Real Delusions
By Maritere Berrios
Published by Raider Publishing International a Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Maritere Berrios
Smashwords Edition
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To Dave, for bringing light in my darkness, writing smiles on my face and keeping me from drowning in my sea of tears. For bringing the voice of reason when mine is muted, moving me when I’m paralyzed and being patient when I’m not myself. Words will always fail to describe just how meaningful your friendship is to me. This endeavor wouldn’t have been possible without you.
To my psychiatrist, for never giving up on me, and always figuring out more alternatives.
To the series of unformed thoughts and collection of memories that lift me up and smash me down when I least expect. Over and over again.
Contents
Fuck the Girl in the Mirror = Me
Her name is Lorelai.
Beautiful girl
Violent war in her head
White and Black
Light and Dark
Forever torn
Her mind so worn
Her name is Lorelai
Successful soul
Imprisoned yet free
She carries on
Smile on her face
Until her thundering storm
Takes her soul again
Katharsis
Undressed bodies lie in line
Layers of filth cover their skin
Luminous yet dark inside
Hollering for you to purify
This world crumbles under me
It stands broken, consumed by rust
Souls reflect in pieces
Now I must pay the cost
War taking over my inner peace
Bullets coming – right at me-
Standing silent – I wanna scream
My skin burning inch by inch
Our eyes are blind
Unable to see
Not all is lost
Although it seems
Bolts of clarity shocking me
Dressed in darkness as they revealed
Past this Desert’s Heat
Is where we’ll find Your Oasis
I finally made it – or so it seems
So many holes that start to heal
Fresh water pouring over me
Little by little, washing my sins
Katharsis II
So lost, out of place…
I breathe life into me
Yet I only feel death
Fields of despair
This life and the next
My vision blurs
I start to feel weak
Yet as I stumble
Your hands touch me
Restoring my strength
I open my eyes
I’m somewhere else
No longer dark
No more death
I breathe life into me
My soul brand new
Forests of illusion
Pulling me through
I hear a melody
Mysterious and sweet
I immediately follow
Lightning struck
I’m on the ground
The melody still there
Waiting to be found
Is this real?
How could it not be?
Lightning strikes again
I’m not afraid
Running, running
Going insane
Can’t find it
I’m losing this race
My vision went black
Then came the light…
You stood there
Calling out my name
Through your song
Like under a spell
I embraced you
You purified me
In the Lake of Life
Standing beside you
I’m free at last….
Behind the Mirror
I can hide things
But my eyes won’t
They’re the mirror
Of my wounded soul
I sit still
Yet my heart runs, my mind wanders
The wind caresses my skin
And into nature I disappear
Cannot define this I feel
Making me think
How I’ve been, how should I be
Being at war yet feeling peace
Regression, oppression, depression
Pulled in many directions
Obsessions, perceptions
Can’t help but question
Know I’m strong enough
Yet I’m so weak
And as I seek reality
Can’t help but see
I’m a victim of my consequence
Self-inflicted wounds in me
Blood still fresh
After all these years
Still the bitter taste
I am what I am
I feel as I feel
I come and go
Madness within
Broken Doll
Look in the mirror
What do you see?
Lively beauty
That comes from within
Look in the mirror
What do I see?
Sorrow, pain
Wounds that still bleed
Look in my eyes
What do you see?
Fire, passion
All over me
Look in my eyes
What do I see?
Lots of darkness
Sucking me in
Look at me
What do you see?
Passion, beauty
Freedom and will
Look at me
What do I see?
Pain, darkness
A struggle to be
You are a part of me
How can that be?
You make me, you break me
I try to be free
You love me, you hate me
I try to believe
You judge me, you stab me
I cry and bleed
My wings are broken
Yet I can still fly
My voice unspoken
Will my spirit arise?
Slow, steady
Song of the wind
Calling me home
Bringing me peace
My eyes wide open
I’m finally awake
You’ve let me go for now
Trapped within myself
Forever your broken doll
Like I Am
Flying with no wings
Dying while I breathe
Speaking with no words
Screaming in silence
My brain spills blood
As it comes undone
Questions pending
Answers unknown
Looking for truth
Blinded by lies
Losing my youth
Darkness in sight
Drifting away
My effort’s in vain
Someday I’ll be fine
No longer afraid
To win I must lose
To live I must die
To let loose I must restrain
To laugh I must cry
To heal I must bleed
To feel I must be numb
To grow I must wither
Just like I am
Frozen Madness
Pools of sorrow
Dripping from her eyes
Tracing the bloodstream
She struggled to hide
Wet is her face
Red from the storm
Black her disgrace
Torn from her soul
Full of waste
She’s just taken in
Building up space
She wants to delete
Frantic, heart-wrenching pace
Killing all over again
How much more can she take
Before withering unto despair
Pale is her skin
Eyes open wide
Madness has sunk in
No sense of pride
Like a rose petal
Hurt by its thorns
I keep dripping blood
From the veins I’ve cut
Ethereal Flame
I hear your voice
Calling out for me
Dark, twisted maze
I smell your perfume
Raising my hairs
Fast, frantic race
I feel your heartbeat
Trapped in my head
Hot lust, wetness inside
I touch your skin
Sweat trickling
Down my fingertips
I feel your warmth
What more could I want?
Then you grab my hair
I lose all sense
My warmth keeps building
To your gentle caress
I taste your desires
Do you taste mine?
The fire is building
May our bodies burn
Turning to ashes
Ethereal flame
Right Poison
Already dead within my life
Inside the darkness in the light
Of the fire that burns my pride
Now there’s nothing left to find
What is it? What must be?
Nothing at all, just reasoning
You’re the knife that cuts so deep
Ripping wounds that I must heal
Who is this I’ve become?
Dull, numb and burdensome
In need of powerful antidotes
To kill the pain that this has caused
Drink! Drink! Make it die…
Dark poison, make it right
In this cold, rotten night
Make sure it dies this time
Filthy Strings
Look, I’m just a marionette
Playing along with the charade
That has always thrown me over the edge
Ever since I’ve been in this place
Why should I be real?
That’ll ruin your fantasy
In the meantime, what about me?
I’ll just please your every need
Sometimes you pull the strings so hard
It cuts me and I start to bleed
Losing sight…
Am I fake or am I real?
Dark Light
Inner demons coming out to play
Where it was once bright
And peace reigned
Here inside my mind
Where it was all fake
Happiness turned to misery
Peace turned to war
Light turned to darkness
Tears turned to blood
Here inside my heart
Unwanted and filthy
In a hole
No longer breathing
Inside my soul
No longer believing
Here at the core
Hot, cold and lonely
Awaiting the storm
That tears me apart
Though making me calm
Rain, thunder, lightning
All inside my head
Am I left to myself?
Nor light nor dark ever prevail
Silent
Silence is fragile
Silence is pure
Silence now the cure
To clean my inner roots
Silence hears me
Makes me brand new
Silence I speak
To find out my truth
Silence kills me
Making me come alive
Silence invading
I no longer hide
Silence takes me far away
Out of my mind
To numb up the pain
Giving me strength
Silence hears me
It doesn’t judge
There when I need it
So I don’t feel alone
Silence is divine
So are you
Silence pours over me
Taking me closer to you
You’re infinite
Like ocean waves
Coming undone
Only to start again
Through all this craze
Silence still remains
Telling me I must fail
In order to gain
Little silent girl
You lie within me
With so much to tell
Please let go of your shell
Silence, help me
I must retrieve
All the hidden pieces
That have become of me
Passion Overload
If only you could taste my passion
Get a glimpse of my desire
Bitter, hard to swallow
Like poison that takes me under
Would someone take this off my shoulders?
I’m dehydrated and out of oxygen
My veins have dried up
My eyes unable to see
My wings are broken
My voice unable to speak
I scream, I growl
Silence concealing
I grieve, I hurt
Raining within me
If only you could see the light
Get a hold of my senses
Burning; my own fire
Blisters that bleed
Would someone come to heal?
I’m sick, I’m tired
Of my own reasoning
I cried, I tried
Body imprisoning
Acid darkness peeling my skin
All the layers of insanity and filth
Until I stand naked
To this I feel
True Renewal
Breathe life into me
Make me stay true
Keep my feelings deep
Colourful, instead of bleached
Reality seems too real
Heat rising, burning my veins
It’s cold here inside my head
From time to time, all over again
Wash and wear
Rip and tear
Stripped and bare
Should I care?
May your light invade me
Will my faith save me?
Take me to a place I never knew
After all the stuff I’ve been through
Pure and clear
Clean and healed
Courage and fear
Truth revealed
Down Beneath
I feel so weak
My existence now so bleak
Slowing down each heartbeat
Breathing the air that now kills me
Drifting far, far away
Wondering if there’s anything left
Unlike a headache
It doesn’t go away
Down and under in just one sec.
The rope that holds me
Starting to break
Lost it all
Right in my face
Nothing else can I give
So I just give what’s left of me
Forgive me, forgive me
Peace I’m trying to seek
The road has worn me out
Vanishing beneath my feet
In the Hourglass
My skin is peeling
The itch grows stronger
Mind unprepared
Yet this I must go under
To make me new again
Hard, cold, pathetic weather
Serving to exfoliate
All dead cells and tissues
All fears and inhibitions
All the anger and hate
That had twisted my fate
Time has passed
Sand in my hands
Dead in the past
Alive at last
Hot, covered in sweat
Must keep to myself
Hold on ‘till it ends
System collapses
I re-emerge
Midnight Mist
My soul feels empty
My eyes full of tears
This night holds me captive