Diary of a Dork
Articles of Sarcasm and Irreverence
Second edition
by Michael Cargill
This was the very first book I self-published.
My other free titles are available from Smashwords - http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/mcargill
Slaughter in Barnaby Close
Shelter from Thunder
Comments and feedback of any kind can be emailed to me at mcargill79@gmail.com
Twitter - @MichaelCargill1
Website of satire - http://michaelcargill.wordpress.com/
Diary of a Dork
Published by Michael Cargill at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Michael Cargill
Dear diary
This week has been rather eventful for me and that is something I really like nowadays. The first thing that happened was when I accidentally snapped my favourite stick whilst wandering around the house pretending to be blind. Role-playing as a blind person is something I often do because I want to see how blind people do things like surf the Internet, make a cup of tea and write swear words on a cardboard box. My research has shown me that being blind is a bit rubbish but not as rubbish as losing your favourite stick whilst pretending to be blind. I can't imagine anything that is more rubbish than that except maybe if your arms got chopped off whilst out shopping for Hob Nobs and you weren't able to put your hand out for the bus on the way home.
The next day I went out into the garden to see if I could invent a game using only the worms, weeds and rhubarb leaves that are out there. At first it was good fun because I used the weeds as a source of power that the worms had to try and destroy but after three hours I realised that I had been sitting on ants nest and I was bitten all over. I would have probably noticed this earlier but I thought the pain was just sunburn or acid rain or something.
Talking of games I remember when I used to go round a cousin’s house and play Monopoly. Monopoly is really popular back home in South Africa and there is a special South African edition of it. It has all the famous South African streets like Akrabamk Road, Shotgun Avenue and even Mugger's Alley. There are ‘AIDs victim society’ cards instead of those Community Chest cards and rather than going to jail you get sent to the kidnapper’s den.
***
Steve Dog can handle himself
Hi my name is Steve Dog and if there is one thing that has always defined me it is my ability to handle myself in just about any situation. I have released two information videos over the years - ‘Nunchuck Express: A tale of a man’s dream to master the use of ‘chucks in a taxi cab’ and ‘Dog Master: How to dress up as a dog for fancy dress without falling down the stairs’. All my fans have said that it is clear right from the get go that I can handle myself really really well.
It all started a few years back when I was in town and spotted some old doris being bothered by a ponce holding a clipboard. Said ponce kept asking her about changing gas suppliers or something and it got me so mad that I just went up to the geezer and headbutted him so fucking hard that his eyebrows flew off into space. Literally into space I tell you and I know this ‘cos some bloke from NASA came round to my house and asked me what my secret was. I told him to get lost and he did.
I got invited to a dinner party the other month and when I sat down they gave me a bowl with some pink, soppy shite in it. I went fucking ballistic and asked where the bastard hell my baked beans were. They told me that in the bowl was a prawn cocktail but that sounded like bollocks to me. I have eaten loads of packets of Skips crisps over the years and they make your hands stink well bad so I know what a bloody prawn cocktail should smell like. As far as I am concerned that bowl had nothing but nonce food in it and I ‘aint a bloody nonce I tell you.
Now if you will excuse me I am off to kill some pigs with my bare hands and make pork pies for meself. Talking of pigs, I had a row with a copper the other day. I told him to fuck right off and the soppy bastard only went and shit himself all the way back to the station.
Peace.
***
Dear diary
This week I have learned stuff. Earlier I was down by the river stealing bread from the ducks when my cousin came over to say hello. She is pregnant and when I asked if she knew who the father was she got all offended and upset. I found her anger a bit puzzling because back home in South Africa no-one really knows who their proper parents are so everyone tends to be related in one way or another. This helps to foster a real family spirit about the place and gives us all a feeling of togetherness. One example of this was when my dad lost his wallet so we got together and mugged someone for their money. Only a really close-knit community would do something like that.
I have been thinking about dinosaurs lots recently and I have been watching Jurassic Park over and over again. Every time I watch it I imagine how much better the film would be if Indiana Jones had been there instead of Doctor Grant. Indiana Jones wouldn’t take any crap from either the old man or the fat bloke who keeps eating things and if he was stuck in a tree with a car he wouldn’t poop his pants like Grant did. If I was going to invent a dinosaur I would make it big like a t-rex, give it the bark of a dog and then a unicorn horn on it's head so it could attack other dinosaurs.
On Wikipedia I was reading that the US dollar was the most powerful currency in the world. This is completely wrong and I updated it saying that the South African rand is the most powerful currency and included the story about the time I buried some coins in my garden and even a week later they hadn’t rotted away. I got banned from Wikipedia for some reason shortly afterwards which I thought was a bit unfair. If I was going to ban something it would definitely be antelopes because I once fell over when trying to take a picture of one.
***
Geoff the clever rabbit
Geoff was in a ponderous mood and as he sat there in the field nibbling a dandelion he began to wonder why he was feeling like he was. Earlier that morning he had listened to his dad tell the joke about the human who had mistaken rabbit droppings for raisins and stared in disbelief as his brothers and sisters guffawed with laughter whilst he just sat there in silence. It was the hundredth time that joke had been told to them and it seemed he was the only one who was aware of this.