The
Transitioner’s Handbook
Sometimes it feels like we’re flying blind - but we're getting there all the same.
This book is dedicated to all persons who walk through fire to be who they are.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be transmitted or reproduced in any form, or in any means or stored in a database and retrieval system without the prior written permission of the author.
Copyright 2009 Smiling Daisies Publishing Inc.
Smashwords Edition
katemcdonald30@yahoo.ca
Thanks to all those who made it possible, and to all those who think they made it possible.
And to all those who stood in the way, just to make this seem like more of an achievement.
Thanks to all of you, without whom I never would have written this book
Table of Contents
10 Putting yourself back together
13 What now? Learning the rules
15 Why Me? The Story of Hailey.
No one likes change.
Least of all me.
I don't recommend it, I don't enjoy it, and I can't avoid it.
If you have an option, don't ever change. Don't ever grow up and whatever else you do, don't ever be yourself no matter who that may be.
If you're like me and you don't have a choice, it's probably worthwhile to prepare for what you have to accept anyway. Bite the bullet as it were, and just accept life as it is. Everyone has to go through changes in their life to discover who they really are. Then they have to find the courage to be that person in front of the entire world.
Where does this all start?
I'm not saying it was a Frankenstein moment, but my little brain was put in the wrong shell. When I heard that I wasn't the only one, I thought, well, then there has to be some way to get this sorted out.
The doctors would know what to do.
- They didn't.
Ah, then there must be some book or other that explains the process; a 'How to, Do it Yourself Manual' for dummies like me...
There wasn't.
The best advice I ever received was this;
Keep your hands in the cart at all times and hold on tight, (It's one heck of a ride).
Great... and...? And if you don't have to do this - Don't do it!
If you have no choice...
hold on tight.!
Changing from looking like a boy to a girl or vice versa, is not something I would recommend.
If you are in the wrong body, or know someone who is - good luck. I wouldn't wish that much pain on my worst enemy.
The best I can do is to pass on a few things I learned along the way. I hope this helps.
When you face losing everything, and
everyone in your life, you are going to need
as much help as you can get. You didn't
choose this, but who believes you?
It really is who you are.
If people could see your soul would they
recognize you?
Going back, it all started in a warm tub of water, in a little womb, I like to call my mom.
I was a little girl, just like everyone else in the world. My brain began developing and it remained a girl’s brain. I would have continued happily as a fully developed girl but then, out of the
blue, there was a shot of androgen, and there went the rest of my body.
I suppose you could blame my mom - she was in charge of the controls, or perhaps the doctors, for the drugs they gave her, or maybe even global warming (if you are the type that thinks global warming is responsible for everything).
In any event, it happened, and I was born with a serious birth defect no one seemed to notice.
In human biology, there are many differences between us. Things that don't match the ideal of a perfect blue eyed, blond haired, boy or girl. This should not be so upsetting; I grew up in a conservative catholic family.
We weren't well off. I had to
share my sister's first communion dress. But still, they wouldn't let me wear it to church. So I had to go without one.
Why was I treated so badly?
Cinderella grew up in a quiet southwestern town, forced to wear her brothers hand me down clothes while her sister was dressed as a princess. I dreamed of growing up to be a
beautiful woman, getting married and having children. I played skipping and had tea parties, and had my hair done, but somehow I wasn't allowed to go to the outside world.
I was told I should be embarrassed, and I was definitely ridiculed for being me. But then again, who else could I be?
The answer was provided on a silver platter:
“You're supposed to be a boy!”
“Oh” I said, “What does that mean?”
“You're supposed to be competitive and fight and do boy’s stuff.”
I tried to follow what my brother did, so I
would know what that meant. (I figured that since he's a boy, he should know what to do).
He played with models, so I did too. For
some reason he got really interested in them. I don't know why. Finally, I figured out a real boy thing to do on my own – I built a doll
house!
Ooops.
This wasn't working. Where was the good pink fairy? I mean Pinnochio had the blue one, so where was the pink one?
I wasn't good at being a boy at school either. I was told I was a boy, and I wasn't supposed to be with the girls, so that left me with the others...
I called a meeting one recess, and it struck me; I was the only one there. I was pretty much left alone. I learned to be alone a lot.
When I was in my teens I read about a tennis player who was supposedly cheating to get on the professional women's tennis circuit. (I guess he hadn't seen Billy Jean King beat
Bobby Riggs.)
Ingeniously, he had surgery to make himself look like a woman. Now how devious was that, huh?
Of course when his tennis career was over he would want to have the surgery reversed wouldn't she?
The truth is, there's no turning back.
The tennis star never had any anonymity after that, and she paid a very high price for her openness. No one wants to live their life being seen as a freak. We all want to fit in socially. That's why so many women who
have been successful have gone into stealth. But they too don't want to live in secret.
This is only a path for women. A man would never have this surgery; They wouldn't be a man. They would, as it's been said on numerous occasions, lose their manhood.
“But if they lost their manhood, what would that make them?”
Where I grew up, there was never an
in-between sex. Dogs were dogs, and cats were cats. Like Archie Bunker on All in the Family said:
“Girls were girls and men were men, those were the days.” (Of course if anyone still remembers those days.)
There were, of course, men who had erectile dysfunction, - but now at least we have Viagra for them and really, they were always men).
Are there men with vagina's and
breasts? No. Well yes. But I wasn't about to find that out until years later when I met a boy who had been born with the outward look of a girl.
I suppose it's how you define people. Do you define them by their brain, or their body? If a person has a perfectly good body and a brain that doesn't match - do you just remove the
brain?
Umm...
Is this a trick question?
The shell is much easier to change than the brain. If the brain is not diseased, then perhaps we should work on the body. We have a female brain with a few mismatching parts, all we need is a mechanic, or perhaps a surgeon.
But are we talking about a woman? I mean, no breasts, no uterus, not able to have children, is this person a woman?
What's a woman?
I used to think the answer was pretty
obvious, but I read recently, the best answer they could come up with is: they don't know. Yes, a definite, “we'll look into that, don't worry your silly little head about these things.”
It may sound strange but the medical
community couldn't quite do it. The
sociologists said, “it changes from time to time, but society determines”. The
Anthropologists said; “well it changes from culture to culture.” The biologists said; what? Women? You mean to tell me some people think there are only two sexes a perfect man and woman?
The Olympic officials, originally intent on
having a men's club, and later, as a
protection of the weaker sex keep being challenged on what it means to be a woman.
Every time they thought they had a determinative test, the experts told them that either sex could have that characteristic. I think they may finally go with the bulge test. Bulge on the bottom front – it's a guy. Two bumps on the top... ah well, it's not a good test. (I mean have you seen the gymnastic teams? Eighteen year olds who haven’t started puberty yet.)
A woman is still a woman if her breasts don't develop. A woman is still a woman if she doesn't have a uterus (if she had it removed, or she was born without one). A woman is still a woman if she has hair on her face. A woman is still a woman if she's losing her hair.
I had an English teacher in high school who was such a sweetheart. She was Very passionate (with a capital V). One day, she came to class without her wig. She was still a woman. Her hair was thinning - I remember that, I felt badly for her.
A woman is still a woman if she has XY
chromosomes. (Many woman live their entire lives without even being aware of it.) In the Olympics, women's lives have been ruined by the ignorance of this.
Imagine, you live your entire life as a woman, and then when you're competing for your country in front of the world, they test you and tell everyone you ever met and then some, that you're a man - that you are not who you know you are. Santhi Soundarajan discovered her differences that way. 1 They took away her medal. Later she tried to kill herself.
That hurts! I know exactly how it feels (with the exception of winning a silver medal at the Olympics... and the ensuing publicity) They say you're a man because you have a condition called androgen insensitivity, and that
your outward body remains as a woman. It takes androgen to change a woman into a man. If you're insensitive to it, or it is absent at the time of development, the body will remain female. (In my case it was the brain.)
A woman... what makes a woman?
A woman is a woman because she knows she is. It's in her spirit, it's in her soul, it's her brain.
It's who she is.
Oh the obviousness of it astounds me. How could I have been so stupid?
It doesn't matter so much about being able to have children, to have breasts, to have a hormone problem. A woman is a woman because she knows she is; she thinks it. It is her.
Any woman who has any one of these
conditions is given a great deal of consideration and empathy, both by those who know her, and by the medical community. I, who have suffered all of these, have not.
I have found my answer. I am a woman
because I know I am. I have a brain telling me the difference between a man and a woman and it clearly tells me I'm a woman.
Of course the obvious is generally overlooked, and we need a piece of paper telling us who we are.
When the doctor says I'm a girl. I am. The rest as they say are cosmetics. A vagina, breasts, lack of facial hair, body fat, breaking nails, emotional sensitivity, all of which were added after I accepted what I already knew from childhood.
But did I grow up as a girl?
I did as well as I could; My friends were girls, and we played together until it was no longer acceptable at school. All my life I've had close girl friends. Even at University. Though this led to discrimination - my best friend’s fiancée was jealous of our closeness,
and so I didn't receive an invitation to their wedding (If he only knew).
Did I suffer the limitations of being a girl? I have heard all kinds of political arguments about the limitations put on women, by the very women who would put limitations on me. I grew up with this discrimination; My opinion was rarely listened to; how often was I told I couldn't join the group, or be allowed
to do something because “it wasn't
something a boy should do” - but I wasn't a boy, and I wasn't able to say anything.
You may have already gathered that, like my sister, my choice of what to wear was often vetoed by my parents.
I suffered sex discrimination, when it came to being socially accepted. I suffered sex discrimination when it came time to going to university. Other students were given an opportunity to go to school even though I had
better marks, because of their birth
recognized sex.
I know there are reasons for this – because there had been years of the other type of discrimination. But if you are asking whether I know what it means to have suffered discrimination like a female, then I have to say I do. I have experienced it first
hand. I have experienced social limitations, I have experienced parental limitations, I have suffered religious limitations.
Political feminists do have a right to say what they've gone through, and to address discrimination, but I do hope they will not dismiss me. I hope they will take a moment and reflect on what I've gone through. I hope that should they discover my past they will understand that we are not so different, and what I have gone through and what I
experience in my present form is the same as it has always been.
I have never been in a position of privilege because of my gender. I can just guess that it doesn't take most women six visits to the passport office to get a passport, or that when you need to get your drivers license, you don't have to bring a letter from your bank, and your doctor, and even then it takes
three to four visits, (after they send you
downtown to head office).
A friend of mine, Carol, who is a strong
feminist, once gave me an old fashioned
wooden and glass wash board as a present. I found it rather appropriate. I've used it, as has my grandmother and great grandmother. (My mom never did. She had a washing machine, and as soon as we were tall enough to climb up to the buttons we were doing laundry).
Since I was a child I have been seen by
others as a girl, but not in my family. They didn't want to see it. Though, even if you deny it, you can't stop being who you are.
No amount of adverse conditioning could make a difference, and believe me it was made extremely clear how I was supposed to act. Still, I found a way to be me. I knew from the beginning that the rest of my body was not right, and it had to be changed. How many woman want something hanging between their legs? None that I know of! (One said she would try it, but only for a few days).
Every guy I know seems to be proud of it. I understand that some even stuff themselves so they'll look bigger. (Hence the old saying “put a sock in it”.) Girls wouldn't do that sort of thing – personally, I'm all natural, and so is
my padded bra.
I was quite fine being a girl. If only my
parents had the same attitude. For some reason they thought it was about sex. I never quite understood that. I never believed it when I was two, and I still don't. Maybe they think that being a girl is being sexual. But believe me, there’s a whole lot more to life than just sex.
Just to clarify a few misconceptions, it's not about being gay. I would have been fine with guys if I had the right body. I didn't and it didn't work. Gay guys like guys. They are not attracted to women. If someone with my condition has an operation, their bodies feel
right, and they can be relaxed in terms of their sexuality, but with that operation gay guys aren't interested.
Because of the strict laws in Iran about gay people (they execute them), some have tried to pretend to be transsexual. As a result of this pretense they underwent the operation and
actually caused themselves to really become inter-sexed. They became men in women's bodies, and they obviously regretted it. The regret factor for transsexuals is less than 1.5%, and the complaints tend to be surgical;
how well the plumbing turned out.
The other major factor is social. As everything in your life changes, you have to be ready for them, and know what their loss will mean. 4
This is an odd factor. Once hormones take effect, and you are transitioning, a lot of the pain of dissonance is reduced. Once surgery is complete there is no dissonance, everything matches.
It is easy to consider what you have lost at that time, when you no longer suffer the pain of a mismatching body you realize the social
benefits of being as you were raised. You consider that the loss of jobs, family and friends seems an extremely harsh and a high price to pay.
I was lucky. There is no going back for me as back was dark, depressing and deadly. I have no illusions that I could have lived in any other role, other than myself. I tried as hard as humanly possible, with a lot of support, and I was still dying. Even when I gave up suicide as an alternative, my body was still physically shutting down. I had to
make a choice,the choice to live.
I made the right choice.
Is this all a fantasy on my part?
Is it a delusion that I'm a girl? Is there any truth to this wild belief that I have? You know, truth; something people can actually see.
Talk about faith; change your entire life on something you can't see, touch, taste or test.
Is this insanity or what? Almost like believing in God. You can't prove it, but you have a sense that it is true, and let's face it not everyone believes in God, so why should I expect people to believe me?
I've thought about that. Many people have seen this as a delusion.
But what is a delusion? - A belief in
something that isn't true.
What do I actually believe?
I believe there is something in my brain
telling me I'm a girl, and that has been there for as long as I can remember. Is there any cure for this belief? Can I take an aspirin?
Nope.
Therapy doesn't work. They have tried
medications, talk therapy, shock therapy.
Nothing. If so-called professionals start
young enough, you can let kids know that it is unacceptable and they will learn to hide it, to deny it, and to lie about it to themselves and others; I did.
Perhaps before we try to cure it we should look at whether the belief is true.
One of the original researchers in the area of transgender persons, John Money, thought gender beliefs were based on socializing; that you could raise a baby boy as a girl and with
surgery, and proper socialization throughout their lives, their gender would be taught to them (essentially a nurture view of gender –
as opposed to nature which means that the brain already knows your gender).
Money was of the firm belief that who you are, male or female, is a learned behavior affected by how you're raised, the hormones in your body as you develop, and how you look, (that is having breasts and a vagina or a penis).
He advised doctors not to worry about the babies who were of indistinguishable sex. He told the surgeons they could confidently choose a sex for the child, do surgery and then the raising of the child would give the child the sense of who they are, their gender.
This gave assurances to many surgeons who deal with intersex patients at birth, and have to assign a sex to them. There's a lot of pressure to have a baby boy or girl; “it” just isn't acceptable.
it makes world news when parents won’t tell people the gender of their baby (in Toronto, Canada - storm stocker created quite a stir).
Many times even the doctors don’t know, and surgeons choose for them. It is a much more common problem than most people are generally aware. Sometimes the surgeons get it right, and other times... there are boys and girls
with the wrong outer biology.
An unknown researcher (at that time), by the name of Milton (his friends called him Mickey) Diamond, questioned Money's logic. (no I'm not making their names up, but we all know
that diamonds are a girls best friend so you know who I favour.) Diamond knew better about intersexed people. He brought serious questions to the forefront, ones that directed serious doubt about Money's research, and conclusions.
Diamond considered Money's thinking and wrote, in essence, that it failed basic
biological reasoning. A persons behaviour can be modified, and many are – as seen in the variety of differences between cultures,
but a person's identity as a woman or man is not flexible.
Money was wrong. He had his chance one fateful day with a pair of twins, both boys. As a result of a medical accident during circumcision, one boy's penis was badly burned. Money convinced the boy's parents to raise him as a girl.2 It was his belief that gender is learned. He believed that if you look like a girl and are raised as one, then you will be comfortable with that role.
They did the surgery (although they didn't change his brain) and he was raised as a girl.
Right from the beginning, without any
cues of any sort, and being told constantly he was a girl, he refused to accept it. He stated quite clearly and firmly; he was a boy.
He had no outward reason to believe he was anything other than a girl, but from the earliest age he knew the truth. Eventually he had to transition to being the boy he knew he always was. Money never acknowledged his mistake or the severe amount of pain the boy
had to go through – with everyone thinking he was a different sex than the one he knew he was.
Money had already taken credit for his
success at making him a girl. Diamond met with the boy and found out the truth. Money's legacy continued, even today attempts are made to condition children, by negative treatment and treats (essentially puppy training) out of who they know they are. This tells them quite clearly that who they are is not acceptable. It doesn't work.
It didn't work for me, and it didn't work for a little boy who was raised a girl. (Although sometimes I still salivate when the dinner bell rings). You can keep trying to bury this, most of us do. You can try to fit into a group that you don't belong to. But the truth doesn't go away, who you are, your gender, is always with you. Even if you don't have the right outward reproductive organs, you know who you are.
The Pediatric Associations in a consensus paper acknowledged that intersex persons tend to have a much higher level of what they termed 'gender dissatisfaction', than the population as a whole; meaning the body and the brain are not matching, and it's necessary to check with the children to find out their true gender. (They still only suggest asking them part of the time, where the surgeons haven't jumped in and made a decision before the child can get a word in edgewise).4
Even when you do have the right
reproductive organs, some girls still go
through this. One girl said she considers herself 89% physically female. She has a uterus, partial breast development and one testicle. The testosterone caused her body to look male, and she was raised as a male.
Well, some parents want a boy...
In her brain she knew a truth she couldn't show anyone; when she could no longer fake it, she began transitioning. It was only then
that someone got a little curious, and her physical anatomy came to be known. Testing a person for their real sex is not a common thing to do.
Everyone talks about XX and XY, but who knows for sure? How many people who have been raised as a woman have ever been tested? How many men? Have you?
Personally I haven't, but I already know who I am.
I know a number of women who have completed surgery and still have never been tested to find out their karyotypes (XX). It is an expensive test that as the American Pediatric Association confirmed, doesn't determine gender. XX doesn't mean a girl, any more than XY means male. So why on earth would there be such a push to set aside the medical nature of who we are, and treat this as a psychological issue?
Does therapy work to change a person's
gender?
No.
As the old saying goes; can a psychologist change a light bulb? Yes, but it has to want to change. Personally I don't want to change. I like myself. (I'd be a really tough light bulb.)
People don't have a problem with their gender. It is merely who we are. I would recommend therapy to overcome the negative conditioning we have received, to overcome a poor sense of self esteem because we have not been accepted. I would recommend it to treat depression resulting from constant denial, lies about ourselves, and the pain of loss when we finally do tell the truth.
Was Jack Nicholas' character in A Few
Good Men right?... Were our fears realized? ... “The truth, you can't handle
the truth!” We're hoping someone can.
Families may need therapy to set aside their delusions, to understand we are not the gender they thought we were.
My family saved the money on therapy and kept the delusion. Quite a decision: “Would you like pain and regrets worked out in a strangers' office or a New Car?!” (I'm sure it was a difficult choice.) Actually, it's quite a nice car.
It still leaves the question; Am I delusional or are they?
That is a question I have asked myself over and over again. Is there any proof that there is something in my brain that
determines my gender, or is it all in my imagination, as they say, “in my mind”. Why do I feel so depressed when I deny who I am, and feel so alive when I accept myself?
When you stop and think about it, the brain is part of the body. Yes I know, that kind of thinking is rather at the forefront of medical discoveries. But as it's attached to the skull, we have to accept (for a moment) that it’s part of the body.
How could this have happened? How did our thinking ever relate to our body? Is our thinking actually done in our body, or is everything figured out in a jar marked 'pickles' in Peoria. Silliness perhaps, yet how do we deal with the ignorance that tells us that thinking we are women is wholly in our, in our what – in our minds. In the same minds that are attached to our brains, the same brains that match the biological sex that we believe we are.
People are able to convince themselves of many things; that Napoleon was their brother, that their mother was a virgin, that industrial rock is melodic. Some are true some are not. How do we distinguish? (Napoleon’s brother really had a hard time with that one – he needed proof).
I sought the evidence, and lucky for me there was proof. There is a study proving that there is a biological cause of the thinking I have, and it is not a disease or an illness. It cannot be cured or treated, it is formed naturally just as my brain was formed, and unlike some parts of the brain, it is not subject to change, by what I may think, or by hormones, or by any therapy. The brain is a funny thing, we don't fully understand all of it, and we can't study it without taking it out and cutting it up. (Volunteers for this research have to be advised that if you are not dead when they begin, you will be by the time it is done.) I am happy to say that someone else volunteered.
The results were quite predictable - at least from my point of view. A part of the brain that relates to gender identity, the BSTc, is the same between people who hold the same belief. All guys with or without penises, believing they are guys have the same relative size BSTc. All girls with or without vaginas, have the same comparative size BSTc. It matches the biology of the sex we
think we are. 5
Our brain determines our gender, and trans girls have the same brain formation and and consequent belief as any other girl. Trans guys have the same brain formation of their BSTc as all other guys. The results show that I'm intersexed. Outer parts male, inner parts female, or as the researchers termed it “Brain Hermaphrodites”. Our brains do tell us what sex we are. This proves I'm not the one with the delusion.
My belief is real.
The proof is there. Can we ignore it? Pretend it doesn't exist? We can try. The American Pediatric Association is doing a wonderful job of it, But it’s been argued they have lost their heads in the past, so why should we assume they have been found? But that’s a harsh and unfair criticism. The truth is simply that they have just not addressed their collective minds to it.
They have produced a consensus paper on intersex conditions and how to deal with them in a multi-disciplinary setting. It is a fair and considerate treatment of a difficult and emotional condition:
They acknowledge that gender is not based xx or xy chromosomes, they acknowledge that the cause of gender is biological. They acknowledge that the exact cause is unknown. They acknowledge that brains and other development occur prenatally. They acknowledge that the child is able to express their gender from the age of 18 months onward. They acknowledge that children must be involved in determining their own gender when they are able to do so, and when they do so they should have a caring and effective team available for them to deal with the endocrinology and psychosocial problems, dealing with parents, and the ensuing concerns of puberty; in short – transitioning.
They have done all these things because the changes to the children's bodies have included outward signs of cross gender development. But what of the poor brain, and the changes that did not occur there (for trans girls). What of the children who have had their brains develop so that their brains do not match their outward bodies, but whose
bodies appear normal? What do we do with them and their particular pain as they grow up in the wrong body?
Hmm. I suppose we could let them die. At least 50% try suicide, and 30% are successful. 6 So that would take care of part of the problem. What should we do with the others? How about we get them to deny there is a problem? We can teach them to suppress their feelings for years until they can't take it anymore and then blame it on themselves. It sounds like a solid plan. Well, not so solid, but it is the way things are presently.
Those children that the pediatric association determined should be assisted are going to go through the same things that I have, hopefully with more support and better resources... but I doubt it.
I have referred to trans guys and trans girls. Trans for me means transitioning, or a person who needs to transition. Once completed, there is no physiological problem, There are
just guys and girls.
What is transitioning all about?
Transitioning for me has been a time to meet my navel. I have been gazing at it for some time, and it seems to have gathered various amounts of lint. Unlike some, I do not intend to knit a sweater from it.
The point of navel gazing is to understand those age old questions; who am I? Where did I come from? Why is pizza always better at 2 in the
morning? And why do I have go through all this at the age of 44, and why didn't I get any help to do it when I was 2?
To answer a few questions, I have had to do this all my life. I just kept putting it off. I was told I was not supposed to be like this, so I tried not to be. Every so often I would check in – grade 2 – nope. I thought maybe when I was a teenager, but it still wasn't acceptable to my mom then either.
She decided it was probably a phase, a phase she thought I would outgrow. (When is a phase over?) To be honest it destroyed every false image I ever tried to build. Putting it bluntly I made a wonderful wife and a lousy husband. I tried though, and seriously failed a number of times. When it became far too much, (suicide didn't work - though its not like I didn't try that too), I finally had to accept myself. Actually I made a deal with myself; I'll keep on living if I transition. I am not going to live as something I'm not for a moment longer.
Suicide is a trump card in the game of life. Cash in all of your chips, and walk away from the table. When this happens, all of the other players get upset. You can't do that. That’s not fair. See how other people feel. How can you be so cruel? So selfish?
Selfish?
No, if I had been selfish, I would never have been in the situation to contemplate it. The problem was not being selfish; giving myself over to other peoples needs and ignoring my own. So, selfish was not the way to describe me. Selfless. Lacking in self. Thinking nothing of myself. The moment I started being selfish and caring for myself was the moment I had something to give someone else.
If you feel like killing yourself, you will have to deal with this prior to continuing with transition. Death stops transition, and you will never be buried as the person you know you are. Depression will not be used against you in going further with transition, as so many of us feel depressed because of what we've had to go through. It's absolutely necessary to address the painful issues in order to come to accept yourself, and be with other people who accept you. You'll be happy to discover that suicidal tendencies do pass, and that you'll find a lot of support to remain alive when you go to the right sources. There are emergency numbers in most places for immediate counseling services. As well, there are a number of support groups for people going through transition.
The Samaritans are a group online suicide prevention group that will be there when you need them. They made a difference in my life. They were not advocating any religion, just advocating living and support. I reached them at Jo@samaritans.org
I wouldn't mention them except that they
were there when I needed them, when I was looking up the best ways to die.
There are numerous help lines worldwide, and most doctors are familiar with treating depression. Medications will help, but they take time, so give them time to work -and please don't rely on them as your only solution. Have people to talk to, whether it
be a support group, online or in your area, or a counselor.
There is hope at any age. Even though it may feel like transition will take forever, know in your heart it will happen. Things will get better. There are reasons to live. Sometimes you just have to find personal ones. (If I died, who would feed my pet rock?)
Personally, I kept putting it off, and I told myself; if I hold off until Saturday (if you're reading this on a Saturday, I mean next Saturday). I may change my mind, and something may happen to get me through it. At that point I'd look for help, and usually found it. The only time I actually acted was when I was rushing, everything had to be over right now. I survived and discovered, death will wait. It's not like a bus that you'll
miss. If it’s so terrible that you must die,
that solution will still be there for you next week.
Eventually I had to take things into my own hands and make a decision. As Red said in the Shawshank Redemption; “Get busy living or get busy dying...” It is time to start living. I'm sure there was more to it than that, but that’s the part I remember. I wasn't going to be dying for anyone else anymore. Being alive, means demanding my right to be
here. It means demanding that I receive
respect and love. It means demanding the many things necessary for a healthy transition. Don't let anyone tell you that transition is easy. Don't let anyone tell you that it's hard either. It doesn't make a difference; if you have to transition, you will.
This is not a choice any more than living is a choice. Breathing, now that may be a choice, but transitioning is not a choice (actually come to think of it breathing isn't a choice either). That's the problem with biology – we're stuck with it. Our biology was completed before birth. It's time to start accepting it.
Some people may say “well the actual
definitive cause hasn't been found”, I can only say this to them; the cause may be different for many people, some could have had this caused by Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia, some by androgen insensitivity,
partial or complete, some by problems with 5 alpha reductase cycle, some by exposure to chemicals causing genetic defects, some by regular mutations in the genes, some by medications provided to mothers while pregnant, interfering with the hormones going to the baby.
The causes do not determine the treatment. As there are no cures, the only reasonable solution is to accept that this is the way I am and proceed to corrective surgery. If this is a phase then fine let people grow out of it. At 44 I'm a little old to be growing out of anything. The other thing to keep in mind is that there is no one testing me to find out the cause. I have to accept that too.
Coming Out
That's the first step to transitioning - coming out.
The first person you have to come out to is yourself. This is always a confusing subject. Most people will ask; what do you mean coming out to myself? - I know who I am. I'm glad you do, I didn't. I got so good at burying myself, that it took a long time to dig myself out of the rubble that was left. (Good
thing I knew where the bones were buried – puppy training served me well.)
I started out knowing who I was, and then somewhere along the way, I wanted to be accepted. I began to hide myself. Some girls hide themselves in drugs and alcohol, some in work, some in anger, and others, like me, in a constant need for acceptance. If you don't feel accepted for who you are, then you turn to others, and ask; what do I have to do to be accepted, to be loved?
Society is not short of answers:
Join the military, get married, have children, have children in the military. Be all that you can be (except who you are). But, whatever you do, FIT IN! (There are enough trans girls
with military training to start a revolution... so for your sake, be nice to us).
These issues have to be dealt with through transition, but it will take time. Transition is not just about surgery and learning how to look presentable (passing). Transition is also about putting to rest the pain that has tormented you. It is about learning who you are. Being able to, to say; this is the person I really am, and standing up to the people who don't want you to be and your fears that you won't be accepted.
There are a lot of fears about transitioning and many of them are real. There are some people who want to beat us up, or even kill us, and many of these fears and their anger are based on a false sense of religion.
The good news is that the number of people who can get away with that garbage is diminishing rapidly, and the number of people who support you is on the rise. It takes a lot of courage to do this, and that courage is recognized. (Though they're not giving away medals just yet).
When you're ready to take on transitioning, you will be ready to face your harshest critic, one worse than any judge in a singing contest – yourself. More often than not, you're the one who has learned to have problems accepting yourself. (If you do not have any difficulty, just ignore this part).
Personally, I didn't start out with any difficulty. I was perfectly accepting of who I was, right from the beginning- up to the first time I was told I should never be this way. After that, the lessons kept repeating, until I didn't know who I was supposed to be. I just knew I shouldn't be me.
The problem is that there’s no one there twenty -four hours a day, seven days a week, keeping me posted, reminding me of my assumed identity. So time after time I slipped back, and became myself. I eventually learned I was fine as long as I didn't have anything to do with anyone else. I could be me: in a closet, in an attic, in my room.
Transition is a time to change that. It's a time to face your fears, and put together your split selves – your true self with your social self. This is the time to make yourself known, both personally, and to the world.
Facing those fears
When I was young, my brother always told me there was nothing to fear but fear itself... oh yes, and ghosts and goblins, and things that lived under my bed and in the closet. So I knew that there really wasn't anything to fear. Then why does my heart beat so fast?
Why are my palms sweaty, why can't I
breathe?
It always happens in anticipation. When I haven't faced those fears – when I haven't swept out under the bed. (For years I slept on a futon right on the floor. I figured if there were monsters, I was going to make absolutely sure they were the skinniest ones of the bunch).
Courage, as I've been told many times, is about having fears and doing it anyway. I must be one of the most courageous people in the world, because I certainly have been one of the most fearful. But fears dissolve, like mist, and like mist, they leave you all wet and clammy.
We must all face our fears, but there is help available. I am not great with fear; I freeze up, and can't do anything, my stomach aches, and I feel sick. I have to let the pain dissipate a little before I can even think about acting. It comes in waves, and when I catch it at a low point I can do something. But at it's highest, I can merely sit down doubled over and wait for it to pass. If I'm lucky I can cry, and let some of the pain out. I am writing this to let you know that fear can be debilitating. It isn't for everyone, but it can be. It was carved into me through years of non-acceptance.
I cannot stress enough the need for a counselor; someone who can give you an objective point of view. Someone to let you know that there are other people in the world who, when they find out this great dark secret, will accept you. Someone who will let you know that you are not the first person in the world to go through this. To let you know that beyond a normal biological difference there is nothing wrong with you.
For many of us, it has been a great dark secret, something kept buried in the back of our closets, or wherever else we could hide it. This is not a secret that harms anyone, but it does have profound effects on many people.
Growing through this is a matter of understanding these effects. Not only are you letting the world in on who you truly are, your world in turn is losing the person they thought you were. There are some who won't want that person to leave. They'll put out missing persons reports on your lost identity, and keep calling out for them. But, as we know, that was never you. The person they love and care about is still there.
If you're not ready for a counselor, there are a number of online chat groups that will provide support for you. They have a lot of information about what you're going through, and information to help other people in your life understand who you truly are. One that helped me was called Laura's Playground.
The other thing that helped me was a book by a lady named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. 12 She provided me with a framework to understand what I was going through.
She studied and wrote a book about the five stages of dying; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Who I was, was dying. I went through all five – sometimes I get a little stuck on the one before acceptance.
I started with denial. I refused to accept that this is who I am. I am not sure if you've heard, but there are a number of people who treat this as a joke. There are guys who dress up to look like women to make people laugh, or entertain them. There are women who also do this. They are clowns or mannequins. Mannequins because they do themselves up to look entirely painted, and perfect, but they're not real – they're drag queens and kings and male and female impersonators. I knew that wasn't who I was. I wasn't like them. Drag queens are men and they're happy being men. I was never a man.
There are men who are attracted to women's clothing - fetishists who get turned on from this attraction. A large portion of the male population, whether they're willing to admit it or not, have this attraction. These men know they're men.
I knew I wasn't like them, but when I started transitioning, there was no other information available, nothing to explain everything. At that time, the library had some medical notes on how the surgery was done, and they had some political commentary – that was it. Psychiatrists were still locking girls up for coming out.
I was left on my own. This was truly a
do-it-yourself project. Though I never got
past step one – put the patient under general anesthesia. I kept waking up to find that the operation wasn't complete. There was one girl I read about who did part of the operation herself, but she was a qualified professional. (So don't try this at home).
There was nothing else to help me
understand this. I didn't want to live my life as a joke, hated and despised. Who would? But, who I am cannot be changed. So, I would begin transition, and then throw everything out, both emotionally and physically, every treasure of evidence about
who I truly was. I hated myself for it.
That was where the anger grew. I couldn't change who I was; I couldn't accept myself, and I couldn't stop being me. I just wanted to remove part of my body, or wake up without it. That didn't happen. It wasn't a pretty sight.
Since I couldn't change who I was, and I
couldn't accept me either, I would make deals with myself. I would start bargaining; I would permit myself to be who I am in private only. I couldn't accept that either, and this of course led to depression.
Depression left me with no choice. Either I could accept myself or ... I could accept myself. When I realized that it was truly a matter of life or death it became really clear for me; I wanted to live. The only way I could do that was to stop hating myself, and learn to accept. I've heard it said before that we should accept the people we cannot change (others), change the one that we can (ourselves) and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.
(The wisdom still hasn't come on the last
one... I'm still trying to change other people – but they're tougher light bulbs than I am). I was left with only one person to change: myself, and I wanted to change.
The five stages were complete, and who I was – died. Is there some sort of ceremony for this type of thing? Any sort of mourning? I tried; I wore black for a number of months, I buried my old clothes, pictures, reminders.
Something funny happened on the way to the funeral. I came into being. I finally acknowledged that I existed, and wasn't just someone that everyone wanted me to be. I have to tell you, it's a very fragile and vulnerable state – to be open for the first time in my life. I was left with nowhere to hide. My great acting career was over. No Academy Award. No last curtain call. The audience was in shock. Me - I became defensive. I could no longer pretend to be something that I wasn’t.
It's at this stage that coming out to others is necessary. Find someone you know who will be supportive to start. Counselors are generally a good choice, or it may be friends, or a compassionate family member. Counselors, assuming they're good, which many are, are not affected by your choices - they are not losing anyone. Be careful of religious counselors, they may have a belief system that cannot comprehend what you are going through, and they may not be educated enough to understand that this is not a choice.
Not everyone is going to understand, some as I've said will be in shock. Others will say: “hah, I knew it all along, you weren't fooling me.” (Chances are you were, but people never want to admit it.)
Many will think this means you're gay. This is a difficult concept for people to understand, especially as it has nothing to do with who you are attracted to.
Not everyone is going to be supportive. They have their own reasons. They are losing someone they loved, someone they knew for a long time, and face it - people don't like change. They deal with it like it's a problem they have to solve, or, if they can't solve it, pretend it didn't happen. They won't remember your name. They won't remember your gender. They will continually go back to who you were, and ask; “why couldn't you still be that person?”
Some people will care, they may not understand, but they will care. They will see the damage that has been caused by not being accepted, they will recognize the depression and anxiety that you have gone through, and they will be happy that there is finally something that will change that. They will embrace the change and support you. You will find people like that in your life, all you have to do is continue to look until you do.
Breaking the news...
Many people do it by letter, here's one that I like:
Dear So and So, I have suffered from gender dysphoria all of my life, until I couldn't take it any more. I am not gay, nor am I a cross dresser. My outward body and brain do not match. I hope you'll understand the pain I've been in all my life. I didn't keep this from you as a lie, but from the fear of losing you as a good friend. I have had a lifetime of not accepting myself, I could hardly expect anyone else to. But now, I find I have to acknowledge the truth, and I would like to thank you in advance for your compassion and friendship. This is not an easy thing to take, and I understand it may take some time to get used to. Obviously I will look different, but I am the same heartless bastard I've always been, but now you can call me a bitch, - you get the idea. I never chose this. It happened before I was born. I have just had to live with it. If you have any questions, I would be happy to talk to you about it.
Thanks for your understanding.
Katherine McDonald,
Nee Joe Smo,
p.s. my name is Katherine, but you can call me Kate, please don't call me Joe, Mr. Smo, or sir.
You will have to make certain changes to this letter to match your situation – you may not be named Katherine for example.
What to expect when you are
expecting...
Success in transition all depends on your expectations. For trans girls, we are about to join a club that dumped us when we were little, wanted us in a way we couldn't give them when we were older, and now sees us as competition. If we barely fit in, they love us because they don't feel threatened. If we look good, they hate us, in a friendly way – our breasts don't sag, our faces are fresh, we don't have stretch marks from children, and we don't have a period – what's not to hate? (Keep in mind we have been kept on ice for a very long time). Be prepared to be nice, friendly and humble, and be open to learning. There is a lot to learn, and a whole lot more to unlearn. You have just been invited into a foreign culture. Do not assume you know all the nuances. Watching on the sidelines is not the same as being part of life.
So what are your expectations? For myself, I would love to be a runway model, falling in love with a rich handsome man, with whom we can have a beautiful family and live on the Riviera.
Dreaming is good, but reality is necessary. I will never be a runway model, although there are a number of girls who are and have been. Ms. Cossey, for example, is quite beautiful. But for me, reality is well... a little bit more mundane. I expect to be able to earn enough money through any number of various employments and volunteer work, (or the sale of this book) to pay for hormones, makeup, clothes, electrolysis and other little essentials ... (like food).
It should all be fairly easy, shouldn't it? I finally have the courage to face what I must do, now what? Do I just go to my doctor and ask for a prescription? Perhaps... though most doctors will require a psychologist. This is not because the doctor is suffering from some mental malady, (they may be, but they prefer not to be diagnosed so that it doesn't interfere with their license). No, they need to determine that we are suffering from gender dysphoria. The obvious statement, 'I am a girl', is insufficient.
My first visit to the doctor went something like this:
I tell him I have parts of my body that
clearly do not match my gender. He looked at me and asked “Well why do you want to become a guy?”
I look at him funny. “I don't.”
He hesitated. “Umm what were you at birth?”
I tell him, “A girl.”
He's about to ask again why I want to be a guy.
He stops. - “Umm what did they write on your birth certificate?”
I tell him.
He stops again.
The information is not computing. The girl in front of him wants to be a girl.
“You need to see a psychologist. I can't help you.”
The next doctor I went to, I simplified it for them. A doctor may rely on me for all kinds of information, like my name, address, date of birth, any allergies that I may have, my medical history, but as far as knowing my gender...