“And
I Thought I Was Crazy!”
QUIRKS,
IDIOSYNCRACIES AND MESHUGAAS
by
Judy Reiser
Illustrated by
Randall Enos
Copyright © 1980, 2001 by Judy Reiser
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information contact Katalin Media, 236 East 47 Street, New York, NY 10017-2146.
First Simon and Schuster edition, 1980
First Katalin Media edition, 2001
Published by Katalin Media on Smashwords
236 East 47 Street
New York, NY 10017-2146
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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ISBN: 978-0-9707619-1-0
Designed by Judy Reiser
Illustrations by Randall Enos
For my parents,
Kate Reiser
and
Martin Reiser
Szeretettel és Hálával
JUDY REISER’S
“And
I Thought I Was Crazy!”
QUIRKS,
IDIOSYNCRACIES AND MESHUGAAS
“A hilarious collection of odd behaviors that are surprisingly endemic among humankind. Intended for mirth and amusement, yet at the same time absolutely true, And I Thought I Was Crazy! cheerfully embraces the bizarre little mannerisms and habits that help us cope.”
—Midwest Book Review
“Everyone has his or her own quirk—a crazy bit of behavior that he’d just as soon have no one know about. To give her fellow Americans the feeling that they’re not alone, as well as a chance to chortle or smirk at others’ idiosyncrasies, Judy Reiser has collected some 600 gem-like examples.”
—The New York Times Book Review
“Quirks cut across the boundaries of sex, income, race and marital status. Everybody has them. Reiser got grown people to think about it, and to tell her about it.”
—The Washington Post
“Within minutes I found myself laughing out loud at the confessions that are revealed in this humorous book. Its content will be well received by anyone from the ages of 6-106.”
—Suzie Housley, myshelf.com
“Great stress reliever. Gotta have just for the laughs. Would LOVE to have been on this book’s research team!”
—Karla Skinner, amazon.com
“Judy Reiser’s concept of collecting the foibles of Everyman is not only unique, but genius. She invented the category. You will find yourself in her book, and when you do you will laugh out loud”
—Ed Clancy, radio broadcaster
“A delightfully amusing book. You will have many ah ha! moments, thinking to yourself, “I do that!”. Upon finishing the book, you will realize you’re not as weird as you thought you were.”
—Bob Spear, heartlandreviews.com
“It is not often you come across a book that makes you laugh out loud on practically every page. Judy Reiser's book does.”
—Reese Danley-Kilgo, The Huntsville Times
“If you’re one of the crazy people, you have the sympathy of myself and all us other normal ones. I’m finished with the column now, so I can go home, as soon as I tap the space bar seven times.”
—Bob Greene, Chicago Tribune, syndicated columnist
“This really is the funniest book I’ve read in a long time. You are definately going to find yourself at least once, possibly numerous times, in here.”
—Lisa D’Angelo, bookreviewcafe.com
“These habits provide an amusing reminder of both the variety of human experience and the comfort obtained from such rituals. As this book abundantly illustrates, whatever weirdness you dream up, you'll likely find someone else's habits even stranger. ”
—Lynne Lamberg, Books for Sleepless Nights
Bedtime Stories You Haven’t Heard Before
Clothes Encounters of the Strange Kind
With gratitude
to all my wonderful contributors
for sharing your delightful
quirks,
which I’ve enjoyed so much.
Thank you.
“When I mail letters, I have to open and close the lid three times to make sure the letter went down the slot. It hasn’t gotten stuck yet but I still have to check.”
OWNER, REAL ESTATE COMPANY, MALE, 49
So, all these years you were ashamed of yourself for kissing your socks goodnight. Nonsense. You shouldn’t be ashamed at all. You shouldn’t go around bragging about it either.
This book is not attempting to solve, define or make excuses for some of the more common or uncommon idiosyncrasies. Its intent is simply to help you recognize them, laugh at them and breathe a little easier. It should serve in comforting you that you’re not the only one who presses harder on remote control buttons when you know the batteries are dead or who touches the wall behind a Wet Paint sign to see if it really is.
It will allow you to accept or at least acknowledge that we are all loaded with meshugaas (a Yiddish word for strange, unexplainable, inconsistent behavior). When you see that silver-haired, pinstripe-suited, Wall Street banker type, it is quite possible that he, underneath all that normal exterior, is a total loono-wacko like you. Look, some of us wear our suits on the outside, others inside. That’s life.
This sudden awareness will take a lot of your time. In fact, after reading this compilation of strange but absolutely true goings-on, you will be amazed that hardly an hour in your life goes by that you don’t witness some of these quirks... either in yourself (who me?) or in others.
We know children have them. And in older folks, society chalks up odd and peculiar behavior to senility. If that’s true, then senility begins at three years old. Of course having this marvelous cop-out, the old folks get away with this stuff like crazy... like crazy?
You’ll finally understand your friends, enemies, bosses, husbands, wives and lovers a lot better. You may even decide to adopt some of the more ingenious ideas here.
You’ll have more tolerance for your tennis partner when he insists on using the same ball he just faulted with for his second serve and the game is held up for twenty minutes while you both look for it.
Quirk compatibility is essential among couples. The next time you’re at a party, instead of asking, “Are you a Leo?,” find out whether he’s a Folder or a Crumpler. It’s a good way to avoid serious problems in a relationship.
This book is really for entertainment. Have a good time. Laugh. Chortle. And gasp at the quirks people are involved in. It will make your behavior seem all right. Or, on the other hand, it will point out to you how sick you really are and depress the hell out of you. Should that happen, don’t worry. Just wave your hands wildly over your head, wash an avocado with soap and water and stick it in your ear. That always works for me.
“In my estimation, there are three different types of people: The Folders, The Crumplers, and The Rollers. The Folders are very immaculate. That’s the way they are in real life. I’m a Folder, my wife’s a Crumpler and my sister is a Roller. (That’s when you hold onto it and roll it around your hand.)”
AIRLINE TICKET AGENT, MALE, 32
It isn’t Mental Cruelty that’s the primary cause of broken marriages. Nor is it Adultery, Abandonment, or Habitual Drunkenness. The first and foremost cause is Toilet Paper. And the second is Toothpaste. If she likes it going over the front of the roll and he likes it going over the back, or if she squeezes the tube from the middle and he squeezes from the bottom, those are grounds for divorce in my book. What did you think Irreconcilable Differences meant, anyway?
God help you if you’re the wife of a guy with a rapidly receding hairline. I’ll bet you a year’s supply of Vitalis that you can’t get your foot through the bathroom door because he’s in there carefully arranging his three strands of hair (which are each twelve inches long and parted at the neck) trying to cover the maximum territory.
And you can’t flush your habits away. They’re an important, distinctive, wet ’n’ wild part of you, so accept them. Don’t worry about what people would think if they saw you in the tub with your rubber duck (quirk, quirk). It’s also acceptable to be a Reader or a Non-Reader, a Single-Flusher or a Double-Flusher, a Caruso under the shower or the Silent Type. Under no circumstances is it acceptable, however, to leave the toilet seat up in the middle of the night or the shower on when the water is turned off. Remember that.
What you do behind closed bathroom doors is my business. Both Howard Johnson and I know about those towels you took on your last vacation. (C’mon, admit it.) Although I did try to be discreet and not touch on sensitive areas—I have to draw the shower curtain somewhere.
By the way, it doesn’t matter how you squeeze the toothpaste, it all comes out in the end.
I am compulsively neat. My apartment is immaculate at all times. Everything is always in order. Lined up. Perfect. But I have one quirk that is totally in opposition to my personality. I must squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center. I do NOT, as would be expected, squeeze the tube from the bottom neatly toward the top. I just take my hand and squish it in the middle. And to make matters even worse—occasionally I leave the cap off.
COPYWRITER, AD AGENCY, FEMALE, 30
I like the toilet paper and the paper towels to hang toward the front and the maid likes it to hang toward the back. So every week she comes and hangs it toward the back and when I get home, I take it off and hang it toward the front. We have this running battle.
PRESIDENT, ADVERTISING AGENCY, MALE, 35
My friend dries his toothbrush every morning because he hates when the excess water dribbles off the brush and leaves a white film on the side of the toothbrush rack. He’s meticulously clean. He recently got married and now he dries his wife’s toothbrush too because she refuses to do it.
GRADUATE STUDENT, MALE, 26
HIS FRIEND IS A GRADUATE STUDENT, 26
I never use soap. I haven’t bought any in years. I use the suds from the shampoo to wash my body after I’ve washed my hair. It gives me nice highlights all over my body.
PARTNER, AD AGENCY, MALE, 48
I shave the same parts of my face in exactly the same order every day. I discovered this just the other day. I started to shave another way and I had disfunction, I just couldn’t do it.
ATTORNEY, MALE, 27
A friend of mine keeps a cigar in the bathroom. Whenever he finishes using the toilet, he’ll light the cigar, take a few puffs and leave. That’s the only time he ever smokes.
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE, PRINTING, MALE, 56
HIS FRIEND IS A MANAGER, PLUMBING SUPPLY CONCERN, 56
I get up two or three times during the night and go into the bathroom and brush and floss my teeth. I’m very particular about my teeth. I’ve always been that way. I take constant care of them, twenty-four hours around the clock.
COSMETOLOGIST, MALE, 29
No man likes to have anyone use his razor. My wife doesn’t understand that. I tried buying her the same razor I use but it didn’t help. She thinks my razor is better because I use it. I tried switching. I thought that if I took the razor I bought for her and put it where I usually keep my own, she would think it was my razor and use it. It didn’t work. She always finds my razor no matter where I hide it. She often drops my razor and forgets to tell me so I cut myself or she leaves it in the shower and I can’t find it. It’s exasperating.
FAMILY THERAPIST, MALE, 52
HIS WIFE IS A VICE PRESIDENT, PHONE EQUIPMENT COMPANY, 46
If the water is not running, I can’t go. Public bathrooms drive me crazy because I can’t leave the faucet on. If I’m going straight home after work or somewhere where there is a normal bathroom, I’ll save it.
COPYWRITER, FEMALE, 25
After I go to the bathroom, I have to take a shower or I feel dirty all day long. I’ve never gone to the bathroom at work because I can’t take a shower there.
EXECUTIVE, GARMENT CENTER, MALE, 41
When I was growing up, every person in my family used a towel a day, seven days a week. Of course, my mother did the laundry. It wasn’t until I got to college, after I started living with other people, that I realized that some people use one towel for the entire week. I found that very strange because I was packed off to college with a huge trunk filled with towels. I was very quickly changed of that habit, however, when I started to do my own laundry.
MARKETING DIRECTOR, PUBLISHING, MALE, 30
I always use the same stall in the men’s room at work. The second to the last on the right. It’s the one I started with, so I just continue to use it. All of a sudden, bong, it occurred to me that I always use the same one.
GRAPHIC DESIGNER, MALE, 29
Every time I comb my hair, I comb my eyebrows. It’s part of combing my hair.
HAIRDRESSER, MALE, 23
It always seemed to me that seeing one little toothbrush in a holder for six looked very sad so I fill it all up with toothbrushes. I have two bathrooms so I have ten or twelve toothbrushes—in all different colors. I always use the same one, the rest of them just sit there.
PRESIDENT, AD AGENCY, MALE, 35
I never, ever dry off in the bathroom after I shower. I put the towel around me and walk into the bedroom. For a good five or ten minutes I just sit on the bed and stare into space. Then I dry off and come back in the bathroom to hang up the towel. I just want to sit down immediately after my shower even if it means leaving a trail of water on the floor every night.
LEGAL ASSISTANT, FEMALE, 23
“My friend Beverly needs music or serenading when she goes to the bathroom. We traveled in Mexico together and I had to stand outside the door and sing to her every time she went. The whole point is that she’s embarrassed about any possible sound.”
FINANCIAL ANALYST, FEMALE, 33
HER FRIEND TEACHES EMOTIONALLY
DISTURBED CHILDREN, 32
I won’t drink any water at all from the bathroom sink, only the kitchen sink. To me, in my mind, it’s different water. It could never be as clean because I associate it with toilets.
HOUSEWIFE, 36
I don’t like to be alone in a room with a closed door, so I leave the bathroom door open wherever I am.
FEMALE, 80
I have an electric razor. Every morning after I shave, I look into the razor head to find out exactly how many whiskers are caught in the little blade, even though I don’t clean it out.
PAGE, MALE, 22
Ever since I’ve been old enough to stand up, I’ve pissed outside because it feels better, it’s more natural, and it keeps the sewage system from clogging up. Urine is actually an excellent fertilizer when used in the proper ratio, and if I were ecologically conscious, I’d spread it around more, but I concentrate on one area in front of my house because I’m shielded from the street there. Unfortunately, all the vegetation has burned to death. In the wintertime, I try to write my name in the snow. Frequently, I can only get the first two letters out.
NEWSPAPER COPY CHIEF, MALE, 37
I wash my face and brush my teeth before going into the shower. I feel very dirty going into the shower without having done that. In fact, once I took a shower without first brushing my teeth and washing my face and I felt so dirty that I got out of the tub, brushed my teeth, washed my face and then took another shower.
PROFESSIONAL FUND-RAISER, FEMALE, 27
Even though I live by myself and there’s no one else in the apartment, I close the bathroom door and usually lock it when I take a shower or go to the bathroom. I think it’s because I saw Psycho and if someone should come into the house without my knowing it, hopefully, they won’t see me or hurt me!
TEACHER, REMEDIAL MATH, FEMALE, 29
I flush the loo before and after. I really don’t know why.
STRIPTEASE ARTIST, FEMALE, 32
I assumed everyone in the world brushed their teeth with hot water. It never occurred to me to use cold water. I wash my face with warm water so it seems only natural to brush my teeth with warm water.
MARKETING DIRECTOR, PUBLISHING, MALE, 30
My sixty-five-year-old husband insists on bending over, putting his mouth under the faucet and taking a big slurp to rinse his mouth after brushing his teeth. That’s the way he did it as a child and it’s just become part of his habit every morning, even though I have disposable cups right there.
MERCHANDISE PLANNER, FEMALE, 48
HER HUSBAND IS A RETIRED EDUCATOR, 65
The only way I used to be able to go to the bathroom was to re-move all my clothing, including underwear, jewelry and socks. It was the only way I felt comfortable, and still do really. I started working on changing it when I got to college—it would have been terribly embarrassing in the dorm if people had seen a pile of clothing lying on the floor. It’s still a quirk at home. One of my brothers does it too. He’s thirty-three and he’s been doing it all his life.
PAGE, MALE, 22
“I squeeze the toothpaste directly into my mouth, not on the toothbrush. Then I zoom into the kitchen where I put the coffee machine on. Then I rush back into the bathroom and shave after which about fifteen minutes have elapsed and I still have the toothpaste in my mouth. At this point every morning I brush my teeth.”
WHOLESALER, WOMEN’S APPAREL, MALE, 35
I dated, (very briefly, for the record) a psychiatrist who only peed in sinks. He was concerned about the risk of splashing when he peed into a toilet. Although we dated many years ago, we’re still friends, but I haven’t asked him whether he still pees in sinks.
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT, COMMERCIAL REAL ESTATE, FEMALE, 47
THE PSYCHIATRIST IS 60
I wash soap. I like to get all the bubbles and dirt off so it looks nice and clean in the soap dish.
JR: Do you dry it?
No, it dries by itself.
PUBLICIST, MALE, 53
If you rub one side of my face going down, it would be smooth, but if you did it on the other side, it would be rough unless you rubbed in the opposite direction. It’s because I shave one side down and the other side up. I just got used to doing it that way.
ATTORNEY, MALE, 33
I must have my second cup of coffee in the bathroom each morning before going to work. In fact, I bring the coffee, cigarettes, an ashtray and some reading material in with me and spend about fifteen minutes in there. I drink my coffee, smoke and read as I go. Everyone calls the bathroom Jack’s Library.
MAILMAN, 30
I don’t wash my hands after peeing. If I’m somewhere where there are people that I know and they can hear, I’ll simply turn the water on and let it run for a minute so it sounds like I’m washing my hands. In a public john, I don’t bother, I just walk right out because I’ll never see those people again.
CABANA BOY, 21
I think it’s vile to use a roll of toilet paper. I use Kleenex. It’s much more civilized.
HAIR COLORIST, MALE, 28
I have hand towels to be used to dry only my face but any other part of me has to be dried with a separate bath towel.
STYLIST, FEMALE, 28
I shower from the bottom up. I start with my feet and very systematically work my way up until I get to my head and wash my hair. Otherwise I would be stuck with the confusion of where I should start and it would throw my day into a turmoil. This system is not without its problems. The big disadvantage is that the dirt from my hair drips down and contaminates the rest of me which is already clean. But when I started this habit, I wasn’t aware of the philosophical implications and now I can’t break the habit.
STUDENT, MALE, 20
When I take a shower, I dry myself from the bottom up. I’ve always known it to be strange but it’s a habit I do automatically without thinking. Now, at this age, it’s the kind of thing I want to hold on to because it distinguishes me.
HOUSEWIFE, 34
When I go to the john, I take my ring and watch off. I put them on the counter and when I’m finished I put them back on.
JR: Why?
I haven’t the foggiest.
JR: Have you lost many rings and watches?
Never.
ATTORNEY, MALE, 35
I know a woman who never uses a bath towel to dry off with. She uses a washcloth and keeps wringing it out. It takes her about twenty minutes to get dry.
WRITER, FEMALE, 29
HER ACQUAINTANCE IS AN AMANUENSIS FOR A WEALTHY WOMAN, 48
I only weigh myself stark naked, first thing in the morning before eating anything and after, hopefully, eliminating any wastes from my body and never with wet hair. Psychologically, I feel better with the “thinnest number.”
OFFICE MANAGER, FEMALE, 31
I wash my feet several times a day. I know it’s excessive but I do it to eliminate any odor and for comfort because it’s refreshing. It cools me off without taking all my clothes off and hopping into the shower.
PUPPET MAKER, MALE, 29
When I’m using the men’s room, I can’t use a middle stall—I must be next to the wall. I have a hard enough time with one person sitting next to me— being surrounded by two people drives me nuts. If an end stall is not available, I will go to a different floor rather then use a middle stall. Sometimes I have to go down several flights of stairs to avoid using the middle stall.
COMPUTER PROGRAMMER, MALE, 30
When I brush my teeth, I don’t hang around the bathroom. I like to walk around the house and do different things like look at the newspaper or watch television. I don’t like to stand in one spot. When I get enough lather in my mouth, I go back and rinse. I’ve never been able to figure it out.
PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT, FEMALE, 27
If there’s anyone else in a public toilet, I won’t go. I’ll just wash my hands and leave so he doesn’t think, “What is this weirdo coming into the bathroom for?” In fact, I started college when I was fifteen years old and when I went out there, I wasn’t worried about being away from home, I was worried about what the bathrooms were like in the dorm. I was afraid they wouldn’t be private enough. When I got there it was even worse than I thought. All the bowls were lined up—they didn’t even have stalls—so for the first six months I went to the bathroom in the gas station across the street.
COMPTROLLER, MALE, 31
When we were in the service, my friend would put a washcloth on his face every time he went into the shower because he couldn’t stand the water hitting his face.
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE, MALE, 33
HIS FRIEND IS AN ACCOUNTANT, 33
Someone in my office uses four fresh towels every time she showers. One for her feet, one for her body, one for her face and one for her hair. Each time she uses a set of towels, she’ll throw them in the wash. She won’t reuse them.
ATTORNEY, MALE, 34
HIS COLLEAGUE IS A SECRETARY, 22
I use extra toothpaste on my central teeth and brush the most there because that’s the part that shows.
MARKETING CONSULTANT, FEMALE, 33
Many times I walk out of a bathroom and think for a second, “Did I flush the toilet?” It’s rare that I don’t because I’ve been trained to do so, but I have to go back and check.
INVESTMENT BANKER, MALE, 46
“My wife loves to watch television sitting on the pot. We have a television set in the bathroom and she watches all the soap operas in there.”
PLUMBER, MALE, 43
HIS WIFE IS A HOUSEWIFE, 34
“I like to play my guitar sitting on the toilet. I do my best playing there.”
MUSICIAN, MALE, 23
“I have a telephone in the bathroom. I don’t tell the people I’m speaking to where I’m speaking to them from because many would be offended. ”
GEMOLOGIST, MALE, 27
I wear my glasses in the shower so I can see what I’m doing.
DESIGN DIRECTOR, ADVERTISING, MALE, 40
I dry my face with the side of the towel that has the label on it and my body with the other side. Or, if the towel has two different textures, I’ll use the smooth side for my face and the rough side for my body. That way, I don’t have to use a separate face towel and I have a lighter load to wash.
LAWYER, FEMALE, 34
Every day when I wake up and go to the bathroom to relieve my bladder, I go through the same ritual. As I’m peeing, I say out loud, “Only five days to go.” There’s always five days to go to something and I don’t know quite what I’m referring to. It must have originated when I was in junior high school. I probably woke up one Monday morning and said, “Only five days to go,” and felt very comfortable as I said it. It was reassuring to know there were only five days to go. Except I’d say it on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, also. And now, I still say it in the morning. In fact, some of my friends have realized the beneficial aspects of this and some of them have tried it.
MATHEMATICIAN, MALE, 29
I hold my pocketbook on my head in a public bathroom and stand over the bowl and pee like a man. You would think I had a penis but, of course, I don’t.
HOUSEWIFE, 36
After my girlfriend shaves her legs, she jumps into bed because she loves the way the sheets feel against her shaven legs.
SALESMAN, GIFT SHOP, MALE, 20
HIS GIRLFRIEND IS A STUDENT, 23
I can’t go if someone else is in the bathroom—I must have complete privacy. This was a major problem at work but I came up with a brilliant solution, if I do say so myself—I simply hang an Out of Order sign on the outside of the bathroom door. The bathroom is in the hallway and there is a security guard stationed in the hallway. He finally caught on to my routine but fortunately he’s sympathetic toward my plight and puts up with my little scheme.
ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT, FEMALE, 33
Usually I shower in the morning but when I do take a shower or bath at night, I have to change the sheets on my bed. For some reason when I’m clean, the bed has to be too.
LEGAL SECRETARY, FEMALE, 31
I fold my dirty laundry and put it in the hamper in a very neat stack. You would almost think that it was my clean laundry. I do it so the clothing is less wrinkled, but when I put it in the washing machine it wrinkles anyway so it doesn’t make sense.
FEMALE, 89
I have my own bathroom in the basement which no one else uses. When I wake up in the morning, I go downstairs to that bathroom in my pajamas, sit down on the bowl, and sleep for another ten or fifteen minutes. Then I get up and take care of morning functions, like brushing my teeth and shaving.
SUPERVISOR, CORPORATE PHOTO DEPARTMENT, MALE, 65
I always make sure, when I’m going somewhere, to bring a fresh roll of toilet paper with me. I use them as tissues because they last forever. I get strange looks when people see me taking out a roll of toilet paper in public.
STUDENT, MALE, 20
“When I take a shower, I have a fear that a snake or some kind of reptile will come up through the pipes so I close down the drain. I usually have to take a medium to short shower as a result and end up with water up to my knees but I definitely manage to do away with the snakes.”
STUDENT, MALE, 22
I keep an extra toothbrush in the bathroom so it doesn’t look as though I’m living alone. If someone decides to come live with me, I have a brand-new, clean toothbrush for them.
MANAGER, PLASTICS COMPANY, MALE, 52
When I pee in a public bathroom, I stand as far away from the bowl as possible. Sometimes the people next to me get splashed because I’m usually about three feet away. I can’t understand men who lean right over the urinal wearing a $300 suit.
OWNER, AUTO REPAIR BUSINESS, MALE, 34
No matter how urgently I have to go, whether it’s at home or in the Portosan on the construction site, I have to go through a preparatory ritual before I sit down. First, I tear off a piece of paper four squares long and fold along the perforations into one square and set it on the counter. Then, I tear off three additional pieces of paper, each three squares in length folded into one and put those behind the first one. I use them in that order and if there’s no counter, I hold them on my lap. I can’t believe I admitted this. My wife doesn’t even know about it.
ARCHITECT, MALE, 48
My girlfriend brushes her teeth whenever she eats. If we’re in the car and she eats a piece of candy or fruit, she’ll whip out her toothbrush and start brushing her teeth as we’re driving along.
INSTRUCTOR, MALE, 34
HIS GIRLFRIEND IS A FILMMAKER, 28
I always flush the toilet twice because I think the bathroom will be cleaner and fresher.
SECRETARY, FEMALE, 44
It’s important to shower from the top down, head to toe, otherwise the dirty rinse water from shampooing your hair will defile your clean body. Starting at the top and cleaning each body part successively on the way down ensures that everything ends up being clean and pure.
INTERNET STRATEGIST, MALE, 35
I have a different shampoo and a different body wash for every day of the week. I have an herbal essence shampoo, a highlight shampoo, an organic shampoo, a moisturizing shampoo, a vitamin E shampoo, a jojoba shampoo and a natural rosemary shampoo. And I have peppermint, raspberry, freshia, coconut, lavender, Neutrogena and stress-reducing body washes. I rotate them and use a different one each day depending on my mood.
STUDENT, FEMALE, 13
When I take a shower, I turn the tub part on and I wash my hands and feet first. Then I turn the shower on.
JR: Why?
Because that’s the way I take a shower!
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE, MALE, 25
After I go to the bathroom, I spit into the sink. I have no idea why I do it— it might be a cleansing thing.
COMPUTER GRAPHIC ARTIST, FEMALE, 27
My father flushes the toilet first and then urinates while the toilet is flushing so no one will be able to hear him if they happen to walk past the bathroom. If the flush is over before he is, he’ll flush again.
PARALEGAL, FEMALE, 23
HER FATHER IS A LAWYER, 59
I go berserk if there’s a hair in the sink or bathtub. It has to be absolutely spotless. I live with a gorilla who’s covered with hair which makes it very difficult. I follow him around picking up after him.
STUDENT, FEMALE, 33
We were trained not to waste water in the navy because there’s a shortage on board ship. So we showered in sections. We’d soap up one part of our body and only open the faucet to rinse and then shut the water off as we soaped up another part and so on until we were clean. By force of habit, I still do it that way. My sister and brother-in-law came to visit one time. They were waiting for me to finish my shower in the morning so they could use the bathroom and they told me afterwards that they couldn’t imagine what I was doing in there because they heard the water going on and off. It seemed very strange until I explained the reason.
FIREMAN, 33
I work up a sweat shampooing my hair, so when I come out of the shower, I have to wash under my armpits again in the sink.
EXECUTIVE, MUSIC INDUSTRY, MALE, 55
As an unusual surprise one time, I filled the tub with Perrier water and my wife and I took a bath in it together. It took about a hundred bottles. I’d do it more often if it weren’t so expensive. It felt like a Jacuzzi out of a bottle.
VICE PRESIDENT, SHOE COMPANY, MALE, 35
The minute I step into the bathroom in the morning, I turn the water on and don’t turn it off until well after I’m finished brushing my teeth, combing my hair, shaving, etc. The sound of the water in the morning has a tranquilizing effect.
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE, PRINTING, MALE, 56
“For many years I brushed my teeth and shaved in the bathtub. I decided it took too long so I grew a beard and have been able to give up shaving. Now all I have to do is brush my teeth, which I do in the shower. I have saved a great deal of time and added a couple of weeks to my life, I’m quite sure!”
LAWYER, MALE, 32
I take off my pants and hang them up when I go to the bathroom at work. They’re good pants and this way I can sit down, relax and read the paper without worrying about getting them wrinkled.
EXECUTIVE, MALE, 39
My mother showers like a normal person but she washes her hair in the kitchen sink. I have no idea why—I never asked her. You see it happening but it’s not really happening.
EDITOR, INTERNET ONLINE BROKERAGE, MALE, 34
HIS MOTHER IS A NURSE’S AID, 54
It’s much more comfortable to be naked when going to the bathroom. I do this whenever I can, always in my own home. I’d like to be able to do it more often.
BUSINESSMAN, 34
When I’m all done with everything else in the bathroom, right before I’m ready to wash my hands, I turn off the light. It’s automatic and just in the bathroom. I don’t know why. When I leave, the light is already off.
SECURITY GUARD, FEMALE, 19
SCORE
Is your toilet training as advanced as that of these folks?
If you identify with less than seven of these: You’re a little behind.
From seven to eighteen: It’s as clear as toilet water. You either have a weak bladder, excessively clean teeth or you’re doing entirely too much reading. You must be very well informed.
Over eighteen: You probably squeeze the toothpaste tube from the top down.
“Most people I know, including myself, will spend hundreds of dollars or even thousands of dollars without giving it a second thought. But we will not buy Tropicana orange juice unless it’s on special. We absolutely refuse to pay the full price.”
LAWYER, FEMALE, 52
There are a wealth of idiosyncrasies in this section because money is the root of a lot of quirks. Rich or poor, we’ve all got them.
If you have money to burn and you do it, you belong here. You’ve got what’s known as an Extravagant Quirk. If your money is wrapped in foil and labeled “Hamburger” and you keep it in the freezer, you’ve got a Cold Cash Quirk. If you only buy it in a Downtown Discount Store at the end of the season on sale, you’ve got a Practical Quirk. If you only buy it in an Uptown Boutique at the beginning of the season at full price, you’ve got a Foolish Quirk. If you get someone else to buy it for you, you’ve got a Smart Quirk. If you thought this book was overpriced when you bought it, or worse yet, if you borrowed it and didn’t buy it, shame on you, you’ve got a Don’t-Know-a-Bargain-When-You-See-One Quirk.