DON’T FEAR THE REAPER: 250 ANECDOTES

By David Bruce

Dedicated with Respect to

the Members of Blue Oyster Cult:

Eric Bloom, Donald “Buck Dharma” Roeser, Richie Castellano, Jules Radino, and Rudy Sarzo and to Sue Angle and Carl Bruce

SMASHWORDS EDITION

Copyright 2011 by Bruce D. Bruce

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Front Cover Photograph: TRIANGLE

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Don’t Fear the Reaper: 250 Anecdotes

Introduction: Notes Left Behind

• In August 2007, 6-year-old Elena Desserich died of a rare form of brain cancer known as brainstem glioma that afflicts mostly children. Her father, Keith, said, “They told us at the very beginning that she had 135 days to live.” As the brain tumor progressed, Elena lost the ability to speak, but she retained the ability to draw and to write notes to her parents and to her younger sister, Grace, to say, “I love you.” Her mother, Brooke, said, “That was her way to [let] us know everything would be OK.” After Elena died, her family discovered that Elena had left notes hidden in the house for them to find. Keith said that “they would be in between CDs or between books on our bookshelf. We started to collect them, and they would all say ‘I love you Mom, Dad, and Grace.’ We kept finding them, and still to this day, we keep finding them.” Elena was clever in choosing hiding places for the notes. Keith said, “She would tuck them into bookcases, tuck them into dishes, china you don’t touch every year and you’d lift it up and there’d be a note in it.” Each parent has a sealed note that has never been opened. Keith explained, “We always want to know that there’s one more note that we haven’t read yet.” Keith has written a book titled Notes Left Behind: 135 Days with Elena about Elena’s notes. It includes the journal that he wrote during Elena’s last days so that her sister Grace would have something to remember her by. Profits from the book go to the Desserichs’ cancer foundation: The Cure Starts Now. Keith said, “They [readers] should take the time to listen and not get caught up in the day’s rush. […] I’ll never forget that lesson. Wish I would’ve learned it earlier.”

Activism

• In February 2011 protesters massed in Madison, Wisconsin, in response to Wisconsin’s union-busting governor, Scott Walker, a Republican, who gave massive tax cuts to businesses, then declared a fiscal emergency and tried to make ordinary employees be the ones to pay for the tax cuts. His way of doing that was to remove the collective bargaining rights of many public employees. According to New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, some public employees — the kind who tend to be Republicans — would still retain their collective bargaining rights. Being a protester means staying on the scene for long periods of time, and of course protesters get hungry. Ian’s Pizza in Madison, Wisconsin, received a request at 3:30 a.m., asking if it had any leftover pizza. It did, and so the hungry protesters got fed. Word got around that Ian’s Pizza had gone above and beyond what an ordinary place of business would probably do at 3:30 a.m., and soon orders flooded in from people who wanted to order pizzas to be given to the protesters — a way of showing support for them. On Saturday, February 19, Ian’s delivered more than 300 pizzas to the protesters. The calls to order pizzas for the protesters came from both near and far. The far places included Australia, Canada, China, Denmark, Egypt, Finland, Germany, Korea, the Netherlands, Turkey, and the UK. Ian’s Facebook page thanked the people who wanted to feed the protesters and added, “Believe us when we say we are not really accustomed to getting pizza orders from the entire country (let alone internationally!)”

• Riot Grrrl Suzy Corrigan was bullied in high school in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Fortunately, some punk girls came to her rescue by telling the bully, “If you have a problem with her, then we have a problem with you.” Many of the girls in her high school were annoyed when a man started passing out anti-abortion propaganda just outside of school grounds. A few girls asked him why he was creeping around schoolgirls who were way too young for him. Many girls discovered that the propaganda could be chewed up into spitballs, which they launched at him with McDonald’s straws.

• When Joan Baez was 23 years old and already a successful folk singer, she publicly announced that she would no longer pay in federal income taxes the 60 percent that went to armaments. Of course, the federal government sent tax collectors to each of her concerts to get money to pay for its war machine, but at least Ms. Baez had made the government aware of her beliefs. (The government also had to spend money to collect the money—money that would otherwise have gone to armaments.)

• Feminist and riot grrrl Red Chidgey performed a notable piece of activism one Valentine’s Day. She set up a table as if for a dinner party complete with plates and silverware settings. On each plate she had written two things: 1) a myth of rape and 2) a reality of rape. The activism was successful: Many people worked their way around the table, reading each plate.

Actors

• When Bette Davis—not widely regarded as beautiful—first arrived in Hollywood, the official greeter did not meet her. Oh, the official greeter was at the train station, but as he explained later, “No one faintly like an actress got off the train.” By the way, Ms. Davis wanted to rise to the top of whatever field she was in and to be the best she could be. She once said, “If Hollywood didn’t work out, I was all prepared to be the best secretary in the world.”

• Comedian Bert Lahr worried about other actors trying to steal a scene from him, so when he was a star other performers were under orders not to move when he was speaking. Once, he complained to a theatrical producer that a certain actor had been moving, but the producer denied that. Mr. Lahr said, “You’re wrong. Tonight he was moving his facial muscles.”

• When Audrey Hepburn appeared as Eliza Doolittle in the movie version of My Fair Lady, she was made to appear dirty as the flower girl Eliza. Her costume was made to appear dirty, and it even appeared that she had dirt under her fingernails. However, Ms. Hepburn always insisted on wearing perfume although she was otherwise in character.

• Sometimes Tallulah Bankhead had a weak grasp of reality, as when she said, “Cocaine isn’t habit-forming. I should know—I’ve been using it for years.” At other times, she had a firm grasp of reality; for example, in her later years, when a fan asked if she was really the “famous Tallulah,” she replied, “What’s left of her.”

• While Bob Hope was filming The Road to Hong Kong, he met Zsa Zsa Gabor, who told him, “Bob, darlink, I understand that there is the most vonderful part in your picture for me.” Mr. Hope replied, “There sure is, honey. We’ll have it written tomorrow.” Then Mr. Hope told his writers to create a part for Ms. Gabor.

Advertising

• The maternal grandmother of Marlo Thomas, star of TV’s That Girl, was also the mother-in-law of Danny Thomas, star of TV’s Make Room for Daddy. She had a beer-garden band called Marie’s Merry Music Makers in which she played the drums. No fool, during the week she billed herself as “Danny Thomas’s Mother-in-Law,” but to get a younger crowd during the weekend she billed herself as “Marlo Thomas’s Grandmother.”

• Adman Jerry Della Femina once wrote a best-seller titled From Those Wonderful Folks Who Brought You Pearl Harbor. As a young man, he had proposed that title as the slogan for a new Japanese product, but older people who were more experienced in advertising promptly shot it down. Mr. Femina also once created a controversial ad for condoms. Its slogan was this: “I enjoy sex, but I’m not willing to die for it.”

• Word-of-mouth advertising can work. African-American diva Ellabelle Davis (1907-1960) performed her first concert in Mexico City in 1945. At the beginning of the concert, few people were in the audience. However, during intermission, the audience went out into the streets and told friends and neighbors that a new star had arrived. By the end of Ms. Davis’ concert, the concert was standing room only.

Advice

• David J. Pollay was a passenger in the back of a New York City taxicab when another car nearly caused a major collision that could have sent Mr. Pollay and the taxi driver to the hospital. The driver of the other car, who was definitely at fault, shouted obscenities at the taxi driver. However, the taxi driver simply smiled and waved at the obscenity-shouting man, and he did this without anger or sarcasm. Mr., Pollay was impressed and asked why he had done that. The taxi driver explained, “Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. So when someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Believe me. You’ll be happier.” Mr. Pollay says, “What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by? Here’s my bet: You’ll be happier.”

• An advisor to a king had to leave on an important mission. Before he left, the advisor asked the king if he would believe a man who told him that a tiger was in the street. The king replied, “No.” The advisor then asked the king if he would believe two men who told him that a tiger was in the street. The king replied, “No.” The advisor then asked the king if he would believe three men who told him that a tiger was in the street. This time, the king replied, “Yes.” The advisor then said, “It takes the reports of only three men to convince you of something. Many more than three men are in your court. Be careful whom you believe while I am gone.”

• Kevin Session believes in having a good barber. According to him, “A good barber is like a good lady; once you find the right one, hold on tight.” Once, his barber—a good one—changed shops. The barbers still remaining would not tell him where his barber was now working because they wanted his business. For a few weeks, he hunted for his barber, in the meantime enduring bad barbers and bad haircuts. When he finally located his barber, he told him, “Now, don’t you do that again, brother. Where you go, I go.”

Alcohol

• The Hasidim loved Israel. Rabbi Yohanan of Rachmistrivska once owned a bottle of wine that had been bottled in Israel, but he declined to drink the wine, “I do not know whether I will like this particular bottle of wine. Since I do not want, heaven forbid, to disparage something that comes from Eretz Israel, I would rather not drink the bottle.” Rabbi Avraham Hazan immigrated to Eretz Israel from Uman, and each year he would travel to Uman to celebrate Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New York). He always took a bottle of Israeli wine with him, and he always made sure it lasted him until he returned to Israel. Whenever he drank wine, he drank wine bottled from outside of Israel, but he put just a little of the Israeli wine in the glass so that the wine would have some of sanctity of Eretz Israel.

• The family of William Warren Woollcott, the older brother of famous drama critic Alexander Woollcott, was at times unconventional. During the time of Prohibition, when alcoholic beverages were forbidden, Billy Woollcott made his own beer. On special occasions, he would bring up an extra bottle and let his very young daughters have a little beer along with the adults. This beer was a special treat to them. Of course, their father was a good parent. He would sometimes tell his two youngest daughters, “Drink your milk. The one who doesn’t finish her milk won’t get any beer tonight.”

• Operatic tenor Leo Slezak knew an alcoholic who called every drink an “okrepa”—that is, a strengthener—so he called the alcoholic “Okrepa.” The alcoholic spent all his money on drink, and so he never bought a railway ticket. Instead, he would arrange to be in the dining car when the ticket inspector came, and instead of purchasing a ticket, he would draw the ticket inspector into conversation and buy him drinks. Unfortunately, this always cost the alcoholic much more than simply buying the ticket would have.

• Mrs. Sarah Siddons was playing Lady Macbeth on a very hot day. Being thirsty, she asked her dresser to get her a drink, so he sent a small boy to get her a glass of beer from a local pub. Returning with the beer, the boy asked where Mrs. Siddons was. Informed that she was on stage, he walked out in full view of the audience and said, “If you please, ma’am, I’ve brought you your beer.”

• Sometimes people in other countries don’t quite do American things right. While in France, Peg Bracken ordered an iced tea, but after drinking half a glass, she felt like singing loudly and putting a lampshade on her head, so she asked the waiter, “Did you put gin in this?” The waiter, surprised replied, “Mais oui, madame”—as if to say, “Doesn’t everyone?’

• A dying Scotsman asked his minister if any whiskey was in Heaven. Noticing that the minister looked surprised, the dying man said, “Understand, it’s not that I care for it, but it does look awfully well on the table.”

Animals

• In August 1996, Cerise Summers was inside her home watching a soap opera. Inside with her was Bambi, her seven-month-old pet beagle. Outside, playing in a sandbox where she could hear them, were her three-year-old son, Troy, and his playmate, Mika Paloma, who was two and a half years old. Cerise said, “At a crucial part of the program, Bambi started whining and barking to be let out. I told her to wait.” Bambi would not wait. When Cerise reached out to give Bambi a swat, Bambi snapped at her—something that she had never done before. Cerise said, “I was shocked. And maybe that brainy beagle knew that was what it would take to make me pay attention to her. Anyway, that was when I began to think seriously that something must be wrong to make her act in such a manner.” Cerise let Bambi out. Cerise said, “The moment she was free of the house, she began snarling and growling like she was ready to do battle with a bear, I ran after her to see what had so upset her—and then I got the shock of my life!” The shock was a strange man who had Troy under one arm and Mika under the other. Bambi bit the man, who dropped the two children. Cerise said, “He was cursing Bambi a blue streak, but by this time I had a garden hoe in my hands and was charging toward him. He took one look at the rage in my eyes, the hoe in my hands, and the fury in Bambi’s snapping teeth, and jumped over the fence. That’s when I really started to scream, and several neighbors came out to see what was happening.” Bambi received a very nice reward for saving the two children from the strange man: a huge serving of her favorite meal—hamburger and French fries and ketchup.

• Regina Mayer wanted a horse, but her parents would not get her one. Therefore, the teenager, who lives on a farm in southern Germany in the hamlet of Laufen, which is very close to the Austrian border, used what was available and started riding a cow named Luna, even teaching it to jump over a hurdle. The 15-year-old Regina says about Luna, “She thinks she’s a horse.” Teaching Luna took many hours and many treats, but now the two take long rides together. At first, Regina simply put a halter on Luna and took her for a walk, and then gradually she got her accustomed to other riding equipment. After six months, Regina climbed up on Luna’s back. Regina says, “She was really well behaved and walked normally. But after a couple of meters, she wanted me to get off! You could see that she got a bit peeved.” But now Luna understands commands such as the German equivalents of “go,” “stand,” and “gallop.” Anne Wiltafsky, a cow expert near the Swiss city of Zurich, gave Regina advice when requested. Ms. Wiltafsky says about cows, “Especially younger ones can jump really well.” She also pointed out that cows can be “unbelievably devoted” to people. Martin Putzhammer, a 17-year-old neighbor of Regina, says, “At first I thought it was kind of weird—a kid on a cow? Had to get used to it, but once I did I thought it was pretty funny.” Regina still hopes to get a horse one day, but she says about Luna, “She’ll stay my darling.”

• Eric Carle, author and illustrator of the children’s book The Very Hungry Caterpillar, loves animals. He once had a cat named Fifi, and when he was preparing string beans, he noticed that Fifi was deeply interested in the string beans. He threw a string bean down the hall, and Fifi chased it and retrieved it and begged him to throw it again. The game continued until Fifi looked tired to Mr. Carle, and then he stopped throwing the string bean. Fifi took the string bean, put it in one of Mr. Carle’s shoes, and then curled around the shoe and took a nap. Each time Mr. Carle prepared string beans they played this game. And once while Mr. Carle and his wife were taking a walk to a park, they came across a turtle that was marching down a concrete sidewalk. Thinking that the sidewalk was no place for a turtle, they picked it up, carried it to the park, and released it. They then enjoyed the park. On their way back home, they came across the turtle, which was again on a sidewalk, walking toward the spot where they had first discovered it. Mr. Carle and his wife looked at each other and smiled. They picked up the turtle, carried it to the place where they had first found it, and put it down on the sidewalk. The turtle then walked to a bush and vanished.

• Eric Carle, author and illustrator of many children’s books, observes animals closely. At the zoo, he was watching the penguins and noticed that they were weirdly still and quiet. They were also closely observing something. Mr. Carle looked, and he saw a snake on a rock. Snakes and penguins come from different worlds, and it seemed to Mr. Carle as if the penguins were trying to figure put what a snake was and the snake was trying to figure out what penguins were. Mr. Carle told the zoo director about the snake and discovered that the snake was an escapee. The zoo director told him, “The reptile enclosure is on a different floor and quite a distance from the penguin pen. It’s a mystery to me how the snake could get from one to the other.” Mr. Carle went with the zoo director to the penguin pen. The zoo director saw the snake, and then he smiled and shook Mr. Carle’s hand.

• In Denali, Alaska, a St. Bernard named Grizzly Bear saved his owner from a real grizzly bear. Mrs. David Gratias discovered a grizzly bear cub in her backyard. Knowing that the mother grizzly bear must be near and would protect her cub, she immediately headed back to her house. Unfortunately, the mother grizzly bear was just around the corner of the house and mauled her. Fortunately, Grizzly Bear attacked the grizzly bear, biting it and staying in between it and Mrs. Gratias, who passed out. When she awoke, Grizzly Bear was licking her face, and the grizzly bear and her cub had disappeared. Grizzly Bear was named the Ken-L Ration Dog Hero of the Year for 1970.

• Syndicated columnist Connie Schultz, who lives in Ohio, remembers a group of children who attended a school near where she then lived. Each day after school they visited an orange cat named Tim-Tom. One day, Tim-Tom was not in his owners’ driveway—he had died. His owners, Marianne and Paul Carey, saw the children looking for Tim-Tom, and so they posted his picture and obituary on a lamppost: “We would sadly like to let the neighborhood know that our dutiful Tim-Tom passed away on Sat. at age 18 years and 2 months. He is peacefully resting in our garden.” The children wrote letters of condolence and left them under the lamppost.

• P.T. Barnum once received a letter from a Vermont man offering to sell him a cherry-colored cat for $400. The letter assured him that the cat was not dyed, and that the cherry coloring was the cat’s natural color. Thinking that a cherry-colored cat would be a good exhibit for his museum of curiosities, Mr. Barnum wrote out a check for $400 and mailed it. A few days later, a box arrived for Mr. Barnum. Inside the box were a black cat and a note: “In Vermont, our cherries are black.”

• English actress Mrs. Patrick Campbell loved Pinkie Panky Poo, her pet Pekingese, and she wanted to take him with her whenever she traveled. She once bundled him under her cloak and tried to smuggle him past customs. Later, she told her friends, “Everything was going splendidly—until my bosom barked.”

Birthdays

• When African-American Duke Ellington reached his 70th birthday, he celebrated it at the White House at the invitation of then-President Richard Nixon. In the receiving line, Mr. Ellington kissed each person four times—twice on each cheek. When President Nixon asked him about it, Mr. Ellington replied, “One for each cheek, Mr. President.” When President Nixon gave him the Medal of Freedom at the birthday celebration, Mr. Ellington kissed him four times.

• On Bernard Baruch’s 95th birthday, Harry Hershfield telephoned to wish him “Happy Birthday” and to ask, “Do you think there’s as much love in the world today as there was years ago?” Mr. Baruch answered, “Yes, but there’s another bunch doing it.”

Children

• As a child, Alicia Markova saw Anna Pavlova dance—and was mesmerized. She told her father that she wanted to speak to Ms. Pavlova, so he reluctantly went backstage, where he was told to bring his daughter to her residence the next morning. Her father read the morning newspapers while Ms. Pavlova put the young Alicia through her paces. She corrected young Alicia as needed, gave her good advice—such as to take care of her teeth—and gave her a cologne rub. Finally, she warned the young Alicia that if she stayed with ballet, there was lots of hard work ahead of her. As a child, Alicia was billed as “Little Alicia, the Child Pavlova.” Unfortunately, this almost kept her from being accepted as a student of the best ballet teacher in London: Serafine Astafieva. When Ms. Astafieva learned that Alicia was billed as “the Child Pavlova,” she became angry because she regarded Ms. Pavlova as a supreme artist. However, young Alicia began to cry, so Ms. Astafieva allowed her to audition. Afterward, she gave Alicia a hug and told her mother, “I will accept her. Take her home. Wrap her in cotton wool—you have a race horse.”

• A person who calls himself “MarkGrace” posted a funny story on the ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’ thread at Cougaruteforum.com: In church some people asked little kids what they liked to do for fun. A 4-year-old girl replied, “Not go to church.” A man who calls himself “Clackamascoug” remembers when his little son was taking a bath and started yelling for him. He ran to the bathroom and saw his son holding a Bic razor and bleeding from a cut on his face. His son told him, “You and Mom should know better than to leave this thing where I can find it.” A person by goes by the posting name “BigPiney” has a 3-year-old daughter who insists that BigPiney’s burps are gross but her own burps are “yummy.” And “Cowboy” remembers his five-year-old praying at the dinner table: “Please bless us that we’ll never, ever, ever raise our middle finger at people.” By the way, Cowboy’s daughter complained about her brother, “He called me fat and ugly.” His son defended himself: “Not fat!”

• Frederick Townsend Martin was a writer and an advocate for the poor. He knew that often when rich people visited the poor they were actually slumming and snooping rather than helping. To illustrate this, he told a story about a little girl who was in a group of slum children invited to a garden party by a rich woman. The little girl asked the rich woman, “Does your husband drink?” The rich woman was shocked but replied, “Why—er—no, not to excess.” The little girl then asked, “How much does he make at his job?” The rich woman explained, “He doesn’t work. He’s a capitalist.” The little girl next asked, “You keep out of debt, I hope?” The rich woman was fed up and asked, “Look here! What do you mean by all these impudent questions?” The little girl replied, “Impudent? Why, ma’am, my mother told me to be sure and behave like a lady, and when ladies call at our rooms they always question mother like that.”

• Wally and his wife have two sons: one is 3 years old and the other is 5 years old. Being kids, and being boys, they sometimes say outrageous things. At dinner the 3-year-old said, “I don’t like these noodles—they taste like rotten skin.” (The 5-year-old, a big eater, readily ate the noodles.) The 3-year-old, who is a fan of the violent comic-book character Wolverine, also said, “I am Wolverine, and I chop this bad-guy’s face into a bloody stump.” Wally’s wife was shocked: “WHAAAAAT!” The 5-year-old happily replied, “HAHAHA, BLOODY STUMP, BLOODY STUMP!” Although the kids say funny things, Wally’s wife had the funniest line, which she delivered with a big sigh: “I wanted daughters soooo badly.”

• A woman who calls herself JuneBug relates that her oldest son, Erik, took his four-year-old niece downtown. JuneBug says, “Downtown is Mia’s favorite place to go!” Erik and Mia did some window-shopping, and Mia picked a few flowers. Some homeless men were downtown, and Erik tried to get Mia to walk faster past the homeless men. Erik told her, “C’mon, Mia. You need to walk with me.” Mia replied, “Okay, Uncle Erik, but this man needs a flower!” Mia gave the homeless man a flower, and the homeless man smiled widely. Erik says, “I’m gonna take her back downtown again soon just so she can hand out her flowers and make people smile.” And JuneBug says, “Children may learn from us, but we also learn from the big hearts of our children.”

• According to etiquette expert Grace Fox, it is entirely appropriate for a single woman to announce the birth of her child. Ms. Fox writes in her book Everyday Etiquette, “The birth of a baby is always a joyous and newsworthy occasion, and I see no reason not to announce every new arrival.” Women may also send separate birth announcements when separated or divorced from the father. In addition, same-sex couples who either have or adopt a child may send out announcements with the names of both partners.

• Operatic tenor Leo Slezak and his wife enjoyed getting letters from their children while they were traveling on short tours. One letter from his little daughter read: “My goldfish bowl got broken when I was changing the water in the bathroom, the goldfish tumbled out and I couldn’t catch him, so I filled the bathroom with water. Nanny was very cross about it, but my goldfish is all right.”

• As a registered nurse, Gillespie Richards has learned the correct terminology for medical conditions, and as a mother, she has learned that sometimes she ought not to use that terminology. For example, she used the correct terminology when her five-year-old son had cold sores, and he said loudly in church, “Boy, does my herpes ever hurt!”

• A little girl—who said that she had experience taking ballet lessons—went to a dance class, but did nothing when the teacher ordered, “Plié!” Therefore, the teacher gave the English command, “Bend your knees!” To the laughter of the class, the little girl asked, “Which way?”

Christmas

• In Kansas City, Missouri, a man known as Secret Santa passed out gifts of money during the Christmas season for over 25 years. That man was Larry Stewart, a millionaire (due to his cable television and long-distance telephone service) who revealed his identity after becoming seriously ill. He began giving away money in December 1979 after losing his job the week before Christmas—the second year in a row that happened to him. He was at a drive-in restaurant. He remembered, “It was cold and this car hop didn’t have on a very big jacket, and I thought to myself, ‘I think I got it bad. She’s out there in this cold making nickels and dimes.” He gave her $20 and told her to keep the change. He said, “And suddenly I saw her lips begin to tremble and tears begin to flow down her cheeks. She said, ‘Sir, you have no idea what this means to me.’” Mr. Stewart went to his bank, withdrew $200, and drove around looking for people to give it to. Mr. Stewart said, “That’s what we’re here for—to help other people out.” He died in January 2009, after reportedly giving away $1.3 million as Secret Santa. Remarkably, a new Secret Santa appeared and gave away gifts of money at Christmas, including a gift of $2,000 to retired police officer Herman Smithey III, a terminal cancer patient. Mr. Smithey said, “Around here, the word we use is ‘miracle.’ And that’s what that was.”

• Following a snowfall of several inches some years ago, Eugene R. Gryniewicz
asked his two sons, Joshua and Christopher, who were then in junior high school, to shovel the sidewalk, steps, and driveway, and then he would give them their allowances. After a while, he checked on them because they had not picked up their allowances, although he knew that they had planned to go to the mall with some friends who were stopping by. Investigating, he discovered that they had shoveled several sidewalks, and not just that of their own family. Indeed, some of their friends had joined them in shoveling sidewalks. However, his investigation showed that they had not approached the home dwellers to negotiate payment. One home was that of an elderly woman who took care of her bedridden nephew. Mr. Gryniewicz returned home, and soon his sons and their friends showed up. He invited everyone in for hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls, and one of his sons’ friends showed him a copy of the message that they had been leaving on the doors of the houses whose sidewalks they had shoveled: “Your walk has been shoveled by the Christmas Elves. There is no need to thank us. Do something nice for someone this week. Merry Christmas. The Elves.”

• A person who goes by the moniker Anwahs knew a crotchety elderly man who lives near him. One winter, someone went to the elderly man’s house and cleared his driveway, using the snow to make a row of smiling, waving snowmen. Because the elderly man was crotchety, he complained about the “trespasser” who had made the snowmen. Anwahs’ son, however, did not know what the word “trespass” meant and thought that it must be a good thing. He was impressed by the snowmen, and exclaimed, “Wow, sir, that’s the biggest, bestest present I’ve ever seen!” He then asked Anwahs, “Could we have someone ‘trespass’ on our lawn, too?” The old man smiled, and the next day he left a Christmas card outside Anwahs’ front door, and he left a plush snowman as a gift for Anwahs’ son. Anwahs writes that “if I ever find out who made the snowmen on [the old man’s] lawn, I will be sure to send them something in return. They gave my son, myself, and our neighbor “the biggest, bestest present ever!”

• Lisa Bendall has a friend named Derek who is a flight paramedic in central California. She says, “He literally saves lives in high-stress, heart-pumping emergency situations. If it sounds like a glamorous job, Derek assures me that it’s both underpaid and underappreciated.” He has worked in this job for 17 years and thanks are rare. However, in December 2010 Derek visited a Starbucks, and a big Texas wearing a cowboy hat was in line with him. They started talking, and when the Texan found out what Derek did for a living, he paid for Derek’s coffee as well as his own. He also told Derek, sincerely, “Thank you for your public service.” The Texan then wished Derek “Merry Christmas” and left. Derek says, “It’s the first time anyone has ever done that kind of thing for me. I realize it wasn’t about him buying me the coffee, but all about what he said.” Derek also says about the good deed, “I believe I will have to pay it forward.”

• Duke Ellington certainly looked ahead. In early 1974 he went to the hospital because of what was his final illness. In April jazz writer and enthusiast Nat Hentoff received a Christmas card from him. Mr. Hentoff writes, “I was startled but not surprised. He always preferred to look ahead, and in case he wouldn’t be around in December, he was bringing season’s greetings while he could. I was depressed at what I took to be ‘Goodbye.’” On May 24, Mr. Ellington died.

Comedians

• Hollywood comedy writer Barney Dean was on an airplane that took him on a bouncy flight. When the plane landed and Mr. Dean was finally able to get off, he felt nauseous and asked, “You mean to tell me that Phil Harris [who had a reputation for liking alcohol] feels this way every morning?” By the way, Mr. Dean was a comedy writer in Hollywood. He once gave a gold watch to Buddy DeSylva, head of production at Paramount. The watch was engraved: “To Buddy, this is a lot of crap, but when you don’t have a lot of talent, you have to do these things, Barney.”

• One of Fred Allen’s early ad-libs came when he was beginning a career as a juggler. His performance was very bad, and the manager of the theater came on stage and asked him, “Where did you learn to juggle?” Mr. Allen replied, “I took a correspondence course in baggage smashing.”

Conductors

• Sir Thomas Beecham once wanted to use a couple of French singers for a recording; however, they were not allowed to record with Sir Thomas because of the opposition of a Monsieur Hirsch, who was the Director of the Paris Opéra. This upset Sir Thomas, who was, after all, a Commandeur in the Légion d’Honneur, and thus was entitled to 12 rifle shots at his funeral. While complaining to Monsieur Varin, the Cultural Counsellor of the French Embassy, Sir Thomas requested that the 12 rifle shots at his funeral be aimed in the direction of Monsieur Hirsch.

• Charles O’Connell once visited the home of Arturo Toscanini, stayed late, and then telephoned for a taxi to take him home. He told the taxi company to send a cab to the home of Mr. Toscanini, but then felt a tap on his shoulder. The great conductor reminded him, “MAESTRO, not mister.”

Critics

• Stanley Holloway appeared as the First Gravedigger in Alec Guinness’ Hamlet, which was not a success early in its run. Because he was not needed early in the play, he arrived late at the theater. His cabdriver once told him as he was getting out of the cab, “I wouldn’t bother to go in there, if I was you. That got booed something awful on the first night.” Mr. Holloway said that he had to go in the theater, as he was appearing in the play. The cabby replied, “In that case, you have my entire sympathy.”

• John Martin, dance critic for The New York Times, once wrote of Alicia Markova, “She is not only the best living ballet dancer, but probably the greatest who ever lived.” Asked how she felt about such high praise, Ms. Markova replied, “It’s easy to write something like that, but it’s I who have to live up to it. What am I going to do the next day, I ask you? I must work all the harder. The audience is going to expect something after reading that bit. It will be hard lines if I let them down!”

• Peter Wright, the director of the Sadler’s Wells Royal Ballet, and ballerina Galina Samsova staged a new production of Swan Lake in 1981. After the work had been completed, Mr. Wright said, “The thing about the creative process is that you must hide it. You’re tempting fate if you don’t. You must say, ‘Oh well, we’ll slap a bit of paint on that,’ because if you say, ‘This is going to be important, great art,’ God will be listening and He’ll say, ‘And you’ll get it wrong.’”

• Olin Downes, music critic of The New York Times, once objected in a review to mezzo-soprano Risë Stevens’ German in her appearance as Octavian in Strauss’ Der Rosenkavalier. Finding herself seated next to Mr. Downes at a dinner party, Ms. Stevens spoke to him in German, forcing him to admit that he didn’t speak German. She smiled, then said, “I do.”

• Egon Brecher once acted in a play in Vienna. He played a Japanese man, and in the cast were six actors who were from Japan. A critic wrote that only Mr. Brecher was convincing as a Japanese person. Mr. Brecher says, “It was true. I played the Austrian idea of a Japanese.”