Break the News to Me Gently
Humorous Headlines from Obama’s First Year in Office
Tim Patrick
Smashwords Edition
Copyright (c) 2010 by Tim Patrick.
Cover image copyright (c) 2006 by Sam LeVan.
Discover more of Tim Patrick’s writings at www.timaki.com.
Read Tim Patrick’s latest humor articles at www.humorality.com.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Week of January 1
Democrats wake up screaming as they realize that Bush is still president in 2009.
Bush raises terrorist threat level on news that Bin Laden entered 2009 nearly a whole day before the US.
Drivers rush to send messages before new no-texting laws take effect.
Mount Everest plane crash blamed on the mountain being really, really tall.
USC defeats Penn State in Rose Bowl, gets to keep Pittsburg on mantle for one year.
Hamas leader dies in mysterious garbanzo bean accident. Oh wait, that’s Hummus.
One Michigan twin born in 2008, one in 2009, mother exhausted after over 8,000 hours in labor.
Congress may block replacement for Barack Obama’s Senate seat, ponders end tables instead.
114-year-old Los Angeles woman becomes world’s oldest after winning gang fight against 115-year-old rival.
Obama family moves into Washington, DC hotel, orders extra “Obama Slept Here” signs.
Week of January 5
Minnesota’s Senate race still undecided, candidates agree to flip Michigan for it.
Ninety percent of Americans look fondly on 2008, keep writing it on their checks.
Obama promises to make tough spending choices. Just kidding.
Some voting districts consider all-mail elections after difficulties with all-femail systems.
Obama appears on Spider-man comic book cover, brings hope to those bitten by radioactive arachnids.
Founder of Marie Callender’s restaurants dies at 81 in bizarre Razzleberry pie accident.
Obama selects his cabinet, opts for oak instead of maple.
Somali pirate boat capsizes, sinks after raiding anvil transport.
Obama meets with four other living US presidents, has hair set on fire in traditional initiation rite.
New book claims that JFK shot Oswald and Ruby with help from CIA.
Week of January 12
Bush admits administration mistakes, will correct them during third term.
Obama meets with Mexican president Calderón, swaps enchilada recipes.
Hillary Clinton’s confirmation hearing hinges on what the meaning of the word “was” was.
Obama’s Treasury nominee didn’t pay all his taxes, struggles with “all those big numbers.”
Abalone placed on Endangered Species list, quickly removed due to lack of cute specimens.
Barack Obama, Joe Biden visit Supreme Court, try on latest black robe fashions.
Poles suddenly flip on nation’s magnet schools.
Obama prepares order to close Guantanamo Bay prison, open new resort complex.
Plane lands safely in Hudson River, NY mayor credits recently installed river runway.
Bush addresses nation on TV, recalls accomplishments, sings “Happy Trails.”
Week of January 19
Little Debbie issues snack food recall, products contain too many Big Debbies.
Obama becomes first black president to do pretty much anything.
Chief Justice Roberts stumbles through Oath of Office, substitutes “solemnly swear” with “pinkie swear.”
Joe Biden also sworn in, Congress promises full investigation.
Obama visits many inaugural balls Tuesday night, wants everyone to leave him alone Wednesday morning so he can get some sleep.
Bush returns to Texas, fights beside Davy Crockett at the Alamo.
Obama make sweeping administration changes, buys an extra broom.
Senate confirms Clinton as Secretary of State before Hillary has a chance to stop them.
Roe v. Wade decision commemorated with annual child sacrifice.
Miss Indiana wins Miss America pageant, will fill disputed Minnesota Senate seat.
Week of January 26
California woman gives birth to eight babies, qualifies for national team.
Iceland’s government collapses, regrets use of ice instead of stone in buildings.
McDonald’s Corporation profits rise after apprehension and conviction of Hamburglar.
Obama to go to Canada next month, already tired of the White House.
ACLU uncovers secret Bush documents, disappointed to only find teeth whitening formulas.
Obama calls Wall Street bonuses “shameful,” “hard to tax.”
Republicans elect first black chairman, end reign of terror against minorities.
Obama’s new bailout plan to include dumping $20 bills out of skyscraper windows.
Iraqi elections mostly peaceful thanks to new tranquilizer-tipped hanging chads.
Carter releases new Middle East book, offers sage advice on growing peanuts in desert climates.
Week of February 2
Denny’s gives away two million Grand Slam breakfasts, Joe Biden says he’s really full.
Groundhog Day passes peacefully despite threats from terrorist Guinea Pig warlords.
Obama hears shouts of “Teleprompters are People, Too” as speech-assist devices protest in front of White House.
Sales down at grocery stores as Americans grow sick and tired of food.
France gives J. K. Rowling its Legion of Honor award, surrenders to Voldemort.
Disneyland to reopen It’s a Small Globally Warmed Overpopulated World .
Digital TV transition delayed until June 12 so Congress can finish Ugly Betty season.
Sumo wrestlers embroiled in marijuana scandal, still reeling from last year’s overeating scandal.
Obama looks to outdo Bush’s faith-based initiatives office with new pagan-based programs.
Obama struggles to get cabinet nominees confirmed, but which bachelor will receive the final rose?
Week of February 9
Sunday night’s Grammys TV event disappoints, critics like the music, find no plot.
Obama tells Congress to stop playing political games with stimulus, still sore about losing Park Place.
Alex Rodriguez admits to using banned performance drugs, voodoo dolls of fans.
Stocks plunge nearly 400 points, hit head on bottom of pool.
Prime Minister vote in Israel too close to call, King Solomon will divide baby to decide race.
Muzak files for bankruptcy, elevators breathe a sigh of relief.
House to vote on stimulus package today right after quick refresher course in economics.
Another Friday the Thirteenth passes without any evidence of bad l...PRESS ANY KEY TO REBOOT.
President Obama struck by Cupid’s arrow, goes out on date with favorite teleprompter.
Republicans express outrage at stimulus spending, pound their fists on the floor, go to bed without any dinner.
Week of February 16
Presidents Day renamed to Black Presidents Day.
Obama rejects idea of “car czar,” prefers “self-propelled motorized vehicle czar.”
British, French nuclear subs collide, world explodes in giant mushroom cloud.
Obama signs stimulus package, earns Oscar nod for Best Actor.
Disney announces significant job cuts, Donald Duck signs contract with Warner Brothers.
Obama tells mayors to spend stimulus money wisely. No additional joke required.
George Bush moves into new Dallas home, becomes key suspect in J. R. Ewing shooting.
J. C. Penny profits fall as consumers finally look at the clothes they bought.
Movie stars celebrate Hollywood glitz in lavish Oscar ceremony, ask Congress for part of stimulus funds.
Hillary Clinton returns from China, fails to locate Carmen Sandiego.
Week of February 23
Slumdog Millionaire wins eight Oscars, including best stimulus package.
Dow Jones average drops to 1997 levels, raising fears of renewed Y2K bug.
Administration suggests Iraq exit in eighteen months, revises calendar to 300-day months
Fed Chairman Bernanke vows to save banks, fight for truth, justice, and the American way.
First Family to get new dog by April, just waiting for tax refund.
Obama asks Americans to consider new health care plan, give sickness a chance.
13,000-year-old tools found in Colorado family’s back yard, returned to neighbor.
Jonas Brothers movie released to theaters, sales of Left Behind books increase.
Ed McMahon hospitalized with bone cancer, becomes spokesman for Oncology Clearinghouse giveaway.
California Supreme Court to review gay marriage ban, movie star marriage ban.
Week of March 2
Lead levels in children decline as fewer kids are manufactured in China.
USPS readies pricier stamps, hires five-star chefs to make glue for new deluxe editions.
Saturn moon discovered hiding in outer ring, faces extradition hearing for return to Mars.
TV’s “Bachelor” Jason Mesnick dumps fiancée for sixty-inch cable-ready LCD, claiming, “What a beauty!”
100-foot asteroid nearly hits earth, was texting while hurtling through space.
California Supreme Court hears both sides on Proposition 8 debate, sues state for whiplash.
Senate delays vote on spending bill as lawmakers discover additional funds in taxpayer paychecks.
Michelle Obama serves lunch in a soup kitchen, comforts a downtrodden Joe Biden.
Much content on Internet is untrue, says web site of six-foot-two dashingly handsome researcher.
Robin Williams to require heart surgery after sense of humor starts to crowd out internal organs.
Week of March 9
Barbie’s fiftieth anniversary festivities marred by rumors of her recent facelift.
North Korea strengthens troops in advance of satellite launch, grand opening of its first Burger King.
Obama recommends longer school days, presidential terms.
Obama signs massive budget with billions in earmarks, nose rings.
Home Depot cuts jobs, customers wonder how that’s even possible.
Apple releases new bite-sized Shuffle.
Space station nearly hit by floating junk, NASA asks Reagan family to collect their Star Wars toys.
Senators debate over which homeowners to help, which ones to leave destitute.
Stock market has best week of the year, plans to vacation in Cancun again next year.
Obama still hasn’t picked a church, will interview prospective deities next week.
Week of March 16
Shuttle Discovery speeds toward Space Station, pulled over by Martian Highway Patrol.
PBS unveils new sexy teenage Dora the Explorer, claims “she going to do it anyway.”
Shuttle crew working hard, having fun at International Space Station.
Study says that obesity shortens life, lengthens belts.
Bernard Madoff’s accountant accused of fraud, gardener accused of killing grass.
Obama visits Jay Leno’s Tonight Show, stands in line three hours for tickets.
Astronauts install solar wings, get severe burns under their arms.
Voting machine maker settles lawsuit, agrees to increase Democrats by two percent.
Astronauts finish their Space Station work, try to find dates for Saturday night.
Michelle Obama starts an herb garden at White House, wins international horticulture award.
Week of March 23
Space Station shifts out of way of space junk, may move to a new neighborhood altogether.
David Letterman marries girlfriend of 23 years, finishes last year’s gallon of milk.
Administration wants increased control over non-bank businesses “or anyone with money.”
February auto sales sink to record lows, may reach Pontiac levels by April.
Employees at unemployment offices excited at brisk pace of work.
USPS wants to cut delivery service by one day, change ZIP codes to Reasonable Speed codes.
Former Microsoft exec Charles Simonyi blasts off into space, will install Internet Explorer at Space Station.
New report claims consumers are hurt by deregulation, lack of complete government domination over their lives.
US economy shrank by 6.3 percent in 2008 on the Jenny Craig weight loss plan.
Volcano erupts in Alaska, but if nobody is there to see it, does it make a sound?
Week of March 30
Netflix raises Blu-ray fees, ray increases may come to Red states by next year.
Hannah Montana sequel in doubt after Montanans discover its star is from Tennessee.
Obama meets with Queen Elizabeth, shares his favorite Prince Charles jokes.
Bill Cosby to receive Mark Twain award, lifetime supply of Jell-O Pudding.
Steve Wozniak kicked off of Dancing with the Stars. Unrelated story: ABC’s studio computers hacked.
Guiding Light soap opera to end in September, studio ponders Guiding Compact Florescent Bulb replacement.
Iowa approves gay marriage, calls hybrid corn “bad for America.”
Disney cuts 1,900 jobs, asks Chief Financial Officer Scrooge McDuck to step down.
NCAA Final Four tournament trimmed to Final Three due to financial setbacks.
North Korea launches communications satellite, links nation’s three dozen telephones.
Week of April 6
Republicans call for less federal spending, more Democrat beheadings.
Obama calls for global nuclear disarmament, suggestions on running a really big country.
Obama says US is not at war against Islam, “if by ‘Islam’ you mean France.”
Vermont legislature votes for gay marriage, jail time for anyone who calls it New Hampshire.
Iran accuses US reporter of spying, not adhering to accepted journalistic practices.
Citing Truth in Advertising laws, FDA changes “Good Friday” to “So So Friday.”
Angels’ pitcher Nick Adenhart killed in car crash, becomes real angel.
Obama asks Congress for $83 billion for wars, $26.93 for lunch with Vice President Biden.
Concerns over rising US debt prompt Congress to pass $2 billion emergency spending bill.
Easter morning surprise as giant stone in front of Oval Office is rolled away by angels.
Week of April 13
Obama selects “Bo,” a Portuguese water dog, as First Family’s pet, expects smooth Senate confirmation process.
Facebook reaches 200 million members, ratifies new constitution.
Music producer Phil Spector found guilty of murder, judge surprises jurors with gift CD under each seat.
Obama allows money transfers to Cuba after running out of uses for stimulus funds.
GM recalls 1.5 million vehicles, hopes to avoid bankruptcy by collecting change from under car seats.
Mel Gibson’s wife files for divorce, insists that husband can never take her freedom.
Americans rush to get their taxes turned in to AIG’s management by filing deadline.
Obama pays $855,323 in taxes, announces new “tax cuts for the rich” policy.
Google, citing economic realities, will only display first three pages of search results.
Obama promises to cut spending, hires new $948 million efficiency team.
Week of April 20
Obama visits CIA offices, impressed by “all the cool spying stuff.”
Tenth anniversary of Columbine shooting evokes strong memories, not much in the way of humor.
Obama admin recommends $100 million in cuts from $3.6 trillion budget. No additional joke required.
Earth Day activities down after Venus Day promises free beer.
Obama says Bush-era lawyers who approved torture can be prosecuted, tortured.
Starbucks to close 200 locations, or 0.000000001 percent of worldwide total.
Ice hockey tournament series continues amid lack of any interest.
FDA approves sale of morning-after pill to 17-year-olds, part of new “go ahead, have fun!” campaign.
Obama demands changes to credit card rates, hangs up after four fruitless hours on hold with customer service.
MIT eliminates two-cubed of its square-root-of-1,681 sports teams.
Week of April 27
GM to get $2 billion more in loans, considers investment in Amway products.
North Korea claims to have plutonium, secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Obama plays round of golf, asks teleprompter to hand him a nine iron.
First 100 days: Americans disappointed that Obama is not as interesting as Bush.
Senator Arlen Specter switches from GOP to Democrat Party, citing “hipper presidents.”
WHO raises pandemic alert level from “global concern” to “nuclear deterrent.”
Chrysler files for Chapter 11, considers entering the car business.
Swine flu cases in US reach 100, CDC recommends burning all homes and clothes as a precaution.
California population reaches 38 million, including up to one million legal US citizens.
Obama plans to use “empathy” as criteria for Supreme Court replacement of Deanna Troi.
Week of May 4
French spend more time eating, sleeping, speaking French than other countries.
Iraq wants US military out of its cities, out of its life, starts throwing dishes.
CDC stops advising schools to close from swine flu, students continue to advise it.
One US Navy crewman gets swine flu, ship’s mission canceled, Iraq evacuated as a precaution.
Schwarzenegger suggests legalizing marijuana, then arming police with futuristic morphing uniforms to track down users.
Fed chairman Bernanke sees recovery after 37 states check in to rehab clinics.
Amazon.com announces new larger Kindle DX, claims it’s not compensating for anything.
Obama to cut $17 billion, or 0.05 percent, from $3.4 trillion budget, gives high-fives to financial advisors.
Consumer borrowing is down as banks stop lending money to idiots.
White house aid resigns after flying Air Force One around Statue of Liberty, buzzing NYC mayor’s office.
Week of May 11
Obama finds official birth certificate lodged in his laser printer’s output tray.
Baby name “Barack” moves up 10,126 places to #2,409 in popularity in 2008, “George” no longer tracked.
Polar bears will stay off of endangered list, promise to behave themselves from now on.
WHO calls H1N1 swine flu virus “promiscuous,” recommends “safe infection” methods.
Nancy Pelosi makes surprise visit to Baghdad, blames Republicans for desert conditions.
Chrysler to close 789 dealerships nationwide, one for each card sold last year.
Astronauts install new camera in Hubble telescope, test it by snapping pictures of cute co-eds.
Obama to restart Guantanamo tribunals, NFL Draft selection rounds.
Angels and Demons released in theaters, Heaven to investigate lax security at breached prison.
Regular flu starts to outpace swine flu, coach for H1N1 strain raises accusations of possible steroid use.
Week of May 18
Obama tells those in abortion debate to stop demonizing each other, especially those Pro-Life minions of Satan.
Hardliners declare war on softliners.
Astronaut removes stuck bolt on Hubble telescope, wife claims that she loosened it for him.
Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson wins Dancing with the Stars, Russian team cries foul.
Obama signs anti-foreclosure law, lauds plan to open internment camps for thousands of west coast foreclosures.
Federal deficit worse than first thought say experts, but it should get better any day now say experts.
FBI hit by computer virus, CIA agents seen snickering at local pub.
With budget tight, California considers cuts, starting with land parcels closest to Mexico.
New rules for schools that get federal funds, will have to initiate reforms, turn over kids to warden.
Storms in Florida delay shuttle landing, astronauts have to spend entire night in Chicago airport.
Week of May 25
Space shuttle Atlantis lands in California, tells family about plans to become a famous movie star.
North Korea performs nuclear test, turns out to be nuclear pregnant as expected.
Pentagon keeps Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell rules in place, Santa maintains Don’t Cry, Don’t Pout requirements.
North Korea threatens South Korea after a Kansas house lands on the Wicked Korea of the East.
Obama picks Sotomayor, Hispanic female, to replace Justice Souter, glad to be rid of another boring white male.
Consumer confidence leaps in May, doesn’t look, falls in lake.
Last Tonight Show for Jay Leno after parents insist that he go to bed earlier for school.
Music producer Phil Spector convicted of murder, gets nineteen years in prison, three Grammys.
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton appear together in Toronto, announce final steps in one-world government implementation.
Economy hits NASCAR, Indianapolis 500 reduced to Indianapolis 462.
Week of June 1
Last living Titanic passenger dies at 97, held on to wooden plank for as long as she could.
Passports now required for travel between US and Mexico, new rules provide exemption for illegal aliens.
Obama chooses Republican to lead US Army, asks all Republicans in Congress to serve on Iraqi front lines.
Nintendo to release Wii Fit Plus after customers of the original Wii Fit complain that they are still really fat.
Cuba to rejoin Organization of American States just as soon as it moves back to Western hemisphere.
Obama proposes a government-run health insurance company, government-run fast food chain.
David Carradine found dead in Thailand hotel, police discover small pebble in his hand.
IRS may require licenses for tax preparers, Billy clubs for auditors.
Sixty-fifth anniversary of D-Day arrives, parents wonder if the grades will ever improve.
Obama to focus on budget cuts. No additional joke required.
Week of June 8
Apple releases new iPhone 3GS with compass, video camera, can opener.
Sotomayor fractures ankle at airport, withdraws her name from upcoming Supreme Court salsa dance contest.
Justice Ginsburg delays sale of Chrysler to Fiat citing “ongoing problems with my radiator.”
Screen Actors Guild approves contract, new tenure provisions make it harder to remove unqualified actors from movies.
Donald Trump inadvertently fires Miss California, claims he just loves saying, “You’re fired.”
Swine flu officially named a pandemic, given its own star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.
Iran’s presidential election results in two winners, Al Gore demands recount.
WHO recommends vigilance against swine flu, knows it sounds stupid.
Poll finds Americans fear rising health care costs, rising before 6:00am.
Senators describe debate over proposed $1 trillion health care legislation as “a blast.”
Week of June 15
In NBA finals, LA Lakers defeat Orlando Magic, reveal all of its levitation and sawing-lady-in-half secrets.
Sotomayor defends membership in all-women club, claims some members are ugly enough to be men.
Nevada Senator John Ensign admits to extramarital affair, was sure that it stayed in Vegas.
Obama calls for more regulation to fix economy, Malia and Sasha’s math scores.
Ten banks repay $68 billion in bailout money “just for the fun of it.”
Nestle recalls raw cookie dough, Mom says she told you so.
Scientists record longest day of the year so far, projections predict 92-hour days by 2050.
Steve Jobs announces that he received a liver transplant, demonstrates sleek new internal organ design.
Irvine, California named nation’s safest city, council members celebrate with annual gun battle.
Cash for Clunkers program authorized by Congress, auto dealers overwhelmed with discarded politicians.
Week of June 22
TV’s Jon and Kate Gosselin to divorce, promise exciting season.
Michelle Obama launches volunteer push called “United We Serve, Or Else.”
Ed McMahon, TV host, dies without revealing location of Publisher’s Clearinghouse $10 million stash.
US elderly population to triple by 2050, Army Corps of Engineers considers ways to strengthen Florida.
Obama admits to occasional smoking, conservative thoughts.
South Carolina governor returns home after missing for five days, North Carolina’s ruling dictator claims responsibility.
New Nixon tapes released, reveal truth about Bush-Gore race in Florida.
Farrah Fawcett dies at 62, never learned identity of Charlie.
Michael Jackson found dead at his home, police find only a single glove at the scene.
Gloomy people demand recognition, equal time with gay rights agenda.
Week of June 28
Michael Jackson’s will gives guardianship of his children to his mother, Billie Jean vows to fight for custody.
Ponzi scheme leader to get 300 years, promises 500 years or more to next tier.
Judge blocks “Catcher in the Rye” sequel for its lack of controversial and bannable material.
Terrorists worry about future as Al-Qaeda cuts back on health care coverage.
Joe Biden arrives in Iraq for July Fourth holiday, glad to be rid of those pesky Americans.
Rick Warren to speak to Muslims, introduce Forty Days of Jihad.
Dow down 223 points, credits recent switch to Weight Watchers.
Sarah Palin announces departure from governor’s office, still wonders why McCain didn’t take her to Washington.
Sedatives used for surgery found in Michael Jackson’s home despite his having never finished medical school.
North Korea launches seven missiles into ocean, Atlantis surrenders.
Week of July 6
Obama meets with leaders at Kremlin, tells them to ready Phase 2.
American Bar Association gives Sonia Sotomayor its “well qualified” and “cute chick” ratings.
Government computers hit by cyber-attack, military activates Minesweeper program.
Preparing to challenge Microsoft’s operating system, Google adds new Primary Colors Screen of Death to Chrome browser.
Michael Phelps fails to win every event at US nationals, sparking concerns that he may actually be human.
Obama arrives in Africa, picks up official copy of his birth certificate in Kenya.
Desperate househusbands decry unfair programming practices, demand their own show.
DNA tampering suspected after investigators link VP Joe Biden to gun that shot Abraham Lincoln.
Life expectancy in US rises dramatically, all part of Big Medicine’s evil plan.
National Rifle Association to promote universal access to bullet trains.
Week of July 13
Obama returns to US, tells Joe Biden to “get out of my chair.”
Government may scrap five-color terror alert system, move to Crayola 64-color alert system with sharpener.
Politically correct atheists accuse Christians of vision-impaired faith.
Unconfirmed document cites possible increase in alleged abuses, claims sources who asked not to be identified.
Only ten percent of legislators have read new law requiring legislators to read new laws.
Space shuttle blasts off, leaving behind seven pieces of foam, three astronauts.
Sotomayor answers questions for Judiciary Committee, turns out to be really boring.
Federal tax on legal pot would provide $1.4 billion, lots of wild IRS parties.
NASA restores Apollo 11 moon landing film after accidentally erasing fake studio footage.
Walter Cronkite dies at 92. That’s the way it is.
Week of July 20
Humorality.com goes live. Hilarity ensues!
Gidget, Chihuahua used as Taco Bell mascot, dies of stroke while awaiting deportation.
To Err is human; To Err’s pet is canine.
Health care bill will take nine years to implement, three years to read.
John Barry, founder of WP-40 brand, dies at 84 under mysterious frictionless circumstances.
Obama says health care fight is “not a game” after losing to an inside straight.
Earthquake moves New Zealand twelve inches closer to Australia, Aussies prepare for invasion.
Dow passes 9000, gets $383 speeding ticket.
Obama says officer arresting black professor Gates “acted stupidly,” Joe Biden says he wasn’t anywhere near the scene.
Microsoft profits down 29 percent for the year due to Excel calculation error.
National Mall in Washington DC falls into disrepair after Nordstrom store leaves.
Week of July 27
Shuttle leaves space station, had been sleeping on sofa for days.
Time Warner Cable profits up as residential blackmail program succeeds.
Obama, Professor Gates, Officer Crowley enjoy a beer, end evening toilet papering Joe Biden’s house.
Iran takes three Americans hostage, Jimmy Carter recommends sending in toy helicopter.
CIA probe finds former Vice President Dick Cheney still in undisclosed location.
Vegetarians develop broccoli flu vaccine.
Obama administration still has no exit strategy from North America.
Tired of all the earthquakes, entire population of Japan moves to North Dakota.
News stories of widespread devastation from calamities are decades overdue, say nervous experts.
US unemployment rate unknown as unemployment keeper tracker looses his job.
Week of August 3
White House rejects Middle Class tax hike, prefers Center Class hikes.
Bill Clinton visits with North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, shares dating secrets.
CBS promises more gay characters in its shows, nightly news stories.
Obama efforts to counter terrorism to include new line of “Hope” posters.
Seasonal flu may require three shots, internment camps.
State officials to cite nude beachgoers, volunteer to pursue offenders for unpaid overtime.
Sotomayor sworn in as first Latina justice, family crosses Rio Grande in time for ceremony.
To save money on printing costs, California reduces “Wednesday” to just “Way.”
Dollar falls again, sustains a broken leg.
Obama’s approval rating falls, proposes single-payer presidential voting.
Week of August 10
Humor Flashes first appear on @humority’s Twitter feed. Readers shoot coffee out their noses several times daily.
County examiners complete autopsy on Michael Jackson, find twelve previously unrecorded songs.
Obama sustains elbow injury while pitching health care plan.
Perseid meteor shower visible Tuesday night worldwide; Perseid meteor public bath visible from Japan.
Back-to-school sales in peril as front-to-school advocates demand equal time.
New San Francisco law to require eco-friendly bags under your eyes.
Hillary is still Secretary of State insists Secretary of State Bill Clinton.
Obama updates health care plan to replace “death panels” with “life without possibility for parole panels.”
Chevy delays 230mpg Volt automobile after balsa wood frame fails crash test.
Drunk driving arrests on the rise as wine flu epidemic spreads.
Fans await final health care blockbuster Harry Obama and the Deathly Panels.
Week of August 17
Paramount working on G. I. Joe the Plumber sequel.
Cheney memoir shock claim: George W. Bush was president during Bush administration.
IBM’s new DNA-based chips no threat to humans says spokesrobot 934MK2.
New Jersey man steals 130 million credit cards, receives credit counseling services on 85 million before arrest.
AARP membership “not only for the elderly” says Chief Executive Geezer.
Rubik’s introduces unsolvable Obama Health Care Plan cube with over 1,000 sides.
Hurricane Bill gains strength, negotiates release of North Korean prisoners.
Blu-ray technology attacked in broad daylight by gang of primary colors.
Michael Jackson burial postponed as funeral home rushes to rebuild Thriller set.
Air Force One scrapped in latest Cash-For-Clunkers fiasco.
Week of August 24
Afghanistan says “Yes We Ghan,” elects Barack Obama as new president.
Routine check of Guantanamo Bay prisoners by Red Cross turns up Vice President Joe Biden.
Greece fires finally extinguished when giant pan lid is placed over the entire country.
Boeing 747-400 lands safely at LAX; 419 passengers and 18 crew believed to be safe.
Senate rules require that Senator Kennedy submit certificate of death before being allowed to vote on legislation.
Apple announces jPhone after using last available i-prefixed word.
Expert claims that brain tumor did not act alone; a second CIA-sponsored tumor may have killed Senator Kennedy.
Hacker who stole 130 million credit cards fined $1.65 million, will pay with American Express.
Pacific Ocean rises three inches as diving Californians flee wildfires.
NASA shuttle Discovery returns to International Space Station to find that local teens have TP’d the solar panels.
Week of August 31
Ebay to sell Skype; bidding starts at $0.99.
GMail outage leaves users without spam for hours.
Obama’s speech to schoolchildren will not be propaganda, says administration’s Minister of Truth.
Thieves who took fourteen iPhones from a New Jersey Apple Store must steal only iPhones for next two years, says AT&T.
Internet addiction center to open in Seattle; registrations accepted online only.
McAfee to offer swine flu virus protection for $39.95 annual fee.
Gold bullion approaches $1,000 per ounce; chicken bouillon steady at $3.98 a jar.
Recently opened White House visitor logs prove that VP Joe Biden visited at least three times since the election.
A bird in the hand now worth 1.8 in the bush as economy sours.
Budget cuts hit NASA, two space station scientists forced to walk home.
Week of September 7
Obama tells schoolchildren that school is a lot like a job; announces expulsion of 9.7% of students.
Students praise Obama’s speech for using one hour of school time that would otherwise be spent in study.
IRS sees revenue fall, plans new products, clearance sales.
US auto industry missteps again as government moves to take over Disneyland Autopia.
Impressed by iPod Nano changes, Obama adds video camera and YouTube support to health care proposal.
Steve Jobs takes stage at Apple event, shows off new iPod, new liver.
Obama health care plan at risk as public learns that everyone on Medicare gets old and dies.
Frank Batten, creator of the Weather Channel, died today at 82, or 28 Celsius.
Delta spokesman says talks with Japan Air slow due to “all those funny Chinese-looking characters on the documents.”
Tea Party protests in Washington get ugly as milk and lemon factions turn on each other.
Week of September 14
Drunk Kanye West grabs mic from winner Taylor Swift at MTV Awards show, says Al Gore should have won instead.
Patrick Swayze dies of cancer at age 57, agrees to start filming Ghost 2 this November.
Talk show host Jay Leno, kidnapped three months ago, found barely alive at 10:00pm time slot.
Zune HD pricing, 16GB for $219, 32GB for $289, 1,048,576GB for $6 million, may still be too steep for consumers.
TV shows come to cell phones; CBS’s 60 Minutes to be included in monthly minutes rollover plans.
Senate to allow handguns on Amtrak trains, bringing back the fun of train riding.
Jews prepare for Rosh Hashanah, Gentiles prepare to pretend they actually know what it is.
San Francisco airport starts selling carbon offsets, but only at the really good shops past the security check.
Bank robberies up slightly ahead of Federal Reserve meeting.
Barack Obama wins Emmy for Best New President despite poor ratings.
Week of September 21
US Treasury Department revealed to be world’s largest Ponzi scheme, Secretary Geithner still at large.
Researchers find link between obesity and people stuffing themselves with lots of food.
Confusion reigns in southeast US as flood victims grapple with how to blame Bush instead of Obama.
Rumors of Sasquatch flood Internet as researchers find large carbon footprint at UN Climate Summit.
New FCC Net Neutrality rules ensure that all wireless carriers provide equal access to spam.
At UN, Obama tells world leaders about teeth whitening secrets that dentists don’t want you to know about.
Thirty-year mortgages hold steady at 360 months.
Bush’s handling of Katrina disaster worse than first thought as scientists find water on the moon.
American system of checks and balances to be replaced with taxpayer-backed credit card accounts.
G-20 protesters return home after a successful week of having no impact whatsoever.
Week of September 28
China celebrates sixtieth anniversary of communist rule, enacts One Cake Slice Per Family policy.
Sarah Palin completes memoir, each copy sold to include complementary moose steaks.
Gap, Old Navy stores’ founder dies at 81, to be buried in outfits priced too low to believe.
Obama to join US delegation at 2016 Olympic decision meeting, will show off his awesome pole vaulting skills.
Obama announces $5 billion in medical research grants, calls the new funding “not a bribe at all.”
Comcast to buy NBC, assures customers that bad programming will have no impact on bad service.
Man arrested for blackmailing David Letterman, threatened to expose new 10:00pm, 5-nights-per-week time slot.
Archaeologists discover oldest human ancestor working as a Wal-Mart greeter.
Iran wins 2016 Olympic bid, committee says threat to “nuke Copenhagen” had nothing to do with its decision.
Joe Biden frustrated by unemployment numbers, wonders if he will ever get a job.
Week of October 5
Supreme Court opens on first Monday in October after successful Latina-themed potluck.
Post Office to change its name to “United States Netflix Delivery Service.”
Stocks open higher or lower on fears or confidence of stability or chaos in the market or public sector.
Conde Nast closes Gourmet magazine, continues to publish Hamburger Helper magazine.
Backstreet Boys’ Brian Littrell contracts swine flu, doctors fear another Boy Band pandemic.
Scientists discredited as newly discovered ring around Saturn turns out to be unemployment line.
White House student astronomy night ruined as federal debt ceiling obscures view of stars.
Nobel Peace prize revoked from Obama after his shouts of “Take that, Jimmy Carter!”
NASA promises to replace moon after today’s lunar impact mishap.
American auto makers continue to struggle as Iraqi terrorists look to foreign models for car bombs.
Week of October 12
Sidekick cell phone data wipe-out extends to MySpace, impacts no one.
Global warming advocates unmoved by news of earliest snow ever on the sun.
More Congress members join Twitter, vow to limit new laws to 140,000,000 characters.
Increase in militant attacks in Pakistan have Americans scrambling for their atlases.
World Food Day focuses on world starvation, ignores great deals on Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.
Michael Jackson’s kids to appear in TV show, looking forward to having their lives royally messed up by public spotlight.
Empty weather balloon lands in Colorado, Joe Biden found safe, hiding in White House attic.
Lindsay Lohan misses mandatory DUI class, ordered by judge to make two more mediocre films.
Oil rises to $78 per barrel on fears that oil may rise to $80 per barrel.
16-year-old Australian’s round-the-world solo yacht trip cut short when parents ground her.
Week of October 19
Senate to eliminate bank overdraft charges after bouncing a check for $6,453,392.97.
Donny Osmond on Dancing with the Stars introduces new Mormon-church-approved sexy dances.
Iran agrees to share nuclear fuel with Israel, will deliver product via missile.
New AIDS vaccine deemed not fully effective, named changed to Lemon-AIDS.
Earth enjoys annual Orionid meteor shower, runs out of hot water.
Jobless claims among Washington, DC bureaucrats at historic lows.
Windows 7 launch day shocker: body of Windows Vista found dead in Seattle-area river.
Jobless claims rise more than expected, prompting administration officials to respond, “We expected this.”
Twenty percent of kids had flu in October, on the same day their science fair projects were due.
Nancy Pelosi adds water-boarding to proposed health care coverage in attempt to woo Republican votes.
Week of October 26
U2 concert viewership on YouTube limited as many inadvertently watch You2 concert on UTube.
Twenty percent of US kids have Vitamin D deficiency, doctors recommend more video games with sunshine scenes.
Obama calls for “smart grid” power systems after current grid falls behind Japanese in math and science scores.
Northwest Airlines to offer 300 extra frequent flyer miles on all Minneapolis-bound routes.
Consumers see lower oil prices as Wesson, Mazola offer double coupons.
Counties nationwide begin offering free swine flu vaccines, free ham with every injection.
Hew House health care plan released today, autographed Nancy Pelosi edition available in stores for just $499.99.
New jobless claims fall as most states run out of previously employed people.
Internet turns forty years old, complains of muscle aches when getting up each day.
Nintendo Wii console sales down as kids finally realize that Wii Fit is really just exercise in disguise.
Week of November 2
With a weakened Al Qaeda no longer able to support them, many would-be suicide bombers contemplate suicide.
News magazines declare Joe Biden important, essential, would make a great Vice President some day.
Los Angeles ends deal with Italian train manufacturer, claims passengers always hungry an hour after boarding.
USS New York arrives in New York, sparks space-time continuum paradox that wipes out New Jersey.
Karzai vows to wipe out Afghan corruption through innovative public-private bribery partnership.
Italian court demands removal of crucifixes from classrooms, teachers scramble for detention options.
Sesame Street fortieth anniversary party ruined by a drunken Big Bird still carrying on about Mr. Hooper.
Concerns over H1N1 virus spreading to other animals prompts government to hire men who stare at goats.
Kellogg’s to remove immune system health claims, free defibrillators from boxes of Rice Krispies.
Copenhagen climate talks in doubt after several committee members are injured in global warming snowball fight.
Week of November 9
Fall of Berlin Wall ceremony in disarray after sudden Berlin Ceiling collapse.
Britney Spears accused of lip-syncing during tour, copies of Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” found backstage.
Increasing focus on 2012 apocalyptic scenarios angers cults that predict 2013 disasters.
Government to study school lunches after students complain of seeing actual food.
North and South Korean navy skirmish devolves into violent kimchi eating contest.
AMA recommends clinical trials of marijuana, board members volunteer themselves “to advance science, dude.”
President Obama’s visit to Tokyo complicated by Japanese-only teleprompters.
YouTube to support 1080p hi-res videos of your boring home movies.
Ohio reformulates its lethal injection mixture, offers choice of flavored syrups.
NASA to free Martian rover from sand trap, take a double bogey on fourth hole.
Week of November 16
2012 movie released over the weekend, three full years ahead of schedule.
Administration to cut down on government waste says White House spokesman at press conference’s lobster buffet.
Conjoined twins successfully separated, will seek amicable divorce.
California runs out of money again, asks Nevada to borrow a few bucks until next Tuesday.
Post Office stops forwarding Santa letters to North Pole, Alaska, resumes dog-kicking program.
Windows 7 jumping off retail shelves twice as fast in Vista in apparent OS-acide attempt.
California lawmakers in shock as state economy turns out to be massive multi-player video game.
Procter & Gamble recalls Vicks products because IT’S BURNING A HOLE IN MY CHEST, MOM!
Stimulus-jobs claim in doubt after 50,000 unemployed Americans found hiding in a White House closet.
Belgian prime minister selected as EU president after promising lifetime supply of chocolate to one lucky child.
Week of November 23
Fort Hood shooter paralyzed from waist down, will spend eternity with 72 chiropractors.
Man in coma for 23 years was actually conscious, had to endure Oprah on hospital room TV the entire time.
150th anniversary of Darwin’s Origin of Species overshadows celebrations of his two dozen romance novels.
Researchers find writing on Shroud of Turin: “If found, return to Jesus of Nazareth.”
Concerned about church-state entanglement, ACLU asks Americans to celebrate “Grumblegiving” instead.
Shuttle Atlantis leaves the International Space Station, drives off in a huff.
Global warming in doubt as millions of turkeys fail to thaw in time for Thanksgiving.
State dinner scandal expands as investigators learn that a tuna casserole also got in to White House.
Tiger Woods involved in car accident, drops to fifth place in PGA driving range finals.
IRS files lien against Schwarzenegger for $79,000 in “I’ll Be” back taxes.
Week of November 30
Global warming scandal expands as investigators find falsified data for round-earth theory.
Study finds loneliness is contagious, but with no friends the risk goes to zero.
World AIDS Day arrives to much fanfare, World Cancer Day ponders the injustices of life.
Many women claim to have had affairs with Tiger Woods, display low golf scores as proof.
White House party crashers to testify at House Committee today, leave in time to crash Russian Embassy soiree.
Large Hadron Collider loses power temporarily, scientists blame large black hole near power station.
Intel demonstrates new 48-core CPU, bleak robotic future.
Three Secret Service agents punished for party crashers, can only takes BBs for the president.
Baby born on flight to Salt Lake City, arrested for boarding plane without TSA security check.
Asian carp invades Great Lakes, raises local school test scores.
Week of December 7
Riots continue in Athens, ruins found all over the city.
Obesity tied to DNA in some kids, pediatricians advocate less consumption of DNA.
Iowa hits economic rock bottom, switches to a mostly agrarian business model.
Experts share global warming data at climate summit’s open-mic comedy night.
Disney insists new movie with black princess character is not racist, monarchist.
President Obama to pick up Nobel Peace Prize, gallon of milk while he’s out.
Barbara Walters left off of annual Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People list yet again.
Russian test missile spirals out of control over Norway after case of vodka goes missing.
Average American consumes 34 gigabytes of data each day, much of it high in saturated fats.
Police call disappearance of Utah mom “suspicious,” unlike all other mom disappearances.
Week of December 14
North Korean weapons seized in transit, banned nuclear bows-and-arrows among the cache.
Wendy’s to close all stores in Japan after sales of raw-tuna chili falter.
Toyota to sell plug-in hybrid car, 12-mile-long extension cord.
Ben Bernanke named Time magazine’s Fed Chairman of the Year.
Scientists decode cancer genome, will start on Sagittarius genome next week.
Red Cross seeks to increase blood donations, teams with Twilight author on new campaign.
American life expectancy rises despite changes to the Fall TV lineup.
Scientists get first view of dark matter, looks like chicken.
Greece struggles with massive debt, may try to sell rights to “It’s all Greek to me” motto.
Drug-resistant strain of health care proposal released in Senate laboratory accident.
Week of December 21
Smart phones pass IQ tests, gain acceptance into Mensa.
In many communities, public Nativity scenes replaced with public health care bill compromise scenes.
Eurostar train resumes service after last reindeer carcass removed from undersea tracks.
Teen birth rate increases again as more mothers opt to keep babies in womb for a dozen years or more.
Salvation Army seeks increased funding, cites high costs of running salvation warships and aircraft carriers.
Santa Claus wakes up suddenly, had terrible dreams about being late for school.
Passenger tackles would-be airline bomber, forces him to sit in coach.
Whole Foods CEO steps down, takes blame for presence of half-food items in grocery stores.
First day of Kwanzaa begins with traditional encyclopedia look-up of what it even means.
Sales of big-screen TVs up for Christmas season, sales of frankincense, myrrh way down.
Week of December 28
Explosives found on Detroit plane suspect quite common, available at airport gift shops.
Swine flu abates nationwide, Congress to pass massive spending bill to support out-of-work viruses.
Tiger Woods spent evenings at Palm Beach nightclubs partying with baseball bats, says angry ex-nine-iron.
California trans fat ban begins on January 1, consumers rush to coat arteries before deadline.
White House revises rules for classified documents, changes “Top Secret” to “Copies Ten Cents Each.”
Obama says the system worked in stopping Detroit terrorist, will place random citizen-hero passengers on every plane.
Russia plans to deflect path of Earth-bound asteroid, readies vodka, 204,352-gallon shot glass.
Rush Limbaugh taken to hospital after sustaining injury to right wing.
Times Square given the all-clear after mystery van turns out to be harmless mobile illegal drug shop.
2009 files for bankruptcy, says it will close its doors after December 31.
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About Tim Patrick
Tim Patrick is a software developer and humor writer (same thing) living in Southern California.
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