Elias in Maryland
By Patient D____
Copyright 2011 Dr. Yves d'Ami
Smashwords Edition
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CHAPTER ONE
Alas, Elias – you see?
Naked ladies! They’re all over the place! There’s hair and freckles and skin, sunburned or brown. So many ladies naked and smiling and my brother’s got his eyes all goggling. It’s Big Ray’s house, I know it, but Big Ray isn’t here. Little Ray’s face is all red and hot and he covers it with his hands, so I do the same. Little Ray knows what to do.
When I spread my hands to take a peek, me and Little Ray are in a big green meadow. There’s no edge to this land of summer, a big bowl curving up to blue. Little Ray has a dandelion in his hands and the top is bobbing. He holds it out to me and crams it by my face.
“See this buttercup? It’s magic, wanna try?”
I nod.
“It knows if you like butter. It’ll turn your chin yellow.”
Ray holds the flower under my chinny and I ask, “Is it yellow?” and he says hold on, hold on. He’s smashing the flower into my face and he’s smiling big and he nods and says yeah yeah you like butter.
2
Mr. Epiro dipped into a doorway that Elias had always assumed was a janitor’s closet, considering the plaque on the door read ‘Supplies’. Elias slowed to a stop before the door as it clicked shut. He didn’t want to open the door on a grown man hiding among light bulbs and mop buckets. If Mr. Epiro had gone into the closet on accident, Elias didn’t want to be the one to place attention on the Manager’s innocent mistake. But worse would be if Mr. Epiro had ducked into the closet on purpose and was either trying to avoid Elias. Or he was simply a madman.
If he’s a madman, Elias thought to himself, and he has expensive tastes, then he’s really only an eccentric. And that’s all right. If he’s trying to avoid me, then he thinks I am a powerful person that needs to be avoided. And so I should bring him out in the open to confront him! Elias smiled at this and then he frowned. Or maybe he’s testing me and every minute I waste is a minute I fail! Elias lunged for the knob of the door, swung it open and exclaimed ‘Sir!’
But where he expected to see a shelf of light bulbs, he saw zumming fluorescents. Where he expected to see mop buckets and jugs of soap, he saw a metal railing. And where he expected to see the back wall of a closet and a grown man cowering; he saw a set of steel stairs going down and down. From somewhere below he heard a singing in time to the echoes of ringing metallic footsteps:
Um Boom Bah Bay
Um Boom Bah Bay
Um Um Boom Bah Bay Bay
3
“Do you know who Dale Epiro is?” Paul asked.
“Are you changing the subject already?” Elias wanted to know more about Paul’s Big Trip.
“Well you should. Because he’ll be here soon. If you’re smart, you’ll get my job.”
Elias blushed and smiled. “But I’m only a Manager Trainee. What about Mary Ann? She’s been here way longer.”
“You’ve been here a year anna half. And she doesn’t speak. Not to us or even the customers. One of the requirements to being a Branch Manager is the ability to speak. I think.”
“But I don’t know if I’m ready, if I have the experience.”
Paul grimaced. “I can tell you’re ready because you’re not making plans like me. You’re the type management craves.”
“Wow. That’s generous of you to say,” Elias said, feeling flattered.
“I’m not flattering you, you simp! Now, if you want the job – learn a few things about Epiro and kiss his ass. He eats that up. Offer him a little hot dog,” Paul said, stifling a laugh.
“What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t get it.”
“Do your research.”
Paul squeaked away from the lunch table and stood. “I’d like to know you’ll have the job Elias. I’ll imagine your sad smiling face here while I’m floating amongst the islands and the waves on the other side of the globe.”
“It’d be an honor,” Elias said, smiling. “Especially for the pay increase.”
Paul walked to the door and turned back to Elias as he pushed out of the break-room. “Better start saving now.”
As the door shut, the refrigerator turned on and filled the room with a tiny hum.
“For what?”
4
Elias learned all he could about Dale F. Epiro, Area Manager. He got most of it from the Adventure Rental Employee Folder – a short personal bio that Mr. Epiro had written himself told Elias that the man was fifty-three years old and worked at Adventure Rental for thirteen years.
This intrigued Elias. Thirteen years was a long time to work for a company, and being the Area Manager was a good position, especially for their region. But it meant that Epiro had started working for Adventure at forty. Elias shuddered at the thought of being a Manager Trainee at forty years old. Most of the people eligible as Manager Trainees were recent college grads that didn’t get any other job offers and were desperate. Even worse were the guys that peaked in high school and took a few management courses at a community college and figured they deserved to run things because of it. Elias couldn’t take these people as his peers at twenty-five, let alone forty. Mr. Dale Epiro began to grow a mystique about him.
A bored voice answered the phone when Elias called the Bethesda branch where Mr. Epiro worked
“Adventure Rentals, where Adventure is one Rental away. How can I help you.”
“Uh. Hello,” Elias said cheerily. “This is Elias Majors. I work over at the Rockville branch.”
“Yeah,” the voice replied.
“I’m calling because I was trying to get a little background info on our Area Manager, Mr. Epiro? Do you or have you worked with him?”
“Oh yeah. You guys need a new Branch Manager over there don’t you?”
“Ah…yes,” Elias responded.
“So you’re calling over here to get some dirt to help you kiss Epiro’s ass when he comes over there next week?”
“Wha-I. Well, no. I’m just a new trainee, and I wanted to know the hierarchy. I’m sorry for asking.”
“Sure buddy. Sure. Listen, all you need to know is that you love the gyros. Way better than hot dogs, right?”
“Huh?”
“What do you like better: hot dogs or gyros?” the voice asked, growing irritated.
“I don’t know. Gyros are good.”
“What about at a baseball game, or if you were at a picnic?”
“Hot dogs, I guess. What are you-”
“Wrong! You lose!”
“What?!”
“Okay. Here’s the thing – Epiro lost his ass on a gyro joint when he was younger – although it looks like he’s grown his ass back since,” the voice went on in a snicker.
“And?”
“That’s it. It went under, he went bankrupt and had to start working at Adventure because he’s a masochist, I guess.”
“Oh.”
“But here’s the thing – he’s got a rich millionaire brother out in LA – and they’re not so close anymore because-” the voice paused.
“Because what? What?”
“The brother made all his money on hot dogs. Got some famous place out there on the west coast. Epiro thinks his brother sold out his roots or heritage – they’re Greek, right.”
“Okay, okay.”
“And now Epiro hates his job here, hates his brother, and hates anybody that eats hot dogs. So don’t go talking about how much you love wieners around him.”
“Sure,” Elias laughed. “Who is this anyway?”
Then the line went dead and no one would answer when he called back.
5
Since Elias was only a Manager Trainee. Mary Ann wouldn’t let him use the computer for anything, save business purposes. She used it all work-day long: reading email, clicking at the Internet, but mostly playing her video game. But video game was a poor description for what Mary Ann was obsessed with. The thing was basically a digital dollhouse, and there didn’t seem to be any game to it at all. The whole point was to make sure the little people made it to work on time and didn’t pee their pants.
Elias looked to the clock behind him and saw that his lunch break was in fifteen minutes. It was one of Mary Ann’s rules that there was to be no breaking for lunch until after eleven a.m. Elias had worked with Mary Ann for eighteen months now, so he was accustomed to the fact that she hadn’t spoken aloud for fourteen years.
“Bet it rains later,” he said with a glance toward the window.
Mary Ann didn’t answer, not even a grunt.
“Has the printer been fixed?”
Her hand moved to a pad of paper near the computer and with a pen she scratched out: Yeah, right.
“How are your little people?”
Elias wheeled his chair near the computer monitor and gazed at the screen. Mary Ann hitched her shoulders up around her ears, self-consciously blocking Elias out.
Tiny humans marched around on the screen. From their perspective, they could see into a digital bedroom. “This seems like a fun game,” Elias said.
She turned and stared at him. Neither her green eyes nor the light moustache over her lips moved. Then she looked back and sent a brown-haired man to the bathroom. For a moment they saw his pixilated penis. Elias felt like a voyeur watching from his higher dimension.
“Aw, look at this guy over here,” he said, putting his finger on the screen. “He’s so bored he needs to read a book, take his mind off his life. Maybe he works at Adventure too?”
Mary Ann didn’t say anything.
“Can’t you send him off on some zany odyssey? Or make him have sex? Or at least play a video game?”
Mary Ann took up her pad and wrote: If you’re bored, you can give me a back rub.
“Okay,” Elias said, backing away. “Maybe I’ll go fix the printer again.”
Mary Ann nodded at the screen and flipped over her pad of paper. On the thick cardboard backing surrounded by stars and flowers were the words Go For It! written in bold marker. It was not the first time he had seen it.
The company’s ancient printer had a broken daisywheel and Elias hoped to waste fifteen minutes tinkering with it. “This day needs to hurry up and be over,” he said to himself as he opened the printer’s front panel. The daisywheel hung limply to one side. Elias prodded it for a moment before his stomach growled fiercely. “Screw this,” he muttered. “I’m taking my lunch now.”
CHAPTER TWO
Lunch-time at last, Elias took his Tupperware from the refrigerator and sat at the round white table. His food was khaki colored and unappetizing under its blue lid, and as it was leftover from dinner the night before, he knew it would taste unappetizing as well. He had eaten gyros for lunch three days now, each time eagerly hoping Mr. Epiro would appear, but he couldn’t take the spicy meat any longer.
In their hopes of paying off their condo quickly, Billi/Milly devised a tight new budget that allowed little room for fancy food. Their dinner the previous night consisted of lentils cooked with onions and rice milk, extra plain. Elias didn’t want to eat plain things, look plain, or feel plain; when he looked up to his reflection in the microwave window, he was doing all three. Even his clothing was like every other young man in his income bracket. He wore a suit, a plain suit. It wasn’t thin and cheap, it wasn’t rich and luxurious. The colors were simple navy and white - plain colors - no texture or fine silks, no ragged holes or faded stains. The most outlandish thing about him was his wife, a woman named Billi by her Indian family and Milly by her American friends – which left him calling her: Billi/Milly.
He had plainly not even bought his own suit; his mother picked out and paid for it. While on a recent visit, his parents offered to take Elias shopping and he took them up on it, excited to update his wardrobe. But even his parents were plain, and together they chose plain shirts and ties and jackets and commented at each other how fine each item would be for a young man of Elias’s stature and status – both of which were plain. He didn’t try on any grey felt suits, but the significance began to dawn on him as he stood in a cramped dressing room box, one of ten in a row, trying to decide between a maroon tie with navy diamonds and a navy tie with maroon diamonds. He finally decided to go with a solid grey tie. His father nodded at his good choice, his mother gushed at how plainly handsome he would look wearing it. His old idea of somehow getting a job as a camp gear tester was now bound up tight by grey ties.
A small chunk of lentils fell off the larger chunk of lentils and Elias wished again that the day would hurry up and be over soon. He did not know of any way to remedy his being plain, but he did know that he and Billi/Milly had purchased their first flat-screen large screen, high-definition screen television a month before and he was looking forward to settling down into the couch with a beer and a mind ready to be entertained. The boredom and inanity he faced each day at work made perfect sense at home, bathed by the changing lights of the television screen. Both he and Billi/Milly had their favorite shows that they were excited about each night. They made up for their inactivity all week by vowing to do outdoor things on Saturdays, if Elias wasn’t working, of course, and as soon as it got warm. It was already May 4th, however, and they made excuses as each Saturday loomed near. They eased their guilt by renting movies and eating tubs of buttery popcorn.
2
The lunchroom was very hot. The heat and his boring leftovers made him feel drowsy and muddled. He placed his chin on his laced fingers and stared at his reflection in the microwave. His eyes drooped and his muscles relaxed and at once he nearly dropped his face into his beans. He jerked his head up and blinked his eyes as he glanced around, then laughed and farted out a small burst and groaned. He silently made a pact with himself that if he saw the Area Manager that day he would overcome the urge to not ask for the Branch Manager position. If he had the Branch Manager Job, he could certainly dress a little less plainly and eat more exciting things than lentils with onions. Elias tooted again and laughed, just as the toilet in the employee’s bathroom flushed. His eyes went wide as he stared at the door a few feet from him, wondering who had been in there listening to him fart and laugh at himself.
The door opened and the Area Manager stepped out, tucking his shirt in. He smiled hastily at Elias and crossed to the vending machine with his hand down the front of his pants. The man’s butt was round and lumpy under his shiny grey suit-pants and it swung pendulously as he hummed and pondered the chips and candy. A wave of nervousness washed over Elias, so he ducked into the bathroom to hide.
The odor inside was a thick, sick cloud hanging in the slight box that held the bathroom fixtures. The reek hit Elias in the back of his throat like at hot spicy thing and he barely contained his gag reflex. He wrinkled his nose and forehead and left the bathroom and its horrible atmosphere as quickly as he came in.
The Area Manager eyed Elias suspiciously when he came out of the bathroom. Both men sat at the table, Elias felt as if he had been caught doing something naughty. The Area Manager shook gummi-bears into his olive palm and tossed them under his moustache. His face bore no expression. Elias struggled to find a way to broach the subject of promotion without seeming overly ambitious.
“So,” Elias began.
“They let lot attendants eat in lunch room at this branch?”
“Um. Sometimes. If it’s cold or really rainy. I guess.”
“You are lot attendant?” The man spoke with a nasal Greek accent and Elias suddenly found himself thinking of a joke about chee-burgers and cheeps.
“You’re Mr. Epiro, aren’t you? Our Area Manager?”
“Yes.” Mr. Epiro remained expressionless, tossing more gummi-bears into his mouth. The refrigerator turned on and filled the room with its tiny buzz.
“Well, sir, my name is Elias Ma-”
“Elias?”
“Yes sir.”
“That is good Greek name. You like gyros?”
“Why, yes sir, my wife is a vegetarian, you see, and so I have to make them myself for-”
Mr. Epiro looked at his watch and his face expanded with alarm. “Ten-thirty!” he shouted. Elias looked at him quizzically. “Is ten-thirty!”
Elias remained quiet.
Mr. Epiro looked dolefully at Elias and pointed at the silver watch on Elias’s wrist. “Is a Fossil, yes?”
Elias shook his wrist out at the man, revealing his watch. “Yeah. My Father-in-law got it for me.”
“Nice,” Mr. Epiro said, taking off his own gold watch. “Mine is Rolex. I buy for myself. It says ten-thirty. It says ten-thirty when I look at it earlier.”
“Hmm. Mine says eleven-fifteen,” Elias said with a helpful smile.
“Swiss piece of shit!” the man exploded, bringing his fist forcefully down towards the watch. He stopped his hand above the timepiece and picked it up calmly. “I guess I am late.” Mr. Epiro pulled his shiny suit coat from the chair and slid it over his shoulders. “You are very helpful Elias. That is good.” He fumbled into his coat pocket and pulled a flat cigarette case from it. The gleaming gold matched his rings and Elias imagined that several gold necklaces hid snugly beneath his shirt and tie, nestled among great hedges of greying chest hair.
“Cigarette?” Mr. Epiro asked.
“This is sort of a non-smoking building.”
“Then one for neither of us.” Mr. Epiro snapped the case against his hairy knuckles and turned as he replaced it in his coat. “I am late for meeting,” he called as he clicked towards the door.
Elias followed him a few steps. “Actually sir, I would like to have a moment when you are free.” His tongue felt thick in his mouth as he stumbled after the man. “I mean, when you’re not under any time pressures or…” Elias trailed off as they passed Mary Ann. He changed his gait to look as though Mr. Epiro had asked him to do something important and to follow him, rather than trailing behind the man like an unwanted little brother. But Mary Ann didn’t even look up as they passed, engrossed by the computer screen.
CHAPTER THREE
If I can catch up now, what will he think - because I doubt he knows my name, of course. Ha Ha! Here I’ve abandoned my damn post to chase him down a dozen flights of
stairs. Oh god! He’s obviously in a hurry to do - what are you doing, huh? Mad? Mad! This is a horrible mistake… although, perhaps he will - maybe - be impressed by my - wait a sec, I think it is! A test! He’s testing me, I’m sure of it and oh! Mary Ann! I’m the only one with enough. Go-getm. Attitude to chase him. Down there. Just chasing him. Does he? Know?
That I’m following and so he’ll be scared when he sees me and, no…this must be a test. Of what? Where are we going, where am I going, I need to get this promotion! ‘Magine! Going straight from Manager Trainee to Branch Manager, like that? Wonder… has it ever even happened before - I deserve it. Who else? Keep a person as a trainee for eighteen months? Dammit! Billi/Milly would be so proud of me. So proud! When I tell her I passed the test. Unless. This test was just to see! Who stayed? Kept at the desk. Testing! Hell.
Billi/Milly will wonder what I was thinking and Mary Ann gets the promotion! Jesus! She can’t even talk, I think, or she can speak but she chooses not to, ah? That dirty. Even to customers, she’s basically a handicapped person. Oh man. Mentally retarded from her parents’ weird experiments. On her. I should see if I can get her to talk with me. Sometime. If she’d only let me use that computer. Her games. She’s always hogging, hogging it. Hogger. Man I’m hungry, starving. No lunch. Don’t think of food. No lunch. Oh.
I should stop talking to her, or stop talking altogether, no more words from me. How’s that! There’s definitely a few customers I would like to pull that trick on. Oh yes. How can you lose out on a promotion to a girl that won’t talk? Bad joke. So what if she has been there for nearly a year longer. Big Diff. I guess she’d be pretty angry if I got it. Mmm Hmm. But what would she do – she won’t yell at me! Funny. I wonder where’s Billi/Milly. Right now. Big promotion for her. Happy. So proud of her. I mean. Yeah.
How often does anyone help catch the Head Terrorist of that awful alliance? Never! Va Jain Headgin, Al Jah ma – hard to pronounce - Camel’s something…no matter. All her. She helped get him with her translating skills, the Number Two man. At least. I’m so damn proud of my wife - is she ever proud of me? Surely. She wouldn’t be if I told her what I wanted. Old Paul. To follow on my ex-Branch Manager’s trail? Yeah, right. Kayak the South Seas, that bastard. A year! Planned for a whole year. My god. And said nothing. Oh well. Dick.
It’s not like we were such great friends, but still – I was the only one that could talk back! Reply. Bet that feels good – go into the boss’s office and say, ‘So long, I quit! No more! Going to paddle a boat to Tahiti!’ To where Gauguin left. Lucky. Everyone’s luckier than me – haven’t traveled since Christmas. So nice. Though I’ll be in China soon, these stairs go so deep. Ni hao. Where am I going – to Costa Rica? Back to? Wifey was so proud of me there. Spider! Got that big daddy out. Scary. All hairy and. Our room. Yuck.
Wonder if Billi/Milly would quit her job and leave it all for Costa with me? Yeah right! Who do I think I am, mi hermano Ray – bet he had plenty fun though. Muy Much. And Billi/Milly says some of those places are so dangerous. War or. Bunch of Che Guevaras with guns and they all hate gringos. Loco. Ray does what he wants, crazy stuff, but gets his too. Penance? Still pisses off Mom and Dad pretty good. Funny. Each kid takes turns, make them angry. Parents. How long until it’s me? Dear God. Don’t know about. Having…kids?
I’ll be a dad one day that’s for certain, but Billi/Milly knows what she wants first. For us. ‘Fore any kiddos and daipys – I need this promotion and a vacation! Austin… Me and Billi/Milly were supposed to head down to Austin for that big. Concert. Ray says Ya’ll now, that’s pretty funny – he’s only been there. Six months? I’d love to go back to Austin, be a tourist. Tejas. Never got to see all those bats last time. Sixth street. Getting drunk with all the frat kids. Lone star - Such a cheap ass beer, yum. Tex mex. So damn hungry! What the? Hey!
2
Elias stopped. He had lost count of how many levels he had gone down, but now everything changed. Below him he heard Dale chanting from far off:
Pressure, pushin’ down on me…
It was faint and growing fainter. The light was wan and filtered; Elias didn’t see any source near-by. He felt a touch of claustrophobia creeping up on him, and he wished there was a window he could throw open, even a window covered with spider-webs.
He stopped because the stairs he’d mindlessly clattered down had been dark steel, but now the step ahead of him was made of old shiny wood, cracked and dusty. This stairway curved around into darkness, losing the landing as it transformed into a spiral staircase. The first step gave a foreboding creak as Elias stepped onto it. A dusty, earthy scent mixed with the air. He imagined the compact dirt surrounding him and remembered how he felt when his Grandmother would send him into the cellar as a child.