The Christian Aspie: Notes from the Blog
by
Stephanie Mayberry
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
Stephanie Mayberry on Smashwords
COVER IMAGE BY:
Stephanie Mayberry
The Christian Aspie: Notes from the Blog
Copyright © 2011 by Stephanie Mayberry
ISBN 978-1-4658-2376-2
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This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
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The Christian Aspie
Notes from the Blog
by Stephanie Mayberry
Tithes, Offerings and Blessings
Marcus Jannes – I have no Words I am Upset
Education Promotes Understanding which Promotes Acceptance
People – A Quite Unexpected Outcome
Awakening – 21 Days of Prayer, Fasting and Personal Devotion
I’m Autistic, NOT, like, Retarded!
Understanding Overstimulated – Heading for a Meltdown (a big one)
My Brother’s (or Sister’s) Keeper
I always fit Perfectly in God’s Family!
A Moment in History – Bin Laden is Dead
Harold Camping, you have been deceived
Are you Listening to Yourself?
To the Employer who Resents their Disabled Employee
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Introduction
On September 21, 2010, I started a blog called “The Christian Aspie.” At the time, I believed I was reaching out to help fellow Aspies (people with Asperger’s) find God and better understand Him. I had prayed about it and God laid it on my heart to start it. So I did.
Then the unexpected happened. I learned that other people were reading my little blog. Families touched by autism, teachers, church leaders as well as Aspies were being blessed by the words.
I have allowed God to lead me on this journey and this book in a collection of almost a year of posts. I did not write every day, but I did write quite a bit. What I have done, though, is add my thoughts at the end of each post. After you read a post, you will see a section, “Stephanie’s Notes.”
In that section I may expound upon what I wrote in the post, or I may share with you details of my life surrounding the post. Either way, I hope that each and every one blesses you in some way.
I thank you for reading this book and I hope that you walk away from it with a better understanding of the Aspie mind as well as a deeper relationship with God. I hope that you will not only read it once, but refer to it again and again, soaking up the words that God has laid on my heart.
Be blessed.
Stephanie
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Who am I
I started writing this because God laid it on my heart some time ago to share my world with you. See, I have Asperger's Syndrome (it is on the autism spectrum). I am also a Christian. Many people don't see how these two things can exist within the same person. I know, however, that they can. I know other Christians with Asperger's and I know what is in my heart.
So this will be a journey, my journey, as I grow as a Christian and navigate this confusing, noisy, cluttered world as an adult with Asperger's Syndrome (we call ourselves Aspies - it's OK, it's politically correct).
I have met several people who work with autistic children or who have autistic children and they are fascinated with me because I am adult with the condition. They say they want to “pick my brain” which sounds a little scary, but it just means that they want to ask me questions. They want to learn more about people who live in the autistic world. That is one of the reasons I started writing this.
But I want to learn about them too because as much of a mystery as I am to them, so they are to me.
Now, please understand that my circumstances are different from those of other people with the same condition but they are also the same in a lot of ways. There is a saying, “If you have seen one person with Asperger’s, you’ve seen one person with Asperger’s” It is the same with autism. While we may all share some common traits, we each have our own set of unique characteristics.
I know some autistic people and I think they are beautiful. I like them the same way I like children and animals. There is a purity, a truth, honesty in them and they are genuine. You don’t have to wonder what they mean because they just say what they mean. When I talk to them, I very rarely have to ask for clarification. With adult humans, I have to ask for clarity A LOT.
So, maybe reading this will help you better understand, at least to some degree, people with Asperger’s or even autism. Welcome to my world.
Stephanie’s Notes
This was my very first post. God had been working on me for quite some time, but I was resistant. I was afraid to put myself out there – or what I perceived as myself. Now, looking back, I realize this was my witness. This was me putting God out there.
That first month I had barely 100 visitors for the entire month. Six months later, that number had quadrupled. By around eight months in, I was getting more than 1000 visitors a month – all with no advertising except for Facebook and Twitter. But people starting sharing it and I began to receive emails. People were hungry, they were looking. And they were being blessed with the words I was putting out there.
Over the time I have been writing this, readership has grown continually. I have met some wonderful people. The thing that surprises me, though, is that my readers are not just Aspies. I have mothers reading who have autistic children and leaders in churches who have autistic members. But the most interesting thing is that there are also people who are completely untouched by autism.
God told me that this would bless many. He was right.
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Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Traffic!!!
I don’t think I am meant to drive. I HATE it! Traffic is the worst for me. I get upset, very upset. I can’t breathe and it is hard for me to think. My husband says it is because there is too much for me to process at once. I think that is true.
Please read this all the way through. The end is especially important.
I was in traffic yesterday. I had to go to a meeting in another city. Mapquest said it would take me 40 minutes to get there. It took me 2 hours.
I was in the traffic and the cars were everywhere! Ahead of me, they were as far as I could see. There were all the colors, lights reflecting off of mirrors and windows, sounds of horns and engines and the smells were alarming. They were doing construction on both interstates I was driving on and I could smell the cranes and equipment as well as the tar and the smells of the cars. People were pulling in front of me and the cars on the side were so close I could have reached out of my window and touched them.
By the time I got to my meeting I was very upset. I tried to not let it show, but I think they knew. The meeting went well, though and I relaxed. They told me that the traffic would not be so bad on my way back.
When I left the meeting to go home, I felt relaxed.
When I got on the interstate, though, I had not gone far when the traffic got really, really bad, even worse than before. My gas gauge was on a quarter of a tank of gas because I did not put gas in after I left the meeting. This made me nervous and upset me a lot.
I went a little way down the road in the really bad traffic but it was too much. I called my husband. I told him I was not having a good time, I was stuck in traffic and it was really bad. He was very patient with me and he talked to me in a calm, low voice (that helps me). He told me to be careful and just keep on going then when I get home relax and stay there till he got home.
Talking to him helped a lot. I did stop and get fuel so I felt better about that. Then I got back on the road and back into traffic. I got further down the road and that is when I saw what the problem was. An 18 wheeler had crashed. It looked really bad. He had been in the southbound lane and crossed the median, crashing into the northbound lane’s barrier. The front of his truck was all crashed in and the driver’s side door was open (I hope that means he was able to get out by himself and wasn’t too hurt). There were police and fire trucks and an ambulance there.
So then I felt bad. I spent the next three miles praying, asking God to forgive me for being angry at the traffic (there was no traffic at all after I passed the wreck).
Sometimes things are going on or people are doing things and we get angry about it. But if we take the time to stop and look at what is really going on (like the wreck causing the traffic), it might change our attitude toward it.
I like the quote, “Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle” because we all do have difficult battles, I know I do. If we would all treat each other as if we know of their personal battle, we would be kinder to each other and there wouldn’t be so much anger in the world. People would be more accepting. My husband said that is a fantasy, but he loves that I am an idealist.
Maybe I am an idealist, but wouldn't it be nice if this could happen
Stephanie’s Notes
I still don’t like to drive. In fact, I have become very adept at avoiding driving. I take a bus to work and the commuter lot is just a couple of miles from where I live right now. This means that I don’t have to drive much at all to get there and get home in the evening.
I remember that day, though. I was traumatized! I prayed and prayed – for the person in the accident, the other drivers and for myself.
Seeing the accident did turn me around, though. It was very sobering to see that. One morning I was riding with a coworker to work. Traffic was almost at a standstill. We heard of reports of an accident ahead, but it wasn’t until we actually passed the site that we understood.
A truck had caught fire, killing the driver. Later that day, I read that he was a young man with two small children. Here I was, worried about my morning commute and two little girls had just lost their daddy.
Puts it all into perspective. Very humbling.
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Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tithes, Offerings and Blessings
This is long, but it is important. Please read it anyway, I think you will like it and you will feel encouraged.
God blesses me every day. To me, every day that I can wake up and enjoy my husband, my dog, the cool fall air (now that summer is FINALLY coming to an end!) and all the beautiful, wonderful things He places in my path that bring me joy, is a day to rejoice. I think that too often we just take for granted that we will have tomorrow but we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. Really, we aren’t guaranteed another moment. It is only by God’s grace that we are here.
So, I am pretty simple. I have never been materialistic. I accept what I have and am grateful for it. God has been very good to me. I don’t have a fancy car or big house, but I don’t need all that. I have a nice little apartment with a loving husband (who is also my best friend) and a terrific dog. I live about five minutes from my church. We have food on the table, a roof over our head, tons of love; what more could I possibly want?
Anyway, sometimes God goes out of His way to do special things for me.
This past Monday was one of those times.
On Sunday, September 12, 2010, our pastor said that there would be an offering the following Sunday (September 19, 2010). He called it a “sacrificial” offering.
Now, I understand the whole thing about tithing pretty well, but I wasn’t sure just what an offering was. I mean, I understand the definitions of the words, but in church it could mean something different.
My husband explained it to me. He said that while your tithe is mandated by God, an offering is by choice. With an offering, there is no set percentage (like tithing – you have to give 10% of the money that you get – ALL of the money that you get), you give what you want.
I thought about it during the week and prayed about it. I wanted to give something, but I wasn’t sure how much to give or what was right. I wanted to be right, to do right.
Every morning I get a Bible verse in my email. It comes from KLOVE, a Christian radio station that is in the state where I used to live (it is in other states too, but not in the state where I live now – but I can still go on their website and listen to their shows and songs). They have what they call “An Encouraging Word” which is a Bible verse in your email every morning (www.klove.com/ministry/encouraging-word/). They also have a place for you to send your prayer requests and the staff gets together several times a day to pray for people.
Anyway, on Friday, September 17, 2010, my encouraging word was this verse:
Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full-pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. Luke 6:38
I thought it was very appropriate for what I had been thinking about and praying about (even though I think the verse was more about what you do to honor God, not necessarily giving money).
Anyway, that Saturday, my husband and I went into DC to a museum. We had lunch and then went to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a new coffee pot (one that grinds the coffee beans and brews the coffee all in one).
The next morning, Sunday, the day of the offering, I went to the ATM and got out my tithe and offering. I won’t tell you how much I gave because that is between God and me.
I will tell you that I added up how much we spent on our day at the museum, our lunch and our new coffee pot. But really, that was money I wouldn’t really miss. So, I added a little more, added enough money that I felt the space that was left by the missing money.
I believe that you really aren’t helping someone if you don’t put yourself out a little. Well, you still help, but it is good if you can feel the space that is left by the missing time, money or whatever.
Anyway, I put in that extra money and gave my offering. Then, I left and did not think about it again (except that I hoped it helped our church). I went to the farmer’s market with my husband and we had a nice, relaxing Sunday at home.
Monday morning, though, I opened my work email (I work for a federal agency) and there was an email to me from my director (she was our acting director during a transition period recently). I opened it and the email said:
In recognition of and appreciation for your contributions and achievements to and on behalf of the Records Management Division during FY 2010, you will be receiving a performance award of $1,000. Thank you for your above and beyond service to this organization and the Agency.
I was really shocked and just stared at it for a minute. Then I checked the email address to make sure it was for me (I wasn’t thinking that it was in my mailbox so it would have to have my email address). Then I checked the name to make sure that it was for me and, yes, it had “To: Stephanie Mayberry.”
Then I checked with my director to make sure she meant to send it to me – and she did! I just kept saying “Thank you, God! Thank you, God!”
So I called CW (my husband) and told him. He was happy too. He said, “God is good!”
I said, “Yes, He is.”
Later that evening, when he got home, CW told me that he believed that God honored my offering with this reward. He said I gave with no expectation of getting anything in return, I just gave what was on my heart and God blessed me with this.
I never, ever expected it and would have been just as happy to give if I never received anything in return.
But now we can buy a bed – no more futon mattress on the floor!
I am sorry this is so long, but I had a lot to say. I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you were encouraged by it.
Stephanie’s Notes
We did buy a new bed and it is wonderful! We went shopping and tried out at least a dozen beds before settling on something that we both liked. It was nothing fancy, but it is a very comfortable bed. We sleep well.
The interesting thing is, God has blessed me again and again. He continues to bless me in amazing ways. I have all that I need (even if it isn’t always all that I want) and I am content, comfortable.
I know without a doubt that God honors faithful tithing. He honors offerings, true, but the faithful tithing, the routine giving under the law, does not escape His attention. Even when I was in situations where my rent was higher or bills were larger, I still tithed faithfully. I mean, God provides me with so much! All He wants is 10% of that to be given back to Him. I get to keep 90%.
Plus, it is mandated by law, God’s law. If you aren’t tithing, you can’t receive all of the blessings that God has for you because you are living in lawlessness – rebellion.
So, a year later, God completely turned around a very bad situation for me – and continued blessing me through it. But that is another blog post. Keep reading…
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Monday, September 27, 2010
Shopping :-(
I HATE to go shopping, especially during times when there are a lot of people but sometimes I can’t help it.
Today was a day like that.
My husband was going to run to the market for the sodas he likes, mushrooms for dinner and brownie mix. But when he came home he had a bad headache (he even asked for aspirin, he doesn’t do that unless he is really hurting) so I gave him the aspirin and told him to go to bed. He is the best husband in the whole world and he would have gone for me anyway, but I don’t want to take advantage of his kindness.
So, I went to Safeway. It was awful.
I guess I went when people were getting off of work because the traffic was bad (noisy and smelly and people don’t watch where they are going – it is too much to process). I am glad it is only a mile to the market.
In the market, the music was too loud and a child was screeching. It was so noisy and people were standing in the MIDDLE of the aisles so I couldn’t get by. They were in my way and even when I said excuse me (even when I said it loud enough for them to hear) they still wouldn’t move. And they walk so slow! They meander up and down the aisled like they don’t know what they are getting. That is why I have a list. I can go get what I need and leave.
Then they didn’t have the right soda. That was very upsetting. I had to decide what different soda to get instead. It was stressful. I don’t do well with deciding on things like that. Menus are really hard and if I don’t know what brand or type to get of something I just sit there and analyze it and analyze it as i try to decide what to get.
I finally made a choice, Cherry Coke Zero (my husband really likes that). And I went to find the mushrooms.
All the fresh mushrooms didn’t look right so I went to get a can of mushrooms (I don’t like canned food, but sometimes I don’t have a choice). The cans were dented or the labels were torn on most of the cans.
I can’t buy products with torn labels or dents (My ex husband used to torment me by waiting till we got to the checkout line after a big shopping trip and he would dent the gallon jug of milk. Then he would laugh when I had to go all the way back to the back of the store to replace it.).
I had to look way in the back of the shelf to find a can that was right and OK to get.
Then the checkout lines were awful. The people were everywhere and they were noisy and smelly and there were three registers open. I stood and stood away from the registers and waited because I did not want to get in a line and have all those people around me. I wanted to just leave but I couldn’t because I needed the things I was getting.
My anxiety got bad, it was hard to breathe. There were too many people and the store was ALL WRONG! The people who were managing the Safeway should have done better to plan and have enough registers open. They were not doing their jobs. The cashiers kept paging the manager and he never came.
I had left my MP3 player at home. It has my praise music and classical music that I use to calm. I tried to listen to the music by playing it in my head, but I couldn’t stay focused. The lights were flickering and buzzing, the people were noisy, the registers were noisy and the smells were nauseating.
By the time I got out and got home I was really stressed. My husband noticed. He said i was quiet. I noticed I was blinking more and harder. But I cooked a good dinner, Steak with sauteed mushrooms and onions and steamed fresh sugar snap peas. We kept most of the lights off and ate in almost dark. He was very quiet too. He was keeping it quiet and less stressful for me. But he was worried. He said so. He kept looking at me. I was fine. I am fine now, but I just feel tired and a little shaky from the stress.
I am going to bed early so I can relax. I don’t like stores or shopping.
Stephanie’s Notes
I still don’t like shopping. However, it seems to be very important to NT women. I have come to realize that if I want to have female friends I will have to do some “shopping,” at least some of the time. It interests me that many women use shopping to “bond” with each other.
To me, shopping is a necessary evil. I love lists, but I don’t limit my list guided shopping to groceries only. When I go shopping for clothing, I have a list of what I am looking for. Sometimes it is very specific, other times it is fairly general. But I always know what I am looking for.
I prefer to shop for my clothing at thrift shops. The material is usually softer and “broken in” so it is more comfortable for me. I have a difficult time with many brand new clothes because I have to wash them several times before I even wear them. The smell of the dye combined with the coarseness of the material is a sensory experience I am not eager to initiate.
I prefer to shop online. I much prefer to shop at Wal-Mart’s and Target’s online stores because going into those stores is often harrowing. The lights, noise, people, long lines and sensory overload is overwhelming.
But I do want female friends, so I guess I have to play the game a little. It isn’t so bad, not really.
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Thursday, September 30, 2010
Worry – Bound to Destruction
Worry is a bad thing. God tells us that we should not worry, but instead should trust in Him. Sometimes, though, that is the hardest thing. Yet, the Bible tells us numerous times that we should not worry.
“Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” ~Psalm 55:22
“Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.” ~John 14:1
I have had my periods of worry. I can tell you firsthand how destructive it is. I know how very hard it is to give up my worries and give it all over to God. But worry is a spirit that binds your own spirit, paralyzing it. It holds you hostage and deceives you by making you believe that worrying will help you find solutions or be productive. But that is a lie! However, the lie is what makes it so hard to give up the worry and give it to God. And that is right in line with the devil’s plan. If you are paralyzed you can’t minister to others as effectively and your own faith is compromised.
Worry in a church can spread through the congregation like poisoned water spreads through a community. Members become ensnared in its powerful grip as faith breaks down and hope begins to fade.
People stop looking to God to take care of them, to manage their problems and they take it all upon themselves. This only leads to more problems, opens the door to more worry.
“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad.” ~Proverbs 12:25
It also hinders your ministry. Worry has a way of stalling you, stopping you right where you are. You become so mired in worry and your problems that you can’t think or see beyond it. You may have a ministry, you may reach people, but it can’t grow. It cannot reach its full potential while worry is holding you hostage.
The only way to defeat the devil as he uses your problems and worries to his advantage, is to have faith and not let worry pervade your life, your thoughts, your faith in God. It is pointless, has no value.
“And who of you being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they not toil nor do the spin, yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.” ~Matthew 6:27-29
So give up your worry, cast it away and give faith a shot – put your trust in God. He won’t let you down.
“And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” ~Matthew 6:30
Stop looking around you for answers. Stop letting the anxiety and worry eat away at you. Look up and give your worries to God.
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.” ~1 Peter 5:7
He cares about YOU, He truly does. He knows about every single worry that you have and he cares about each and every one, whether it is a job interview, a grade on a test, financial problems, marital issues or anything else. NOTHING is too big or too small for God to get involved in. All you have to do is let Him.
Stephanie’s Notes
I am not much of a worrier. I have very strong faith in God. He has proven Himself to me again and again. I know without a doubt that He will take care of me no matter what.
There are times, though, that I have said I worry about something or someone. That choice of words, however, is inaccurate. It is really a concern, not a worry. I am concerned about a situation or a person, but I know that God will work it all to His good.
I am concerned when people I care about do not know Jesus the way they should. I see it a lot. People read the Bible and even pray, but to them, God is more of an acquaintance. There is no personal relationship. No close bonding. That troubles me.
I am also troubled when people I care about are resistant to the teachings of Christ and the guidelines the Bible lays out for salvation. I want everyone I care about to be filled with the Holy Ghost because that is a vital part of salvation – repent, be baptized in Jesus name, be filled with the Holy Spirit. It is so simple, so life changing, but people are afraid to take that step – or too proud or rebellious or whatever to submit completely to God.
It makes me sad.
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
God Speaks
Sunday morning. The sun is just beginning to open the day with light and warmth like a special, wonderful package, a gift that God has given us. And indeed He has given us a wonderful gift today, for as you are reading this realize that He has given you another day to enjoy His miracles and gifts to us.
God speaks to me in many different ways. He knows how to reach me and tell me things that I need to know in ways I understand. Sometimes it is difficult to understand things in the Bible or said in church. The language is not very straightforward much of the time. My mind gets all twisted when I try to think about some things because the meaning of the words are not the way that I know.
It is hard.
But God tells me things in the way I understand. He knows how to reach around my Asperger’s and even how to use it. I know he gave me my husband because it is my husband who helps me so much as I try to navigate this confusing and often scary world. My husband takes the time to educate himself on a regular basis about Asperger’s and autism. He is constantly helping me find advantages to my being an Aspie. He encourages me and makes me feel more “normal” than I ever have.
That is how I know that God sent this man to me. Because he is JUST what I needed.
God speaks to me through His word as well, though. This morning I was struggling. My web browser was not saving my password to a site I write for. It was very upsetting because it is supposed to. I don’t like things that don’t do what they are supposed to do. It is frustrating.
Then I opened my email and there was my “Encouraging Word” from KLOVE (klove.com).
“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful. It is OK that the universe is not in order (my husband’s term for when I get upset over things not working right). I shouldn’t have my eyes in that direction anyway.
I should be looking up, looking toward God. My focus should be there.
All is not right in the universe and in all reality it probably never will be, but that is OK.
I just need to keep looking up...Always looking up.
Stephanie’s Notes
My universe got even more “not right” after this post. For several months I struggled with many things. It seemed that aspects of my Asperger’s got worse and worse. It seemed I was going backwards. I reached a peak, though, and then God changed me. I did not ask for the change but He did it anyway.
Through it all, I thanked Him for my infirmity, for my trials because He is giving me insight and wisdom. He knows what is best for me and I have to trust Him, even if it means having faith while He is allowing me to experience uncomfortable or even painful things.
But I have emerged stronger in faith, wiser and more sensitive to His voice. I have a clearer understanding of how God moves and my maturity level has grown greatly.
I still have Asperger’s, don’t get me wrong. I still struggle with things, especially socially and I still have sensory issues. But the way I handle the situations is different. It is difficult to explain, but while the input is the same, the way I allow it to affect me, my output, is different. And God is the only answer for that.
I gave myself to Jesus, my Asperger’s to Jesus. I realized that He wanted to use not only me, but my Asperger’s. When I submitted to Him and was obedient, my whole world changed. I changed.
* * * * *
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Too Much People!
I know that part of being a Christian means being with people and helping them get to know Jesus, but sometimes it is just too much.
Today was like that.
I had to go grocery shopping. I HATE shopping!
But I made my list (with brands - I decide on my brands before I leave so I don't have to struggle with making the decisions). Then I clipped my coupons and loaded my coupons to my grocery store (Safeway) membership card (from cellfire.com).
I got to the store and started shopping. Well, first I stopped at Starbucks and got my coffee beans so we can have our coffee in the mornings at home and I got myself a raspberry white mocha.
I walked through the store, shopping, getting what I needed. It goes really fast because I use a list and I know exactly what I am going to get. I don't stop to get things that are not on my list, that would distract me and I would spend a lot of time making decisions. I don't make decisions easily.
I used to spend 20 or 30 minutes just trying to pick out toilet paper. Now I just get Northern and nothing else. Some types I can't touch, much less use, so my husband said to find one I like and stick with it.
I tried to go when no one would be there, but there were people there. Every aisle I turned down, someone would be on that aisle and they would be right in the middle!
I go so frustrated!
Then the lights were buzzing and flickering. The music was really loud and twangy. There was a child screaming somewhere. It was awful! Too much noise!
So I grabbed what I needed and kept praying. I feel sorry that I have such a hard time with crowds because I know that God wants me to reach people and help them find Him. It is so hard, though.
I tried to smile and be nice.
The guy who checked me out asked me if he could get someone to help me put my groceries in my car for me. I said no thank you, but someone could come to my house and help me carry them up the flight of stairs.
He laughed so I did too. I am not sure what was funny.
When it came time to pay, he took off my card coupons and regular coupons.
I saved $42.09 in coupons. I felt good.
I went home and my husband had come home. When I told him, he was really proud of me.
He helped me carry the groceries from the car up to our apartment. I didn't need the guy from the grocery store to help after all.
God is good!
Stephanie’s Notes
Decisions are hard for me. I always want to make the perfect choice. The only perfect choice, though, is deciding to follow Jesus.
When I go out to eat, I usually go to places I have been to before and I usually order the same things. Menus with a lot of entries, though, completely fluster me. I don’t like a lot of choices. My husband helps me a lot.
I do have a great deal of trouble when there are a lot of people around. I have a very hard time dealing with that. It restricts me in some ways. For instance, I love going to museums, but when there are too many people I have to leave. It makes me too anxious and upset. I used to have terrible anxiety at church because of the activity (Pentecostals are very active!) and because of all of the people. God has been working on me about that, though, and I am much better. My husband is helping me learn some coping skills. He is extremely supportive.
I still don’t like to shop though.
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Monday, October 11, 2010
Meltdown
I guess it was bound to happen eventually. I had a meltdown yesterday - at church.
It had been a good day. It was our church's 14th anniversary. There were a lot of people there. But there were a lot of things that set my universe out of order (that is how my husband describes it):
* We couldn't sit in our regular seats (they had reserved that area for some special visitors
* There were a lot of people - and a lot of new people
* There was a lot of noise
* There was a guest speaker (different from our regular pastor)
* There were several different (special) things in the service
* They sang on less song than usual
* I was taking photos for the service so I was not with my husband, didn't even sit with him during the service
I went to look for a person to ask them to do something (another person asked me to find him) but I could not find the person. Suddenly, I just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to go home.
I sat down on one of the chairs, not sure what to do. People were still moving around a lot, talking and i just wanted them to stop. I just wanted to find the person I was looking for, tell them what I needed to tell them so I could go home. But I couldn't find him and everyone was talking so I couldn't even ask for help.
I guess my husband saw me sitting and I he recognized I "was not doing well." He walked to me and I said, "I want to go home. I want to go home now."
He said OK and helped get me to the door. I did stop and tell a lady what was going on (she understands).
The people were everywhere and the noise was so loud I couldn't even hear my own thoughts. It was just a noise, I couldn't make out any words, just noise that was going into my head, filling my head. And the smells were everywhere. I could smell everyone's perfume, cologne, shampoo, detergent they had washed their clothes in, everything.
It filled my head and made it hurt. I couldn't breathe, my throat was tight, I was dizzy and my chest was hurting.
My husband was very understanding and kind. He spoke in a low, calm voice. He touched me, but very gently on my back - and very briefly. It is like he understood I needed no stimulation or as little as possible.
He got me home and let me keep the lights off for the rest of the evening. We kept the noise quiet and it was just us.
I settled down somewhat after a while, but I did not really sleep well. I feel better today.
Some days it is hard having Asperger's. It is hard being so different. I know that God made me this way, made me with Asperger's and he wants me to use it to help others.
And that is what I plan to do.
Stephanie’s Notes
If you are not familiar with autism or Asperger’s then you may not know that we are often bound to routine. Routines are very important to most of us, at least to some degree.
This Aspie is no different.
I need to sit in the same seat, in the same place every week. It is very upsetting when my chair is moved or someone sits in my “spot” so I can’t sit there. It isn’t a tantrum about getting my way, it is about things being right in the universe, consistency in my world, my routine continuing so that there are no surprises.
Things are very planned for me and that is how I like it; that is where I find a certain degree of comfort. My reaction on this day was from too much new, too much straying from routine. At church, even new songs, ones I have not heard before, throw me off. It can be extremely distressing and my anxiety level goes very high.
I have learned, though, that when a meltdown starts, the best thing for me is to get somewhere cool and quiet with low light. My husband is very respectful of me during this time. He doesn’t touch me or talk to me, he is just near me. He allows me to take the lead and I let him know when I have calmed enough to talk and to begin changing my environment to bring it back to “normal.”
I think a lot of people, when confronted with someone having a meltdown, don’t understand that it is OK to relinquish control. It is OK to allow that child to let you know when it is OK to resume “normal” activities. That child (or adult) knows what is best for them at that time. You cannot understand what it is like to experience sensory overload unless you have been through it yourself – with an autistic brain. As an NT you may have an idea, but it is still very different because it starts before the sensory overload takes place. It starts in how we process sensory input and how it affects us under “normal” conditions.
It is just different. So next time your child or spouse begins to show signs of a meltdown don’t tell them what to do, ask them what will make things easier and better for them. Isolation, low lights and muted sounds are a good start (if they are too distressed to respond). Don’t work against the autism, don’t fight it because you will never, ever change it. Only God can change it and only if He sees fit to do so.
I also want to add that having a good support system is so important! Those of you who care for someone on the spectrum, God bless you. You are making such a difference in that person’s life! Thank you!
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Marcus Jannes – I Have no Words I am Upset
I am so upset. I just read about a young man, Marcus Jannes, who killed himself and broadcast it over the internet. He was only 21 years old.
He had Asperger’s Syndrome.
He was so young and felt like life was so hopeless. That is sad. He was apparently struggling with the social issues that AS can cause and he was feeling depressed. So he set up his camera, sent out a link, took a bunch of pills, wrapped a cord around his neck and killed himself.
And people just watched. They watched while the life left him, while he took his final breath. They treated it like a movie or video game, not a living, breathing, hurting human who felt he had nothing to live for.
He had been posting to a forum and said he was going to kill himself. Some people tried to talk him out of it, tried to help him. This is according to the news story.
Others, though, called him names, taunted him saying he was “too cowardly” to go through with it and some even gave him advice on the best way to carry it out. It wasn’t until more than 20 minutes later, after he posted “let’s do it” that someone actually asked if anyone had called the police. By the time the police arrived, the boy was dead.
Animals.
This upsets me so much! I see how tragic this ended and then I was on a forum where they were discussing it and someone posted photos from the feed! I did not realize what they were until I thought about the description in the news story and matched it to the photos. It made my chest hurt.
I don’t understand people.
I think about his soul and it upsets me. Once you go to hell, you can’t change anything. When you accept Jesus as your Savior and are saved, you do so in faith. You do it because you trust in God and have FAITH that there is a Heaven and hell. But after you are dead, there is no changing the course. Once you are dead, faith is a moot point. At that time, it is proven to you that there is a Heaven and hell and the key factor of faith, in believing in God, is lost. It is sad that people don’t understand or believe that.
This event really bothers me, though, because people are spending way too much time communicating online and we are losing our humanity. The internet and, in particular, spending extended periods of time on social networks, forums and message boards has a dehumanizing effect.