The NARCISSIST Chronicles
By
Lisa Maliga
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012
Hit the Wall Press
December 2011
This is the combination of two novels originally published in late 2010: LOVE ME, NEED ME: A NARCISSIST'S TALE and I WANT YOU: SEDUCTION EMAILS FROM A NARCISSIST. Due to the length of the original manuscript, I whittled it down into the 110,000-word so it was the general length of a novel. But even that was too long. Since going the e-book route I have discovered that size doesn't really matter and that many readers want the whole story. Now they will get it. It's also presented in the logical order and we learn even more about the characters through their emails as seen in the second part of THE NARCISSIST CHRONICLES.
This book is based on some true events, however, has been fictionalized and all persons appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Foreword
Though the objects of desire bring great joy
They are the cause of folly;
Though the concrete seems permanent it swiftly is dissolved.
That which yesterday existed does not exist today;
The man who lived last year, this year is dead.
He who was a staunch friend becomes an enemy;
The food that was good to eat turns poisonous;
He who was grateful for kindness becomes insolent;
He who did evil to others harms himself.
Milarepa, Tibetan yogi, from the book Songs of Milarepa, song 23.
LOVE ME, NEED ME: A NARCISSIST'S TALE
Chapter 1
Arlen J. Stevenson
October 2004
I pulled the Truckin’ Temple of Love, my just-washed pickup, into the parking lot outside of the Kings Country Buffet. Since I was a horror novelist extraordinaire, number one ladies man, possess one of the highest IQ’s in the state, was eligible for MENSA but they charged money for their dadblasted membership, I’m considered one of the most respected and celebrated citizens of Jefferson City, Alabama. It was almost humbling how people treated me whenever I showed up for my weekly dinner at the best buffet in the entire county. And it made me glad as hell that I was just a simple ol’ country boy from nearby Lapville, population 712. I sure had come up in the world, and then some.
My clean white imitation Nikes hit the pavement and I hurried inside the familiar restaurant. I glanced down, making certain that the insignia I’d spent thirty minutes gluing on was firmly in place. I was smart; they only cost me twelve bucks, so it was worth it. Shit, not like those $130 things I’d seen online. If my feet looked good, I looked good. And that I did, being a hair under six feet, I sported a wavy brown mullet and wore my best chino britches I found down at Slim’s Department Store, a place that hadn’t changed much since it was opened back in the same year I graduated from high school – 1976. Style never went out of fashion, and I was damn proud to wear clothing that was made in the United States of America.
I loved the atmosphere of the Kings Country Buffet with the richly paneled plywood walls and the burgundy squares of indoor/outdoor carpeting cushioning the floor. Due to my high-ranking status within the publishing world, I naturally demanded and received preferential treatment. Milton, the manager, always gave me the best seat in the house—twenty feet from the buffet table.
I deserve this; I thought, as I strode past two hunched over old folks clutching their senior citizen coupons since it was Monday night. I’m Arlen J. Stevenson, and I love to be treated like a star! I love being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. And tonight I’m gonna meet Miss Tanya, my internet correspondent of three days.
Over in the corner a trio of young waitresses wearing red and black uniforms, were giggling at my arrival. The tallest of them, a buxom red haired woman named Big Red, wanted me, but since she worked three jobs and had four rugrats, she never could find the time. She was whispering to her coworkers about how handsome I was and how she just couldn’t wait to have me when she got some free time.
There was laughter and smiles as I comfortably settled into the crimson plastic booth that enabled me to survey all that went on. My timing was truly impeccable, as just then Miss Tanya, a well-preserved divorcee in her blooming middle years, nervously approached the table, leaning forward in anticipation. Since I’m the personification of the courtly Southern Gentleman, I stood up, warmly shook her hand, pumping it a few times, thinking that soon I’d be pumping her a lot harder where it mattered, and relaxed my grip. I then went for the killer move – a chivalrous kiss on the back of her veiny hand.
“Darlin’, Miss Tanya! You’re even more beautiful than your pictures!” I exclaimed. I leered at her, seeing her bright pink britches were so tight that she had camel toe, and I knew with great certainty that those pussy pink britches would be lying on the floor next to her bed along with the rest of our clothes.
She was so nervous that she kept licking her thin little lips clean of her lipstick, and it brought home the fact that I was truly famous! I loved it when fans were in awe of me!
Big Red came over and took our drink orders, “Darlin, I’ll have the Australian chardonnay, and my lady here would like…” I nodded at Miss Tanya who was staring at me open mouthed.
“Why Arlen, I’m not sure…I’ll have what you’re having!”
“Arlen, you know good and well that we don’t serve wine, beer or spirits here. This is a family buffet!” said the red haired waitress.
I smiled. “Hmmm, I guess that means that the Pinot Noir is out of the question then? Along with the Black Raspberry Merlot?”
Big Red’s curls shook as she firmly replied: “Yes, Arlen, Coke, Sprite, Diet Coke, Diet Sprite, lemonade, orangeade, strawberry soda, coffee, tea, and water.”
“No Black Raspberry Merlot---I guess I’ll have your delicious strawberry soda?” I winked at my dinner partner. “Miss Tanya, how does that sound to you?"
She giggled. “Why, Arlen, it don’t make no difference. I’m jes’ a country gal and I’ll have whatever you’re having!”
I had to stop myself from looking at my mock Rolex watch; but the signs were mounting—soon I’d be like a wild stallion mounting his mare…
After the soft drinks arrived, elegantly poured into tall crimson pebbled plastic cups, I stood, following my date as we moseyed towards the well lit buffet table. I was showing off my latest conquest, er, lady friend, and saw that people were noticing me, and then turning to whisper to their tablemates about how great it was to be able to share the same restaurant with a notorious author. I waved at ol’ Burt who always was there just as Kings Country Buffet opened at five o’clock and managed to stay there until closing six hours later. Not that I’d ever done the exact same thing…
An old couple smiled fondly and me, and I see a huge helping of molasses baked beans on their plates and I knew they’d be entertaining themselves and expanding the universe.
The lovely Miss Tanya and I were sharing some pretty tight spatial relations as we crowded next to the eager old folks hankering for another slice of the meat loaf, which seemed a tad heavy on oatmeal filler. I gallantly added a large hunk on my own plate first, before remembering that I had to impress Miss Tanya enough to share some sack time. She wasn’t much of an eater, I thought, going by the fact that she had only one chin and no rolls of stomach fat; a pleasant change from last week’s dining companion. Soon, our plates were full of the eatery’s specialties like Vienna sausage and beans, grits, beets, sauerkraut, fried chicken, ham and gravy and, for any native southerner, spoon bread, corn bread, and flaky biscuits. I needed both hands to carry my plate back.
When we returned to the table, I set my plate down and helped her into the booth and took a paper napkin, unfurling it and placing it on her lap. We sat down and began our dinner, and I noticed she took dainty bites of her food. Miss Tanya also displayed intense interest in what I had to say as I ate heartily.
“I was the biggest baby in Jefferson County!” I stated, reaching down into my britches pocket, I pulled out my new Crimson Tide wallet. I removed a yellow slip of laminated newsprint and pretended to read from it, but honestly, I memorized the contents long ago. “Arlen Jacob Stevenson came into this world on May 28th weighing a hefty 14 pounds 8 ounces…”
Miss Tanya had stopped picking at her spoon bread and stared at me.
“…and this is the couple’s first baby,” I showed her the grainy photograph of my family, and even in that black and white picture I was just cute as hell.
She nodded, “When my first son was born he weighed eight pounds nine ounces and I thought that was big.”
I returned the newspaper clipping to my wallet and grinned. “Miss Tanya, I’ve always been a big boy.”
A glance at my watch set my mind to contemplating the night’s events. The trash talking had to improve quickly. I was out of condoms and Fred’s Discount Drugs closed at nine o’clock. The woman had barely managed to finish half the contents on her plate. She applied her lipstick and it was a hot pink shimmery color kinda like a baboon’s ass. Miss Tanya was droning on about her life in town, her job, and I heard:
“receptionist…alimony…car…ex-husband…cheater…daughter-in-law…school…” but they were all words, subjects, I’d heard before. Hell, I knew her story; every woman I’d met online or offline had told it to me. They were all middle aged, divorced, single, separated, unhappily married, hell, even a few widows. Some watched more TV than others. Some read magazines and even books. Some had hobbies. Some of ‘em were religious. But it didn’t matter; they all had one thing in common – an intense desire for me.
God, I’d driven around the southeast a lot lately. Not just my home state of the beloved Crimson Tide foot ball team, but on pussy patrol, I made forays into Georgia, Florida, the Carolinas, Tennessee, Virginia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, hell, even as far north as Kentucky. I was always in search of that prized pussy. Now I had a piece of local meat sitting across from me, and all I could do was think of how to get the hell over to the drug store so she could pick up my preferred condoms. I tuned in to her soliloquy, found the opening, and let loose…
“Darlin’, I think we need to continue this conversation somewhere more private…”
Miss Tanya beamed, “Why, yes, Arlen I was just about to suggest that myself. Why don’t you follow me back to my house, and…”
House? Hell, it was turning out to be a helluva a night after all. No skanky trailers or lil’ one roomers. Didn’t have to spend $29.95 for that motel room over at the Wink Wink Nudge Nudge Inn! Hot damn, Miss Tanya had a house!
I stood just as Big Red made her last sweep over to retrieve our plates, and I reached into my wallet and removed a crisp new one-dollar bill. I left it on the table beneath the receipt and went over to Miss Tanya, allowing her to take my hand as I had to restrain myself from half lifting her up and over to me. Hell, I was getting’ hotter by the minute, what with the big meal filling my belly and my woman-dessert staring adoringly up at me. I was gonna be slicing off a big ol’ piece of sweet southern peach pie within the hour if we could just get our heinies marching a little faster over to the store and then back to her house…
At 8:56, our vehicles drove into the parking lot of the drug store. Her Ford Taurus was parked next to the handicapped slot, and she strode into the store. I sat in my pickup and made certain The Gift Bag was there on the passenger’s side floor, and watched her disappear inside. There had been a frown or two from her when I‘d sweetly suggested that she go inside and buy the lubricated Trojan Magnums, and yes, I’d reimburse her in the morning but I was a bit short on cash at that very second. No honey, I didn’t want to stop at the bank machine, I wanted to make sure I safely followed her home ‘cause you never knew what was out there at that time of night…
Miss Tanya returned, fastening her purse, obviously having put the purchase inside it, and tightly smiling at me. I turned on the ignition, and soon I was following her closely behind, the sensation of the cool autumn night brewing all around me as I’d opened the windows. I was feeling so good, and soon I’d be feeling the best a man could possibly feel…
Driving up to her little ranch house in a respectable part of town, I saw it wasn’t as good as mine, but it was sufficient. I parked my truck off to the side of the driveway beneath the basketball goal. Inside, I had to deal with her making coffee, but I was in no need of caffeine; I was in need of some shaky pudding. Pink pudding. Miss Tanya’s sweet, skank-free pudding that hadn’t been shaken in a few months, or better, a few years. I always preferred a lady who’d give it up for me after she’d been living a celibate lifestyle; she was more desperate, uh, more willing to do whatever I wanted.
And when the charade finally came to a stop and she put her coffee mug in the sink, and when I followed her into the bedroom, the pretensions disappeared. The box was handed to me and I was free to remove one and get to work making my evening come to the best kind of conclusion it could.
“Miss Tanya, y’know that you’re so special, and I just knew that you’d….” I did my sensitive hemming/hawing bit.
“Why Arlen, I know you respect me as a lady. I knew that from the very first email.” She moved a little closer.
“Miss Tanya, can you hold on for one minute, please?” I was feeling so horny I didn’t think I’d be able to wait that long. “I have a present for you…” I turned and left and almost ran out of the kitchen and down the short hallway and outside to my truck.
The Gift Bag. It was appropriately pussy pink. Had some fancy dancy matching tissue paper sticking out of it. I’d originated the idea last year, and it had been a whopping success whenever I met one of my gal pals. I’d invested a few hundred dollars at a lingerie shop and had bought the most erotic items that tented up my britches. Anything black, and anything black and sheer was even better. Bras, panties, corsets, and skimpy nighties, lace slip with garters, lace thongs, teddies, and babydolls. It was a nice investment. The lucky lady was gallantly presented with The Gift Bag, and she eagerly tried things on, as I had made sure that the sizes were as appropriate as possible. She was always delighted to oblige my fantasy, and hers, by trying on just about every piece of sexy lingerie I’d “given” her. It helped put me in that state of ecstasy with the chosen lady, whenever she slipped on a nightie or pulled on a pair of lacy black thong panties.
After the fun time had ended and I was gearing up to go, I always made certain that plenty of smooching and hugging took place so that I could retrieve The Gift Bag and spirit it away so she never noticed at the time. I managed to get it back in my possession. And when I got back home, I washed everything that had been worn. Like I said, it was quite a deal.
When I returned bearing The Gift Bag, Miss Tanya’s face lit up just like that proverbial Christmas tree. My word, she was honing in on that bag like it was filled with diamonds and pearls. And hell, in a way it was. My family jewels sure enjoyed the sight of a happy woman, who was gonna be even happier as soon as we were in her bedroom.
Miss Tanya had taken hold of The Gift Bag and was already in her bedroom, which I paid no attention to other than the one piece of furniture I cared about – the bed. She was sorting through the bag; the woman was really looking through everything.
“Arlen, you want me to change right here in front of you?”
“Miss Tanya, I want you to change wherever you want. You’re the star here and I can only be your spotlight.”
“You have such a way with words, Mr. Author Man!” she chuckled.
I wondered if she’d ask me for an autographed copy of one of my books? That was usually what happened in such intimate surroundings. The exchange rate translated as: I parked my titanium rod in her garage; she wanted at least one book. If she treated my package like it was butter pecan ice cream, that was good for two books. If there was an all out exchange of bodily fluids and acrobatic poses, hell, she inevitably felt that qualified her to receive an autographed set of 'em.
She began pulling off her clothing so that not a minute later she was standing there in her birthday suit looking – flabby and wrinkled. When she pulled on the thigh high stockings, I held my breath, hoping she didn’t poke any holes in the delicate fabric; I didn’t want to have to replace them. That woman must have been comprised solely of cellulite beneath her street clothes. In Miss Tanya’s boudoir, the harsh overhead light accentuated her cottage cheesy thighs, which were made even more unattractive with the network of purplish blue veins that crisscrossed her upper legs like one of those old Rand McNally highway maps.
“Would you like me to dance for you, Arlen?”
“Why, of course I would, Miss Tanya.” I sat myself down on the bed and waited for the performance.
Suddenly she figured out that the bedside table lamp was more appropriate than the fluorescent light overhead and she fixed the lighting so that her curves were dimmed and a portable CD player by her bed blasted an old Rod Stewart song: Do You Think I’m Sexy? Jiggly ol’ Miss Tanya was a-bumpin’ and a-grindin’ those purplish veined thighs and even grabbing a bra from the bag and swinging it around her head like a lasso. The ol’ gal was getting down…and getting me hotter by the second.
She whipped the bra around her head one more time, and I made a note that a feather boa might be a great addition to The Gift Bag, when that woman just reached over, and yanked down the zipper to my new khakis! Lord, she was worked up, and while I wasn’t a big fan of the pulsing disco music, I sure as hell didn’t mind it too much as ye ole python of love was lovingly caressed, and then sampled with her eager tongue. It was so gooood that I would willingly listen to every damn Rod Stewart song on the planet. And a few minutes later I’d tasted and slurped all I’d wanted and proceeded to pound her down into her too-soft mattress. I pounded her for hours, it seemed, and I thought we’d sink all the way down into the basement. I was the man, the stud, the zombie writer extraordinaire successfully screwing another fine Southern piece of ass that I’d encountered on the wonderful World Wide Web. I fell asleep, not dreaming, just feeling relaxed and ready for more come sunrise.
Chapter 2
Helena W. Hoffman
October 2004
I lived three blocks from my favorite diner, Astroburger. I splashed out once a week and always got the Greek salad, charbroiled cheeseburger, and slice of baklava. Tonight I was in a rush to get back and pick up the mail because I was expecting a very important package.
The corner house was built before I was born and was in the Hollywood/Hancock Park area of Los Angeles. It was a simple white frame dwelling south of the Hollywood sign, some Baby Boomer’s parent’s idea of a home, surrounded by a picket fence. Palm trees loomed above it. The evening chill was settling in, and I rushed up the concrete walkway and stepped onto the porch and over to the mailbox. Reaching inside, I hoped it was there, my fingers expectant. But there was nothing. I leaned over, peering in, still under the delusion that it would be there but it wasn’t.
I clutched the paper bag closer to me and went back down the walkway. The white house was only where I picked up the mail. I lived behind it in a small garden cottage. I made a left turn on the sidewalk, and another left led me into the tiny yard and past the lemon tree. I fumbled for my keys, avoiding the sight of the abandoned garage where I’d lived the year before. This current place was an improvement as the floors were carpeted and I had a kitchen. There was also room for my computer and printer.
Inside, I put the bag on the table and hurried over to the phone next to my corner bed, though a glance would have shown the solid red light of a message-less Monday. I turned; removing my sweater and hanging it up in the closet, and went into the bathroom to wash my hands of the mailbox dust. I fired up the computer, as it was difficult to stay away from it for more than a few hours. It was how I earned a living, writing articles and term papers. Having worked for other people in offices around the Los Angeles region, I was grateful that at least I didn’t have to put in those eight to five hours, nor did I have to commute, make coffee, deliver interoffice mail, or make endless rounds of copies that ended up in recycling bins.
The smell of the charbroiled burger was piquing my nose and my stomach rumbled its displeasure of being empty since noon. I went over to a cupboard and opened it, removing a fine china plate. It had been bought at a thrift store for only a buck and was actually worth a lot more. Somehow, eating from fine china made anything taste better as my mother always said. In the utensil drawer lay sterling silver flatware that was from Reed & Barton. I had really lucked out when I found that set, along with some mismatched pieces. They shone respectfully in the dimly lit kitchen/office. It was incongruous, the modern flat screen and laser printer next to a Wedgwood fine bone china plate.
Once my burger was cut into quarters, I picked up a piece and slowly ate it. Then I logged on and opened up my email, in search of…
One paying piece of work--an assignment for a freshman at USC on basic psychology. Wasn’t much but it was something.
The sudden knock at the door surprised me. But I knew that I had to answer it as my light was on, filtered through the edge of the mini blinds in the corner of the studio apartment. I figured the visitor was the man who lived in the big house; and when I got up and opened up my door, I saw the smiling landlord. He was a chubby man with a penchant for gaudy Hawaiian shirts, and he didn’t disappoint. Red was the background, and the parrot and palm tree festooned shirt almost made my eyes water. Jerry had paired his wacky shirt with the baggiest blue jeans that were sold in swap meets across the Los Angeles Basin.
Jerry was holding it! A padded envelope, the patriotic colors of the USPS Priority Mail sticker discernible, the package I had been waiting for that day. That week, that year—hell, my entire life. I knew what was in it. I was amazed to see it in the landlord’s beefy fingers that the grandfather-aged man wasn’t an annoyance, he was a welcome messenger, a harbinger of news, the kind of news that was shouted from rooftops, celebrated with champagne, life changing…
“Helena, this was accidentally delivered to me…I thought it might be important so…” he handed it to me.
“Thank you, Jerry.” I smiled at him, hoping he would leave, not wanting to tell him what it contained. I touched the parcel, not daring to look at it completely; afraid it might not be THE delivery I was expecting. I wanted to make 100% certain before I told anyone, even my family. Eager as I was to open it, my nose detected the smell of that mostly uneaten burger and I turned to look at it.
Jerry nodded and backed away a couple of steps, “I see you’re having dinner now, just wanted to be sure you got your mail,” and for a large person he moved quickly and left, closing the door behind him. I was alone and sighed happily. I glanced at the envelope and saw the return address sticker.
The glossy white background contrasted with the crimson carnation beneath the name: Promises Publishers, LLC. The scrolled font was made more elegant by the posh sounding address, 1564 Town House Boulevard, West Bend, Oregon. I gazed at the unopened envelope, heavy with my dreams inside of it. I took a bite of my burger, and then started to pry a staple out of the envelope. But I stopped. I needed to go for a walk. A victory walk. It was something I had to do; the energy that surged through me was too powerful.
I grabbed my keys and was out the door. I walked, heading due east, just like I’d promised myself I would do when “it” happened. Walking quickly on a sidewalk, past stately homes, which grew statelier the further east I strolled. The chill night air didn’t affect me as I walked faster and faster, towards my goal.
Several blocks later and a turn due north, I encountered it—those magical words in the most perfect cursive I would ever witness, the name redolent of success, wealth, dreams, heaven in Hollywood, the name symbolic of the movie industry: Paramount Pictures. Across the street on Melrose Avenue stood the last remaining studio in Hollywood. The double arches spotlighted under the lights. I had been around the sand colored stone walls countless times. It was gated and guarded -- a movie studio fortress hidden by the walls to conceal the magic from the public. Only certain people were allowed past the well-secured gates off Melrose or Gower. People with badges and photo ID’s. People who worked there, or knew of someone who did. I wasn’t one of those people – yet. But after tomorrow, maybe I would be.
I turned and hurried back home so I could open up the package and gloat.
Beneath my shaking fingers the last staple fell to the tabletop and the envelope was open. A brief pause, a sharper intake of breath, and a sudden yank as I pulled it out.
As the padded mailing envelope fell to the floor, I clutched the trade sized paperback book. There was the painting of a covered wagon traveling across the desert. Into Paradise written by Helena W. Hoffman. I opened the massive 362-page volume I had written over the span of five years. Time spent writing and researching instead of dating and partying. Separating art from my paid writing. Burying my nose in the brand new book, I smelled the heady aroma of new pages. On the back of my book were the words describing the challenging journey my characters had trekked in their covered wagon from Minnesota to California. I smiled as I caressed the only copy in the world, so far, of my book. A real book! I was an author! A published author!
I turned to the computer, the place where all good things originated, especially this, my key to Hollywood. My status from lowly Internet writer and research paper whore would change. A published author of a novel I had written, a Promises Publishers author, I would be their first writer to snag a big deal. And, according to the message boards, I was the only writer there who was able to walk to Paramount Pictures. I logged on. In the NEW BOOKS section, I added my first message of the evening: “My book arrived!!!!!” Helena in Hollywood.
I went back to my Yahoo! account and read an email from a new friend JohnnyBoy, in Boston. He was thinking of sending his manuscript off to Promises and I wrote him back, encouraging him to do so.
Back at the boards and there was a comment. Not to my surprise, it was from the board monitor, a man who seemingly lived there 24/7, Kurt Newman. The proud author of two Promises books, he resided in Gas City, Indiana and was working on another in his hardboiled detective series which he referred to as “the meanest streets in the Midwest.”
An hour later and I was watching the comments beneath my original posting multiply in the form of smiley faces and hand clapping emoticons that replaced actual words. It was better than words, I thought. Each comment filled me with more happiness. It was nearing nine-thirty and I still hadn’t called my family. It was too late; my parents went to bed early. The happy news could wait until tomorrow, because maybe then there would be even more of it!
I placed my paperback novel next to me on the pillow and slept, dreaming of how my life was about to change for the better.
Chapter 3
November 2004
Arlen J. Stevenson
Well poontang and pussy sweet I was gettin’ all kinds of attention on and offscreen just like the celebrity I was! My latest lady friend and I were listening to her favorite group’s song, something entitled Rock and Roll All Night. But I let her play it, as I knew my chances at scoring some well-used pussy were in the region of the upper ninetieth percentile.
The dim light in her trailer helped the situation so that I wasn’t able to see how washed out her KISS bedspread was. At least it was a full sized bed and my charitable work had led me to help a lost soul who had just ended her third marriage, and, judging by the plastic framed picture on the nightstand, the divorcee had spawned four children. Gloria’s gap-toothed smile loomed near my face and there was a soft mood light of a lamp with a red scarf thrown over the shade.
“Hey, Arlen!”
“Hey Glorious Gloria!” I exclaimed right back at her. Adding an adjective in front of prospective poontang’s name was another guarantee of scoring.
As I lay back on her bed, I let her unzip and remove my britches. We were two horny adults who needed to get laid. I knew I wouldn’t journey up to her trailer park again, nor would she drive down to Jefferson City and stay with me. As she took off my drawers, she expertly grasped my crusader of love and it saluted her stubby fingers and I let her ready it for whatever ride she was gonna share with me.
Damn, it was good being me…
Chapter 4
November 2004
Helena W. Hoffman
If I was a published author, nothing had changed for me from the number of hits my web site received to the number of doors that didn’t budge. There was no meeting at Paramount, no placement in local or national bookstores, no book reviews, no book signings or screenplay deals. I’d been victimized in the past by a credit card scam, and now I was a victim of the publishing world. The false one of Promises Publishers. I discovered an article entitled False Promises, and when I skimmed it, a sick feeling began spreading throughout my stomach. Ursula LeBlanc told of having both her books stolen. I read the story on a writer’s forum and the terms stuck with me: “writer pays for copyright,” “all PP titles available at our well stocked online book shop,” “PP will accept virtually any manuscript of any length.” But the real way one knew it was a vanity press was how PP was always encouraging their authors to buy numerous copies of their own books, and they offered discounts of up to 40% for those who bought large quantities. On the PP web site was the following tip:
“Always have a copy of your book on hand. Keep a box of them in the trunk of your car, and mention it to anyone that you meet. Everyone is a potential reader, and if they don’t know about your book, then you are only hurting yourself. Make sure people know about your Promises Publishers book and always be prepared to push your book off to anyone you meet.”
Ursula encouraged people to check out the Promises Publishers message boards. I didn't have to, I used to spend lots of time there. They were fraught with not only typos, but the sheer number of spelling/grammatical errors that was evident on the PP Boards was embarrassing. It wasn’t a general interest message board; it represented a publishing company that claimed to accept only seven percent of its submissions. Ursula also brought up the 100 Friends Deal. Before I signed the contract, PP wanted a list of 100 of my closest friends, relatives, and business associates. Real publishers didn’t ask you for such a list.
Ursula quoted a disgruntled PP writer who, after posting a lengthy tirade against his unfair publisher, was banned from ever posting there again. He wrote: “Some of you have 100 friends and relatives to dupe into buying your silly labors of love. And some of you might even be good at getting a bunch of strangers down at the local library or corner bar to delve out some cash to read your book. But the 92% profit from each title our dearly-beloved published earns affords them the cost of sending us regular emails to persuade us to purchase another 40 copies of our books ourselves in order to ridiculously sell and market ourselves! PP didn’t attempt to edit your book for you. Did you think they were going to sell and market it for you?”
That night, before the board monitors deleted the post, I found a link to a real writer's message board called Reality Writes. And there I sat for two hours, at one point stopping to get a bag of pretzels and a bottle of Coke, reading 76 pages of comments about Promises Publishers from author’s advocates, disgruntled PP authors, and former PP authors. It was all about Promises Publishers, LLC. It began with a discussion about how a book signing by the #1 cheerleader, Kurt Newman, turned into a fiasco. It was held at a bowling alley! I read a copy of the report:
“'Dispute at bowling alley booksigNing ends in altercation’
Local author Kurt Tyson Newman was arrested Saturday and accused of assaulting a customer, Rufus E. Jones, at the Full Tank Lanes Bowling Alley, south of Gas City.
Witnesses report that Mr. Jones approached Mr. Newman at the corner of the bowling alley where a table was set up bearing “some copies of Mr. Newman’s books” and proceeded to call Mr. Newman “a ****ing pussy and ****ing liar!” Mr. Newman then slapped him.
The entire Newman family, including his grandmother, Bessie Brown Newman, 87, longtime Gas City resident, witnessed the altercation and defended Mr. Newman, who had met Mr. Jones at the IHOP, located at the 200 block of Milledgeville Road, that morning. Mr. Jones was seated at a neighboring booth, and there was a verbal altercation, according to Mr. Newman: “concerning the excessive use of the boysenberry syrup.”
Mr. Jones stated: “That mofo came over and borrowed mine and don’t return it and I love me my boysenberry syrup.”
Mr. Newman claimed the syrup was returned and then Mr. Jones, picking up one of the trade sized paperback books authored by Mr. Newman, proceeded to hit Mr. Newman over the head with it.
“He hit my grandson on his head several times!” said his grandmother. She held up a copy of the damaged book, Book #1 of the Hells Bells Streets, and the cover and an entire section had been torn away in the scuffle.
Mr. Newman was upset by the destroyed book, and was overhead muttering: “it’s gonna cost me.” That was just before he got up and began “pummeling poor Mr. Jones in the stomach,” according to witnesses Mrs. Bessie Brown Newman and her daughter-in-law, Tina Newman, 43, of Gas City.
It was at this point that the police were called as the two men were tussling all over the bowling alley and interrupted one of the games being played by a youth group. “Looked like the WWE” stated one of the minors.
The fighting caused little harm other than an overturned table and some damaged books. Charges have not been filed.”
Authors: real, and upcoming, posted their take on the tale and their stories of PP. A horror writer/author’s advocate named Arlen J. Stevenson made several wisecracks about what he thought of the vanity press ranging from how PP’s initials stood for “Publish Pap” to the desperation of the authors. In one of the most recent posts, the concerned Arlen mentioned that he had a copy of an article that had just appeared in the trade journal Publisher’s Review and if anyone wanted to see a copy of it to send him an email.
I decided to send Arlen J. Stevenson a polite email, hoping to get an opinion from a trade source about my publishing company. I did so, noting in his signature line at the bottom of his posting that he had a web site. Having spent months learning how to design my own web site, I had done lots of research and spent countless hours looking at other sites for design and content. Unlike many that boasted mismatched color combinations, bouncing GIF’s, huge pictures of book covers that took twenty minutes to unload into a red X, and a barrage of typos and misspellings, no warning signs erupted when I saw Arlen’s site. He had his own domain name. There was a black background and white and red fonts, a combination that worked for the subject. It was simple and clean, not a lot of scrolling, not a lot of graphics, and none of those animated freebies that fought for attention on Kurt Newman’s no cost Angelfire site.
Adding even more online legitimacy were the photos. On his main page was a shot of him in a bookstore holding a copy of his book and beaming with pride. No bowling alley back there, I thought. His faded denim shirt was the height of casualness and his dark brown hair was neatly combed and worn in a wavy mullet. Southern hick, I thought. Not surprisingly, the man wore glasses, making him look even more authoresque. It was a legitimate looking site, reflecting his love of horror, indicating the books he had written: Zombies on the Farm, The Zombie General Store, and Zombies on the I-285. The Arlen’s Adventures area had several paragraphs about his recent book signings and speaking gigs, but I didn’t read it all, as I was perusing. He populated his Literary Links page with just what the title predicted -- other author’s sites and his publisher. On his Photos page I saw more of Arlen, including some pictures of him in his hometown. There was even an example of his work; a short story entitled Zombies At The Kings Country Buffet.
His awards had a banner reading: Best Horror Fiction Award from the Horror Writers Community 2002. One thing was for sure; Arlen J. Stevenson was not a Promises Publishers author.
But it wouldn’t hurt to be linked up with the man, after all he was a published author, even if the company was located in Mississippi, they were listed in the current Writer’s Market and published a variety of Southern fiction. If he wrote back, I’d offer to exchange links as I was my own web master and could add his link right away. Obviously, he was important enough to have his own web master as evidenced by the address on the bottom of the site.
The next morning I logged on to find that Arlen J. Stevenson had responded. “Dear Helena, Per your request, here is the Publisher’s Review article about Promises Publishers. I’ve enclosed it in the body of this email so you don’t have to contend with an attachment. The best to you, and keep in touch, AJS”
The guy liked communicating, I thought. I knew that two things would happen. I’d write back to him, comment on the brief article, and ask to exchange links. Not that I’d pick up much work from a link exchange with a Southern horror writer, but it was a legit site.
That day I was working on a term paper about Psychology & Stereotyping and not paying attention to my email. It wasn’t until evening that I checked to see he’d written back. This time it was a longer reply. Seemed even friendlier, too.
November 17, 2004
Hey Helena, Glad you liked the first part of the article, this kind of publicity has to be hurting Promises Publishers. In the end, they will either have to change their business practices, or go under. Personally, I hope they go under, they are poor excuses for human beings.
Re my website addy, it’s listed just below my signature – I would be honored to be a part of your site, and I will ask my web guru to add yours.
The best to you, and keep in touch,
AJS
www.arlenjacobstevenson.com
For information about my latest book, Zombies on the I-285 please contact Anne Marie Stewart at Ole Mississippi Press, [email addy]
That night I added his link as promised. Yep, I had a new email pal. I quickly looked at his front-page picture, noting something inviting looking about his round face. Those twinkling dark blue eyes, the full lips, the natural teeth, not veneers. He exuded the impression of being accessible and friendly. Down to earth. Possessing a sense of humor. I’d write back, but send it out later that night, just before I went to bed. I never wanted to look too eager.
November 18, 2004
Hi Arlen,
I agree with you about the 2 things that will come of this – PP changes, PP goes bye-bye. Wonder which it’ll be? The people that “run” the joint are just a buncha sneaks.
I’m very impressed with your site and have added you to my links page. You have quite a web guru as my first reaction when I saw your site: this can’t be a PP author’s site! I’m happy to read that your books are doing well and that you can freely tout your publisher. How amazing that you don’t have to beg for a single review copy, like I attempted to do, and you don’t have to purchase your own books! A real publisher such as yours that is actually listed in the Writer’s Market.
Meanwhile, I look forward to seeing the second part of the article that's coming out tomorrow, I sure hope it's in their magazine as well as online, and will watch the reactions of those affiliated with the scam. Hope your writing's going well!
later,
Helena in chilly L.A
I sent my response after midnight and wondered if there would be a reply. But not too strenuously as I was tired and needed to go to sleep.
A reliable man, I thought when I logged on the next morning and saw his response. He didn’t change the subject heading, unlike me.
November 19, 2004
Hey Helena,
You are a real dear to put my link up, and I will talk to my web guru soon about reciprocating. It will be real interesting to see what happens re PP. My money says that some of the principles may do a little time as I think they are so deeply into their scam that they will not be able to walk away from the easy money. I think successful scam artists get addicted to the amount of money they bring in and can't let it go, it interferes with their lifestyles too much. Whatever the case, how the PP saga works itself out will be mighty interesting.
I am quite appreciative of my publisher, Ole Mississippi Press. Just a few weeks ago the Independent Booksellers confab was in Atlanta, and Ole Miss. had me do an in booth book signing. They brought along 50 hardback copies of my latest, Zombies on the I-285. It was so cool to sign all those books and meet all those bookstore owners; in fact, I have been offered several signings since then. Having a traditional publisher makes all the difference in the world, and Helena, you will have one. You're obviously very bright, and write well, and you have the desire. Mark my words, you will do well.
I'd better run, do some writing on my next book, and know it’s great hearing from you, please keep in touch!
AJS
He still wanted to hear from me. I wondered why? I was a nobody in the world of publishing -- a person who wrote term papers for lazy teens, and the occasional article here and there. Yet I had taken all my work and had thrown it away at the first publisher who had accepted it. Okay, so Promises wasn’t listed in the Writer’s Market, which was no guarantee of their authenticity as not all publishers chose to be there. Online there hadn’t been that much written about them as being a total scam. All I’d encountered had been some posts about lacking royalty checks, but that was always something writers griped about unless they were internationally known and had deals with major studios for movie rights. Increasingly, there was more diligence in going after scam publishers like PP, and the search engines were turning up the bad information about them.
November 20, 2004
Hey AJS,
Glad to link to sites that have worthy content!!
Not much new going on re PP. Altho' today I caught that mystery author’s posting over on the Reality Writes message board, of the inducements to buy books that PP has done this year. It was SO funny in its obviousness. They all start off patting everyone on the back, then launch into that all important sales pitch citing discounts and their non-toll-free number!
I looked at your publisher's site and was happy to see it promoted books, not lured authors into sending manuscripts. I bet you had a fine time at that confab and how fun it must've been for everyone. Did you see any vanity press authors there? If so, how were they promoting their books?
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. Sending out queries is my least favorite task. But, it's one that is necessary of course. I have a few more book ideas in the works. Glad to learn that you’re working on another book, too!
Well, back to writing!
later,
Helena in sunny CA
November 21, 2004
Hey Helena,
I envy you being out in sunny CA - I happen to be in cloudy, drizzly Alabama right now. It's a pleasure hearing from you.
My first book was a little tome called, Zombies on the Farm and it is so good to work with a professional editor, cover designer, etc. It has taught me tons about the publishing business.
Ole Miss Press has also been good about sending me to conferences, and they pick up the tab! In the past year I have gone to five of them including the Independent Booksellers confab.
They are great to go to, the contacts you make at them can serve you really, really well. Plus, at one of the conferences, I met Mary Higgins Clark!
Re vanity press authors, I did see iUniverse with booths at these festivals. The sad thing was, people really made fun of them - they charged their own authors $100 for the right to stand in their booth for an hour and hawk books. Between you and I, Helena, the publishing industry sees POD and vanity press stuff as the bottom feeders of the business, that's why it's so important to me that prospective authors find this out on the front end of the business, not the latter.
You take care, great to hear from you,
AJS
November 22, 2004
Hey AJS,
Thanks so much for adding my link. I'm right there next to a celebrity site -- way cool!
Well, looks like that Publisher’s Review thread on there is all wrapped up unless someone else discovers it. And your intelligent and witty comment is there near the top -- so it shows a voice of reason. Great thing is this Publisher’s Review article is already showing up in Google when someone types in those 2 magic keywords Promises Publishers. My article also shows up so I'm happy 'bout that.
PP's noose is tightening & will continue to do so the more people wake up & realize that complaining online & offline & especially IN WRITING is what'll get things resolved. What do I want from all this? My book's rights back.
Glad to read that you're writing another book. So it'll be out in stores by next Christmas? I'm rewriting one of mine right now [or should I say write now] but it's tough.
Well, got some more emails to answer then it's back to my book. I write much better at night.
later,
Helena in cold L.A.
November 23, 2004
Hey sweet lady,
Well, I just got through reading the PP boards, and there is one thread where someone starts by noting that there are some awful things out there about PP, and then a bunch of the PP authors, with Kurt Newman leading the charge, swear eternal devotion to PP. You know, Helena, it really does help one understand a cult like mentality. I can remember when I started out, I wondered if anyone would ever publish me. It took a long time, and a lot of work, but someone did. These PP people are just in denial, especially the ones who can't even write a sentence correctly. They know nothing about how publishing really works, but it is much easier to believe Kurt's lies than accept reality. I know that there are some really good PP authors, and I feel sorry for those people.
Well, I gotta get back in the bed and snooze a little more, you behave yourself, and if you choose not to, I want all the details! <g>
AJS
November 24, 2004
Hey dude!
Well, whoever named 'em Pretend Publishers is accurate! All they do is pretend they’re published and have those pretend booksignings. Kurt Newman and his bowling alley pretend booksigning.
It’d be nice if they come to the realization that PP does squat for 'em. Then again, a lot of people are in such a state of delusion over their own stories that even if the PP site disappeared overnight they’d remain clueless as to why such a thing occurred!
You are one lucky guy to have your books published so quickly. But obviously it's well deserved. And it's great that you're taking the time to help others. Lots of people want to be writers. They have a computer, they have a word processing program, and they think that hey, I can write a novel. Well, yee hah! Paul Theroux wrote in his short story collection, Sinning With Annie & Other Stories in the tale A Deed without a Name: "These aficionados of gore never actually write their stories, though they insist that with a typewriter and a bank holiday they would 'type it up' [writing, for them, being something like crocheting a doily] and it would be a best seller."
But real writers make it. The fakes eventually give up and go onto trying their hand at playing golf or hockey or ballroom dancing or whatever. Every occupation or hobby has its own system to weed out the flakes. So they quit. If someone writes a horrendous book that's filled with mistakes, who'll buy it? I read on the PP board about some 'author' who had a 180 page book with close to 1000 errors in it!!!! And what about that Lucille? 4th grade education & English as a 2nd language -- imagine what she's churned out sans a good proofreader & editor???
Well, now I have to return to my book. I'm having fun with it sorta. In a way it's like a first draft. I'll say no more. I am behaving -- and so are my characters -- for now!
later,
Helena in cold, dark L.A.
November 25, 2004
Sweet lady, I'll have you know that yours truly coined the term Pretend Publishers. Several months ago on Reality Writes someone talked about the sort of "self masturbatory" circle that exists at PP, ie, one author reviews another and tells them how great they are, then another, etc, and its like it insulates them from the harsh realities of the situation. It reminded me of how they all just pretend they’re really published because they have a book on an online bookstore or they can get on the messageboards and put up their pretend bookcovers.
Helena, don't get me wrong, I am far from a literary elitist. I am going to use that platform to help any up and coming writer that I can. I am sure Promises Publishers has some talented authors. The problem is, they also have many who should never be published. I've witnessed first hand the stigma PP slimes its authors with in the industry, and I figure I need to do whatever I can to help others see the problems before its too late.
Helena, you are going to do well, you care about your craft, and your personality shines through your emails. When you get to a point you're ready to submit something, let me know, I may be able to help. And, bottom line, don't behave yourself too much - when I get wild and have a good time I create plenty of potential new literary material for myself.
Wet kisses,
AJS
I raised my eyebrows with that closing line. That was kinda sexy of him. Heck, why not take a look at that short story I’d recently downloaded and see what that was all about.
November 26, 2004
Howdy!
Well, the originator of the term Pretend Publishers! Color me impressed.
I notice that writers hang w/ other writers & cliques develop. It's natural. But those PP boards are a minefield of bad grammar, typos, and misspellings. As are the unedited testimonials. Ever look at them? There sure as heck are some “GREATFUL” authors! I personally think gratitude is a wonderful thing. It shows class, politeness & manners. But PP doesn't deserve any gratitude!
Yeah, I agree that there are many PP "authors" who shouldn't be perceived as such. They're playacting. Some sort of "Author Re-enactment" like I'd read about on the Reality Writes boards many posts ago. Sit in a bookstore & have a book signing. I read about this 1 doofus who claimed to have sold 5 books in 10 hours at some big shindig author signing event. 1 wasted day if you ask me.
Oh yeah, latest news on PP biggie author Tommy Burton from that awful 1972 series One Hit Wonder ---he doesn't wanna comment on PP. Someone wrote to him and he declined to comment. When are they going to remove that pitiful One Hit Wonder thing from their site that's been up there for more than a year?
Thanks for the comment about my personality! You are kind. I just write what I feel & try not to forget to do a spellcheck! I'm still working on my book but things are going slower than I like.
Sounds like you need to be behaving yourself all the way over in Alabama. You're right, whatever happens, good, bad, wild, mild, is all worth writing about.
Back to writing!
later, gator,
Helena in L.A.
November 27, 2004
Hey sweet lady,
You know, the bad thing about Kurt is that he is totally ignorant of how real publishing works, yet he is too stupid to realize it.
Re PP authors, I know there are some damned good ones, but they are sort of buried like kernels of corn into this sea of awful writing. Helena, I agree with you - some of those people PP publishes cannot even compose a coherent sentence. In the end, no one likes to admit this, but writing is a gift and not everyone possesses it. I also think the mantra PP preaches about "everyone deserves to be published," sets up a lot of their authors for embarrassment or heartache. I have seen more than one email where some reviewer has told a PP author that their work, their publisher, or both, basically suck. I just hate to see writers get taken advantage of, but PP has got to be feeling the heat these days as more and more negatives about them come out.