The Meaning of Larf
By Philip Bradbury
Published by Philip Bradbury at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Philip Bradbury
Written (with cleverness and élan) by Anony Mouse Mostly
Edited (with insight, diligence & love) by Philip Bradbury
Typeset (with brilliance and majesty) by Philip Bradbury
Front cover designed (with flair and imagination) by Philip Bradbury
No rights reserved. Everything here is copied from some other source so I can hardly claim originality. Where possible, the original author has been acknowledged, advised and/or gifted a book.
With larfter, Philip Bradbury
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Contents
LARFING MATTERS
ADULTS ON CHILDREN
AGE CONCERNS
ALTZHEIMERS TEST
AVIATION RULES
BENEFICIARY LETTERS
BILLY CONNOLY WISDOM
BLONDES
BUREAUCRATIC WISDOM
CALIFORNIA
CHILDREN’S FAIRY STORY
CHILD WISDOM
CHILD WISDOM … ON LOVE
CHILD WISDOM … ON RELIGION
CHRISTMAS PARTY INVITATION
CLASSICAL GAFFES
COMPUTER COMPANY MEMO
CONSUMER LABELS
CORPORATE CAPABILITIES
COWBOY WISDOM
DISCOVERY OF RADIO
DOG’S RULES
DONKEY TYPES
ELDER WISDOM
ELDER WISDOM
EMAIL DISCLAIMER
ENGLISH LANGUAGE IMPROVEMENTS
FAMOUS NAMES IN HISTORY
FRIENDSHIP POEM
GEORGE W. BUSH WISDOM
GOD’S CHILDREN
HELL FREEZING OVER
HEALTH TIPS
INTERESTING AND USELESS FACTS
I’VE LEARNED …
I WAS JUST SAYING …
JOB APPLICATION
LEGAL WISDOM
LEXOPHILE HUMOUR
MAINTAINING YOUR INSANITY
MEDICAL RECORDS - US PHYSICIANS
MEDICAL RECORDS 2 - SCOTTISH NHS
MEDICAL TERMS
MEN’S WISDOM/RULES
MILITARY CONVERSATIONS
MOTHER’S WISDOM
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
NEW YEAR’S EMAIL
ONELINERS
PATENT BRILLIANCE
PERSISTENCE
PRIESTS SERMON CORRECTION
PUNS
RELIGIOUS QUESTIONS
SEX QUOTES
SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION
SENIOR’S BANK LETTER
SMART ALEC ANSWER
SNOW TIME FOR LAUGHING
SYDNEY OLYMPIC QUESTIONS
TEACHER ARRESTED
TOILET RULES
TRAVELLERS’ INSTRUCTIONS
UNEXPECTED ANGELS
UNIVERSAL WISDOM
UNUSUAL BODY CIRCUMSTANCES
WOMAN’S WISDOM
WORDPLAY
YOU KNOW YOU’RE LIVING IN 2010 WHEN...
ABOUT PHILIP BRADBURY
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LARFING MATTERS
The meaning of life has eluded us since Pontius was a pilot, or before then, when Adam and Eve started begetting all sorts of people with unpronounceable names. In spite of all our amazing knowledge and ability to communicate it, no one has come up with a definitive meaning for life - if they had there would only be one religion and one guru. As it is, the number of religions is increasing and there’s a new philosophy, a new diet, a new business system and a new way of trying to be what you’re not, coming out every day. And, like riding a bike or making love, life doesn’t have to be understood to be enjoyed ... in fact, those who think they have the answers (priests, philosophers, gurus) seem to have very serious faces and not a lot of fun. If that’s their meaning of life, they’re welcome to it. So, let’s get off the need to understand anything and just have some fun, spreading some silliness through this ever-so-earnest world of ours.
What we do all know for a certainty is that the meaning of larf (or laugh for those who speak properly English) is larf itself. It’s just good to do and we all feel better for a good larf. And larfs are so contagious - you can’t help larfing when someone else does and it’s so easy to get others to do it - just fake a larf and they’re off - the simplest and cheapest way of healing an earnest and depressed world. And, to my strange mind, health and happiness are attracted to the simplest and cheapest of remedies, while the more complex and expensive remedies seem to spawn a whole host of other problems, as Dr. Bruce Halstead, Director of the World Life Research Institute, Colton, California, stated in his article The Health Plan for the United States:
The bottom line is to keep America sick, as sick people make astronomical amounts of money for the medical profession. Medical care is a monopolistic industry that generates in excess of $600 billion per year, or almost 12% of the Gross National Product. It has been estimated by the coalition of Immune System Disorders that more than 65 million Americans are suffering from secondary immune deficiency disorders. Cancer generates more than $100 billion a year, with one person dying of cancer every 64 seconds, about 1,350 people per day or 500,000 people per year. More than a trillion dollars has been spent and wasted in the war against cancer.
And, talking of cheap, all of the following words have come to me for nothing. They turn up in my computer each day and I have no idea who wrote them originally. It seems to me that the universe, daily, offers us free wisdom and so few of us take the chance to learn, grow or heal from it.
‘Well,’ I thought, ‘they come into my world, I have a giggle, and they go out again. What a shame they don’t stay for longer as I still get a good larf each time I read them’. And so this boook - to celebrate the (largely) anonymous geniuses we meet every day, in our homes, communities and work-places, with their quick quip, their insightful invective, their wily wisdom, to help us through another minute, hour, day or year. They know not what healing they bring to this world. Thank you from the bottom, top, sides and every other part of my heart and funny bone.
Those who are not anonymous have (obviously!) been given credit for their words and they will also receive a copy of this book, except for those deceased geniuses on page 16 … I’m sure someone ‘upstairs’ will appraise them of their continued notieriety.
And if you’re out there and wish to claim some sort of royalty, please let me know. And if you want your silly wisdom to go down in posterity, also let me know for there will surely be other books - I had so much fun doing this that I just have to do it again.
People say ‘it’s no laughing matter’ - the truth is that larfing certainly does matter and let’s have a whole lot more of it. Oh, by the way, Larf stands for Learning And Realising Freedom.
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ADULTS ON CHILDREN
Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tyres.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
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AGE CONCERNS
I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing, “Silent Night”. Age 5
I learned that our dog refuses to eat my broccoli too. Age 7
I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mum makes me clean it up again. Age 12
I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I learned that although it is hard to admit it, I am secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 26
I learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Drive carefully. Age 29
I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30
I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just have no idea of how to show it. Age 42
I learned that you can make some one’s day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44
I learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48
I learned that singing, “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51
I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to keep, or improve your marriage. Age 61
I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I learned that you should never go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I learned that if you pursue contentment, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I have learned that if you don’t do as your wife says, you will be in big trouble. Age 71
I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I learned that even when I have pains, I do not have to be one. Age 82
I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90
I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
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ALTZHEIMERS TEST
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is old cat.
This is fart cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
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AVIATION RULES
From the Australian Aviation Magazine, June 2000:
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
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BENEFICIARY LETTERS
Actual letters to the U.K. DHSS:
I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.
I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable to masturbate his food.
In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I am sorry I forgot to put down all my childrens’ names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This was a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
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BILLY CONNOLY WISDOM
I don’t understand why …
People point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is - where’s yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People are willing to get off their bum to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
People say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
People say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
People say, while watching a film, ‘did you see that?’ No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor!
People ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’ Don’t really give me a choice there, do you?
When something is ‘new and improved’, Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
People say ‘life is short’. Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
When you are waiting for the bus, someone asks ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here?
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BLONDES
DEAD BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She asks, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburettor.’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, ‘Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?’
She asks, ‘Why officer?’
‘Because your breast is hanging out,’ he says.
She looks down and says, ‘OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!’
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’
‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’
The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’
The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’
She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’
‘HelOOOooo,’ answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’
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BUREAUCRATIC WISDOM
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
Buying a stronger whip.
Changing riders.
Saying things like. ‘This is the way we have always ridden this horse.’
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
Changing the requirements so that we can declare, ‘This horse is not really dead.’
Hiring contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
Declaring that, ‘No horse is too dead to beat.’
Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
Purchasing products to make dead horses run faster.
Declaring that the horse is, ‘better, faster and cheaper’ dead.
Forming a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Would be funnier if it weren’t so true!!!!
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CALIFORNIA
You know you’re in California when......
Your co-worker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can’t remember ... is pot illegal?
You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can’t remember ... is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can’t remember ... is pot illegal?
Its barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: ‘STORM WATCH 2010.’
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Hey! Is Pot Illegal????
Both you AND your dog have therapists ....
... and the Terminator is your governor.
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CHILDREN’S FAIRY STORY
The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, ‘… and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’’ The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that man said?’
One little boy raised his hand and said, ‘I think he said, ‘Holy crap! A talking pig!’’ The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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CHILD WISDOM
No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
Don’t trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
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CHILD WISDOM … ON LOVE
Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way.
When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.
When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth.
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don’t yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings.
Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK and it’s not too hot.
Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in the kitchen while kissing.
Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no.
When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you’re scared she won’t love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more.
There are 2 kinds of love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Love happened at my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.
Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you’re in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay.
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Don’t feel so bad if you don’t have a boyfriend. There’s lots of stuff you can do without one.
Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird.
If you want somebody to love you, then just be yourself. Some people try to act like somebody else the boy likes better. I think the boy isn’t being very good if he does this to you and you should just find a nicer boy.
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
Love is what makes people hide in the dark corners of movie theatres.
Love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick up where you left off when you reach heaven.
I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget and need to be told.
You have to fall in love before you get married. Then when you’re married, you just sit around and read books together.
I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.
Love cards like Valentine’s cards say stuff on them that we’d like to say ourselves, but we wouldn’t be caught dead saying.
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Love means you never have to be lonely. There’s always somebody to love, even if it’s just a squirrel or a kitten.
You can break love, but it won’t die.
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CHILD WISDOM … ON RELIGION
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing up right in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
LOT’S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?’ A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d throw
up.’
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
MOSES AND THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task but, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”
Tommy answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!”
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes, sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, ‘And all girls.’ As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” Said his mother
“I don’t have to,” The boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating, at our house.”
“That’s our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”
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CHRISTMAS PARTY INVITATION
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 01, 2010
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the grill house. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 02, 2010
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating reconciliation day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy holidays to you and your family. Patty.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 03, 2010
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table.... you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads “AA only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little too cheap. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 04, 2010
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything!?!?!?!
Patty.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 05, 2010
RE: The F%$king Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f%$king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream! I’m hearing them scream right now!!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die! The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 01, 20104
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!!
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CLASSICAL GAFFES
Mrs. Gelegg had doubtless the glossiest and crispest brown curls in her drawers, as well as curls in various degrees of fuzzy laxness.
George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss
She touched his organ, and from that bright epoch even it, the old companion of his happiest hours, incapable as he had thought of elevation, began a new defined existence.
Charles Dickens, Martin Chuzzelwit
‘Oh I can’t explain,’ cried Roderick impatiently, returning to his work, ‘I’ve only one way of expressing my deepest feelings - its this.’ And he swung his tool.
Henry James, Roderick Hudson
Thus rendered bold by frequent intercourse, I dared to take her hand.
Edited by F. M. Reynolds, The Keepsake
Prince of the school, he had gained an easy dominion over the old Greek master by fascination of his parts.
Walter Pater, Marius of Epicurean
Mrs. Goddard was the mistress of the school … where young ladies for enormous pay might be screwed out of health and into vanity.
Jane Austen, Emma
Sacred Poems and Private Ejaculation
George Herbert’s subtitle to his famous book of poems, The Temple
Mrs. Ray declared that she had not found it at all hard and then, with laudable curiosity, seeing how little she knew about balls, desired to have an immediate account …
Anthony Trollope, Rachael Ray
You think me a queer fellow already. It’s not easy to tell you how I feel, not easy for so queer a fellow as I am to tell to in how many ways he’s queer.
Henry James, Passionate Pilgrim
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COMPUTER COMPANY MEMO
This is a real memo sent out by a computer company to its field engineers, in all seriousness, about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.
MEMO re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
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CONSUMER LABELS
The intelligence of the human species has to be doubted when one reads the instructions that are deemed necessary on consumer products:
On a blanket from Taiwan: Not to be used as protection from tornado.
On a helmet-mounted mirror used by US cyclists: Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.
On a Taiwanese shampoo: Use repeatedly for severe damage.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink: After opening, keep upright.
On a New Zealand insect spray: This product not tested on animals.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer: To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles: Open other end.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert, printed on bottom of the Box: Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning - containing nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions - Open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning - may cause drowsiness.
The American Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign ‘Got Milk?’ prompted them to expand their advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation read ‘Are you lactating?’
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, ‘It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you’. The company thought that the word ‘embarazar’’ (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read, ‘It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.’
The slogan for an American poultry producer, ‘It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken’ was translated into Spanish as ‘It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.’
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CORPORATE CAPABILITIES
Chairman of the Board: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, talks with God.
President: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water if the sea is calm, talks with God if special request is approved.
Executive Vice-President: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, can fire a speeding bullet, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, is occasionally addressed by God.
Vice President: Barely clears a Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with a locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, swims well, talks to animals
Manager: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings, is run over by a locomotive, is not issued ammunition, dog paddles, talks to walls.
Supervisor: Runs into buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three times, wets himself with a water pistol, can’t stay afloat without a life preserver, mumbles to himself
Secretary: Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, she is God.
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