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The Power Positivity
for Bipolar and Anyone Else
By Fred L. Von Gunten, O.D.
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Copyright 2011 Fred L. Von Gunten
Smashwords Edition
Cover Copyright 2011 Tony Johnson
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This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
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Acknowledgements
My profound thanks to my wife Linda, who without her love and true devotion and constant support, I could never have achieved control and my long stability with bipolar disorder.
In addition, sincere thanks to my dear friend and editor, Linda Lee Rathbun, (www.naturalwanders.com), who without her dedication and knowledge, this book could not of been completed. I would like to express my gratitude to Smashwords, the distributor of this e-book. Also, I want to thank Tony Johnson for his outstanding cover design; Tony's awesome artwork can be seen on Facebook, www.facebook.com/thatsjustthewayitis (log in, then navigate to Tony's Photos).
This e-book could not have been written without the generous assistance of countless individuals who struggle with bipolar disorder and who shared their experiences and knowledge. To all my friends and family who supported me, I extend my deep appreciation.
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Forward by Linda K. Von Gunten
At a certain stage in my marriage, I decided that I was not going to ride on the bipolar roller coaster the rest of my life. Around that time, my therapist asked if I was going to divorce Fred because of his bipolar moods. Ironically, bipolar disorder prompted positivity in our lives.
As Fred and I came to a crossroad with how to live with bipolar disorder, rather than separate our family, I thought about Fred's abundant qualities. These were the reasons I married him, and they were all positive reasons for staying in the marriage.
Because of a past genetic history of bipolar disorder in Fred's family, his mother found it impossible to accept the disorder and stayed in denial. It was then that our professional advisors suggested that we sever all ties with her and members of that side of the family. It took about ten years for us to become a healthy nuclear family unit. It was then that both Fred and I found better communication skills and could ease our way back into a caring, loving and accepting extended family.
Our professional support system guided us to an understanding of our individual qualities and helped us come together as a stronger, self-confident couple. I found that some changes needed to be made. I was a passive doormat; Fred was an aggressive control person as a result of his bipolar moods. I needed to become more assertive and Fred needed to be less controlling and to understand when episodes were imminent. With professional help, we accomplished this.
In order to go forward in my life, I had to challenge some difficult issues in my past to overcome the causes of my passive personality. I became more confident and these new feelings helped me cope with living with a bipolar person. This helped Fred to better understand my personal needs. As Fred learned more about himself, we could help each other to find new and positive goals.
As our children grew, they gained knowledge about bipolar disorder from Fred and I, and by researching information on the subject on their own. It was this awareness, and hard work that made us a positive family unit, and that made living with bipolar disorder easier.
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Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Forward by Linda Von Gunten
Chapter One - My Life with Bipolar Disorder
Chapter Two - Choices That had to be Made
Chapter Three - Marriage and Its Strengths
Chapter Four - Environment, Genetics, and Family Unity
Chapter Five - Changes That Had to be Made
Chapter Six - Knowing God’s Love
Chapter Seven - Influential People with Positive Thoughts
Chapter Eight - Using Positive Therapy
Chapter Nine - Will Stability Last?
Chapter Ten - Learning Awareness
Chapter Eleven - Positive Inspirations from Authors and Philosophers
Chapter Twelve - Learning the Art of Self-Help
Chapter Thirteen - Breaking Fears of Bipolar Disorder
Chapter Fourteen - Character Building Techniques
Chapter Fifteen - Famous Authors, Musicians, and Celebrities Who Influenced My Life
Chapter Sixteen - Physical Health Causing Change in Mental Health
Chapter Seventeen - Psychiatric, Psychological and. Psychotherapy Care
Chapter Eighteen - The Present Positive Management for Bipolar Disorder
Chapter Nineteen - The Positive Future for Bipolar Disorder
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“Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
I believe in the “power of positivity.” This book will work toward proving the benefits of positivity over negativity.
My name is Dr Fred and I have been retired for over 12 years. I was an Optometrist, specialising in developmental and behavioral vision for more than 33 years. I gave sight to others to learn from their insight. I am happily married to a lovely lady, 46 years and counting. She supported me during my episodes and I owe my life to her. At 69, I have knowledge and experience when it comes to dealing with bipolar disorder. Therefore, my mission is to help others in achieving emotional stability without episodes. I have lived 50 years with bipolar I. For the first 25 years, I dealt with over five episodes. Since then, I have transformed my life by changing my thoughts and committing to a consistent supply of Lithium. I have maintained years of “episode-free emotional stability.” Some would classify this as a "functional bipolar”. Perhaps I might classify it as “functionally cured." I was one of the first to receive Lithium when the FDA approved it in 1971. It has kept me stable for the last 27 years, along with knowing the “Power of Being Positive with Bipolar Disorder.”
Question...Have you considered the long-term effects of the Lithium on your thyroid and kidneys? Forty years of taking Lithium is a long time. When creatinine levels in your kidneys are beginning to rise and your therapeutic level with Lithium is no longer 0.7 but is creeping toward toxic levels of 1.4 to 1.9, will your success with stability come tumbling down as a result of possible kidney failure? How positive can you be with bipolar disorder knowing you might either have to give up Lithium or deal with organ failure?
Answer...These questions are valid and make a solid point. I would answer them by sharing my past life in depth with you and showing that learning positivity is one of the most powerful tools when dealing with the challenges of bipolar disorder.
Let me begin with an article written in the winter 2007 issue of Bipolar Magazine: Five Generations -- Understanding the Past -- Building the Future by Donna Jackel.
Bipolar Disorder cast a long shadow over Dr Fred's family. His grandmother, father, sister, two aunts, and several first cousins had the disorder. Fred, his identical twin Ted, and his only son Todd, were diagnosed as well. What made Dr. Fred's family story one of hope is that thanks to improvements in treatment and attitudes towards mental illness, each successive generation has found it easier to achieve emotional stability.
Fifty years ago, Fred's father, Howard, could not reveal his struggles to anyone outside the family. Even his wife did not acknowledge his illness. Today, his grandson Todd, a pastor, felt comfortable sharing his diagnosis with his entire congregation.
Howard, superintendent of parks for a large city in Indiana, was a respected figure. He was a frequent speaker at local gatherings, talking about care and importance of public parks. Also an expert on plants and the Bible, he spoke at local churches on the topic. He provided for his wife and four children and, like many others who struggled with Bipolar Disorder in the pre-Lithium era, he tried to cope with his extreme mood swings while keeping his illness a secret. When dark periods hit, Howard could not work for two or three weeks at a time.
"I remember a very conscientious, loving, giving person who always wanted to help his family," says Fred, a retired Optometrist living in Naples, Florida. "He was always there for us. Even if he was in a depressed state, he would go to our football game and hide the fact that he was in a depression."
During manic phases, Howard turned his unstoppable energy outside the home, working long hours. "As I was growing up, I could see he was having mood swings, but I didn't understand it. Neither did my brother," Fred recalled. "You expect a father to be consistent with love and affection, but with hypomania you are doing so many things."
Fred was 16 when he suffered his first major depression. He was having trouble with math and his grades were falling. "I didn't know it was depression," he says. "I just didn't feel like going to school -- I would vomit up my breakfast on the way..." To make matters worse, Ted did well in math without much effort. "I always felt very insecure about that." Fred says.
The twins were opposites in other ways. While Fred was shy, Ted was more aggressive and spoke loudly, even talking back to his father at times. Ted had a steady girlfriend throughout high school, while Fred barely dated. At the time, Ted did not yet suffer from depression. Yet they remained close.
The twins, who were also close to their father, suffered a great loss in 1962 when Howard died of a massive heart attack at 52. Fred and Ted were 20. Soon after, Ted fell and broke his back while working on a construction site. He severed some nerves, permanently losing sensation in his lower abdominal area. The after-effects of Ted's back injury added to Fred’s stress and depression and made it more difficult for him to cope with his bipolar disorder.
That same year, the twins entered the Indiana University School of Optometry in Bloomington, Indiana, but Fred fell into another depression his first year, which begin to overwhelm him. "I was losing sleep and falling behind in classes." he says. "The stresses were way too high for me. I was afraid I would flunk out of school."
At the dean's suggestion, he decreased the number of courses he was taking. Fred also moved out of the fraternity house, where he had been subjected to hazing, and into a dorm. With these changes, his mood and his grades improved.
Turbulent Times
As the two young adults turned into men, Fred's life became more settled. He met his future wife, on a blind date. They connected right away. In her, he found the encouragement and sensitivity he had needed. "She had a tremendous ability to see when I needed help. Ted didn't have that.” Fred and Linda were wed in 1964. As Fred found love, Ted's long-time relationship ended and then he too began to struggle with mood swings.
Two years later, Fred joined an Optometric practice in Detroit metropolitan area, Michigan, while Ted joined one in St. Louis, Missouri. In what he later realized was a burst of manic energy, Fred took on a second job as a visual consultant for the public schools, working a total of 80 hours a week. The gruelling pace led him to another severe depression, which lasted about a year.
I found it very difficult to go to the office and see patients. I felt fatigued all the time," he recalls. "My self-confidence diminished markedly; I started to question whether I was qualified to be an optometrist".
So, Fred quit the school program but then, almost overnight, he was back in high gear-- getting by on three hours of sleep. Some nights he would go to the bar for a couple of drinks before heading home. Looking back, he now acknowledges he was self-medicating.
“When Fred was manic, he became a person I didn't know and who was hard to live with," Linda says. "It was lonely, it was difficult, and there were long hours not knowing where he was." Fred not only had a patient wife, but also a tolerant optometry partner. "He knew when I was in a depression and was gracious enough to let me work at my own pace." he says. But Fred, when manic, refused his partner's help. "I was very outspoken and opinionated," he recalls." I would say, 'I'm productive. I'm doing great.'" He now realizes that during those manic periods, he was abrupt with a few patients. "I was going too fast; I just wanted to see as many patients that I could."
In 1970, Fred was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (or manic-depression as it was known then). There were no mood stabilizers, so the psychiatrist prescribed antipsychotics, which carried unpleasant side effects. He discontinued all his medications and mania resumed.
Linda was six months pregnant with their daughter, Lisa, their son Todd was only three, when Fred was hospitalized to try out a new drug that had just been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of manic-depression--Lithium. He was in the hospital for six weeks as his psychiatrist tinkered to get the Lithium level correct. By the time Fred left the hospital in May of 1971, he felt "more normal" than he had in a long time. The psychiatrist told him he would have to take Lithium the rest of his life.
Fred was initially faithful about swallowing his daily pills, but after three years, he began secretly reducing the dosage. "I remembered very well the creativeness I had during a mania," he says. "Mania is like a drug--you are addicted to it." He began to slip back into old ways--working from early in the morning until 8 p.m. "Linda was very aware of what was going on," he says. "She could see I was becoming manic again: the rambling speech, staying out later at night, not following through with family chores."
His ability to parent was also affected when he was not taking his medication. "I was not a good father when they were young children," he says. "When I had mania, my attitude was, 'Linda can take care of them’ I played with them when I was home, which wasn't too much, and it bothers me to this day."
Although Fred and Ted lived in separate cities, they remained close. By the early 1970s, Ted had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
In February 1978, Ted confided to his brother that he was in a severe depression. Fred urged him to try Lithium but Ted said that he could not tolerate it. Instead, he went into the hospital for electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).
Darkest Days
The mood swings and the loss of sensation from his back injury wore Ted down until "he got to a place where nothing could solve his problems." Fred says. On April 25, 1978, just three days after their 36th birthday, Ted fatally shot himself, leaving a wife and three young children.
"I was devastated,” Fred says. "The next three to four weeks, I was walking around in a deep dense fog. I could not believe my identical twin was dead."
After Ted's suicide, Fred began taking Lithium regularly. Still deeply grieving, he threw himself into tennis, racquetball, and especially running. He ran daily and competed in two marathons. "Exercise became a release for me," he recalls. "It seemed to control my mood swings."
But after four years of stability, Fred again went off his Lithium and the cycles repeated: mania followed by a deep, long depression. When he visited his mother, she criticized him for being down. After he returned home, he was so depressed he went to bed for two days. He could not face up to the fact that he and his mother would never have a close, meaningful relationship. Says Fred: “I kept trying to make it right".
But six years and one month after Ted's suicide, Fred took an overdose of antidepressants. Linda rushed him to the hospital. She was frustrated and angry. “I did not understand why he was not helping himself. I thought: 'there has to be a solution here’, she says. While Fred was hospitalized, Linda and his medical team tried to figure out why he kept relapsing. Linda relayed how Fred's depression always seemed to worsen after a visit to his mother. "She did not want to listen to Fred when he wanted her to learn about bipolar disorder," Linda says of her mother-in-law. She was denying it happened at all."
The psychiatrist advised Fred to cut off all contact with his extended family--including his mother. "When he broke away from them, we started working better as a family," says Linda.
As for Ted's violent death, it took several years for Fred to fully grieve for his twin. "If it were not for Linda I would not be here," he says simply.
As a couple, and separately, Linda and Fred began attending psychotherapy where Linda learned to be more assertive. "I had been enabling Fred to go off his Lithium by calling his office to say he was sick with the flu and trying to protect him," she says. And Fred began to listen more to his wife's point of view and be less domineering. He has remained on Lithium--initially with his wife's help. "When he came out of the hospital, I put the Lithium in a shot glass by his tooth brush," Linda says. And for five years, she stood right there until he swallowed those pills. "We had gone through 20 years of ups and downs and I decided I would not go through that again," she explains.
The past 25 years have been much calmer for Dr Fred and Linda, who now have been married for 43 years. "With my stability, we have a beautiful life and we hope to have many more years that way." Fred says. The couple also experienced the joy of seeing their children marry and begin to raise their own families.
Moving Forward
Fred had a rare chance to help his son avoid some of the pain he endured as a young man. Ten years ago, Todd was in his first ministerial position, working alongside a senior pastor who had been at the church for 30 years and did not welcome new ideas. "It was like, 'this is my gig and don't mess with it,' and that was a great stress," Todd says. Feeling powerless, Todd first became depressed, and then manic. His family noticed the telltale symptoms, but broaching the subject was ticklish.
Fred asked his son to meet for coffee. "He had rapid speech and a lot of projects going all at once,” Fred recalls. He says, “You probably think I'm manic.” I said, “Yes”. That really upset him. Fred suggested that Todd see a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Once he overcame his anger, Todd took his father's advice and has been stable on Lithium since.
The young pastor looks back at the lives of his grandfather, father and uncle, and appreciates that he has not had to endure what they did. "I am a beneficiary of my family's experiences," he says. "I am saddened that so many generations had to go through the pain and suffering they did. For some families, it is still under wraps."
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So this personal story gives us an understanding of the very difficult past that I was able to overcome. It gave me an edge in developing a full positive attitude with bipolar disorder. We know that some people reject positive thinking because they perceive their life negatively. What they do not realize is that positive thought is a 'choice’ and that the person choosing often has experience with the dark side of things and that is why they have made the ‘choice’ to be positive.
A lot of people assume that if they are going to be negative, then something outside of them will give them a reason not to be that way. So they wait and wait and wait for something...and meanwhile in their minds they turn into shadows. They do not understand that if they wanted to see the world as beautiful, then they have only to make that ‘choice’ and stick by it.
Q...Give me examples of times where you made ‘choices’ to be positive, even though it seemed impossible?
A...This is a sad story, but still one of redemption. I hope it will help others when dealing with their bipolar disorder and to know that their life, too, can change for the better even after a sad event.
After 34 years have gone by, I still miss my brother, but his death was not in vain. For I have achieved over 27 years of “episode free emotional stability” with bipolar disorder. Perhaps a large number of people want an identical twin in their life, maybe because it fills a need to be themselves “twice over". That is a positive need because it makes them feel that if one of them is at fault (for anything), the other will not be. It is not the look-alike (glasses, clothes, facial expressions, or hairline) that identifies identical twins. It is what lies inside of them: a double soul that contains a deep knowledge of who each one of them really is--in reality, their identity.
I had that privilege for a short while, to live with my identical twin. But, 34 years ago, a biochemical imbalance took him away from me. You cannot escape your own attitudes, for they will form the nature of what you see. And those attitudes may always control a negative image of your past, if you permit it. I chose to look to the future and have my identical twin lead me to my own bipolar stability, fighting the same biochemical imbalance that we both shared. He and I are still the same, but also very different. Because I am alive, he is not. However, some of him is still with me. There was a choice I had to make, to climb out of that dark side of my life and to overcome a very personal loss and make it into a positive. My twin’s death provided redemption, pushing me toward building my positive attitude, so he did not die in vain.
I am reminded of some simple decisions and choices I needed to learn while trying to replace the grieving of my brother’s death. I found that my thoughts were clouded and that it seemed the devil, at times was a voice of reason. "Do this," the voice says, "and life will be easy for you. Do this and don't think about anything else. Do this and forget all that foolishness of serving others, sacrificing your time.” Perhaps we need to leave where we are and venture forth in faith. It is a journey filled with decisions and choices. Filled, I dare say, with temptation and mood swings. The mark of a maturing spirituality, it seems to me, is the willingness to continue facing up to these alternatives, allowing ourselves to be changed, allowing ourselves to reason with positive thinking, to continue positive choices along this journey with bipolar disorder. Working through sickness, physically or mentally, provides a helpful perspective, although I wish I could find an easier way of going about it, I am grateful for choosing a positive viewpoint.
I recall two days recently that had gone by in a blur. A patchy depression and a fever caused 48 hours to come and go, without much attention at all. Of course, you don't have to be sick to have that happen. Indeed, too often, too many of us fail to cherish each day, each hour and each minute. We find ourselves ignoring the richness of the life around us as we narrowly limit our focus to just our own lives. Those days indicated that the world goes along just fine without me. But I like being engaged with the world. I like participating in the lives that are all around me. I like getting up each day and heading off to meaningful activities and rewarding relationships. It seems to me, even on the edge of this miserable bipolar disorder, that these are the marks of the fulfilled life. It's not how much I've acquired, but rather whether I've managed to cherish life or not, all of life.
It became a source of enlightenment when the fever dissipated and that patchy depression began to lift because I was determined to practice "self help.” However, the night after recovering, I dreamed of my dying. Actually, it may not have been a dream as much as that strange and mysterious time of transition between consciousness and unconsciousness. I seemed able to control the course of it and I stretched it out for a very long time. I remember I was weeping. I was surrounded by those I love and one by one, I was able to tell them what they meant to me. Slowly, I spoke of the gifts they had given me, the joy that we shared. When it was over, I lay in bed enjoying my tears and pondered again the things that really mattered. The knowledge of being able to find those positive choices and putting them to solid use will continue to guide me on those positive paths to overcome bipolar disorder.
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Q...How do you feel that your marriage was a very important aspect in your life in developing a positive attitude toward bipolar disorder?
A...Let me illustrate a few example of my marriage as it relates to my struggles with bipolar disorder and my goal toward achieving episode free emotional stability. I will start by sharing a little story about my wife, Linda. She recalled in the spring of 1984, when I was in a very deep depression; I took the overdose of pills. When I was released from the hospital, she came to me with a message of “tough love". She said, "You need to start taking full responsibility for your life, or I’m going to leave you". It was a real wake up call for me. So I started that long hard journey, with bipolar disorder, to stability. Now, looking back, it was because of Linda, and developing a positive attitude, that I have succeeded with these years of stability.
Recently, as Linda and I were relaxing in our lanai, overlooking a small lake and a waterfall, I observed a few changes in her face that only come with time. However, those changes soon seemed to melt away with her radiant smile. The same smile she had since the day she was 22 and we wed.
How and why we came to be in love, I do not think either of us can say, but we both agree that staying in love takes a lot of work. The discipline of spending time together, of sharing activities, of listening to each other, of confessing our faults and forgiving each other---this is the work of staying in love. There are rituals of daily affection, daily household duties, and daily reminders of what it means to be in love...these are the means by which we nurture and sustain our relationship. To pray only when we felt like it, to dismiss duty or discipline as an archaic concept, is to court spiritual disaster.
A number of years ago, I received a Christmas card from an old friend who had attended Optometry school with me. Beneath the printed inscription that wished us a Merry Christmas, my friend had scribbled. "You two are the only ones left." It took me a few minutes to decipher the hidden message and then sadly it dawned on me what he meant. My wife and I were the only couple out of ten from those post-graduate years who had remained married. One out of ten! It hardly seemed possible. I sat and thought of all the pain that our friends had endured as their relationships came to an end. I thought of all the good times and bad times we had shared together as we trudged on in our academic careers. The dreams that we shared...all of it passed now as one relationship after another dissolved into divorce. What had happened that tore our friends apart? Perhaps more important, why had my wife and I been spared? We’ve spent years building our relationship through laughter and tears, good times and bad. But we both were determined to fulfil future hopes and unrealized dreams. Why has it worked so far?
I am convinced that there are a number of factors that keep the flame burning between Linda and myself not the least of which is the realization of the tenuous nature of the flame. How easily it can flicker and fade. How quickly it can be blown out. Each time my wife and I struggled through my episodes of bipolar disorder, we were reminded of all the outside forces that could wreak havoc with our married life. Jobs, money, children...these are just some of the pressures that can, at the wrong moment, blow like a gale against the flame and threaten to extinguish it. These are times when we nurture the flame even as those outside forces seek to blow it out. To recognize that flickering fragility is to guard against the darkness of separation and divorce. These were the times I need most to develop a positive attitude.
A strong marriage is the result of kindness, simple kindness. It seems so elementary and yet so many find it elusive. A gentle word, an inquiring look, a surprising hug...they did wonders for myself and Linda. And the joy of it all is that it is so very fun to do! These are not painful, difficult actions. Kindness is so easy and the rewards are so great, I am amazed I do not see it more often. I remain convinced of the healing and strengthening power of kindness is one answer to the stability of marriage and ultimately my bipolar disorder. The continuing fulfilment of our marriage works like an ever-developing globe to protect our flame. Such faithfulness allows us the freedom to share fully in each other’s lives. And now I can continue to see a trend here of 'choice’ toward positive thinking in my life. It truly was a 'choice’ that had to be. Bipolar Disorder is difficult enough to deal with, but living a married life without positive thoughts to keep the negative symptoms of bipolar at bay, can be insurmountable.
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Environment, Genetics, and Family Unity
Q...Are there other factors that influence your “choice” toward staying positive with bipolar disorder?
A...Environment and genetics, along with family unity, are as important in a strong and stable marriage to maintain a positive attitude.
Most all of us know that bipolar disorder is a genetic/inherited disorder. I have long wondered how parent's personalities and emotions play with their offspring, as to the degree of onset with bipolar disorder. Expressed emotion (EE), defined as emotionally intrusive, critical and hostile comments from various family members towards the person with the disorder, was one of the first variables demonstrated to influence the course of bipolar disorder. The effective size for EE in bipolar disorder is significant. The detrimental effects of EE are more pronounced when received from parents than from a marital partner. Low maternal warmth is a risk factor for relapse in adolescent bipolar patients. In bipolar disorder, EE holds predictive power even after accounting for subsyndromal symptoms and personality traits. Family members who may feel unconsciously or consciously responsible for the offspring's disorder (e.g., either through bad genes and/or adverse rearing environments), or see symptoms as under the patient's control, may be more prone to blame the patient and feel angry towards him/her.
I ask, could parental and environmental influence help off-set bipolar disorder? Every two years we have our extended family reunion. I am the patriarch of this reunion. Between my brother and sisters and their children, we have 18 kids, ages 15 to four years in the third generation. An interesting fact is that there are four members in the first generation that had bipolar, five members in the second generation and one member in the third generation. So, it is obvious that the genetics of bipolar are involved within my family.
As I watch this third generation of children play and react with each other, my mind could not help but think and feel, “which will be the next child with bipolar ?” Then it dawned on me that parental and environmental influence is a large part or percentage of bipolar disorder. And if the parents play it right, could these 18 kids just somehow escape the wrath of the past?
There have been repeated findings that between a third and a half of adults diagnosed with bipolar disorder report traumatic experiences in childhood, which is associated on average with earlier onset. The total number of reported stressful events in childhood is higher in those with an adult diagnosis of bipolar disorder, compared to those without—particularly events stemming from a harsh environment rather than from the child's own behaviour. Children can be like tape recorders or parrots. They mimic or repeat what they hear, and more importantly what they see or observe. This is true for behaviour, attitude, and the formation of morals and lifestyle choices. The following text, from an unknown author, describes this point very well. The poem can serve as a guide for parents, who must make sure that they realize that teaching is not only verbal, but non-verbal too:
“If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice."
Neil Moonie reminds us: If children live with security, they learn to have faith. He goes on to say, “If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.”
Again, I keep suggesting that the ‘choice’ of being positive with bipolar is the direction to pursue. Family gatherings continue to build the foundation of positive thinking. Another positive example of family influence with bipolar disorder.
There is an old oak table. It is stained and marked from over a hundred years of daily use. It has five leaves that allow it to expand to seat 14 people quite comfortably or 20 slightly squeezed. It has an interesting history. Although there's no label underneath, I've been able to track its history back as far as the turn of the century in Berne, Indiana. It originally came from a community from Gunten, Switzerland. It belonged to my great grandfather, who was a prominent individual in a not-so prominent town. He and his wife took great pride in raising their family. As the family grew, each child, grandchild, and great-grandchild took pride in carving their names underneath this great oak table. I can remember the laughter and loving fellowship that was shared.
In any case, it is a fine old table. Sturdy and well-built, to be sure, but its substance comes, I am convinced, not so much from the oak as from the occasions that it served as host to. It was, without question, the center of our family life...or at least the place where our family centers. It is a symbol and a reminder to all of us what it means to be a positive family. It is a place of relationships and it is as holy as any altar could ever be.
Being able to find the everyday simplicity in our lives is something to behold. Bipolar Disorder can eat away the daily moods that fall upon us. I learn about this simplicity years ago with my son as we walked together. I was looking for those positive answers to give insight into my always present bipolar. As he hiked with me through golden leaves by a hidden mountain lake, we were left peacefully to sit and watch the wind breathe on the water and overhear the gossip chattered among squirrels and their neighbours. We spoke, in that wonderfully unspoken way, my son and I. We shared our dreams in silence sitting by the mountain lake. We talked of the future and of what he would remember of this time when he was four and his dad was 30 and they went for a hike on a brilliantly blue day. We prayed with our hearts that God would remind us of this holy time of father and son and we laughed without making a sound as we cherished the moment together.
I was susceptible to images of time that day, for I still struggled with my bipolar episodes. I stood with feet firmly planted on the ground and watched as time had raced by me and had an uncanny feeling that my son would one day have to tackle this same disorder. Until, by a hidden mountain lake, God reminded me of who I am and where I am rapidly heading. He hugged me, my son did. In a gesture that was very briefly startling as we sat together and alone by the water. It was a warm reminder that angels often disguise themselves as children. We were held together by love and our rhythmic breathing, gracefully hypnotized. "Time and tide wait for no man," but occasionally they slow down to a crawl and you find yourself breathing a little easier, breathing with your son.
And now as time has passed, the simplicity continues with my grandson. I thank God that my “choice’” toward positive thinking has continued to support my stability. Perhaps, as I have achieved stability in my life with bipolar disorder, I am able to live a more positive life and enjoy the “small stuff". I was thinking about this lack of mindfulness from which so many of us suffer. I recall a time last winter when I was walking with my little grandson and we stopped by a bridge to watch the water from a small creek flow through the ice and snow. We crouched for a while paying particular attention to an icicle slowly letting go--drop after drop of clear, pristine water. Finally, the little boy spoke. “Papa,” he said, "why are you so good to me?" I suspect that he was sensing the holiness of the moment. I have a hunch that he realized just how rarely we adults stop to watch water flow or icicles drip. I needed to come to terms with the genetics that may encompass my bipolar disorder and my grandchildren. What to do? I do expect to be positive and honest with them.
A child is only interesting if he is in contact with himself. I learned you have to trust yourself, be what you are, and do what you ought to do the way you should do it. You have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it. Facing a mirror, you see merely your own countenance; facing your grandchild, you finally understand how everyone else has seen you. Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. We must level with our children and grandchildren by being honest. No one spots a phony quicker than a child. A child of five would understand this....Send someone to fetch me a child of five.
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Q…Is there more than environmental, genetics and family unity that builds your strengths of positive thinking?
A...The simple fact is that "change" is needed in every persons life to continue with positive growth.
It is just 12 years ago that I started a new phase of my life (Since Jan.1999). It included retirement, contentment and enhancement of stability with bipolar disorder.
Have any of you thought that the retired mind could free you from the constant biochemical changes that cause bipolar disorder? Perhaps it is the changes in environment that relaxes the mind in retirement. Therein lays a possible answer to enhancing stability.
We all know from our sessions with the psychiatrist, that change of space and surrounds can give relaxation to mind and body. For example: lying flat on your back, under a warm sunlit beach in Florida. Often times, it is just a simple change in environment that will melt some the threats of mood change. Five years into my retirement, I knew that I needed more “contentment and enhancement” to my life, and continued growth toward my stability. I had achieved my goal of stability with Lithium for the past 15 years before retirement. However, there was still a deeper need to find a change of environment to soothe the balance of bipolar disorder.
So it was that my wife and I left Michigan for Naples, Florida, eight years ago.
I share these thoughts, because I believe that any environmental change can be a tremendous factor in controlling stability with bipolar. Quite often I have heard from others that "If only I could get away somewhere, I know that these feelings and moods would change.” It is a wonder, my friends that life with stability may be just around the corner, at a different place that you can call a “Paradise of the Mind”.
To answer the questions why I feel it is so important to maintain a positive attitude with bipolar disorder, I felt that I needed to “change” so many areas in my life. The negative symptoms with bipolar required a positive change in dealing with everyday demands. These are some of the positive changes I have made in my life in the last 27 years.
-Change my concept of 'pride.' I had too much feeling of honour. I was too ‘puffed’ up.
-Change speech patterns. My tone of voice carried a sound of dominance, meanness, and rudeness. I needed to learn how to speak softly.
-Change my point of view. I carried an ‘air’ of always being ‘right’.
-I would always counter others points of view. Made them feel worthless/useless. I needed to let go of having to win an argument.
-Difficult to admit a mistake.
-Using a ‘sarcastic’ type of humour.
-Change listening habits to become a better listener.
-Change conversation habits. Would always interrupt or ‘talk over’ what others were saying.
-Change the way I think, so that my life may change.
-Change or suspend my ‘pomposity’ and ‘rigidity’ so others could recognize my ‘flexibility’ and be able to find trust in me.
-I needed to let go of ‘striving’. To change how I may be viewing the present. To change how I view ‘striving’, then to develop ‘contentment’ without anxiety and fear.
-Change how I would act and react with others. Be in charge of emotions try not to fly off the handle.
-Change to be responsible for all my ‘actions’.
-Change and /or control ‘ego’, inwardly, for more self-esteem, self-control, and self- confidence.
With these ‘changes’ I was able to build on my “Power of Positivity" with bipolar disorder.
When trying to always point to the positive for bipolar, might I suggest that one critical aspect I have learned is to not ask people for "advice" but rather to seek their "opinion." It was one of those moments when you slap yourself on the forehead and say "why the hell, couldn't I have thought of it that way?" It is such an important distinction, and asking for advice creates pressure because there is an implicit risk of "what if my advice is wrong," whereas, if you ask me for my opinion, the risk feels much, much less. Hell, "we all have opinions, and actually like to express them."
Another very important quality of communication was "pausing” before interfering. I now would deliberately bite my tongue and zip my lips at the precise moment that I was tempted to get involved in the lives of those around me. I needed to become aware of my inclination to tell others, particularly my family members how they should be conducting their lives. Even if I hold off for a few moments before I butt in to someone else's business, I would be on my way to allowing those around me to find their anchor within themselves. This new discipline of resisting the habit to get involved by "pausing" before I would be interfering enabled me to see how capable everyone truly is when they are in the energy field of someone who "allows" rather then "dictates.”
Learning that faith is a gift from God, then, this kind of faith is God's gift to me. But in the words of that great theologian and spinach-fed sailor..."I yam who I yam and that's all I can be.” Have those of us with bipolar disorder continued to be all we can be? Have we all truly accepted our diagnosis? And do we have that faith that we can achieve stability?
To help build my faith with God, I needed to fine more simplicity. I felt there was a concerted need to “change” my physical activity.
I have begun a new type of walk, two or three times a week. I call it a “soul walk;" entirely different than my physical walk that I do three or four times a week:
-While engaged in soul walking, one should let one's mind simply relax. Soul walks are not undertaken in order to solve life's problems, resolve difficult situations or decide future activities.
-Soul walks are simply for walking.
-If you are accustomed to timing your walks or using a pedometer then this kind of walking will be a new experience for you.
-If you are one of those curious folk who has taken up the latest and strange fad of aerobic walking...soul walking may take some getting used to.
-As I am out on a soul walk, all kinds of wonderful things happen. A porcupine ambles on. Squirrels stop by to say hello. The sun rises. Ducks fly by in slow motion. These are wonderful things that remind me of why I live near the warm Gulf of Mexico winds. Indeed, why I live at all.
-I am convinced that we need a little less regimen to our living and a lot more purposeless activity...like soul walking.
-Which brings me to my final point and, I believe, it brings out the positive thinking in us that have bipolar. It is the relaxation that we so often need. It is strictly for fun.
-If you become compulsive about it or develop a daily discipline that demands your allegiance, than it is not soul walking anymore. It is something else, and it may even be good for you, but it is definitely not soul walking.
-Soul walking is an exercise in nothingness. There is no purpose, no destination, no reward but the walk itself.
It is from the soul walking experience, that I began to wonder what other exploratory events could happen with my bipolar life. It was then that I recalled when I was in the "wilderness" of depression, that I discovered positivity of "change" to be free. It was there that I formed and firmed up my potential goals to overcome potential episodes. Sadly, and too often, our negativity tells us precisely the opposite. It says, "Don't change. Don't grow. Don't do anything different than what has been done before. So often we people with bipolar disorder, are in a "wilderness" all our own. The question is? Can we "change" and grow so that we can be free from our own "wilderness?" Things get shaken up in the "wilderness." That is when I found my answers were to "change" from my old ways and to continue to work with my doctors, my prescribed Lithium, my family, and developing a higher level toward positivity.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason we so easily pray not to be led into temptation is because we are so very comfortable where we are. In the midst of everything else going on in our lives, the last thing we want is to confront the possibility of "change." "Lead us not into temptation" may be just another way of saying, "Look, my life may not be perfect but at least it's familiar, so please God don't complicate it with invitations into the unknown." Surely we face similar temptations. We are tempted to convince ourselves that we are doing all we can for God and for others...and perhaps we are...but why then are we, as people with bipolar disorder, so afraid to hear of other possibilities? Why are we so uncomfortable when the invitation to "change" is placed before us?
Is it because we are afraid to discover who we really are?
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Q...What would you say is the ultimate direction you needed to turn to after you started those changes in your life?
A…There are times in anyone’s life that we need to look deeply into the spiritual realm, whether we find comfort in nature or a Super-Human. Religion is the belief in a Super-Human power or divine entity, usually referred to as God. It is expressed in worship and manifests as a spiritual experience. A Super-Human being may have great power, along with nature and all human affairs. And so, God is not the exclusive property of our spiritual needs, but Nature, Christians, Zion, Islam, Buddha or whoever, may be the common choice for each of our individual needs. I happen to chose God and have found comfort and support with His positive guidance in my life.