AMAZING GRIEF
A
Healing Guide for Parents of Young Addicts
by
Reverend Charles F. Harper, M. Div.
Smashwords Edition
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Published on Smashwords by:
Copyright 2011 by Rev. Charles F. Harper
Book design: carlos@moccadesign.com
Editing by Sylvia Somerville and Rebecca Anderson
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
For requests to use any part of this book, please contact: charlie@wholesoulrecovery.com.
Smashwords Edition License Notes
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Dedication
This book is dedicated to all the parents of addicts, especially my own, Paul and Eleanor Harper, who have known the grief of having a child with the disease of addiction, yet have managed to love me until I could learn to love myself.
It is dedicated to my children Cate, Molly, Jaylani, Nic, Tristan, Madalynn and Gabriella; my wonderful nieces and nephews; and all the children of the world who are threatened by the epidemic of addiction. May they know the wonders of the God of their understanding and never be held back by the shackles of addiction.
It is dedicated to my brothers and sisters, Sam Harper, Lindsay DuPont, Jessica Harper, William Harper and Diana Harper, whose creativity has been a never-ending source of inspiration to me.
Last but not least, I dedicate this book to Karen Pritzker, who in spite of incredible demands on her time and energy, always was there for me as a critic and a friend, and without whom this book simply would not have been possible.
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Contents
Part 1: The Stages of Grief and Their Antidotes
Chapter 1: A Still Small
Voice: Dan’s First Use
Chapter
2: Shock & Refection
Chapter
3: Anger & Forbearance
Chapter
4: Denial & Honesty
Chapter
5: Depression & Hope
Chapter
6: Self-Pity & Enlightened Self-Interest
Chapter
7: Action & Faith
Chapter
8: Guilt and Blame & Forgiveness
Chapter
9: Loneliness & Detachment
Chapter
10: Selective Memories & Revisions
Chapter
11: Financial Martyrdom & Financial Sacrifice
Chapter
12: Resistance & Acceptance
Part 2: Making Room for Your Spiritual Growth
I. Who Are You? Keeping Your
Integrity in a Strange Land
II.
Your “House of Being”
III.
In Practice, How Does the House of Being Look?
IV.
Starting a New Relationship with Your Child in Recovery
V.
Why Is It So Hard for Teenagers to Stay Sober?
Dan’s Story
About
the Author
About
the Whole Soul Recovery Community
Special
Gratitude
* * * * *
I decided to write this book because of repeated encouragement from parents of addicted teens with whom I have worked. The following dialog is typical of the conversations I have had.
Dear Charlie,
I want to thank you for working with Dan, Maddy and me. For the moment, “It’s all good.” ‘I know. I know,’ you’ll say. “Don’t settle for ‘good.’ It could be hiding the ‘best.’” Anyway, Dan’s enrolled at community college, and he has a part-time job. When he comes to visit, I find that we feel like a family again: laughter and love is all around us.
When we first came to you, you advised us that Dan’s disease was not his alone, and that when it comes to teenage addiction, the whole family needs to make a commitment to recovery—not just Dan’s recovery but also our own. You said, “Dan needs to develop coping skills to deal with life on life’s terms, and you, Mark and Maddy, need to develop coping skills to deal with the emotional roller coaster of living with someone in recovery.” I learned that this disease could be seen as an invitation for my own spiritual growth or as a burden to be endured until Dan was “cured.”
At that moment, I looked at you as if you were out of your mind, like you were some kind of New Age woo woo guru…. I believed that this addiction was Dan’s problem: a problem that was to be solved. As his father, protector and provider, my job, I thought, was simply to find and fund the best professionals, institutions and resources to get him back on track. Other than that, I was to go about my life as if nothing had changed.
I learned something. I learned that this was about me as much as it was about Dan. Today, I can honestly say that I’ve been a true beneficiary of Dan’s addiction. I have learned things about my-self. I’ve raised my consciousness about my own defects of character and attitude, and I have developed an awareness of my hidden gifts. In the process I feel as if I’m morphing into becoming a better person, a better father and a better husband. I thank you for encouraging me (us) to avoid being detached observers and becoming fellow travelers on Dan’s journey through recovery.
I only wish I had known what you had to teach me at the beginning of the journey instead of halfway into it. I believe had I known then what I know today, I’d have come to a place of acceptance or “serenity” (as you like to say) a lot sooner. Not to mention, I’d have saved myself a few grey hairs, a few shekels from my 401(k) and maybe even avoided Dan’s relapse.
I’d like to suggest that you share your experience and insight with a wider audience. I think parents at the beginning of this nightmare journey might avoid some of the sleepless nights, anxious days and missteps we had to endure before meeting you. What do you think?”
Sincerely,
Mark
A.
•
Dear Mark,
Thank you for your suggestion and encouragement.
I applaud Maddy’s and your courage. You’re one of the few: one of the few parents who are willing to take the bold step of accompanying your child into the strange land of addiction. By doing so, through faith, self-reflection and action, you’ve traveled to a place of greater understanding not only of Dan and his addiction but also of yourselves. I may have provided the road map, but you did all the driving. You can honestly say, “With the help of a Higher Power, we did this ourselves.”
I do know that if more parents chose your courageous path, their children would stand a much better chance of withstanding the serpentine ways of addiction. They themselves could walk with their recovering child without the all-too-common burdens of resentment, loneliness, exhaustion, anger, guilt and despair.
Thank you for sharing all that you have experienced with me. As with so many of my clients, I feel as if I have learned more from you than I could possibly have taught you. … In the meantime, may you continue to enjoy the triune pleasures of life: love, joie de vivre and faith in a power greater than yourself.
Very
truly yours,
Charlie
Reverend Charles F. Harper, M. Div.
P.S. I hope this book meets with your hopes and expectations.
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Introduction
Parents Matter Too!
Alone in our grief, we parents of teenage addicts are “strangers in a strange land” of emotional and spiritual tossing and turning that leaves us in the wallows of self-pity, guilt, fear, anger, resentment and shock…a place where serenity and the memories of laughter with our innocent child beneath a fat August sun with love all around us seems as “distant as a January snow hill.”
How many times have I heard parents in one way or another cry out in this strange land of addiction, “My God, my God, where are you?” How many times have I heard parents weave stories into nightmares about where their child is in the bewitching hours of broken curfews, or in the anguish of broken promises, or in the shatter of family gatherings where their addict’s mood swings from a chilly polar winter to a sunny summer disposition or from the gentle words of contrition to rage-filled “f**k yous.” Indeed, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me and my child? Where are you in my need?” become reasonable questions.
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When it comes to teenage addiction, given its death-dealing ways, even if you only suspect your child is experimenting, it is imperative that your child get help now.
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I would not wish the agony of witnessing a child’s addiction on my worst enemy, let alone the beloved parents, grandparents and primary caretakers I’ve had the privilege of serving. This book and its accompaniment of resources are written and designed to help parents through the valley of the shadows of adolescent addiction. However, before we get to the care of you, the parents, I feel compelled to briefly remind all parents who know, suspect or even “intuit” that their child is using drugs, to get their suffering child help.
By now you know and I know that teenage addiction is a reality that crushes all barriers. It rolls over racial lines, leaps social stratospheres, hops economic highs and lows, ignores ethnic origins, leans on genetic codes, and finds a home in all religious and spiritual platitudes. It’s among us, and it’s an epidemic among teenagers. If you’ve picked up this book, it’s probably shown its gargoyled face in your own home. Indeed, when it comes to teenage addiction, given its death-dealing ways, even if you only suspect your child is experimenting, it is imperative that your child get help now.
Why?
My experience parallels the findings of the National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Among high school students, the top four causes of death are motor-vehicle crashes, other unintentional injuries, homicide and suicide. In addition, it is estimated that 150 young people per week die as a direct result of drug and alcohol abuse. We can only guess at how many more have died as an indirect result of alcohol and drug abuse associated with high-risk behaviors that teenagers would have normally avoided.
To get started finding help for your child, you’re invited to visit www.wholesoulrecovery.com for recovery resources and links. You may also order Charles F. Harper’s book Breaking the Cycle: A Young Addicts Guide to Freedom! It is a spiritual guide for teenage addicts designed and written to be used by teenagers on their own or in concert with a therapist, parent or sponsor.
Back to you: Your well-being will impact the recovery of your child
I know how tempting it is for us parents to focus all of our attention and resources on the child with the disease of addiction. However, we do this at our own peril and the peril of our suffering child. When your child is suffering from addiction, the best place to start is not only by laying out the objectives, strategies and tactics for getting your child into recovery but also in the name of “enlightened self-interest” it is imperative for you to make plans for the care and nurture of yourself. Your well-being as well as the recovery prospects of your child depends on it.
Face it, if you’re NOT emotionally, spiritually and physically at your best, it will decrease the probability of your child’s recovery while increasing the probability of leaving you emotionally, spiritually and even financially bankrupt. Therefore, if you remember nothing else from this book, remember this: “You matter too!”
The number-one barrier to a parent’s well-being is the denial of their grief
As a former pastor, I’ve journeyed through the valley of death with more than 200 families. A dozen of those families were burying a child. In addition, as a spiritual director, mentor, peer counselor and pastor, I’ve journeyed with dozens of families who have struggled with their child’s addiction. I’ve found that whether a family is traveling through the valley of the shadow of death or the valley of the shadow of addiction, they share at least one thing in common: They grieve. They grieve deeply.
Now one of the peculiar things about grief is that we may not even know we’re suffering from it. Others close to us might notice, but when they try to tell us that we seem uncommonly depressed or unenthusiastic, we become angry and say something like, “. nothing’s wrong with me; just leave me alone.” Or “Time will heal.” Or “My boy is just going through a stage.” Or “Once he’s out of rehab, all will be light and love again. Just wait.”
While there is some wisdom to this, it’s also important to realize that grief left alone to fester does cause emotional, spiritual and even physical harm.
Typically, the grief we feel when a loved one dies manifests itself in a series of stages. In his book Your Particular Grief, Dr. Wayne Oates has itemized six stages of grief. They are:
1. Shock when you get the news,
2. Numbness and anger as you try to absorb the shock,
3. Mixed belief and disbelief that this can really be so,
4. Depression: you sob without control,
5. Selective memory: you get along quite well until a fresh reminder of your loss resurrects the whole issue, and
6. A commitment to start living again.
Not coincidentally, my experience with parents of addicts has shown me that their grief includes versions of each of Dr. Oates’ stages of grief plus five more! (See pages17 and 18 for the complete list.) In fact, the grief of a parent of an addict can be far more difficult to cope with than the grief of a parent whose child has died. Don’t misunderstand me; the grief of a parent whose child has died is a grief too deep for words. At least with an addict, as long as he or she is drawing breath, there’s hope for life. Having said that, make no mistake: You will grieve. And you know what? You have every right to grieve. How you cope with that grief will make all the difference in the world to you and your recovering child.
What does a parent of an addict grieve?
The grief of an addict’s parent is deep and wounding. As your child tries to get clean and sober and as you hear and experience the stories and tales of their* life in the drug culture, among other things, you will grieve the loss of your child’s innocence and the loss of your own innocence. You will grieve the loss of trust. You will grieve the loss of expectations and promises. You will even grieve the loss of the life you envisioned for yourself. And that’s just for starters.
•
* I have decided to use the plural pronoun “they” or “their” when referring to an addicted teen or your child in recovery to avoid the awkward construction of repeatedly using the phrase “he or she” or simply saying “he” or “she,” which would be sexist and exclusionary.
•
How is my grief different from the grief experienced when a loved one dies?
Anyone who has known someone who has lost a loved one knows how that loss and the grief that follows can turn someone’s world inside out and upside down. The grief that a parent of an addict experiences is complicated and perhaps even more disruptive to a family’s life than the death of a loved one for four basic reasons:
1. Psychologically, no matter how tragic the loss, the human spirit can adjust to certainty far more readily than it can adjust to uncertainty. Obviously, when someone dies, we as individuals and as a culture have a pattern of rites, rituals and actions we can do to take care of ourselves and the one who has passed away. Even the wider community knows what they can do to support us in our journey through the shadows.
However, when we have an addict under our wings and roof, there are no prescriptions and no how-to manuals for managing our grief. To make matters more confusing, in one moment, our addict may seem alive and well and living large, and in the next, they may seem like they’re possessed—tossing a tantrum of “f**k yous” and lamps at our struggling psyches and dodging heads. In other words, we don’t know how to cope with the addict’s shifting sands of highs and lows. We ourselves can become aggressive and angry in one moment and resigned and detached in the next. In the chaos, we can lose touch with the values, beliefs, world view, ethics and morals that have centered us for years.
2. An addict can literally bring down the emotional, physical and spiritual health of an entire household. Quite literally, when your child is addicted, your life is at stake. In my experience, I have seen parents lose their physical health. More frequently, I’ve watched as these normally stable emotional and spiritual beings become a chaos of confusion.
This confusion leaves a wreckage of broken marriages, lost jobs, disenchantment with a world once embraced, loss of lifelong friendships, financial bankruptcy and personality transformation from extrovert to introvert and/or optimist to pessimist. In one case, I’ve even witnessed a suicide that could be indirectly attributed to her child’s third relapse.
3. When someone dies, sympathy floods the inbox. Friends, neighbors, work associates and clergy give the family plenty of homemade casseroles to get through the suffering. The family’s grief may be private but their loss is recognized, and they’re given the space and support to do as they will with their grief. When we are grieving the loss of our child to a disease (which many still ignorantly regard as a moral lapse and lack of will power), we’re more likely to hear judgments than receive a Hallmark sympathy card.
4. We go into hiding. When someone dies, we may not share our deepest grief with others, but we usually don’t go into hiding. With the grief of addiction, our doubts about its cause, our suppositions about our role in the addiction, our embarrassment and our sense of failure as a parent make us feel we should keep tea and sympathy at arm’s length.
How Amazing Grief can help
Amazing Grief is written to help parents through the unique stages of grief associated with raising a teenage addict. In this way, parents can help their child through their recovery while maintaining their own sense of self and well-being.
11 STAGES OF GRIEF
1. Shock. That time or moment when for the first time you discover something about your child that shatters your perception of your child’s innocence. Perhaps it’s when you first find drugs or alcohol in your child’s room.
2. Anger as you try to process the shock. During this period, if your child is around, you might confront them with all the angry feelings of betrayal that rise into your gullet.
3. Denial. You are confused about what to believe and what not to believe. You negotiate with yourself and even with your child.
4. Depression/learned helplessness. Nothing you do seems to work. You’ve tried everything from taking away privileges and positive reinforcement to threats of dragging your child to a counselor.
5. Self-pity. You think, “Oh poor me. Why doesn’t anything work out?” Our culture does not respect or like self-pity. It demands those in this stage of grief to “get off the pity pot and take action.” I think that’s baloney.
6. Action and reaction. You take a dramatic action. You send your child to outpatient or inpatient rehab. Maybe you go to an educational consultant who, for a large fee, gives you a plan of action that costs more than all the equity you’ve built up in your lifetime. Maybe you throw your child out of the house as you have threatened to do many times before.
7. Guilt and blame. You begin to try and answer the ultimately unanswerable question, “Why did this happen to my child?”
8. Loneliness. You feel unique. You feel that you are the only parent in the world who has an addicted child or at least the only parent in your neighborhood. You isolate.
9. Selective memories. You think such thoughts as: “Our child is getting the help he needs. We get along quite well. It’s back to the ‘works and days of our hands.’” You may even enjoy the guilty pleasure of relative peace in the household. But then you see something that reminds you of your child, and you build a brave new world of self-defeating expectations.
10. Financial. This may sound weird: How can money be a stage of grief? Yet money is the elephant in the corner. You will wrestle with its loss.
11. Acceptance. Somehow miraculously you’ve begun to feel a healthy detachment about your child. You have actually been able to “let go and let God.”
Of course these stages of grief can vary from one person to the next. The length of time that a particular stage of grief lasts may also vary from individual to individual and circumstance to circumstance. There is also no set timetable for working through your particular grief. Grief is like a mighty river. It knows no bounds and can overflow and overwhelm us even when we think we’re on terra firma. In addition, you may progress from one stage to the next only to regress to a stage you thought you had worked through successfully.
By definition, addicts relapse. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be addicts. So it is probable that you may have to repeat some of the stages of grief. Having said that, I’ve found that once parents get to the stage of acceptance, they are better able to cope with their child’s relapses and other behavioral setbacks.
In the end, the most important aspect of the grieving process is to be conscious of your grief. In other words, it is important to recognize and acknowledge where you are so that you can engage your grief, process it, learn from it and apply what you learn with wisdom to your health and well-being and that of your child. By consciously engaging in these stages of grief, you will learn:
● You’re not alone
● How to cope creatively with the different stages of grief
● How to face with serenity the slings and arrows of misfortune, the winters of discontent and the nausea of meaninglessness
● A new language for coping with life’s other interruptions
● To give yourself permission to “give sorrow words”
● That when there is a problem, the solution can usually be found within you
● How to answer the question: “No matter what happens to my child, where and who do I want to be?”
● How to be intuitive and empathetic while setting firm boundaries
● The deepest meaning of what it means to love your child
● How to see/use the traumatic event(s) of your own life as a blessing and not a curse
● How to avoid compassion burnout when it comes to the care of your child
● How to interpret your feelings and how to honor them so that you don’t lose yourself in the emotional ups and downs of others
● Humility, that wonderful gift of the spirit that allows us to turn over to the universe that which we cannot control
● You have as much to learn from your addicted and recovering child as you have to teach them
● You do not need to control the outcome; and by letting go, you will be freed from the wrong-headed belief that your child is somehow a simple extension of you
● To have faith in your own inner moral and ethical compass
● That throwing money at the addiction rarely solves the problem
● To affirm the importance of your spiritual and emotional literacy
● How to balance the physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual parts of yourself
● To respect the depth of your pain and that you must take the time and effort to manage your stress because this kind of pain can be mortal
● To give yourself plenty of room to reflect, reconnoiter and process in all other aspects of your life.
I know from experience that if you enter this journey willing to embrace it with all that you bring to it—as a person with unique gifts and talents and an appreciation for the gifts and talents of your child—and if you have the faith to accept the things you cannot change and the humility to accept support from those who wish to share your journey, you will emerge from this strange land of addiction and discover a land of enchantment.
How does Amazing Grief help me learn these things?
In order to creatively engage the stages of grief, this book and its companion resources provide stories and practical suggestions.
In Part 1 of Amazing Grief, “The Stages of Grief and Their Antidotes,” I’ve taken 30 years of stories from parents and teens I’ve worked with and created a composite portrait of each part of the journey and presented it through the experience of both the adolescent and the parent. While the story itself may differ in detail from your own experience, each of the teenage and adult stories is based on actual case studies and have been written to illustrate universal themes of addiction and recovery as experienced by the parent.
In my stories I represent two outcomes as our fictional parents Maddy and Mark react to each stage of grief. The first outcome represents the parents’ raw reaction to a stage of grief. The second outcome reflects their reaction to the same stage of grief after Mark and Maddy have been infused with a particular virtue relevant to helping them creatively process their grief.
The second outcome is followed by a discussion on the particular stage of grief being presented and an offering of a “tool” to help you grow through that stage of grief. Each chapter also includes exercises, a meditation and a prayer to help you apply the tool to the stage of grief you are experiencing.
Combined, the stories, discussions, exercises, meditations and prayers are designed to help you engage your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual being in your process of coping with grief. It is my experience that to cope creatively with grief, we need to harness all of these inner resources, which together can take us to a place of hope, joy, forgiveness, compassion, responsibility and faith.
In Part 2 of Amazing Grief, “Making Room for Your Spiritual Growth,” you will begin by exploring who you are. That is a vision of what values you want to develop and maintain as you go through the experience of living with an addict or an addict in recovery. This part of Amazing Grief will help you define your value-mission statement.
Secondly you will learn about the rooms in “Your House of Being,” which include the spiritual, intellectual, emotional and physical parts of who you are. I will suggest ways in which you can enter these rooms on a daily basis to maintain your integrity as a person and a parent.
In Part 3 of Amazing Grief, “Epilogue,” we revisit Dan, the teenager in Part 1, as he comes to terms with his addiction.
•
HOW TO USE
AMAZING GRIEF
1. Set four outcome objectives. For example, “By the time I complete this book I will:
● Have an understanding of what my child is going through,
● Be able to identify the stage of grief I am in or can expect and how to respond to that stage,
● Identify a schedule of activities to maintain a sense of self, regardless of the circumstances, situation or behavior of my child, and
● Understand how my relationship with my child will look and feel.
2. Commit to exercises. While these exercises have been vetted for their effectiveness, there are some that may not suit your circumstance. So at the end of each chapter identify the exercises to which you will commit. You can write charlie@wholesouldiscovery.com or visit www.wholesoulrecovery.com with questions that may arise for you during these exercises. Honestly assess how many exercises you are willing to commit to completing on a weekly basis. Do not overcommit.
3. Make a commitment to attend Al-Anon or some other parent-of-addicts support group. See your local Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) chapter for meeting schedules. If your child is in rehab and there is a family program or if your child is seeing a counselor, do not hesitate to ask for information on aftercare and family-care support programs. All legitimate rehab programs include family support programs to different degrees. Take advantage of them.
4. Provide yourself with a “spiritual journal.” This can be a three-inch, three-ring binder with at least 12 dividers. Read Part 3 of Amazing Grief for suggestions on how to set up a journal or write charlie@wholesouldiscovery.com for suggestions or outlines. Visit www.wholesoulrecovery.com for suggested topics for dividing your binder or simply use the chapter headings from this book and the exercises you have chosen to complete.
In addition to the written material in this book, audio versions of the prayers and meditations provided within Amazing Grief are available at www.amazinggrief.com for downloading, or you can purchase a CD set. The website www.wholesoulrecovery.com includes samples of exercises completed by other parents, blogs where people have written about their own journeys and exercises they may have found useful, questions readers have raised that are addressed by addiction-recovery professionals, and vetted links to websites that have detailed information on everything from the symptoms of addiction and recovery programs to descriptions of drugs that are frequently abused.
Each of these mediums is designed to help you create a home environment that will help keep you emotionally and spiritually healthy while transforming this perilous and sometimes hideous journey into a learning and growth experience.
Ultimately, it is my prayer and hope that one fine day you’ll look back on this experience with gratitude for the amazing grief that revealed to you and your loved one God’s amazing grace.
Very
truly yours,
Charlie
Reverend Charles F. Harper, M.Div.
Author and recovering alcoholic
* * * * *
PART I:
THE STAGES OF GRIEF AND THEIR ANTIDOTES
* * * * *
The first time we give our child permission to go out with their friends to “hang out” on their own with a few dollars in their pocket in the big wide world of community and all of its possibilities; we do so with a conscious sigh of letting go. We pray and hope that all the life lessons we’ve taught them will somehow be vocalized through their (inner) still small voice. We hope that they will be honorable and treat others as they would like to be treated, and that they will not lie, steal and cheat. We also pray that they will grunt an emphatic and audible “No!” when their still small voice whispers, “Don’t do it!”
In this chapter I will give you an inside look at a day in the life of a teenager who is confronted with the choice of experimenting with drugs or alcohol for the first time. This composite story is designed to help give you an empathic view of your child’s first use and why a teenager makes the choice to use in the first place. I then explore three possible outcomes from this first use and why your child may or may not eventually become an addict.
In Part 2 of Amazing Grief!, in the chapter entitled “Why Is It So Hard for Young People to Get and Stay Sober?,” we will explore the top reasons for your child’s resistance to recovery. These reasons are designed to help you understand and empathize with the unique circumstances of a child in addiction, NOT excuse or accept it.
DAN’S FIRST USE
At 15-1/2 years old, Dan broke six feet on the height chart next to his bedroom door. He was tall, pale and pasty. When he looked in the mirror, he saw a nervous, high-strung gathering of developing wimpy muscle fibers and unfocused brain cells struggling to reconcile his childhood emotions and needs with social pressures to cloak himself in a persona of adult props, attitudes and behaviors. He also saw man boobs where none had existed before. He saw what his friends called “vidiot” rolls where he wished there was a six pack.
Dan thought he knew everything and had seen everything. He never allowed himself to be wrong no matter what question came up. But down in his being he knew he’d found nothing.
His Id was alive and well and living huge. Dan had lost his virginity. He thought it was casual. But it wasn’t—not for him. He was hurt when she dumped him for another boy. With all of the cool he could muster, he had said to her, “Whatever…” What he meant was, “How the f**k could you? I don’t know how I can go on.” It was the first time he thought about killing himself. He even had fantasies about how he’d do it, using suicide techniques that would catch the evening news and make her swallow her tongue.
His conscience was struggling to find its still small voice that would direct him toward doing the right thing. But even the calming influence of common sense was as hard to nail down as jello onto a wall.
Dan rose with a groan in the morning and made his way through his day. He’d bypass the granola and grab his Count Chocula, and while his mom wished him a “good morning, love!” (knowing it was against family rules to bring his cell phone to the table), he’d sneak a chill look at his cell phone. The blank screen screamed, “NO FRIENDS!”
From breakfast and geometry, to minis and midriffs and social studies, he struggled to keep his precariously dangling pants cocked cool on his hips. Between classes he checked his carefully coiffed bed head in the mirror. Dan avoided looking at his chiseled jaw, his sea green eyes and his smooth skin and focused instead on the single zit that would ruin his day. When he was late for class, he murmured an excuse. He’d be told to keep his attitude and behavior off the circling radar of authority figures.
Ritalin was a part of his academic diet. Everyone knew he had “potential.”
In fact, his brain was growing in leaps and bounds and had the shine of a gold star, but at that time this promising brain was unengaged by school, unchallenged by suburban communities and unenhanced by a culture whose offerings include Mcmansions, box stores, films featuring boys schtooping pies and mall walk-throughs and drive-bys. Even when you’d talk to him about football, Dan didn’t seem to be present. He was in the past or he was in the future. Today, the now, was not in his consciousness.
Dan’s emotional skin was a hair shirt. One minute he felt comfortable splattering a foe on his Xbox, and the next, he’d feel the hormonal tide draw him out to the Internet surf and an irresistible XXX wave. Next he’d be rat-tailing towels in the locker room to be followed by speculation about whether or not the world is a friendly place worthy of his love as he chomped down on a Subway sandwich.
His life experience hadn’t yet turned gluttony, greed, pride, lust, anger, sloth and envy into the undesirables of being. In fact, they fueled an identity that neatly reflected Dan’s cultural religion of consumerism. Satisfying his ego was everything, and at the moment, it was insatiable.
Even though his dad never rubbed it in, Dan constantly compared himself to his dad’s worldly success. And in the comparisons, he always fell short. At this moment he was thinking of his dad’s iPhone and why he was stuck with this cheap “piece-of-shit” cell technology from AT&T’s low-end offerings.
The still small voice of a focused inner life that included forbearance, serenity, hope, faith, perseverance, responsibility, honesty, humility, compassion and forgiveness were at odds with the fears and impulsiveness of peers and situations. It felt as if the still small voice of his better nature was often on mute when it came to making what some might call “good choices.”
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It felt as if the still small voice of his better nature was often on mute when it came to making what some might call “good choices.”
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Distractions kidnapped his consciousness. Because Dan was terrified of being alone and bored, his room bristled with flickering images of TVs, computers, video games, cell-phone screens and DVDs that cast an unholy light over the fog of a looming weekend—a weekend where he would end up doing no more than hanging out with friends.
Plumbing the depths of a life experience was as deep as a monosyllabic shallow “yes” or “no” or “I dunno.” So a weekend night, not unlike the zillion before and the bazillion to come later, centered on a background of movies starring jackass heroes, video games and friends who would drop by.
He looked out from the low plateau of his “Wayne’s-World” basement. His horizons were cramped by cynicism. His football team was in last place, and he was a loser.
He needed to shake loose. He needed some adrenaline to feel alive. He needed to do anything else, anything but what he was doing—something tactile, something to fill the hole in his soul.
Then one night, while Dan was out riding with his friends in his parents’ car, a friend told him to pull into the Walgreen’s parking lot. The friend pulled out a pipe. He filled it with meth. They stared at the pipe. It sat there: an invitation to Dan’s electric agitation.
DAN’S FIRST USE: THE THREE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES
Now there are at least three possible endings to this day in the life of first use.
Outcome #1: The Addict
Dan put his head down, wrapped his lips around the pipe while his friend held a Bic over the bowl, promising with a smile, “Man, this is going to change everything.” He felt the ecstasy of a free fall. His skin fit like an Armani. His illusions of fame and fortune were totally doable.
Dan believed his feelings for his ex-girlfriend would be reciprocated. He was the master of the universe, and he felt the satisfying shriek of fears running away to the corners of his soul. He was out of the present and out of breath and out of his own skin, filling that echoing void of disease with a chemical spirit.
Regarding himself as unique, perhaps even terminally unique, a superman really, he believed that everything bad that had happened to the millions of teens who had preceded him would not happen to him. He made arrangements for his next dose.
Outcome #2: The Individualist
He felt a churning in his gut. It was a familiar sensation. He had disobeyed its intuitive orders before. When he was 10, he and a group of his friends went into a grocery store to shoplift candy bars. He hadn’t wanted to do it. He almost felt physically sick, but he did it anyway; and as he did, he was chased from the grocery store by a watchful clerk. Maybe if it were just pot, he’d give it a try; but crystal meth, he didn’t think so.
He had a lot to lose one way or the other. They piss test in football, and he had no idea how long it would take to get meth out of his system. He had heard about its evil ways in a talk by a recovering meth addict at school. He also remembered the dozens of talks that he and his parents had when he was growing up.
Time and time again, for various reasons, the subject had come up. He’d always been able to be honest with his parents—or at least most of the time. They had been honest with him—at least he thought they had. He knew he was risking some friendships here, but smoking meth wasn’t worth it. Whenever he left for school, his mom or dad always said, “Remember, Dan, make good choices.” He made his choice. “Hey you guys, take me home and then do what you need to do. This isn’t my thing,” he said.
His friends took Dan home, and then they went back out. Alone, he tossed and turned, worried sick that he was going to be demoted to “nerd” or even worse, “narc.” He wished that he had tried it after all.
At school on Monday two of the boys were looking pretty beat up. None of them snubbed him. Jack, who had brought the stuff in the first place, was going on about what a good time it was. Everyone else nodded in not very believable agreement.
Outcome #3: The Recreationist
He liked it. He liked it a lot. Dan could easily see making a habit out of this drug and the pot that followed to help bring them down. When they went back to Jack’s house, they played video games until five in the morning. They laughed and wrestled and texted every girl at school they could think of who was attractive.
Still, he had some powerful dreams. Dan wanted to go to college, not just state college but a good private university. He wanted to get into politics, he wanted to be the captain of the football team and, as always, he wanted to hear those words from his parents: “We are so proud of you.” He knew if he got thrown out of school or his grades slid down too low, he’d never ever hear those words.
Yet Dan felt confident that he could get high maybe once or twice a week and still manage his ambitions. After all, his dad could drink like that. In fact, his dad would have one drink every night when he came home from work, and occasionally his dad and mom would really party. Meth might be a part of his lifestyle, but it wouldn’t dominate it.
RECREATIONAL DRUG USE
So-called “recreational” drug use has become an enormous source of “denial” for parents and young people, who say, “I only use on weekends or when I don’t have a lot to do.” In turn, parents will often allow their teens to experiment as long as they remain functional. The facts are that young people are experimenting at younger and younger ages. This can retard frontal-lobe brain development, which helps to prevent impulsive behaviors.
Even if they do not have a genetic history of addiction and/or their environment is relatively free of drug and alcohol abuse, the earlier children start experimenting with drugs and alcohol, the more likely they are to become addicts.
Addiction is a progressive disease that cans take years to evolve into an addiction. For example, one client reported that when she first started drinking she had a rule: “Never before 6 p.m. and never on a weekday.” This worked for a year; then the boundaries changed. The rule became: “Never before6 p.m.” Then six months later, the rule changed again: “Never when I am driving.” One year later the rulewas: “Never before noon and never at work.” Finally, she found that she was drinking first thing in the morning until she blacked out at night. She stopped when the police arrested her driving the wrong way down the interstate.
The point is this: To classify your child as are creationist is a very dangerous diagnosis.
FIRST-USE REFLECTION
At the point when Dan is asked if he wants to join in, as parents, teachers, counselors and politicians, we hope and pray that all the time and money we have put into emblazing, “Just say “No!,” into Dan’s fragile psyche will pay off. We hope that the advice will raise its volume to an ear-splitting consciousness, grabbing billboard-size headlines, and Dan will drop his insecurities, he will abandon his need to fit in, he will risk social ostracism, he will ignore the emptiness inside, he will know that he is better than this, and he will simply say, “Not for me.” We hope Dan will be an individualist, and we’d even settle for a recreationalist.
But we should all know by now that it takes more than carefully crafted TV commercials and post-modern versions of “Reefer Madness” presentations to empower him to say, “No.” We should know that the tens of billions of dollars we’ve spent on the so-called “war on drugs” have done nothing. And they will continue to do nothing as long as there is a demand.
Whether or not Dan will become an addict, recreationist or individualist will depend on a number of factors, including parenting. But good parenting does not protect your child from addiction.
So what does separate the individualist and the recreationalist from the addict?
Professionals usually attribute addiction to “nurture” or “nature” ideas or a combination of the two. Based on my experience and faith, there is a third school of thought called the “wind” school.
1. Nature: The nature school believes that everything you are is determined by your genetic pool. Research indicates that 50 to 90 percent of addiction is genetic. In fact, those who have a history of addiction in their family are nine times more likely to become addicts than those without a history of drug or alcohol abuse.
Ever since I read about the nature school in college, I’ve been uncomfortable with it.
Think about the implications for addicts. Arthur Compton, in a series of lectures entitled “The Freedom of Man,” began this series of lectures with the following paragraph:
“The fundamental question of morality, a vital problem in religion and a subject of active investigation in science is: Is man a free agent? If our actions are the necessary outcome of our past history, if the atoms of our bodies follow physical laws as immutable as the motions of the planets, why try? What difference can it make how great the effort if our actions are already determined by mechanical laws of cause and effect?”
In other words, if everything acts according to definite and unchangeable genetic laws, then why bother to try and change our behavior?
While this “nature” finding has helped us addicts qualify for insurance reimbursement, disability pay and protection from discrimination in housing, it has given many addicts I know a wonderful excuse to not change their behavior.
I’ve heard other addicts say: “Why bother? I was born to be bad….Only the good die young… Once a junkie, always a junkie.”
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I’ve heard other addicts say: “Why bother? I was born to be bad. Only the good die young. Once a junkie, always a junkie.”
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But when you read on, Compton concludes that indeed human beings are free agents and the choices we make are real choices that are not necessarily the result of biologically inherited factors. However, as mentioned earlier, young people with a family history of addiction are more likely to become addicts. In addition, regardless of their genetic disposition, because of the way drugs and alcohol affect brain development, the earlier a child starts experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol, the more likely they are to become addicted.
Bottom line: Genetics do matter! If you have a history of addiction in your family, do not keep it a secret. Make your child acutely aware that if they decide to experiment with drugs and/or alcohol, they are playing Russian roulette with a six shooter that has five bullets.
2. Nurture: The nurture school believes that you are born a tabla rasa, a blank slate, and that your environment determines everything that you are. For example, if someone is brought up in a home where there is alcohol or drug abuse, no doubt, they will be adversely affected by those conditions. Likewise, the opposite is true. If a person is born and raised in a sober household, then chances are that person will create for his or her children the same kind of sober atmosphere. But even this belief can create a sort of fatalistic determinism.
We might say to ourselves that we can’t change because we were victims of a drunk mom or dad, or because we had an uncaring parent, we were poor, our parents divorced, we changed schools frequently or we endured unspeakable physical or emotional abuse.
Professionals also believe that being brought up in a household where drugs and/or alcohol are available and used does contribute to addictive patterns in children, particularly if children observe their use as a way of coping with stress.
However, even in the absence of drugs and alcohol in the household, substance use is so pervasive with teen peer groups, in high schools and in our culture that it is hard to isolate home environmental factors from community and peer-group factors.
Why? The omnipresence of peers. The nurturing family life of teenagers is hardly limited to their nuclear family. In fact, through the wonders of technology, teenagers “enjoy” a most expansive extended family 24/7.
First, you should know that statistics show that 90 percent of students try drugs and/or alcohol at least once by the 10th grade and 99 percent by the time they graduate from high school. It would be unusual for any student to “just say ‘no.’” Secondly, of the 99 percent who try drugs and/or alcohol, 10 percent will become addicts. The remainder will use these substances recreationally or only on “special” occasions, and a small percentage will abstain completely.
Addiction is a progressive disease. So what might be manageable or recreational use for a time can collapse into a place where lives do become unmanageable.
But make no mistake: Your child will be confronted with the choice to try drugs and/or alcohol. It is not a matter of if but when.
The McDonald’s Corporation released a study that said that 70 percent of the decisions a parent makes are determined by their children. I found this hard to believe until I thought about the car I owned, a van; the places we chose to eat out as a family; the foods we bought at the grocery store; the types of vacations we selected; the distribution of our household budget; the doctors and dentists we chose, and so on. After the inventory, I decided that 70 percent seemed too low a percentage.
Now think about your teenager’s world. It is estimated that by the age of 11, 80 percent of your child’s decisions are influenced NOT by God, country, church and family but by your child’s peer group.
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By the age of 11, 80 percent of your child’s decisions are influenced NOT by God, country, church and family but by your child’s peer group.
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Those of us who are members of the pre-cell phone and pre-Internet generations, may not understand this. We knew that our peers had an influence on us, but it wasn’t that much. In fact, by the time we reached home from a day at school, we were firmly in the grasp of our family’s sphere of influence. Our connections to the outside world included a rotary dial phone, a scratchy record player, a fuzzy establishment-approved, AM-radio DJ and three network television stations.
From authority figures to comedic characters. Today, young people have 24-hour access to their peer group through school, cell phones, text messaging, Internet, e-mail and cable programming produced especially for their demographic. These programs do not necessarily contain the moral high ground of “Little House on the Prairie” or the single-parent household of “Bonanza’s” Cartwrights let alone “Father Knows Best.” “Family Guy,” “The Simpsons,” “South Park” and other shows are funny programs but not exactly “Leave It To Beaver” when it comes to their characterization of adults and authority figures.
Before the technological revolution, parents, teachers, doctors, lawyers, politicians and even clergy were freely given structural authority and respect. It did not have to be earned. It was granted by their position and degrees. Today, in both adult and youth worlds, authority figures are granted authority and respect only as they earn it. This is true for your children. Believe me, they will be looking for parallels between you and Homer Simpson or, if you’re lucky, Marge.
Media over-exposure has made today’s youth skeptical, cynical and sophisticated observers of human behavior. In a word, they are savvy.
As a result, teenagers can smell a hypocrite a mile away, and they are far less likely to listen to your teachings and warnings with a “Say No to Drugs” sticker in one hand and a martini or beer in the other. By the way, if you are a recreational pot smoker and think your teenager doesn’t know because you’ve been so discreet, forget about it. They know.
Don’t ask me how. My experience has been that the child always knows. Even when parents are certain that their child has never seen them smoke pot or get “blasted,” their child knows. And they will use it against you when you fight for their sobriety.
Bottom line: Nurture matters too! And while you may have wiped their tears and changed their diapers and bandaged their physical and psychic wounds, your sphere of influence isn’t as big or as powerful as you may imagine.
3. The wind school is something quite different. It might be said that this third school is the antithesis of biological, sociological or psychological determinism. The wind school name comes from Hebrew and Christian theology. It is based on a quote that says, “The wind blows where it will, and you hear the sound of it; but you do not know from whence it comes or whither it goes. So it is with everyone born of the spirit.”
Whatever else this line may mean, it says to me that change is always possible. It says that no matter what your genes may be, no matter what kind of personal hell your child was brought up in, no matter what life may be like for a child or a parent, the human spirit is such that radical change is possible.
Now we’ve taught our children the language of Main Street, Wall Street, Madison Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue. They’re fluent in the SATs, PSATs, ACTs and LMNOPs of academia. But when they’re confronted with the inevitable winters of discontent, the ache of injustices and the pains of sadness and depression, we have not taught them to hear or listen to their still small voice, which says, “You are my child with whom I am well pleased.” Or “This too shall pass.” And they’re overcome with the “nausea of meaninglessness.”
We need to give our children something to say “Yes!” to.
Bottom line: If your child wants to live, does it matter where the disease came from? There is always hope. Environment and genetics do have something to say about who is an addict, who is a recreationalist and who is an individualist. Nurture and nature do have a say in how much of a ride their addiction will take them on before they are face-to-face with their proverbial “bottom.” But nature and nurture do not have the final say because your child is “born of the spirit.”
There are steps we can take to help our children make the “right choice.” Having said that, this book is not about your child; it’s about you.
For more information about how to help your child make the right choice, visit www.wholesoulrecovery.com. Here you will find Reverend Harper’s book entitled Breaking the Cycle: A Young Addicts Guide to Freedom, as well as other resources designed to turn up the volume on your child’s still small voice so they can say “Yes!” to the joyousness of life and an emphatic “NO!” to drugs and alcohol.
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10 WARNING SIGNS OF ADDICTION
Like any disease, the sooner addiction is identified and treated, the better. Recognizing the warning signs of addiction in young adults suffering from chemical dependency is often the first step to uncovering their addiction and getting them the help they need.
1. Changes in physical appearance. Drug and alcohol use will have a recognizable impact on a young person’s body. Physical symptoms of substance abuse include:
● Unexplained weight loss or weight gain
● Development of
unusual sores on the body
● Bruises and/or cuts
● Burns,
particularly those on hands or face
● Facial redness or
irritated skin
● Frequently irritated eyes
● Development of
tooth decay or gum problems
● Strange smells on clothing
2. Sudden health problems. Common health-related symptoms that can arise from substance abuse are:
● Unexplained exhaustion/tiredness
● Irregular sleeping
patterns
● Recurrent nosebleeds
● Vomiting
●
Seizures
● Headaches
● Memory loss
● Cotton mouth
(excessively feeling thirsty thirsty all the time)
● Constant
sickness
3. Unexplained personality changes. It’s natural for personality changes to occur during the young adult years; this is the time when men and women develop their adult individuality. It’s important to look for strange, unexplained personality changes that don’t quite make sense, such as:
● Sudden lack of motivation
● Loss of conscience or
inhibitions
● Boisterous, loud behavior
● Out of character
withdrawal, overexcitement or hyperactivity
4. Mental instability. Drugs can sometimes trigger a psychological imbalance. This can be seen when the user begins to:
● Hear voices
● Perform actions driven by paranoia
● Act
compulsively
● Lose their ability to concentrate or focus
5. Emotional instability. Depressants and stimulants are designed to help improve a person’s emotions. That’s why drugs and alcohol can often activate:
● Depression
● Mood swings
● Difficulties in managing
anger
6. Changes at school. At school, the following are addiction red-flags:
● Lateness
● Unexplained absences
● Problems and
complaints reported by peers and/or teachers
7. Changes at home. Around the house, the following are addiction red-flags:
● Locked doors
● Excessive use of perfumes or air
fresheners/odor-neutralizers
● Missing prescription medications,
alcoholic beverages, household cleaners and other products
8. Activities. Substance abuse often becomes the highlight of life for addicts, overshadowing the activities that use to bring them happiness. Changes that should cause concern are:
● Lost interest in most or all of their favorite activities
●
Breaking promises or making excuses (uncharacteristically)
●
Disappearances