LANKY PANKY
By Dave Dutton.
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Dave Dutton. All rights reserved worldwide.
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CONTENTS
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A Lancashire greeting.
“Ow arta?”
“Well.Ah’m noan so weel but what Ah met be better and Ah’m noan so bad as what Ah met be wuss”
Chuck thi cap in and cum inside!
Starting with…
Forget all they ever taught you at primary school. . . it’s time to re-learn the alphabet — Lanky style.
When it comes to pronunciation, letters of the Lanky alphabet do not abide by the usual accepted rules of Standard English. They change peculiarly when translated into Lanky. For instance:
A can = E - as in seck (sack) or mek (make) or tek (take). (Art tekkin’ it in?)
But, A can also = O - as in ‘ond (hand) or sond (sand) or mon (man). Cont understond it?
Ah, but O can also = U - in certain words; eg. a dog is a dug, a man called Tom is Tum and clogs are clugs. (Don’t get it wrung).
And what is more, I can end up as E as when string becomes sthreng, light becomes leet and night becomes neet. (Aw reet?)
To confuse the matter further, when it comes to the letter H the Lancastrian doesn’t use it when he should, and does use it when he shouldn’t - as in “Ah wur as ‘ungry as an ‘orse but Ah’ve only heaten a hegg with a horange fer hafters”. (Hokay so far?)
What is even stranger, the letters D and T acquire H’s from nowhere which is enoof ter mek sthrung lurry dhreivurs weep. (Is it dhreivin’ yer daft?)
And while we’re at it, the Lanky letter R sometimes jumps one place to the left of its own accord as in brast for burst and brunt for burnt. (Is that clear, owd brid?)
And finally, but most importantly, whether it’s Christmas or not, the Lanky Alphabet sometimes has “No L” “No L” - as in words like call, fall, wall and ball used as “When Ah heard mi mam caw, Ah fawed off t’ waw an’ dropped mi baw. .
AN THAT’S AW!
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If there’s one thing a Lancastrian can’t abide, it’s pomposity.
When in Lancashire, beware - because no matter who you are, whatever high opinion you might hold of yourself or whatever your status in life, the natives have phrases which will cut you down size quicker than a streaker in a sawmill.
How would you like to be on the receiving end any of the following?
Get back int’ cheese — there’s a maggot short!
(Be off with you, you insignificant little person
Who knitted thy face an’ dropped a stitch?
(You’re hardly George Clooney, are you?)
Worrart gooin’t’ do fer a face when King Kong wants his arse back?
(Try going round with a bag over your head.)
Eigh up - peighs’ve getten their yeds above sticks (Peas above sticks)
These people have got ideas above their station
There’s no show wi’out Punch.
(This person likes being the centre of attention)
It’s a good job thi balls are in a bag.
(What a shocking memory you have, sir.)
‘Er’s like Blackpoo’ - everybody’s been there.
(She is very free with her favours.)
Theaw weren’t born - somebody grotched (spat) ont waw (wall) and’t sun hatched thi eawt...
(You weren’t conceived in the normal way.)
Thi face is lahk me backside - best eawt o’ seet
(Your face is like my bottom - it should be well hidden.)
Oi missis - tha favvers a fairy on a muck midden!
(A cry to an overdressed woman.)
Th’art too slow ter catch a cowd. (cold).
(Do hurry up.)
Th’art nowt burra slopstone blonde.
(I see that your hair is bleached. A Grade A put-down - the slopstone is an old-fashioned Lancashire stone sink, whence the insult intimates the colour of the insultee’s hair was obtained.)
Thez a face lahk a line o’ wet washin’.
(Stop sulking!)
Serves yer right fer playin’ Hide-the-Sausage!
(Cry in church to an expectant bride.)
What dust think it is - charity wick? (week).
(You are presuming too much upon my good nature.)
Thaz moor chance o’ gerrin’ knighted, serry.
(You have little chance of achieving your objectives.)
Anybody who sees thee in t’ dayleet ‘ull ne’er want run away wi’ thi in t’ dark.
(You’re an ugly devil, aren’t you?)
When Ah want monkey, Ah’ll poo’ t’ string.
(Shut up.)
Whose turn is it ter be ‘aunted toneet?
(You have a rather dishevelled appearance, madam.)
Ah’ve seen moor ‘air on bacon than thaz geet on thi yed. (head).
(You are going a bit thin on top.)
Tha’d be tall if thi feet weren’t turned up so far.
(May I call you Shorty?)
Tha favvers tha’s seen thi own arse.
(Do cheer up!)
Owd Mon! Th’art making a noise lahk a Co-op ‘orse!