Scenes and Monologues for Actors
By Jay Buckner
Copyright 2011 Jay Buckner
Smashwords Edition
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Includes monologues and scenes that have been performed in
New
York and Hollywood productions as well as the classes of
Clifford
David, Milton Katselas and Warren Robertson
Table of Contents
Scenes
Chapter 7 – My Name is Jessica
Chapter 11 – The Ladies in Waiting
Monologues
Chapter 12 – Televangelism, Amen
Chapter 13 – It Was You Captain
Chapter 14 – Red Hot Tango Night
Chapter 16 – Divorce: Female Version
Chapter 17 – Divorce Male Version
Scenes
Chapter 1 – The Test
SET: Empty stage, three chairs, two side-by-side, and a sign in bold block letters.
CAST: Male and female, plus male and female walk-ons.
WORRY FREE TRUE LOVE IN ONLY TEN MINUTES
AIDS Screening Here – Be Safe, Not Sorry. Be Sure!
Enter a couple, hand in hand.
JANICE. Well, as long as we’re here we may as well. Better to be safe than sorry, like it says. I used your name. I don’t want anyone to know who I am. Is that okay?
JACK. Janice Stambleck. I like that.
JANICE. Margret Stambleck.
JACK. Margret Stambleck it is.
VOICE OFFSTAGE. Stambleck.
They both get and up walk off stage. Lights go out. Five seconds later lights go back on and Jack re-enters, sits on one of two side-by-side chairs. Several seconds later Janice enters the room and sits on the solo chair.
JACK. I guess men are quicker.
JANICE. I hate those jars. They're too small and they're always cold.
JACK. Cold! Hmmph! I never thought of that. I missed the cup. I always miss the cup. I never told anyone that before.
JANICE. I don't mind, really. I'll still love you.
JACK. I'll love you more (moves closer).
JANICE. We'll see.
JACK. (Looking at watch.) In just ten minutes we can start heading up to Tahoe. Then it's Acapulco.
JANICE. If everything's all right.
JACK. Why shouldn't it be? The chances are millions to one against. Look at me, I'm not worried. I don't want you to worry either. Come sit by me (She does).
JANICE. We'll know soon enough.
JACK. (Looking at watch.) Nine minutes and forty seconds.
JANICE. Please don't do that. It just makes me more anxious.
JACK. Sorry.
JANICE. Did they take American Express?
JACK. Oh, yeah, no problem. I only asked you about the cash, just in case. I said I'd pay. I probably have enough cash anyway.
JANICE. You volunteered.
JACK. You're worth it. It's been fourteen months, right?
JANICE. Right.
JACK. Something would've happened by now...to someone you know. You have nothing to worry about.
JANICE. I'm not. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad we met. This has been in the back of my mind for years now. I was getting more and more concerned. This will put an end to it. Thanks.
JACK. It's been only three months.
JANICE. Three? You said fifteen.
JACK. You wouldn't have gone out with me. We wouldn't be here now.
JANICE. That's not true. It was Maxine, wasn’t it?
JACK. I should've told you. I was afraid to.
JANICE. It happened before we met?
JACK. I swear. I hadn't seen her in fifteen months. That's the truth, except for my brother's birthday party. I told you about that. (Pause.) I didn't tell you she was at his party again this year. Now I feel stupid.
JANICE. I wouldn't hold that against you. Whatever happened before we met is okay. We made a deal, right?
JACK. Right…then nothing's changed?
JANICE. It's in the past. If I didn't care for you very much I wouldn't be here. Maybe I was naive before, but I never asked any other man to take an AIDS test. I never felt it was necessary. This time I want to be sure. I'm changing my life. Here we are now and that's all that counts.
JACK. Thanks.
JANICE. Two months.
JACK. Two? But you said fourteen.
JANICE. Almost two.
JACK. We only met five weeks ago.
JANICE. I didn't count him. It was a one night thing. Two ships passing in the night. I can't even remember his name. I half forgot it even happened.
JACK. (Laughing self consciously like one who is about to die next in the dentist's chair.) We're some pair. Who cares as long as he was white.
JANICE. Very light-skinned African American. Not much darker than you. I like dark men. I told you that. That's why I like you.
JACK. He wasn't a musician, was he?
JANICE. Of course not. He was an engineer I met at the convention. I should've said something. I was afraid to, also. I wish I could remember his name. It's so embarrassing, revealing.
JACK. Look at the two of us. We've been so afraid to be honest. I'm glad all this came out. I feel a lot better. I know everything's going to be fine. (Pause.) I hate the waiting.
JANICE. Well, at least we're not bored. Read the brochure. We’re supposed to.
JACK. I can't. What does it say?
JANICE. I'm afraid to look.
They snuggle really close, two liars sharing the lifting of the load, some of it anyway.
JACK. I'd use condoms with you if I had to. I don't think I'd care.
JANICE. That's easy to say now…I'm sorry. If you mean it, then you really do love me.
JACK. I said I did.
JANICE. I don't know how I'd feel if it was the other way around. (Beat.) I'd let you, if it were you...if you were the one and I wasn't....if you used...one of those…watchma-call-its...
JACK. You're just saying that.
JANICE. (Looking deeply into his eyes.) I mean it.
JACK. You do, don't you?
JANICE. I've never asked anyone to use one before.
JACK. Well, I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or what.
JANICE. This is it for me. The changing point. You don't think that's a compliment?
JACK. Acapulco. I pay.
JANICE. You'll pay? You said we should split the costs. That was the only fair thing to do. That's what you said. I remember.
JACK. That was over our first drink. We hadn't even met yet.
JANICE. You never said anything in all this time. I'll bet you just thought of it now. C'mon, admit it. I won't be mad.
JACK. It was going to be a surprise, if everything came out okay. You know like when you promise God something while you're waiting for the results of an x-ray. Why wait? I know everything's going to be just fine.
JANICE. Nobody keeps their promises to God.
JACK. That's right, but this one I just made to you.
JANICE. Airfare included?
JACK. Airfare included.
JANICE. Brunch 'n dinner?
JACK. Night clubs, room service, even the cabana boy.
JANICE. A cabana boy. That would be really nice.
JACK. Yeah.
Long pause. He starts laughing.
JANICE. What's so funny?
JACK. Oh, nothing. I was just remembering something from a long time ago.
JANICE. Share it with me. C'mon.
JACK. When I was younger, I was a lifeguard. We used to send these kids-
JANICE. I didn't know you were a lifeguard.
JACK. Oh, yeah. Seven years, on the ocean.
JANICE. My goodness!
JACK. We used to have these little kids hanging around us all the time. Our junior lifeguards. We would send them on wild goose chases. We'd send them looking for the keys to the oarlocks and for pieces of shoreline that may have washed up on the beach. It was so funny to watch them scrambling about. Good kids.
JANICE. A lifeguard!
JACK. There's a lot about me you don't know.
JANICE. I can see that. With me, what you see is what you got.
JACK. That's what I like about you most. I like what I see.
JANICE. You're a funny guy.
DOCTOR enters holding a clipboard.
DOCTOR. Stambleck?
JANICE. Here.
DOCTOR, obviously impressed with her health, walks up and extends hand.
DOCTOR. You're as healthy as a horse. There's nothing wrong with you. Negative. Congratulations.
JACK. What about me?
DOCTOR. Yes.
JACK. What about the results from my test?
DOCTOR. Your test is...incomplete.
JANICE. Thank you very much, doctor.
DOCTOR. My pleasure, Mrs. Stambleck.
JANICE. Ms. Landown, if you please. Not married (Shows him her empty ring finger).
DOCTOR. (Showing her his empty ring finger.) Oh, Ms. Landown it is.
JANICE. I made that other thing up...just in case. You know.
DOCTOR. I understand, perfectly.
JACK. You'd tell me if you'd found something, wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong is there?
DOCTOR. We don't know that. As I said, your test is incomplete. We're still working on it.
JACK. But I finished before she did. Mine should have been completed first.
DOCTOR. Mr....um?
JACK. Stambleck.
NURSE FLO. (Calling from offstage.) Dr. Welborn!
DOCTOR. We'll let you know as soon as we have the results, Mr. Stambleck. Ms. Stambleck.
JANICE. Landown. Single.
DOCTOR. Yes, of course, Ms. Landown, a pleasure, really.
JANICE. Doctor.
DOCTOR exits. JANICE moves to solo chair.
JACK. Congratulations: To you. Why are you sitting over there?
JANICE. This was the nearest chair. I'm reborn. I really am. All that worrying for nothing. What time is it?
JACK. It's been more than seven minutes.
JANICE. So add that to when we started and give me the total.
JACK. You don't have to snap at me.
JANICE. The time, please.
JACK. It's a quarter after nine. You're not going to leave now, are you?
JANICE. I can stay, for a while. No more sex for me. Who needs it. To have gone through this for that. Ridiculous.
JACK. What about Tahoe?
JANICE. Let's wait for the results first. I'm sure they're negative. I hope so for your sake.
JACK. You said even-
JANICE. It's probably negative. But I'd rather not discuss conjecture until we're quite certain. I'm just so relieved. Sex, forget it! Who needs to take the chance? It's not worth it. Why cut off my nose to spite my face. Ribbed condoms, no matter who, what, where or when. Even if I got married again.
JACK. You said you were never married.
JANICE. It lasted barely three years. That doesn't count. It wasn't like a real marriage. You know you have one hell of a nerve questioning me. What's with this Maxine?
JACK. That was before we met.
JANICE. Then why were you hiding it? You lied to me.
JACK. What about the engineer?
JANICE. I don't even know his name. He meant nothing to me. I bet you still see her, don't you?
JACK. Absolutely not.
JAANICE. All I have is your word to go on. You're skating on thin ice.
JACK. Why are we arguing?
JANICE. You started it.
JACK. You're right, I did. I apologize.
JANICE. It's a sign of weakness when a man apologizes. (Beat.) I intimidate men. It's been a problem for me since I was in my teens. I don't know why. I don't try. It just happens.
JACK. We get along well.
JANICE. This is one experience we'll never forget. It's kind of like a bond, isn't it? After this we'd always be friends, no matter what.
JACK. Friends. I don't want to be just friends.
JANICE. If you make it we could have a reunion every year. Maybe make up buttons, "I passed the Test." "Show me your score, I'll show you mine." You can smoke in here if it gets real bad.