SEEDS OF ZEN
Michelle
Looi
Copyright © 2011 by Michelle Looi
This
book is available in print from seedsofzen@gmail.com
Cover
drawing by Sophia Goh
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Attribution - No Derivative Works.
zen
my true nature
Cover Story
During
one of our ‘pillow talk’ sessions before bedtime, Sophia (age 10)
asked me, “Popo, what is the title of the book you are
writing?”
“nuggets of zen,” I answered.
She continued,
“Popo, why don’t you call it seeds of zen?”
“Why?” I
inquired.
“Because seeds grow.”
I thought for a while
and added, “And they are full of potential. We sow seeds (virtues)
in a conducive environment. The plants grow well and everyone enjoys
the flowers (love), and the fragrance from the flowers (compassion)
is experienced by all.”
The next morning, Sophia handed me a
drawing of a flower with seeds in the centre. “Popo, this is a
lotus flower.” I was struck by its simplicity. At the same time, it
was thought provoking.
When this experience was shared with my
friends, they suggested, “Take this as the book cover.” I looked
at the drawing - a simple flower growing from Popo’s garden - the
garden of life. “It is meant to be,” I responded.
Thank
you, my grandchild for your wisdom.
I love you,
Sophia,
Popo
February 2010
Singapore
Dedication
The insights and wisdom in this book are dedicated to you,
my
grandchildren,
Sophia, Sara, Shania, Oliver.
With great
affection,
Popo
Foreword
Grace
Introduction
- seeds of zen
1.
Now is the Beginning
•
Love
•
Spirituality
•
Responsibility
•
Family
•
Awareness
2.
A Quilt for Integration
3.
My Healing Qigong
4.
Cultivate a Mind of Love
5.
Max, My Youngest Teacher
6.
Affirmation, Key to Happiness
7.
A Gift I Cherish
8.
My Dynamic Meditation Retreat
9.
Ma’am, Please Remake Your Attitude
10.
Buddha Leads Me Home to The Christ
11.
On Living Well and Dying Well
12.
Christmas Letter
13.
My Christmas Story
14.
A Christmas Story
Conclusion
About
the Author
Michelle
and I go back a long way to a small town in Batu Gajah. We were
hometown friends from primary one in school. She is one of my closest
friends and among a handful of schoolmates with whom I have kept in
touch to this day. It speaks of a very unique and special bond of
friendship we have. Perhaps a karmic connection from past lifetimes.
Michelle is a very special being, someone hard to get upset or angry
with. She is a tactful person, non confrontational, calm and serene
and in a sense a spiritual person. In all our conversations and
encounters, I have always felt that Michelle is trying to find
herself. She is always searching, searching….has she found what she
is searching for? Maybe we can find the answers in her book. Her book
with “zen” in the title is no surprise either and in fact is a
picture perfect reflection of her nature.
After some years of
separation due to my moving to KL for my higher education and the
whole family relocating to Kuala Lumpur, I reconnected with Michelle
in 2000 for an event at my alma mater. It was then, that I sadly
learned from Michelle about her contracting lymphoma cancer. Michelle
had expressed some fears but remained calm and accepting of the
situation and never sought sympathy, only our prayers at this darkest
point in her life. She is lucky as she has close family and friends,
but most importantly, God at her side, spiritually and literally.
In
2002 when I was working on starting an ayurvedic centre in Ipoh and
realising I had no one that I know and trust to help me run the
centre, I had to ask if she would help keep an eye on Ayur Centre for
me. But she was not to stress herself out, only as a way of passing
time and as a healthy distraction. Little did I know that the first
seed of zen would be planted at Ayur Centre and her interest in
spirituality would grow and bloom from there.
Though she
mentioned that I gave her the first book on Buddhism, a spiritual
path I started to follow a few years ago, her grasp of the teachings
of Buddhism far surpasses mine. It’s no surprise, as her mind is
open to whatever good that is out there for her to receive. Whether
it be The Noble Eightfold Path or Bhagavan Gita or The Divine Mercy
Prayer, she finds some little gems of universal truths on values and
goodness and imbibes into her very being.
When Michelle first
told me about her book that would incorporate a chapter entitled
“Buddha leads me home to The Christ”, I was perplexed and
concerned as to how she would be able to write about two very
different teachings with the right sensitivity, yet without
downplaying one over the other. I need not have worried, as Michelle
was only seeking to express the truth of what she has learned from
the two great spiritual teachers, without fear or favour, as her
truth. She learned that the true nature of every human being is love
and goodness, whether it be grounded in the Buddhist or Christian
teachings.
The strength of the person lies in the belief in
oneself, and with faith in God, you have the innate power to heal
yourself. As a cancer survivor, she has proven that and with this
realisation, is reaching out to others to have this belief.
Puan
Sri Siew Yong Gnanalingam
8 May 2011
In God’s grace, I express my
gratitude to:
My siblings,
For the knowledge that I am
being cherished
My children,
For the opportunities to
grow
My grandchildren,
For all the delight and fun I derive
from my sweethearts
My friends,
The good Samaritans who are
always with me to seek a new consciousness in this life’s journey,
and to constantly cheer our rainbows
David,
For the
paradise you allow me to live in, to put my thoughts in writing
Vee
Lin and Su Ha,
For painstakingly editing my work
Arystle,
Judy, Sheila, Sophia, K.S. Ong, and S.J. Ho,
For patiently
transforming my handwriting into print
Frans De Ridder, Trina,
Sherli, Evelyn and Marianne,
For your insights and
generosity
Jesus and Mama Mary,
For the love that is me
seeds of zen
Introduction:
It is
2007. I dedicate this year to joy and happiness. A year to enjoy my
children more, to bond with my grandchildren and to renew old
friendships.
To bring my heart to wherever I go, to love
whomever I am with. In short, I choose to bring joy and cheer to
everyone, everywhere. For home is where the heart is. This means to
live in the precious present. The Now.
I was made more aware
of the precious present with my third grandchild, Oliver’s
homecoming. He was born in Ithaca, in America. I met this intelligent
looking infant when he was fifty-four days old. The one month with
him was tiring and trying. But I experienced many sacred moments
during this short period of time.
I spent my mornings with him
in the garden, under the gazebo, amidst greenery and flowering
plants. He lay in his car seat, which was placed on a low marble
table. I sat on a wooden bench opposite him. Besides the morning sun
and the gentle breeze, the book, ‘the zen commandments’ by
Dean Sluyter, was our daily companion.
I talked to him about
the contents of the book. He responded with his eyes and his smile
and the movements of his head as I went through the ‘lab-work’
or exercise, repeating the instructions on how to notice the layers
of sound from Chapter One – Rest in Openness. Oliver seemed
to be with me. His response and ‘understanding’ struck me as
profound.
And I decided to call him Popo’s zen-boy.
During
the twelve months, I took time off to visit some of my dear friends
throughout the country. We talked on things and experiences which
were close to our hearts. Each of us had some wisdom to impart. In
our golden years, many of us realized that we have lived our lives
well. Few had regrets. However, with the wisdom of hindsight, they
realized they could have been more mindful and loving.
I was
given the indulgence to glimpse into their true nature; and their
wisdom. And I gained insights into their many dreams of past, present
and future. As I listened, I felt each of us had a reason to be here;
to find the meaning of life. And to live it well.
I took this
opportunity to invite my friends to write their experiences, as seeds
of zen. With this compilation of essays, we hope to help others reach
their goals in life, taking the positive route, even though it may be
the road less traveled.
The essence of their sharing is
simple, yet profound. And hopefully, they will serve as a new
beginning – for you and my zen-boy.
Michelle Looi
October
23, 2000. I had my third shot of chemotherapy for my lymphoma cancer
(NHL). I was bald. My immune system was low. I was very weak. At 3
p.m. I knelt down and cried to God to have mercy on me. Through my
sobs, I pleaded again and again.
I was exhausted. I slept.
During my slumber, Jesus visited me in my dream. He looked at the
furniture in the lounge and teased me with a smile, “Michelle,
you don’t love me enough?” I responded, “Is it because I
do not have an altar for you, my Lord?” His smile widened. He
shook his head, “No, the altar is in your heart.”
Then
he took me to Clearwater Sanctuary, a golf resort in Batu Gajah,
Perak, to face a crowd of teenagers, who were attending a workshop.
He placed his right hand on my shoulder and said, “From here,
spread the message of love.”
After my sixth and last
shot of chemotherapy in December, I realised a few things that were
very important to me during my treatment. And for everyone who is
seriously ill. I had God, enough cash to see me through the
treatment, loving family members who were constantly there for me and
the support of my friends. Even though I instructed my friends not to
visit me during that period because of my low immunity, I knew and I
felt the love and support they generated through their prayers. I
appreciate them a great deal. I bless them. I embrace all of them in
the name of love.
And I have found peace and courage in this
spiritual security, knowing that my family and the human family is
there watching out for me – to love, to indulge and to enjoy my
very presence because I have ‘died’. And now I am given
another chance to live.
My oncologist was very happy that my
cancer was in remission. His medication for me was, ‘stay
stress-free, meditate and relax yourself.’ “What should be done
next, besides his advice?” I asked myself. And I was on my own
for six months until Ee came home for a holiday. She took me in for
two weeks to rebuild my health. “Now, is the beginning,”
Ee took charge. She was trained both in allopathy and alternative
medicine in England.
During that duration, she taught me to
meditate and to stay in that meditative mood most of the day. As we
washed and cut the veggies, we stayed mindful of what we were doing.
During the quiet time of meditation, I had to stay with my breath –
the deliberation of inhaling and exhaling. We practiced daily for
thirty minutes until I could do my breathworks in the normal way.
Like the in-and-out breath of a sleeping baby. It is known as the
abdominal breathing. Through this exercise of staying still with my
breath, clarity of mind was slowly enhanced. And the body became
relaxed and restful. The cells became ‘peaceful’. In this
stillness, I found my true self.
In the mornings, we went for
walks in the neighbourhood, to observe the flowers and plants and to
take delight in the colours that greeted us. Later in the morning, Ee
taught me the movements, the breathworks, the ‘healing sounds’
of qigong, coupled with sensible eating. She applied shiatsu
(a Japanese art of healing), and reflexology on my body. During that
period of holistic treatment, I surrendered myself to Ee and to God.
And it was in this total abandonment, I experienced peace and joy.
After the two weeks, I felt stronger, physically. I felt grateful to
Ee. And every morning, I stayed in grace and gratitude to thank my
God.
I spent the next few years, traveling with my friends,
with family members, cherishing every moment that I had with them. I
breathed in God’s creation and soaked in his generosity. Through
these sacred moments,
I have become a wiser person – to be
in harmony with myself and with people. For life is really, really
short, if the Divine is not generous with us.
Thus I have
learnt to bury all the negatives and let the positives emerge. And I
am still learning from friends and strangers. For I know any person
can be my teacher if he or she teaches me just one thing. I learn and
practice just one good act at a time – be it in thoughts, words or
deeds.
Allow me to share with you the virtues I have learnt
from others across the years. For these virtues help me live life in
a more meaningful way. They are love, spirituality, responsibility
and awareness.
And this is the beginning. For now is the only
moment of my life. The precious present.
Love
At the last supper, Jesus said to his disciples, “This is my
commandment – love one another just as I have loved you.”
I
was lucky. I was born with this inherent quality of love. My mother
was altruistic and my father had a generous heart. The religious
sisters in the convent nurtured me well during my school days.
They
taught me not to weigh my love; not to measure out in advance how
much to give. They taught me to be spontaneous in giving. For
spontaneous love comes from the heart. This love can be exhibited
freely for your loved ones, for a child who is lost, for someone who
needs warmth and affection, for a person who is hungry for love and
companionship.
On the subject of spontaneous love, Justin
contributed, “Aunty Michelle, when you love someone, you take a
piece of your heart and place it in the heart of that person. And
place in your own heart, a piece of that person’s heart. That’s
where you belong. Home is where the heart is. And this love will lead
you home.” Thank you, Justin for this insight.
I visited
Rosie, a dear friend since school days, a few weeks before she left
us for heaven. She had been suffering from cancer for a while. As I
approached her bed, our eyes locked. No words. Volumes were expressed
in our being. I took both her hands in mine. I kissed her forehead
gently. I clasped her left hand and placed our hands on her heart. I
whispered, “Rosie, Michelle is here.” Tears rolled down
our cheeks. The divine spark in our beings merged. And we heard, “I
love you Rosie”, “I love you Michelle.”
Darian,
a dear friend of the family has been ill for awhile. Each time he
visits his doctors, a new specialist is added to his care. He and his
wife know that his illness stems from the mind. He is not willing to
let go – of anger, of hurts. His psychiatrist gives him medication
for a host of things. I told him he needed a psychologist to ‘open’
his mind, and to help him see how his thinking is influencing his
behavior, his body and the string of illnesses. He could not find a
psychologist in his hometown. He was in grief and deep depression.
Slowly his health deteriorated and his heart was affected.
I
called him from Singapore to cheer him up. His wife answered the
phone, “Michelle, I am so glad you called because Darian is
going for an angiogram a few days later.” I spoke to him. And
he confessed, “I want to die.” I responded, “Darian,
go for the angiogram and do whatever is necessary. I will be there to
hold your hands.” Silence. Then he whispered, “I am
grateful for this.” I affirmed, “When I was down, you were
there.”
Love is giving yourself to another – your
time, your shoulders. And your hands to touch.
When my eldest
child was seven years old, I bought a picture of a child dressed in a
long white dress, walking unsteadily through the green meadow. A
picture of purity and simplicity. I bought the picture because of
these words, ‘All my tomorrows depend on your love.’ A
reminder for me to love and care for my children.
The words
are still vivid in my mind. And now I want to hand these words to you
– the grandparents, the parents, the adults of aged parents, the
caregivers, the husbands, the wives, my siblings, my friends and even
to you, lovebirds – All my tomorrows depend on your love.
As
a single mother of three young children, I needed to constantly
remind myself that I brought them into the world. Along the way, I
made many mistakes with the children’s growing years. I had anger,
I had hurts. But I was blessed with the friendship of good
Samaritans, who brought me back to Jesus’ greatest commandment.
“Love one another just as I have loved you.”
Since
I was a child, I had always been gregarious. I love people – the
human race. I love my children and my family. Somewhere along certain
milestones of my life’s journey, I found it difficult to accept
myself.
One day, the ‘I’ of Michelle stepped behind
the ‘Me’ of Michelle and remarked, “I don’t like you
Michelle.” I had asked many people the meaning of this, but no one
seemed to give me a satisfactory answer. The ‘I’ and the
‘Me’ conflict stayed with me for a number of
years.
During one of my rejuvenation programs at the Ayur
Center (A center for holistic treatment) I read a book written by
a monk, Ajahn Brahm. The title was ‘Opening the door of my
heart.’ It was about a small community of monks living in a
cave. One day, several robbers came and captured them and took over
the cave as their hideout. The leader told the headmonk to leave with
the community, but one monk had to stay behind as the hostage. The
headmonk was asked to decide as to whom should stay behind.
The
headmonk was in a dilemma. “I can’t leave my brother behind
because I love him. And I can’t leave the old monk behind because I
love him too.” And he went on to each one and the result was
the same. He realised that he loved each and every one of the
monks.
Then he came to the final choice. The headmonk himself.
He said, “Obviously, it has to be me.” He thought further,
“No, I love myself too. The door of my heart is open to me as
well.”
The sun greeted both the robbers and monks the
next day. The headmonk was at peace. “We will all stay here. No
one is leaving.” The robbers demanded an explanation. The
headmonk told them about his love for everyone including himself. Can
you guess the ending? All the robbers became monks.
With the
happy ending of the story, I took an afternoon nap. I dreamt that
there were two Michelles – one in a green T-shirt, the other in a
red T-shirt. The green T-shirt Michelle was behind a huge wooden door
shaped like a heart. The red T-shirt Michelle knocked on the wooden
door and asked, “Can I come in?” The door was opened by
the green T-shirt Michelle and she said with great delight, “Come
in Michelle, all of you!”
The red T-shirt Michelle
jumped over the threshold of the door. She hugged the green T-shirt
Michelle and shouted in glee, “I am home! I am home!”
I
related this to one of my friends, who is a Buddhist. She looked at
me with so much kindness and whispered, “Both of you are
integrated. The ‘I’ of Michelle has accepted the ‘Me’ of
Michelle. The ‘I’ loves the ‘Me’.” Thus loving yourself
is as important as loving others. There are many people out there who
do not know how to love themselves; to accept themselves. You must
first learn to understand yourself, accept yourself; then you are
able to love the real you.
And learning to understand others
may be easier then. This understanding helps you to love them even
though they appear to be unlovable because you look beyond the
physical. And that is what love is. This is known as ‘agape’
love. The love of God for man.
With this understanding of
acceptance, I learnt to gradually drop my concepts and expectations
of people who had hurt me. I began to view them as they were. I
forgave them; and love was the spontaneous appreciation that was
left.
It was this appreciation of life and love for friendship
that inspired Bob to track down all his collegemates of
teacher-training days in Kuantan with whom he had lost contact for
thirty-two years. He painstakingly located and contacted each and
every one of us. After seven years of determination, he finally got
all of us back – the human family of years 1996 and 1997 to have a
meaningful weekend in Janda Baik, Pahang. We were grateful for his
zest to get in touch. Yet we asked, “Why did you take the
trouble, and so much of it, to bring us back together?” His
answer was simple, “Because I love you all!”
Thank
you Bob, for your friendship. For it is the kind of love which brings
out the best in people. It is the magic pill which promotes health
and happiness, and it conveys that your friendship is a foundation
for all lasting and peaceful relationships.
From Kuantan to
Janda Baik, a hilly place with lush pine trees, flora and monkeys. We
had another spiritual soul, David, who had the magnanimity of heart
to build ‘bridges’ to unite all of us in his resort home.
On
August 31 2007, as Malaysia turned fifty, thirty of us gathered at
David’s resort, to celebrate life. All of us have aged with love,
compassion, kindness and wisdom. As we sang the songs of yesteryears,
the spirit of youth, of fun and mischief was shining in our eyes. And
it put smiles on our lips.
The misty mornings, the manicured
vegetable plots, the cool air, the rainbow colours of the flowers,
the gurgling stream and the silent mountains witnessed the most
beautiful precious present of that week-end for us. We just sat –
at the kitchen door, in the gazebo, on the carpet – and let
whatever happened, happen.
What better way was there to be
bathed in the energy emitted by thirty loving souls? What better gift
could we give ourselves than the gift to cherish the friendship that
spanned across forty years? Silence said it all…Love! A love
sprouted from the friendship that was cemented when we were in our
twenties, a love that gave us comfort with one another, and peace and
joy in ourselves.
With the understanding and appreciation of
God’s love and indulgence, David looked at me and said “Thank
you for organizing this; I love you, Michelle.” I smiled and
gazed at him for a while. Then, I extended my left hand with fingers
bent upwards. He reached out with his right hand and hugged my
fingers with his. We gave our fingers a tug and I replied, “I
love you, David.”
In that moment, both of us experienced
the power of Jesus’ greatest commandment. I thanked David for his
generosity for having us for the joyous weekend. He answered humbly,
“I am only the custodian of this place.” And I believed
him. We exploited his generosity. We harvested all the produce in his
farm. And in doing so, we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves in this
paradise, a paradise where we felt free from boundaries.
There
was enough space for us to congregate for singing, for dancing, for
walks, for mahjong, for cooking and just to be relaxed and remain
aware – that God is. And there was enough space for the individual
to walk the grounds, to be connected to one’s soul, to be connected
and to be in harmony with the self. In God’s acre.
It was
here that we could feel the magnetism of stillness and yet
experienced the vibration of goodwill, of love and kindness.