket. How cool was that?
At school on Monday I agreed to go dress shopping with some of the girls, even though one of them was the sexy blonde who hated me. I cleverly arranged for Surfer Dude to pay attention to Josie. After all, Josie was the closest thing I had to a friend. And I had no use for Surfer Dude as long as Edward was around. And Josie adored Surfer Dude. Wasn’t that a kind, noble thing to do? And hopefully I would get Surfer Dude off my back. Dodging advances was such hard work, after all.