Okay, I quit.
Now what?
Becoming a
Re-Invented Alcoholic
By:
Mark A. Tuschel
Legal Mumbo Jumbo
Okay I quit. Now what?
Becoming a Re-Invented Alcoholic.
Copyright
© 2011 by Mark A. Tuschel
Smashwords Edition
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher (CW Media, Inc.), except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief excerpts in connection with a review in a magazine, newspaper, website or other electronic media. Additionally, many other legal words and jargon apply, such as: Ipso facto, corpus juris, corpus delecti, Corpus Christie, e Pluribus Unum, duecis tecum, quid pro quo, caveat emptor, vidi vici vichi, igpay atinlay, fartus muchus, whodunit, fukiffino and much much more legal gobbledy-gook.
Published by: CW Media, Inc.
All inquiries about this book, including interviews, purchases or speaking engagements can be made through email: booksales@LivingSoberSucks.com
Please do not bother contacting the Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data. They have enough problems of their own and they’re pretty busy from what I hear.
ISBN 13: 978-0-9842730-5-8
Dedication:
“To
you.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me,
but you have
helped me. Thank you.”
Mark A. Tuschel
“I
understand that I will not get all that I want, but I will make my
best effort to make it all happen. I will also be prepared to adapt
my schedule and my life to conditions, but I will NOT adapt or
compromise my core principles.
These are the things that I want in
life and this is why I will stay sober. It is up to ME to stick to my
plan and make the things I plan happen in my life.”
Mark A. Tuschel
Table of contents
Introduction
#1
– Facing reality
#2
– What do YOU want out of sobriety?
#3
– Develop a reward system
#4
– Further your mind
#5
– Further your body
#6
– Relationships, family and friends
#7
– Parties, events and social gatherings
#8
– Finding new sober friends
#9
– Do you need AA or a God?
#10
– Being comfortable as yourself
#11
– Can I ever go back?
#12
– Not spreading the good word
Closing
thoughts
Acknowledgements
Introduction:
Stopping destructive drinking can be the easy part, but what do you do tonight, tomorrow, this weekend, when you go on vacation, for the rest of your life? That is the hard part. This book will hopefully help you discover some of those answers.
If all you want to do is stay sober, then simply lock yourself in your own home or apartment. Create your own self-imposed prison. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t go out. Don’t go to parties, events, sports, music, entertainment or social gatherings. You can also insulate yourself from the rest of the world by surrounding yourself with only “program” people or people from your exclusive sober club. You can do that if you wish, but you’re only robbing yourself (and possibly others who are close to you) of a fully exciting and interesting world that is available to each of us.
The act of drinking requires time. Not just pouring a drink into your mouth, but all the hours which revolve around it. Sitting around with other drunks at a bar, sitting at home staring at the TV, drinking and shooting the breeze with neighbors or friends, whatever. Most of us drink and don’t do much of anything else while we’re drinking. Oh sure, we might be doing chores or working on a project, but drinking really does require focused attention and TIME. Then of course there’s the time afterwards or the next day to recover from our previous day or night of drinking.
Once that act is eliminated from your life, you’re left with a lot of time on your hands. So now what do you do with that time? This is going to be a process of discovery. Discovering what you find interesting and what things bring you joy.
If you were once a drunk, sobriety can be a difficult existence, because you will have to approach problems, human interactions, socializing and entertainment through a clear mind. Sobriety brings with it a clarity of reality and personal limitations.
Maybe you’ve only been sober for one day, maybe five years. This book is for the person who has already quit drinking. I’m not going to try and persuade you to quit, I don’t give a shit what you do – YOU have to give a shit about what you do.
Polished psychobabble and an expansive vocabulary are pretty, but there’s nothing pretty about being a slave to alcohol. So I’m going to speak in simple, straightforward terms. This book can get raw, crude or profane – as are most drunks. You might disagree with many of my philosophies. And you know what? That’s great! Because that means that YOU are thinking on your own behalf.
This book is not the final answer to all questions about sober living. It is written based upon my own personal experiences and the input and experiences of thousands of other Re-Invented Alcoholics. I have had the joy of being able to interview and befriend many of these people. Writing this book and working with other former drunks is beneficial to me. I get to learn techniques to enjoy my own sobriety more and I get to learn from thousands of other Re-Invented Alcoholics.
Notice that there are 12 Chapters of, Okay, I quit. Now what? That isn’t irony, I planned it that way. I like to call these, “The 12 Alternative Steps for the Re-Invented Alcoholic.”
We can spend our entire lives searching and waiting. Waiting for the day that everything comes together and everything is perfect, then we’ll be happy. Why wait? As a good friend of mine said, “It’s never too early to start.” Don’t wait. – Mark Tuschel
Chapter #1) Facing reality
“It’s never too early to start.” – Jeff K.
What reality do you have to face? The reality that YOU no longer drink. You might tell yourself, “I’ll never drink again.” But some people don’t like to think in “never” terms, so instead maybe you tell yourself, “I’m not going to drink today, tomorrow or in the near future.” You could also say, “I’m not going to drink indefinitely.” However you want to say it to yourself, the reality is that YOU no longer drink. You don’t need to add qualifiers like, “I can’t” or “I shouldn’t” drink. Simply accept the fact that YOU no longer drink.
Don’t worry about anyone else, just worry about YOU. That’s another part of sober reality – other people can and will continue to drink, some socially, some to excess, some to death. That’s not your problem, it’s theirs. The sooner you accept this reality the sooner you will stop feeling as if you have been singled out to suffer. You won’t be as tempted to look down at anyone else who does drink and you won’t feel compelled to spread the “good word” of sobriety to everyone you meet.
Here are more realities that you will inevitably face: temptation, self-doubt and self-pity. Anger, guilt, frustration and sadness. Feelings of loneliness and isolation; like you’re the odd person in a group or party. The dissolution of friendships and relationships. Excess time on your hands and unspent money in your pocket. Feelings of superiority, boredom, a lack of enthusiasm. These are just a few realities you’re likely to encounter. I’m sure there will be others that I haven’t mentioned that you will experience.
Some would say that many of these items that I term as realities are emotions or conditions which are clinical symptoms of depression. If you’re being treated for depression you probably exhibit many of those traits, but every former drunk is not clinically depressed. As a Re-Invented Alcoholic you will, at some point in your life, struggle with temptation, be angry, have unspent money in your pocket and be bored – but that doesn’t mean you’re suffering from depression. I believe that we former drunks feel these emotions differently than someone who suffers from depression. I consider them realities that must be faced up to and dealt with for the rest of our sober lives. So allow me to briefly touch on the realities I just listed.
Temptation: There is no question that you will inevitably encounter moments of temptation, unless of course you’ve locked yourself away into your own prison or refuse to engage with the rest of the world. At some point you’re going to be somewhere and you’re going to feel like drinking. An event will occur in your life (good or bad) and you’ll feel like drinking. Many functions pre-pour or set out glasses and bottles of wine. Just because complimentary champagne is offered at a wedding reception doesn’t mean you have to grab a glass. You can toast with your water goblet or coffee cup. You never know when someone is innocently going to offer you a drink, or worse, someone who’s drunk will push a drink on you. “Aw c’mon you pussy, you can have one drink. It’s my birthday, c’mon. What’s the matter with you?” Those are the dicey moments, the few seconds where you can still say, “no thanks.”
Accept the reality that temptation will come at the most peculiar and inconvenient times. A lot of former drunks talk about “triggers.” An aroma, a song, an activity, event or certain people can trigger your temptation to drink. You may not know why these triggers hit. Some are obvious triggers, for example you’re at a wine tasting party or a beer guzzling contest. Other times triggers will come out of nowhere at the least expected moment. You need to always have your own reminder statements ready in your head. Not that you walk around constantly repeating a mantra, just have them ready because temptation is inevitable. Here are a few examples of reminder statements for you to keep in your mind. Naturally you want to come up with some on your own or special ones that resonate with you.
“Drinking
right now will NOT make my life better in the future.”
“I
promised myself, I can’t let myself down.”
“Don’t do it,
you know better.”
“This too shall pass.”
“I will NOT
let the motherfuckers win.”
(The last one happens to be my favorite.)
Self preservation mantras are only one part of controlling temptations. The reality is that you might have to remove yourself from an event and leave the tempting environment. That’s right, you might have to leave a party early or walk away from a group of people. Plan ahead and bring your own car so you can leave when you want. If you don’t have your own car or can’t get a ride with a sober friend then you might have to pass on some invitations – that’s the reality.
Self-doubt and self-pity: These thoughts will also be inevitable, especially when you’re feeling lonely or you have to pass on some tempting invitations. Every time shit doesn’t turn out as you had hoped, you will be plagued by these feelings. “My friends all abandoned me, my kids still disobey me, my wife/husband/partner has become distant from me. Was this really worth it?”
When almost anything goes wrong in life, you’ll think of some reason, some twisted logic to correlate your getting sober as the cause of this situation. Then you’ll doubt your decision and feel sorry for yourself. But if you stop and look for the real causes, you will likely see that your sobriety has nothing to do with it or that the situation would have been far worse if this particular event took place and you were still drinking.
There will be some situations that are directly related or linked to your sobriety. The ending of friendships or relationships is one example (I’ll touch on this shortly). Factual periods of loneliness and missing old friends are real, and can get you doubting your decision to live sober. But please remember that if these friendships ended because you no longer drink, were these true friendships? Why would you want to live a life of self-destruction just to keep someone as a friend?
Self-pity typically arises when you see other people drinking. “How come they can drink and I can’t?” Well, you could drink, you have every legal right to do so, but will it make your life better? Will drinking get you closer to your goals and what you want out of life? Will drinking bring you closer to the friends and relationships that you really care about?
Feelings of self-doubt and self-pity are natural. Accept that these feelings will occur and at times they will cross your mind. Have positive affirmations ready to think about. Remind yourself of the reasons why you sobered up in the first place. Force yourself to recall all of the good things that have come about and all of the bad things that you have undoubtedly avoided due to your sobriety. It may be helpful for you to make a list of all the bad things you have avoided and that have left your life since you quit drinking and refer to it when you’re feeling self-doubt.
Regardless of whether you’re drunk or sober, every plan and desire will not come to fruition – that’s just a reality. Consider all the other people in this world who don’t get everything or anything they hope for. While that doesn’t change your personal situation, it can help you overcome your feelings of self-doubt and self-pity.
Anger: You might find yourself getting angry at people who drink (including social drinkers). You find yourself getting angry at beer commercials on TV and angry at alcohol in general. This is another natural emotion, but there’s nothing to validate it. This type of anger goes hand-in-hand with self-pity: “I feel sorry for myself because I can’t drink, so I’ll get angry at those who do.”
Instead of being angry, try to see the humor in these things. Beer commercials for example. You can laugh at the humor and appreciate the creativity of the ad. You can also laugh at the reality of how unreal these ads are; the depictions of dopey guys getting hot women simply because they drink a certain brand of beer or that a certain beer makes them appear cooler, more coordinated and adept at sports… yeah right. Then there’s all the commercials that show only cool, beautiful young people dancing while the DJ plays hip songs, or they’re playing volleyball on a beach, everyone with tan, toned bodies. I know that that isn’t reality. So what? I can still enjoy the good looking people in the commercial, laugh at the humor or even joke about how it isn’t a reality.
When I find myself feeling anger towards others who are drinking, I stop myself and force myself to watch what is REALLY occurring. I frequently witness people progressively becoming drunker and drunker. I’ve seen many a happy couple turn vicious towards each other after they’ve both been drinking for a while. I watch the dynamics that evolve between people as they become increasingly drunker and arguments ensue. That’s when I’m able to say to myself, “I’m glad I’m no longer like that. That used to be me. How sad.” You might also become angry at yourself. Angry for things you have done, angry because you’ve been weak in the past, angry because you didn’t sober up sooner. You can’t change what WAS but you can change what will be.
Your anger can be used as a positive driving force. Anger is part of normal human fight or flight behavior. You fight through the urges to drink, you fight off destructive behaviors for your own self preservation, you fight for your right to be normal and go anywhere and everywhere you want. Your anger can be mustered to tell yourself, “I will not lose to alcohol, I have control over it.” The flight part is when you leave tempting environments or avoid them altogether. You flee from unhealthy people and bad influences in your life. You take flight to preserve your own health.
Anger can also be used to prove to others that you are strong. I use self-directed anger to stay sober. This may sound psychologically unhealthy but it works for me. Plenty of people said, “Mark will never stay sober, he can’t do it.” I want to prove them wrong. I will not give anyone who does not support my sobriety or thinks that I can’t stay sober the pleasure of being right. I will stay sober to prove any naysayer wrong. I don’t gloat or flaunt my sober power; I simply allow them to witness it. My anger serves me, so long as I don’t direct it towards any other person.
Guilt: You might feel guilty of your past behaviors. While you can’t undo things that you have actually done, you can accept responsibility for them. Some things you can (metaphorically) pay restitution for, some you can never repay or repair. If it’s something or someone that is important to you, then do your best to live amends. Notice that I didn’t say, “make amends,” but I said, “live amends.” Anyone can say, “I’m sorry” and then go on acting like an asshole. How you behave now and how you behave in the future is living your amends. If you’re truly sorry then you must live it.
You can offer a sincere and genuine apology. If the other person doesn’t accept it, so be it. You can’t be angry at them if they don’t accept your apology. Your apology doesn’t erase what you may have done (or what they think you did), but you can feel good about yourself for at least making the effort. I’m not suggesting that you hide from or deny your guilt. You have to live with the knowledge of what you may have done. You can only make sure that you don’t repeat the same behavior in the future. Sometimes others may try to make you feel guilty. Again, all you can do is offer an apology and attempt to make restitution. If all the other person wants to do is make you feel guilty, then you can either agree to their abuse or liberate yourself from knowing them. Feeling guilty won’t make you stronger. Acceptance of reality will make you stronger.
Frustration: You will battle with multiple types of frustration. Some examples are: Why do I keep thinking about alcohol? Why isn’t anything going as I planned? Why didn’t I do this sooner? I want to be happier with my sobriety but I’m not. I want more, now, faster!
People often feel frustrated because they think that they’re doing the “wrong” things. Don’t spend so much time thinking about, “what am I doing wrong?” Spend more time thinking about, “What have I done right? What can I do that is right” and then do more of those right things. You have to analyze and consider what isn’t working and what might be wrong, but you can’t dwell on the wrong. Make a note of what isn’t working and don’t repeat it. Focus more on thinking about the right things you can do and the right things that have worked for you in the past.
When you drank, problems, frustrations and inadequacies disappeared from your mind within the time it took you to catch a buzz – but the problems, frustrations and inadequacies still existed in reality. They usually showed up again the next morning when you were sober. Sobriety brings with it harsh realizations of your own personal limitations. Knowledge and acceptance of your limitations allows you to focus more on what your actual capabilities and strengths are, and then you can make the most of them. Most of us will never get everything (if anything) that we want – that’s reality – but it doesn’t mean that you can’t try. Quite often the process of trying is just as enjoyable and memorable as the final accomplishment.
Fixing relationships, furthering your education or learning new skills all take time, but we usually want them NOW. Frustration is a natural emotion, especially when you don’t get to where you want to be as fast as you want to be there. Life isn’t completed in an hour – it takes as long as you are alive to complete your life. You must accept the fact that you will have to be patient with yourself and patient with others as well.
Sadness and depression: Sadness can stem from many causes such as: Missing your old friend alcohol. Missing all the excitement you thought you once had or that you actually did have. Missing certain drinking friends. Missing the sensation of getting drunk. Sobriety not turning out to be what you were told it would be or had hoped that it would be. This might surprise you and it may not make you feel any better, but people who have never had a drink or rarely drink get sad and depressed too. Sadness and depression are normal, natural human emotions. Drinking was a way to mask or avoid those emotions. Now that you’re sober, you won’t be able to temporarily numb them; you’ll have to deal with those natural emotions in a new way.
Under normal conditions sadness comes and goes within a person’s life. Sometimes you have to just accept that you are sad on a given day and it may even go on for a few days. Typically sadness will dissolve away if you stay active and busy. If it continues for an extended period of time or if it debilitates you from leading a normal life, then you have to find out what the root cause of the sadness is. You might want to seek professional counseling, therapy, a physician, a personal coach or spiritual help. Those people can help you discover your root cause of sadness, but don’t expect them to bear your burden for you. You will have to be an active participant in its discovery and cure.
Trying to find a replacement for the excitement of alcohol can be destructive. Some replacements can be more detrimental to your health than drinking. Chasing after a quick substitute can lead to a substitute addiction and disappointment, which in turn will lead to more depression. Accept the reality that NOTHING can or will replace the mind and body altering sensation of getting drunk. There is nothing else like it. Accepting this may not rid you of your immediate sadness and depression, but it will help you come to terms with the reality that you no longer drink. You will then have to focus your mind on other healthy, productive and pleasant activities that do bring you joy. Do not seek an exact replacement for alcohol – there is NONE.
Feeling like the odd person in the group or at a party: It’s natural to feel isolated when you no longer drink. When you’re at a party or social gathering the only people you see are the ones who are drinking. If you go sit in a bar, that’s what most people are doing there – drinking. However, if you go to a concert, a comedy club, sporting event, wedding reception or party, and you were to look a bit closer, you’ll see that not everyone is drinking.
If you obsess about it and you’re constantly watching everyone else to see who is or isn’t drinking, you’ll never have fun at social events and you’ll never be able to interact normally. Other people who drink, that are not a part of your immediate life, are not your problem. Mind your own business. If it’s too much of a struggle for you or you’re too tempted to watch everyone else, then don’t go to public events or social gatherings where alcohol is served. Sorry, but you just gotta get over the urge to watch everyone else.
In the event you do venture out to social gatherings where alcohol is served, you can always carry a non-alcoholic drink in your hand if that helps you feel more normal. For example, I like to carry a glass of seltzer water with a twist of lemon. That way people aren’t always asking me if they can get me a drink. If they do ask, I say, “No thanks’, I’m fine” and I leave it at that. I don’t explain anything. If they offer to buy me a shot I say, “No I’m okay.” If I have to join in on a toast, I raise my glass of seltzer in celebration. If the person keeps pushing and prodding me to drink I impolitely tell them to, “fuck off and leave me alone.” If you feel odd, it’s only because YOU feel that way. You are not odd and if anyone tries to make you feel odd, get away from them immediately, they’re not healthy for you.
The dissolution of friendships and relationships: Some friendships and relationships will end as a result of your sober lifestyle and some will end by your own choosing. If you think about it, I’m sure that you’ve had plenty of friendships or relationships come and go while you were a drinker. A few (if not most) probably ended in drunken arguments. But now that you’re living sober, the ending of friendships seems to stand out more. We seem to miss the memory of how good a friendship was. If it was a friendship or relationship based predominantly on being drinking partners, then it wasn’t a good friendship to begin with.
It’s tempting to revisit old drinking friends because you miss them. I’ve done it. I’ve gone out with old friends and it wasn’t the best experience for me. I watched as they got plowed and I felt embarrassed and sad for them. But then I felt sorry for myself. I missed the memory of having drunken fun with them and it quietly made me wonder, “Maybe I could go back out with them and have only a couple of drinks?” They weren’t tempting me – I was tempting and teasing myself. I had to accept the reality that if a friendship isn’t good for my sober health then I’m better off without it, as painful as that may be. I’ve found new friends and the ones that have remained have become even better friends.
Excess time on your hands: Drinking takes up a lot of time; it requires dedication and focus. Don’t laugh, it does. When I drank, my every thought was planning ahead – planning how and when I could start drinking. Once I quit, I had a lot of time on my hands and I had no idea what to do with it. I’ll cover this subject in greater detail in Chapters #4 & #5.
The reality of feeling bored or overwhelmed can’t be avoided either. I had never seen my life through sober eyes before. Suddenly everything blatantly stood out; debt, clutter, halfhearted efforts, failed efforts, responsibilities. Having no experience at knowing what to do with all this time (and these ugly realities) made my newly undertaken sobriety even more agonizing. Sober, time felt like the enemy.
Initially I started attending meetings, randomly cleaning my house, doing odd projects around my house and occasionally exercising. I wanted to use up time, but I had no sense of purposeful direction so I was still bored with these activities. As I finally came to accept the reality that I was going to have a lot of time on my hands, I realized that I needed to have something purposeful to do. I didn’t want to just putter along doing random busy work or go sit in meetings night after night. I wanted to harness the power of my sobriety and make my sobriety reward me. That is when I asked myself the question: “What do you want out of sobriety?” (You’ll be asked this question in Chapter #2.)
When I had answers to those questions, I was able to work on my plan. Having a plan gave me focus. This completely changed the reality of excess time on my hands. Yes, I still get bored and yes, I still have excess time on my hands, but when that occurs, I can always go back to my plan for, “What do you want out of sobriety?”
Boredom: This dovetails with excess time on your hands. No doubt about it, you will get bored. I’m sure that you felt bored at times when you drank, but when you’re drunk you don’t notice the feeling. Even if you experience less actual bored time than you did when you were drinking, sober boredom will feel more intense. The reality is that it is no one else’s responsibility to keep you entertained. It is no one else’s responsibility to find something for you to do. You have to do things on your own. You can just sit there and be bored if you want – but sitting there, wondering what you feel like doing can be dangerous for your continued sobriety. Self-pity and self-doubt shows up, and sadness follows. Then what looks tempting as an easy out from boredom would be to drink again.
During the inevitable periods of boredom that will strike is when you turn to your “What do you want out of sobriety list.” Checking your list will at least bring your focus back to thinking about why you want to live sober and it will remind you of things you can and should do (that’s if you made a list). You can be busy as hell and still feel bored (most of us call that “having a job”). Boredom is part of human life, whether you’re drunk or sober.
Unspent money in your pocket: This is a new dilemma for most drunks because you will have unspent money and you WILL have to do something with it. What are you going to do with the money you’re no longer spending? If you don’t have plans for it, it will migrate to an unknown invisible planet. If you never stash away what you would have spent on drinking, you’ll miss seeing the financial benefits and never enjoy your savings. You want to be able to have some fun with it, treat yourself or do something nice for the people you care about. This will be part of the reward system that you’ll develop for yourself explained in Chapter #3.
Feelings of superiority: This is a fine line that must be held. I am a firm believer in being proud of yourself, but when you cross over into a self-righteous preacher you are actually diminishing your own pride. You are just a normal person like everyone else; the only difference is that you are no longer a slave to alcohol.
Feelings of superiority can happen when a group of “recovered alcoholics” get together. They start talking about all the other weak and despicable drunks and begin to compliment one another on how wonderful, smart and enlightened each of them is. There’s nothing wrong with sober fellowship, joking and talking about your own past foibles and gossiping about other’s debacles. But a sense of humility and a gracious attitude will serve you best. This goes back to seeing old drinking friends. You may want to go “show off” your new sobriety skills. Don’t do it. Bragging about your sobriety and belittling others will make you look like an arrogant asshole. And if you hang out with them long enough, you may crack and relapse – then you’ll be an asshole.
Remember that you were just like all the drunks you see fault in, possibly even worse. Just because you saw “the light” doesn’t make you a better person than someone else. It only means that you took control of your own life. Be proud of yourself and your own accomplishments regarding your sobriety. The reality is that there’s always somebody who’s better at something than you are.
Lack of enthusiasm: Life might feel flat and dull after you begin sobriety. Being responsible, doing what needs to be done, taking care of obligations and spending time with certain people isn’t always as wildly exciting as getting drunk. But being responsible can bring you deeper, more rewarding experiences.
You can always force yourself to feign enthusiasm (women have been doing this with me for years). Seriously, forcing yourself to express interest in something or faking a bit of enthusiasm isn’t shallow advice. The reality is that you HAVE to do whatever it is that you are doing, so why not rally up some enthusiasm. There is evidence to support that when you “act” excited, your body chemistry will respond in kind and you will feel better. (I have no idea where this evidence came from. Look it up yourself when you get bored.).
Don’t expect everything to be a riveting experience just because you’re sober. If that’s what you’ve been told or that’s what you’re expecting, you’ll rapidly be disappointed and become disenchanted with sobriety. Life is not a carnival, unless of course you work at a carnival – and then I’m sure you have bigger life issues than just alcoholism.
Summary: Ultimately, the theme of this chapter is for you to accept the reality that you no longer drink. You don’t have to accept (or constantly remind yourself) that you are a weak, powerless or hopeless eternal alcoholic, riddled with flaws and defects. You can if you want to – but why would anyone want to speak about themselves in those terms, especially if you’ve already turned your life around or are working on it? I’m not going to live in the land of make-believe, but I’m certainly not going to belittle and berate myself. I must simply accept the reality that I no longer drink and I must accept many of the realities that come with being a Re-Invented Alcoholic. I have to approach, appreciate and control my life without the crutch of alcohol.
Reality Worksheet:
What realities listed here must I personally face?:
What other realities do I have that weren’t listed here?:
How can I make the best of these realities?:
What realities am I avoiding?:
What can I do to better understand my realities?:
What actions will I take to deal with my realities?:
What behaviors can I get better at so I can accept and control my realities?:
Chapter #2) What do YOU want out of sobriety?
“When you don’t know what you want you are susceptible to accept anything that comes your way.” – Mark A. Tuschel
So I want to ask you, “What do YOU want out of sobriety?” I had never been asked this question at a meeting. It was never discussed. It doesn’t seem to fall in with any of the traditional 12-steps. Sure, your sponsor may tell you, “If you work the steps the steps will work and you’ll regain things that you have lost.” But to me that’s giving someone false hope and it’s far too vague. You need to know and see – in concrete terminology and form – exactly what you want to gain, regain, have or do. None of the steps ask you to do this. So I would like you to humor me. I would like you to write out exactly what you want and don’t want out of sobriety. Knowing what you don’t want is equally as important as knowing what you do want. In fact, knowing what you don’t want may actually be more important to some of you. It’s worth the effort to make both lists. I’ll be giving you examples of actual lists shortly.
“What you want out of sobriety” and “What you don’t want out of sobriety” are completely selfish questions and they will be the most important questions you will ask yourself in your Re-Invention. Once you have answered these questions in detail, you then have the core of what you will do after sobering up. It will also make staying sober a bit easier; in fact, it may make it fun.
The previous sentence might come as a surprise to you, because as you may have already guessed, I am a hardened realist. I offer no false hopes that this is going to be either easy or fun. But when you know what you want, you have direction. You will establish values, desires and principles to fall back on when you are tempted to drink. When you don’t know what you want you are susceptible to accept anything that comes your way.
Doing this written exercise is a great way to eat up sober time. It’s also a great way to discover what things are important to you in life. While going through this writing process, you might put down some things you think you always wanted in life. As you analyze this particular want and consider what needs to be done to accomplish it, you might discover that it’s a want you truly don’t care about or that it was just a fanciful, drunken wish.
Is this tedious, time consuming and mentally taxing? Yes. You’re going to have to really think and be introspective. You’ll have to think about yourself and about the other people in your life. If you have a spouse or children, you will have to take them into consideration. If you have debts, responsibilities or any other obligations that you’re accountable for, you’ll have to take them into consideration as well. Is this something that you’ll have to do only once? No. Your lists and goals will always be evolving. As you accomplish things on your list, you’ll want to continuously update your list because your desires and needs will change as you make progress with your sobriety.
Don’t worry whether somebody else sees these titles and lists. “Oh, I don’t want anybody to know I’m a drunk.” Believe me; I’m sure they already know. And besides, you should be proud to let other people see your lists and for them to see that you want to better your life and that you take this seriously enough to construct a plan. Who knows, when somebody sees your list they may want to help you accomplish your plan, and they’ll also probably be a little bit jealous because you’ve got your shit together enough to know what you want out of life.
As you undertake this exercise, your enthusiasm will increase because you’re thinking that everything will now finally start taking shape and things will work out in your life. Here’s where I need to remind you that you might not get everything you want out of sobriety. I’m not trying to be a downer or sound depressing. The reality is that some things that you want out of sobriety won’t happen. You will get a lot of things out of sobriety and learn a lot about yourself and other people, but just because you want something, make an intelligent plan to accomplish it and do all the right activities to make it happen, doesn’t mean it will. The best laid plans don’t always work out. And if your expectations are too high or unrealistic, you’ll be setting yourself up for failure and that can lead to relapse. I want you to make the lists of what you want and don’t want out of living sober and I hope you get all that you desire, but you have to accept that everything you desire won’t come to fruition.
Your wants need to be realistic. That doesn’t mean you don’t dream big, but you have to consider whether your wants are feasible and probable. Let me explain feasible and probable in an analogy. Say for example that one of my wants would be to marry a super-model. It’s only slightly feasible (and slightly is being gracious, it’s more a remotely slim chance) but it’s not very probable. So my realistic want should be: I want to marry a stable, thoughtful and attractive woman. Now that’s feasible and probable, but only if I am stable, thoughtful and keep myself in good shape and maintain a clean appearance. Did my explanation make sense? I hope so.
If you’re early into your sobriety, then most likely all you want is to just stay sober, and that’s great. But eventually you should want more out of this; you should want to reward yourself for all of your self-control. To me, being a Re-Invented alcoholic isn’t just “NOT DRINKING”, it’s a way of living. It’s a way of making the best out of your life and rewarding yourself for your self-control and transferring that self-control into all areas of your life. Look, if you wanna be sober and miserable, I don’t care. And guess what? Neither does anybody else. You’re only robbing yourself if you don’t make the best out of this.
On the next few pages you’ll see some actual examples of these lists. One set is for a married man and the other is for a single woman. For now, I want to explain how to make a list and how to lay out the list of what you want and don’t want and give you some samples of goals to get you thinking.
You will construct two separate lists. One will be titled “What I want out of sobriety” and the other will be titled “What I don’t want out of sobriety.” On each of your lists you’ll make two columns. On the left will be the goal or desire and on the right will be a brief description of what you need to do to make it happen.
You want concrete statements or goals, followed by a brief description of the activities that you will have to perform to achieve those goals. You’ll also want to periodically review your list, track your progress, accomplishments and your success rate. Is this a lot of tedious work? Yes. But great things in life don’t happen by ambiguous efforts and random activities. They happen due to focused thought, focused effort and concrete plans.
On top of my lists I like to put the date that I created it. Time passes faster than you realize. Suddenly it’s been days, weeks and months since you created your list. When you suddenly look back at it you’ll be surprised at how much you’ve accomplished. It can also be a reminder of what you want or need to do more of. Some things you’ll cross off as completed, some you will change to suit your current desires and needs.
You are the only person that knows what you want. Don’t be influenced by others telling you what you should want. Here are a few sample goals to get you thinking: I want to spend more quality time with my kids, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, relatives, family, friends, whoever is important to you in your life. I want to read 20 books this year. I want to save up money for a new car. I want to further my education and get a new job. I want to get a second job. I want to go on a vacation to Florida or wherever. I want to move into a larger or smaller apartment. I want to pay off my mortgage or save enough for a down payment on a house. I want to start an IRA. I want to save a certain amount of money every month towards my retirement. I want to be involved in a certain hobby or a group sport. I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to reach a certain weight – whatever.