Twelve Steps
Unlocked
By
Dell Miller, CADCII &
Linda Miller, B.A.
Copyright ©2011 Dell Miller
Smashwords Edition
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Library of Congress registration number TX7-368-654
ISBN
978-0-578-07958-5
Heron Publications
P.O. Box 1579
McMinnville, Oregon 97128
This book is dedicated to all those who have entered through the doors of recovery to achieve the freedom from addiction using the Twelve Steps. Even those who were working the Twelve Step program and relapsed, received dignity and self-respect that no one could take away from them for the time they remained free from addictions.
I once was going to a Twelve Step meeting and an older woman walked in the door before the meeting had started. She asked if anyone knew her daughter Elizabeth, who had been attending the meeting for almost a year. She reported that her daughter had moved to New York and shortly after she relapsed, and had just died of an overdose a few days earlier. She said that when her daughter was living with her and attending the Twelve Step meetings, her daughter reported that the past year was the best year of her life. She said, “I wanted to thank you for giving my daughter happiness back into her life before she passed.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the house, many of the members embraced her and gave her comfort.
Dell has been working in the field of addictions field for over 35 years and has continued to invest in his 12 Step recovery. Dell and Linda Miller have been working together at various treatment agencies in the field of addictions since 1988. This book was written in first person perspective from Dell M. with assistance from Linda Miller, providing a balance of experience in this resource for both men and women working a Twelve Step program. Dell The stories that are shared in this book are from people in recovery with whom they have had personal involvement.
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Inc.
The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and a brief excerpt from Alcoholics Anonymous are reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (“AAWS”) Permission to reprint A.A. material does not mean that AAWS has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that AAWS necessarily agrees with the views expressed herein. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only - use of A.A. material in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, or in any other non-A.A. context, does not imply otherwise.
These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
From Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, How It Works, pages 59, 60. © A.A. World Services, Inc. Reprinted with the permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.
In some cases, where other Twelve Step groups have adapted the AA Steps as guiding principles, they have been altered to emphasize principles important to those particular fellowships, to remove gender-biased or specific religious language.
Most of the alternate wordings are in Step One and Step Twelve in various other Twelve Step programs. Such as Step One: We admitted we were powerless over ___________ - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Table of Contents
Statement Alcoholics Anonymous World Services
Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
The Introduction to the Core of Addictions
Victim and Offender Common Characteristics
Victim and Circumstances Pattern
Johari Window and Twelve Step Programs
Sponsorship, the Essentials of Being Teachable
Benefits of Working the Twelve Steps
This book has been written to give a fundamental, nuts and bolts understanding of how the Twelve Steps work for men and women in recovery. There is clarity in presenting an understanding of not only addictions, but how Twelve Step programs aid in restoring recovering addicts’ lives. It was written by a recovering alcoholic and addict, who also has been a counselor in the field of addictions over the past thirty five years.
We will look at how addictions grow into taking control of our lives and a simple understanding of how denial replaces self-awareness. This book examines characteristics of addictions that seem to follow certain patterns, which will be reviewed in depth. We will show how addictions deteriorate the fabric of our relationships and ourselves. We will give a clear understanding of the architecture of the Twelve Steps with insight into motive and purpose of how the Steps can be implemented. The stories of those who have had the courage to make the program part of their lives are used for illustrating how the program works. This book breaks down the Steps, offering tools in building a higher awareness of our actions to improve the quality of our relationships with others. Another precedent shows how the program aids in being in charge of our health and physical recovery.
The flavor of what recovery is about is accented throughout this book. You will see the program from the inside out and how the networking of the fellowship is an integral part of working the Steps. We have also contributed to a website for downloading Step worksheets to aid the reader in their recovery at www.12StepsUnlocked.com. This book will give an in-depth understanding of how the culture of recovery works outside of the Twelve Step meetings. It offers an understanding of the resources which are a “must know” to experience what recovery/sobriety can be. The material is insightful, and sometimes offers the true joy and humor that accompany recovery. This book introduces a refreshing perspective which may offer answers to some of the hardest questions we approach in working our sobriety/recovery in the Twelve Steps.
Understanding the Core to Addictions
In this chapter we will begin by giving the basis for the book in layman’s terms, on how addictions operate and progress to control our actions. We will also review how Twelve Step programs assist in bringing stabilization to this chronic illness. We will provide insight into the realm of addictions and recovery. This will offer a blue print for any individual seeking recovery from alcoholism and addictions.
The fundamental principles behind addictions are that we use the substance or behavior from which we are addicted to change how we feel. Instead, we need to be using relationships with other people to change how we feel. Twelve Step programs in its’ simplest form helps people to build relationships with others to change how they feel. The Steps are worked in conjunction with others to assist the individual in regaining healthy relationships with others. Yes, the Twelve Steps have spiritual principles, but they are gained through the relationships with others. The purpose isn’t to build a spiritual program through the Twelve Steps, but it is a bi-product of working the Twelve Steps through our relationships with others.
We will show how the fabric of relationships weaves through our lives to build meaningful, personal values to our experience. We will give you a basic understanding of how communication with others is a vital part of a fulfilling life.
Our social values are the same as our personal values. We believe that we inherently have the same rights as others. We start out our lives with a blank slate, expecting that the rules we have for others are the same as we have for ourselves. This is how our minds perceive the world around us. This process sets the stage for developing unconditional relationships with other people which opens the door for intimacy to grow. Healthy relationships are built on unconditional expectations with others because it assists us in generating positive self-esteem and regard for others. For example, the effort we take to build an honest relationship with a Significant Other gives us the bi-product of positive feelings about ourselves and our relationship.
Humility is the concept of self-value that renders us equal to others and is the building block for our spiritual connection with others. So the term ‘the door opens both ways’ is the basic building block for relationships. An unconditional relationship could be known as a relationship that exists when the standards and expectations are mutually agreed upon in a respectful manner of equality. The effort to build these relationships through honesty and communication strengthens the fabric of trust and intimacy between one another. This information flows freely in unconditional relationships with others. Underlying this is a fundamental spiritual connection with other people.
A conditional relationship is created when we use control or being controlled as the primary justification for being in the relationship. Our behavior in constructing these relationships with others is known as character defects. When we create addictions we’re no longer being filled with the sustenance from our relationships with other people, we are using substances to artificially mark the significance of a moment. As we are doing this, we splinter off our human relationships and that leads to building character defects.
So now we’re not looking at just the initial problem of the addiction – the drinking, the drug use, the addictive behavior – we’re delving into the subsequent problems that spill over into our personal relationships. In counseling people over the past thirty five years I have found the most serious devastation of addictions is the isolation that the person feels and experiences in their relationships with others. This creates an emptiness and vacancy of a spiritual connection with others. That emptiness then triggers us to try to create a relationship with others through control or being controlled, which is the basis for our character defects.
This innate connection with others is lost when we begin to abuse substances or get into compulsive behaviors. We lose the ability to have unconditional relationships and replace them with conditional relationships. As the person begins to abuse substances, relying on them to change how they feel rather than their personal relationships with others, they lose the intimacy and trust they had. These conditional relationships give us a perceived sense of purpose and meaning for being in the relationship or not. For example, through control of another person I determine the right to be in a relationship because they need me or through giving up my control to another person, I need them. To avoid personal and emotional contact with others, I may find excuses to be left alone.
When we think of what the gratification is that the person receives from addiction, it can be different for different people. Some see the benefit being a feeling of being invincible; another may be to numb them of conflict, stress and pain; to another a way to release the build-up of emotions. This perceived sense of reward fuels the continued obsession with addiction. As we indulge in the use of the substance or behavior to give us this reward, we have expended resources that we normally would have used in our relationships for the benefit of getting high. I no longer have to actively work on myself to feel good; I can synthetically build that with alcohol/drugs or addictive behaviors.
When my drive to use a substance triggers a loss of control in my behavior and causes harm to someone, instead of admitting to it I then justify my actions. This is because to set things right would take away the possibility of the reward being available. These justifications for our actions allow us to continue to perceive ourselves in the same manner, suggesting we are living with the same values of others. Since we are still living by these set of expectations for ourselves and others, we can proceed with our abusive behavior without feeling guilty. We have our cake and eat it, too. This false perception of self builds in our lives to develop into Denial. Remember, De-nial is not just a river in Egypt. Denial occurs in everyone, you could say that everyone lives in glass houses.
I was having dinner with my sponsor and his wife, both are psychologists, and as I entered they were having a conversation that everyone lives by two sets of standards. I listened to their conversation and stated that I thought I was pretty self-aware and I take great effort to be aware of my behavior in my relationships with others. I asked for an example how it pertained to my life and my sponsor asked how I felt about people digging up Native American burial sites and taking the loot for their own benefit. I said that I thought it was grave digging and frowned upon people taking items that were sacred to a culture’s heritage. He then said ‘you hike around a lot and you have shown me arrow heads and pottery chards that you have found, what makes you think they weren’t part of an unmarked burial site?’ I got it.
With all of us there are exceptions we have made where we have justified our personal actions. In being able to see a different perspective, we often have to ask for an objective view from someone else. As part of alcoholism or other addictions, people usually slip into patterns of denial which we automatically do to justify our actions.
Our conscious awareness of ourselves is determined by our value. I once went to hear a presentation by Dick Van Dyke, who at that time in the mid 1970’s was noted as recovering from alcoholism. He was asked what the most valuable lesson was in his recovery. He responded by saying that his values changed based on his changing needs. An example of this may be of a woman who is partying with friends, drinking and using drugs. When she becomes pregnant she may change her values or expectations of herself and stop using during her pregnancy. Thirty years later in an interview with Robin Williams, who had just went through treatment for his alcoholism, he was asked why he went into treatment. He said he ‘couldn’t lower his standards fast enough to keep up with his actions.’
The reference I am making here is that in life we are born with a consciousness and we govern our behavior by what rules we expect others and ourselves to act by, known as values. In our perception our rules are the same for ourselves as they are for others. Our ability to follow those expectations gives us a perceived clarity of who we are pertaining to our present life experiences, as in our reflection in the mirror. As time goes on in our life we make certain exceptions to ourselves because of the desire or satisfaction that we prefer to continue to experience. Because we are social beings it is a priority that we have the same expectations of others as we have for ourselves. So in order to continue with the behavior we have to justify our actions in some way. Through gradual exceptions we make to our behavior, we develop an equal amount of excuses and justifications to compensate for them. As time goes on, eventually the image we see in a mirror is different than that of what other people see.
I had a man in treatment named Jack who came into group saying he was extremely angry at his ex-wife and she was setting him up to relapse. Jack reported that he was going to have visitation with his five year old daughter last weekend and his wife refused to have her stay the weekend at his apartment. Jack reported that part of his commitment to stay sober was for his daughter, and his ex’s actions are causing havoc with his recovery. A peer then responded to Jack, that he is in the same boat having visitation with his own daughter. The same peer then said, he knew Jack well and that they worked and drank together for years, and he knew that Jack was committed to his recovery and sincere about remaining sober. His friend included that although he is sincere about his recovery he still has buddies come over that bring alcohol to his apartment and Jack hasn’t gotten the strength to tell them to get out. The peer then said ‘Don’t you think your wife has got the same intentions as my wife has, that she just wants your daughter to be safe?’ He nodded and exclaimed that it was his problem, not hers that got him in these circumstances. Often these choices are very gradual in our life, and as our actions change we don’t even notice the layers of justifications, rationalizations and excuses we have made.
I once had a rancher in treatment. During group an assistant of mine, who started facilitating the group, asked the rancher how much he drank a day. He responded “two drinks of scotch” and the assistant replied in a comment of disbelief saying, “Two drinks are all?” The rancher firmly said “Yes, that’s how much I drink a day”. The assistant was going to move on and I intervened, asking the rancher ‘How big are those drinks, are they whiskey shot size?’ He responded, “No, I have those tumbler size glasses I keep in the kitchen”. I asked how big they were, and he responded about so big, gesturing about 16 oz. I asked if he used any mix, and he said “No, I like the taste of scotch.” I asked if he used ice and he said “No, I like my scotch room temperature.” I said, “So, you drink 32 ounces of scotch a day?” He replied, “Yes, two drinks.” He wasn’t trying to hide his use, but the methods of concealment were in having to ask the right questions to get an accurate answer. This would be considered a guarded reaction to the question. These layers keep other people out so that we can continue the self-gratification of our addictions. These defenses also act as a prison, which doesn’t allow the addict to escape from their addictions.
The defenses we develop as part of addiction and life experience become ingrained into our personality. It becomes a threat to strip someone of these defenses because they are losing a sense of their identity. The Twelve Step program assists people to let go of their past character defects as they surface in their lives and replace them with other, more functional assets.
The streets of Minneapolis were my proving ground for my addiction/alcoholism during my younger years. I went through a residential drug rehab program in 1973. The treatment center did a comprehensive psychological profile test on me called MMPI. I thought that when I sat down with the psychologist as she read the results that it appeared she was frightened of me. She reported I had a sociopath/psychopath personality. I asked her what that meant and she said I would most likely be in institutions the rest of my life. I stayed sober after living in a halfway house, attended Twelve Step meetings and went back to school. In college three years later, I was in a clinical psychology class and they reported that the MMPI test was revamped to adapt to mostly young men who grew up around a lot of violence. Those men who had anger and apathy as a defense mechanism were miss-scored as sociopath/ psychopath personality types. I took another MMPI when I was sober twelve years and the test results only showed obsessive compulsive tendencies, which is characteristic of recovering alcoholics and addicts. The apparent psychopath/ sociopath personality was not there. If a person is a true sociopath, those tendencies would continue throughout their entire life.
What I am saying is that defenses can be so ingrained into our personality that it may take a gradual process to replace. On a humorous note, the psychologist was right, I have been working in treatment centers, so in institutions pretty much my entire life.
An example of perfect denial, I was working as a resident intern at a State Hospital, a patient who was schizophrenic believed he was Jesus Christ and walked around with a sheet wrapped around him. There was another Schizophrenic who believed he also was Jesus Christ that had arrived at the State Hospital. I wondered what the encounter would be like if they ever met. One of the residents ran into the ward stating that the two men who believed they were Jesus Christ were in a verbal fight in the courtyard in the middle of the grounds of the institution. I ran out and so was half of the State Hospital observing these two individuals reaction, they both were screaming at one another claiming that the other was an imposter.
There tends to be a common theme in the patterns of alcoholism and addiction that individuals construct in their relationships with others, which coincides with their pattern of abuse. Although not everyone’s pattern of addiction fits within these parameters, these patterns seem to follow characteristics found in post- traumatic stress, which are fight, freeze or flee. Often you may find some addicts having more than one pattern of abuse. These patterns were referenced in my previous book: Re*Union - Healing Our Victim and Offender Patterns, copyright 1993. The fighter would be identified as the controller/offender pattern in relationships in which they receive an uplifting feeling of invincibility in their addictions. Freeze would pertain to the addict in the victim role in relationships in which they receive the feeling of numbing their emotional, physical pain through their addictions. The flee reaction would be identified as an isolating/binging pattern in which the addict benefits from a release of emotions through their addictions. All three patterns identify the general parameters of addiction, which people with disabilities, mental health issues, chronic pain, trauma, cultural factors or other dynamics can contribute. We refer to alcoholic as addict or alcoholism as addiction often through the book to simplify the message.
1) The Fighter - This controlling/offender pattern develops by setting unrealistic expectations on their partner, maintaining control in the relationship and guaranteeing their place in it. It is difficult for the addict to look at their behavior as an offender, because it denotes being a criminal. The term offender in this fashion is used to identify controlling, self-serving behaviors which cause damage to others. The controlling behavior becomes more exaggerated as their addictions build in their life.
The offender, having no expectations for their own behavior, sets up a self-serving pattern of abuse of substances to feed their own gratification. They will often use “the high” for their personal gratification. This reward supplements the lack of intimacy in their relationships with others. In the progression of their controlling traits, the person in this role will continue to seek power and authority over the people they are closest to.
The addict places rigid expectations on ones they are closest to, which gives them the opportunity to dump their anger on their partners. Anger is used by them as the primary release of pent-up emotions. The individual uses anger for release of all their feelings in a purging fashion. They release fear, anger, loneliness, and sadness in one outburst. The addict in this manner is able to transfer their negative emotions to someone else, usually the people they are closest to. By expressing emotion in this way, they do not allow themselves to become vulnerable. The addict justifies their behavior in ways that blocks them from seeing their own actions. In fact they don’t see their behavior as abusive. The individual does not see their behavior as offensive to others, but as self-care and self-protection. In most circumstances the person in their role would stop their behavior if they saw their actions as hurting people they love. This has been the case for years, the most common form of addictions are control/offender oriented. Abusers tend to surround themselves with others who accept their control, which reinforces their justifications for their behavior. These individuals use their charisma, intelligence and power to position themselves as the leader/authority figure.
Another controlling pattern is caretaking others, believing that they are doing things in the best interest of others. They are not taking into consideration the receiver’s views on the matter. They are excellent managers and workers because their capability in this area serves as a position of power. They realize the world doesn’t revolve around them, but they believe because of their abilities they deserve special entitlement recognition and reward.
In their reliance on the addiction to fill their lives, they have lost ability to have unconditional relationships with others. Again they use this position of control in relationships to justify their right to be in a relationship. Without these relationships they feel un-needed and that they are an outsider. These individuals are certainly not going to exhibit their control issues in every relationship, but in those that are most significant.
People in Twelve Step recovery have been successful in bringing balance back into their lives. When people drink, their inhibitions lower and they become more aggressive. More often than not I have heard people report that when they are drinking, they can be aggressive and abusive to people around them and the ones who suffer the most are their family.
A client of mine reported that he thought he would never strike a woman, but due to his drinking he found this circumstance happening in his relationship with his wife. After one incident she called the police and he was subsequently ordered to participate in anger management and treatment for his alcoholism. This was how he came to be in treatment with me. He acknowledged awareness that the unrelenting amount of hours he put into his two jobs placed pressure on him and he began putting unrealistic expectations on his wife. In his closing assignment in treatment he reported him and his wife and children have been closer than they had been for years. He reported his attitude was negative and impatient toward the time his wife and family expected of him when he was in his addiction. His worst fear was falling back into the same attitude he had before his recovery. We talked about his involvement with Twelve Step meetings being an insurance policy to continue to reinforce those same values he was introduced to.
Yes, people in recovery can see the difference and view addiction almost as a horror story of them being Jekyll and Hyde. An elderly man who had come into treatment appeared kind and loving in his interactions and could not see how his behavior had caused harm to his wife. After all, he was just having a few well deserved drinks to offset his life in retirement. He was asked to talk to his wife about what her perception was. She brought out a tape recording that she had made of him when he was drunk the previous summer. He was appalled at his sharpness and ridicule of his wife when he was under the influence of alcohol.
In some cases simply stopping the pattern of addiction can curb a lot of their behaviors, but some character defects are more deeply embedded. Of course no one would give up such a powerful position in a relationship without some type of intervention consequence that leads them to recovery. This could occur due to family, job, legal, or medical consequences. In Twelve Step recovery we call this hitting bottom. The addict has to literally be cornered in order to face their problem. Once their addictions have been confronted through some type of intervention they may be ready to enter recovery. This is a moment of clarity that is very special to the recovering addict. They are in one of the most fragile positions they have been in their lives. Their hardened defenses begin to dwindle away as you look into their softened eyes seeing pain and emptiness. They change from hardened, tough individuals to teddy bears. It is essential that they have access to resources to assist them in their road to recovery. If resources are not available they could slip back into the darkness of their addictions. They may enter through treatment or counseling and become introduced to Twelve Step programs.
It is essential for the addict to have family involvement in their recovery. I have found that there is a substantially higher level of recovery with family involvement. The addict has to look at the unrealistic expectations they had for those closest to them. They also need to look at how their addiction lacked rules that were needed to govern their behavior. This awareness allows them to put their expectations of others and themselves in a realistic proportion. These individuals tend to be open in disclosure about their issues, which makes it easier for the person to move from a state of compliance to acceptance of having a problem. Still, denial is a factor that contributes to their inability to see their actions.
For example: A client reported that the way he ended up in treatment was due to him being drunk and getting in an argument with his wife. He ended up, in his anger, taking his gun and shot the sofa. When asked where his wife was, he then admitted that she was also sitting on the sofa at the time.
Twelve Step programs and counseling can aid the individual in healing those damaged relationships. We need to clean up the wreckage in our own back yards to build a strong recovery program.
2) Freeze Pattern - The first category we will define is a victim in a long term adult relationship with an offender. Victims must acknowledge the controller/offender’s authority in the relationship, which guarantees their place in it. We may not think of this as control, but by staying in the relationship with the offender they are exhibiting a choice, although the benefits don’t seem appealing.
The victim gives control over to the offender which offers them the convenience of not having to make any major decisions. The control they’re exhibiting is guaranteeing them a place in a conditional relationship. Their interactions set them up as being the fall guy in the relationship. The victim sets rigid expectations for themselves and no expectations on how the offender treats them; or they are afraid to hold them accountable out of fear of further abuse. In some cases acknowledging it is their fault in the relationship, prevents any further retaliation from the offender. The lack of consistency between the rules and expectations for themselves and others creates a window of vulnerability. The rigid rules and expectations for themselves encourage a self-fulfilling prophecy of chaos and helplessness. They will use their addiction to numb the emotional pain in their lives.
The victim is in a balancing act a lot of the time in their relationship. They tend to be the carrier of the burdens for their partner they are vested in. I am not saying it is a conscious effort for the victim to continue in the relationship, but through their innate lack of self-esteem they tend to believe this is the only type of relationship they deserve, can get or simply that there are no other choices available to them. The victim uses their drug of choice or behavior as an addictive crutch which will either manifest itself into further isolation or into another abusive relationship. This does paint a disturbing picture of how the person becomes imprisoned in these relationships.
Certainly there is hope for the addict/alcoholic who gets into these patterns. They can develop meaningful, nurturing relationships with others in recovery. Many women’s Twelve Step meetings focus on self-empowerment and codependency awareness. Of course women aren’t the only addicts to suffer from victim patterns in relationships and solutions are found for all who are searching for recovery. This book gives a balanced perspective and understanding of victim dynamics and how to break free from those character defects by working the Twelve Steps.
Brenda was a chronic alcoholic and was married to a Doctor who was prestigious in the community where they lived. He was verbally and physically abusive toward her. Her drinking was the usual excuse he used to abuse her. One day he came home and she had been drinking. She reported that he beat her until she went unconscious in a coma. He left her lying on the floor in the kitchen. A colleague of his dropped by the house and found her 36 hours later, lying on the floor in dried blood but still alive. Her husband was not convicted of physical abuse because he denied he had beat her, stating she had been intoxicated and someone else must have done it. She entered treatment and he filed for a divorce. He had ample proof of her alcoholism through her history of DUII’s and other factors, so he was about to win the case of not providing any support to her. She came back into the office for a visit a year later, she was sober and happy and going on a cruise with another woman in recovery. She reported her ex-husband had died from a stroke just before the divorce was finalized and she got everything.
Next is an example that reflects a man in a victim role. A client named John was in treatment for his substance dependency and his significant other (S.O.) was known to be verbally and physically abusive towards him. He reported that his S.O. came home intoxicated and began to break things in the household that were his. He realized that the conflict was that he was getting sober and his partner was not. He took a bed at a local Oxford House, which is a recovery half way house, for sanctuary to continue his recovery. In treatment he was able to recognize that he was the scapegoat for his partner’s ridicule of him, which put his partner in a position of control in the relationship. After a year sober he recognized that his attempt at reconciliation in the relationship was impossible and moved on with his life.
Victim and Offender Common Characteristics
Both victim and offender relationships develop a conditional relationship with one another. They develop into two sides of the same coin, as one cannot exist without the other. When people establish victim or offender identities in their lives they also establish strong justifications for having them. Both roles are rigid and people believe they cannot change their identity: the victim, with the sense of hopelessness; and the offender, with the denial of pain.
Offenders conceal their wounds, never allowing them to be exposed to heal. The victims have no boundaries to their wounds, allowing other sources of conflict to irritate them, never allowing them to heal. The inflexibility in rules and expectations that both victim and offender present shows alienation in their relationship with others.
Clearly the rules and expectations they have for themselves are not equal to the rules and expectations they have for others. The impact of this alienation from others impairs the ability to develop any true sense of intimacy in relationships. The loss of spiritual connection with others voids the potential for compatibility and balance in our relationships. In order to co-exist in our relationships we create a sense of direction through these victim and offender patterns. In our behavior as an offender and as a victim we will create an interaction which we control.
As a victim, we use internal control of our environment by assuming responsibility for the outcome, thus creating a sense of position and negative empowerment with others. Offender behavior utilizes external control to repel others, while victim behavior uses internal control to attract others. Control is a major influence in the victim’s fight to survive, fed by their need for approval from others. Victim and offender traits are also progressive and will continue to consume larger portions of our true self. These masks block our ability to gain nurturing relationships through trust and intimacy. The unending peril of unmet needs and unresolved trauma perpetuate further development of the behaviors.
The victim identity in contact with an offender identity will establish a dependent/authority relationship. Here the victim identity recognizes the offender as a source of power or authority, while the offender identity will recognize the victim as a dependent. It is a dance which clarifies the identity of each other. They are truly in a hostage relationship with one another. We justify being an offender and/or victim, saying that is the price we have to pay to sustain a valuable relationship. The person builds a conditional relationship through sustaining unrealistic expectations of each other. One of the founding fathers of a mediation model was Paul Forgash, PhD. I was working with him at a program called Victim/Witness in 1984, which was a pilot program for victims of crime, and is now in every County Attorney’s office in the country. I was using his method of mediation to counsel alcoholic/addicted families and was very successful. Paul Forgash was a mentor of mine and I asked him personally how he came up with the concept. He told me they were basic concepts of mediation he had found while working at the Los Angeles Police Department on a pamphlet for hostage negotiation.
Relationships that develop in the alcoholic/addicted family systems create hostage relationships with their partners and family members through victim and offender patterns. The offender has rigid expectations of others around them, and the victim has rigid and high expectations of themselves.
Victim of Circumstances Pattern
The second category is the victim of circumstances. This is a pattern a person may encounter, that creates a change in our lives of which we are not in control. This could be due to physical disability, mental illness, trauma, chronic pain, or losses. Yes, losses happen to all of us, but when we use addictions to help cope with those losses, we close off any ability to gain support from others to share our grief. We become stuck in the grief cycle and the only ones who give us comfort are ourselves and our addiction. We can find no resolution because we are contained within the walls of the isolation of addiction. The person uses to numb their pain, which is only a temporary solution. In fact those who use substances often find their grief is intensified by their use of the substance.
Often when addicts go through a loss, their substance abuse intensifies in time, duration and amount consumed. The person gets stuck in self-pity, which could be termed self-grieving. In order for a person to get through a loss, they need others to share their grief.
When we bury a person we have pall bearers to assist in carrying the deceased. When we are in our addictions we have one pall bearer, that is us; and we have no ability to move on through the stages of grief to get to acceptance. The victims of circumstances who are addicted will be stuck in a victim pattern because they have no way of getting resolution to move on in their lives. There is resolution for these individuals through working the Twelve Step program. The person coming to terms with their loss sees the opportunity for new life to begin. Their transformation in recovery offers them new meaning for their losses, which strengthens their commitment for recovery.
A man named Jim had Polio at an early age, leaving half of his body affected. He had one arm that had very little muscle mass. He was brought up on a farm and left school at around fourth grade to help out on the farm, which left him illiterate also. Because of these conditions in his life he had an inferiority complex, but used his humor as a way of charming others. His life experience placed him in a victim pattern and he used alcohol to numb the emotional pain in his life, placing him in a downward spiral into alcoholism.
He went through a Residential Treatment Center in Minnesota and got sober attending AA. He worked at a treatment center for adolescents for twenty years. He was sober about twenty five years when his Polio developed a second crippling factor in his life through Post-Polio Syndrome. This syndrome is common for aging polio victims causing a decrease in capabilities, and for Jim caused a spiraling effect into depression.
I talked to him several months after that and he and his wife had purchased forty acres of land. They cleared five acres in the middle and were in the process of building a new house. His energy and mood changed 180 degrees and his health issues had stabilized. I asked him what triggered his change. He said when he got sober it was a turning point for his new life in recovery. He said when this new problem came up he thought, ‘Well, it looks like time to start all over again’. Jim said he used the Twelve Steps to deal with his medical condition which he was powerless over. His health stabilized with his attitude change once he began the process of charging forward with this new direction in his life. In the past 7 years since then, his Post-Polio Syndrome has stabilized and remained in remission; and he continues to live his program of recovery.
Another pattern of being a victim of circumstance is growing up in a household with an alcoholic/addict, and /or offender/victim. Children brought up in these family systems are caught in the grasp of the chaos of a dysfunctional family, which they had no choice in. Often there was no intervention for these children to escape and they developed skillful defenses which allowed them to survive.
When these children discovered alcohol and drugs, it gave them the only outlet that took them away from their pain. In adulthood, adding a substance or addictive behavior creates almost instant satisfaction to their complex lives, creating addictions in another manner. In this process the cart is before the horse. They grew up in the chaos of addiction, leaving them empty and using alcohol and drugs were the only thing missing in their lives. The term “Rehabilitated” acts as a factor in adjusting a person back to a normal set of values in which they had lost in their addictions. But if a person grew up in a family with addictions, they may never have known the possibility for unconditional relationships. These individuals sometimes wonder what is normal anyway. For these people, the person coming into recovery has to experience the changes in their life, sacrificing what they knew at least to survive in relationships for something they didn’t know. We call this term “Habilitation” because they are adjusting to a lifestyle and a different set of values that they never knew. The principles of the Twelve Step programs are still the same for these individuals to apply in their lives, but this doesn’t mean it’s any less reachable for them. Their reach for recovery is no further away than anyone else.
I myself grew up in a household where these factors were present. I was told by professionals that my chances for recovery were possibly unreachable. I simply chose not to believe in their statistics and that I had as much opportunity as anybody else, and I succeeded in my recovery.
People who have been victims from any set of circumstances can be left with Post-Traumatic Stress and need to seek professional help to aid them in their recovery. Twelve Step programs aid the individual in coming to terms with their losses and trauma by implementing the tools that are written in this book.
Chronic Pain is a contributing issue for a lot of people with addictions, which is part of being a victim of circumstances. People with chronic pain are not at fault for their condition, but physical and emotional pain can be overwhelming. I have worked with many individuals who had to accept that their pain was a part of life which they would have to manage indefinitely. As a counselor, I have found that working with their Medical Doctor and/or Naturopathic Doctor is a necessity for recovery to take route. Using the Twelve Step model program, I have seen countless individuals who have chronic pain take control of their lives again.
People with chronic pain often initially have circles of support other than the substance- they have family, friends, career, spirituality, hobbies and other interests. As time goes on the person withdraws from these circles of support because the intensity of the pain is preoccupying their thoughts. The person begins to lack the ability to benefit from these relationships. In the back of their mind they may be keeping track of how long it had been since their last dosage of the pills, because the pain is never gone. This turns into an obsession around trying to find a solution to their pain. They may turn from one doctor or procedure to the next looking for the cure, which they never find.
Their search turns to a temporary chemical solution. I have participated in chat rooms for chronic pain, and often I have heard people asking what drugs are working for them. Yes, it is perfectly natural to try to find a solution, but what this pattern of thinking brings about is the mental addiction to substance. This only brings about a temporary solution. This obsession to find a fix for the problem begins to cut away the important relationships in their life leaving them feeling alone and isolated. This is addiction. The solution that I have found for most of the clients that I have worked with was to find daily hope and to find a way of constructing their lives that they can honestly live with. With the nature of pain, it is random and can emerge in intensity after a period of calm. There are no cures or quick fixes, it is a lifestyle to which the person has to find what fits with their needs on a daily basis. People with chronic pain who are addicts often will find it necessary to continue to take pain killers for managing their pain. The person in recovery has to redefine the value of relationships in their life and rebuild their lives with the love and involvement with others in recovery.
While I was working in Tucson, AZ, a man called me, about his sister who had chronic pain and was addicted to narcotics. He asked me to set up counseling with her as they were re-locating her to Tucson for her health, and he was leaving later in the week. I told him the earliest I could get her in was next week, but that I would be at a Twelve Step meeting tomorrow night. I told him if she came I could meet her and get her connected with others in recovery. He said she was blind, so I told him he could bring her to the meeting; then he included she was in a wheel chair. I thought he was possibly making excuses for her to not come to the meeting. I told him that I thought it was wheel chair accessible, but if not we could assist her in getting into the meeting. I went to the meeting that night and after the meeting the man’s sister said “Yeah I just want to know who the @#% is who told my brother to carry me into the meeting.” I immediately took a liking to her. She had chronic arthritis and diabetes, but got into recovery. I called her the bionic woman because she had every joint replaced in her body including all her knuckles. She faced insurmountable odds in her life including getting her sight back only to lose it again, yet remained in recovery. She went back to school and became a pain therapist assisting other people to cope and live to the best of their ability.
I had another client who had chronic arthritis whose hands were disfigured by the disease. At an inpatient facility where I worked, another therapist thought he was intolerable because of his anger. I understood that with the amount of pain he lived with, who wouldn’t be angry. Anger is simply energy that can be tapped into for helping people making change in their lives. He had an amazing family that became an important part of his recovery. His family participated in a segment that I contributed to on the “Sobriety Game” in an article on ‘Alcoholism and the Family,’ cover story for Newsweek in 1987. By applying the principles of the program, he came out of his shell of alcoholism and addiction, transforming himself into a loving, caring man with enthusiasm toward his recovery.
3) Flee pattern - A scenario in the flee effect of relationships is the individual who isolates in their relationships with others, separating themselves from any intimacy. These people are identified as isolators/bingers. A binger in this context prefers to drink or use alone, using in a compulsive manner. Their control is exhibited through isolation, by doing so they no longer have to live by the expectations of others, only their own. The individual relies on the substance for their emotional needs. They develop a relationship with the substance almost as if it were their significant other. They continue to maintain relationships with others to function in society, but rely on the substance for intimacy. These individuals may become effective managers in their business relationships with others or with their family or friends. These individuals have high expectations about their performance and may or may not be aware of having a problem with substances or behaviors of addiction. They rely on their substance or behavior to fulfill and release their emotional needs, which trigger them to conceal it in some manner. They may try to control their environment to maintain control of their emotions. This of course is an impossible thing to accomplish so stress begins to build in their lives. The individual uses internal control of their emotions to suppress the feelings. The person will use the substances to release their built-up emotions. They present a facade that their lives are okay. In fact, they may exhibit an external profile of an easy going personality. This outside image is a camouflage to cover up what is going on inside of them. They have done so well that they cannot even see it. This individual builds a sense of secrecy about themselves in their intentions to others, to protect their relationship with the substance.
They tend to be organized and maintain relationships with other people, yet they fall short of sharing their true feelings with others. I haven’t been able to find clear data on how often this happens. This is the third form of character defect and addictive patterning that occurs. This individual will drink, use substances or addictive behavior with others, but will prefer to use alone. Often they will leave early from a party to drink or use in the privacy of their own homes. These individuals who close the curtains and drink or use in silence are bingers. They build up emotions in their personal life because of their rigid expectations of themselves, others, or events out of their control. It is a pattern that was set up for self-protection, triggered by victimization or through self-entitlement in protecting one’s source of gratification. This can also be seen when there is unavailability of the partner in meeting their significant other’s needs. For example a spouse stays at home with their children while their partner works out of town for long periods of time. The significant other may gradually develop a relationship with the substance to meet their needs.
When they drink they release their emotions and feel comforted. Some isolators/bingers have reported that once they ended their binge, the next day they felt a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse. These deep emotions can be translated into physical signs of distress. No matter what the outcome of the circumstances, the binger starts the cycle all over again.
The isolator/binger often relies on their cognitive abilities to manage their emotions and develop successful careers. They may try to hide their drinking or abuse from others by masking the smell, or hiding bottles. We often see these individuals as functional alcoholics or addicts, but the outcome is still the same as they become further isolated from others.
Usually from some type of outside intervention the person is confronted on their addiction. The initial intervention/confrontation usually triggers intense shame about their actions, because they have been excellent illusionists about the issue in their lives. Due to their high expectations of themselves they usually are a lot harder on themselves, often moralizing about their actions. This moralizing behavior is not an asset, but rather keeps them in denial of an honest portrayal of their addiction. Yes, because of the moralizing they will often respond out of compliance. Now that it is out in the open they tend to put an effort into making changes, but have a difficult time adjusting to acceptance of the problem in a realistic way.
The adjustment to attending meetings with others and sharing about their issues can meet with resistance. These individuals sometimes have difficulty adjusting to Twelve Step meetings because they can’t relate to the out of control stories that people share at these meetings about their lives.
Bingers, in fact, are too much in control of their lives and rely on their addictions for any release of emotions. I have seen these patterns of usage vary depending on the individual. Patterns may vary from people who drink on a daily basis to ones who drink periodically. They may go into binging activity or a cycle of abuse and then abstain for one week to nine months. The length of time that the person uses also varies from days to weeks. The person has developed a cycle of use that needs to be intervened on. Their cycle will trigger another binging pattern to begin. This cycle of abuse becomes a natural process for them and needs to be interrupted for recovery to begin.
Often redirecting the individual towards getting involved in service work can be a motivating factor because they again become strong contributors. Referring the binger to a professional Twelve Step meeting can assist them in building relationships with others, because they build relationships with others as associates. Involvement with a counselor in recovery may help them in developing stress management skills in learning to express their new found emotions.
Professional Twelve Step meetings are set up for professionals in the community that are concerned about their confidentiality. You will find higher functioning alcoholics and addicts attending these meetings.
I had a client who had previously been sober for eight years, and came in to address her relapse. Her drinking patterns were hidden, drinking alone at home. Gail had several different high profile careers which all ended due to the direct results of her drinking. She was intelligent and appeared motivated for making change. She had developed a physical dependency on alcohol and was provided with detox treatment. Several times she relapsed in the process of her stabilization from alcohol. Her family was involved in the intervention and provided support to her recovery. Her drinking patterns were creating further isolation in her life, hiding bottles, masking the smell and making excuses to miss family and social activities due to her intoxication. She stabilized and at present has four years in recovery, and is in college pursuing a degree in counseling.
Another individual was a Longshoreman who reported not drinking for six months to one year. Whenever he drank, which lasted several days of intoxication, he would usually get a DUII. He had nine DUII’s by the time I began working with him. I saw him recently and he reported having about ten years sober since his treatment and has remained sober successfully since. I told him that I use his case history in my education series to explain binge alcoholism and it has helped countless people. He left, grinning ear to ear.
Sometimes you find people who enter Twelve Step programs and get into a cycle of periodic relapse. In some cases this has translated into another cycle of relapse which changes their regular pattern of abuse of substances into a binge addiction. They may get one month to a year sober and then relapse periodically. They stay consistent on the length of time sober before they use again. These individuals get caught up in a cycle of not being able to correct their behaviors that trigger this course of action. Their sincerity for recovery is there and their motivation in working on their issues is significant.