A Lucky Bat Book
Widow's Key: Innovative Approaches for Overcoming Personal Loss
Copyright
2011 by Linda Lindholm
Cover Copyright 2011 Linda Lindholm
All rights reserved
Published by Lucky Bat Books
Original Publication Information: Copyright 2011, Published by Glue Pot Press
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Widow's
Key
Innovative Approaches for Overcoming Personal Loss
by
Linda Lindholm
*
Dedication
Widow's Key is dedicated to three people who have enriched and changed my life... my son Andrew Brown, my daughter Kate Brown and my brother Max Lindholm...for all they did to validate, facilitate and encourage this written endeavor.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER ONE – INITIAL REACTIONS
*Realization or News of a Death *Common Reactions to Death of a Loved One *Emotional Reactions *Physical Reactions *Mental Reactions *Social Reactions *Spiritual Reactions *Impact of Loss
CHAPTER TWO – FINAL MOMENTS AND RITUALS
*Surroundings, Rituals and Ceremonies *Final Moments *Last Rites or Life Ceremonies for the Dying *Peaceful Farewell Rituals
CHAPTER THREE – THE WIDOW’S FIRST FEW HOURS
*Immediately Upon Death *Initial Tasks-What to Do First *Death at Hospital or Care Center *Organ Donations *Death Certificate *Death at Home or Expected *Coroner/Medical Examiner *Unexpected or Unattended Death *If Death Occurs in Another State or Country *Exclusive Reader Online Resources
CHAPTER FOUR – ARRANGEMENTS AFTER DEATH
*Making Arrangements *Notify Others of the Death *Obituary-Public Announcement of Death *Obituary Outline *Obituary Pitfalls to Avoid *Practical Matters the First Few Days *Checklist for Home and Family
CHAPTER FIVE – FUNERAL AND MEMORIAL SERVICES
*Arranging the Funeral or Memorial Service *Purposes of Services * Planning the Funeral *Funeral Director *General Guidelines for Funeral Arrangements *Funeral Planning Checklist *Creative Funeral Ideas *Music Types and Trends *Guide to Funeral Flowers *Practical Matters the First Few Days *Checklist Regarding Home and Family Matters *Eulogy, Finding the Right Words *Elements of Writing and Presenting a Eulogy *Funeral Celebrants *Memorial Services *Requiem Mass *Living Funeral *Funerals in Religious and Cultural Context (Jewish and Christian)
CHAPTER SIX – WIDOWS OF THE WORLD
*Widows Club *Widow Defined *International Studies on Widows *Statistics on Widows *United States Widows Statistics *Myths and Facts about Widowhood *Universal Status *Common Elements in Religions Regarding Widows *Ancient Scriptures and Texts about Widows
CHAPTER SEVEN – GRIEF –THE NECESSARY PROCESS
*Definitions and Dimensions of Grief *Grieving Devastating Losses * Bereavement, Grief and Mourning Differences *Disenfranchised Grief
CHAPTER EIGHT – PSYCHOLOGY OF GRIEF
*Grief Theories *Early Grief Psychology *Grief Theory Models *Kubler Ross’ Five Stages of Grief *Current Science on Grief *Positive Sides of Grief *Mourning Tasks, Adaptations and Challenges
CHAPTER NINE – ADVANCED GUIDELINES FOR COPING WITH GRIEF
*Grieving Processes *Phases of Adaptation *Individual Grief Responses *Effective Adaptation Approach *Grief Transition Phases and Techniques *Exclusive Reader Online Resources
CHAPTER TEN -ACKNOWLEDGING THE REALITY OF DEATH
*Transition Phase One *Disbelief and Emotional Denial *What You Might be Feeling as You Accept the Death *Practical Suggestions for Coping with the Reality of Death (Mind, Heart, Body, Spirit and Connection)
CHAPTER ELEVEN – OPENING UP TO THE PAIN
*Transition Phase Two *Pain and Grief as Personal Journeys *What You Might be Feeling as You Cope with the Pain of Grief *Practical Suggestions for Opening Up to Pain (Mind, Heart, Body, Spirit and Connection)
CHAPTER TWELVE -REVISING YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AND WORLD VIEW
*Transition Phase Three *Assumptions and Core Beliefs *Revising Your Assumptions and Meanings *Making Meaning Out of Loss *What You Might Be Feeling as You Revise Your World-View *Practical Suggestions to Help You Make New Meanings (Mind, Heart, Body, Spirit and Connection)
CHAPTER THIRTEEN – ADJUSTING TO THE ABSENCE OF YOUR HUSBAND
*Transition Phase Four *Adjustment Guidance *Adjusting to Absences *Additional Loss-Oriented Stresses *What You Might Be Feeling at the Absence of Your Husband *Practical Suggestions to Help You Adjust to Absences (Mind, Heart, Body, Spirit and Connection)
CHAPTER FOURTEEN – REVISING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE DECEASED
*Transition Phase Five *Transforming Your Lost Relationship *Attachments and Bonding *Creating Healthy Connections *Different Cultural Grieving Customs *Relationships Don’t End But They Do Need to Change *Inner Connections *Rituals Maintain Your Bonds *What You Might Be Feeling as Your Lost Relationship Changes *Practical Suggestions for Lost Relationship Changes (Mind, Heart and Connection)
CHAPTER FIFTEEN – REINVENTING YOURSELF
*Transition Phase Six *New Life Roles *Revising Your Narrative Life Story *Rebuilding Your Life *What You Might be Feeling During Your Reinvention Phase *Practical Suggestions for Reinventing Self and Writing a New Life Story (Mind, Heart, Spirit and Connection) *Conclusions of the Transition Phases of Grieving *Exclusive Reader Online Resources
CHAPTER SIXTEEN – COMPLICATED GRIEF
*What to Do If You Need Help for Prolonged Grief *When You Need Extra Help *Types of Complicated Grief *Symptoms and Signs *Causes and Risk Factors *Guilt as a Complicating Factor *Risks, Prevention and Professional Help for Complicated Grief
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN-CHILDREN AND THE GRIEF PROCESS
*Tips to Help Children and Teens Deal with Loss *Myths about Child and Adolescent Grief *Age and Development Effect How Children Deal with Death *General Characteristics of Grief in Five Age Categories *Expressions and Symptoms of Grief in Children *Positive Ways to Help Your Grieving Children *What to Avoid with Grieving Children
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN – TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
*Organizing Financial and Legal Matters *Immediate Obligations and Actions *Gather Information and Documents *Documents Checklist
CHAPTER NINETEEN – FINANCIAL AND LEGAL AFFAIRS ACTION PLAN
*Organizing Techniques and Tools *Sort Paperwork and Set up Payments *Categorize and Label * Broad Categories for Files and Folders *Inventory Spreadsheet *Saving and Storing Documents
CHAPTER TWENTY – SETTLING THE ESTATE PART ONE
*Death Certificates *Social Security *Estate Administration Tips *Estate Will or Trust Administration *Practical Settlement Tips *Veterans *Marriage Certificate, Birth Certificates, Divorce Decrees, Passport, Citizenship Papers *Employment *Medical Insurance Policy *Credit Cards and Account Statements *Fraud and Predators *Appointments, Memberships and Retrieve Items *Create an Inventory of Assets
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE- SETTLING THE ESTATE PART TWO
*Title Changes and Collection of Benefits *Life Insurance Policies * Bank Accounts and Safe Deposit Box *Retirement Accounts *Estate Taxes and Tax Returns *Real Estate *Vehicle Titles and Loans *Investment Brokerage Account *Partnership or LLC Agreements *Legacy Letter *Secure Storage and Passwords *Letter of Instruction and Last Wishes Binder
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO – ESTATE PLANNING BASICS
*Planning Ahead *Necessity of an Estate Plan *Common Reasons for Making an Estate Plan *Not Just for the Rich and Famous *Personal Guardians for the Children *Getting Started on Your Estate Plan
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE – MINIMUM ESTATE PLAN
*Legal Papers You Should Not Live or Die Without *Minimal Three Documents *Powers of Attorney for Financials *Health Care Power of Attorney *Health Care Living Will Coverage *Selection of Your Health Care Representatives * POLST and HIPAA Documents
*History of Wills *Elements of a Will *Signing of a Will *Who Can Make a Will? *Purposes and Benefits of Having a Will *Essential Elements that Make Your Will Valid *Personal Representative *Selecting Your Personal Representative *Guardians for Minor Children *Will Instructions *What Not to Include in Your Will *Beneficiaries *Sample Preamble to a Will *Words of Caution about Will Kits or Online Forms *Complicated Family Trees and Mixed Families *Use of Attorney to Write a Will *Costs of Will Preparation *How to Make Changes to Your Will *Alternative Drafting Sources *Other Kinds of Wills
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE – CAUTIONS ABOUT WILLS AND SUBSTITUTES
*Dying Without a Will *Dirty Dozen Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Your Will *How to Deal With Will Contests *Jointly Owned Property and Accounts *Will Substitutes and Jointly Owned Property Cause Problems * Review Your Estate Plan *Exclusive Reader Online Resources
*What Is Probate? *Probate Court Process Step-by-Step *Small Estate Affidavit *Benefits of Probate *Drawbacks of Probate *Tips for Keeping Probate Fees Down
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN – TRUST and ADMINISTRATION
*Revocable and Irrevocable Living Trusts *Trust Versus Will *Establishing a Trust *Trustees *Information Needed for Estate Planning and Strategy *Transferring Ownership to Your Trust *Assets to Put Into Your Trust *Funding Process *Maintaining Your Trust or Will *Advantages of a Trust *Disadvantages of a Trust *Trust Administration Upon Death
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT – LEGACY LETTER
*Legacy of Intangibles *History and Tradition of Ethical Wills and Legacy Letters *Who Writes Ethical Wills, Why and When? *Common Themes of Legacy Letters *Tips on Writing Your Own Legacy Letter *Legacy Letter Form *Making Your Letter Special *Examples of Legacy Letter Wording *Preserving Your Legacy Letter * Conveying Your Legacy Letter
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE – LIFE ADJUSTMENTS – PROTOCOL
*Thank You Notes *Appropriate Designation *Wedding Rings
CHAPTER THIRTY – LIFE ADJUSTMENT – HOME LIFE
*Organize Your Husband’s Personal Items *Simplifying Your Life *Living Arrangements *New Roles and Responsibilities *When You Need Help
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE – LIFE ADJUSTMENTS – FINANCES
*Getting Your Financial House in Order – Primary Steps *Saving for Emergencies *Financial Planners and Counselors *Beware of Predators *Exclusive Reader Online Resources
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO – LIFE ADJUSTMENTS – SOCIAL
*Social Activities and Relationships *Holidays and Tradition *Travel
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE – LIFE ADJUSTMENTS – DATING AND REMARRIAGE
*Dating *Online Dating *Sexuality *Remarriage
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR – LIFE ADJUSTMENTS – PERSONAL
*Designing Your New Life *Change, Value and Purpose *Happiness Attitude *Empowerment *Conquer Negative Thinking *Forgiveness *Time Alone *Health *Spiritual Growth *You Know You Are Getting Better When *Conclusion
Like a storm, death can overtake you, often fiercely and without warning. Your whole life changes in an instant. If you are reading this book, you have probably lost someone very dear to you. Whether you are a widow due to the terminal illness, injury or the sudden and unexpected death of your husband, you are about to go through one of the most profound emotional experiences life can throw at you. Such a loss can shake the foundation of your beliefs and lifestyle to the very core. My sincere heartfelt sympathies go to you upon the death of your loved one. As new widow, you need solace, comfort, understanding, validation, information, guidance, and most importantly, hope.
In my trust and estates law practice, I have worked with a multitude of grieving widows. They all have questions and need individual help dealing with problems created by their widowhood. Based on over twenty years of legal practice, personal experiences, extensive research and interviews, I created Widow's Key as a comprehensive guide to answer those pressing questions and provide solutions for a widow’s unique problems. I have seen tremendous first-hand results and life-altering changes occur when a widow is given the relevant information, strategies and innovative approaches that she needs to survive, strive and actually thrive in her new world.
Being a widow is part of the universal human story. There are books written by psychologists to serve the mental health aspect, books written by accountants and investors about financial security, books written in legalese by lawyers on estate planning and administration, books written by clergy and counselors on life transitions, faith and more. Until now, I never had one single source of information and written guidance to offer my widowed clients. The Widow's Key resource book combines several fields of knowledge applicable to your widow’s journey before, during and after the loss of your loved one. Concepts in Widow's Key can provide you with direct, honest and practical solutions for coping with the changes and challenges brought on by your losses.
Widow's Key offers various beneficial processes and new adaptive techniques that I discovered over decades of assisting widows. My present and past clients have been my teachers when it comes to death, grief and life. Dealing with the pain and realities of loss, they demonstrate the frailty, resiliency and strengths of which people are capable. You too can access your heart’s deep power and ability to heal.
Grief is difficult work, but moving forward after the death of your loved one should not be harder for you and your family than it has to be. Your feelings will be validated and your needs addressed through the knowledge and principles found in this book. Use the information and the innovative approaches that fit your own life and recovery. Weathering the storms of your widowhood starts right here with guidelines to help you discover renewed hope, health and happiness as you reconnect with life. You will emerge from your grief journey a stronger person with positive memories to cherish and a promising future ahead of you. Your transition from widowhood to selfhood begins here.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Chapter One
INITIAL REACTIONS AT THE TIME OF DEATH
Life has a way of changing your plans. It is a simple and sobering fact that most people are not prepared for death. Grief and healing are very personal journeys filled with raw emotions and realities. Words are not sufficient to describe the shock, pain and emptiness that you experience as a widow. Words alone cannot alleviate your pain, sorrow or confusion.
Death of a loved one is a life-changing experience. At the beginning of the grieving process, you may find yourself unable or unwilling to think about what happens next. It’s ok to not be ok for a while. This section can help you understand what is happening to you and how to cope. The first step is to find a way to stabilize after the initial shock. Take stock of the situation and assess what you are ready or not ready to handle yet. Most importantly, acknowledge your feelings and be very kind to yourself.
Realization or News of a Death
No, no, nooooooooo! That can’t be. There has to be some mistake. You’re wrong. I just can’t believe it! Tell me it’s not true. Oh my God, Why? I just saw him a few hours ago, he can’t be dead. This isn’t really happening. This is a bad dream. Wait a minute. I can’t breathe. My heart is pounding out of my chest. What is this crushing weight on me? I’m dizzy. It feels like someone just hit me in the stomach. I’m going to be sick. I’m going to die right here. This pain is unbearable. I’m shattered and in pieces. I have been split in half. I feel like I’m in a cold gray tunnel. Why can’t I wake up from this awful dream? I need someone or something to hold on to. Help me. This is going to destroy me. This is going to kill his mother. How could this happen? Why him? Lord, take me instead. I can’t live without him. I’m so devastated I can’t even speak. This isn’t right. It's not fair. Why is this happening to me? Is this my fault? What did I do to cause this? Not yet. I’m not ready for this. I never got to say goodbye or I’m sorry. I needed to let him know how much I loved him. There is something I have to tell him. We didn’t have enough time. I’m not ready to let him go yet. We never planned on this. Please, just one more day. Damn you, I’m so angry with you for dying. How could you do this to me? I’m afraid. I can’t deal with this. I’m confused. I can’t think straight. There are no words to express my despair. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I’m going to fall apart right in front of everyone. I can’t stop crying. Why am I not crying? How am I going to tell the kids? Give me strength. I’m too young to be a widow. I’m all alone now. I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m terrified. This is going the break me clean in two. Who am I without him? What do I do now? What happens now?
Do you recognize any, several or all of the feelings in the paragraph above? You know that your life will never be the same again from the moment of your husband’s death. The initial shock or realization that someone you loved has just died will directly hit you emotionally, physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. The impact of loss is so profound that it touches the very core of one’s being and affects every aspect of life. It is almost too much for the human spirit to endure.
Common Reactions to Death of a Loved One
Death is the most concrete of losses. The wound you experience when you learn of the death of your loved one is like a physical injury. Western cultures readily treat physical wounds, but tend to neglect mental or emotional ones. While everyone’s experience is unique, traumatic news of a death can bring on overwhelming mental despair and physical collapse.
It is important to get an overview of the common reactions in response to the death of a spouse so that you and others around you realize that these reactions are normal in such a traumatic situation. You do not have to explain yourself, because what is happening to you is a natural reaction to your great loss. Knowing that other people have similar emotional, physical, mental, social and spiritual reactions should bring you some peace of mind.
From very personal experiences and years of working with widows, doctors, funeral directors, hospice, law enforcement, scientists, attorneys and ministers, plus reading their reports and studies, I have found the following to be normal and common reactions to one of life’s greatest traumas.
Emotional Reactions: Common emotional reactions include a degree of shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, fear, paranoia, depression, anxiety and denial. A majority of people cannot accept the impact of the loss immediately. Unconsciously or consciously, you may deny its reality and spin into a spiral of disbelief and avoidance of the truth. It is mentally impossible to believe or comprehend what has happened. At first, the mind splits, with one part acknowledging the death, and the other part of the mind denying it.
Denial is a shock absorber that helps your mind assimilate the reality of the loss more slowly. The more sudden and traumatic the loss, the more likely you are to deny its reality. Normal feelings of stability, security, safety are broken, leaving you feeling suddenly unstable, insecure and unsafe. The person that defined continuity and purpose to your life was suddenly taken from you. You feel out of balance with the separation-anxiety and isolation. Emotional wounds are real, painful and debilitating. When faced with the unbearable, the mind and body balk and go into a form of shock to protect themselves from painful news.
Physical Reactions: For a moment the whole world may seem to stand still, timeless, with no movement, no sound. Body chemistry and body functions react instantly and put you in a state of shock. One of the most typical physical reactions to the shock is for an excessive amount of adrenalin to release into the bloodstream. The physiological signs of shock bring on primal fear response actions known as “fight or flight.” The mechanisms of the body and mind are designed to declare a biological ‘red alert’. Anytime the body senses a threat or danger, it involuntarily releases chemicals that stimulate the heart to beat faster and which force more oxygen into the bloodstream. This inordinate amount of adrenalin and oxygen in the system can cause rapid heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, dizziness, tingling in the lips or extremities, involuntary shaking of the muscles or hands and difficulty breathing.
Upon hearing the news, some literally run, scream in anguish, shake uncontrollably, hyperventilate or pass out. Others begin fighting, hitting or physically attacking the news bearer or those nearby or pounding on objects. That is one reason why police officers, doctors and clergy will often tell people to sit down before presenting the bad news.
Other common physical reactions may include: digestive track complications, difficulty swallowing, muscle spasms, severe headaches, fatigue or insomnia, changes in appetite, frequent urination, profuse sweating, distress pangs, crying and rashes. Any or all of these reactions are to be expected after a loss.
Crying is another of the body’s healing and cleansing devices. Tears contain one of the brain’s natural pain relievers, leucine-enkephalin. Tears also contain prolactin, a hormone that supports the secretion of tears. Women cry more readily because they have more prolactin in their systems than men. Dr. Joyce Brothers, in her book Widowed, describes tears as ‘emotional first-aid’. Crying is one of nature’s stress releasing pressure valves. Knowing what causes these temporary bodily reactions can keep your additional fears to a minimum.
Classic psychiatric studies describe crisis grief reactions as universal and remarkably uniform all around the world. While expressions of emotions and grief can differ from one cultural group to another, widows in all societies experience both mental and physical reactions. Upon notification of a loved one’s death, people everywhere consistently experience and report tightness in the throat, muscular limpness, shortness of breathe, a need to sigh and loss of appetite. Loss grief ambushes with physical responses and symptoms like exhaustion, bone-dry mouth and tearfulness.
Shock steps in to cushion you from what you cannot yet handle. It is just part of the body’s chemistry and natural defenses. Survivors feel numbness and shock like when the actual physical body is injured. Nature is a powerful ally who will help you survive. Poet Emily Dickinson describes this first crisis grief reaction as ‘the hour of lead’ and relates it to freezing persons recollecting the snow, first chill, then stupor and then the letting go. Don’t fight the necessary survival and healing mechanisms. Accept how loss physically and mentally feels like and know that it will pass as the shock buffer wears off and the grieving process begins.
Later when the reality of the loss sinks in, the protection of shock diminishes as you are more prepared to handle the pain than you were the first few hours or days. Physical and psychological attributes of shock and denial are only temporary blessings. When the thin veil of numbness begins to lift, you will replace denial with the reality of grief in order to gently leave the state of shock and face your life and its new challenges.
Mental Reactions: When widows see or are told of their loved one’s death, many describe a dreamlike state of mind, watching, rather than experiencing, what is going on around them for days. They feel anesthetized, numb and mechanical. Life seemed surreal, with other people appearing shadowy or far away. The unconscious mind can act illogically at this time. Sometimes this crisis reaction state of clouded consciousness is referred to as a ‘cocoon of shock.’ It is like being inside a protective cocoon, bubble or behind a clear shield where reality can’t quite touch you. It is almost like mentally floating above the scene and watching as an observer.
Confusion and the inability to concentrate or remember are very common mental reactions to the loss of a loved one. Many widows report replaying certain life scenes in their minds like a DVD stuck on play, reliving of past events, obsessive preoccupation with the deceased, assigning blame, vivid dreams and visual and auditory hallucinations. Many experience exaggerated fear, panic attacks, pessimism, depression, high anxiety, indecision, bitterness, emptiness, loss of motivation, regrets, inability to plan, loss of humor and frustration.
In the case of violent victimization or murder of a loved one, it is common for survivors to feel rage and think about seeking revenge. Everyone feels angry…everyone. However, it is not ok to hurt someone or yourself. There will be times when you perceive yourself as being without appropriate feelings and sometimes feeling nothing at all. That is just another characteristic reaction response to a significant loss.
Know that these mental reactions are common and play a crucial role in the overall process of recovery and healing. You can be filled with reactions, thoughts and feelings that you have never experienced before and don’t understand. It often becomes difficult to mobilize inner resources and just cope with daily tasks. Rest assured that you are not going crazy or losing your mind. You and those around you during this period should be aware of these temporary mental reactions in order to help understand your grieving state.
Social Reactions: Many bereaved want to withdraw, escape and just be left alone. Finding it difficult to interact with other people, function at work or in social settings, or even take care of yourself or your own basic responsibilities, you may tend to isolate yourself. Some widows do the opposite of withdrawal and become overly active, involved and busy to fill the void. Since the idea of being alone at home is intolerable, you may spend time in coordinating the services, social outings, church activities, shopping and entertainment venues.
As a widow, you may observe that after the funeral you feel ignored, avoided, exclude from gatherings and treated differently. “When I was married, I was Mrs. Somebody. Now that my husband is dead, I am nobody!” cried a widowed client. Sadly, too many widows feel lonely, misunderstood, betrayed and abandoned socially.
Even at the funeral or later when out socially, people may avoid any mention of your deceased husband following the loss. Generally, people avoid someone to whom they have trouble talking to or don’t know what to say about a difficult topic. Death as a social subject is upsetting, alien and taboo. At the opposite end of the spectrum, others folks want you to relive the moment with questions of what, when, who, where and how it all happened. As a result, people may do or say insensitive things. Don’t make negative assumptions, don’t take awkward attempts at distraction or sympathy personally and don’t feel individually rejected.
Realize that any social isolation is usually because other people do not want to think about their own mortality. They do not understand and are uncomfortable with the topic of death or dying. These kinds of social reactions by others can result in reinforcing the self-imposed isolation of one widow or encouraging overly forward and outgoing behaviors of another widow. Find your own healthy balance.
Many societies’ customs expect a widow to stay by herself and follow certain mourning traditions and mandates. Additionally, in several cultures, widows suffer the compound problems of stigmatization and are ostracized. For example, in India’s Hindu tradition, they believe the taboo of death clings to the widow, so widows are considered unclean and forbidden to attend social events. The effect on the stigmatized is shame and social isolation. In Western culture, this cultural separation is not usually the case. Widows are honored and left alone to grieve until they are ready to be reintegrated into society.
Spiritual Reactions: “Oh God, why did he have to die?” A common spiritual reaction to the death of a loved one is to question or become angry with God or Allah or the Universe for allowing the loss to happen. Going through the “dark night of the soul” often leads to a temporary withdrawal from religious activities, prayer, practices, faith or beliefs. “How can I believe in a God who would let this happen?” is a common refrain. A spiritual crisis often occurs in which guiding assumptions and core values get called into question. Many mourners then experience guilt for being angry toward God, themselves or their deceased spouse.
The hardest part of faith is the last hour.- David Wilkerson
A recent loss can reactivate anger over a prior loss or prior feelings of anger. Some widows feel furious and abandoned by God and the deceased. “How dare you leave me?” Working through the feelings of abandonment, desolation and anger are normal and essential to the healing process. Anger, even if displaced, is an indication that you are beginning to accept the facts and reality of the death.
One of religion’s most significant tasks is to enable its adherents to cope with the death of others and their own demise. Many religious faiths profess that the deceased is now in paradise or heaven or will be reincarnated, but when the widow cannot comprehend the unknown, she may questions her faith and bemoan her fate. Phrases like “It was God’s will” or “He’s in a better place” or “I’ll pray for him” may torment the widow. To which a widow may respond, “Will prayer bring him back?” Widows may feel that religious practice, especially if it had been a kind of “make a wish” religion, has failed them at this point. If one is too confused to concentrate on scriptures or if the words fail to comfort and relieve the suffering, some widows start to disbelieve the power of the religious texts. In various cultures, it is the spiritual leaders themselves who judge and degrade the social and economic status of the widow causing fear, anxiety and additional traumatic losses.
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows. – Yiddish expression
On the other hand, widows often claim that the experience of loss and grief brought them into a deeper, more personal relationship with God or their deity. Several books about death and dying, such as Instantly a Widow by Ruth Sisson, are full of the faith-enhanced experiences of others. Bereaved widows often move toward a more mature, realistic and personal faith by honestly examining their values and beliefs during the grief process. The assistance of clergy and an organized service can provide comfort, a sense of order and gratitude for a religious community during this passage. Rituals, meditation and prayer give direction to a confused mind and lessen the pain.
People tend to seek out God or a higher power when death intrudes into their life. Widows often speak of feeling the presence of a holy spirit or the deceased beside them. Persons in deep distress over the loss of a loved one have reported mystical experiences like seeing the primary deity, saints or avatars of their religion, such as Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad, Virgin Mary or Quan Yin. Sometimes mourners report that the loved one or a spirit came to assure them that all is well and it gives them positive comfort. This spiritual outreach is a way to make sense of something senseless. A widowed client once described her comforting sense of faith as similar to being wrapped up in a warm blanket. Whenever she felt overwhelmed by situations, she would literally wrap a fuzzy blanket around her shoulders and return to her safe place of love.
Impact of Loss
The impact of loss is so profound that it reaches to the very essence of your being and affects every aspect of your life –emotionally, physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. These obvious reactions are to be expected during and after a loss. Don’t try to understand or rationalize all that is happening during the clusters of reactions. They are a natural part of your body and mind’s healing processes doing their jobs to protect you. It was an identifiable traumatic event that brought on the symptoms and these reactionary manifestations will disappear in time as you progress thorough the healing process.
Widows behave and react in a number of ways to individual and private sorrows. The death of your spouse, one of the most intimate attachment relationships, poses profound challenges to your adaptation as a living being. Be kind to yourself and realized that this lightening bolt of grief and pain will lessen over time. Just know that whatever you are thinking or feeling, that another widow has thought it, felt it, lived it and survived it.
Chapter Two
FINAL MOMENTS AND RITUALS FOR THE DYING
Final Moments
Attitudes on how we care for the living are reflected in our attitudes on how we care for the dying. Medical staff, clergy and officials generally maintain respect and cultural sensitivity when dealing with the deceased person and his family. Being with and caring for a dying loved one promotes the healing process for you and those left behind.
Many times the last days of life take place in the home, a hospital, nursing facility or in hospice care. Hospice is a program or center that provides special palliative care for people whose conditions are terminal when they are in their final days of life. Hospice also provides support for the families of the ill person during the process and after the death.
Vigiling, staying with one on the verge of dying, focuses on the person dying. Even though you are suffering, reclaim the last days, hours or moments of dying for the person going through it. Offer your loved one an opportunity to experience his passing with love, respect, care, calm, quiet comfort, honor and sacredness.
As Jesus said to his disciples when their lives were threatened by a raging storm on the Sea of Galilee, “Where is your faith? Don’t be afraid.” This is the comforting message that last moment rituals and prayers convey, that the person is to be at peace and address death without fear.
There is no greater gift of charity you can give than helping a person to die well. – Sogyal Rinpoche
As someone is dying, the various traditions and religions observe several sacraments such as last rite and communion. These dying rituals are basically, confession and absolution to sanctify the body to make it ready for death. Often dying rituals involve creating a space around the person that contains the sacredness of the moment.
Death is a time to honor religion, cultural and family rituals. Rituals can help you and your dying loved one make the transition from life to death. The last moments and the dying experience can be infused with a spiritual and yet personal element. Rituals connect all involved with the spiritual and offer peace and reconciliation. The priest, rabbi, iman, poojari, clergy, monk, shaman or other religious leader can conduct ceremonies near the time of death or immediately after.
Traditions such as Extreme Unction or Last Rites, the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick are commonly administered to the dying, for the remission of sins and for the provision of spiritual strength. In modern times, their uses have been expanded to all who are gravely ill or are about to undergo a serious operation. Religious rites are used as a secondary effect of the sacrament to help a person recover his health.
The following is an introduction to the customs and rituals surrounding death and dying in two of the world’s major religions, Judaism and Christianity. This summary about how religious rituals may deal with a person’s final moments of life should be of help, to you, as the widow, family and friends of the dying person
Last Moments of Life Ceremonies or Last Rites
In Judaism, the Shema (declaration of faith) and Vidui (confession) are said together with the person that is about to die, if the person is conscious and in a lucid state of mind, according to the Code YD 338.1 of Jewish Law. The patient may require a rabbi to recite prayers and facilitate the recitation of the confession on a deathbed. If the person is not in a condition to say anything it is customarily said by those around him on his behalf. When death is imminent, the dying person should not be left alone. Transition begins when it is recognized that the person is dying, and falls in the category of being a goses.
During this goses period, there are specific directives for the behavior of the family and community of the dying person, including recitation of Psalms and confession of sins (vidui). The goses is considered a living person and this has implications for the Jewish arguments against euthanasia or organ harvest. Making funeral arrangements or beginning to mourn one’s loss before the death occurs is considered inappropriate.
Christian Catholic ministrations to the dying are known as the last rites. Last rites are the final prayers and ministrations for Christians given only to people who are extremely ill and believed to be near death or at the time of death. The last rites go by various names and include different practices in different Christian traditions. Last rites include two distinct sacraments: Penance and the Eucharist, the last of which, when administered to the dying, is referred to as viaticum, a word whose original meaning in Latin was “provision for the journey.”
The normal order of last rite administration is first penance or confession. If the dying person is physically unable to confess, absolution will take place as part of the effect of anointing. Next is the anointing and then viaticum. Like Confession and Holy Communion, the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick can be repeated as often as is necessary. Families often supplement the last rites with their own prayers and farewells.
Christians, in particular Anglicans, Lutherans and some other Protestant communities use a rite of Anointing the Sick, without necessarily classifying it as a sacrament. The Episcopal Church includes Unction of the Sick as among other sacramental rites and it states that unction can be performed with oil or simply with laying on of hands. Christians often follow many of the traditional Catholic traditions, but also try to ease the pain of death with prayers, the reading of scriptures and soft sacred music for the dying, but also for their families and friends and for the nurses and doctors who care for them. The patient may wish anointment by a minister or priest. Prayers are often recited. When death is felt to be imminent, many Christians will want to receive Communion.
Other Peaceful Farewell Rituals
Joyce Rupp, author of Praying Our Goodbyes (1988), Your Sorrow Is My Sorrow (1999), and Walk in a Relaxed Manner (2005), describes a popular non-religious “Go in Peace” ritual that has brought comfort to the dying and the living.
During the “Go in Peace” ritual, those family and friends with dying person bless and thank the various parts of his body (head, eyes, ears, mouth, arms, hands, heart, feet, etc.). They recall what his body had done for him and thank him for how he used that part of his body in some way as a gift or blessing to others.
For example, when praying a blessing for his head (the dwelling place of his brain and mind), several persons standing nearby placed their hands on the head and mentioned how he influenced their lives by his beliefs, attitudes, and values, and thank him for sharing dreams and hopes. Then those around the bedside added personal ways his head had helped them. After each part of his body was blessed, the group spoke together: “You will always be a part of our hearts. Go in peace.”
Sometimes the names of saints or Jesus or those who passed away before are mentioned and said to be waiting. Listening to renditions of favorite music and being in the quiet presence of loved ones compliments and completes the farewell rituals.
Chapter Three
From the first moments after your husband passes away, just when you are trying to deal with the shock and reality of the situation, you seem bombarded with questions, decisions and forms to fill out. In the middle of the shock, you are asked to make choices, deal with hospitals, funeral directors, morticians, family, friends, and sometimes reporters. You are suddenly faced with strange new responsibilities and that can be very frightening and unsettling.
Dealing with the first few hours and days after the death of a husband can make even the most organized woman feel incompetent, like a total amateur. You are not crazy. You are a widow. The best way to handle this duty is to take care of only the most urgent and necessary functions one at a time and take on the rest later.
Whether you have shared your loved one’s final moments after a long illness or received a phone call with news of an expected or unexpected death, you still feel bewildered and in shock when someone dies. When death occurs, you and your family will need to make lots of very personal decisions. The formalities and details that need to be taken care of right away by the survivors seem particularly overwhelming during such an emotional time.
Immediately Upon Death
A variety of things must be completed in the first few hours and days. Among your tasks, you need to notify family, friends and clergy, arrange for the care of the body, organize funeral and burial ceremonies, prepare obituaries and alert various government agencies and business entities. There are some things to handle immediately and other decisions and actions, like settling the estate, which you can tackle in the coming months.
Initial Tasks – What to Do First
In this section, I will walk you through the maze of details in the first few hours and first days. The other tasks can just wait a bit until the most necessary obligations are over and you are more stable. I know you would rather just curl up and cry right now, but it is up to you and other family members to arrange a funeral service, handle visits, calls and such. You can get through this, maybe with the help of others, but you can do it.
What to do first depends on the circumstances and location of the death. In the United States, about thirty-two percent of deaths occur in hospitals, twenty percent occur in nursing homes, and half occur in other places.
Death at a Hospital or Care Center
If the death of your spouse occurs in a hospital, nursing, hospice or similar care facility and you are the first to be aware of the death, alert the hospital or care center staff. Give yourself adequate time to process and experience what has just happened. You have witnessed a profound event. You might need to spend some quiet or reflective time with your deceased husband. You may want to touch or hold your loved one and say your personal good-byes. Say farewell in your own time and in your own way. Family members, friends and clergy may want to have a few moments with him to perform rites, accept the death and begin the grieving process together or separately. The funeral home or mortuary need not be contacted immediately.
When you have said your goodbyes, it is time to surrender the body of your loved one to the funeral home. The hospital staff will usually help or take care of some arrangements and will contact the funeral home of your choice. If you are not present at the time of death, the hospital staff will notify you or the next of kin as instructed. The body might be moved temporarily to the facility morgue while transportation is arranged.
If you are present when the morticians arrive, they will need to ask a few questions in order to complete the death certificate forms. They will then prepare your loved one’s body for transport. If your spouse has any jewelry you would like to keep, ask the funeral home personnel to remove it and give it to you. If you have any questions for the funeral home or coroner such as where the body is being prepared and a time when you will meet to plan the services, ask them. As professionals, they understand that this is a very difficult time and are usually very sensitive to your situation.
In the absence of any conditions that would necessitate the presence of the coroner or medical examiner, and after pronouncement of death, the hospital or care facility staff can contact a licensed funeral director for you or the family. If it is necessary, they will arrange an autopsy. Most state statutes do not permit a hospital, nursing home or facility based hospice to release a body to a funeral director or family member unless the facility has a signed death certificate and receives a removal notice.
Organ Donations
Decisions are extremely difficult right after your life partner passes away, but permission for organ donation must happen almost immediately. If it was the written or declared wish of the deceased that the organs or body are to be donated for transplant or medical research purposes, the doctor will have to be contacted as soon as possible. It is likely that the hospital staff will approach you if the circumstances are likely to favor transplant. Organ donations in the United States for 2009 totaled 14,631 (8,021 from deceased persons and 6,610 from living donors). The designated donor consent rate was 74% in 2009. Many potential recipients in need of transplants go unmatched and pass away for lack of donated organs.
While organ donation is a very personal or religious decision, when someone dies you have an opportunity to save someone else’s life by making a tissue, organ or artificial body part donation. Many widows feel that a part of their loved one lives on when they give the gift of life through an organ donation. Just know that when organs and tissues are removed, the procedures are similar to surgery and all incisions are closed, and an open casket is still possible after donation. There is no cost to you, the family or the deceased’s estate for organ donation. Additionally, there is no financial compensation to the donor’s estate or donor’s family for the organ donation. Consider donations an act of charity.
Death Certificate
Federal law requires that the attending physician, a coroner or medical examiner must pronounce death. Authorities require a certificate from a physician or coroner to identify the deceased and validate the cause of death, generally within forty-eight hours. The funeral practitioner who assumes custody of the body will get the personal data from you or the most qualified person or source available.
The information needed by the funeral home staff for the death certificate will include:
• Full name of the deceased
• Deceased’s residence address and telephone number
• Deceased’s Social Security number
• Time of death
• Current location of the body such as facility name, address and telephone number
• Attending physician name and phone number
• Father’s full name and birthplace; Mother’s full maiden name and birthplace
• Veteran information
• Occupation
• Spouse’s name, address and telephone number
• Information source’s relationship to the deceased
The physician at the hospital or nursing home or a medical examiner will sign the cause of death and begin filling out the death certificate. This death certificate is given to a licensed funeral director to file in the state and county where the deceased has passed away. The funeral home staff in charge of final disposition arrangements will complete the non-medical paperwork and submit it to the proper government vital records authority, registrar or health department to issue certified copies.
Funeral directors generally are required to submit the documents and information to the proper government registrar within five days after the death in order to get official death certificates for you or next of kin. Each state government dictates the proper form of the document for use, timelines and the procedures necessary to produce a legal death certificate.
Certified death certificates, which include a government seal, can be obtained within days from the funeral home and thereafter more copies can be obtained through the state’s official government authorized service and secure ordering system.
Sometimes called a medical certificate of the cause of death (MCCD), the death certificate is a document issued by a government official that declares the date, time, location and cause of a person’s death. In the United States, death certificates often do not specify the full cause of death, generally referring to it as ‘natural’ unless the death was homicide, suicide, accidental or declared in absentia.
Death certificates may also be issued by executive order or court order in the case of individuals who are declared dead in absentia. Missing persons and victims of mass disasters (such as Hurricane Katrina) are issued death certificates in one of these order manners.
One purpose of the certificate is to review the cause of death to determine if suspicious causes or foul play occurred. The medical examiner’s findings can rule out murder or accidental death. When the cause of death appears obvious like old age, accident, documented medical disease, and foul play is not suspected, an autopsy is rarely performed. If there is a chance that drugs or alcohol played a role in an accident, autopsies are common.
It is compulsory that a death certificate for each death that occurs in state will be submitted, within days after death and prior to final disposition, to the county registrar where the death occurred, to the Center for Health Statistics or as otherwise directed by the State Registrar. Proof of major life events like a birth, a divorce, a marriage or a death are only issued by an official government agency. Additionally, public health offices use death certificates to compile statistical data on numbers and causes of death.
A death certificate is required for legal purposes to arrange a burial or cremation, to provide evidence of the fact of death. Original copies of the death certificate are needed for bank account amendments, claims on pension or life insurance, transferring investment accounts, title changes, processing other estate documents or starting probate. Be sure to order a sufficient number of death certificates from the funeral home so that you have them on hand for future business matters and administrative purposes. It is common to request a dozen or more certified copies, depending on the complexity of the estate. Photocopies will not be accepted in most cases.
Death at Home and Expected
If the death of your loved one happens at home and he was under medical care, be sure to notify the doctor. If you don’t know the doctor’s name, it can often be found on prescription bottles or medical bills. The deceased’s attending physician can explain the condition of the deceased to the Medical Examiner. This will allow the Medical Examiner to give authorization to release the body, thereby expediting the process. If hospice is involved, notify the hospice organization on-call nurse. The hospice or home health care provider will notify the physician, the medical examiner’s office if necessary and the funeral home.
Sometimes the funeral home will notify the proper authorities and the police may not need to go to the residence. When you or they call 911, be sure to inform the operator that the death was expected. Responding emergency medical personnel may attempt resuscitation unless there is posted notice or bracelet with a “do not resuscitate” declaration. Any death occurring without a licensed physician or medical personnel in attendance must be reported to the police. The police and emergency personnel will examine the situation and determine the next appropriate steps.
Coroner/Medical Examiner
State laws vary regarding which cases required investigation by a coroner or medical examiner. In certain situations, the coroner is contacted.
Generally, the local coroner will investigate a death under the following circumstances:
• Unattended deaths — no licensed physician was in attendance at the time of death or for a period prior to death
• A physician is unable to state the cause of death
• Suspected homicide
• Suspected suicide
• Accidental death
• Suspicious or unusual circumstances are involved
• Death occurring during medical procedures
• Death due to food, chemicals or drug poisoning
• Death suspected to be due to occupational causes
• Death suspected to be due to known contagious diseases constituting a public health hazard
• Death by drowning, fire, etc
• Deaths occurring while in prison or in police custody
• Suspected sudden infant death syndrome
After the coroner’s examination, the body will either be transported to a funeral home of your choice or to the morgue for a post-mortem examination or autopsy, depending on the circumstances of death.
Unexpected or Unattended Death at Home or Work
If no one is present at the time of death or the death was unexpected, the first person present should call 911. The police and emergency personnel must be notified and respond to the residence or location before the deceased can be moved. These notifications are made to determine what caused the death and insure that there is no evidence of any wrongdoing.
If your loved one’s death occurred in an accident, in a manner that violent or suspicious, or in a situation in which law enforcement authorities must retrieve criminal evidence from the body, do not move the body or disturb the surroundings. Many of the state laws regarding investigation by a coroner or medical examiner apply under these circumstances. In many states, the body cannot be moved until an officer is present and the local medical examiner gives authorization to the funeral director to remove the body of the deceased. If you discover a body or the death is sudden or unexpected, you should contact the police first. When you suspect that a death was not due to natural causes or an accident, do not touch or remove anything from the scene. The police may call in the coroner or medical examiner to investigate the death before contacting a funeral home or taking the body to a morgue for a post-mortem examination. The authorities will also find and notify the nearest relative. The police or doctor may ask you for permission to carry out a post-mortem examination of the body, which can find out more about the death, but this should not delay a funeral.
If Death Occurs in Another State or Country
When someone dies abroad, the death may seem more distressing because of the complications of being away from home and dealing with strangers, but you can get help. If a spouse, close relative or friend dies while you are abroad, report the death to your country’s nearest Consulate. They will ask the hometown police to inform you or the next of kin. If you are not present and hear of the death from someone else, for example a tour operator, you should contact the American Embassy in that country. The web site for American Embassies abroad is www.usembassy.gov.
The consular staff will keep in touch with you, the family and the consulate abroad until burial or cremation overseas or until your deceased spouse has been brought back to his country of origin. They will also tell the foreign authorities of your wishes for the funeral and take details of who will be responsible for paying the costs involved, such as bringing his body back home.
If your husband dies while you are abroad with him, the Consul will support you by offering practical advice and help with funeral arrangements and other formalities such as inquests. If your spouse died while on a package holiday, the tour operator may be able to contact funeral directors and consular staff for you.
You will need to register the death in the placed where the person died according to local regulations and get a death certificate. The local police, consul or tour guide can advise you on how to do this. When registering the death, you should take information about yourself and the deceased including full name; date of birth; passport number; where and when the passport was issued; and details of the next of kin, if you are not their closest relative. You can also often register the death at the American Consulate as well, but this is not necessary.
Contact a funeral director in the state or country of death to work with the mortuary in the town where you want the deceased to be buried or cremated. The local funeral home can also assist with details of disposition and transportation of the body. Airlines have regulations regarding body transport. Airline representatives or funeral home directors can help you with these rules and logistics.
If there is a pre-paid funeral plan, check the policy for travel protection benefits. Some airlines have bereavement or compassion rates for relatives traveling to make arrangements, attending a funeral or accompanying a body home. When you purchase your ticket be prepared to provide documents regarding your relationship, hospital or funeral home contacts, a copy of the death certificate and other relevant details.
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* Funeral Rituals in Other Religions and Cultures
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Chapter Four
Whether the death occurs in a hospital, at home or far away, the loss is traumatic. While in the midst of shock and grief, you have to make decisions and arrangements for final services. After the first few hours and once the body is moved, you need notify family and friends and to begin planning the funeral or memorial service in accordance with the wishes of the deceased and dictates of your religion and society. The following sections contain outlines and checklists to help you get through the hours, days and weeks immediately following the death of your loved one.